The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Locker Room - full transcript

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Nice jump shot, Lyle.

Yeah, well, how did that
ball taste after you ate it?

Hey, how am I supposed
to concentrate on my game?

Did you see those cheerleaders
practicing at the other end?

Whoo!

Lyle, the way you
were shooting, it looked

like you were trying
out for the cheerleaders.

Yeah?



Well, the closest you'll ever get to a
cheerleader was in that gym today.

Ooh, good one.
He got you, Gordon.

Lyle, you're just jealous because I
went out Tuesday night with Sherry Jarbo.

Big deal. I'm sure
nothing happened anyway.

Then why have I been smiling
for the past three days, huh?

Which reminds me,
Theo, you haven't told us

what happened on your
date with Christie Evans.

Yeah, Theo. Details.

Well, what's it worth to you?

Knowing you,
probably three cents.

All right, fellas, go
ahead and laugh,

but let's put it this way.

If you guys won the lottery,
you still couldn't afford my details.

Oh!



We got the all-star
team in here today.

Well, if you're
looking for an MVP,

maybe I should tell you about
my date with Nancy Jenkins.

Oh, don't tell me you got to
first base with Nancy Jenkins.

First base? I hit
it out of the park.

Ooh, too much!

Thank you, thank you. I'll be
signing autographs over there.

Well, Lyle, what about you?
You haven't said anything?

Didn't you go out with,
uh, Jennifer Higgins?

Yeah, Lyle, what happened?

You'll read all about it
when the book comes out.

Aw... If your
mothers let you buy it.

We're definitely all-stars.

Yeah, when we graduate,
they're going to put a plaque up

in this locker room.

Yeah, and you know
what it's going to say?

"On this site stood some real men
who learned everything they know

from Lyle Thompson."

Oh, please. Get outta here.

Ladies and gentlemen, lovers
of magic, and prestidigitation,

I present for your enjoyment
that mistress of illusion,

that madam of mystery,
that lady of legerdemain,

the great Rudini!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And thank you, my
loyal assistant Mommina.

Are you ready to perform
feats of magic, oh, great Rudini?

Yes, I'm ready.

I hold in my hand an
ordinary drinking glass.

Please, hold your
applause until the end.

My assistant will pour
milk into the glass.

Mommina, the milk.

Thank you. Ladies and
gentlemen, isn't she beautiful?

Are you going to drink
the milk, oh, great Rudini?

No, I'm going to
make it disappear.

Impossible.

You shall see, oh, doubtful one.

I shall now say the magic words.

Abracadabra, hocus pocus,

make this milk go out of focus.

Wait, wait, there is more.

Really?

Now what has happened
to the milk, oh, great Rudini?

The milk has become
a beautiful silk scarf.

Fantastic! Fantastic!

How'd you do that?

I cannot reveal my
secrets to mere mortals.

Well, I'm sorry. The
mere mortal apologizes.

Would you go off
to your magic room?

Okay.

Thank you and goodnight.
You've been a terrific audience.

Oh, isn't she something?

That's not bad.
How'd she do that?

Oh, as the magician's
assistant I'm sworn to secrecy.

How did she do it?

I'm serious, Cliff.

I promised the great
Rudini I'd never tell.

Okay, I'll find out
one way or the other.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Mom.

Hey, son, do me a favor.

Before you go out, let me
know, because you and I have

some detective work
to do around here.

Sure.

- Did I get any phone calls?
- You certainly did.

There's some messages
for you on that pad.

Okay, thanks.

Uh, Jenny, Smitty, Lyle.

Oh, Theo, wait a minute.
That call from Lyle isn't for you.

- What do you mean?
- He called for Vanessa.

What did he want with Vanessa?

He asked her out. They're
going to a movie tonight.

You mean, you gave Vanessa
permission to go out with Lyle Thompson?

Well, sure.

They're going to an early show.

But, Mom, you don't
even know the guy.

Theo, he's your friend.

You've brought him
over here a million times.

- Where's Vanessa?
- Upstairs in her room.

Okay, thanks.

The glass has a false bottom.

Nope.

She didn't have tubes
running up her arm or anything?

Not even close. Cliff,
you're never going to get this.

You're not going
to tell me, right?

Oh, no. Okay.

Well, I'll go down
to the magic shop

and when I come back, I'm
going to make you disappear.

And then I'm going
to make her disappear

and make everybody disappear

if I don't find out how that
trick works in that glass.

People will say to me, "What
happened to your family?"

I'll say, "Oh, I put them all in
the glass; they disappeared."

The milk has become
a beautiful silk scarf.

