The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Visit - full transcript

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Oh-ho, whoa, they
beat up on us bad!

46 to 18. Man, the humiliation.

We're lucky to walk out
of there with our sneakers.

You guys, let's not
look down on ourselves.

It was just gym class.

- George, let me ask you one question.
- Yeah.

How come a guy as tall as
you is that lousy in basketball?

Just because a guy's tall and black doesn't
mean he has to be great at basketball.



- You better believe it; it's a tradition!
- That's right.

Because you look like you
do, people think you can play.

Isn't that what you folks think?

Right. Tall, black, slam dunk.

So go out there and dunk, fool.

Guys, I don't want to
be a basketball player.

I want to be an engineer.

I'm going to build bridges.

Aw, he's building bridges!

I hope you don't build
bridges like you play basketball

or they'll all fall down.

Whoa, ho, ho!

That hurts, guys. That hurts.

Hey, hey, guys,
guys, it's getting late.



Visiting hours at the hospital end at
5:00 and we promised Jake we'd be there.

- Yeah.
- Let's hurry and take a shower.

Yeah, man.

And make sure you save some
hot water for us, would you?

You guys, I don't think I can
make it down to the hospital.

Why not?

Well, I really should go to the
library and study for that chem test.

You're going to the library
on a Friday afternoon?

- Yeah.
- Theo, Theo...

how can you let a chem test get
in the way of seeing your buddy?

I mean, he's been
asking for us, man.

Yeah, I know. I'll go
with you guys next time.

We don't know when
we'll be going again, Theo.

That's right. So come
on, man, let's go.

- I can't.
- What's your problem?

Cancer isn't
contagious, you know?

Hey, my dad's a doctor, so I
know cancer isn't contagious.

So come.

All right, can I be
honest with you guys?

- Sure.
- All right.

I don't want to go see Jake
because the idea of a friend of mine

with cancer is depressing.

But Richard went to see him
yesterday. He said he looks all right.

He doesn't have any tubes
coming out of his nose or anything.

It's not the tubes
that bother me.

It's just that Jake is lying in
a hospital bed with cancer.

I mean, what do you
say to a guy like that?

You don't have to
say anything, man.

Yeah, you can stand
there and look depressed.

I don't know.

Look, Theo, if you were sick,
wouldn't you want some people

to come see you?

- No.
- You're lying, man.

Come on, let's go shower. Yeah.

Look, Theo, you should really
think about going to the hospital.

Jake would love to see you, man.

Cliff?

♪ Yeah, what you gonna
do? What you gonna say? ♪

Hi, dear!

What are you doing?

Oh, you know, I have three
babies I have to deliver tonight,

so I need to eat some dinner,
need some nourishment,

so I just made myself a little
something to eat there, you see.

What have we here?
Yes, we have carrots.

And we have the
grain bread, you see?

Healthy. Healthy, oh-so.

Oh, not only oh-so, but
in here I have lettuce.

Yes, three-leaf lettuce
going all over the place,

and just with a touch of lemon,
no oil or anything like that.

Cliff, that's a whole
container full of lettuce.

Can you eat all that?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. My, uh...

My body loves the roughage.

Just goes along, roughage,
roughage, roughage.

It says, "Look out, colon!"

Yes, indeed.

I've never seen you
eat that much lettuce.

Yes, well, uh...

Let me see this. Yeah,
the carrots... Huh?

Let me see. No.

But, dear, you don't
need to see the thing, see?

Okay, just take... Here,
I'll open it up for you.

See, there it is.
Look, lettuce, all right!

Two pieces of apple
pie in the lettuce, Cliff?

Uh, that's an apple pie salad.

Got them all. I win.

Big deal. Jacks,
it's a girl game.

Well, what do you want to play?

Hockey. I can whip you at that.

Hi, Rudy. Hi, Kenny.

Elvin!

Hiya.

Where's Sondra?
She went to Boston.

What's she doing there?

Did you get a divorce?

No, no. She and her college
girlfriends are having a reunion up there.

Did you give her
permission to go?

She doesn't need
to get his permission.

If she was a good
wife she would.

No, Kenny, no. Sondra's
a very good wife.

But we respect each other as
individuals, so we give each other freedom.

If she wants to do
something, she does it.

Elvin, you need to have
a talk with my brother.

Why?

He says the man has to
wear the pants in the family.

If he doesn't, his wife will put on
his shoes and walk all over him.

