The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 14 - Rudy Spends the Night - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

[phone ringing]

Huxtable residence.

Yeah, Denise is home.

Is this an important phone call?

Oh, well, how long
do you plan to talk?

Well, can you at
least give me a guess?

Okay, well, listen, it would
really help me out a lot

if you could make
it shorter than that.



Yeah. Thanks.

I'll get her.

Denise, phone!

[Denise] Okay, thanks!

I guess you're
wondering what I'm doing.

Well, you see, I'm
trying to keep the line free

because I'm expecting a
very important phone call.

Tanya.

No, Tanya and I broke up.

Yes, yes. Now I remember.

Randi Taylor.

Randi went back
to her old boyfriend.

Condola... Condola Burns.

No, it didn't quite
work out with Condola.



Well, then, who is it, boy?

Maxine Kirkwood.

Maxine!

But I'm not
interested in Maxine.

I'm interested in her
best friend Lana Herman.

Lana Herman? Yeah.

Whoo! Sounds like the name
of an international movie star.

She could be, Dad.

You see, she and Maxine
are studying tonight,

and Maxine said if they need
help, they would give me a call.

[laughs]

They haven't called yet?

No.

You see, I've never talked
to Lana before, but I want to.

Why?

Because she has it.

She has it?

Right.

What it?

Dad, it's hard to explain.

But when I see her
walk down the hall...

Uh-huh... You say, "That's it."

- Okay.
- That's right.

You say, "That's it." Okay.

So, now, Tanya doesn't have it.

Oh, no.

- And Randi doesn't have it?
- No.

No, and Condola doesn't have it.

- No.
- No.

So what did they do?
Did they give it to Lana?

Well, now, that's
a different story.

I sure hope that Lana
calls before she loses it.

So do I.

- Daddy, I'm ready.
- Huh?

Rudy, have a good time at
Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Oh, hey, my
goodness, wait a minute.

Now, look, hold
tight there, farmer.

When I packed this bag,
it was not this full, ma'am.

I put some more things in.

Will you look at
all of this stuff?

What is this in here for?

They're my necessities.

Oh.

I beg your pardon. These
are your necessities?

Yes, things that I need.

And do you need all
of these necessities?

Why don't you just
take one necessity?

Then the other
two will be lonely.

What happened to the
tooth brush, the pajamas,

and the comb and brush
that I packed for you?

There wasn't enough room.

Okay, I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We're going to go back upstairs.

I'll get another suitcase, and we can
put the non-essentials into it. Okay?

- Daddy?
- Yes?

Do Grandma and Grandpa
know how to take care of little kids?

Of course they do.

They brought me up. And
how do you think I turned out?

Tall.

Tall?

Come on.

- Hey.
- Who was on the phone?

Oh, Jeanette.

She's gonna bring some friends down from
NYU, and we're gonna meet in the Village.

The Village?

Oh, I hear it's so
great down there.

You guys are gonna
have a lot of fun.

Hey, want to come with us?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You want me to go
with you to the Village?

Yes.

I don't believe this.

Hanging out in the Village with
you and your friends, being cool.

I must be dreaming.

But what are your friends gonna say
when you show up with your little sister?

Well, we just won't tell
'em you're my little sister.

I mean, look at you.
You're taller than I am.

We'll tell 'em
you're in college.

Can I be from UCLA?

Sure.

Can I be in med school?

Now you're pushing it.

Okay, okay, I'll be a freshman.

What should I wear?

Well, we're going to the Village,
so we should look extra funky.

Okay, how do I do that?

Well, there's only one way.

Dad's closet.

You want to ask Dad to
borrow some of his clothes?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're not gonna ask Dad.

We're just gonna go into
his closet and take them.

I don't know, Denise.

Vanessa, college!

Nightlife.

The Village.

Get funky.

Dad is going to be angry.

We'll put them back
before he even notices.

Or we won't return them at all.

He forgets what's in his closet.

- He does?
- Yeah.

How do you think
I got this sweater?

[phone ringing]

[ringing]

[officiously]
Huxtable residence.

Lana?

Lana who?

Well, Lana, what's
wrong with your voice?

You have a cold.

Cockroach, this is the worst
imitation I've ever heard.

Well, no, she hasn't called yet, and
I'm trying to keep the line free. Okay?

So good-bye.

Hey. I'm taking Rudy over
to Grandma and Grandpa's.

I'll be back shortly, okay?

Okay.

What's the matter with you?

Dad, I don't think
Lana's ever gonna call.

Don't be depressed
about it, okay?

Because Vanessa and Denise
are going down to Greenwich Village.

I'm taking Rudy over to
Grandma and Grandpa's house.

I will come back,

and it'll just be the two of us,
the Huxtable men, here... together.

Sounds good.

What we'll do is we will have the first
meeting of the Huxtable Men's Club.

