The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 17 - Calling Doctor Huxtable - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

[affecting gruff voice]
Um, pardon me, ma'am.

Uh, have you seen my daughter?

- Where'd you get that?
- What?

You couldn't wait to go into Denise's
closet before you would pull out her wigs.

You love it now she's
away at college, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

So what's so funny?

Tommy Turtle. Oh.



He's hilarious. Oh, really?

What's hilarious about him?

He lives in a swamp
with all his friends.

Ah, yeah, well...

He was on his way to a picnic
and he got stuck in the mud.

All right. Well,
that... That is funny.

That's not the funny part.

Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry.

Alan the Alligator walks
by and steps on his head.

Well, that is funny.

That's not the
funny part either.

Hmm? Oh.

I'm sorry, it isn't?

The funny part is Tommy Turtle says,
"Hey you, I could have done that myself."



[phone ringing]

Huxtable residence.

Yes, Mrs. Gregory.

How far apart are they?

Okay, I'm on my way over.

All right. Bye-bye.

On my way to the hospital.

Have a good baby.

Get it?

Who made that up? Tommy Turtle?

Nope, I made it up.

Oh. [laughs]

- I'm on my way to the hospital, son.
- All right, Dad.

All right, I'm putting
you in charge of Rudy

until your mom comes back
from the community center.

Okay. All right.

What are you doing?

I'm getting the loose
change from the couch.

Really? Any luck?

So far, I've got $1.63.

Oh, good. When you finish, you
go upstairs and put it on my dresser.

But, Dad, I found the change.

But that's the couch where I take
naps. That's my change that fell out.

Yeah, but, Dad, I take
naps on the couch too.

But you don't have money
to fall out of your pockets.

Well, now I have $1.63.

[doorbell chiming]

Hi. Hey, Dr. Huxtable.

Hello, Janet. How are you? Okay.

This is my friend Althea Logan.

Nice to meet you. Hello.
Pleased to meet you.

I'm sorry I can't stay. I'm
on my way to the hospital.

Althea later. Get it? Get it?

Tommy Turtle made that up.

Althea, thea, thea.

Hi, Theo.

Hi.

Uh, this is my
friend Althea Logan.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Is Vanessa in her room?

Yeah.

Come on, Althea.

You were right,
Janet. He is cute.

[sirens blaring]

Okay, very good.
Thank you, Nancy.

You're welcome, doctor.

Now this is a real hospital.
You know how I know?

Because Dr. Eckerd, my
favorite resident, is on board.

Hello, Dr. Huxtable.

- How are you, doctor?
- I'm okay.

Mrs. Gregory was
admitted at 10:05.

She's in birthing
room number one.

I checked her.

She's seven centimeters dilated
and the vertex is at station minus two.

Ah, you see, you're a gentleman
who's still writing things down.

You're on the case.

Oh, I plan to continue
writing the rest of my life.

Really? It's my job.

Uh-huh.

What color was
her overnight bag?

I don't know. Uh-huh.

You call yourself a doctor?

You'd better get
it together, son.

Right, sir. Let's go.

[clears throat] I
think it was green.

No, no, it doesn't count
now. Green doesn't count.

Hi, Karen. How are you doing?

Not as well as I will
be this time tomorrow.

Aw.

Dr. Huxtable, I'd like you to
meet my father Clayton Lee.

How are you, Mr. Lee?

Hello. Hello.

Uh, Mr. Lee, are you
going to be all right?

No, I'm miserable. Oh.

My father's not too happy
about being here for the delivery.

And I wouldn't be here if her husband
Chuck hadn't gotten stationed in Iceland.

- I see.
- I'd never had a baby before.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, my wife and
I have three children,

but those were the days when they
didn't let men in the delivery room.

I understand. The good old days.

[Cliff laughs]

Have you gone to any classes?

I went to her last two.

Okay, that's fine.

The stuff they show you
in there, those movies,

I don't know if my
heart can take this.

Mr. Lee, do you have
a heart condition?

Not yet.

Dad, you don't have
anything to worry about.

I'll be right here next to
you through the whole thing.

Thanks, I appreciate
the support.

[shallow breathing]

Ooh, and there she goes.

Okay, in, out. At a girl.

That keeps happening.

It's... It's going to, sir, because...
Or else the baby won't be born.

When will that be?

Two to four hours.

So soon? Well, yeah.

[wheezing] Pop,
are you all right?

I'm fine, there's just not
enough air in this room.

