The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 17 - Waterworks - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [ends]

[Theo singing] ♪
Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Lovers at first sight ♪

♪ What were the chances ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ La-da-de-da ♪

♪ Strangers in the night
'cause I'm a stranger ♪

♪ Put me on the range so
I can be the Lone Ranger ♪

♪ ... is the place to be ♪



♪ You can call me
T.H. or call me H.T. ♪

- ♪ For Theo ♪
- [metal clattering]

Whoa! Oh! Oh, man!

What's the matter?
Hey, you all right?

- Oh, man.
- What happened?

Dad, I was taking a shower,

and this tile fell off
the wall into the tub.

Well, it probably heard your
rap and wanted to drown itself.

Uh, where's your toolbox? I'll
get the glue and pop it right back in.

No, no, no, Son.

There's a right way to put
that on and a wrong way.

I know the right way.

I'll do it. Be right back.

[sighs]



Hi, Theo. Mom, Mom, Mom.

We're in trouble.

This tile fell off the
wall into the tub,

and Dad's going to
get his toolbox to fix it.

- Well, is it just this one tile?
- Yeah.

Oh, well, we don't
have a problem then.

That's the kind of job
he can handle, honey.

It's the big ones we
have to worry about.

So we let him do the small
jobs. It keeps him happy.

And he doesn't
tear up the house.

Mom, this is why
you're Mom. [chuckles]

Uh...

So... I hear you're
gonna fix a tile.

That's right.

You're lookin' mighty
cute in that tool belt.

Got one in suede, too.

Well...

not much of a
challenge, but I'm up to it.

[chuckles]

Now, Theo, I want you
to pay attention to this,

because sometime
you may get married,

and have a family,

you're gonna have to
do something like this.

Grab a little of the glue.

♪♪ [scatting]

Give a little tap here.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

And, just like they do on TV...

♪♪ [scatting]

You know how they make
it look smooth like that.

Put this in like this, and...

you place this in like so.

Gently.

Give it a little
firm... [grunts]

Now comes the big one.

Pull him on out.

Huh? Look out.

Bap!

Fire, fire, fire, fire.

And you just work it so nicely.

Don't worry about anything.

Just like they do on TV.

And they just smooth... Whoops.

Wait a minute. Just
push that back up like that.

There you go.
And we don't panic.

If something falls out, we
just go ahead and do that.

Then we throw this.

And then you come
on over this way

and put that back like that.

You see how smooth that is, Son?

Look at it. Smooth.

And that's when we reach over

and we grab this.

See, and you can just
smooth it right on out.

And even though it's like that,

don't worry about anything,

just like they do on TV.

Just don't worry.
It'll be just like that.

There. And you knock it in.

See? And it's all set.

Now all I have to do...

No, you know what
the problem is here?

Now, I'm gonna tell you
exactly what the problem is here.

See, there is a
leaky pipe back here.

And that's what's
causing all of this.

So what I'm gonna have to do now

is bust through here to get
back to the leaky pipe, see.

But, Cliff, you're not thinking
of doing that by yourself.

Oh, no, no, no. I'll get
Theo to help me, see.

Then all I have to do
is just get back here...

Cliff, I need Theo'
s help in the kitchen.

Oh, well, then
I'll do it by myself.

All right. Okay.

So, now...

I may have to get my
suede belt for this one.

Honey, did you hear
what your father said?

He is getting ready
to go into the wall.

Mom, he's never
gone into a wall before.

I know.

We've gotta stop him.

He could tear this
whole house down.

You never know, Mom.

Maybe Dad can do the job.

We better stop him.

Thank you.

This is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna get the plumbers.

[whispering] All right.

You take these pages and go
downstairs to your father's office.

Call everybody on the list.

I'll make calls from up here.

How do I know which of any
of these guys is any good?

It really doesn't matter, Theo.
Call everybody on the list.

If 15 people show up, so what?

Our home is at stake.

Hello? Apex Plumbers?

Yes. Could you please come
over and stop my husband?

No, this is an emergency.

Well, how much are they
paying you? I'll pay you double.

