The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 20 - Cliff's 50th Birthday - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

Clair?

[Clair] Yes?

Have you seen my
other blue argyle sock?

For the past three months
you've been asking for that sock.

Now why don't you
face it? It's gone.

No. It'll turn up.

I think it got lost in
the laundry, honey.

Why don't you
give this one to me,



and I'll use it as a dust rag.

No, you don't use
my sock as a dust rag.

Come on. No. Socks
do this on purpose.

When they're together, they say,

"Listen, you go, and I'll go,

"and then he'll find one of
us, and then he'll walk around,

"" Clair, have you seen my sock?
Clair, have you seen my sock?

"" Clair have you
seen my sock'...

"And then he'll throw you
away, and then I'll show up.

It drives him crazy.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

I'll buy you a new
pair for your birthday.

No, that's not necessary, dear.

Well, how do you
want to celebrate?

Oh, it doesn't
make any difference.



Just nothing special.

Oh, no. Come on now.

This is a very special birthday.

Are you kidding?

Just because there's a number

and then you put a
zero on the end of it?

Am I hearing the sound

of a man who is
afraid of turning 50?

I am not afraid.

I mean, I'll just jump
to 60 if you want me to.

I'm not... Shoot.

Okay, then how do
you want to celebrate?

Just something simple
with the children and you

and a present.

A present? Yeah.

You can get me, uh, a giraffe.

- A giraffe?
- Yeah.

Cliff, where are you
going to put a giraffe?

Put him in the basement

and cut a hole in the kitchen
so his head will come up.

Heh heh hee.

And we walk and pet him and
give him little leaves and everything.

I would not get my heart
set the giraffe if I were you.

See, there you go.

You keep asking me what I
want, then I say what I want,

and then you tell me I
can't get my heart set on it.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute. I know.

What?

For your birthday, we'll give
you something you've never had.

Measles.

- No.
- What?

A party for you
and your friends.

Just you and your friends.

Well, what about the children?

You can have a party with
the children in the afternoon,

but at night you can
have the adult party.

You're kidding.

No, and you can invite
whomever you please.

I can? Yes.

Oh, I'm... I'm ready.
Just a second.

Wait a minute.

I'm going to get a
pad and a pencil,

and we're going to
start this right now.

Okay.

Put down Harry Jefferson.

Harry Jefferson.
Harry Jefferson!

Put him down.

Played football
at school with him.

Yes, yes. I remember
Harry Jefferson.

This is that clown that drinks
all the liquid out of the cans

and then puts them on his
head and smashes them.

Oh, dear, that was 30 years ago.

You don't know that.

Lord only knows what
that man's head looks like.

All right. Clarence Petway!

Put Clarence down. We were
in medical school together.

He used to come to dinner
talking about accident victims

he was treating in
the emergency room.

Yeah, well, he loves his work.

So I'm supposed to
spend three days cooking

so he can come and
wreck everybody's appetite?

So, you... you
don't want Clarence.

Next.

Okay.

Here's somebody that you
and I haven't seen in awhile.

- Okay.
- Mark Etton.

Dear! Mark Etton! Come on, now.

He's your friend
and he's my friend.

He's your friend.

Margie Etton is my friend.

Of course, the two of them
aren't together anymore.

Yeah, well, they got
divorced, that's true,

but Margie has remarried,

and her last name
isn't Etton anymore.

It shouldn't have been
Etton to begin with.

You said to me, I think...

"Cliff, gonna have
a grown-up party..."

[mutters]

"and you can choose
whomever you..."

I gave you three names
and every time you went...

[laughs]

Do me a favor.

Of the three, I want you to
choose the one you like most

of the ones you dislike.

All right. Mark Etton.

All right!

I'm going to bury my
grudges for one evening.

And bless you for your kindness.

Here's another one,

somebody who helped
me when I was, uh,

young and growing up
and helped me to mature.

Who?

Eunice Chantilly.

I'm going... You're
not going anywhere.

No, you come back here.

