The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 18 - You Only Hurt the One You Love - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

What... What are you doing?

Having breakfast.

I've got it!

What... What is that?

My free packet of
Snappers candy.

You ruined a whole box of cereal

to get to these Snappers?

- I didn't ruin it.
- You did.



You put your little grubby
hands all in the food.

Look at these...
Don't touch it anymore!

Nobody's gonna eat that.

I will.

Hey, Dad. Oh, great. You
opened the new box of cereal!

You find the Snappers candy?

- Mm-hm. Want some?
- Sure.

Wait a minute. You
know about this?

- Yeah.
- How much does this box of cereal cost?

Uh...$1.79.

How many of those did you get?

- Five.
- How much does five go into $1.79?

Uh... well, somewhere
around 35 cents or something.

So each one of these comes
out to how much apiece?



35 cents apiece!

Now when you go
to the candy store,

what do you pay
for these things?

You get two for a penny.

Two for a penny.

But out of the box,
they're 35 cents apiece.

Now what have we
learned from this?

[phone rings]

Theo, will you play with me?

Rudy, today's
Saturday. It's my day off.

I'll give you all my
Snappers if you do.

You mean you'd give me all five of
these Snappers just to play with you?

- Mm-hm.
- Hey, come on, Rudy.

You don't have to do that.
I'll play with you anyway.

Just give me three of 'em.

Well, okay. That's a
shame, Dr. Bolden.

Yeah. Well, I'll... I'll... I'll talk
to somebody as soon as I can.

But that is... that's a shame.

Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Honey, what's a shame?

They're cutting 30 people
from the staff at the hospital.

Oh, that is terrible.

Yeah. But the main thing is,
they're cutting Mrs. Granger.

- Who's she?
- Mrs. Granger.

You know the nice
lady I told you about.

Does a fantastic job cleaning
up the doctor's lounge?

And gives us the cookies?

And leaves you the apples
when you gain weight?

- Yes, yes, yes.
- I like that lady.

Well, they're letting her
go, and I'm not takin' it.

I'm gonna talk to somebody.

'Cause that's not right.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

I'd love to stay here
and talk to you about this,

but I gotta rush
down to the office.

- I'll be back this afternoon. Okay?
- Will you hurry home?

Yeah, um... Cliff?

Yes?

Now I bought this
cereal for the children.

What are you doin' over here?

You're in here diggin' for
those candies, aren't you?

Don't you eat this cereal.
You put this cereal back.

Shh. Shh. Don't say anything.

Vanessa, did Rudy
come through here?

Well, she was in here.
But I don't see her now.

[laughing]

Gotcha! You're it! [screams]

- Ha ha ha!
- Hey, hey! You guys better take it easy.

You know how Mom and
Dad feel about horseplay.

Vanessa, we're just
playin' a game of tag.

- You're it.
- I'm not playing.

We're not supposed to do
this kind of thing in the house.

Theo, you know you're
gonna get in trouble.

Vanessa, I promised
Rudy I would play with her.

Quit being such a downer.

Okay. Have it your way.

Come on, Rudy.
Let's play in my room.

We don't need Miss Killjoy.

Yeah! Sour-head!

Someday, you'll appreciate
me for my wisdom.

Vanessa, someday I'll be
happy if I just appreciate you.

You're it!

Hi, Dad!

How you doin'?

- Did you go shopping?
- Yeah.

- Looks like you bought a lot.
- Yep.

[sighs]

Vanessa?

I could use some help, dear.

Yeah, would you
like me to help you?

Oh.

Vanessa?

Yeah?

Oh.

[thud]

[Rudy screams, starts crying]

That's Rudy.

[Rudy crying]

Shh! It's okay,
Rudy. Shh. It's okay...

I want Mommy. I want Mommy...

- Mommy!
- What happened?

- She fell.
- Give her to me. Here. Here.

Let me see here. Oh!
Now... Now, stop crying.