This is really taking
too much time, dear.

Why don't you think
about it for five minutes,

and I'll call you back.

Hey.

So how's it going up there?

Everything's going just fine.

I'm just trying to remember
where I put my sledgehammer.

Sledgehammer? Yeah.

I think I left it over
Jeffrey Ingles' house.

Oh, Jeffrey Ingles
went on vacation.

No, he didn't.

I saw him picking up the
newspaper this morning.

I'll be right back, hon.

And then, "Whamo!"

[ringing]

Yes, plumbers? Oh, Sondra.

Sondra... Honey, I'm sorry.

I really... I really can't talk
to you right now, darling.

We are in the midst
of a family crisis.

Your father is getting
ready to go into the wall.

It's a plumbing problem,
Sondra. It's a leak.

Yes, dear, I... I
know that, Sondra.

Darling, this is not the time
for wilderness psychology.

What I need is a plumber.

Thank...

You'd... Friends of
yours? Are they reliable?

Give me the number.

I'm sorry, Sondra.

Theo, you're sure
that wasn't their truck?

Mom, it said "dry
cleaning" on it.

Oh, goodness. Well,
just keep looking, honey.

Okay.

Mom, Mom. Yeah?

Dad is putting a
big "X" on the wall.

I think he's about to hit
it with a sledgehammer.

Oh, no.

Hey, stop! Stop!
This is the house!

- [tires squealing]
- Vanessa, quick!

Quick, get up the stairs
and stop your father.

Distract him and talk to him.

What do you want me to say?

[stammering]

Tell him to explain
the facts of life to you.

All right!

Hi! Come in! Come in! Come in!

Oh, please don't dillydally with
equipment. Just come right on in.

Thank you. Hi!
Hi! How you doin'?

Okay.

Well, Mom, these are
the people you called.

Yes! Where's your boss?

Oh, we are the boss.

Yeah, I know you're
the boss, honey,

but I mean the older
person who hired you

who supervises the work.

No, there is no older
person. We do all the work.

But you're so young.

Can you handle a job like this?

- [Vanessa] Mom!
- [metal clangs]

[screams]

You're hired!

Don't you want
an estimate first?

Mom, I tried.

It's all right, Vanessa.
I can take it from here.

[straining] Oh, boy.

It's a beautiful
hole, isn't it, dear?

Yes, dear. It's
a beautiful hole.

Now...

there are three professional
plumbers downstairs

who have come
here to do this job.

But I've already started.

Yes, I can see that.

And you're doing
a beautiful job.

But I think that this is
best for everyone involved.

You know, you're gonna have
to pay them a lot of money.

Yes.

I'm doing this for free.

And that's exactly what I'm
afraid it's going to look like.

So I want you to come
downstairs and meet them,

because I really believe...

that you're gonna like 'em.

And I'm warning you.

My dad may not be too
receptive to you being here,

but on behalf of
the rest of the family,

I really want to thank you.

But we haven't
done anything yet.

Oh, yes, you have. You're here.

Now, dear, these are
the three professionals

who have come to do the work.

Hi, I'm Jennifer.

Andy.

And I'm Ted.

[All] We're the Home Healers.

So you're professionals?

Uh, yes, sir. That's right.

We're friends of
Sondra and Elvin's.

We graduated from
Princeton with them.

You graduated from Princeton?

Yes.

I didn't know that Princeton
had a plumbing major.

What was your major?

- Art history.
- Art history.

- Right.
- And what do you do?

Uh, welding and
fixture installation.

And... And what was your major?

Well, I majored in psychology
and minored in anthropology,

and I do the plumbing.

I have a master's degree
in electrical engineering.

So at least you do
the electrical work.

Well, no, I do the plastering.

Well, I guess you'd like
to get started right away.

I'll show it to you.

Okay. Great.

I like these people, Cliff.

I say we tell them to
get started right away.

Okay.

But if they mess up,

I just want you to
give me the opportunity

to go behind them
and do it right.

Okay. All right.

Now, may I have my
sledgehammer back?

No, this stays with me.

Hi.

Hi.

