The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 22 - Andalusian Flu - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

[clears throat]

[sneezes]

[sneezes]

[groans]

Honey, what's the matter?

I have what you have.

The Andalusian flu?

Every fiber of my body.



Oh, no. Cliff, you
cannot be sick. You can't.

You can't! I can't?

No. I'm not over my flu yet.

A-ha.

Just give me another half
a day and I'll be all better,

and you can be a
sick as you want.

[chuckles] No, no,
I'm sorry. My teeth hurt.

I'm hot, I'm cold... This is it.

It gets worse.

Why did you give this to me?

I didn't mean to give it to you.

I caught it from
one of the children,

who probably caught it from one of those
little sickly, snotty-nosed kids at school.

You know, we ought to track
that kid down and shake him.



Yeah.

Then we should go over,
find out where his parents live,

and sneeze on them.

And if they have a dog,
we'll sneeze on the dog.

Hey, Dad, I found...
What's wrong?

Your father's sick. He
has the Andalusian flu.

Whoa! Well, Dad, you can
kiss the next 36 hours good-bye.

But don't worry about anything.
I'll take care of both of you.

You will? Sure!

You took care of all of us
last week when we had it,

so let me do the same for you.

That's very nice of you, Theo,
but there are a lot of things

to take care of in this house.

Maybe I should call my
mother and father to come over.

Oh, no, Cliff. You can't
call them. Then they'll get it.

You don't have to call
Grandma or Grandpa.

I can take care of everything.

You're gonna watch
Vanessa and Rudy?

- Sure!
- So who's gonna watch you?

Dad, I'm 16 years
old. I can handle it.

Give me a chance.

- Okay.
- You're in charge.

[laughing] All right!

Wait a minute. Theo,
didn't you tell me

you're taking Lana
Herman to the movies?

Oh, yeah. Well, I'll just call
her and tell her we can't go,

since you're not feeling well.

Listen, if you need
anything, just let me know.

He's giving up going
out with Lana Herman

to look after his parents?

What a lovely boy.

You know, Cliff, there is
a positive side to all this.

What's that?

Well, you and I get to
spend the day together in bed.

[messy sneezing]

Maybe. [blows nose]

Rudy, if Janet calls, tell
her I'm on my way, okay?

- Okay.
- Hey, Vanessa, where are you goin'?

Over to Janet's. You can't.

- Why not?
- Dad came down with the flu.

- He's sick in bed with Mom.
- Oh, no.

I'm going up there.
They need me.

Rudy, don't. You
shouldn't bug them.

But I want to make
sure they're all right.

Well, they're fine.
They just need their rest.

And they're probably going to
be in bed for a couple of days.

A couple of days? Yeah.

Who's going to make
dinner? We'll make it.

- Who's going to tell me when to go to bed?
- Theo and I will.

Who's going to pay the bills?

Rudy, calm down. Mom and
Dad have been sick before.

But never at the same time.

I know. We'll just have to pull
together and run the house ourselves.

All right! Pizza every night.

Vanessa, see, right off,
that's the wrong attitude.

We've gotta be more responsible,
which means we've gotta eat

lots of vegetables and
other stuff we don't like.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

With a little teamwork, we can
get everything done smoothly.

What should we do first?

Well, first, you two make lunch.

Rudy, you empty the dishwasher;
Vanessa, you finish cleaning the kitchen;

and I'll put together
a work schedule.

Wait a minute. What?

What are you going to be doing
besides deciding a work schedule?

- Yeah.
- Oh, well I have lots to do.

I have to plan the meals and
decide what time we're gonna eat.

I have to figure out what
chores need to be done.

I'll be doing all the
stuff Mom and Dad do.

In fact, I'm doing
the job of two adults.

So I would really appreciate
some support from both of you.

- All right, I'm with ya.
- Me too.

Okay, now I know we can
do it. So let's get to work.

Go, team, go team, go team.

Let's go, team. Let's go, team.

Cliff, I'm thirsty.

So am I.

Well, who's gonna
get us some water?

You.

I can't get the water, I'm sick.

So am I. So am I. So am I.

Theo said if we needed
anything, we could call him.

Clair, call him.

Honey, I can't call
him. My head hurts.

My head hurts too, dear.

Okay. Let's call him together.

Okay. On the count of three.

One. Two. Three.

[both, softly] Theo.

[softly] Theo.

I'm yelled out.

Cliff, do you think any of them
will ever come up and check on us?