[shouting]

[laughing]

So, did you enjoy
your birthday lunch?

Yes, I did.

My favorite cake made
by my favorite children.

Did you like the scrambled
eggs with peanut butter?

No!

I made it.

Ah! I loved it!

My... Loved it.

Wonderful. Ha ha!

Okay, so now here we go
with the main event, all right?

What do you mean?

[Cliff] You know
what I'm talking about.

Where's my present?

Dad, the lunch was your present.

No! No! I don't...

Dad, you asked for a
birthday lunch, and you got it.

No, my present!

I'm talking about
something in a box

with a ribbon on it.

Let's hit it!

But, Dad, you told
us to keep it simple.

Right. Simple and expensive.

Okay, Cliff, the children
do have something for you.

[Cliff] That's right.

Now, I take it it must
be in the living room.

Yes, but don't look.

Huh? Don't look.

Okay. Okay, now close your eyes.

Close... Follow me.

Close my eyes and follow
you. Heh heh heh heh.

- Come on, Cliff.
- Where are you going to lead me?

Come on. I can't...

Are you sure your
eyes are closed?

Of course, but why
is the easel there?

No fair! You peeked!

Well, I'm sorry. I
had to see the chair.

Have a seat, Dad.

[Sondra] Let us begin.

Turning 50 is a monumental
event in a man's life.

Oh, Lord. Who let
this child in the house?

Some men have been
known to be traumatized

by reaching the
half century mark.

And with this in
mind, dear Father,

we'd like to make you feel
more comfortable about your age.

This is sad. [laughter]

And so, we proudly present...

"Things That Are
Older Than Dad."

Ha ha!

This is Dad. He's 50.

50, Dad.

Some might think 50 is old,

but there are things
that are even older.

The light bulb is
older than Daddy.

The wheel... is older than Dad.

Fire is older than Dad.

Dirt...

is older than Dad.

All of these items have
one thing in common.

They have proven themselves
through the test of time,

and we need them very much.

[All] Just like Dad!

May I have my present, please?

[laughs]

Oh, we have a present for you.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Thank you very much.

We all chipped in for this.

Yeah, we figured it was
something you could really use.

All right.

[clears throat]

Now, what... what is it?

It's a key ring that
beeps when you clap.

Really?

Yeah, we bought it because
you're always losing your keys.

So now when you lose
them all you have to do is this.

[beeping]

Ooh! Ha ha!

That's all right.

Try again.

Something must be
wrong with it. Let me try.

[beeping]

[Vanessa] It works.

I want to try!

[beeping]

Yay!

I'll try it. I'll do it
from back here.

[beeping] [giggles]

That's it, Cliff. You're
sitting too close.

Maybe it doesn't
work for adults.

[beeping]

Okay, it's a
practical joke, right?

No.

You all have a button you're
pressing somewhere, huh?

Dad, maybe your
hands aren't built right.

My hands are fine.

[clap clap]

It's supposed to
work for everybody.

Well, it doesn't work for me.

Well, then can I have it?

No, you can't have it!

This is something that
I will cherish forever...

This was given to
me by my children...

Even if it doesn't work.

Let's hear it for
Dad! [cheering]

[beeping]

[laughing]

No, she did not.

- At least I told you the truth.
- Come on.

When we first met, you told
me you were a famous actress.

I was famous. Where?

In Saginaw, Michigan. [laughing]

[doorbell rings]

- That must be Mark.
- Finally.

Oh, I can't wait to see him.

Finally.

Hey! Ha ha ha ha!

How you doing? I'm great!

Ha ha!

Heathcliff.. Yeah?

I'd say you look good
for 50, but I'd be lying.

Oh!

I'd say you look good, but
you never did look good!

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, who is this?
Is this your wife?

Oh, Cliff, you remember
my daughter Ellen.

No! Not the Ellen who
used to dribble milk

down the front of my shirt.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Yeah. Doctor?

You call me Uncle
Dr. Huxtable, all right?

Hi, everybody.

[All] Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Traffic was backed up for
miles outside Philadelphia.

