The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 13 - Monster Man Huxtable - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

Okay. Will you please tell her
that her daughter Rudy called?

Okay? Bye-bye.

Who was on the phone?

I called Mommy, but
she wasn't at her hotel.

Why'd you call her?

Because I miss her.

Well, I miss her too, but Mom will
be home from Hillman in a week.

That's a long time.



Well, look, if you really miss
Mom, I have a great idea.

Why don't you
write her a letter?

I've never written a letter.

[snaps] Just the thing. Hot dog.

We'll write Mom a letter,

and it makes you
feel better inside.

You know, when you
write a person a letter,

you can get everything
that's in you out of it, okay?

So you take that.

You take that pen.

You take the pencil, see,

and you start to write.

So put this down.

You say, "Dear Mom,



"Dad is a wonderful person,
and he cooks wonderful meals,

and I love his singing
when he sings a lullaby."

What... What are you erasing?

Your singing part.

You don't like my singing?

Dad, it's pretty bad.

All right, good enough then.

Sondra can sing for you tonight.

She'll be home soon.

Is Elvin coming too?

- Yes.
- Are they going to be fighting?

Fighting? That's a
pretty strong statement.

No, what they do is they debate
about everything all the time.

You mean fight.

- Hey, Dad.
- Look who's here.

Sondra! Hi, Rudy.

Hi, Dad. How you doing?

- Fabulous.
- All right.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.
How are you, sir?

Fine, how are you?
Everything all right?

Yes, wonderful.

The drive over was fine?

Oh, perfect. Lovely drive.

Good. No... No arguments?

[chuckles] Of course not.

[Cliff] Really? Why
would we argue?

When you argue, you
only lose precious moments.

Oh, Elvin, you're so sweet.

When are you two gonna fight?

[both chuckle]

Rudy, Elvin and I
don't fight anymore.

- Good.
- Come on.

Let's go upstairs and unpack.

Okay.

Bye, muffin.

- Bye, I'll be down soon.
- Hurry.

Muffin?

Oh, it's a little
nickname I gave her.

She loves it.

Muffin Huxtable.

Well, it'll take a while
for me to get used to that.

I know, Dr. Huxtable, you're
not used to seeing us like this.

But things have changed.

Your daughter has lifted me to
the heights of emotional awareness.

Really?

Yes, I... I wish I could put into
words this feeling I have inside of me.

Well you don't have
to if you don't want to.

Right now I am like a man standing
on the peak of a snow-capped mountain.

The sun beams brighter,
the sky seems bluer,

the birds sing louder.

I only hope that you and Mrs.
Huxtable have reached this height.

I'm still climbing,
Elvin. I'm...

still climbing.

Sondra and I don't
even have to talk.

Oh, really? I just
hold her in my arms.

She knows what I'm saying,
I know what she's saying.

Sometimes, early in the morning,

Sondra will look out
the window and I'll...

- I'll watch her face...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- This is early in the morning?
- Right.

How early in the morning?

9, 10:00.

Oh. [chuckles]

You see, Sondra fixes breakfast
and I come over from my apartment.

Ah, you come over
from your apartment.

Oh, yes.

Because breakfast is one of the
most important meals of the day.

Yes, sir.

Yeah. Hey, Dad. Hey, Elvin.

How you doing? Hey, Theo.

Wait till you see this.

I made the sports page
of the school newspaper.

[Cliff] Ooh. Check it out.

"Monster Man
Huxtable Wins Again.

"Theo Huxtable, the newest
member of the wrestling team,

won his fourth match
and remains undefeated."

Theo, I didn't know you
were on the wrestling team.

Yeah, the season just started.

I don't know if Sondra
ever told you, but

in high school I was
a pretty good wrestler.

- You were?
- Yeah.

I also wrestled in my
freshman year in college.

I only quit because
of a hip injury.

You must have been
good to wrestle in college.

18 wins, 2 losses.

Hey, that's great.

Did you know Dad wrestled?

Really?

Well, I... What was your record?

Uh, they didn't keep records...

in those days.

Come on, Dad. You told me.

Well, no, no. See, what... what
happened was that the backfield coach

wanted me to wrestle to
keep in shape for football.

- That's all it was.
- Mmm.

He was 1 and 14.

Oh. Well, that... that one
victory must have felt really good.

Well, he won that one 'cause
the guy didn't even show up.

The guy showed up.

It's that he... the...
he had the flu.

That's right. That's right.

The guy was so weak he just fell
down and Dad sat on top of him.

Well, I mean, you know, we could
discuss your brief football career.

Triple threat: trip,
stumble, and fumble.