Really?

Well, Sondra and
I are not like that.

You know, she's up
there having a good time

and I'm down here having
a good time on my own.

Are you lonely?

Why do you ask that?

Because you're sitting
here talking to two children.

I like children.

I don't buy that. You
miss your woman.

You're right.

You got the blues, man.

Well, I'm going to go
talk to Mom and Dad.

Are they home?

- Yeah, they're in the kitchen.
- Okay.

- Rudy, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Speaking as a woman,
if you were married,

would you go to Boston
without your husband?

Elvin, I'm not a woman.

Yes, you are.
Just like I'm a man.

You're no man, you're Bud.

If you were married to me,
would you go to Boston?

First of all, I'm not
going to marry you.

You would if I told you to.

No, I wouldn't. You
have to earn my love.

A man doesn't have to earn love.

A woman gives it
to him automatically.

Not this woman.

Uh-huh. Guys, guys,

I didn't mean to
start anything here.

Uh, you know, two people
should really try to cherish

the few precious moments
they have together.

I tried, but this
woman's like a hurricane.

Now, you have a banana, an
orange, a pear and an apple,

and the apple skin for roughage.

And this, my love,

is your fruit salad pie dessert.

Aw...

Hi, Mom, Dad.

Hi. Hi, Elvin.

- Hi.
- Have you heard from Sondra?

She called me today.

She and her friends are
having a lobster dinner in Boston

even as we speak.

Oh. So, what have you
got planned for yourself?

Oh, a lot.

I'm going to make the
most of these next few days.

So far, I've been
having a great time.

Really?

Yeah, I've... I've, uh,
gone for some walks.

I've gone to some kung fu movies,
talked with my buddies on the phone,

guy stuff, you know?

So you're not lonely at all.

Me? No!

No, no, I'm... I'm fine.

So you came over here to...

To say "hello," you know? I
happened to be in the neighborhood.

Would you like
to stay for dinner?

No. No need for that.

There's a great coffee shop
around the corner from our apartment.

I ate there last night.

They have a Salisbury steak
platter that's out of this world.

- Salisbury steak?
- Salisbury steak, yeah.

Yum, yum.

Would you guys like
to join me tonight?

Oh, thank you, Elvin.

No, we're going to have
dinner here at home.

Oh, okay.

But it's a shame that
you're not joining us

because Dr. Huxtable is going
to the hospital tonight and...

Thank you sweetheart...

and there's just going to be
an empty space at the table.

Mm.

Mm, mm. Wow.

- Elvin?
- Hmm?

Don't breathe on the meat, son.

Well, Mom, if...

If you need
company, I could stay.

Well, I think that's wonderful of
you to sacrifice a nice Salisbury steak

to keep my family company.

Anytime, Dad. Anytime.

And look, tomorrow night,
if you guys aren't busy,

why don't you be my guests
at the coffee shop, huh?

Salisbury steak for three.

And bring the kids because they
have this great fish sticks platter.

It's great for kids
and I've tried it.

It's very good.

Elvin, why don't you
eat with us tomorrow?

Fine.

Can I help you?

Oh, hi. I'm a friend
of Jake Palmer's.

I came to see him.

Right over there in room 238.

- Right over there?
- Right over there.

Here?

There.

You can go in if you want.

Well, you know, maybe I shouldn't
because he may be sleeping.

No, I was just in
there. He's wide awake.

Well, I know Jake
has had a lot of visitors.

I really don't want
to wear him out.

Well, he had some
visitors this afternoon,

but you're the first one
who's stopped by tonight.

And Jake loves visitors.

Oh, okay.

- Can I ask your professional opinion?
- Sure.

Well, is it possible that a
patient in a certain condition

can have too many visitors?

Yes, but not in Jake's case.

Oh, good.

Are you going in or what?

Did you say it was room 238?

- Yes.
- Okay, just double checking.

Wouldn't want to walk in
and surprise a total stranger.

That would be
pretty embarrassing.

Right.

Just, um, take your time.

I'm fine, really.

Jake?

Jake?

Jake!

You have a visitor.

- Who is it?
- Theo Huxtable.

All right! It's about time.

Tell him to come in.

He's been trying to
for the last 20 minutes.

He's hesitant.

Ah, the guys told me he had
cold feet about coming here.

You want me to
have a talk with him?

No, I think I know how
to make him feel better.

Send him in.

Uh, Jake?

I hear a voice.

