The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Drum Major - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, shucks!

Oh, my good...
Dad, I'm telling' you,

this is gonna be the best

Cliff's Ding-Dong
Eight-Alarm chili

ever tasted on the
face of this earth.

Cliff, why do you have to take
three days to make that chili?

Because, if you tasted
this the first day, you'd say,

"Mm. What can did
this come out of?"

If you tasted it on the
second day, you'd say,



"Oh, my goodness.
Somebody's grandmother

got up off her chair and just
took this to the mountain."

But the third
day... Oh, ho, ho...

Third day? You don't
even have to taste it.

You just walk by the pot,
something' say, "Hey, come here."

Sounds delicious. It is!

It is. Ahh.

Hmm. And now, all I have to do

is add the rest of
these herbs and spices.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Now!

- Now this truly is unbelievable!
- What's that, Dad?

Guess who is playing at the
Gaslight Club in the Village.

Slim Claxton and his trio!

Ah, you mean that man that
played the xylophone, wrote the song,



"Baby, don't step on my face,
'cause your shoes got nails in 'em"?

That's right. Oh!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- And he also did,

"Don't bring home a chicken
when you promised me a steak."

♪ Don't be home a chicken
if you promised me a steak ♪

♪♪ Yeah, that's right.

You know, I met Slim 52
years ago in New Orleans.

You're kidding'.

I try to see him
whenever he's in town.

You know, I've owed that man
some money for a long time.

And whenever I've tried to
pay him back, he won't let me.

Uh-uh. But I'm gonna
get him this time.

- What are you gonna do?
- I'll call the Gaslight Club,

and see if Slim's
down there today.

♪ Groovy little chicken if
you promised me steak ♪

♪♪

Ah! Oh, Lord.

♪♪

- Hi, Vanessa.
- Hi, Kenny.

What are you doing?

Practicing to be a drum major.
There's a tryout at school tomorrow.

- You can't be a drum major.
- Why not?

Drum majors are boys.

Who says?

They just are. I've never
seen a girl drum major.

- You're fibbing.
- Oh, no, he isn't, Rudy.

Most drum majors are boys.

Ha, ha. I was right.
Burned you bad.

However. A bunch of girls
and I got together at school,

and we decided that
we were gonna try out.

And since there has never
been a girl drum major

in our entire school history,

we have to be four times as
good for them to pick one of us.

I don't think you girls
should be doing this.

- Why not?
- My brother says,

"A man doesn't want to see
a woman doing a man's job,

unless she's wearing
a bathing suit."

Kenny, if you don't stop
listening to your brother,

the only person you're
gonna marry is him.

Ha, ha. Burned you worse.

Well, I don't care what he says,
I'm gonna go out for drum major,

and I'm gonna get it.

Yeah. That band is gonna be
following' my sister down the field, Bud.

Thank you, Rudy. How would
you like to help me practice?

Sure. I'd ask you to help,

but I don't think a man
would be able to do this.

Okay, now. Hold my cassette
recorder, and make sure that

no matter where I march,
you've got it pointed at me, okay?

Okay.

♪♪

All right! My drum
major. My granddaughter.

Thank you! I'm the band.

Well, let's hear
it for the band.

Uh, hon. Pardon me. One sec.

I just... I don't mean to take
anything away from you, but

we had a fellow
named Peter Poindexter.

He was, uh, 6' 4".

And Peter Poindexter
used to come out, and he's...

♪♪

And Pete also had that
double step back to the side.

♪♪

I tell you, he was
mean. So, you put a lot...

I'm sorry, son. Peter Poindexter
was good, but he was a sad imitation

of the greatest drum major
ever to strut across a football field.

I'm talking' about
Tall Walter Lomax.

- A 6'8" long spidery man, yeah.
- Six foot eight!

Who at Homecoming game of 1934,

gave birth to the
world-famous triple-dip.

"Alam-a-sa, sa, sa, sa,
alam-a-sa, sa, sa, sa,

alam-a-sa, sa, sa, sa."

But see, Peter Poindexter... I
forgot... My mind fails me sometimes...

Was actually 6'10".

And what he did
one day at halftime

was, he came out to the... ♪♪

And threw both
batons up into the air.

Sang The Star-Spangled Banner,

caught the baton
in the right hand

on "the home of the brave,"

and the other hand
on "the land of the free,"

'cause he was
singing it backwards.

Son, I'm afraid that is amateur
hour compared with Tall Walter.