No women allowed.

All right?

And what I'll do is,
I'll go out and I'll rent

some black-and-white cowboy
pictures, you understand.

And then I'll go over to the White
House, and we'll get some hoagies.

Huh? And load up.

All right. I could go
for some hoagies.

All right. Good. Hoagies.

But, Dad, you know Mom
doesn't like you eating that stuff.

Your mother's 500 miles away
at Hillman. You understand?

And one of the main rules
of the Huxtable Men's Club

is whatever you eat is a secret.

The secret will remain
locked within me.

Mon frère.

Mon frère.

Wait, Dad.

You know what
else you should get?

- What?
- Near Beer.

Near Beer?

Well, yeah. You know
the stuff that looks like beer

and tastes like beer,
but it has no alcohol in it.

What do you want that for?

Well, I figured that since this is a
men's club, we should do what men do.

I'll bring back a big
jug of grape juice.

We'll have some... near wine.

[doorbell ringing]

Open the door!

[Anna] I'll get it, I'll get it.

Heathcliff, Heathcliff.

Ha ha!

I was standin' outside, and
this little girl came up to me

with her luggage in her hand
and said, "I need a home."

Well, she's got one right here.

Grandma! Grandpa!

[All laughing] Mmm!

Rudy, did you bring
your appetite with you?

Yes, Grandma!

Oh, I hope you
won't be disappointed,

because I thought we'd
have spaghetti for dinner.

Are you kidding?
I love spaghetti.

And I'm afraid that I only have
corn on the cob to go with it.

Are you kidding? I
love corn on the cob!

And I hope you don't
mind that for dessert

we only have chocolate cake.

Are you kidding? I
love chocolate cake!

Are you kidding? This
child may never leave here.

Then we'll just keep her here.

Yes. All right, hon.

I'm gonna go now. All right?

Oh! Why don't you
stay for a little while?

No, no, I can't stay.

I have to get back
to Theo. All right?

- All right.
- Okay. Gimme a kiss.

- [raspberry]
- Thank you very much.

I'll come by and pick you
up in the morning. Okay?

Drive safely.

Wear your seatbelt.

Wear... are you kidding?
Of course, wear my seatbelt.

Are you kidding?

I have to go with Daddy.

Why?

He might get scared.

Oh, why would he get scared?

Because sometimes there's
a monster in his closet,

and I have to come
and scare it away.

Oh. Well, maybe
Theo will help your dad.

The monster's
not afraid of Theo.

Well, we don't have any
monsters in our closets,

so there's nothin' to
worry about in this house.

That's right. I'll take
your bags upstairs,

and you can get settled.

What if Bobo and
his friends get scared?

You brought your
stuffed animals?

Yes. They said they
might get scared.

Maybe I should take them home.

Well, how about if I talk to
them and make them feel better?

No. They'll only
feel better at home.

Rudy, I'll make you a deal.

I'll talk to your
stuffed animals,

and if they're still
afraid and want to leave,

we'll take all of you
home. A Il right?

All right. Let's go.

You sure there's no
monsters upstairs?

I promise there's not.

[chuckles]

♪♪ [horror movie soundtrack]

See you later, Theo!

Why are you two
dressed like that?

'Cause we're
going to the Village.

Well, those are Dad's clothes.
If he sees you, you're in trouble.

Well, that's why we're
not gonna let him see us.

Wait, Vanessa. That's my tie!

Looks better on me.

Give her a break, Theo. If you want,
you can wear something out of her closet.

[laughing]

Right.

Have a nice time, gentlemen.

And, Vanessa, please
don't spill anything on my tie.

Are we gonna drive down there?

Oh, no, we're gonna
take the subway.

The D train lets us off right
in the middle of the Village.

- Oh, great.
- Are you expecting someone?

- Hello?
- Hi. Does Theo Huxtable live here?

Yeah, this is where he lives.

- Oh, good.
- He's our brother.

I'm Denise, and this is Vanessa.

Hi. I'm Maxine Kirkwood, and
this is my friend, Lana Herman.

Oh, hi. Come in.

Take off your coats.

Did Theo invite you over?

No. We just thought
we'd surprise him.

Oh. [laughs] He'll be surprised.

- I'll go tell him you're here.
- Thanks.

Have a seat.

[Denise] Come on, Vanessa.

[excited squeal]

Theo? Guess who's
in the living room.

- Who?
- Lana Herman.

[starts laughing]

Yeah, right.

No, she is. And she brought
her friend, Maxine Kirkwood.

And they both want to
take me dancing, right?

They're in there, Theo. Honest.

Then how come I didn't
hear the doorbell ring?

Well, because just as we were walking
out, they were walking up the stairs.

[laughing] Is that the
best you two can do?

Theo! It's the truth!

Listen. This isn't funny.

You cannot joke around when it
comes to a woman like Lana Herman.

