The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 13 - Bookworm - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

Mmm... Hmm, hmm, hmm!

Now I got you on the run.

Ha ha ha!

Aw, protect your
queen. All right.

You move pawn to king 4.

There you go. Hit
your little machine.

All right, well, my computer
says that I counter your move

with bishop to knight 3.

Go ahead.



Exactly what I wanted you to do!

Ha ha!

See, it's your dad's mind
against that machine.

Deal with it.

Rook to bishop 1.

My friend the computer
says I should move here,

which means
that'll be checkmate,

which means that
will be eight in a row.

Aaah-ha!

A-ha! Eight in a row!

Theo and his computer,
8, Dad and his brain, zilch.

Theo! Theo!

Theo! Ho, ho!

Theo! Theo, you should
get packed, honey.



We told Sondra and Elvin

we'd drop you and
the girls off in an hour.

Okay, Mom.

You may be able
to use this, Dad.

Ha ha ha!

Theo! Theo! Theo!

Whoa!

And what are you doing?

Oh, just sitting around
losing everything.

Cliff, we have a book
discussion group to go to tonight.

How much of this
book have you read?

Oh, I've read through
the basic ideas of it.

Cliff, in our book
discussion group,

we don't just deal
with the basics, honey.

We get into the
book very seriously.

We talk about character,
theme, structure,

symbolism, everything.

These are very deep discussions.

Yeah, well, okay.

Well, then bring on the
deep. I'm ready for deep.

What are you going to
do when we come to a part

that you haven't read?

I will say, "Does anyone
want some coffee?"

Cliff, you're not
going to fool anybody.

Everyone's going to know
that you're not prepared.

This is the first time men
have been invited to our group.

Please, don't
embarrass yourself.

I'm not going to
embarrass myself.

Look, I'm going to be so good,
those people are going to think

that I'm the greatest
thing they've ever seen.

They're going to...
They're going to ask me

to set up an international
literary society

with me as the president,

and then ask me who
the vice president will be,

and I'm not naming you.

Cliff, read the book.

Dear... Thank you.

Read the book, Cliff.

Sondra, this is
such a fabulous idea.

Make your own pizza?
The kids are going to love it.

And if that doesn't get them,
they'll go crazy after dinner

when they get to make
their own sundaes.

We get to make our own sundaes?

Ooh! I can't wait!

Oh, that's them!

Let us in!

Hey! Our first overnight guests!

Come in.

You know, I love this place.

It looks better every
time I come here.

Glad you like it.

If I had a place like this,

it would be nothing
but party, party, party.

We had to walk up so
many stairs to get here.

When are you guys
going to get an elevator?

It's only five flights.

You get used to it after awhile.

But what if you get
all the way downstairs

and then you remember
that you forgot something?

Well, it depends on how
badly you need it, right?

I wouldn't care what it is.

I wouldn't come
back up here to get it.

Vanessa, you've been very quiet.

Is anything wrong?

Do you guys know
all your neighbors?

Most of them. Why?

Well, when we were
walking past the second floor,

this door opened, and I
saw this eye staring at me.

So I said, "Hello!" And
the door slammed shut.

I kept walking and
I turned around,

and there was the eye again.

I could feel rays from it

just going right through
the back of my skull.

Oh, that's Mrs. Harris.

She's very sweet.

She's just a little shy around
people she doesn't know.

Is she human?

Of course.

Well, I just wanted
to make sure,

because I saw this movie once,

and there was this old woman
who lived in a house just like this one,

and all she ever did
was stare out of her door.

Everyone thought
she was so sweet

until she came out of her
apartment with a hatchet,

wiped out everybody.

Vanessa, trust us.

Mrs. Harris would never
attack us with a hatchet.

She'd be too tired after she
walked up all those stairs.

You never told us, Paula,
whatever happened to Ben?

Well, we had our problems,

one of which was his son
from a previous marriage.

You didn't get
along with his son?

Oh, we got along fine.
That was the problem.

He was 22 years old

and he kept calling
me and asking me out.

22. Whoa, Paula!

You devil!

You're not going
out with him, are you?

Of course not.

I'm looking for a
much younger guy.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Hello. Hi!

Hey! Oh, Claire!

How are you doing? Hi, Cliff.

I'm sorry. We're a little late.

