The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Shower - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

Hi, Theo.

Hey, what's up?
What are you doing?

Dad and I are putting up decorations
for Denise's wedding shower.

Denise is getting married?

No, but her friend Veronica is.

And because Denise is the maid
of honor, she's giving the shower.

What's a "maid of honor"?

In a wedding, it's kinda like
the best man, only it's a woman.



Why don't they call
it "the best woman"?

Rudy, I'm a guy. I
don't know these things.

What do you do at a shower?

Well, it's kind of like a party.

All your friends come over
and they give you a lot of gifts.

Can a man have a shower?

I don't see why not.

Then I'm getting married.

Who are you gonna
marry? I don't know.

It might be you, might not.

I might say yes. I might say no.

Tell you what. Just in case,
we'll save the decorations.

All right. Let's
go play checkers.

See ya later, alligator.
After while, crocodile.



Your brother's cool.

My whole family's cool.

Oh, now this is all right.

Now I figure we could
hang this above the stairs.

Hanging? Is that all you're
gonna do, is hanging?

I thought you'd be
a little more creative.

I mean, something like
a big bow, right here,

that would symbolize
the tying of the knot.

Yeah, I like that. All right.

It's symbolic, yet festive.

Bold yet artsy-craftsy.

[chuckles] Yes.

You know, Dad,
this is kinda scary.

What do you mean?
Climbing up the ladder?

No, Dad. You see,
Veronica's Denise's age.

That's only two
years older than me.

- Uh-huh.
- And she's getting married?

Yeah, so what you're afraid of is
the age she's getting married at.

Well, yeah.

See, I'm not getting married
until I've had all the fun I can.

Which means I want to go
places where I wanna go.

I could be footloose
and fancy-free.

Well, that's fine.

You know, Dad, I've been
watching you. Uh-huh.

And you've been
married for years. Yeah.

Your wife won't
let you do anything.

I-I don't understand
what you're talkin' about.

You can't call the guys
on the phone and say,

"Hey, let's go hang out."

If you want to go to a party,
Dad, you have to take her with you.

And she won't even let
you have a sports car.

If I wanted a sports
car, I could get one.

All I'm saying is, I'm
gonna wait a long time

before I settle down with a
woman and let her beat up on me.

[laughs]

Your mother doesn't
beat up on me.

We're in love. Maybe so.

But I'm gonna squeeze
out every ounce of fun

I have in me
before I get too old.

Okay, now, what age is that?

Twenty-four.

Yeah, you will really
be burnt out by then.

Dad? Mm-hmm.

- Once you put the ring
on that finger, - Mm-hmm.

It's all over.

Marriage is the death of fun.

Then these decorations we're puttin'
up... Maybe we better take 'em down

and put up some
skull and crossbones.

How about if we get a giant rolling
pin and hang it from the ceiling?

Yeah! Yeah, and how about if I tell
your mother when she comes home

- what you said?
- Dad, I'm just playing.

No, you're not playing. You
have to give me some money now.

[chuckling] Okay. Dad, come on.

- Want to play another game?
- Not yet.

I'm thirsty. I'd like to
have a glass of juice.

Okay, it's in the refrigerator.

You should get it for me. Why?

You're a woman. That's your job.

Excuse me?

You're supposed
to wait on a man.

Nuh-uh. Sandra says a
woman shouldn't spend her life

waiting on a man.

Okay, but the woman I marry's
gonna get me some juice.

Well, it's not gonna be me, Bud.

I would, if I were you.

Why? Because you're evil.

- Where'd you get that?
- The blues.

What blues?

When my brother
plays the blues songs,

the man on the
record always says,

♪ You're mean and evil ♪

♪ You do the things
you ought not do ♪

And that's you: evil!

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not, donkey-head
- Mashed potato head.

Now hold it. Now stop it.

How come every time you guys
play, you get into an argument?

He called me evil.
Because she is.

