The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 23 - Bald and Beautiful - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

[television blares]

Who's watching television?!

Who's watching television?

[station changes]

[Man] Once the
chest wall is open,

the heart is in full view.

As you can see,
the aorta and atrium

are connected to the
heart-lung machine with tubes.



After the heart
has been stopped,

it is packed in ice,

and the heart-lung machine
takes over the circulation.

Do you have to watch this?

The surgeon finds
the coronary arteries,

which need to be bypassed
with new blood vessels,

as you can see in the following.

Cliff.

I'm a doctor, dear.

Yeah, but can you
watch this another time?

I have something to tell you.

What?

- Now, I'll give you a hint.
- Go ahead.

It's your oldest
friend from the Navy



and you are his
daughter's godfather.

Scott Kelly.

Give me the phone number.

Oh, you don't have to call
him. He's on his way here.

He's coming here?

Yes, he and Jill are coming to
New York for a couple of days.

I get to see
Scottster and Jillster.

And they want to take us out to
dinner tonight to the Golden Palm.

Mucho dinero.

Ooh, I'm looking forward to this.
Me and my man. We will get...

- Now look...
- Huh?

Jill and I are not going to
be embarrassed this evening.

But dear, you will be...

Don't "but, dear" me.

When the two of you get
together, you act so silly.

Naboo, naboo.

When the two of us get together,
we are just clever and witty.

No. Hmm?

You're a couple of goofballs.

You married us.

[television turns on]

[Man] The heart is then restarted,
and taken off the heart-lung machine.

The entire operation
takes [doorbell rings]

approximately two and
a half to three hours.

[television turns off]

Hi, Walter. How are you?

Hey, Dr. Huxtable.
Is, uh, Theo in?

Theo's upstairs doing
his homework, I think.

Ho!

Where do you think you're going?

Well, normally I wouldn't interrupt
him. But, see, this can't wait.

It can't. What is it?

I have a career opportunity that's going
to make me and Theo rich and famous.

Is this career
opportunity legal?

Yes.

Will this career opportunity

cause any trauma to
anyone's face or lips?

No.

Will I have to dip into
my pocket to support this?

Not a penny.

Then go ahead, my boy, and
seek him and find him quickly.

Thanks.

Theo, close your book
and open your mind.

I have seen the future,
and we are famous.

What?

How would you like to be in the next
rock video the Mannequins are doing?

Are you kidding? The
Mannequins are my favorite group.

Then you're gonna love this.

I was hanging out in the
lobby of the Brill building.

You know, where all the showbiz
and music people have their offices.

- Yeah.
- And I ran into this guy

who's an assistant
to Bertha Barrington.

Now she's the hottest casting
director in the video business.

- She is?
- And the assistant told me

they are looking for 12 high
school guys to be in their next video.

They don't have to have any
experience or special talent.

That's us.

And there are only
two requirements.

One, you have to
be good looking.

Well, hey, that's us, too.

And two, you got
to shave your head.

You mean bald?

I mean bald.

They don't want any hair at all.

Well, Cockroach, I'm
not sure I want to do that.

I kind of like my hair.

The job pays $100.

$100?

Not to mention all the gorgeous women that
will be down there hanging out on the set.

Well, it would be kind of
fun to be in a rock video.

And our hair would grow back.

Of course. But we might look
so good, the girls might not let us.

So what do you say?

Do we do it?

Maybe I should talk to
my parents about this one.

Hey, aren't parents always
saying, "Get a job, get a haircut?"

We'll be doing both.

Okay, I'll do it if you do it.

Good. Meet me tonight at
8:00 at the Tornado Club.

That's where
they'll be doing it.

Well, I'll be there.

With no hair. [laughs]

Now listen, you have to go. I
have to finish doing this studying.

You're studying on Saturday?

Well, yeah. Lana's coming
over in an hour to do homework.

I like to go over
the material first so I

can impress her with
how much I already know.

That's pretty smart. You know, I never
thought of doing that with a woman.

And it helps you
get good grades too.

I'd just settle for
impressing a woman.

I'll see you later. All right.

Hi.

Hi.

Did I get any calls?

- Yes.
- Who?

Some boy.

What boy?

I forgot.

Didn't you write it down?

- No.
- Well, why not?

Because I was going to remember.

Rudy, you shouldn't do this.
You know my calls are important.

I'm sorry.

