The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Show Must Go On - full transcript

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Rudy! Come on!

Everybody!

We got 40 minutes to
get down to the show!

We're gonna be late! 40 minutes!

That's it! Here we go!

We can't leave yet. Peter
and his brother aren't here yet.

They ought to be
here in a minute.

We can wait a
minute for them, okay?



Dr. Huxtable? Yes.

Will we like the show
we're going to see?

Of course you
are going to like it.

It's called A Salute
to Vaudeville,

and they have clowns,
they have comics.

Do they have a blues
band? I dig the blues.

I don't think there's
gonna be a blues band.

There they are. There
they are. There they are.

Hi! All right. On time!

How are you, Mr. Chiara? Fine.

And my friend...
how are you, Peter?

And look at your brother Paul!

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

It's good to see you
again. What's new?



Well...

I guess everything's all
right. What's with you?

Same old thing.

Life goes on. You
know how it is.

Yes, I... I... I certainly do.

I'll bring 'em home in
time for dinner, all right?

Thanks.

Okay, you guys line
up according to size.

Line up according to size.

All right. We're going to
see A Salute to Vaudeville.

Everybody understand the rules?

Yes!

Now, this is my team.

You're all going
to be well-behaved.

We will be well-behaved.

You will keep your
hands to yourselves.

We will keep our
hands to ourselves.

No taking anybody's scarf or
hat, rolling down the window,

putting your arm out
and using it as a flag.

No taking anybody's
scarf or hat...

No putting your
finger in your nose.

No putting your
finger in your nose.

And pulling out somethin'.

And pulling out somethin'.

- Or flicking it.
- Or flicking it.

And hitting me in
the back of the head.

And hitting you in
the back of the head.

And what do you have to say?

I don't know.

- Let the show begin.
- Let the show begin.

Forward, hut!

- Hi, Dr. Huxtable.
- Hey! How you doing, Robert?

You know, this is amazing.
I was on my way over here.

You must have
picked up on my vibes,

because you were
waiting for me at the door.

No, Robert, I didn't
pick up on anything.

See, I'm taking the kids out.
We're going in the station wagon.

See, you believe you were
taking the kids to the station wagon,

but I believe it's all
a part of the big plan.

It's called synchronicity.

Yeah. Okay. Well, Vanessa
is in the kitchen. Se ya.

Oh, no. But I came to see you.

No, I don't think you came
to see me because I'm going.

See, I wanted to share
something with you.

This book will open
new horizons for you.

It's called The Cosmic
Me by Kubliachief.

Uh-huh.

If you read this book
it will answer all your

questions about your
place in the universe.

Yeah, well right now, my place is
with the kids in the station wagon.

I'll wait for you.

No, no, no! You
don't wait for me...

because, see, you and I will be
synchromeshing down the freeway of life.

Just... look towards the
light, please. Thank you.

Mrs. Huxtable, I
am really happy that

you're helping me with
my election campaign.

Well, I know Dr. Huxtable
wanted to help you, too

but between you and me,

sometimes his campaign
slogans get a little strange.

Yeah, Dad already suggested,
"Vote for Janet. She'll Save the Planet."

- Hi.
- Hi, Robert.

Robert! What are you doing here?

Oh, I came over to see your father,
but he had to leave, so I'm just waiting.

Excuse me.

I don't believe we've met.

At least not in this lifetime.

My name is Morgan.

Morgan. Wow.
That's a pretty name.

- It befits you.
- Thanks.

If you don't mind me saying
this, you have an aura about you.

A glow.

I'm not afraid to
admit I'm drawn to it.

Why don't we go to the store
and pick up some more supplies?

- Good idea.
- Hey, let me come along.

No, no. You stay here.

Yeah Robert, I think
you better stay here.

You can think of some more
campaign slogans for my election.

Oh, okay. I'll come
up with slogans that will

make people aware
of your cosmic essence.

You know, Mrs. Huxtable,
fate works in strange ways.

I realize now why I was
brought over here today.

- Oh?
- To meet and marry Morgan.

I feel our destinies are intertwined
in a way that can't be denied.

- Robert?
- Yes?

I am suddenly
feeling very tired.

Would you mind if
I took a little nap?

Oh, no, not at all. You
don't have to entertain me.

Whenever I'm here,
I feel really at home.

It's like I've been
here forever.

I feel the same way, Robert.

Are you sure this
is the right place?

Well, this is the
address in the paper?

In the car, you told us it's
going to be a big fancy theater

with chandeliers
and velvet seats.

