The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 1 - Call of the Wild - full transcript

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Hi, Cliff.

That banner looks great.

Sondra and Elvin
are going to love that.

Thank you. They called from the
airport. They're on their way over.

I got Sondra the
most incredible gift.

Ah. The briefcase.

Yes, but not just any briefcase.

This briefcase is patent leather with
her initials embossed in gold letters.

This is perfect for law school.



And when they see what
I got Elvin for med school,

they are going to say, "Here
is a future Surgeon General."

- What is it?
- I'm not telling you.

You're not even going
to give me a hint?

Oh, I'll give you a hint.

It's shiny and cold and
rhymes with ethoscope.

You got him a stethoscope.

Oh! How did you guess?

This is state-of-the-art,
my dear.

You put this thing in your
ears and you hold it up,

your patient does not
have to leave home.

He's gonna love it.

Yes, he is.

He's gonna love it.



I'm so excited for
Sondra and Elvin.

They're newlyweds. They know
exactly what they want to do.

They are both going to
good graduate schools.

It's the most exciting
time of their lives.

Uh-huh. And you know why?

Because they have no children.

Well, this is true.

One day, they might
get lucky like us.

Just think we have a
daughter and a son-in-law

who are following
in our footsteps.

- You know what I love?
- Huh?

The very fact that our
four remaining children

might go to law school
and marry doctors.

And then if each
one had five children,

and they would go to law
school and marry doctors,

then I could open up a clinic
and not worry about being sued.

- Hello!
- Mom, Dad, we're home!

- Welcome home!
- Thanks!

Well, how does it feel being
married an entire eight days?

- Great!
- How was the honeymoon?

Unbelievable. Sensational.

Better than I ever
imagined. Wow. Whoo!

Elvin, Elvin, Elvin. Not
in front of the children.

I'm sorry.

- Did you fight?
- No.

Well, we fought once.

We fought over who
loved whom more.

And whom won?

When you love each
other as much as we do,

it's hard to measure,
Doctor Huxtable.

Elvin, we're married
now. You can call him Dad.

May I? No.

I'm just joking. Welcome
to the family, son.

He called me son.

Sondra, look.

Wow. What's all this?

We just wanted to welcome
you home from your honeymoon

and give you a good
send-off to graduate school.

And so without
further adieu, I have a

good-luck gift for our
future professionals.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done this, Dad.

Ah, don't be silly. I wanted to.

What it it, a tie?

Oh, no, Rudy, the
box is too big for a tie.

It's probably a stethoscope.

I knew it!

It's beautiful, but I
really can't accept this.

Oh, but you have to.

Look at this. Put
'em right in there.

Huh? Now listen to this.
Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom!

There's a reason
why I can't accept this.

I know it's expensive,
but let's look at it this way.

It's an investment
in the future.

Dad, there isn't going to be
any stethoscope in my future.

Yeah, well, I am not going to buy you an
X-ray machine to hang around your neck.

The reason is I'm not
going to medical school.

Huh?

I've decided not to go. I
don't want to be a doctor.

I don't understand.

You should have given him a tie.

Elvin, honey, tell them
why. They'll understand.

Well, Mom, Dad,

I've always had doubts
about going into medicine.

You see, philosophically, I have a
problem with charging sick people money.

Elvin, you can do a lot of community
service where you don't charge patients.

There you go!

I know, but I'm also not
sure if I want to spend

the next eight years of my
life in school and training.

Hey, but once you get
out, it's fat city, right, Dad?

Theo, Elvin isn't interested
in making a lot of money.

He just wants to do something
that will make him happy.

What will make you happy, Elvin?

Well...

I'd like to open my
own wilderness store.

Wilderness store?

Yes. You know, selling
camping equipment and supplies.

I didn't realize you were
interested in camping.

I've always loved the outdoors.

Elvin, do you know anything
about running a wilderness store?

Not yet, but on our honeymoon,
we met this great couple...

Wendy and Dave Miller.
You'll love them, Mom.

Yeah, they're opening a wilderness
store in Brooklyn this winter.

In-in Brook... In... in...

- In Brooklyn?
- Yeah.

And they said I
could train with them,

and then once I knew the business,
I could have my own franchise.

Isn't that exciting?

No, I think it stinks.

Dad...