We had to drop the
kids off at Sondra's.

Oh, that's okay. Not
everybody's here yet.

Here, let me have your coats.

I found a doctor for you.

6'2", brilliant, sensitive, and
has his own X-ray equipment.

Ha ha!

Cliff, why is it every time I see you
you try to set me up with somebody new?

Now when are you going to stop?

When you get married.

Heh heh heh.

Shall I take him
home? No, he can stay.

Heh heh.

Well, why don't we go inside

and get down and deep
with the literary discussion?

Yeah, we're going to do our
best. Now you come on in.

Hi, everyone. Hello.

Oh, hey, Claire.

This is my husband, Cliff.

This is Debra, this is
Sari, and this is Elena.

- All right.
- Hi, Cliff.

- Hi, Cliff. Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

So, where are the men?

In the kitchen cooking biscuits?

No. So far you're
the only man here.

Well, what happened
to everybody else?

Ted had a family emergency.

What happened?

His cousin came up with two
tickets for tonight's Knicks game.

Joel stayed with the baby.

What about Roger?

He chickened out because
he didn't finish the book.

Well, we don't need to put
up with that deadbeat, do we?

No.

Well, let's give everybody a
couple more minutes to get here.

Cliff, Claire,
something to drink?

Orange juice. Cliff?

Well, I think I'll have
the usual literary drink,

a cup of tea and a
slice of cucumber.

Coming right up.

Yes. Cliff, could I
talk to you, please?

Yeah.

Sweetheart, I am really sorry
that the other men didn't show up.

This is not fair to you.

So now would be a good
time for you to slip out.

Make an excuse and leave.

No, no. I mean,
that wouldn't be right.

We drove all the way down here
and you have very nice friends, dear.

I know, but pretty soon
we're going to start talking

about the book.

So?

So you should admit to
everyone that you haven't read it.

No, I can't do that, dear.

But I'll do what I told you.

I'll just say, "Anybody
want some coffee?"

Alex! Jean! Hi! Hi! Hi, Claire.

All right. Hi, Cliff.

So, are Jerry and
Gilbert parking your cars?

No, no, no.

Jerry had to work late.

Gilbert is sick.

Okay.

Well, anybody want some
coffee or is that too early now?

I told you making our own
pizzas would be fun, huh?

Ah, well, mine's ready.

A pepperoni, hotdog, mushroom,
onion, garlic, sardine deluxe.

Ugh.

Theo, you're a pig.

Theo can be anything
he wants to be.

He's our guest.

Thank you, Sondra,

and may I say to
both of you, "Oink."

Ha ha!

Well, mine's ready to go.

Mine, too. I'm hungry.

Well, good. Let's put
'em all in the oven.

- We can't do that.
- Why not?

Well, our old oven broke,

so we're making due
with a toaster oven.

We have to cook the
pizzas one at a time.

Oh, man. You're kidding.

What am I supposed
to do? Eat my arm?

Oh, come on, now, everyone.

We're here to have fun.

It won't hurt us if we have to
wait a little bit for dinner, okay?

- Okay.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.

- Yeah.
- Listen, I've got a great idea.

While we're waiting for the
pizza, let's play... charades.

You must be joking.

Elvin, we're not
middle-aged people.

Let's watch TV.

Hey, yeah. Yeah, TV.

Wouldn't you rather play a
game that expands your minds?

Isn't that why we
made our own pizzas?

Come on, you guys.
I'll turn on the television.

Elvin, there's nothing on
channel 4 but fuzz and static.

Yeah, well, we
don't get channel 4.

But channel 2 works real well.

That's not a good picture.

Everyone's head
is waving around.

Yeah.

There's a big line
down the middle.

Maybe you should take that
back to where you bought it.

I didn't buy it. Sondra
and I found it on the street.

It needs a new picture tube,

but they stopped making
this model about 18 years ago.

Is my pizza ready yet?

No, Rudy. It's
going to take awhile.

But I think Elvin had
a good suggestion.

Why don't we play
charades? Yeah.

Well, do you have any
other games we can play?

Well, I was going to save this until
later, but I guess we can do it now.

How about we make up limericks?

Charades.

Charades.

Oh, good. This is
going to be so much fun.

Honey, why don't you go first?

Sure. Okay.