Mr. Lee, you're
hyperventilating.

- Is that bad?
- It's bad if you do it during delivery.

Uh, listen, we're
going to take your pulse

and your blood pressure
just as a precaution.

I didn't bring my checkbook.

Don't... Don't worry about
it. This is on Dr. Eckerd.

Take... Take him
outside. Take him out.

You'll be fine. I'll be back.

Don't start without me.

He's, uh... He's kind of cute.

You... [laughs]

Do you think he's going to
make it through the delivery?

Don't worry about Pop at
all. He does this all the time.

He breathed like
that at my graduation.

He breathed like
that at my wedding.

He breathes like that every
time he sees Gone with the Wind.

Brian's moving?

That's what I heard.

Oh, no. Now he won't be
able to see my new look.

What new look?

The one Althea
put together for me.

It took me a whole week.

I had to read a
lot of magazines.

Here's the hair. Oh, great hair!

And look at this dress.

Fabulous.

Check out these shoes, Vanessa.

[laughing] Wait a second.

This is an ad for
dishwashing detergent.

Yeah, but look at the
shoes the model's wearing.

Oh, you're right!

They'll go perfect with
the hair and the dress.

I know.

I'm going to be a fashion
consultant when I grow up.

What are you doing?

Oh, I thought I'd smoke a
cigarette. Do you want one?

No.

- Janet?
- No, thanks.

Okay.

Althea, I don't think you
should smoke in here.

- Well, why not?
- Because my parents won't like it.

But they're not here.

My older brother is.

Don't worry. He'll never know.

What's that? A smoke eater.

It absorbs smoke.

And what the smoke
eater doesn't get, this will.

Ew! Ugh!

How long have you been smoking?

Only a couple of days.

I can't inhale yet, but I love
the way it makes me look.

You really don't
look that different.

Well, I feel different.

Look, Althea, don't light that.

Why not?

Because I don't want
you smoking in here.

You're infringing on my
right not to get in trouble.

What?

I have a right to be in my house,
in my room, and not be in trouble.

I wouldn't go over to your
house and get you in trouble

without your permission.

Vanessa, don't worry. You're
not going to get in trouble.

Nobody's going to know.

Are you sure?

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll just take a couple of
puffs and then I'll put it out.

Well, they have
to be tiny, tiny puffs

and you have to blow the
smoke directly into this thing

and spray
immediately afterwards.

Dr. Huxtable. Yes, sir.

You wouldn't believe the
patient that just came in.

- And she's yours.
- Really?

Oh, I had trouble convincing her and
her husband to go into the birthing room.

They insisted on handing
out gifts to all of the staff.

This one's for you. Ah-hah.

[chuckling] Mm!

Banana bread.

Mr. and Mrs. Schrader.

Right, and that lady
and her husband

seem to be friends with
everybody that works here.

Well, if you come here eight times, I
guess you would have a lot of friends.

She has eight children?

Nine. The last
time she had twins.

This is a fun couple. Come on.

Three of diamonds, you need it?

Yeah.

[groans]

[measured breathing]

Right on schedule.

Cap Schrader.

- Hi there, doctor.
- Hey.

- Every five minutes.
- Mm-hmm.

[exhales slowly]

Be right with you, Dr. Huxtable.

[Cliff] That's all right.

Which one should I
discard? Uh, that one.

I thought you were
supposed to call me.

We called your house but
Rudy said you were already here,

so we thought we'd just show up.

Oh, I like that new furniture
in the downstairs lobby.

We try to change
the furniture around

for our regular customers,
keep them from getting bored.

So, every five minutes?

Yeah. We got plenty
of time, Dr. Huxtable.

Why don't you sit down,
have some banana bread.

Thank you very much.

Nancy, will you go over and
check on Mrs. Gregory, please?

I certainly will, Dr. Huxtable.

And I'll be over in a minute
to check on her father.

Very good, Dr. Eckerd.

I like her.

Yeah, she's a good nurse.

I have a feeling
Dr. Eckerd likes her too.

Oh, really?

Is that true, Dr. Eckerd?

Well, she's very efficient.

Good answer.

Dr. Eckerd, I saw the way you
two were looking at each other.

There's more than
efficiency at work here.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Well, now... now,
come on, come on.

- Come out with it.
- Out with what?

I mean, our relationship is
strictly on a professional level.

That's too bad, because I can tell that
Nancy definitely has her eyes on you.

You can?