And I'll tell you
why it stinks, paly...

Uh, Cliff, we need to talk.

No, no, we're not going to talk,

because I want to
tell him why it stinks.

Yes, but we need to
meet in the kitchen first.

Well, when we come back from
the kitchen, can I tell him why then?

- Yes.
- You wait right here, mister.

I hope you're not angry, Dad.

Not at all, sporty.

Just... just calm down.

When I gave my
daughter to this man,

I thought he was
going to be a doctor.

Cliff, stay calm.

No, No. I mean, look at the
inscription on this, please.

"To Elvin. Straight
from my heart."

Mm-hmm.

Cliff, this is
really very sweet.

That's right. And he's
gonna pay me back for this.

Mister Wilderness is going to have
to sell a whole lot of sleeping bags

and... and campers and trail mix

in order to give me the
money back for this thing, boy.

Cliff, try to be rational.

Try to be rational? I'll tell
you how rational I can be.

I hope that he goes
out into the wilderness

and gets poison
ivy and comes back,

and I have to treat him.

Then he will find out how
much sick people get charged.

Cliff, you're going
off the deep end.

Now you listen to me.

This boy's our son-in-law.
He has married our daughter.

Please don't remind me.

Cliff, you owe it to Sondra and
Elvin to let them lead their own lives.

Now it's obvious, Elvin's not interested
in going to medical school right now,

but that could change.

Give him a year. Just a
year to do whatever he wants.

If it doesn't work out,
he could always re-apply.

He's going to pay me
for this stethoscope.

Theo. What's going on?

I think we should be getting
upstairs while the getting is good.

Why? They're only mad at Elvin.

Hi, Dad.

So you're going to
open up this, uh...

wilderness... store

in... in Brooklyn sometime
in the winter, you say.

Now, um, do you have a
job between now and then?

Yes, I do have a job,

and I'm proud to say it's
in the medical profession.

- Really?
- Really?

I'll be working with a major
pharmaceutical firm, Bennix Industries.

Oh, that's a big company.

What are you doing for them?

Well, it's kind of
an entry-level job.

Entry-level?

Yeah, when the pill bottles come
to the end of the assembly line,

I check to make sure that the
safety seals are on the caps.

I'm inspector number 36.

Cliff, he's got a title, honey.
He's inspector number 36.

Well, now that sounds
like a great job to me.

It is. It really is.

And I'm sure they'll have all the money
they need while Sondra goes to law school.

Honey, this is
going to work out.

- Mom?
- Yes?

I'm not going to law school.

What?

I decided not to
go to law school.

What do you mean you
decided not to go to law school?

Well, this is our dream,

and so I'm going to get a temporary
job until the wilderness store opens,

and then I'll be working
side by side with my husband.

Sondra, what are you saying?

You have always
wanted to go to law school.

You've never talked
about anything else.

- I changed my mind.
- Change it back.

After all the money we spent
sending you to Princeton?

Sondra, you owe us $79,648.22,

and I want my money now.

I'm not going anywhere
'til I get my money.

I'll take whatever she's got.
Empty her pockets. I mean it.

I want to know now!

No, I'm not having this. No!

Well, really, both of
us, we have to be calm.

You calm down.

If Elvin thinks that he
is going to come in here

and drag my baby off into some
harebrained business scheme

and ruin what is potentially the
greatest legal mind of this century,

he's going to have
me to deal with.

And then he can come
to you for treatment.

I understand, and... and I
agree with what you're saying.

But you just said to me,
"Why don't we give them a year,

and if it doesn't work,
then they can re-apply."

That is the dumbest
thing I ever heard.

What I want to know is how is
it that you get to rant and rave,

and I'm the one
who has to be calm?

Because that is
my baby in there.

But that's my baby, too!

No, Cliff, you don't
understand, honey.

You did not have that
child. I had that child.

I was the one who was on that
table screaming, "Take it out!"

And if it takes the
last breath in my body,

Sondra is going to
become a lawyer.

Yeah, okay. What
do you want to do?

Oh, it's very simple.

She'll divorce him.

Sondra is in love
with the boy, dear.

Well, then you take Elvin.

I take Elvin? Yes, you take him.

What am I gonna do with him?

You take him a long trip in
the country and drop him off.

No, no. See, he will love it
out there in the wilderness.