Well, do you at least
remember what the boy wanted?

He wanted to ask
you to some dance.

The eighth grade dance?

Yeah, that's it.
See, I remember.

What else do you remember?

Uh...

Okay, okay, okay. Let's
take this nice and slow.

The phone rang and you picked it up.
You said, "Hello, Huxtable residence."

And he said, "Is Vanessa there?"

And you said, "No, but
may I take a message?"

- Am I right so far?
- Yes.

Okay, then he said, "I'd like to ask
Vanessa to the eighth grade dance.

My name is..."

I have no idea.

Come on Rudy, the eighth grade dance
is the most important dance of the year.

You got to remember
the boy's name.

Was it John, Teddy,
Eddie, Lyle, Bob?

That's it. Bob.

Great, I know a Bob.

Wait a minute. It
sounded like Bob.

Rob?

Yeah, that's it, Rob.

Great, I like Rob.

Or was it Todd?

I know three Todds.

Oh, this is terrible.

Somewhere out there,
romance is just waiting for me

and I don't know its name.

Hi.

[Both] Hi.

Mommy, there was a
phone call for you and Daddy.

Oh, yeah, who was it?

It was Mr. Scott Kelly.
He said he and his wife

Jill are staying at the
Madison Plaza Hotel.

Oh, thanks.

They'll meet you at the
Golden Palm Restaurant at 6:30.

He said, "Be
there, or be square."

[chuckles] That's
very good, Rudy.

Anytime, Mom.

♪♪ [piano]

Excuse me.

Yes?

We're with Mr. Kelly's party.

Oh, are you the Huxtables?

Yes.

I have a message
for you from Mr. Kelly.

His plane arrived late.

He and his wife are very tired and regret
they will not be joining you this evening.

You're kidding.

I never kid, sir.

What time was it he
called and said that?

I told him as soon as your car pulled
up so you could be horribly embarrassed.

How did you do that?

I pull a little
string in his back.

You.

I just want to say this
was all Scott's idea.

I told him not to do this.

Clair, I'm sorry. I
just couldn't resist.

That's all right.

You look wonderful.

Sir, I would just like a
table for my wife and me.

Party of two because we
don't want to sit with this man.

He's supposed to be clever
and witty, yet he's just dumb.

Uh, yeah, well, smart
enough to fool you.

Clair, why don't you and
I go to another restaurant.

Why? They'd only find us.

Your table is ready,
sir. Thank you.

Clair, it is so good to see you.

It's been a long time.

Well, how's everything?

Let's get the important
stuff out of the way.

How are the children?

Oh, well, everybody's getting
straight As down the board.

That's very good.

Ours get all A pluses.

Rudy, how old is Rudy
now, dear? Seven.

Yes, well she's just been
accepted to med school,

and by the time she's 11,
she'll be a practicing physician,

unless she wants to
specialize, you see.

Well, you must be
very proud of her.

- I am.
- I feel the same way about Tammy.

She just won the
Nobel Prize, you know.

[chuckles]

For her doctoral dissertation on
how she spent her summer vacation.

- Don't they give that out in Sweden?
- Yes, they do.

Vanessa was just named
the ambassador to Sweden.

Okay, name two achievements
of Charlemagne during his reign.

Charlemagne ordered that all nations
under his domain be committed to writing,

and he began a grammar of
his native language, Frankish.

How did you know that?

Well, learning fascinates me.

I have a real thirst
for knowledge.

Well, I'm glad I have
you to study with.

Come on, let's keep going.

Uh, Lana, do you think we
can knock off a little early?

Oh, sure.

Good, 'cause I have
something I need to ask you.

What?

Okay, you and I have a
really good relationship.

Mm-hmm.

Would it change at
all if I shaved my head?

What?

Well, I'm not talking
about keeping it shaved.

I would shave it once
and let it grow back.

But why would
you want to do that?

So I could be in a rock
video with the Mannequins.

Wait, you mean that group
from England with no hair?

- Yeah.
- They're so weird.

Yeah, but their
videos look great.

And I can be in one
if I shave my head.

But, Theo, you
have beautiful hair.

It was one of the first things
that I noticed about you.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, it'll grow back.

But you don't know what your
head looks like underneath there.

It looks like a regular head.

Come over here.

Okay.

You have a dent here.

I do?

Yeah, and you have
a bump right next to it.