No, I'm not! Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. Stop.

Now, Dad said, if I wanted, I could
take you two skating this afternoon.

But I can't do that if
you're gonna be fighting.

We won't fight. Right.

You promise?

[Rudy & Bud] We promise!

Now shake hands and apologize.

I'm sorry, Rudy. I'm sorry, too.

Okay, let's go.

But you're still a donkey-head.

And you're a mashed potato head.

I'd rather be a mashed potato
head than a donkey head.

[sighs]

[gasps] Wow, Theo!

Hi.

- Theo, this looks lovely!
- Thanks.

Dad and I worked
on it all morning.

Wow, it looks really great!

I'm so excited!

[chuckles] Yeah, me
too. I was wondering,

what do you wear to
something like this?

Usually a skirt and
a blouse. Yeah, right.

I guess I'll just
wear a coat and tie.

Right. [laughing] [laughing]

What's wrong?

Theo, this is a wedding shower.
It's for women. Men aren't invited.

Are you serious?

- Yeah!
- How come you didn't tell us this

before we did all this work?

I thought you were doing it
because you wanted to help.

Well, I did, but I thought there
was something in it for me.

Oh, well, there is.

Thank you, O dearest
brother, O thou!

[Clair laughing] And that's it?

No, O most precious
number one son.

Your diligent work will
live forever in my memory.

[chuckles] Well, thanks.

It's nice to know that you're
laughin' with me, and not at me.

Right. [laughs]

Well, hi, Cliff. Hey.

Things are coming
together very nicely.

Did you see my bow?
Yes, I saw your bow.

- It's the best, and so are you.
- Thank you.

And because you are, I
have something for you.

What is it? It's out in the car.

It's a surprise. What?

When I saw it, I
said, "That's Cliff."

What? What is it?

Shelves.

- Shelves?
- Yeah! But not just shelves.

I mean, this is a
do-it-yourself kit from France.

This is what you've been
wanting for your office.

Oh. Well, I'll go
out and get it,

and I'll assemble it
first thing tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Why
don't you start today?

Are you trying to give
me something to do

so that I won't peek in on
your little sad, tired shower?

Yes.

Ha! I know how you are.

See, you cannot take it when people
are having fun and you're not included.

- Get outta here.
- It's true.

And that's why I bought the shelves,
so you'll have something to do,

and you won't come
upstairs and bother everybody.

Yeah, well I happen to
be a wizard with tools.

So I will have finished
assembling those shelves

before your little,
tired shower starts.

Okay.

You can come upstairs if
you've finished the shelves.

But they must be
fully assembled.

Is that a deal?

Sure, it's a deal. All right.

But after I've finished them,

and I get Theo to help me,

I may not even want to
come up to the shower.

I may just decide

to go out someplace by myself.

Good. I might even go

and look at some
sports cars... By myself.

And eat a hoagie and
put extra mayonnaise on it.

By myself.

I am going to leave this room

so you can sit here and
continue talking to yourself.

Mm-hmm. That's all right.

You just try to beat
up on me all the time.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, Veronica!

- Hi, Theo!
- How are you doing?

I can't believe how
much you've grown.

Well, I can't believe
you're getting married.

Well, if I'd have known you were gonna
turn out so handsome, I'd have waited.

Really?

You bet. You know, Veronica,

I never told you this,

but there was a time when
I was really in love with you.

Why didn't you say something?

I was only eight.

Veronica? Denise?

[squealing] I'm so excited.

Oh, you look so
good. I can't believe it.

I'm so excited.
Everybody's coming.

Charlene is coming.
Charlene is coming?

Hey, hey, hey!

Dr. Huxtable! Yes. How are you?

Oh, great! Oh, Veronica.

Oh, you are so...
How are you both?

You look wonderful!
Wait till you see her dress.

It is so gorgeous.
Is it European?

Theo!

Dad!

[chattering]

Look at you!

What are you gonna
wear to the wedding?