Take him out there.

No, you won't!

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I had a nightmare.

I dreamt that Sondra and Elvin
came home from their honeymoon

and told us that they didn't want to
go to law school or medical school,

and then they told us they were going
to open up a wilderness shop in Brooklyn.

And, uh...

Oh, it was... it was
just a horrible, horrible...

Whoo! I'm glad I was dreaming.

- Cliff?
- Huh?

- You were not dreaming.
- I wasn't?

Hi.

You can't come in here
without a note from a psychiatrist!

Dad!

Mom, today was a tremendous day.

Ta-da! Our first lease, Dad.

Wonderful, Elvin.

Aw, what happened to "son?"

Mom, it's a wonderful apartment. It
has a view of the Verrazano Bridge.

The best thing about it is
we can move in tomorrow.

And as soon as we get
everything set up, we

want you two to be
our first dinner guests.

Will you be able
to afford the food?

Of course.

Come on, Elvin, let's
go upstairs and pack.

You know, Cliff, those
two just might pull this off.

They are moving ahead very well.

Now that doesn't mean that I
approve of all their choices, now.

But then again, I guess there were
some choices that we made along the way

that maybe our parents
didn't approve of either.

Like what?

Well, for one, I know my
parents would have liked for me

to have married a good-looking
man with a lot of money.

And a smaller nose.

Sondra, do you know what I
love most about this apartment?

What?

That you're in it.

Aw, Elvin.

I can't believe
it. They're here.

Our first dinner guests.

Hi! Mom, Dad. Come in.

Well, what do you think?

So, this is it.

Dad?

It's an apartment all right.

Mom, Dad, have a seat.
Make yourselves at home.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Comfortable, isn't it?
- Yes.

Can you believe it?
We found it on the street.

Somebody actually threw it away.

What, the apartment?

So, Mom, let me show you
what we've done to the place.

Yeah, you should have seen it
before we moved in. It was awful.

Thank you.

It was Elvin's idea
to put up this curtain

to separate the kitchen
from the dining room.

Oh, that's nice.

So, where's this view
of the Verrazano Bridge?

Right this way.

Can I help you up, Dad?

No, no. I'll just
roll right on out.

That's the "K" from
the Valley Fair Milk sign.

Ah. Does it blink all the time?

Yeah. But we were lucky.

The people next door look out
and see a bobbing cow's head.

Okay. So this is it, huh?

Yep.

Now, where's the bridge?

It's over there. Huh?

To the left. Ah!

Well, I just... I just
see the toll booths.

You see how they
sparkle in the twilight?

Yeah.

You and Sondra ought to set some
chairs out here on the windowsills

and just have a good
time with some ice tea.

That's why we usually
keep the window closed.

There's a fire
station next door.

Well, how do you sleep at night?

Oh, there isn't a
fire every night.

Except when Sondra and I
look into each other's eyes.

Aw.

Well, I hope you're hungry.
We're having spaghetti.

Oh. I knew there was
something that I had forgot.

The basil for the sauce.

Well, Sondra, there's a wonderful
produce market right up the street.

Why don't we just go
there and get some?

Great idea. You
want to come, Dad?

No, I'll just stay here and
talk husband talk with Elvin.

I'd love that, Dad.

- Fine, we'll be right back.
- Okay.

Sondra, what's this?

Oh, I was going to
tell you that at dinner.

I got a job in a
restaurant waiting tables.

I thought you were applying to
the U.N. for a job as a tour guide.

But they postponed the interview for
a week, and we couldn't wait that long.

We really needed
some money right away.

Why? Doesn't Elvin have
money coming in from his job?

I was going to tell you
about that at dinner.

I lost my job.

The company had an
efficiency expert come and visit,

and they decided they
only needed 35 inspectors.

Now, don't worry, Mom and Dad.

Sondra spoke to the
guys at her restaurant,

and they said that one of the
busboys might be leaving soon,

and that they'd be glad
to give me a chance.

Sondra, let's go for the basil.

These are your
degrees from Princeton.

- Yeah.
- Fell down
Yeah.

Rather symbolic,
don't you think?

Elvin? Yes, Dad?

Uh...

How long are you going...

How long...

How long... how long are going to
keep my daughter living like this?

Well, we have a five-year plan.