This place is not like that.

Yeah, this is a dump!

Oh, hi! Hi.

I'm Pamela. You can sit
down wherever you like.

Front row!

When do we get the popcorn?

I'm afraid we
don't have popcorn.

- What do you have?
- Just coffee.

- Do you have coffee ice cream?
- No, just coffee.

I'm really glad someone
finally showed up.

This is the most people
we've had here in weeks.

You mean we're the only
ones who are gonna be here?

Looks that way.

We can start the show
immediately if you like?

Okay. Just one second.

Um... okay. They're
gonna start the show.

Now, does anyone here
have to go to the bathroom?

Is there anyone here who
wants a drink of water?

Can I have a milkshake?

No, dear, they just have coffee.

I'll have a cup of coffee.

Nobody's going
to have any coffee.

All right. Now, have
we got that straight?

- Straight?
- Straight.

All right.

Thank you. Okay.

Joe, we're ready.

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to A
Salute to Vaudeville.

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen...

We're boys and girls!

And boys and girls...

- And daddies.
- And daddies.

We have any mommies out there?

No, she's at home.

Oh, fine.

Well, welcome to A
Salute to Vaudeville.

It's a thrilling, scintillating
afternoon of entertainment

guaranteed to keep
you glued to your seats.

Dr. Huxtable, I have
to go to the bathroom.

Me too.

Didn't I ask earlier if anybody
had to go to the bathroom?

- Yes.
- Well?

I didn't have to go then.

Me neither.

- I'm sorry.
- No problem.

- Where is it?
- It's...

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Uh, Pamela? The lights.

Are there any questions? Yes?

Is this vaudeville?

Well, this is a
salute to vaudeville.

Did vaudeville
have a blues band?

Uh... no. No blues band.

Too bad. He digs the blues.

I'm sorry. There shouldn't
be any more interruptions.

Please.

Thank you. And now...
Pamela, the lights.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen
and boys and girls and...

daddies and mommies
who are home,

I'd like to introduce
our first performer.

He is the great Ballantine.

♪♪

Take your time. Always
a few slow readers.

Name dropper.

What do you say we
get on with the show?

Best crowd we've
had here in years.

Pamela, the garbage.

All war surplus,
every piece of it.

Thank you, dear.

No trick. Just keeping
the dust off the basket.

Here we go.

Up!

Not bad for the first, huh?

Only the beginning.
Only the beginning.

Don't laugh. You may
have bags in your pants.

This is the best trick
I do I the whole act.

From the empty paper bag,

I produce a 68-pound pigeon.

That's the small
one. Here we go!

Give 'em all you've got.

That's all.

At the count of
three, the pigeon.

One, two... you
know... Come out flying.

They're waiting.

Let's go. Up!

Fly, boy, fly.

And now here's the one
you've all been waiting for.

Not that one.

The rabbit from the top hat!

All magicians do
it, why shouldn't I?

A few passes over the
hat fom the old dusteroo.

Inside the hat...

What happened to the duster?

Inside the hat...

Well, if you're gonna watch
that close, the trick is off.

I'll give 'em the big one now.

I'll make the whole
audience disappear.

Way to go, Kemo Sabe.

And now... tense
moment in the act.

Not for you, me.

I pluck 10,000 cards one
at a time with my fingertips.

10,000.

Pfft! I gotta see that myself.

10,000!

Wake 'em up!

Wasn't that funny, huh?

It was?

Well, he was hilarious, honey.

I guess it would be
funny if you were old.

Daddy, can we stop for
ice cream on the way home?

Sure. Sure we can.

Can we go home now?

No. Come on. Give
it a chance, all right?

Look at that.

Are they cleaning up or what?

This is boring.

The great Ballantine.
Wasn't he something?

Yes, he was.

Now before I introduce this
next very entertaining act,

which I'm sure
you're going to enjoy,

I just want to ask, does anybody
have to go to the bathroom?

I do.

But... but... you just went.

That time I only
washed my hands.

I'm sorry.

Pamela? The lights.

Does anybody else have to go?

Yes!

Hi. Hi, Robert.

The girls just went
for another walk.

Isn't that the third walk
they've taken in the last hour?

Yeah.

This is causing tremendous problems
in my relationship with Morgan.

I didn't realize you had a
relationship with Morgan.

Oh, definitely.

That woman's
going to be my wife.

Does she know this, Robert?

I think she has a sense of it.