You don't mind if
I watch, do you?

No, not at all.

All right.

I just cut out that defective
pipe above the fitting,

and now I'm gonna
replace it with this one.

Couldn't you have stopped the
leak just as well with a clamp?

No, that would only
stop it temporarily.

This new pipe's gonna stop it
a lot better than a clamp would.

Yeah, that's what
I would have done.

See, now all I have to do is
put this new elbow on the pipe.

Well, that doesn't look too easy.
It looks like a two-man job to me.

Well, you know, it
could be a two-man job.

But it also could be
a one-woman job.

I hear you.

You know, I... I could
use an assistant.

Really? Well, I can go
get my stuff right away.

Great.

Be right back. Okay.

Rudy. Please.

Thank you.

Stop!

Stop what? I'm just
drinking my milk.

No, you're not. You're
trying to bother me.

No, I'm not. It's
your imagination.

Rudy, you have been
pestering me all day.

Now, I want you to stop.

But I'm bored.

Well, of course you're bored,
Rudy. You're a boring person.

Why don't you try to
develop some interests.

I mean, read a good book.

Do artwork.

Go to a museum.

I mean, look at me. I'm
a well-rounded person.

Yeah, but you're a frog face.

I'm not even gonna
dignify that with a reply.

Okay, you're gonna get it! Dad!

Dad, Vanessa just threatened
me, and I wasn't doing anything.

Listen to me.

I came down here to
get my pipe wrench,

because I am needed upstairs.

Now, whatever it is
that you all are doing

to make each other angry...

Stop it! Understand?

Yes, Dad. Yes, Dad.

I have work to do.

Back!

I like your belt.

Yeah, I got one in suede, too.

So, what do you want me to do?

I'm finished.

You know, I could have used you,
but it was a lot easier than I thought.

So I'm just gonna clean
up now and be on my way,

'cause Andy's coming over, and
he's gonna put in the new fixtures.

New fixtures? I'm
good at fixtures.

Well, you know, you
could maybe ask him

if he needs your help. Yeah.

All right. All right.
Fixtures, Jack.

Do up some fixtures.

[both chuckling]

All right. So, uh, you

were friends with
Sondra at Princeton.

Yeah, we were in a lot of
psychology classes together.

Yes, yes, yes. She...

Sondra majored in psychology.

And, just like you, she's not
doing anything in psychology, either.

Yep, and I think we both
made smart decisions.

But don't you think that it's
strange that you would enter...

a prestigious college, not
to mention an expensive one,

and that you would study
in a field that is rewarding,

yet you all threw it away?

I don't feel like
I threw it away.

I just decided to become a
plumber and not a psychologist.

See, I don't believe
that a person

can find fulfillment
in life if they just...

They just focus on
one field of study.

I wanted to be a doctor. I entered
that field, and I am still a doctor.

My wife wanted to be a
lawyer. She entered that field.

She is still a lawyer.

And we feel fulfilled...

All I'm saying is that
I know some people

who didn't go with their
field, and they did okay.

Like who?

Like Gandhi.

Gandhi?

Gandhi studied law.

Gauguin, he was a...

He was a banker
before he was a painter.

Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle, he was...

He was a doctor before
he wrote Sherlock Holmes.

All those people are dead.

All right. All right, what
about Shirley Chisholm?

What about Shirley Chisholm?

Shirley Chisholm, she got a
master's in elementary education,

and then she became
a congresswoman.

And even you...
You became a doctor.

And I see that there
is this plumber in you

that just wants to get out.

If I decided to, uh,
quit my practice, uh,

would you hire me?

No. [chuckles]

'Cause I have seen your work.

[both chuckling]

I wanna know why you
can't fix that showerhead.

Dr. Huxtable, it's 18 years old.

I know that. I put it in myself.

Yeah, I know.

And you did a great job.

But showerheads have come
a long way since this one.

Now, I can give you one that
has five different spray settings.

I'll show it to you when I bring
the new pipe in from the truck.

Really? What else
you have in the truck?

Oh, we have everything. Really?

I'm talking pipes.
I'm talking torches.