Wow!

How'd you do that?

I cannot reveal my secret.

- This trick...
- Vanessa, I need to talk to you.

Who dares interrupt
the great Rudini?

This will only take
a minute, Rudy.

Okay.

Vanessa, I hear you're going
on a date with Lyle Thompson.

Yeah. I saw him at a Latin club meeting
and he asked me to go to a movie with him.

- I don't think it's a good idea.
- Why not?

- Because of a lot of reasons.
- Like what?

First of all, he's a junior
and you're a freshman.

- So?
- He's two whole years older.

What's wrong with that. Dad
is four years older than Mom.

Yeah, but, Vanessa, they're old.

It doesn't matter
to them anymore.

Age doesn't matter to me either.

Well, it should.

Are you aware of the fact that women live
an average of five years longer than men?

You're getting involved with a guy
who's going to die way before you.

What am I supposed to do?
Date someone Rudy's age?

You could ask out Bud.

Okay, Vanessa, I didn't
want to talk about this,

but there are other reasons you
should not go out with Lyle Thompson.

He's got experience.

Experience in what?

Well, if you don't know,
then that's another reason

you shouldn't go out with him.

Theo, I think Lyle's a very nice boy,
and that's why I'm going out with him.

Vanessa, believe me, you
should not go out with him.

And I'm only saying this
because I care about you.

You never seemed to
care about me before.

Vanessa, I care about you a lot.

I always have.

Do you remember one
time when you were a baby,

and you fell out of your crib and I
reached down and picked you up

and gently placed you back?

No, but I do remember the
time you tried to feed me flies.

You told me they were raisins.

Okay, Vanessa, I
tried to be sensible,

I've tried to be understanding,

but now I'm going
to have to pull rank.

As your older brother,
I forbid you to see Lyle.

You forbid me? Yes.

I didn't know an older
brother could do that.

Well, I can.

Theo, will you get out of here?

Only Mom or Dad
can forbid something.

Yes, but I'm responsible for
the things that slide by them.

When Mom and Dad make a mistake in
judgjudgmentment, that's when I step in.

I'm sorry, Theo.

I am going out with
Lyle Thompson.

Okay, Vanessa,
but I'm warning you.

You can end up a shattered
woman, laying in a gutter saying,

"I should have listened to
Theo, but now it's too late."

Poof! He's gone.

Thank you.

Man, I just love dodge ball.

They should put
it in the Olympics.

Hey, you guys. Hey, what's up?

Lyle, lover boy.

Hey, how about a report?

A report?

Yeah, how was your
date with Vanessa?

Give us some details.

Hurry up, Huxtable's
in the shower.

Look, guys, I
have nothing to tell.

Are you trying to say nothing
happened between you and Vanessa?

No, I'm not saying that.

So, then, something did happen.

- Maybe.
- Oh.

You know something,
guys, this man got nowhere.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, let's just say when Vanessa
went out with me, she was a freshman.

Now she's ready for graduation.

All right! Whoo.

They need to fix those showers.

Nothing comes
out but cold water.

Lyle, you better get in there;
you could use a cold shower.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Lyle is
just overheated.

Lyle, what did you
tell these guys?

About what?

You were talking about your
date with Vanessa, weren't you?

Yeah, all I said was
I had a good time.

Did he ever.

Lyle, tell them what happened.

Tell them that my Dad drove you
and Vanessa to the movie theatre,

and when the movie ended,
drove you straight home.

Of course, who knows what
Vanessa's like in a movie theatre

when her dad's not around.

Lyle, straighten these guys
out. Tell them nothing happened.

Theo, what goes on between
me and your sister is our business.

He's right, Theo; you have
to respect the man's privacy.

I don't have to tell you about that date
or any other date I have with Vanessa.

Ooh!

That's because there's not going to be
another date with Vanessa, understand?

Sorry, I'm taking her to
the library after school.

What for?

Sounds like there's
nothing left for her to study.

You guys are slime.

You need to be put away.

You know, I'm sick and
tired of seeing your faces.

Ah.

What got into him?

Abracadabra, hocus pocus,

make this water go out of focus.

Well, Rudy, look at that.

It seems that your father
has spilled some water.

What? I see that.

Uh, well...

Well, how do you
suppose that happened?

Maybe he tried to drink
it and missed his mouth.

No, you all make so much noise,
sounding like a bunch of horses

coming down the
stairs, you frightened me.

Daddy, you were trying
to do my trick, weren't you?

No.

Yes, you were.

The trick can only be
done by the great Rudini.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, Cliff, do you have
to know everything?

