The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 24 - Planning Parenthood - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

Kenny?

The girls will be ready
in just a few minutes.

Good, Mrs. Huxtable.

Why don't you have a seat.

No. If I sit down, my
suit will get wrinkled.

Will you be planning
to stand up all day?

No, just until Rudy sees me.

Oh, I see.



Okay. Well, let
me fix your tie here.

Oh, look!

Well, don't we look beautiful?

[Girls] Thank you.

And what about Kenny?

What about him?

Well, doesn't he look nice?

Yes.

Thank you. Now I can sit down.

Hey, we're all ready to go?

[Girls] Yes.

All right. Good.

Daddy, where are
you taking us for lunch?

I'm keeping it a secret,



but all I can tell you is,

you are going to
have one of the finest

culinary experiences

of your very short lives.

Okay?

Dr. Huxtable... Yes.

You look very handsome.

Well, thank you, Morgan.

- Do... Do you like desserts?
- Yes.

Then you get two.

[Kenny] Dr. Huxtable? Yes, sir.

You look very, very handsome.

Well, then you'll
get three desserts.

- Me, too.
- And you're going to get 12.

Daddy, you are the most
handsomest man in the world.

Oh, you're just saying that,
because you want 32 desserts.

No, I'm not.

You lie.

No, she's not. You're
looking pretty smooth.

[Girls] Ooh!

[both chuckling]

Have a nice time. All right.

- I'll see you later, handsome.
- Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are going to a
very, very fine restaurant

this afternoon.

And I want all of you to behave

like young ladies and gentleman.

That means we
will not act like...

heathens.

No heathens.

[Kids] No heathens.

And you will not
act like mad dogs

when the bread comes.

No mad dogs when
the bread comes.

[Kids] No mad dogs
when the bread comes.

Hit it. Hit it.

[Kids shouting] No heathens!

Now, wait, wait, wait! Now,
see, you're loud already.

[softly] No mad
dogs... No mad dogs...

Ow!

Ow!

Theo?

- Theo!
- Yeah?

What are you doing today?

Ha ha! You're looking at it.

You mean you're going to
eat and listen to music all day?

No, Vanessa, I'm gonna relax.

This is Saturday, the only
day I can really unwind.

Would you like to do
me a really big favor?

No.

Oh, come on, Theo.
You owe me a favor.

Remember that time when you wanted to
buy that yo-yo that lights up in the dark?

I was the one that
lent you that 75 cents.

That was three
years ago, Vanessa.

And I paid you back, remember?

Oh, right.

Well, haven't I done a
favor for you since then?

No.

Let me hear what it is anyway.

I want you to teach
me how to play tennis.

Vanessa, you hate tennis.

That's what I thought
until I met Edwin Slagel.

Oh, Edwin Slagel.
Is this the new guy?

Not a new guy, the guy.

See, I was behind him in
the lunch line yesterday,

and I overheard him say
that he liked to play tennis.

So I thought if I improved my
game, I could be his partner.

Vanessa, I've seen
your tennis game.

You can kiss Edwin
Slagel good-bye.

Theo!

That's why I need your help.

I mean, you're the best
tennis player I've ever seen.

You're so fast and coordinated.

And you look fabulous
in tennis shorts.

Are you trying to flatter me?

- Yes.
- Well, it worked.

Ha ha! All right!

I'll give you a few pointers.

And I wasn't kidding about how
good you look in tennis shorts.

- Thanks.
- One more thing.

Do you think you can make me
a good tennis player in one day?

Vanessa, when I finish
giving you tennis lessons,

you're going to be
Mrs. Edwin Slagel.

Good afternoon. Welcome
to Port-au-Prince Restaurant.

- Thank you.
- Do you have a reservation?

Uh, yes. Dr. Huxtable,
thank you.

Yes, your table will
be ready in a second.

All right.

Wow. This place is really fancy!

They have tablecloths.

I bet if you spill
something, they get mad.

I bet they throw you out.

- Dr. Huxtable?
- Yes, sir?

May I talk to alone, man-to-man?

- Yeah, okay.
- We'll be right back.

Step in my office here.

Uh, what can I do for you, son?

Well, I can see this place
looks like it costs a lot of money.

Yeah, but I got it covered.

Well, I wanted to know if I
could pay for me and Rudy.

You're kidding.

Yeah, my brother said,

"You should always pay
when you take out a date."

Well, how much money have you?