I have not idea.
Let's go talk about it.

[both chattering]

[girls laughing]

[laughing, clapping]

They're sure havin'
a good time up there.

Yeah, but they're not
havin' as much fun as we are.

Very cute little...

[laughing hysterically]
Yeah, but Dad,

they're laughing, and we're not.

Laughing doesn't always
mean you're having fun.

I mean, there are times
when you can experience

joy from within.

Like the joy we're feeling now.

That is correct.
Now, let's get started.

[imitating old work song] ♪
Breaking up the shelves, boys ♪

[grunts]

- Dad, would you hand me the instructions?
- Okay.

There you go. Okay, thanks.

♪ Breakin' up the shelves, boys ♪
Dad?

[grunts] Huh?

These instructions
are in French.

Okay, well, they have an English
version around. Take a look.

♪ Breakin' up the
shelves, boys ♪

I don't see the English version.

Okay, well then,
you translate it.

Why me?

Because you're
taking French in school.

Dad, I've only had
one semester of this.

Well, so what? You got nouns,
verbs and numbers, right?

- Yeah.
- Hit it!

"Assemblage."

Hey, that means "assembly."

Okay. Now, the picture says

you're supposed to
hold the vertical part up.

Okay, now.

[reading French]

"With a mallet."

[laughs] Okay.

- With a mallet, uh...
- I have it.

Pound your ankle into slot "A."

Dad, it says cheville.

Read on, please.

[reading French]

"Put your mother on a horse."

Oh. [all] Wow!

Liz, these candlesticks
are beautiful.

Those are all your
romantic candlelight dinners.

What romantic dinners?
They're getting married.

Maybe, but that's not
all. It comes with a poem.

"There once was a
girl named Veronica

who like to play
the harmonica..."

I don't play the harmonica.
I know, but it rhymes.

"She loved a man named Jim,

"and when she married him,

they made music like
the Philharmonica."

Oh! [giggling]

Well, we were all deeply moved
by that wonderful work of art,

but it's time for the next gift.

- Here. This is from me.
- Thank you.

It's something for
your weddin' night.

Oh, my God, I
don't believe this.

- Do you like it?
- Charlene, you're terrible.

- I can't show this to Jim.
- Oh, come on!

- [clamoring]
- No!

Hi, hi, hi!

You all are makin' so much
noise, the police are gonna

come and raid the joint!

- [giggling]
- What are you doing up here?

Oh, I came up to get the
French-English dictionary.

That is a sad little excuse.

No, I need the
French-English dictionary,

because I'm
assembling the shelves.

Get the dictionary. I have it.

Now get out. I don't
believe I'm met everyone.

You don't need to meet everyone.

But you're embarrassing me

- in front of people.
- No, you're embarrassing yourself.

[muttering] Okay.

I hope you get to play
at the Philharmonica!

Dad!

And I saw what was
in the box. [shrieking]

[hysterical laughing]

So, what's next?

- Son! What's next?
- Oh, sorry, Dad.

My mind was somewhere else.

Upstairs, right?

Dad, I can't help it.

Upstairs are the most
incredible women.

And they're all the perfect age.

What's wrong with
the girls your age?

Well, they try too hard.

You see, the girls up
there don't have to try,

because they
have it all together.

Because they're college girls.

They know how to dress. They
know what perfume to wear.

- They're better drivers.
- Why are they better drivers?

- 'Cause they have cars.
- I'm sorry. I lost my head.

Dad, I would love to be
able to ask one of them out.

- Well, then, why don't you?
- Dad, I don't stand a chance.

I mean, I have the poise.

I have the looks. I
have the mustache for it.

It is coming in nicely.

Thank you.

So what's the problem?
Dad, the problem is,

I don't have any heavy armaments.
The air power. The sea power.

You want a boat and a plane?

No, Dad, I want a sports car.

Dad, a sports car would
give me the confidence

to talk to these girls
and ask them out.