Well, I knew about the bump.

Well, it's going to look
even bigger next to the dent.

Well, maybe shaving my
head isn't such a good idea.

Well, it's up to you.

Yeah, but I promised
Cockroach we'd do this together.

This video means a lot to us.

You understand, don't you?

Sure.

Well, would you still
go out with me if I did it?

Of course I'd go out with you.

Probably.

Well, I guess I better
go up and do it now.

I have to meet Cockroach at
the Tornado Club in an hour.

You want to come up
and watch me shave?

No, no. I'll stay right here.

Okay, well, this is it.

Well, good luck.

Here I go.

Okay.

I'm really gonna do it, Lana.

All right.

Bye.

Bye.

See ya.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hi, Cockroach. Where's Theo?

He's upstairs shaving his head.

Excuse me.

Theo!

Theo!

Theo! [Theo] In here.

Don't do it, don't
do it. Stop! Stop!

What?

Don't shave your head.

- We're not in the video.
- What?

I've been trying to call you for an
hour, but your phone's been busy all day.

Well, it's Vanessa. She's been on
the phone all day. What's wrong?

Oh man, I'm beat.

I ran all the way over here.

Let's go sit down.
This is really terrible.

What happened?

You're not going to believe it.

I went down early to hang out on the
set, and I couldn't even get on the set.

You're kidding.

There were 200 guys there already
and every one of them had a shaved head.

Whoa.

They took the first 12 and
sent the rest of us home.

I went up to the assistants and I
said, "Hey, you told me I was in."

And he just looked at me and
gave me $50 for showing up.

50 bucks! Man, that's great.

Yeah, but look at this.

[laughing]

Do I really look that bad?

You sure?

Hey, Cockroach, girls are gonna
love it when they see you like that.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't know why I got so
freaked about it anyway.

What are you doing?

Cockroach?

[laughing]

All right, dinner!

Yes, yes, yes. So elegant.

Ah, boy.

One, two, three.

Voila.

This is it. Ooh la la.

Uh, sir.

I think there's
been a little mistake.

I ordered the salmon.

But I have you
down for the trout.

Well, but you have
me down wrong.

You did this to me didn't you?

No, I didn't. [chuckles]

If you would like to order
salmon instead of trout...

I'd like to order salmon.
I did, as a matter of fact.

Very well, sir. I'll
get you salmon.

Honey, I'm proud of
you. You stayed calm.

Yes, what is the
matter with you?

Nothing. I'm always calm.

- Really?
- No, Cliff, it's true.

Scott really has learned
to control his temper.

He had to.

Well, how'd you do that?

It was easy; I
had a heart attack.

When did this happen?

Six months ago.

I finally saw the guys.

They'd come to get me.

Who?

The Four Horsemen.

[chuckles]

Come over the hill about
sundown right to my door.

Said, "Saddle up, buckaroo.
You're ridin' with us."

I said, "Where we're
going, is it hot or is it cold?"

They said, "Dress light."

[chuckles]

I said, "Come back and
get me another time."

So, they gave me
the zipper instead.

It was about two
weeks in the hospital.

Are you kidding?

Quadruple bypass.

You know, I just saw that on
television. You should have told me.

I could have done
it for you half price.

[all laugh]

[television blares]

[television turns off]

Okay, make yourself at home.

I thought I was at home
until you turned the noise off.

[Theo] Vanessa,
turn that back on!

Vanessa!

Oh, you're back.

Yeah. Son, you remember
Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Yes. Hi. How you doing?

Theo, you got big.

Uh, we could hear the noise
all the way out in the street.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. But you see, Cockroach
and I are in the kitchen eating pizza.

I wanted to listen to the stereo,
and he wanted to hear the television.

Did you understand
what my son just said?

- Perfectly.
- Really?

Yeah. Well, you have
a rule against pizza in

the living room like
everybody else don't you?

Right.

So to eat pizza in the
house at all, you have

to turn the volume way
up on the living room TV.

I thought you knew this.

You're as bad as they are.

Theo, I put the
leftover pizza in...

How are you, Walter?

Fine.

Good.

Well, aren't you going to say
something about my head?

What is there to say?
It's already out there.

Walter, these are our good
friends, Mr. and Mrs. Kelly.

Hi, Walter. Hello.

Hello.

And why did you do that?

[sighs] To get into
show business.

Was this the career opportunity
you were talking about?