Okay.

- Hi, Theo.
- Hi, Theo. I guess we surprised you.

Mm-hmm!

Well, Theo... we're off.

Enjoy your evening.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Oh, same here.

[All] Bye! Bye-bye.

You see, I have this on
because tonight's Men's night.

- [both] Oh.
- See, it's the...

this is the first one
we've ever had,

and I planned to
eat a hoagie in this,

but I think I would much
rather go upstairs and change

so we can do our homework. Okay?

So you guys just
keep... help yourself...

at home, or get... the peanut butter's
there, and the celery's in the kitchen.

Just don't leave.

[Russell] And Rudy's grandmother
and I have always loved animals,

so, Bobo, Trouts, and Marsha,

if you wanted to stay, we'll
show you the time of your life.

That's right. How do
they look to you now?

They still look scared. I think
they really want to go home.

Okay. We tried.

Do you think we should
take them home now,

or after she's
had her spaghetti?

After the spaghetti.

Okay. But before we eat,

do you know what would be fun?

Looking at some family pictures.

Good idea. Is that all
right with you, Rudy?

- Sure.
- Well, come on over.

Now, most of these
pictures were taken

when we'd only been
married for a few years.

That's right.

Rudy, do you know who
that little boy is in that picture?

- No.
- That's your daddy, when he was five.

- [laughing]
- He looks funny.

He always made a goofy
face when he saw a camera.

Rudy, this was our first car.

A DeSoto. We posed in front
of it, right after we drove home.

[both laughing]

We look pretty good here, Anna!

We sure do.

That's a pretty hat, Grandma.

Thank you. That was
high fashion back then.

Especially if you
were a hipster.

- What's that?
- A hipster was someone

who knew the latest
dances and the latest sayings

and wore the latest clothes.

We could straighten
up and fly right.

Are you hip to the jive?

- Solid.
- Then slip me some skin.

[laughing]

Beautiful!

Could I have some skin, Grandpa?

Absolutely. Beautiful!

Beautiful!

Russell, I think we got
a hipster in our midst.

I believe you're right.

Rudy! I think I
still have that hat

up in the closet, upstairs.

You wanna go up and try it on?

[whispering] Yes!

Come on. And maybe I
can find some accessories

to go with it, and
we'll come down

and model for Grandpa.

- Rudy?
- Yes, Grandpa?

I'll plant you now
and dig you later.

Beautiful!

[everybody laughs]

You know, if you ask me, Mr. Pierce
is the hardest teacher in math.

Yeah! If you hand in an
assignment and don't put the date on,

he takes off two points!

Don't you think
he's tough, Lana?

Mm-hmm. [stammers] Yeah.

Lana, don't you think you
should go call your mom?

- Why?
- Just to let her know

that we're at Theo's house
so she won't be worried.

- Okay.
- You can use this phone.

Oh... is there another phone?

- In the kitchen.
- Why don't you use that one,

so you won't disturb
us while we study?

Okay.

Excuse me.

Theo, Lana is really nice.

Yeah.

We've been best friends forever.

She can be kind of shy,
but once you get to know her,

she can be a lot of fun.

- And she's a great dancer.
- Really.

Yeah. So why don't
you ask her out?

- Do what?
- Ask her out. Lana likes you.

She does?

Theo, why do you think
we came over here?

Well, to get help
with your math.

Why would we do that, when we
get higher grades in math than you do?

Well, I guess you're right.

- Do you like Lana?
- Yeah!

Good. Then when she
comes back in here,

ask her out on a date!

- And what if she says no?
- She won't.

- How do you know?
- Because I know.

- Mom wasn't worried at all.
- Oh, good.

Excuse me.

What problem were we on?

- Page 165, problem 26.
- [Maxine, coughing]

[whispering] Theo.

Lana, would you
like to go out with me?

- On a date?
- Yeah.

I'd love to.

- You would?
- Yeah!

Actually, I've been wanting to
go out with you for a long time.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I never thought
you were interested.

Well, I was. You
never tried to talk to me.

Well, you never
tried to talk to me.

Well, that's because
you never looked at me.

Oh, I was looking. I
just pretended not to.

How come you never looked at me?

Well, because I knew you were
going out with Tanya Simpson.

So? You were going
out with George Dutton.

I only went to one
dance with George.

Well, I broke up with Tanya.

Yeah, but then you
started dating Randi.

That's because I heard Chug
Jordan asked you to go steady.

- Well, I said no!
- Well, I heard you said yes!

- No! I said no.
- [Maxine] Wait a minute, you guys.

Forget all that. When are
you two guys going out?

How 'bout tomorrow night?

Oh, I can't. I made plans.

What plans?

Well, I told my family I
would go out with them.

Okay. What about
Sunday afternoon?

Sunday afternoon sounds perfect.