Can't there be some things
in life you just experience

without knowing how they happen?

Look, this particular
thing I want to know.

No.

Okay, just telling you things are
going to get a little messy around here,

'cause I'm going to keep attempting
that until I find out how it works.

And I just may attempt it over
somebody's open attaché case.

Mom, Dad, we got to talk.

Okay.

What's up?

I think you made a big mistake letting
Vanessa go out with Lyle Thompson.

He chases women.

Really?

Yes.

Now, I know I've always
presented Lyle to be a good guy,

but I never told you what
he tells us in the locker room

about the women
after he catches them.

What does he say?

You know.

I know?

You see, Lyle has had
these... experiences.

What kind of experiences?

The kind you don't want to
talk about in front of your mother.

Oh.

Come on, boy, would you
say what you have to say?

Okay. Mom, Dad, Lyle Thompson's
going to lead your daughter

down the road to degradation.

Little Lyle?

The boy who cried
when his Mom was late

picking him up from
your birthday party?

Mom, that was eight
years ago. He's a man now.

The guy knows what he's doing.

He even joined the Latin club.

And that makes him a man?

Don't you see, Dad? The
Latin club is mostly girls.

That's why he joined.

He's always on the prowl, and now
he's prowling after your daughter.

So we shouldn't let Vanessa
go out with him anymore?

Well, not if you're
worried about the

reputation of your daughter
and the family name.

If you let Vanessa go out with Lyle,
they could hurt both of you professionally.

Well, thank you very much,
son, for your viewpoint,

uh, but I want you to know we raised
two older daughters prior to this one.

So you aren't going to stop
Vanessa from going out with Lyle?

No, we know our daughters.

We trust them to
do the right thing.

Okay.

I just have one thing to say.

This is a sad day for
the Huxtable family.

Cliff? Mm?

What do you guys talk
about in the locker room?

Well, the... the
usual thing, dear.

Um, recipes...

different kinds of
hair spray, nail polish.

You used to talk about women
in the locker room, didn't you?

- Mm-hmm.
- After a date, what did you say?

I told them...

she's intelligent,
she's beautiful,

she's sensitive,
and she's my equal.

And if Clair ever
finds out, she'll kill me.

I think I should change.

Why?

Well, it's a nice outfit, but it
doesn't go with my green notebook.

Well, then use your
English notebook, it's red.

I don't have any
English homework.

Then just tear the pages
out of your green notebook

and put them in
the red notebook.

That's a great idea!

Janet, I am so
glad you came over.

My pleasure.

So tell me, what happened when
you and Lyle got to the movies?

Well, Dad let us
out at the theatre.

We went in and Lyle
bought the tickets.

Now, naturally, I offered
to pay for my ticket,

but he said, "That's okay,
you can buy the popcorn."

I hope you bought a large
tub so you could share.

Of course.

Lyle was such a gentleman.

He put my seat down for
me, and there was popcorn in it

and he brushed it off.

The lights went out
and the movie started.

We watched for a while.

And then, it happened.

What happened?

We both reached
into the popcorn box

at the same time!

And our hands touched. Oh!

We just sat there watching
the rest of the movie

with our hands in
the popcorn box.

Wow... that is so romantic.

Then Dad drove us home.

Now, Lyle and I
sat in the back seat

and Dad kept watching us
through the rear view mirror.

Hey, Theo. Hey, Janet.

Uh, Vanessa, remember
yesterday when I came in here

and tried to forbid
you to see Lyle?

Yes.

Well, I was wrong
and I apologize.

Apology accepted.

But I want you
to know one thing.

Your name is being
dragged through the mud.

By whom?

Well, everybody at school
knows you two went out.

And you know how guys talk.

Vanessa, do you realize what
this is doing to your reputation,

not to mention mine?

What does this have to
do with your reputation?

Well, if guys start talking
about you and Lyle,

it's going to reflect on me
because I'm your brother.

I might as well be dating Lyle.

Oh, so it's not me you're worried
about, it's yourself you're worried about.

Hey, Vanessa, I'm a
popular guy at that school.

I'm a senior.

I don't want to go
down in flames with you.

Well, in that case,
I'd better tell you what

Lyle and I are going
to do this afternoon.

What?

We're not really
going to the library.

We're going to a motel.

And after today, I'm going to dump
Lyle and start dating all your friends.

And after she's done,
I'm going to date them.

You guys think this
is real funny, huh?

Yes. Yes.

All right, Vanessa.

You know, I've tried to appeal
to your sense of decency,

but you scoffed at me.

Now I really forbid you.