That's about as long as it will take
to get the wilderness store off its feet,

and then we'll move
into a bigger place.

You have a five-year
plan? You don't have a job.

Doctor Huxtable, I
understand your concern, but...

do you know the story
of Milton Hershey?

Uh, no, I'm sorry, I don't.

Milton Hershey went bankrupt six
times before he hit it big in chocolate.

Elvin, you're not planning on taking my
daughter through bankruptcy six times?

Dad, I think I understand
how you're feeling.

No, no, I don't think
you can because...

because that's my daughter.

Right. But I have to remind you
that your daughter is also my wife.

Yeah, but she was
my daughter first.

But she's my wife now.

And she will always
be my daughter.

But she wears my ring.

She wore braces that I paid
for to keep her teeth straight

so she could live with a man who's going
to take her into bankruptcy six times.

Doctor Huxtable, we
could on like this forever,

but what good would it do us?

I guess you're right. And, uh...

I don't mean to interfere,
but I do think, Elvin,

if it's all right with you,

I'd like to help out
with some money.

- Money?
- Money!

Oh, no, thank you.

Sondra and I are determined to
make it on our own, but thank you.

- Take it as a loan.
- No.

Listen, Milton
Hershey would take it.

Tonight was fun.

Yeah.

You know, after we'd been
in the apartment for a while,

I started to get a warm feeling.

I think it was the heat
from the hot plate.

So we were doing the dishes,

and Elvin decided he would tell
me the story of Milton Hershey.

Oh, yes. Elvin told
me that story, also.

Yeah, well, then I decided I should
tell him he story of Ivan Marshall.

Who's Ivan Marshall?

Well, you wouldn't know
Ivan Marshall, you see,

because he went
bankrupt only once.

Then his creditors
came to his apartment,

dragged him out on the
street and beat him up.

And with our luck, Elvin's
creditors would beat us up.

Who is it?

It's Theo. I need to talk
to you. It's important.

Come in, honey.

Hi. Hey.

I want you both to
know that I'm really

sorry about what Sondra
and Elvin did to you.

Well... it's okay.

No, I mean it.

Now, you two were
thrown a curve.

If Sondra had come to you in
her senior year of high school

and said, "Mom, Dad, I want
to open a camping store,"

you would have
been braced for it.

But to do it after four years
of college was really unfair.

And I want you both to know
that I will never do that to you.

Thank you, Theo.

And that's why I'm telling you
now that I'm not going to college.

I'm going to open up my own business
right after I graduate from high school.

And where are you
going to get the money?

Well, that's why I'm here.

You see, all you have to do

is give me the money you were going
to spend on my college education... now.

I see. How much are we talking?

Well, I brought my calculator and
this research so we could figure it out.

Here you go.

Now, to go to
Bennington College...

Wait, wait. Bennington is
the most expensive school

in the United States
of America right now.

Yeah, but you and Mom would
have wanted me to go to a top school.

- Of course.
- Yes.

Good. Now...

tuition plus room and
board will cost $17, 999.

Now multiply that by four years,

and add a 5% increase
each year for inflation.

Then add $7,000 for
books and lab fees.

Lab fees?

I was going to be
a chemistry major.

We would have been proud of him.

Thanks.

Now, Bennington
College is in Vermont.

So we have to figure in the cost
of coming home every weekend.

He would come
home every weekend.

He's a good boy.

That comes to $8,000.

Plus $3,000 for incidentals.

Don't forget ask-a-dentals.

What's an ask-a-dental?

Ask-a-dentals is the
money you ask for

when you misspend the
incidental money you asked for.

All right! I like that!

Okay, so we'll add on another
$5,000 for ask-a-dentals.

Okay, so the grand
total is $112, 500.

Mm-hmm. That's pretty steep.

Yes, it is.

But I'm willing to deal here.

And because you two
are such great parents,

I'm gonna take off 18%.

Sounds good.

Absolutely.

It does?

Sure. Now all you have to
do is take the college boards

and be accepted to
Bennington as a chemistry major.

Tell you what.

If I don't get accepted into Bennington,
I'll take 50 cents on the dollar.

Theo, I'm gonna tell you what.

If I were you,

I would get out of this room
while I was ahead and alive.

Well, can I at least borrow
$3.00 for some pizza?

♪♪

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.