Stop crying. Okay, okay, okay.

[stammering] Take
your hand away.

Oh, Rudy, you look awful!

Oh, thanks a lot.
Will you be quiet?

No, no, you don't look
awful! You don't look awful!

I want to see a doctor.

I... I am a doctor, okay?

- No, you're not. You're Daddy.
- I understand that. Okay.

- I want Mommy.
- Mommy went away.

- She... She won't be back for a while.
- Then I'll wait.

No, no, no. Come on. I
gotta get a look at it. Here.

- Ow!
- No! I hadn't touched you yet!

Okay. Suppose I touch you
the way Mommy taught me.

- Okay.
- All right. Now.

- My hands are approaching your...
- Ow!

No no... I haven't
touched you yet.

Just come on here. I'm putting
my hand on top of your head.

All right? Now I'm puttin'
this one on top of this.

This one is free, all right?

Now I'm comin' in, just
want to take a look at it.

No, no. I haven't touched
you yet. Haven't touched you...

I'm touching your
face, by the way.

- Ow.
- No, no. It's too late, now.

Okay. Now all you've done is,
you've scraped your face there.

I don't think any
bones are broken.

You got a little cut there.

An upper lip... yes.

I'll get my bag. Be
back. Clean ya up.

All right? Okay.

Uh... keep an eye on her.

I told you guys not
to run in the house!

- We weren't running!
- Well, then how'd it happen?

- It was an accident!
- What were you doing?

Well, remember the
tumblers we saw at the circus?

The ones that pushed people up in
the air with their feet and then catch 'em?

Theo missed.

How could you do
that? She's a little kid!

I said it was an accident!

Right. Like the
time when I was six,

and you made me be
the human cannonball?

How was I supposed to know
you were gonna go that far?

What's a human cannonball?

Theo locked his
hands in front of him.

Then I put my foot in
his hands. He yells fire.

Throws me
straight up in the air.

I'm supposed to curl up in
a ball and land on the bed.

Except that Theo
throws me over the bed,

and I land on the dresser.

You opened up! You
weren't supposed to open up.

That was your
fault. I yelled, "Fire,"

and you panicked and
started waving your arms.

Rudy, never listen to him.
No matter how much fun

he says you're gonna
have, don't do it.

He's injured every
girl in this house.

Look. One of these days,
we're all gonna get together,

and we're gonna hurt you good.

Forget about that.

We've got to come
up with an excuse.

What do you mean, an excuse?

Well, remember how
much trouble we got into

when Dad found out we were
doing Human Cannonball?

We got grounded for two weeks.

I don't wanna get into trouble.

That's why we've
gotta be cool about this.

Wait, I got it!

If Dad asks what happened,

we'll just say you
fell off the bed.

Which is sort of true, because
you bounced off the bed

right after you hit the wall!

Wait a minute. You gotta
come up with more than that.

What if Dad asks what Rudy was
doing when she fell off the bed?

How about if we say she was
reaching for a book and she slipped?

What do you mean, we say?

I'm not saying anything.
I'm just an advisor.

Well, then, advise me!

Well, you're gonna have to say
Rudy hit her head on something

when she fell off the
bed, like... like a shoe!

No. A shoe wouldn't hurt.

How about if we say she hit
her head on one of my barbells?

That sounds good to me.

Okay. Rudy, remember. You were
on the bed. You reached for a book.

You slipped. Then you hit your
head on one of the barbells. Got it?

Okay.

Oh, thank you.

Hold on to this.

When I'm finished, you
put that ice on her face

to keep the swelling down.

What are you going to do to me?

I am going to
clean your face off

with some of the things in this bag
that I borrowed from a real doctor.

[laughing]

Good one, Dad.

Now... how did this happen?

Um... I slipped on a book,

and I hit my head on a shoe.

- Hmm.
- I missed you.

- Hmm!
- I finished my work as fast as I could,

so I could come
home and be with you.