Don't think so, dear.
I think they have us

right where they want us now.

Well, then how are we
gonna get the water?

I'll go get it.

Dear, I'm gonna need
some help, please.

Okay. All right. [grunting]

There you go.

Okay.

- Cliff?
- Hmm?

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'll just take a
little nap down here.

Vanessa? What?

There's more table under
those magazines, you know?

Yeah, but nobody sees
that part of the table.

Well, I will if I pick
up a magazine.

Then don't pick them up.

Vanessa, you wouldn't be this sloppy
if Mom and Dad were down here, right?

All right, all right, all right.

Good. Now, as soon as
you're finished with that,

you can get started on this.

And be sure to
separate the whites.

Wait, I thought I was
finished after I did the dusting.

You thought wrong.

Theo, I told Janet I
was gonna come over.

Look, Vanessa, when you're sick,

do Mom and Dad just take off
and go to their girlfriend's house?

- No.
- Well, then we should be

showing them the
same consideration.

And that's gonna take
teamwork and sacrifice.

You see, Vanessa, a chain is
only as strong as its weakest link.

Don't be that weak link.

Yeah, don't give me that.

Okay, Vanessa. It's obvious that
you don't want to pitch in and help

for Mom and Dad's sake.

All right. I'll do the laundry.

[chuckles] And here's
a grocery list, too.

I have to go to the store,
too? What are you gonna do?

Plenty. Not only do I have sit
here and finish your dusting,

but I have to organize
the rest of the house.

All right. I guess I could
go to the grocery store.

Oh, and also, you could bring home
a dozen carnations for Mom and Dad.

It'll make them feel better.

You probably want
me to grow them, too.

You know, Vanessa, I
don't need the sarcasm.

I'm being nice to you.

Can't you at least be
nice to your big brother?

I'll try.

[sighs] Hi, Rudy.
How's it going.

- I'm almost finished.
- Good.

Here. Be sure to
separate the whites.

I can't do laundry. Why not?

I'm not allowed to use
the washing machine.

Oh, right. Well, you could still
take this down to the basement

and separate the clothes,
because I have to go to the store.

Okay.

Oh, and when you're finished, be
sure to do the floors in the living room.

That's your job.

Rudy, when you were sick last week,
Mom and Dad took care of you, right?

Yes.

Well, it's time to
return the favor.

But that's gonna mean
teamwork and sacrifice.

A chain is only as
strong as its weakest link.

Don't be that weak link.

Do you understand? I understand.

You want me to do your work.

Rudy, I don't need the sarcasm.

I'm sorry.

[doorbell ringing]

- Hey, Mr. Lucas. How are you doing?
- Hi, Theo.

I'd like you to meet
my new assistant.

Hi. Warren L. Davis.
How are you doin'?

I just hired Mr. Davis. Your
father recommended him.

Really? Yeah.

I used to work at the
hospital, but they laid me off.

I gave them 20 years of my
life, they gave me the boot.

- Sorry to hear about that.
- Oh, don't be.

Workin' for Mr. Lucas is one of
the best things ever happened to me.

Well, hirin' Mr. Davis is one
of the best things I ever did.

He's good. Thank ya.

You're welcome.

Of course, now, when
it comes to fixin' things,

Mr. Lucas is a genius.

Thank you. You're welcome.

So what are you here to fix?

The banister. Your dad
called me about it last week.

Well, yeah, it is loose.

Well, it won't be after
Mr. Davis finishes with it.

- He's one of my best workers.
- Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

I'll tell Mom and
Dad you're here.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Uh, Davis, I'm gonna leave you
on your own. Can you handle it?

Oh, sure. Good.

This is a nice house.

Yes, it is.

[knocking]

Come in.

Mom.

What's Dad doing on the floor?

He went to get us some
water, but didn't make it.

How come you didn't call me?

We were too weak.

Okay, I'll get you some water.
Let me get Dad back in bed.

Dad? Mm?

Come on. Let me
get you back in bed.

Who are you?

Theo. Theo.

It's the fever, son. He has 102.

Wssh! He must be
in bad shape. [groans]

Come on, Cliff. Get
under the covers.

Who's she?

Your wife.

- She is?
- Yeah.

She's nice.

I'll get the water.

No, no. Don't look
at me. I'm sick.

Well, could you at least
give me your phone number?

[laughing]

Here you go, Mom.
Thank you, son.

Here's your water, Dad.