I think what you should do

is go down to a college campus.

Walk around. Look at the cars.

And the one that you
like, lean back on it.

And fold your arms like this,
and build up that confidence.

You know, like that's your car?

And when you see a
nice-looking person come by,

then you look at
her and you say, "Hi."

And act like it's your
car. You like that idea?

Dad, I've tried it
and it doesn't work.

Thank you, but I think you all
went a little overboard on the gifts.

Oh, but wait a minute, wait
a minute. There is one more.

Thank you. This one's from me.

[gasping] Like it?

I took some old photographs,

and I put together a
history of you and Jim.

This is great! Look at this!

Thanks. See? There
is your first date.

[laughing] And there's the prom!

- There's graduation.
- Oh, thank you.

- This is so special.
- Yeah.

I left some of these blank, so you
can fill 'em out after you get married.

Oh, that's a great idea, 'cause you could
fill it in with pictures of your house,

and your pets, and all the
children you're gonna have.

[all] Yeah!

Well, I'm starved! Let's eat!

Oh, yeah! Let's eat.

The dining room is this way.

[Girl] What are we having?

[Clair] Fattening foods.

[chattering]

Hey. Hi.

Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.

I just wanted to get away
from everything for a minute.

No, that's okay.

Your room looks different.

This is not my room
anymore. It's Vanessa's.

- Oh, then maybe we should leave.
- No, it's all right.

She allows me to sleep
here when I come home.

You know, I always
liked this room.

Yeah, we did spend a lot of
nights up here together, didn't we?

Right? Talkin' about boys.

How we were going to
travel all over Europe together.

Oh, then come back to New York
and open our own high-fashion boutique.

Oh, right, right! [laughing]

Well, it's gonna be kinda hard
traveling all over Europe now,

unless Jim wants to come
along and take care of the baby.

- Oh! How is the baby?
- It must be healthy,

because I'm sick every morning.

My mom says she was the
same way when she carried me.

Yeah, how's your mom doing?

Oh, she's been
great. Very supportive.

Yeah? How about your dad?

He's still having problems with
it, but they are letting Jim and me

move in with them until
we can save a little money.

Oh, that's good. Denise,
be honest with me.

- Am I fat?
- No! Veronica!

I mean, look at this.
I'm starting to show.

No, you're not. No
one even noticed.

In a couple of weeks,
I'm gonna be out to here.

The blimp bride.

You guys are gonna have
to roll me down the aisle.

Stop. You're
gonna look beautiful.

- Denise?
- Hmm?

I don't know if
I'm ready for this.

Of course you are.
Everything's gonna be fine.

But it's not workin' out
the way we planned.

Of course not. This
thing wasn't planned.

It just sort of happened, but
you're making the best of it.

Well, it didn't "just
sort of happen."

Well, no, it didn't just happen.

You guys got lost in
the passion and forgot.

Denise, I got
pregnant on purpose.

[chuckling] Right.
Come on, Veronica.

No, I'm serious.
We planned this.

Veronica, why would you
do something like that?

Well, you know how Jim and I
always talked about getting married.

And how my dad said it was out of
the question until I finished college?

We figured this would be the
best way to get his permission.

I don't believe this.

Well, we knew we'd
have children someday,

so we just thought
we get started sooner.

Well, this is real
soon, Veronica.

Yeah, but we planned everything.

How we'd have the baby,

still go to school,
and get part-time jobs.

It sounded good at the
time, but nothing's workin' out.

Denise, I can't get a decent
job without a college degree.

And Jim had to drop out
of school to work full time.

And he hasn't found a job yet.

We don't have any money at all.

Denise, everything's
fallin' apart.

Come here. Everything
is gonna work out fine.

You really think
so? Yes. I know so.

Denise, it may not seem like it,
but I am having fun at my shower.

[laughs] [giggles]

Hi, Mommy!

Hi, sweetie. How
was the skating?