Hmm. And I took a nap,

so that when you'd
come home, I'd be fresh.

[both laughing]

Are you fresh?

Farm fresh.

- Hi, Mommy.
- Hi, Rudy.

[oohing, laughing]

Oh, Rudy!

Are you all right?

- I fell.
- Cliff? What happened here?

Oh, she'll be all right, dear.

Face is a little swollen.
Maybe a little pain.

- But she's all right.
- Honey, how did you fall?

I slipped off Theo's bed.

Cliff, how did this happen?

I wasn't here when
it happened, dear.

You have to ask Theo.

Honey, what were you
doing when you fell?

I was reaching for a barbell,
and I fell on my shoes.

Rudy, go upstairs and tell
Theo to come down, please.

Okay, Mom.

Now, did you hear
that pitiful excuse?

She reached for a barbell
and fell on her shoes?

The child is obviously
not telling us the truth.

And whatever has happened,
I will bet that Theo is involved.

What did he have to say?

I... I didn't ask him anything.

Cliff, don't you want to
know how Rudy got hurt?

Now, dear, I've been living with
these children for 20 some odd years.

I don't ask 'em anything.
I just patch 'em up.

Hey, Mom. How was work today?

Fine. Theo, you were with Rudy at
the time of her accident. Is that correct?

Ha! Well, you see,
actually, I was with...

Just answer yes or no.

Well, yes.

Is this the result of
the human cannonball?

No, Mom. I promise you. It
was not the human cannonball.

All right, then what
were you doing?

- Uh, doing?
- When this happened.

Oh! [laughing]

You see, we were upstairs...

And may I remind you that there's a
stiff penalty for lying to your mother?

All right. We were
playing a circus,

and we were the tumblers.

And I threw Rudy in
the air with my feet,

and she hit a wall.

A wall?

I hit the wall.

You hit the wall with your face?

- Mm-hm.
- Oh, my poor baby.

Are you sure you're all right?

I can't breathe through my nose.

Cliff, now this is serious.
We have to call a doctor.

I told him to.

I think she'll be all right, dear.
She doesn't need a doctor.

Honey, call Dr. Collins.

She's gonna be fine. I don't
want to have to call Dr. Collins,

and have her open up
her office on a Saturday.

Okay, then I'll call
her. I'll have her meet

you at the emergency
room at the hospital.

Come on, Rudy. We're
going to the hospital.

- Good.
- Well, I'll come along.

No, Theo. That's all
right. You don't have to go.

Since you're so interested in
the circus, I'll let you join one.

The Huxtable Circus, and
you can start at the bottom.

This is the big top. And your job is to
clean the big top, from top to bottom.

You can start with
those windows over there.

And after that, you
can do the floors.

- Yes, Mom.
- Son? Look at it this way.

Here, no elephants.

[knock on door]

Yes?

- Hi, Mr. Howe.
- Ah, Dr. Huxtable. Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

You here to do a delivery?

Oh, no. My little
daughter bruised her face,

and I brought her in so
Dr. Collins could see her.

Please, please. Sit down.

Thank you. Thank you.

- You're here to talk about the layoffs.
- Right.

Now who do you want
me to put back on staff?

- Uh, Mrs. Granger.
- Oh, yes.

The lady who cleans
the doctor's lounge.

You know, you're the 12th
doctor who's asked me to keep her.

Well, good, because
she's fantastic.

Dr. Huxtable, I'm the
hospital administrator.

It's not my decision. The
board of directors ordered me

to cut 10 percent
of the hospital staff.

Yeah, but she's
been here 15 years.

Okay, Dr. Huxtable? Here. Now
you're me, and you're doing my job.

Take a look at this list.

Tell me who I should lay
off and who I should keep.

[chuckling] Come on, Mr. Howe.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm Dr. Huxtable.

You're Mr. Howe. Do your job.

All right, we'll
keep Mrs. Granger.

Fine. Now all you gotta do is
find somebody else to lay off.