- Water?
- Yeah.

What for?

For you to drink.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm thirsty.

Drink, Dad.

Now, Dad, I don't want
you getting out of bed, okay?

Yes, Theo.

Now, keep the covers
on you at all times.

Yes, Theo. I'm
gonna go downstairs.

I'm gonna get a whistle.
I'll bring it up here,

and whenever you need
me, you just blow on it.

- Yes, Theo.
- And Mom, Mr. Lucas and his assistant

are here to fix the
banister... Is that okay?

Yeah, that's fine, fine.

I'll be right back. Yes, Theo.

Lovely boy.

Yes, he is.

Wish I had a son like that.

You do. Really?

What's his name? Theo.

Oh. Same name as
the boy that just left here.

Cliff, go to sleep.

[hammer banging]

Come in. No, that...

That's downstairs, honey. That
must be the work on the banister.

Well, make him stop.

I'll get Theo.

[whistling weakly]

More air.

[shrill whistle]

[whimpering]

I'm sorry. He probably can't
hear, because of the hammering.

Cliff, you go downstairs
and tell that man to stop.

I can't go, dear. I
can't go. You go.

Oh, honey, I-I really
can't go. I'm not decent.

I'm in my pajamas. I don't want the workman
to see me in my pajamas. Come on, honey.

Oh, Clair, you really don't
look that good anyway.

Excuse me? Okay,
okay. I'm going.

[banging]

[banging continues]

Oh, hey there, Dr. Huxtable.

Where's my banister?

Oh, it's all over the place.

I had to take it out.

Do you have to hammer?

I don't have to, but
I wouldn't feel right

if I got paid for
just standin' here.

Mrs. Huxtable and I
are very sick people.

Well, what's wrong with you?

- Andalusian flu.
- That's bad.

Your head feels like it's been
smashed between two semi trucks.

Then you get this shootin'
pain between your eyes,

just like a woodpecker
been tappin' away on you.

You've had it. Oh, no
sir. I never get anything.

You don't? No.

'Cause as soon as I
feel somethin' comin on,

I drinks me a pint of quinine
and a bottle of seltzer.

That'll wipe them
germs right out.

Dr. Huxtable?

Dr. Huxtable?

I think you better
go back to bed.

Yes.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Whoops!

Banister. Oh, well,
it's comin' right up.

Yes, thank you.

Ooh. Right up this way,
Dr. Huxtable. Mm-hmm.

Good. Time for lunch.

Want me to make you something?

Oh, no thank you, Rudy.
Mrs. Davis packed me a lunch.

Tuna fish on rye
with a slice of onion.

You know, onion is
good for your blood?

You remember that,
and you live a long time.

- Okay.
- I used to eat that sandwich

every day at the hospital,
but then they laid me off.

I was there 20 years,
and they gave me the boot.

[doorbell ringing]

Hi, Lana. Hi, Rudy.

This is Mr. Davis.

- Well, how do you do?
- Hi.

Well, excuse me. I'm going out
to the truck and have my lunch.

- Is Mr. Davis fixing the banister?
- Yes.

He got laid off from the hospital. He was
there 20 years, and they gave him a boot.

Oh.

Did you come to help us?

No, but do you
want me to help you?

Yes. Here. Do a good job.

I'll try.

Lana? What are you doing?

She's helping. Oh, it's
all right. I don't mind.

Lana, I mind. Rudy, you
don't ask a guest to clean.

Why are you doing the floors
anyway? That's Vanessa's job.

Vanessa told me to.

Where is she? In the kitchen.

Excuse me, Lana.
I'll be right back.

Rudy, come with me, please.

Vanessa, why was Rudy
doing the living room floors?

Because I had to go
to the grocery store.

Yeah, and she made
me do the laundry too.

Vanessa! I did not.

I just asked her to put
the clothes in the washer.

All you had to
do was turn it on.

- I had to do more than that!
- No, you didn't.

Yes I... Guys, guys, come on.

What's happening
to our teamwork here?

I doesn't matter who does what
job because we're all in this together.

Right. Rudy and I do all
the work, and you watch.

Yeah, Mr. Big Shot.

Okay, if that's the way
you guys feel about it,

I'll increase my
share of the work.

Good.

Oh, you got the flowers! Great!

I'll just give these
to Lana... Lana?

Well, yeah. I went
all the way to the store

to buy flowers
for your girlfriend?

Well, no, see. Half of these are for
Mom, and the other half are for Lana.