Right before they took this
walk, I was telling her, "Morgan,

"you and I are like two stalks of corn
planted in the field of spiritual oneness

waiting for the
harvest of love."

I'm going for a walk.

What's so funny?

Two stalks of what
waiting where for which?

Robert, you're one of a kind.

I know.

I guess I'm just
on a higher plane.

You got that right.

Do you think that's why
girls I like don't like me back?

Oh, Robert, that's
not for me to say.

No, please, I'd like your
opinion. I could use it.

What am I doing wrong?

Well, for one thing, Robert, as soon as
you meet a girl, you want to marry her,

and you don't know
anything about her.

- That's not true?
- Not true? What's Morgan's last name?

Um...

I don't know. But it doesn't matter
because I want her to have my last name.

Robert, if you take my advice,
you won't rush things with Morgan.

Just let everything
evolve naturally.

You know, life is funny.

I thought my purpose in coming
here was to meet and marry Morgan.

Now I realize my true reason.

To partake of the wisdom
of Mrs. Clair Huxtable.

Last name, Robert.

Get the girl's last name.

I'm sorry. Her comb went further
down the drain than I thought.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go. Easy.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Shall we begin the show again?
- Yes, sir, please.

Uh, Pamela?

The lights.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

our next performer's been seen in all the
top comedy clubs in the Eastern seaboard.

Will you give a rousing vaudeville
welcome, please, to the Wall Street comic.

He's Andy Witherspoon, Ill.

Thank you. Thank you.

As you can probably tell, I'm
a business school graduate.

Are there any other business
school graduates out here today?

Uh, you, sir?

I'm a doctor.

Well, it doesn't mater.

Anyway, at my business school,
the dorm rules are very strict.

No corporate
raiding after midnight.

Also after midnight, the students
were not allowed to merge.

Uh, anyway, moving right along.

After business school,
I went to Wall Street

and got a job with a
major investment firm.

They started me at the bottom.

I cleaned up after
the bull every morning.

Which wasn't too bad
because he only left blue chips.

Uh... Ha ha.

Would it help if I said I
knew the Smurfs personally?

I guess not.

You know, I read
recently where a university

was using stockbrokers and
rats for medical experiments.

But they had to stop because
people felt sorry for the rats.

Kids, kids, kids.

You know, my nephew told me
some jokes I'm sure you've never heard.

What did the pen
say to the paper?

I've got my eyes on you.

Well, I bet you
don't know this one.

What did the rug
say to the floor?

Hands up. I've got you covered.

Good night. Thank you.
You've been wonderful.

Eddie!

Uh, that was Andy
Witherspoon, Ill.

Come on out here,
Andy, for another bow.

Forget it!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think
I see what may be called for here.

We will need just a few moments
while the next act gets ready.

So if anybody has to, uh...

go to the bathroom or anything,
this would be a good time.

Dr. Huxtable, he's
gone. Let's sneak out.

No, we can't sneak
out. It would be impolite.

I hope it gets better.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you guys enjoying the show?

Uh... Yeah. Um...

We're having a little
trouble over here,

and I was just wondering
about the next act.

Now, who is it?

Eddie, the MC.

Okay. Now, what does he do?

Well, that's hard to describe.

He does this combination of
physical, musical, comedy-dance thing

with contemporary,
traditional clown themes.

Ah! A clown! Yeah.

A-ha!

Now comes the clown! Ta-da!

Does he wear a clown suit?

No, he doesn't do that anymore.

Will he wear a red nose?

Sorry, he sold his nose.

What kind of clown
doesn't have a red nose?

Well, it doesn't make any difference
if he doesn't have a red nose.

He's going to be funny.

You say that every act
and nothing's been funny!

And now without further ado,

the dancer extraordinaire
Eddie Bartholomew and his trunk.

So... I'm sorry.

Buttoned wrong.

All right.

Now...

♪♪

Uh, that's a blues band.

Whoa!

Bravo!

All right, I think you
all know your cues.

We'll show Dr. Huxtable
what vaudeville's all about.

This is gonna be good.

Oh. Whew. Sorry.

Yeah. Okay.

All right, gang.
Come on. That's it.

We've all had a wonderful time.

Uh, Dr. Huxtable, the
show's not quite over yet.

Oh, it isn't?

No. In the great vaudevillian
tradition, we have a little encore.

♪♪

Ready?

Okay.

Bravo! Bravo!

What a great, great ending!

And now... lock 'em in! I'm
going for some ice cream.

♪♪

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Subtitled By J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.