Okay, Dad, you're right. I
was pretty bad in football.

But I'll never forget what
the coach said to me.

He said, "Huxtable, I
played with your father,

"and all I can say is,

'Like father, like son. ""

He didn't say that.

- Yes, he did. Twice.
- No, he didn't say that.

And you're grounded
for eight years.

[laughing]

Hi, Rudy.

What are you doing?

I'm finishing my
letter to Mommy.

And it's good.

Well, it should be. You've been
working on it since yesterday.

Wanna read it?

Yeah. Let me see.

[clears throat]

"Dear Mommy," I miss you.

"Well, I have to be going now.

Bye."

- Rudy, this isn't gonna do.
- Why not?

Well, it's not the correct form.

I mean, when you write a letter,
it has to be done a certain way.

My teacher taught us
all about it in school.

Will you teach me?

Well, I'd be glad to.

You see, it's important
to write a letter properly,

because a well-written
letter gives a good impression.

I want to make a
good impression.

Then listen closely.

Now, when you write a letter, it's
important to pay attention to structure.

Now, any letter, whether it's a
business letter or a personal letter,

must contain five
essential ingredients:

the heading, the salutation, the
body, the close, and the signature.

Are you following me?

Do I look like
I'm following you?

Just pay attention.

Now, the heading goes
at the top of the paper,

and it contains your
address and the date.

Mommy already knows my address.

It doesn't matter. Now, listen.

- Next comes your salutation.
- The what?

The salutation.

It's a greeting to
whoever you're writing to.

Okay.

Now, most salutations
begin "Dear So-and-so."

Who's So-and-so?

Mom.

Why can't I write "Dear Mom?"

That's what I told you to write.

Vanessa, you're a lousy teacher.

♪ And we have walked this far ♪

♪ So many miles so many hours ♪

♪ And now we know ♪

♪ And only now do
we see each other ♪

- ♪ And we have all... ♪
- Sondra.

Oh. [giggles] Hi, Daddy.

Well, you're in a good mood.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Being around Elvin fills me
with such a special feeling.

Sort of like being on a
snow-capped mountain.

No, it's more like...

running barefoot through a meadow of
fresh clover covered in the morning dew.

How early in the morning?

No, Dad, I'm not really
running through the meadow.

It's just a symbol of the joy
that I feel when I'm with Elvin.

- Ahh.
- And we have so much in common.

Like experimental theater.

How many men do you know are
interested in minimal experimental theater?

I don't know how
many men could say it.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I... none.

Yes, you do. Elvin.

Ohhhh, oh, Elvin. Okay.

- Guess what he did?
- What?

He bought us two
tickets to the Festival of

Experimental Artists
in Soho this weekend.

That devil.

Oh, Dad. Yeah.

I feel like I'm the second
luckiest woman in the world.

Second luckiest?

Sure. Mom's the luckiest.

Mmm.

Well, that's wonderful.

You know, you ought to
come around here more often.

[giggles] Yeah.

Well, Dad, I'm gonna go
make Rudy a bubble bath.

Okay.

Yeah, come around
here more often.

- Hey, Dad.
- How was practice?

- Good.
- Good.

Dr. Huxtable, your
son is too modest.

He was outstanding.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, during scrimmage, he
pinned his man in seven seconds.

I'm telling you, Theo knows where his
man's gonna move before he moves.

You don't learn that.
You're born with it.

Ahh, so you're saying
that he inherited it.

Absolutely.

These things are known
to skip a generation.

Ha ha ha ha.

[laughing] Good one, Elvin.

Dad, don't worry. I'll restore the
family name by winning all my matches.

Hey, Theo. The guy you're up against
tomorrow is undefeated and a senior.

Do I look worried?

Theo, I think I can show you
some things that might help.

Well, now wait, Elvin,
he already has a coach.

And he's a good coach, and
I don't want to get in the way,

but I know a couple of simple
techniques that might really help Theo.

If it's all right with you, Dr. Huxtable,
we could work out in the basement.

Okay.

Great. Theo, why don't
you go get changed.

- Okay.
- I'll go get my sneakers out of the car.

- Elvin.
- Yes, sir?

Um, I just want you to know
that I appreciate what you're doing.

You do? Yes, sir.

What am I doing?

Well, my daughter is
running through the meadow.

And my son is learning
to be a better wrestler.

And I just want you to know
that I appreciate what you're doing

for my family.

I love this family.

Well... well, the
family loves you.

Yippee!

[Elvin] Eight...
Nine... Ten. Stop.

But I can do a lot more.

That's enough upper
body work for tonight.