Okay. George W. Beck.

Why George W. Beck?

Because I don't know him.

He's an orderly on
the Orthopedics floor.

- Mm-hm.
- Now 16 doctors have told me

that's he's crucial
to that department.

Well, then, you'd
better keep him.

You know I'm not a man who believes
in throwing people out on the street,

but this hospital serves
many low-income patients.

And when our funds get cut,
we've gotta do whatever we can

to insure that these people
continue to receive proper health care.

Unfortunately, you
can't argue with math.

Okay. Well, I'll just
keep thinking, then.

Good. If you have a
solution, come and see me.

- No waiting.
- All right.

- How's the wife?
- Just as feisty as ever.

Well, just make sure
you don't lay her off.

Hi! Dr. Huxtable!

Ah, Mrs. Granger.
Nice to see you.

I'm glad you're here.

- I brought some treats.
- Oh...

Ahh... cookies... oh.

Yeah, I have cookies,
and I have apples.

But first, we have to see
which you are gonna eat.

Uh-oh.

You're holding it in.

All right, but you're within
the limit. So you get cookies.

Good. Good. Good. What kind?

Those are peanut butter
chocolate chip with macadamia nuts.

All right! Well, these
should be eaten.

I hope you brought
some for the other doctors.

- You get two. That's it.
- Two? Oh, no.

- So...
- Uh-huh.

- How you doin'?
- I'm fine. How are you doing?

- Oh, great.
- And how is that grandson of yours?

Oh. The joy of my life.

I asked him, "What do you
want to be when you grow up?"

He says, "I wanna be a grandma."

And I said, "Why a grandma?"

He says, "Because.
Everybody loves grandmas.

And grandmas love to
give little kids presents."

- Now I'm no fool.
- Uh-huh.

I mean, I know that kid is trying to
con me into giving him a present.

- So did you get him one?
- Of course.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I love what he has to
say about grandmas.

Mm-hm. Well, what does he
have to say about grandpas?

Well, nothing. He's
never seen him.

Oh, well, I'm
sorry to hear that.

I'm not. My grandson
isn't missing anything.

You see, I got married to
my husband when I was 16.

Now that I didn't know.

Oh, yeah. I was pregnant, too.

And that you didn't know.

- 16?
- 16.

It took me five months
to tell my parents.

Well, the next morning,
my father took me and Enis,

and we stood there
in front of the judge.

It was some honeymoon.

Enis spent it
trying to find a job,

and I spent it trying to find an
apartment that we could afford.

So you didn't go
to Niagara Falls.

Oh, no. Ha ha.

Well, anyhow, the night
of our first anniversary,

Enis said to me, "Listen, honey.

"I'm goin' out to buy a pack
of cigarettes. I'll be right back."

Well, it must have been
one long line at that store,

because he never came back.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

For three days, my father
and I looked for that boy.

Suddenly, I realized,

what am I killing myself for?

I mean, why should I worry
about a piece of trash like that?

But... as the old saying goes,

"" Tis better to
have loved and lost

than never to
have loved at all."

- Shakespeare.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Oh.

He's an English poet.
Don't you know that?

- Back in the 1800s?
- Downtown.

[laughing]

You know, my daughter
taught me all about Tennyson.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

I worked at two jobs to
see that girl through school.

- Mm-hm.
- Every penny went into her education.

And then she used to
come home at night...

- Mm-hm.
- With all the books that she had studied.

She'd sit me down, and she'd
say, "Mom, you have to read this."

Good for her.

I not only got educated,

but that girl
graduated in the top

[both] one percent of her class.

- Did I tell you that?
- No.

Well, my daughter
is a college professor

and her husband Jake
is an electrical engineer.

And he doesn't smoke.

So he won't be going
out for any cigarettes.

[both laughing]

You better believe it.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- Aww...

I heard about the cutbacks.

Is there anything I
can help you with?

- Nope.
- Okay.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I'm not sure. At
first, I was a little afraid.