Um...

Windmill!

Oh, no, Rudy.

That means he's going
to act out a movie title.

Gone With the
Windmill. Ha ha ha.

Theo, if we're going to have
fun, we have to be serious.

Swimming! You're swimming!

The Swimming Movie!

Rudy, there's no such thing
called The Swimming Movie!

Come on, guys,
try to concentrate.

You heard me, Agnes,

I said I'm going bowling!

Bert, if you're not here
when my mother comes over,

you'll sleep out
on the fire escape!

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd rather freeze than
have to look at your mother!

You big, dumb slob!

You'll pay for that!

- Who's that?
- That's Bert and Agnes.

They live upstairs.

Do they always yell like that?

No. Only when they're together.

Come on, you guys,
let's get back to charades.

We were just starting
to have fun. Yeah.

Go ahead, Elvin. Okay. Um...

Sounds like. Sounds like.

♪♪

Somebody's
blasting their stereo!

It's not the stereo. It's, uh...

They're having a wedding
downstairs at the Greek restaurant.

- We just have to talk up a little bit.
- What?

- We just have to talk a little louder!
- Okay!

I just called my mother!

She thinks you're a big jerk!

Takes one to know one, Agnes!

One more remark
like that and I'm history!

Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this!

Takes one to know one, Agnes.

So? Why you still here?

You know what?
You know what I think?

I think that this book
dares you to be intimate

with the thematic premise.

I agree, but structurally,
it pushes you away.

I have to say, I had the
same problem with it.

Well, it's different than
last week's book, true,

I mean, although they're
both written in second person.

Too many contemporary
novels are written that way.

Really? Second person novels
are usually more expressive to me.

Women, think so?

Would you listen to us?

Now, we're completely
leaving Cliff out.

No, I'm enjoying myself.

Oh, but, Cliff, we
want you to participate.

Well, I have participated.

I had some tea and a basil
leaf dipped in garlic sauce.

I'd like to know how a
man feels about the book.

Well, I thought it
was very well written.

She means the male perspective.

Oh, the male perspective?

I really don't feel that you
should look... or read a book

from the male or
female perspective.

I think that it ruins the
whole literary outlook.

Good point. Good point.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, absolutely!

One shouldn't be so
limited in one's thinking.

Cliff? Hmm?

What did you think
about the ring motif?

Oh, right. Right.

The ring motif?

I could really use
some coffee right now.

Cliff, would you get it for me?

No, you can got get it yourself.

We're having a discussion.

But don't you think that
this would be a good time

for you to have
some coffee, too?

No. We're having a
literary discussion, see?

Isn't that... That's why
we came here, you see.

Now, what was your question?

I just asked if you had any
thoughts about the ring motif.

The ring motif. The ring motif.

Yes, I heard what she said.

Well, I thought that
the ring symbols

showed the boundaries
and the limitations

that we put on our lives.

Very nice observation.

- Where did you feel that the most?
- Huh?

Where did you
feel that the most?

Where did I feel it the most?

Yes, Cliff. Where did
you feel it the most?

So... I felt it the most, um,

in the areas of the, uh,

the waterwheel and the circus.

And then, not as
obvious as the others,

in the description of the silo.

Right.

The silo! I didn't
think of that.

Well, see, it's
not that obvious...

you see.

And one that was really
almost buried, I felt,

was the wine barrel.

The wine barrel on page 296.

Um, the, um...

I think it's the second...
Second paragraph. 296.

Uh-huh. There you go.

You read this whole book.

Well, isn't that the whole idea
of what this meeting is about?

Oh, Cliff, I want to hear more.

Well, I felt that the book
made a rather bold statement

in that the Congresswoman

and her relationship
with Arthur...

That fascinated me.
What did you think?

Well, I felt that what the
author seemed to be saying

was that a woman
can be equal to a man...

But at the same time

can fulfill a subconscious
need to be rescued.

And so, what I felt about... Ow.

Did I hear you say that a woman has
a subconscious need to be rescued?

I definitely heard you say that.

Rescued. I said rescued.

Oh. Yeah, rescued.

Well, then, attended, then.

Attended... Well,
liberated, then.

We got liberated and
equal. There you go.

Huh? Cliff, that's worse.

Worse? Yes.

Ahh.