Let's work on mental tactics.

Mental tactics?

Right. You want to
keep your opponent

psychologically
on edge at all times.

From the moment you
two step on the mat,

you want to stare him down.

You mean like the evil eye.

[chuckles] No, not the evil eye,

the eye of the wolf.

It lets your opponent know he isn't
competing against just another wrestler,

he's doing battle
with an animal.

Oh, all right.

All right? Now watch me.

The eye of the wolf.

All right? You try it.

Okay.

Right. Good. Now, growl.

[growls] No, no. Like this.

[snarling] [grunting]

Good. Louder.

[growling] Louder!

- Louder!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! You guys wanna
come up here, have dinner?

Or you want me to throw
the raw meat down there?

We're just going through
some drills, Dr. Huxtable.

We're doing reflexes next.

Go ahead. Don't
let me disturb you.

Okay, Theo, now good
reflexes are essential.

I want you to put your
hands out, palms up.

All right. Now using either hand, try
to slap my hand before I move it away.

All right? Okay.

I can't do it.

Not many people can.

I thought you were supposed
to restore the family name.

[chuckles] Why
don't you try it, Dad?

Well, I don't think your
father should do this, Theo.

Why not?

Well, Dr. Huxtable,
with all due respect,

it's a scientific fact that, with age, a
man's reflexes slow down considerably.

Just a minute. Hold on. Hold on.

Step over here.

Now, okay.

Come on, get 'em up.

All right. Now, you hit me.

You want me to hit your hands?

Oh, yes. Okay.

Just get 'em up.

Okay, here we go.

That's one, Dad.

- You weren't ready for that.
- No, I wasn't ready for it.

Come on. Here we go.

That's two.

What are you guys
doing down here?

Uh, we're doing a reflex
test, of which I have none.

Well, Elvin, you better
start getting ready to go.

- Go where?
- To Soho.

Peter McNair goes on at 8:00.

Remember, the
experimental theater tickets?

Oh, Sondra, I don't think I can.

I promised Theo I'd help
him with his wrestling.

But Elvin, we drove all the
way from Princeton to see this.

You bought us the tickets.

I know, Sondra, and I know how
much this event means to you,

but because I'm
willing to miss it,

that should give you some
indication of how important it is

for me to stay here
and work with Theo.

Elvin.

[Elvin] Yes, Sondra.

If you think it's more important
for you to stay here with Theo,

then I'll understand.

[Elvin] It is,
Muffin. It really is.

Okay, then you
really should stay.

Thank you.

Dad, would you like to
come to see Peter McNair?

See who?

Peter McNair. He's
a performance artist.

He combines acting
with painting and music.

Will there be any jazz?

Oh, I'm sure there'll
be some jazz mixed in.

Okay. Sure, I'd love to go.

Good, it'll be fun.

Thank you, Dr. Huxtable.

Thank you.

Uh, bye, Elvin.

Bye, muffin.

Okay, Theo, let's
get back to work.

All right. You
know, I love this.

With four sisters, I never realized how
much I missed not having a big brother.

Well, Theo, if your sister and I
keep getting along like we have been,

I think you might be
getting a big brother-in-law.

Are you serious?

[growls]

[laughs] All right!

Aah!

[Rudy] Vanessa!

I'm finished with my letter.

Oh, good. Let me read it.

Don't wrinkle it.

Well... What's wrong now?

Well, for one thing, you
signed it "Love, Rudy."

So?

Well in the body of the letter,
you've already stated "I love you."

Huh?

Look, there are a lot
of ways to close a letter.

"As always," "warmest
regards," "respectfully yours."

Use one of those.

This is like homework.

It's easy. I'll just put
him in a half nelson.

But you don't want to do that
before your opponent is on the mat.

Why not?

Because if he has a good
stepover maneuver, he can escape.

[laughs] Not my half nelson.

Anybody's half nelson.

- Theo, every move has a countermove.
- Right.

And I would counter you by
pinning your shoulder to the mat.

- There's no way.
- Elvin, I'd pin you in a second.

- Theo.
- Here we are.

- Wrestle here?
- Here and now.

Well, don't you think we ought
to go down in the basement?

Well, no, it's too
much junk down there.

Or are you a...
[clucks like a chicken]

Let's move the furniture.

[laughs]

[Cliff chuckles]

Come on, Dad. You have to admit.

Peter McNair was sensational.

I do not have to admit to that.

Now I... I just don't know
what it was that I saw.

That's the beauty
of performance art.

What you see may
not be what I see,

and what I see may
not be what you see.

Aha.

Well, I saw a man come out

with some baby diapers on.