But then my daughter says,

"Mom, you're a bright,
intelligent woman."

Well, I couldn't
disagree with that.

But then she says, "Since you
paid for me to go through college,

"how about if I pay for
you to go through college?"

- I love it. I love it!
- Oh, come on...

- No, I love it.
- Get out.

Can you see me boppin'
around a college campus?

- Yes!
- Yeah? Sitting in a classroom?

- Yes!
- With my grandson on my back,

feeding him homemade cookies?

It would be beautiful. Yes!

Yeah, I can see that.

Mm-hm.

I mean, I'm not saying that
I'm definitely going to school.

- Mm-hm.
- But I'll tell you one thing,

for the first time in my life, I am
in charge of what I am going to do.

- Mm-hm.
- I am the master of my fate.

- Mm-hm.
- I am the captain of my soul.

Who said that?

Uh... Alfred Lord Tennyson.

- Buddy Rich.
- [cackling]

Who said it?

- Look it up.
- Oh, look it up.

- Okay.
- Well, I am gonna miss you.

Yeah. Oh, uh... listen.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Cookies are on me.

[sighs]

- Uh, excuse me. Dr. Huxtable?
- Yes, sir.

You don't know me, but
my name is Warren Davis.

I'm in laundry service. This is
my last day. They just laid me off.

Yes, well, I'm sorry.

Well, I hear you
went to Mr. Howe

to get Mrs. Granger
her job back.

Yes, I did. Yes.

Well, it's all over the hospital, and I
heard you beat him up real bad, too.

Well... no, I didn't...

Well, that's exactly what
I want you to do for me.

Well, Mr. Davis, see, I...

Go down there, and
tell him about me.

Now, the name
is Warren L. Davis.

- Okay.
- All I want is my job back.

Ah, Mr. Davis, I
talked to Mr. Howe,

and he said she
has to go anyway.

- What?
- I said,

I went down there, and
I talked to Mr. Howe,

and Mr. Howe said, "I'm sorry,

I'm gonna have to let
Mrs. Granger go, also."

Oh. Well, then, don't
say nothin' for me then,

because you the wrong man.

I'm gonna go and see
if I can find Dr. Ross,

because somebody's
gonna tell me something,

'cause I ain't
got my job back...

There ya go! We're home.

[Clair] Rudy! How are you?

[Rudy] Fine.

Dr. Collins said it was
just a little swelling.

No broken bones.
Nothing important.

Same thing another doctor
said, who will remain nameless,

before he was
put out of the joint.

- I think you look beautiful.
- Thanks.

You should have seen her, dear.

She was so great. We went
into the emergency room there,

and she went right up,
gave her name, her address,

knew her phone
number and her zip code.

Oh, good for you. And where
did you get that lovely hat?

- It was a present.
- All the nurses chipped in

and bought the hat, and took her
out, and gave her lunch and everything.

And she almost got out of the hospital
with some doctor's reflex hammer.

- I had a good time.
- I would say so.

Why don't you take
your things upstairs?

- Get ready for a nap, okay?
- Okay.

All right. I'm gonna come up
later, and see how you're doing.

- All right!
- Do me a favor, please, miss?

If anybody wants to make
a cannonball out of you

and bounce you off of a wall,
you send 'em down here first.

- I'll bounce them.
- Okay.

[sighs]

Well... I saw Mrs.
Granger this afternoon.

Well, how's she taking it?

Are you kidding me? Her daughter's
gonna put her through college.

- Stop it!
- Listen. I'm tellin' you.

She's gonna go to
college. Her daughter said,

"Mom, since you worked two jobs,

"and sent me through college,
now that you're not working,

I'm gonna send
you through college."

And she said she just might go.

- That's wonderful!
- Mm-hm. Yes.

I was thinking about asking
her daughter to come down here,

and talk to our children.

Cliff, we've already
been through college.

That's all right. I'm willing
to settle for the cash.

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