Admit it. You got lost.

- He did.
- Shh!

Heh heh heh.

- Hi, Clair.
- Hello, Mark.

- How are you, Clair?
- I'm fine.

Ellen, how are you?
What a surprise!

We weren't expecting to see you.

I know. It was my mom's weekend,

but she came down
with a cold this morning.

I only wish I knew
you were coming.

All the girls have
gone to see a movie.

Oh, that's okay.

No, no, no. My son is here.

You know, you can
hang out with him.

Yeah. Theo!

[Theo] Yeah, Dad? Come on down.

I want you to meet some people!

All right, be right down.

All right. Well, Theo's
home alone, you know.

He's got no place to go. Hi.

Son, I want you to
meet a friend of mine.

Mark Etton... Hi.

And his daughter Ellen.

Hi. Hi.

Nice meeting you. Uh, son?

Son, son, son.

I was thinking maybe
you'd like to take Ellen

to a movie tonight.

Well, Dad, I would like
to, but I just made plans.

This is really not a problem.
I can set an extra place.

Come on, let's go eat.

Good, I'm starved!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, son. Son, come on.

I want to talk to
you in the kitchen.

[all chattering]

So, Clair, it's been
a long time, hasn't it?

Yeah, it has.

How's everything
at the law office?

Busy.

How's, uh, Denise
adjusting to, uh, college life?

Fine.

Son, I would really appreciate it if
you would look after Ellen tonight.

I don't think she's going to
have fun with all these adults.

Yeah, but, Dad, a
bunch of kids from school

are meeting down
at the roller rink.

Okay, well, then
take her with you.

Dad, I can't take Ellen
out with me in public.

- Why?
- Dad, she's just a kid.

She's 12.

Do you know what people will say if
they saw me skating with a 12-year-old?

They'd say I was
robbing the cradle.

That girl is gorgeous.
She's beautiful.

I'm sorry. All I see is 12.

There's a certain age
that you said to me,

"Dad, I'm going to
party, party, party,

"and then when I'm burnt out,

I'm going to look around for
a woman to settle down with."

Remember? What age was that? 24.

When you're 24 she
will be around 20 or 21

and you're going to be
looking around for somebody.

Now wouldn't it be nice to lay
a little track and be nice to her

so that she would remember
you when you're 24?

All right, Dad. I
mean, I'll do it.

- Only because it's your birthday.
- Thank you.

And on my 24th birthday,

if she turns out to be as
beautiful as you say she will be,

you have to find her
and bring her to my party.

All right.

Things have happened
to that story since then.

No! And I think
people want to hear it.

No!

I have not thought of
that ski trip for ages.

[Castilian accent] That
was a wonderful weekend.

[imitates accent] Right, that
was a wonderful weekend.

[laughing] This one here...

suggests that we all go skiing.

Everybody at this table knows
that we did not know how to ski.

But did we go out
and buy some stuff...

[laughing and chattering]

- Did we go broke to look good?
- [Woman] Yes, we did!

And did we not, looking
good, fall down a lot?

[All laughing]

And there's Hector, the
only one who can ski,

standing on the slopes saying,

[imitates accent]
"My name is Hector,

and I am going to ski beautifully
and you can eat my snow."

That's him!

We all were just so lucky
that Margie was around.

Whenever any of us fell down
she was the first one there, saying,

"Come on, get up. You
can do it." Remember that?

She did have team spirit.

Margie never complained
about anything.

Except the cold.

I spent a fortune buying her
hot chocolate that weekend.

[laughter]

You can't blame Margie
for that. It was cold.

Yeah, well, I think we've
all been sitting here too long.

Why don't you all move
in to the living room

and Clair and I will do
some straightening up.

- We'll be right in.
- [Woman] Good idea.

Let's move it quick, before
they start another football story.

Ha ha! Okay, no
more football stories,

but did I ever tell
you all about the time

when Cliff and I ran track?

[All] No! No!

It was after 10 relays...

I can't believe that man. Huh?