- [Maxine] Good.
- It's good for me!

Okay.

Where should we go?

Whew. Go to a movie!

- Good idea.
- Yeah!

Well, you want to come with us?

Yeah! Come along!

No, thanks. You guys
are on your own now.

- [Anna] Russell, are you ready?
- Sure am.

Well!

Well, look at this.

Well, now, how do you like
your sophisticated ladies?

Mmm. You're the cat's meow.

- What is that?
- It means sharp as a tack.

In fact, when I see ladies
look as good as you,

it's hard for the
gentleman to resist

asking them to cut a rug.

What does that mean?

It means, may I have this dance?

'Course.

Anna, would you turn
the record player on?

Solid.

♪♪ ['30s dance hall jazz]

[both] Hi!

Yeah, I live here.

[laughing] We're
friends of Theo's.

- I'm Maxine Kirkwood.
- I'm Lana Herman.

Well. Lana Herman.

I guess my son is
somewhere in this house,

in a good mood.

Yeah, he's in the
kitchen, making popcorn.

Yes. All right. Thank
you. Uh, have a sit-down.

[humming] La-da-dee dee dee...

- Hey.
- Hey, Dad.

- How ya doin'?
- Did you see who's in the living room?

What you talkin' about?
There's nobody in the living room.

You mean they left?!

Please! Wait! Don't go!

Wait. Come here.

I was just kidding. I didn't know you
were gonna run over your own father.

Dad, I didn't call them.

They just came over. They said they
wanted to come over to talk about math,

but that's not the reason they came over.
They came over because Lana likes me.

She told me herself. So we're gonna
go on a date. She and me. Her and I.

Me and her. The both of us!

I'm disappointed.

You are?

Yes. This was the first meeting

of the Huxtable Men's Club.

And there you go, and
you break the first rule...

No women allowed.

Dad, it's not my fault.

It doesn't make any difference!

You got women in here!

How are we going
to enjoy the hoagies?

We're gonna have
to eat with napkins!

We just... have to
cancel the meeting.

That's all there is to it.

Do you want me to
tell them to go home?

And if I did, I think
I would have to...

sleep with one eye open
for the rest of my life.

You take this...

and you take the ladies out...

to the White House.
Get some hoagies

and buy 'em some near soda.

You mean you don't mind

that I'm leavin' you
here all by yourself?

Son, one of the rules of
the Huxtable Men's Club

is if you can find a good woman,
then the meeting is adjourned.

[laughs] Thanks, Dad.

And the other rule is, if you
can get rid of the other members,

you can have all the
hoagies to yourself.

Hear ye, hear ye!

The first meeting of
the Huxtable Men's Club

will now come to order.

We'll take roll.

Huxtable!

Present.

Anybody else in the club?

No.

Okay.

What do you want to do first?

We wanna eat.

Okay.

Now, here we have
some food here.

We have some things that
Mrs. Huxtable suggested.

Throw it out.

No. You gotta
listen to this first.

We have, uh, healthy rice cakes.

We don't want any.

Okay.

Now, we have here somethin' else
Mrs. Huxtable would like us to eat

to live longer and
drink... Apple juice.

Throw that out, too.

Okay.

Now, here we
have a giant hoagie.

It's full of preservatives
and additives,

and you may not live as long.

Let's try it.

Okay.

We have, uh, salty chips
that'll kill you soon, too.

Yes. Let's die.

Now we have some cola
for gas and burping loud

and sounding crude.

Let's do it right.

We have popcorn with no salt.

We'll take that and
throw it away, too.

All right. Now we got some
movies up here. Let's see.

No, we want dancing girls.

You can't have dancing girls.

Denise, this was the
best night of my life.

Yeah? We'll have to
do it again sometime.

You mean you'd
invite me along again?

Sure. You're not so
bad... for a little sister.

[chuckles]

Uh-oh. Dad's on the couch.
He's watching a movie.

What if he sees us?

Oh, Vanessa,
don't worry about it.

He's watching cowboy
movies and eating hoagies,

so he won't even notice us.

Are you sure?

Yes. Trust me. We'll slip by.

[gunshots on TV] Hi, Dad.

How's everybody?

Oh, great.

Have a good time tonight?

Yes. Oh, yeah.

Do me a favor?

You take my clothes off
and put 'em in the closet.

Whatever.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, Mrs. Morgan.

You're ready?

Okay.

All right. I'm on my way.

Okay. [hiccups, burps]

Hello?!

[Denise] Hello!

I have to leave!

[Denise] Okay!

Well, what's happening?

Club's over. Meeting's canceled.

Oh, you're kidding. What
happened to the dancing girls?

We don't want 'em anymore.
We have to go deliver a baby.

Why?

Well, because I'm a doctor.

Well, what did they
do before doctors?

I don't know. Just came
out by themselves, I guess.

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The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.