A dollar and three pennies.

All right. Give it to me.

- Not now!
- Oh.

Wait until the bill comes
so Rudy can see me.

She'll see you. Come on, sport.

What were you talking about?

- Man talk.
- That's right.

- Your table's ready.
- Thank you. Thank you.

[All] Wow! Wow!

- That's what I want!
- I want two of those!

[Cliff] No, no!
That's not the table!

That isn't the table! Come back!

Daddy, can we have that now?

Please? Please?
You're very handsome.

Sit down! I don't want to
hear that handsome stuff.

- May I?
- Thank you very much.

- Thank you, Kenny.
- You're welcome.

Sorry.

Dr. Huxtable? Yes, dear?

How come I have so many forks?

Well, each fork is
for a different course.

- Do I have to use both of them?
- No, you don't.

Good, because I like
this tall one the best.

All right.

I'll trade you my tall
one for your small one.

- Okay.
- I'll trade you my spoons for your plate.

No, no, no, no!

Here we go. Nice hot bread.

[Kids yelling]

Don't you ever
feed these children?

Raising wild dogs.

- I'll get you some more bread.
- Please. Thank you.

[doorbell rings]

- Sarah!
- Hi, Claire.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Well, you're always
saying how your little sister

should drop by more
often, so here I am.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

You don't mind having company?

No, not at all.

It's okay, girls. Come in.

Samantha!

Hi.

How you all doing?
Come on in, have a seat.

I haven't seen
you two in a while.

Well, you would if you came
down to the health club more often.

Samantha, don't bother
me. I've been very busy.

I hope we're not intruding.

Well, no, I was working, but
this is a great excuse to stop.

You should have seen us at the
club, pounding these bodies into shape.

And we were tired, hungry, and
thirsty and had no place to go,

and Sarah said, " Let's
go bother my sister Clair."

Well, welcome one and
all. What can I get for you?

Nothing. We brought our own.

Great. Come on into the
kitchen. I'll get some plates.

Clair, don't walk so fast.
My legs are killing me.

You're not the only one.

My thighs are so sore,
they're begging for mercy.

You're under 30. You're
not allowed to be sore.

Oh, Sam, nobody's
in the shape you're in.

You play racquetball
three times a week.

- Against men.
- You do?

Well, there's this one gentleman
from the office that I play against.

I didn't want to, but,
Clair, he challenged me.

And, girl, you know
I had to accept.

He is sorry he ever did that.

You should see her
play. She's devastating.

Do tell. Do tell.

Well, I don't always win.

Only three out of
the last four matches.

- And he's still plays you?
- He's just trying to get even.

And the harder he
tries, the worse he does.

Everybody from the club
comes down to watch them play.

You should hear
the crowd, Clair.

When the guy makes a
good shot, the men cheer.

When Sam scores a
point, the women go wild.

I'm going to have to
come down and see this.

Oh, you should. You know,
the last time we played,

I was one point from winning,

and suddenly, he gets this
mysterious injury and starts limping.

He turns to me and says,

"Well, since we can't finish
the game, it's not official."

You can't blame him.

After all, he's only a man.

All right. Will you
look at this menu?

It has everything you
ever wanted to eat.

Dr. Huxtable, what's this?

This is duck with orange sauce.

Duck?

Eww! Eww!

Do you have to eat the feathers?

You know better than that.
They take the feathers off.

What about the face?

I could never eat a duck face.

All right. Forget
the duck, okay?

- Dr. Huxtable?
- Yes, dear?

Are sweetbreads really sweet?

Forget the sweetbreads.

What are you doing, dear?

I wanna see if it floats.

Eww! Eww!

Hello! How's this
fine-looking table doing?

- Fine.
- Fine.

What's everybody doing here
today? Is it someone's birthday?

[Kids] No!

My dad just said he was going
to take all of us out for lunch.

Oh, your dad is a brave man.

[laughs]

Yes, and I'm afraid
I need your support.

- I'll keep you covered.
- Thank you.

Now, is everyone ready to order?

[Kids] Yes!

But don't give her any food
'cause she doesn't have any teeth.

Yes, I do!

- I know what I want.
- You do?

Yeah. My brother
taught me how to order.

- Hit it.
- First, I would like an appetizer.

Then soup. Then salad.

And then I'll have
the main course.

And after that dessert.
Thank you very much.

Now, we have some
delicious chicken, or fish...