Portable pumps.

I even have a
three-speed pneumatic drill.

Can I see the drill?

You wanna see the drill? Yeah.

Let's go.

Are you going somewhere?

[sighs] Yes. I'm
going to Janet's.

Can I come?

After what you put
me through today?

[chuckles] No way.

Come on. Please.

Get out of here.

When I get married,

I'm not gonna name any
of my children after you.

I don't care.

I wouldn't even name
my dog after you.

Well, I wouldn't name my
children or my dog after you,

because Rudy is a silly name.

Well, if a dog looked at you,

it would turn around and run,
because you're a frog face.

[sighs] Okay. That's it.

Tired of this. What...

Oh. Oh, no.

No, Daddy's not
here to protect you.

Come on. Stop it!

- You deserve this.
- Vanessa, stop!

Dad! Tired of it.

Daddy, look what mean
thing Vanessa that did to me!

Dad, she's been
pestering me all day.

Untie your sis...
[phone ringing]

[Cliff] Hello? Yeah.

How far apart are they?

Okay, I'm on my way.

Daddy! What... Just... Just...

Vanessa hit me! No, stop. Stop.

Go. Read a book. Bye-bye.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

♪♪ [dance]

♪♪ [continues]

♪♪ [rapping indistinct]

♪ What? Now that was def ♪

Oh, hi.

Hi. How are ya?

How are you?

Uh, ladies, here
are your sandwiches.

- Oh, great. Thanks.
- Thanks.

Ladies, I'll be right back.

Where's your pants?

[stammering] Dad, I
know what you're thinking,

but that's not what's going on.

You see, I know,
while you're away,

you will want someone
to come in and supervise.

So I turned on a little music,
made some sandwiches,

and I want you to know
they're doing a beautiful job.

I thought Ted was supposed
to be doing the plaster.

No, Ted's doing the tiles.

Nina and Georgette
do the plastering.

Well, I'm just gonna go back in
the bathroom and finish supervising.

I think you need to supervise
putting your pants on,

and supervise yourself
going to the library.

Well. Oh, hi.

Hey, listen. We're very
sorry we took that extra day,

but we wanted to make
sure we got it just right.

- Well, it is very clean in here.
- Thank you.

Why don't you come
in. Have a closer look.

I want you to make sure
you got just what you wanted.

Yes, I think you've
done a fine job.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Huxtable.

Unfortunately, it's time for the
most unpleasant part of the job.

I have to give you your bill.

Oh, well, if it's that
unpleasant, why give it to us?

- That's a good one. Dr. Huxtable.
- Thank you.

Listen, you two look it over.

If you have any questions, I'll be
downstairs with Andy and Jennifer.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh-ho... Mm-hmm.

Now, how much did
they pad that thing?

Well, I'm... It's not
the price they quoted.

They ran it up on us.

- It's 20% under the estimate.
- Really?

And I think that now
would be a good time

for you to go downstairs

and apologize to
these young people.

For what?

You were on their cases the
moment they walked in the house.

You doubted their
ability to do the job.

You stood over them,

breathing down their
necks while they worked.

You pestered them about
throwing their educations away.

I was just looking over that
work we did. We did a good job.

Right. Excellent. Excellent.

[Jennifer] All right.

Well, how's it look up there?

We are very satisfied.

I'm gonna write you a check.

And while I do, my husband
has something to say.

No, I don't. [chuckles]

I want to thank all of
you, really. [clears throat]

And the job is beautiful.

I apologize.

You didn't have to say that.

Well, yes, I did.

Here you are. Paid in full.

Oh, thank you. Great.

All right, we should
get going, you guys.

- We got another job to do.
- Yeah.

And if you ever, ever need us
again, please don't hesitate to call.

- All right.
- Right. So enjoy that showerhead, huh?

- Yes, sir.
- All right.

- Bye.
- Good-bye and thank you.

Cliff, I am very proud of you.

Did you see their little
faces when they left?

Especially when
they got the money.

Now... can I have my
sledgehammer back?

If you can find it.

Huh? Well, you know
where I'm gonna look.

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.

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