Did you hear him?

"You scoffed at me."

Theo, you're starting to
sound like an old person.

I don't care.

But if you want to go out on this
date with Lyle, you have to get past me.

Please, Theo, will
you get out of here?

No, Vanessa, I'm serious.

Come on, Theo, move!

Vanessa, don't even try it.
You're not getting past me.

Theo, I don't be... Move!

Vanessa, no, you
can't go on this... Ow!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Stop it!

Dad... Dad, get them
off me before I hurt them.

Stop it!

Dad, let me tell
you what's going on.

I don't want to know.

But, Dad, you're our father.

You're supposed to
jump in the middle of this,

ask us what's wrong
and solve our problem.

Yeah, well, it doesn't
work that way today, okay?

I'm tired. Goodbye.

All right, I'm leaving.

But I want you to know one thing, next
time I'm not going to be so easy on you.

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, it's you.

Well, I guess you're not going to invite
me in, so would you tell Vanessa I'm here?

You might as well come in;
everything else went wrong today.

Vanessa, your, uh, date is here.

I'll be right down.

And don't try
anything with Vanessa.

She's tough.

Why would I want
to try anything?

I really like your sister.

Hey, I heard you guys
laughing in the locker room today.

You must have said
something about her.

I did, but I didn't say anything
different from what I usually say.

I know what you usually say,

and if you said that about
my sister, then you are lying.

Theo, what was I supposed to do?

If I had come into that locker
room and told the guys the truth

about my date with Vanessa,
that I opened the door for her,

that we only held hands in the movie,
that I didn't even kiss her goodnight,

they would have
called me a wimp.

But that was my sister
you were talking about.

Yeah, I know.

But what if it
wasn't your sister?

And I told you the true story about
some other girl, what would you say?

I'd say you were a wimp.

Theo, you talk
about girls a lot, too.

Don't you ever
bend the truth a little?

No, man. I stand behind
everything I've ever said.

What about that story you
told about Lana Herman,

when you said you were in your
bedroom with her the whole day?

Absolutely true.

And you said the reason
you were feeling so weak

is because of what
happened in that bedroom.

You know, Theo, I
never told you this before,

but I ran into Lana Herman
the next day in school.

You did?

Yeah, and she happened to mention
that she was keeping you company

because you had the flu.

She also said your mom
was in there the whole time

and that the two of them fed you soup and
helped you put together a jigsaw puzzle.

So? I didn't lie.

I said I was weak from
being in my room all day.

Theo, let's face
it. You are a wimp.

I know. But you are too.

Hi, Lyle.

Hi, Lyle.

Hey, Janet. Hi, Vanessa.

These are for you.

Oh, well, thank you.

They're beautiful!

Uh, would you put
this in water for me?

Oh, sure. Thank you.

Well, I guess we should go.

Yeah, I guess so. I'm ready.

Bye, Janet. Bye, Theo.

Bye.

See you all later.

You know, Theo, now that one of
your friends is going out with Vanessa,

maybe you'd be interested in going
out with one of Vanessa's friends.

She's about my size

with the same
color eyes as mine.

You know, Janet, I would, but I'm afraid of
what you girls would say behind my back.

We wouldn't say anything
that you guys wouldn't say.

Then we're never going out.

How's that ice cream?

Good. Chocolate's my favorite.

Yes, indeed. Would
you like some more?

Some more hot chocolate on top?

No, thanks. Okay.

What about some chopped nuts?

Mm, just a sprinkle.

Chopped nuts coming up.

Just a sprinkle of some
good ole chopped nuts.

Thank you. All right.

You know, I was really amazed at
how you were doing all that magic.

But, you know, I think that

a magician is only as
good as his or her assistant.

Is that so? Oh, yes.

Now, I have nothing
against Mommina,

but what you need is someone
who can give you that flare,

that, you know, ta-da!

Someone who can divert the audience's
attention so that you can do your thing.

Who do you know
that can do that?

Mom told me that you
wanted to be my assistant.

- Really?
- She said it's all right.

Well, good.

In order to make
this a crack duo,

I will have to know
how the trick works

with the glass and the milk.

I don't do that trick anymore.

Oh.

I'm learning a new trick,
but you can help me with it.

Okay. What is it?

Sawing my assistant in half.

No, no, you're not
sawing me in half.

I'm not going for that.

Okay, then you'll help me with
the disappearing caterpillars.

Disappearing caterpillars?
How's that work?

First, my assistant has to
take the caterpillars out of this.

Okay, so we got the
caterpillars here, right?

So then, I just... Yep.

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