Yes, and it didn't work.

[laughs]

Excuse us. We're
gonna go upstairs.

I promised Cockroach we
would go through my hats.

Get a big one.

[chuckling]

Jill, let's go get some tea.

I think that's a good idea.

No, allow us, allow
us. Sit back down.

Yes. Yes.

We're going to give
you our special brew.

What is this special brew?

Well, it's whatever you
have in the little bags

with strings on them
that always fall in the cup

when you try to
pour the hot water.

[chuckles] It's good to see
Scotty back to his old self.

Well, I hadn't noticed
any change in him.

Oh, you should have seen him
when he came home from the hospital.

He sat on the couch
holding his Cocker Spaniel,

and all he could say
to me was, "Yes, dear.

"I know, dear. I'll try, dear.

You're right. dear."

Oh, well, Cliff
does that already.

Oh, yeah? [giggles]

Well, finally, after a
month of this, I told Scotty,

"Honey, you have
got to knock this off.

You are boring, dull, and
you are depressing me."

- You didn't.
- The whole thing was very scary.

Not that he just could have
died, but... I was so unprepared.

Well, who is ever prepared
for something like that?

No, Clair, I'm talking
about something else.

I didn't know anything.

You see, Scotty
managed all our finances.

I didn't know where he
kept the insurance policies,

the bank statements,
the deed to the house.

Well, Jill, if you ever need
legal advice, I'm here for you.

Oh, thank you.

But I'm okay. I really am.

You see, I've learned
in a very short time

that I am a pretty
good financial manager.

And, you see, Scotty and
I, we have an agreement.

I promise to pay the bills and
handle the insurance policies,

and he promises never to
have a heart attack again.

And I think that's good.

That's good. [chuckles]

So, Denise still
doesn't have a major.

I said, "All right, dear. You
just go to your final year.

I hope you have
a major by then."

My beloved son Mark just transferred
to the fourth college of his choice.

I believe he's majoring in
interstate transportation.

I use to threaten his
life on a regular basis.

And then after the zipper, I
perceived that was a threat to my own.

Now I don't care
about this anymore.

I just throw him out of the
house on a regular basis.

I don't want the zipper.

So how do you
keep from getting it?

When something really gets you steamed,
you have to wait until you can hear this.

Then you know that my four
friends are riding right beside you.

And you let it all out.

And no zipper.

Of course, you have to
do a few other things too.

You know, you, uh,
you have to exercise.

Yeah, well I do that.

And you gotta
eat the right stuff.

Yeah, you know, Clair's
always on me about that stuff.

Jill's on me too. I
got to eat carrot sticks

and celery sticks
and broccoli clumps.

You eat that stuff?

When she's around.

Get the skim milk out of
the refrigerator, will you?

Yes, sir.

- Hey.
- Huh?

There's pizza in here.

With pepperoni and anchovies

and extra cheese and everything.

Is broccoli on it?

No.

Good.

[laughs]

You know what would go
absolutely great with this right now?

Potato chips.

You mean to tell me that
Clair lets you eat potato chips?

Lets me eat potato chips?

Shoot, I'm a man.
I eat what I want.

[laughs]

That is outstanding. Dump
those right on top of the pizza.

There you go.

Yeah, that's it.

Now.

[both chuckle]

- We need something to wash this down with.
- Yes.

Uh, we've got some
distilled water. [laughs]

- We do not want that.
- What do you want?

Well... Beer.

- You know... Certainly.
- Beer. I'll get you a beer.

Now what did the four
horsemen say about the beer?

Well, I can't hear them. I'm
just not listening right now,

and that's it for them.

But I'm not going to eat any of this
stuff, I don't care what you do to me.

You know, people
drink this stuff and, uh...

Now, what should we do?

Oh, I say we ignore them.
They are beyond hope.

I say you're right, and I say we should
take our tea and go into the living room.

You mean to tell me that you really
let your children eat this kind of...

That's exactly what
I was telling you.

This is the way they eat
it. This is the way they do it.

That's terrible.

You touch that pizza
and you're dead.

Well, one little piece of
pizza isn't going to, uh...

I'll kill you.

Okay, come on. [groans]

Goodbye, guys.

And Cliff? Yes, dear?

When you're done, you
know those potato chips

that you have hidden
underneath the table?

You can stick 'em
back up in the chimney.

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.

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