Oh, well.

You know, I mean, it's like
women and other people, see...

What other people?

There's only two kinds of
people, men and women.

Now, but I mean...

You know, well,
there's children...

You got children.

Cliff, now you are not comparing
women to children, are you?

Don't you want some coffee?

No, I think we're much more
interested in what you have to say.

Yes. I know I am.

What did you mean
when you said "rescued"?

Oh, the...

What I'm saying
is that... women...

and men have a
need to be rescued.

Like, I have need to
be rescued right now.

But, I need to be rescued by a
big, strong woman, obviously,

because the one who
is sitting beside me now

is not trying to
help anything at all.

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, everybody, I
think the wedding's over.

Good.

Uh, Elvin, Sondra,

do you mind if I ask
you a personal question?

No, go ahead.

Why do you live like this?

Like what?

Well, in a small apartment
with a lot of noise, no television,

and a toaster oven that takes 30
minutes to cook a four-inch pizza.

Theo, I know this
apartment isn't the best,

but for now it will do.

But you two went to Princeton.

I could drop out of high
school and do better than this.

Look, you guys.

Elvin and I aren't going to live in
this apartment for the rest of our lives.

That's right. This
is not permanent.

Can we go to sleep? I'm tired.

She's right. I'm
kind of tired, too.

Okay, let's get some shut-eye.

Okay. Good night, Elvin.

Good night, muffin.
Good night, Theo.

Good night, Vanessa.
Good night, Rudy.

Okay! All right!

♪♪

Oh, no!

I think they're doing
the handkerchief dance.

What the hell is all
that noise down there?

Shut up!

I hope you're not
yelling at me, pal!

♪♪

Oh! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I still can't believe you
faked me out like that.

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, that will teach
you from now on

to doubt my
intellectual prowess.

It's true! Yes.

I was impressed with some
of your thoughts on the book.

Are you saying that you
are in love with my mind?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

As a matter of fact,
at this very moment

I am quite attracted to it.

Whew.

Would you like to
have more of mind?

Yes.

I feel that the thematic
premise of our relationship

is filled with
metaphoric ironies.

Kiss me, you literary fool!

Oh, whew! What a night!

Why are you here?

Well, Dad, I don't think the kids had
such a great time at our apartment.

You can say that again.

Dad, we heard a
lot of noise tonight.

Is it okay if we
turn the music off?

Go ahead. Thanks.

Now, look, your father
and I were sitting in here

sharing each others' minds.

You all get back
over to Elvin's.

Mom, please let us
stay. We love it here.

Okay, what happened?

You couldn't
here yourself think.

People were yelling,
a band was playing,

and then that thing
moved in the corner.

What thing?

Vanessa swears she
saw something move.

I did. It was alive
and had legs.

It's all her imagination.

It was not. I saw it.

The apartment got cold,
so we turned the heat on.

But the room just kept
getting hotter and hotter.

So I opened up the window and
there was this paper bag on the ceiling.

It blew over near
Vanessa's head...

And Vanessa started to scream.

Vanessa woke up the
whole neighborhood.

So then Vanessa swore she saw
a woman coming down the hallway

with a hatchet in her hand.

Vanessa, take your sister
upstairs and put her to bed.

- Thank you.
- Have a good night.

Good night.

Don't let that hatchet
woman get you.

Hey, hey.

Popcorn looks good, Dad.

Mm-hmm. So...

What, are you guys up
to watch an old movie?

No.

You having a chat?

- No.
- So what are you doing?

Oh. Heh... Should I leave?

No, that's all right, Elvin.
You stay. We'll leave.

Good night. Good night.

So, Dad, how did the
meeting go tonight?

Good night, Dad.

Well, Elvin, help
yourself to some popcorn

popped in a brand new hot
air popper bought in a store.

Heh heh.

It's very tasty.

Elvin, listen.

- No Bert and no Agnes.
- Yeah.

Life without the loudmouths.

Mmm! Check this out.

Mmm?

No wavy head.

Clear channel. Yeah, you got it.

Color, too.

I forgot they invented that.

You know, Theo, even though
I don't have a lot right now,

there's one thing
I can be sure of.

Sondra loves me more
than anything in the world.

Why do you say that?

She'd have to
to give up all this.

Subtitled By J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.