Yeah, at halftime
of a game years ago,

Tall Walter, who as I
recall was at least 7'1",

led the band out onto the
field with those long strides

that seemed to take
up ten yards at a clip.

Ten yards a stride...

That's right. And
when he hit midfield,

he cut a Charleston step,

and suddenly, threw his
baton way up in the air.

And then, just when everybody was
waiting for the baton to come down,

Tall Walter Lomax led
the band off the field.

You mean, he just let the
baton fall on the ground?

No. A week later,

Tall Walter led the band
out onto the same field,

and the baton that he threw
up in the air seven days ago

came right down in his hand.

Grandpa, is that a true story?

If I'm lying', may I be
hit by a falling baton.

Hey, what say, Ed?

Hey, Slim. Reservations looking'
pretty good for tomorrow night.

Standing room only.

How much you going to
charge 'em for my smiling face?

$12.50 cover charge.

$12.50? Shoot, that's
kinda cheap, you know it?

You mind holding this for
me, Ed? It's my special coffee.

- Oh, can I have a cup?
- Uh-uh. You're too young.

You mean, you got something
else inside that besides coffee.

You is smart, you know that?

Let me take a look up here and
see about this xylophone up here.

- Well, everything looks p... Hey.
- Huh?

How much are you gonna charge
anybody sitting back of that post?

Oh, they pay double, 'cause
they don't have to look at you.

Gee, man, I'd charge 'em triple.

Let's see here.

Oh, I gotta get that.

See this here. ♪♪

Hey! Man, I ain't bad.
You know that there?

Who would pay
$12.50 to hear that?

Who is that out
there heckling me?

Do you remember a rainy night
in 1936 at the Club L'Amour?

Oh, my goodness!
If it ain't old Sly!

How you doing,
Sly? The very same!

Jeez, man, you look
good. Been too long!

It sure has, too. Slim,

this is my son, Heathcliff.

How you doin',
Heathcliff? How are you?

I've heard a lot about you.

Well, whatever you
hear, just multiply by 15,

then divide it by 16 and
don't pay no attention to it.

You know, a polite person

would have invited us to sit.

Well, I'll look around and
see if I can find a polite person.

Till then, y'all come
on and sit down.

Can I pour y'all
a cup of coffee?

Are you still drinking that
special coffee of yours?

Don't you know it?

Then I think I'll pass.

Yeah. What about you, Cliff?

Well, I'll have a little.

I'll pour you out a
little bit, Heathcliff.

You really gonna like this here.

Thank you. Yes, sir.

Yes. Ho!

How do you like it?

I can't get to it!

You know, you could
get arrested for that.

Ain't gonna bother me!

So, is Claude Powers
still in your trio?

Claude Powers? He's
been dead for 10 years.

No! How 'bout Freddie Collins?

Freddie Collins? He's dead.

You ever hear anything
about Choo-Choo Wallace?

Yeah, he's dead too.

- Uh, what about Skip Logan?
- Dead.

How about the Tannon
brothers? I mean...

Dead, dead and dead!

But there were four of them.

I know it. He's dead, too.

You know, Slim, I been
readin' about you for years.

I mean, you're out there on tour,
playing your music, going strong!

I'm proud of you, man.

That's a mighty fine
compliment coming from you.

For a man who can play a
horn sweeter than Gabriel.

Whoa-ho, well, I'm retired now.

You know, if I had your
money, I'd retire too.

No, no, no. I never did
make that much money.

Nobody said you made any money.
They just said you never let go of it.

Well, if I am so tight, why
am I about to hand you

a hundred-dollar bill?

I'm sure you remember
I owe you this money.

I sure do, to buy
Anna a wedding ring.

Son, I never told
you this, but, um,

51 years ago, I was
playing a gig in a club

when the owner stiffed
the band for a week's salary.

I had no money to
buy your mother a ring.

But Slim heard it, came
over to the hotel room

to offer his condolences...
And when he left,

I found a hundred-dollar
bill in my coat pocket.

And this time, you are
going to take the money.

Ain't no way I'm gonna
take that money, Sly.

I insist! You might insist,

but I'm a-gonna resist.

Slim, why won't you
take the money from me?

'Cause I'd be cursed.

Cursed. That's right.

You remember that old
hatchet-faced lady down in Louisiana

used to tell all them fortunes?

You mean Madame Carla?

That's her. You know something?

She changed my whole life.

She said if I went out
and gave people money,

I'd have nothin' but good
fortune the rest of my life.

And I'm telling you right now, ever
since I gave that little money to you

for you and your dear wife, I ain't
had nothing but the best of luck.