Who is it?

It's... It's Theo.

Theo who?

Theo Huxtable.

We're in the same homeroom.

Oh, yeah, now I remember you.

Theo, come closer. I
want to tell you something.

Closer.

A little closer.

Much closer.

Kiss me.

Kiss you?

Yes, kiss me.

Are you sure that's going
to make you feel better?

No, but this will!

Ah!

Where've you been, you creep?

Hey, man. I've been busy.

Yeah, busy dodging me.

No, look, I'm sorry
I didn't come down.

I figured you need your rest.

Get off it. Who needs rest?

Besides, the guys told me you
were too much of a coward to face me.

Hey, I'm here, aren't I?

Oh, great. Just what I
need, another guy here.

I've had nothing but
guys come to visit me.

What I want is some action.

Hey, why don't you go out in the
hall and round us up some women?

Okay, all right, women.

Later, I promise.

So, how you feeling?

Aside from a little
cancer, I'm fine.

Oh.

What's the matter? It bothers
you to hear me say that?

No, it doesn't bother me to
hear you talk about your, uh...

Your illness.

The illness is cancer.
Can't you say the word?

Sure, I can say the word.

So go ahead.

Cancer.

All right, forget that idea.
We'll talk about something else.

- All right.
- I'll help you out.

What was Jill Troy wearing
in history class today?

Oh, well, she had on, uh...
She had a yellow sweater,

she was wearing a tweed skirt and
I think she had a pair of loafers on.

No, man, I don't
want a news report.

Tell me what she looked like in
the yellow sweater and tweed skirt.

And talk slowly.

Uh, she looked fine, I guess.

Fine?

Theo, are you feeling all right?

Jill Troy has never
looked fine a day in her life.

Even when she had pneumonia
she looked unbelievable.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to
make conversation.

Well, stop making
conversation and talk to me.

Pretend we're
not in the hospital.

Pretend we're hanging
out at your house.

Okay.

Uh... today at
school we ran track.

How come you weren't there?

Hey, man, I was in bed.

After school today,
I went to the mall.

Where did you go?

Are you out of your mind?

Hey, man, you told me to pretend
like we're not in a hospital room.

How am I supposed to do that?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Okay.

So, how's it feel
to have the big C?

The big C?

Yeah, how's your cancer?

Hey, man, can't you
be more sensitive?

No.

Good, that's the old Theo.

So what'd you bring me?

What makes you think I
brought you something?

Well, everybody who visits
a hospital brings something.

It's a rule.

All right, so I managed
to sneak something in.

All right! What is it?

Went down to Louis' and
got you a number three sub.

Oh... Oh, my favorite.

Salami, provolone cheese,
pepperoni and pimiento loaf.

See, I was thinking about you.

Hey, man, there's nothing on this
bread but some onions and lettuce.

Well, yeah.

All the other stuff on there
wasn't good for you, so I ate them.

- You ate them?
- Yeah.

What's the straw for?

Oh, well, I had to wash it all down
with the milkshake I bought you.

Hello, Elvin.

Hi, Mom.

I finished the dishes, so I thought
I'd clean the shelves in the cupboard.

That's very nice of you, but that
cupboard was cleaned three days ago.

Well, you know, cupboards
can never be too clean.

And when I'm done,
if you don't mind,

I thought I'd take off the
wax buildup on your floor.

I have wax buildup? Not much.

But I think now's the time,
probably, to nip it in the bud.

Mm.

Elvin, if you're creating all
this work just to make an excuse

to stick around, honey,
really it's not necessary.

Mom, I don't need any
excuses to stick around.

Hey, the night is
young; I've got a lot to do.

Really? What have you got to do?

What have I got to do?

Yes, darling, what
have you got to do?

Well... nothing, nothing.

I've got... I've got nothing
to do, absolutely nothing.

Mom, I'm so alone.
I miss my muffin.

I'm lost.

Elvin, she's going to be
back in a couple of days.

I don't know. I don't
think I can make it.

Things are so bad I have an
eight-year-old boy out there

giving me advice.

Mom, please, please, please
call Sondra on the phone.

Tell her she needs to be
back here with her man.

Honey, if you feel that way, why
don't you call her and tell her yourself?

I can't. If she knew how
devastating her absence has been,

how miserable I am,
it would ruin her trip.

Well, would it make you feel any better
if I told you could stay the night with us?

You're just saying that
because you feel sorry for me.