[laughs] She's gonna
love these. Thanks.

I don't believe this. He tricked me
into buying flowers for his girlfriend.

Yeah. And she's sitting
in the living room now.

This is amazing! I
can't go over to Janet's,

but he can bring his
girlfriend over here.

[sighs] I have had it with him.

Me too.

You want to know something else?

Have you noticed the way he
never lets us see Mom and Dad?

I bet he's telling them
that he's doing all the work,

and we're just goofing off.

That stinks.

I am tired of him
bossing us around.

Do you know what
Theo is? He's a dictator.

- Right.
- You know what you do with a dictator?

You overthrow him.

Let's throw him.

These flowers are so beautiful.

If I could, I'd give you
flowers like that every day.

That's so sweet.

You know, Theo?

I think it's really neat the way
you're taking care of your parents.

Well, I can't let them down. I
am the oldest in the house now.

That's so mature.

You know, I bet you'd
make a great dad.

Well, you know, it's
not really that hard.

You just have to be
good at organizing.

Hey, how's it going, team?

- Wait. What are you guys doing?
- You're overthrown.

We're not taking this
any longer. Hello, Lana.

Hi, Vanessa.

We've taken our last
order from you, Theo.

You're out, pal.

Excuse me, Lana. There must
be some kind of misunderstanding.

I'm gonna go into the kitchen
and talk to my sisters. Be right back.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Please, can we talk about
this somewhere else?

No, but I'll tell you who I am
gonna talk to: Mom and Dad.

I'm goin' up there right now and
tell them what you've been doing.

I'm telling too.

Don't! They're sick!
They need their rest.

They've gotta hear this. And
when they do, you're gonna get it.

Let's go. Wait a minute. Stop!

I command you to stop!

Now!

Lana, I've got it all under
control. I'll be right back.

[Theo] Don't go in there.
You're gonna wake them up!

[Vanessa] You just don't
want to get in trouble.

[Rudy] Yeah!

[Theo] Come on! Don't
go in there, please!

[all clamoring]

[blowing whistle]

[groans]

I'm sorry. Who are these people?

- Your children.
- Why are they making all the noise?

Now, one at a time:
what's the problem?

Theo's a dictator.

I am not! Yes, you are.

Mom, he's giving us all the work, while
he does nothing but order us around.

Mom, I'm just delegating
responsibilities,

like you and Dad do.

Look, I have a blister...

Rudy, get off the bed!
Mom and Dad are sick! Rudy.

[blowing whistle]

All right, that's it.

Starting from this moment,
henceforth, now and forevermore,

I declare myself well.

How can you do
that? I gotta do that,

or these people gonna
tear up my house.

Now, Theo, you and Vanessa

go down to the kitchen
and await further instruction.

And you with the face,
you come with me,

and I'm gonna fix your finger.

Things are gonna be
different now, buster.

Had a rough time
of it, huh, son?

Dad, I don't know
what went wrong.

I tried my best to
be a good leader.

I guess I just had
the wrong followers.

Come over here, son.

Have a sit-down.
I'll explain it to you.

Are you sure, Dad? You're
sick. You need your rest.

Come on over. What I
have to say is important.

A long time ago,
when I was a little boy,

my grandmother said to me:

"Chew your food 22 times a day."

Dad, maybe we should
talk about this a little bit later.

No. Talk about it now.

It's important to

brush your teeth before
you cross the street.

Okay, Dad.

And if you meet a stranger

with a candy bar, you tell him,

you'd rather have water.

Yeah, Dad.

Dad? What was I saying?

Where was I? You were...

You were saying that I should
get a sports car for my birthday.

Sports car? Yeah.

Every 3,000 miles,
you change the oil.

[laughing]

You know, maybe we should
put this sports car thing in writing.

Whatever you say. Okay, Dad.

Here, you just sign the bottom.

Just sign right here.
I'll fill in the rest.

Dad? Come on, Dad. Don't
fall asleep on me now, Dad!

Dad? Oh, Dad, come on.

Don't fall asleep on me. Huh?

What's the matter? Hey, Dad.

I... Theo! Oh, man.

I was having this
terrible, terrible dream

that I had a horrible son

who was tryin' to get me
to sign a piece of paper

so that he could
get a sports car.

You're kidding! No.

But I'm happy to see you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you for looking after me.

No problem, Dad.

Okay.

Dad?

Dad?

Whew!

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