And I'm knocking on wood.

Shoot. That ain't
wood. That's Formica.

But you don't seem
to understand, Slim.

When I borrow money,
I always pay it back.

Why don't you give it to your
son? He looks like he can use it.

My son's a doctor.

- You a doctor?
- Yes, sir.

Well, say, Doc. How
about lending me $1,500?

No. But I tell you what. You can
join my father and me on Friday.

I cooked some special hot chili.

Friday? I gotta do four
shows. That's a big day.

Well, how early
do you want to eat?

What do you say
about 6:00 A.L.C.?

All right, and you bring
your special coffee.

Don't you know it!

And we'll talk loud
and draw a crowd!

I hear ya talking! Thank you.

Hey, Vanessa. How
were the tryouts?

Wait, Vanessa! Wait.
Come on, come on, come on.

You gotta tell me about this
now. Come on. How were they?

I am so mad, I
could hit somebody.

What was that for?

Because you're a guy.

Vanessa, what's wrong with you?

They didn't pick me
to be drum major!

I was robbed, royally.

They why are you hitting me?

Because three out the four
judges on the committee were guys.

And those guys picked
another guy to be drum major,

even though that guy
dropped the baton twice.

Okay, Vanessa. I think
you should calm down.

I think you're getting a little bit too
emotional about the whole situation.

Now maybe you should just
go home and have a good cry.

You might get it all
out of your system.

Why do girls have to go
home and have a good cry?

I mean, that's what
you guys always say.

You know who should be crying?
The guy who dropped the baton.

But he isn't. Because his buddies,
who are also guys, picked him.

I'm serious, man. Amy was
looking at me the whole time.

Get out of here. She was
looking over your head at me.

In your dreams!

Yo, fellows, what's up?

Hey, Theo. What are you doing here
so late? I didn't see you at the tryout.

Had a wrestling practice. You
guys went out for drum major?

Are you serious, man?
We were the judges.

You guys were the judges?

Yeah. We're in the band, and
they pick the judges from the band.

No kidding. So
how'd the tryouts go?

Pretty good.

You see Vanessa?

Hey, you know it. Theo,
your sister's looking good.

Hey, you know who's looking
even better? Amy Dressler.

- Oh, yeah.
- Did you see those shorts she had on?

Ooh! I would stay an extra year
in high school just to be next to her.

So how did Amy and my sister do?

Pretty good, I guess.

What do you mean, you guess?
Weren't you paying attention?

Sure, man. We were paying
attention. Everyone got a fair shot.

- Yeah, right.
- We picked the right guy.

Right, guys?

Hey, you know what?
It sounds to me like

no matter how good the girls were,
you were gonna pick a guy anyway.

Hey, you catch
on pretty fast, Hux.

At least we let
the girls try out.

I mean, hey, that's right.

Those girls out there today
should have been thanking us.

You know it. Hey.
Let's go, guys.

Hey, yeah. Later, Theo.

Hey, listen. Say hi to Vanessa.
Tell her I enjoyed what she did.

Yeah, all right.

You are now ready, my sweet.

Ready now... for the
hottest chili peppers

on the face of this Earth.

One.

More chili!

Now, to stir it up!

Daddy, can you help me get
the encyclopedia off the shelf?

Why? Are you going to hide a
note from your teacher in there?

No, I'm doing homework.

Oh, okay. As soon as I
finish with the chili... Ah!

Can I have a taste? No.

I just put in six of the hottest chili
peppers on the face of this Earth.

I swirled it around. If you don't
let 'em cook for the two hours,

when you taste this,
your face with go... boom!

And fire will shoot out,
and you will go running.

You won't wait for
me, you'll say, "Aah!"

And flames will be
shooting out of your face.

And you'll go over to Peter's house,
and he'll grab a fire extinguisher,

and... And then
foam will be all over,

and people will put a cherry on top,
and they'll sell you in the drugstore.

Okay, I'll wait. All right.

Come on. We'll find that...
"ensyckempetamine"?

En-cyclo-pedia!

Oh, you say that so
beautifully. Say it again.

Encyclopedia! Encyclopedia.

Whoo!

I told you to stay
out of my chili.

Mom! Ha, ha!

Yes?

- Tell me that you're proud of me.
- I'm proud of you.

No, Mom, let me tell you
why you're proud of me.

I found out that Vanessa did
not get drum major yesterday

because the judges had been
planning to pick a guy all along.

So, I went to the principal's
office and I told him.