- Yes.
- I don't care; I accept.

Thank you, Mom.

It's Sick People
14, Well People 16.

- Sick People have the ball.
- Whoa.

- They take it up court!
- No, no, no, no.

Sick People are
feeling a little tired.

All right. You
want to relax, then?

Sick People trick!

It's up and in! Tied score!

Man, you are low!

Hey, man, I'm a survivor.

You're the lowest survivor.

Hey, fellas, how you doing?

Hey, Dad. Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

All right. Pardon
me, but what is this?

Is this some new kind of treatment
I don't know anything about?

We're just having a
little game of one on one.

Well, who's your doctor? Dr. J.?

Hey, don't give me such
a hard time, Dr. Huxtable.

I should be able to do
whatever I want. I'm a dying man.

Well, are you dying standing up?

Listen, get back in that bed.

You're going to be around here long
enough for me to deliver your children.

- Hello, Jake.
- Grandpa.

Hello, Dr. Huxtable.

How are you, Mr. Lindquist?

How are you? This
is my son Theo.

Theo, this man has raised more
money than anybody for this hospital.

Mr. Lindquist, this
is my son Theo.

Shake his hand.

How do you do, Theo?
Happy to meet you, sir.

Happy to meet you.

So how's my grandson?

I'm fine; they're taking
good care of me, Pops.

Mark my words, doc, someday
we're going to lick this thing.

Here comes the pitch.

If we could raise enough
money for research,

we could put an end to cancer.

We've got to get the
government behind us.

The government's got
to put up more money.

They surely will find
that money in the budget.

If everyone would write
to their congressman,

I'm sure we'd get this job done.

All right, fine.

Just a minute. Yes, sir?

Have you written
your congressman?

Uh, well, I...
No, no, I haven't.

How about going outside
and writing right now?

I don't have a
pen. It's upstairs.

You can use my pen.

You know, you're very pushy.

Thank you.

Hey, they're gone.

Score was tied, right?

- Sick People up by 4.
- Yeah, nice try.

16-16, pal. Come on.

Now Huxtable has the ball.

He's coming down the court.

And what does he
do? Whoa, he turns...

Whoa, time out, time
out. Sick Person time out.

Oh, yeah, I'm not
falling for that one.

Come on.

This time I mean it. I'm tired.

Yeah, and I'm tired of
your lies. Get up, kid.

I'm not kidding,
Theo. I need a break.

Well, I guess you
do look kind of tired.

The thing that gets
me about being sick

is how fast I get tired.

I know what you mean.

I had the flu last month,
it almost knocked me out.

You're comparing
the flu to what I have?

Hey, come on, I
had it for four days.

Theo, since I've
had this relapse,

people have said some
pretty dumb things to me,

but what you just said could perhaps
be the dumbest, donkey breath.

Hey, well, I'm sorry.

Just answer me one
question. Why me?

Why'd I have to get cancer?
Why not someone else?

Why not the guy who
invented chemistry class?

You're going to make it, man.

You better believe it.

I'm going to beat it so
bad, it won't know what hit it.

I just wish I wasn't
so tired all the time.

Are you still tired now?

Yeah, sort of.

Well... that's too bad!

Huxtable wins.
Unchallenged victory.

Wait, check this out.

Elvin, hurry up, the
movie's going to start soon.

Here it is.

A little snack before
our movie marathon.

All right, brother-in-law.

Popcorn, ice cream,
soda, what a guy.

Elvin, we've never
had it so good.

I hope Sondra gets snowed in.

Please, don't say that.

Elvin, where'd you
get those pajamas?

You know, Dad has
a pair just like those.

Yeah, these are your dad's.
Your mom lent them to me.

Well, they're kind of big, but
they don't look too bad on you.

Thank you. I sort of feel
like your dad in these.

Wait, wait, let me see
if I can walk like him.

Oh, go, Elvin!

Was that is? I got it?

Yeah, do more!

Okay, okay.

Hey, pud, now don't
try to tell me what to do

because, you know, I paid
for that couch you're sitting on.

You people owe me...
You owe me 8s of 5,000s

of hundreds of dollars.

All right, he says this too.

I am your father.

No, no, no, let me say this.

I am your father.

If it was not for me, you
would not be able to pay

for the air that
you are breathing.

Now why don't you two go and
get a job, and get out of my house.

And then,

you will see me do some
major dancing on your face.

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The Cosby Show was taped
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