I have a pretty good
instinct about these things.

You better pay
attention to her instincts.

Nine children.

Maybe we shouldn't
be discussing this.

I... I agree, I agree.

Stop picking on Dr. Eckerd.

Okay, everybody agree on that?

Fine, all right. Fine.

So when are you
going to ask her out?

- Right.
- I'm not!

Dr. Huxtable? Yes.

Aren't you covering
for Dr. Brushett?

Sure.

Well, then, you
have another patient.

- Oh, okay.
- Birthing room number three.

You have three patients
delivering at the same time?

Sure, I can handle that.

Don't worry about us.

If you get too busy, we'll
do this one ourselves.

All right.

Just make sure you
send me the check, okay?

Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Miron?

- Sí.
- I'm Dr. Huxtable.

This is Dr. Eckerd. I'm
standing in for Dr. Brushett.

Now how... how are you feeling?

[both speaking Spanish]

Dr. Huxtable, I speak Spanish.

Oh, well, then hit it.

Buenos dias.

Buenos dias?

I could have said "bueno dias."

[speaking Spanish]

They're from Venezuela. They've
been here about two months.

He's here on business.

[speaking Spanish]

I told them you
were their doctor.

Okay, just tell them
I'm a good doctor.

El Dr. Huxtable un doctor bueno.

No, muy.

Muy bueno.

And tell them I'm
better than you are.

El Dr... No, no
I'm just kidding.

[speaking Spanish]

Dr. Brushett told them a
lot of good things about you.

That's right. Okay.

Um, how... how far apart

are the, um... the things?

You know, the...
[sputtering, stammering]

Um, in the tiempo
el mal... [groaning]

Ah, contracciones.

Contracciones. There you go.

There you go. Contracciones

[speaking Spanish]

- Six minutes.
- Six minutes?

Just tell them,
welcome to America

and that the next member
of their family will be a citizen.

[speaking Spanish]

All right. Bye-bye.

[speaking Spanish] Yes, yes.

Yeah, and somebody
should really tell her.

She looks so much
better in long skirts.

Althea, that's your
second cigarette; no more.

Okay, I wasn't going to
have any more anyway.

Vanessa, I wouldn't worry
too much. I can hardly smell it.

[banging on door]

[Theo] Vanessa,
what's going on in there?

Nothing!

[Theo] Then how come I smell
cigarette smoke in the hallway?

- Let me in here.
- Uh, just a second!

[whispering] See, I knew it!

Don't worry. This'll
take care of it.

[Theo] Vanessa,
Dad left me in charge.

I am the law.

Hold on! I'm
coming! [door rattling]

[Theo] Vanessa, you
have five seconds.

A thousand-one,
a thousand-two...

I smell cigarette
smoke in my sweater.

[coughing] [Theo] Vanessa!

[banging on door] Open the door!

Okay, okay, I will!

[Theo] A thousand-four,
a thousand-five.

Vanessa.

Ooh.

Using that spray
doesn't hide anything.

Theo, it wasn't me.

Look, I don't care who
was doing the smoking.

Just please, please
don't do it in here.

I'm telling you, it's going
to cause major problems.

How would you know?

Dad caught me and Cockroach
smoking in my room once.

He yelled so loud I still
have cracks in my wall,

so please don't do it in here.

If you love me, you'll stop.

Okay, Althea?

What's going on in here?

Nothing, Rudy.

Vanessa, have you been smoking?

No. You mean you can
smell cigarette smoke?

All the way downstairs.

You see, this is all your fault.
You just had to have a cigarette.

You know, cigarettes
aren't good for you.

They make your breath stink...

your lungs dirty,
and then you die.

Okay, okay, so I won't
smoke in your house anymore.

And smoking can
cause forest fires.

That's why you never
see animals smoking.

Rudy, I think she
gets the message.

Come on.

None of my friends smoke.

Hi, Mr. Lee.

Is it time? No, no, no, no.

I... I was just saying "hi."

Just saying "hi." Oh, hi.

[chuckling] Yeah, hi.

My daughter thought I
should stay out here for a while.

Uh-huh. Well, you
going to be okay?

Oh, sure. All right.

Tell me, doctor, do
you do this every day?

I'm... I'm here quite a bit.

Whoo! [chuckles]

It's very simple.

She's going to breathe,
you're going to breathe.

She's going to push,
you're going to breathe,

I'm going to do what's left.

You mean that stuff I
saw on those movies?