- Hamburger?
- [Kids] Hamburger!

And french fries!

[Kids] Yay!

No, no, no. We're
not going to sit

in this restaurant
and order hamburgers.

This is a very
special restaurant.

This is a very special
luncheon we're having.

Now wouldn't you rather have
something you don't usually have?

[Kids] Hamburgers!

Uh, sir, may I recommend
the hamburgers?

But you don't have hamburgers.

Oh, yes, sir.

You have hamburgers? Yes.

Oh! Well, then hamburgers
all the way around.

[Kids] Yay!

Hamburgers and
fries for everyone.

[All] Yay!

Okay!

Yes, indeed.

Nothing like a good,
tasty salad with asparagus

to get the taste
buds ready for the...

hamburgers!

Daddy, what's this?

That's an artichoke heart.

A heart?

[Kids] Eww!

No, that's the
heart of a vegetable.

Vegetable?

[Kids] Eww!

- Dr. Huxtable?
- Yes, sir.

There's sawdust in my salad.

- Where?
- Right here.

That's a crouton.

What's that?

Toasted bread, and they cut
it up into little pieces like that.

No, it's not.

I know toasted bread
when I see it, and this isn't it.

Dr. Huxtable? Yes, dear.

Is this a beet?

Yes, that's a yummy beet.

I can't eat beets.
It's on my list.

Oh, you have a list?

- Yeah.
- May I see it?

Oh... "Foods that
Beth must not have:

Beets."

Well, there they are.

If I eat them, my
eyes will swell shut.

Morgan, do you have a list? No.

But I cannot eat olives.

There are olives in your salad.

Did you eat any?

Yes, but I feel good so far.

- Dr. Huxtable?
- Yes, sir.

I don't have a list, but I do know
that I'm not gonna eat croutons.

I see.

All right, you take
the croutons...

out of your salad, put
them in the bowl over there.

You take the beets and
put them in this bowl here.

Now, uh, Morgan...

uh, take the olives
out. Don't eat any more.

But if you feel the other
olives kick in, let me know.

[chuckling]

So, then what happened?

- Hey!
- Hi!

[All] Hi!

Theo, Vanessa, you remember
Samantha and Glenda.

- Yeah, hi.
- [Both] Hello.

Okay, so how was the tennis?

[chuckles] Theo was hilarious.

Cut it out, Vanessa.

Well, what happened?

Nothing.

Theo was giving
me a tennis lesson,

when these two good-looking
girls asked us to play doubles.

That was the end of my lesson.

[All] Ahh!

Well, I only did it
because I figured

it would improve Vanessa's
game to play with some older girls.

I hardly played.

Theo got all macho on me.

He ran around the court,
swinging at every ball they hit to us.

Sound familiar, Sam?

Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

So, Theo, were the
young ladies impressed?

Well, I don't know. I wasn't
trying to impress them.

Ha! Mom, halfway
through the match,

Theo called time-out and said,

"Man, it's hot out here."

Then he took off his shirt and
started to do stretching exercises.

[all chuckling]

Aunt Sarah, are you
making fun of me?

No, Theo.

Let's get to the
important thing.

Did you get their phone numbers?

Well, yeah.

But only...

Only because they
want tennis lessons.

Oh, please.

I'm going upstairs to take a
shower. Good-bye, everybody.

[Women] Bye, Vanessa.

[Women chuckling]

Well, it was hot out there.

[chuckling]

I had to let my skin breathe.

[Women laughing]

I was about to faint out there.

Oh, I'm sure you were.

Mom, would it be impolite if
I turned and ran out of here?

- No.
- Thank you. Good-bye, everyone.

Bye, Theo. Bye, Theo.

Oh, Clair, you got
a good one there.

I agree.

Yeah, and he's
gonna be even better

once he learns to stop trying so
hard to impress the young ladies.

[chuckling]

Dr. Huxtable? Yes, sir.

What's green and
slimy and has 100 legs?

I don't know.

I don't know, either. But
it's crawling on your shirt.

Good one, Kenny.
That's a good one.

Daddy, why is it taking so
long for the hamburgers?

We ordered a hundred years ago.

I know, dear.

But... But good
things take a while.

Is there a playground out back?

No, I don't think so.

Where are you going, dear?

- I dropped my napkin.
- Let me help you.

I'll help you. Me, too.

Okay. No, listen. Wait. No...

- No, guys. Come on.
- Hey, everybody!