Fabulous! Where's Kenny?

I dropped him off at his house.

Are you all right?

Mom, this was the
worst day of my life.

Those two wore me out!

I mean, they fought constantly,
and when they weren't fighting,

they were chasing each
other or running away from me.

I mean, I didn't
get to skate all day.

Well, I'm sorry you
had such a rough time.

[sighs] Mom, they're pigs.

They ate everything
they got their hands on.

I don't know how you've
done it all these years.

[laughing]

Kids are rotten.

I'm just glad I was
never that way.

Me, too. [laughs]

Okay.

This is it.

And I am finished in
the dining room. Good.

Mom? Yes?

Veronica's a really
good friend. Yes. She is.

Do you think she's too
young to get married? No.

But she is a little
young to have a baby.

You know?

Well, now, Denise, she has announced
her engagement, had her shower,

and it is getting married
all in the same month.

It doesn't take a
genius to figure that out.

- I guess.
- And she's beginning to show.

Oh, Mom, don't
tell her. She'll freak.

Oh, I won't say anything.

Mom, I've tried to
be positive about it.

I told her I think everything's
gonna work out great.

But I don't think
I really believe it.

I mean, if this thing
happened to me...

Oh, no, this wouldn't
happen to you.

- Yeah, I know, but just let's say...
- It won't.

- But Mom...
- It won't.

Well, let's say I...
I sort of planned it.

Denise, are you trying to tell
me that you want to have a baby?

N-No! [laughs] No.

Okay, then why are
you bringing this up?

You promise not to tell anyone?

Tell anyone what?

Veronica got
pregnant on purpose.

What?

Yeah, see? She and Jim
wanted to get married now,

and they knew this way the
parents would have to say yes.

Wait a minute. Let
me get this straight.

Veronica and her boyfriend,
who do not have jobs,

and who are moving
in with her parents,

decided to have this
baby on purpose?

Yes.

Do you know if one of
you pulled a stunt like that,

I would wring your neck?

[chuckles] I believe you.

I hope you do, because
that is the most selfish

and irresponsible
thing I've ever heard of.

- Ma, you don't understand.
- No, I do understand.

No, I understand.

This child hasn't gone off
on her own and done this,

she is moving in
with her parents.

That means that this
becomes their problem, too.

And I am sure that they did
not plan on having another baby.

Yeah, well, now that Veronica's
done this, she's really afraid.

Well, she should be afraid.
She should be more than afraid.

Mom, I understand what you're
saying, but Veronica's my friend.

I mean, whatever's she's
done, I have to help her.

I just have to make
sure she can handle this.

Denise, I know you feel this
way, and I'm glad you feel this way.

But honey, you have to
learn how to care about people

without takin' on
all their problems.

Now, Veronica has created
this situation for herself.

This is for her to
deal with, not you.

I know.

As her friend, the
most that you can do

is to love her,

and to let her know
that you're here for her.

I've done that, but it just
doesn't feel like it's enough.

Trust me, it is.

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

Wow, I thought as you
got older, life got easier.

- I don't know why you thought that.
- Me, neither.

Hi.

Well, hello.

Are you finished?

No.

We still have not
assembled the shelves.

I came up to get a soda,

if it's all right to have
one in my own home.

It's all right. Sit
down, I'll get it for you.

Thank you so much, kind woman.

I am very sorry that you
didn't finish the shelves in time

to join us for the shower.

Yes, you are sorry.

Because, if you'd had
any intelligence at all, dear,

you'd have purchased the thing,

and made sure that it had
the English version of it.

This way, all I'm doin' is
dealin' with a son downstairs

who's had one year of French,
and I don't know what that comes to,

'cause he's got me
drivin' my mother

with the mallet
through the ankle.

Let's see.

The English version.

Y-You had this the
whole time, didn't you?

Oui, monsieur.

I didn't want to come to your
old raggedy party anyway.

Subtitled by J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.