Sitting up there complaining
that Margie spent too much money

on hot chocolate that weekend.

Oh, it was just a joke, dear.

That was a very
poor joke, Cliff,

and you know better
because you were there.

- It was cold.
- I know.

I drank a lot of
hot chocolate, too.

- Yes.
- You didn't complain about me.

No, I didn't, dear,
but I tell you what.

Why don't you and I go
in and brew some coffee,

take some deep breaths, okay?

And then we'll go
in the living room.

Cliff, I don't know if I want to be
in the same room with that man,

sitting up there looking like
a peacock, criticizing Margie.

I might go over
there and smack him.

Well, I'll tell you, you go
in and you brew the coffee.

I'll go upstairs and a get a football
helmet and put it on his head.

Just a little joke.

So, what grade are you in?

Seventh. What grade are you in?

Eleventh.

Did you like the seventh grade?

Seventh grade?

You know, that was so long
ago, I can barely remember it.

Do you like movies?

Oh, I love movies. Really?

Did you see Return
of the Walking Dead?

No.

Well, you should see it.
It's a pretty good movie.

I'm not allowed to
see horror movies.

You mean, you've never
seen a horror movie?

I can only see "G" movies.

Oh.

Hey, let's get
moving with the java.

Hey, I just finished making
a lovely presentation.

Where's Clair?

Uh, she's down in the
basement soaking the tablecloth.

I'll go down and help her.

No, I think you'd be
better off up here with me.

- You're done.
- I said...

you'd be better off
up here helping me.

- There's a problem, isn't there?
- Yeah.

But I thought when I was
invited over here tonight

that I was finally forgiven for what
happened between Marge and me.

I think Clair just needs
a little time, that's all.

I'd really like
to talk to Clair.

Okay. Go ahead.

But just remember one thing.

You don't have
me to block for you.

[laughs]

With the way you block, I got
used to running unprotected.

Okay. Well, good luck.

Now, I hope you can get
things straightened out.

And when you do,

then I hope she will let you
come over and play with me.

Heh. All right.

Hey, I got the
coffee! I'm taking it in!

Oh, Cliff, I'm coming into the living
room just as soon as I put these...

dishes in the dishwasher.

Uh, let me help you.

That's all right, Mark. I've
really got this under control.

Why don't you just join
the rest of the people?

Clair, are we ever going
to clear this up between us?

Clear what up?

The fact that ever since
Marge and I got divorced,

I've been in the
doghouse with you.

Mark, I really don't think this is
the time for us to talk about this.

You're right.

I'll bring it up when we're all
in the living room having coffee.

I think I see a smile there.

But it's okay. I
won't tell anybody.

You better leave me
alone. I'm angry with you.

Well, at least you've said it.

Thank you. You're welcome.

How can I get you to
stop being angry with me?

I don't know.

Clair, it's been five
years since the divorce.

Mark, I have a very good memory.

Now, you did something
that I cannot easily forgive.

Look, I'm not denying it.

I cheated on Margie.

- Yes, you did.
- And I'm sorry for what I did.

I was wrong. I hurt her.

Yes, you did.

When I realized what I had
done, I was never sorrier in my life.

I haven't stopped loving Marge,
but she's remarried and happy.

I can't beg her to come back,

but for the rest of my life, I'll
never, ever find a friend like her.

Margie is a good friend.

We get along now.

She says she's forgiven me.

Are you telling the truth? Yes.

All I ask is that you think
about giving me a chance.

I'll think about.

Because Cliff said
if we work it out,

you'll let me come
over and play with him.

Please.

[chuckles]

Do you mind if I
shoot some hoops?

No. Okay.

Looks like you've got
a pretty good dunk shot.

You know about basketball?

Yeah, my dad and I go
to a lot of games together.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

If the 76ers make
it into the finals,

Dad said he'd get
us some tickets.

Whoa!

Dad and I do a lot of
great things together.

Like, last summer, we took
a backpacking trip to Maine.

And next month we're going to
Colorado to do some whitewater rafting.

What's the matter?