Yeah, but you've been
in this position before.

Your wife had three children.

No, I didn't see it.

They wheeled my wife away.

And when they wheeled her back,
she was smiling, holding a baby.

[laughing]

Okay. All right.

Your daughter said to me
that if you don't feel like it,

it's all right.

No, I want to be in there.

All right. Now... Now, you sure?

I'm with her all the way.

You feel okay?

And if she asked me,
I'd have the baby for her.

Yeah, well, you're going to have
to get a different doctor for that.

Hey, tea time! Yeah.

I hope you like
cinnamon delight.

I hate cinnamon delight.

I also have snappy apple.

No, just bring me a cup
of warm water, please.

Any updates?

I checked everybody out.
Mrs. Schrader will go first.

But wait, Dr. Huxtable.

Mrs. Gregory's fully dilated.

The station is plus one.

I hate to contradict, but
she's going to go first.

Mrs. Schrader's
been here eight times.

I know the Schrader babies.
When they see daylight, they run.

Oh. So it's your
experience against my data?

Excuse me,
Dr. Huxtable. I think room...

Ah! Wait one second.

Is it Mrs. Schrader?

Yes.

[whistles] I'll be
there in a minute.

Okay. And will you be
assisting, Dr. Eckerd?

Yes, Nance.

Uh, Dr. Eckerd?

You just called her "Nance."

No, I didn't.

What did he just call you?

Nance, but I don't think
he meant anything by it.

- Did you?
- I didn't mean anything by it.

- I'm not the one who said it.
- I didn't mean it.

Now why would you
even bring that up?

I didn't do anything.
Mrs. Schrader's waiting.

Hi, Dad. Hey, hi.

How did things
go at the hospital?

Everything went just fine.

Brought back some banana
bread, delivered three babies.

Do you want to know
how things went at home?

Well, how'd things go at home?

Something happened
while you were gone.

What?

Dad, I tried to stop her, but I
couldn't. I just didn't know what to do.

What happened?

Althea smoked in my room.

Smoked what?

Two cigarettes.

The kind you buy in the store?

Yeah.

Did you smoke any of them?

No. I told her to put
them out, but she wouldn't.

Okay.

Okay?

That's all you're going to say?

Yeah. Come here.

Come here.

Listen, you're 13.

Thirteen.

You got a lot of things.

You got cigarettes,
you got drugs,

you got what lipstick
to wear, you got boys,

you got to make up your mind
about peer pressure, good and bad.

And, listen, sometimes you
may not know what to do.

- You're not mad?
- No.

But Theo said when you caught him
and Cockroach smoking in his room,

you yelled so loud
you cracked the walls.

Yes, because those two
fools were upstairs smoking.

I went up and knocked on the door,
and I don't know what they were thinking.

"Just a minute, just a
minute, just a minute, please."

[sputtering]

And then I hear all
this, so I open the door.

Now they're smoking.
The room's so thick.

And I don't... They put the
cigarettes under the bed.

The cigarettes are still
burning. Smoke is coming out.

And they're sitting like,

[slurring] "How you doing, Dad?"

"Hi, Dr. Huxtable."

I asked them a dumb question.

I said, "Have you been smok...?"

"No! No!"

Smoke coming out of the
sides of their mouth, you know?

So I said, "Come here." I
said, "Let me smell your breath."

I smelled their breath. I said,
"What is that on your breath?"

"Oh, we've been eating
some really strong beef jerky."

So they're lucky I didn't crack
more than just the walls yelling.

Dad, thanks for understanding.

As long as you understand
that with this family

your honesty is important,
your love is important,

and while you're 13, you'll
be a pain in the behind.

[chuckling]

♪♪ [swing]

Clair.

Hi, Cliff.

It's 2:00 in the morning, dear.

I know.

What are you doing up?

Honey, I couldn't sleep, so I decided
to come down and try to do some work.

Be honest now.
Was... Was I snoring?

Like a buzz saw.

Why didn't you turn me over?

I did.

I turned you over, I turned you
around, and then you turned me out.

I never leave you
when you're snoring.

That's because I don't snore.

Hah!

Are you kidding me?

When the head is back, mouth wide
open, little camel flies flying around,

and just... [snorting loudly]

Well, come on now.
Come on and go to bed.

Cliff, I'm sorry.
I'm just not sleepy.

♪♪ [soft jazz]

[turns up music]

[turns off stereo]

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[Woman] The Cosby Show was
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