Hamburgers! Hamburgers here!

Hamburgers are here! Bravo!

Hey look at this...
what we have.

- Isn't this wonderful?
- Here you... Oh, right here.

Oh, boy. This is yours.

Oh, B-O-Y. And
here you are, sir.

Thank you, sir. Okay.

Mmm, boy.

Look at this. Isn't
this wonderful?

What's the matter?

They're too big.

These are double smasheroonie.

These are two-handed fellas.

Just pick 'em up with two hands.

Come on and do it.

I've never seen a
hamburger like this before.

Me, neither.

Why didn't they give us a bun?

Because this is a
gourmet restaurant.

See, this is toast.

Like croutons, right?

No, Kenny, this is toast.

See, son, this is a
gourmet hamburger.

- Daddy?
- Yes, dear.

These aren't french fries.

Yes, they are french fries.

But they're giant. [Cliff] Yes.

Mine still has skin on it.

Hey, my fine-lookin'
table that looks so fine!

Is everything
all right? Uh, sir?

[clears throat] Could...

Can I have a private
conversation with you?

Oh, certainly.

My compliments
to the chef, but...

the... the children are not
used to these hamburgers.

I understand. They're too big.

Right! So, if you would
take everything back,

and take the french fries...

Have them make
long, thin slices.

Please. And take
the burger and...

Cover them with ketchup,
mustard and pickles,

put 'em between the bun
and mash 'em real tight.

Yes!

Yes! No problem.

I understand exactly
what you mean.

I have three children myself, and
they don't like to eat here, either.

Let's go. Okay.

All right, let's get rid
of these burgers here.

- Hey, we made a mistake.
- We made a mistake.

Where's Rudy?

I gave her away.

You did not.

[chuckles]

No, I dropped her
off at Beth's house.

Dear, I am never
going to take out

little children anyplace to eat

as long as I live.

Cliff, when did they
start giving balloons away

at the Port-au-Prince
restaurant?

This is not from Port-au-Prince.

This is from the Circus Burger.

Oh, you went to Circus Burger.

No, we went to Port-au-Prince.

The children didn't
want to eat the duck face.

So, then they ordered
the hamburgers.

The hamburgers came with toast.

They said, "Eww!"

And then the
potatoes were thick,

and they said, "Eww!"

So this wonderful waiter ran

across the street
to Circus Burger.

Came back with four
Circus Burger burgers.

And the children
ate and had a ball.

So, what's in this bag?

These are the
Port-au-Prince hamburgers.

Let me see.

Cliff, this is disgusting.

These hamburgers have...

ketchup, mustard, lettuce,

tomatoes, mayonnaise and
french fries mashed together?

Yes.

Why did you bring this home?

Well, I just brought them
home, I guess, you know...

So I'll put them in the freezer,
and maybe one of the kids

will want one for a
snack or something.

Cliff, you were gonna
eat this yourself.

No, no.

No. Hey, Dad.

Hey, how you doing, Son?

Great balloons. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you. What's in the bag?

Uh, some burgers
from Port-au-Prince.

Oh, can I take a look?

Yes.

Whoa! Can I have these?

Yes. No.

All right. No. Say, Son?

Let me talk to you for a second.

What? What?

I want you to sit down.

Oh. Come on.

Yeah. Now give me your feet.

Oh. Oh. Put your
little feet up here.

And let me relieve
you of your antennae.

No, you can't take my
antennae away from me.

[chuckling] Why?

These balloons cost me $140.

You know what I would
really like, though?

- What?
- I need a nap.

I just want to nap right here.

- All right.
- Thank you.

I'll take my work upstairs
so I don't disturb you.

Thank you, dear. And, darling?

Yes?

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

I'm gonna make sure
that no one disturbs you.

Okay. And you have a nice nap.

Thank you, dear.

Hey, Dad.

Do you... love your father?

Yeah.

I mean, do you really
care about your father?

Yeah, Dad.

Then if you really
care about your father,

would you give your father
one of those burgers, please?

I can't do that.

You don't have to worry.
Your mother is upstairs.

So let me have a burger.

Dad, that's not
it. I ate them all.

Boy, you ate four
burgers in forty seconds?

I was hungry.

What happened to the fries?

I ate those, too.

You ate the fr...
You... In 40 seconds?

I'm sorry, Dad.

But I still really
truly care about you.

Thank you. Oh, and Dad?

- Yeah?
- [belches]

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