Well, I'm trying to picture
Vanessa and my dad

alone in a raft
going down a river.

My dad likes to do
these things with me.

I think he wants to make
the most of our time together.

How long have your
parents been divorced?

About five years.

- Was it rough?
- Well, I was only seven,

and I cried a lot.

But I'm 12 now, and I understand
that these things happen.

What's it like for your mom?

She got married about two
years ago to my stepfather.

He's pretty cool.

I don't know if I could
handle having two fathers.

It's okay,

just as long as you know
that everybody loves you

and that they all get along.

Well, you seem to be
pretty together about all this.

Thanks.

How'd you like to take a shot?

Okay.

I'm better at watching.

- Do you know how to roller-skate?
- Yeah.

How would you like to go
down to the roller skating rink?

Sure. All right,
let's get our coats.

Uh, one thing.

We may run into some
of my friends down there.

Oh. How about if I tell them
that you're baby-sitting me?

Ellen, you don't have
to do that. Come on.

We'll just tell them you're
my cousin from Missouri.

Okay.

No, it's fine.

- Your coat, my dear.
- Oh, Cliff.

This was a terrific party.

Thank you.

I think it's a sin that we don't
get together more than we do.

I agree.

[Castilian accent] Yeah,
listen. I have an idea.

Let's all go skiing again.

No! [chattering]

Don't try to leave this
house without cake.

Now, wait a minute! Don't
go giving away our food.

I beg your pardon.

They have to take this.

If this cake stays in
the house, I'll eat it.

We're doing you a favor, Cliff.

You should learn
to live without cake.

That's right, but this
is for your daughter,

and I'm calling the rink to
let her know it's on the way.

Now you are going to
call me about lunch, right?

Oh, yes. All right.

Clair, adieu. Adieu.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Will you please take that
phony accent and get out?

Ha ha ha ha!

Bye! Good night.

Hey, happy birthday, brother.

Go ahead. Thank you.

Hey, hey, man. All right.

- I'll see you.
- Yes, and I'll be blocking for you.

- Thanks. Good night.
- Good night.

Oh, that was lovely.
That was lovely.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. I enjoyed it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah.

[sighs]

You all did
something, didn't you?

[beeping]

Come on, come
on. What did you do?

It doesn't like you, Cliff.

The key ring does not like you.

- But I do.
- You do?

Oh, yes.

So if I clap, will
you beep for me?

Ha ha ha! Maybe.

Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep.

[Both] Beep, beep
beep, beep beep.

Heh heh.

I had a talk with
Mark in the kitchen.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

So did you smack him?

No! I listened to him.

Well, good.

It's tough.

Being divorced and
having your friends like you

and not like you.

I would imagine that if we were
divorced, how many people...

You've been thinking about this?

What I'm talking
about is... I was just...

What are you talking about?

- I'm trying to make a point.
- What is the point?

There is no point.

I wasn't... I didn't
say anything.

And just where do you think
you'd stay if we broke up?

First of all, I don't think I
could live if we broke up.

- You know where you'd stay.
- Where?

- You'd go over to that fool's house.
- What...

That fool that puts the cans on
top of his head and squashes them.

- No.
- Yes, you would!

Yes, you would.

And you all would
have a bachelor pad.

Yes, you would! No, I wouldn't.

And have all night
parties of degradation.

Come on. Get out.

No. Yes, you... No, I would not.

And you're going to be sorry
when I say what I have to say,

which is the truth,

that when the children were
in there and brought the cake

with the candles
and I blew them out,

the wish was that you and
I would always be in love

with each other for ever, and
married and together forever.

Now...

- You did that?
- Yes, I did,

because you are a lawyer,
and if we got divorced,

you would take
me for everything.

[Both laugh]

- You got that right!
- Yes, indeed.

Come on, let's go to bed.

Now you're talking.

Now, first of all, I
want you to know

that I'm happy my birthday is
over because this stomach of mine...

I want not more
cake in this thing.

[laughing] [beeping]

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[Woman] The Cosby Show was
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