And tonight, because of yours
truly, Theodore Aloysius Huxtable,

they're having new tryouts,
and they're having new judges:

two guys and two girls.

Oh, Theo, I am
very proud of you.

Mom, this is unbelievable.

Mind-boggling.
Beyond tremendous.

Yes?

The principal announced
that tonight they're

having new tryouts
for the drum major.

No!

And I bet I know
how it happened.

How?

Word must have gotten
out about how good I was!

So a bunch of
students got together

and forced the principal
to give me another chance.

I mean, I know I'm good, but
I didn't know I was a legend.

I'm going upstairs to practice.

Vanessa, I gotta
tell you something.

What?

Good luck.

Thanks.

Oh, and Theo?

I'm sorry I hit you earlier.

That's okay.

Theodore Huxtable, you
are beyond tremendous.

Mom? Yes.

You been in Dad's chili.

♪♪ Ow!

That was great.

Do you think I can
learn to play that?

Shoot. I just happen to
have one in my pocket here.

I think you can practice
on it. But be careful, though.

You liable to get
the athlete's feet.

♪♪

Hey, he's good.

I think we'll all retire
to the living room.

Mighty fine chili
tonight, son. Mighty fine.

Thank you. Little
bit bad for me.

I sure am glad I
brought my own sauce.

You know, they don't know how to
make sauce over there in Europe.

Slim. You have to admit they have
some pretty good food over there.

I was in France during
the war and hmm,

I can still remember
their bouillabaisse.

Bouillabaisse, bull.

That ain't nothin' but a
bunch of crawfish bits

with a dad-gum bunch of
dad-gum seashells chucked in there.

You know what that guy
wanted to charge me?

They wanted to charge me
$20. You know what I said?

"Let me tell you something.
If I'm gonna pay $20,

there better be some
pearls in these here shells."

Do you have time to stay a while
before you go down to the club?

Shoot, yeah. I got a little time.
Dad-gum right I have. Shoot.

Hey, Doc!

Yes, sir?

- Know what I'd like to have right now?
- What's that?

One of them stinky,
goat-rope cigars.

Well, you seem to
enjoy yourself, Slim.

Ah, it's because
I love bein' old.

You know something, Doc? You
don't know what you're missing.

I don't? No.

You know what they say about
women living longer than men?

Yeah. Well, it sure is right.

But let me tell you something.
I'm reaping all the harvest.

I go down to them
senior citizen dances,

and shoot, I dance all
night with them widows...

You know something?
They consider me a real stud!

You never did get
married, did you, Slim?

Shoot, no! I'm still
sowing my oats.

Well, okay.

I'm gonna have to get moseying.
I'd like to get down to the club

a little early and make
a fresh pot of coffee.

Right. I'll get
your coat for you.

Okay, thank you. Thank you, Doc.

I gotta go get my thermos.

Quite a guy, your friend Slim.

Son, quick! Give me his coat.

I'm gonna slip this $100
I owe him into his pocket.

Well, wait a minute, Dad.
Now you heard what he said

about the curse. Oh, Cliff!

Madame Carla was the
biggest con artist in New Orleans.

She used to tell every
man who came to her

that if he gave money
to someone in need,

it would bring him luck!

Then she'd arrange to have
one of her shills go up to that man

later, and say, "Hey,
buddy. I'm in need."

Say no more.

Doc, Sly, I want to thank
you for a wonderful evening.

Well, it's been our pleasure.

I sure do appreciate it.

And I want you to
remember one thing, Doc.

- Tomorrow night at the club?
- Uh-huh?

You gonna get the
best seat in the house.

- Where?
- Right back of that pole.

Be well.

Hi, Vanessa. Hi, everybody.

Come say hello. This is
my daughter, Vanessa.

Hi, Vanessa. Just call me Slim.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, Grandpa. Hey, baby.

How'd the tryout go?

Terrible. Oh.

I was good, Dad. I really was.

And I still didn't get
picked to be drum major.

- Who won?
- A girl who was 6'3" tall.

She showed up out of nowhere,
and wiped out everybody.

I bet you feel mighty
bad, don't you, sweetie?

Yeah, I sure do.

Well, I think I have
something you'll really like,

and I think your grandpa
would like for you to have it too.

Now, don't you go spending
it all in one place, you hear!

A hundred dollars?

Yeah, you put it
in your piggy bank.

Thank you so much!

Oh, you old sucker!

Ah, you sucker you. All right.

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The Cosby Show was taped
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