And... And a football helmet.

And then he climbed into a piano

and fired a starter's pistol.

Well, Dad, what you saw tonight
was only a part of Peter McNair.

Now, tomorrow night, when Elvin and I go,
he's going to have his entire orchestra.

Oh, and they'll all crawl inside a
piano and fire the starting pistols.

Oh, Dad.

Uh, listen, there's something
that I'd like to talk to you about.

Um...

I haven't said anything about
this since I've been home, but, uh,

Elvin and I are
getting pretty serious.

[giggles]

Well, how serious?

The word marriage
hasn't come up, but I think

we're both experiencing
the same feelings.

How can you say the word marriage
and you haven't been talking about it yet?

I mean, does this have
anything to do with the breakfasts

and, uh, running through the meadow
in the snow-capped mountains?

[chuckles] No.

You're lying.

And you know how
I know you're lying?

'Cause it's the same thing
your mother and I saw.

We would see the mountaintops,

we would see the meadows,

and we would see all of that,
and then when we got married,

you know what we saw?

What? Bills.

- Come on, Theo!
- Use the atomic forearm!

Get him, Theo!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Sondra] Elvin!

What's the matter? You couldn't
find anything on television?

We were just practicing.

Theo, you were losing.

And you would have won if
you had used the atomic forearm.

I don't need the
atomic anything.

I'm invincible because
I am a monster man.

You mean a monster jellyhead.

[growls] [screams]

I think Theo is
doing really terrific.

I'm really looking forward to
seeing him wrestle tomorrow night.

Elvin?

Yes, Sondra?

You're going to be
where tomorrow night?

At the wrestling tournament.

Elvin, tomorrow night we're supposed to
see Peter McNair and his new age orchestra.

Yes, I know.

Maybe your dad would like to go.

No, he wouldn't.

But I hear it's
gonna be really good.

[chuckles] That's right.

He's got his whole
orchestra showing up.

You gotta see it, man.

He's gonna be in there and they
have all their starter pistols ready to go.

Sondra, I have a great idea.

Why don't you and I go
to see the wrestling match.

Peter McNair is
on a national tour.

We'll catch him when he
comes back to New York.

Well, I don't know.

Muffin, it's your brother.

Mmm, okay, I'll go.

[chuckles] Thank you, muffin.

Oh, but it's a shame to let
those tickets go to waste.

Who can we give them to?

[laughs]

Dad, do you have any friends
that you could give the tickets to?

Yes, I do. And if I give them to 'em,
they won't be my friends anymore.

- Who are you calling now?
- Mommy.

I thought you were
going to write her a letter.

[both chuckle]

No, come on now.

I thought you were
gonna write her a letter.

It's too hard.

What do you mean, it's too hard?

I don't know anything about
greetings and salivations.

What?

You know, salivations:
"Dear So-and-so"

and "Respectably yours."

No, no, no. Now, who
told you about this?

Vanessa.

She wants me to write
a big person's letter,

but I'm only in
the second grade.

Okay, now, here's
what I'm going to do,

and I'm just gonna do
this one time for you.

You tell me what you want
to say and I will write it for you.

I don't think so.

Mommy says your handwriting
is like chicken scratches.

The winner and still undefeated!

Thank you, one, thank you, all.

Ha ha!

You know, Theo, I'm
glad you won your match,

but I thought it was boring.

I mean, nobody wore masks or
capes or hit anyone with a chair.

I loved it. You did?

Yes, it was so expressive.

Two wills locked in conflict.

It symbolized the
struggle of all men.

Exactly. Now you know
why I love the sport.

And it's not just the
struggle between two men.

It's the ultimate struggle.

Man's attempt
to control his fate.

I am so glad that you
talked me into going.

I feel enlightened by
the whole experience.

Only a mind as beautiful as yours
could allow itself to be enlightened.

Oh, Elvin. [chuckles]

Would you like to join me
in a soda, my little muffin?

Yes, my little croissant.

[laughs]

Listen, I don't
know what they saw,

but I know I saw my son
jump on that mat and growl.

And the next thing I
knew, he had pinned a guy.

I'm telling you,
I'm proud of you.

[chuckles] Thanks, Dad.

Ahh. I like winning.
It's a great feeling.

Yes, indeed.

How did you feel when
you lost your matches?

[chuckles]

Well, now, first of
all, let me explain.

I didn't know what I was doing.

The coach really didn't give
me any techniques or anything.

I went out on the mat,
I looked at the guy.

The next thing I knew,
my face was on the mat.

I was gettin' burns all over.

And then the guy stood
up and it was all over.

It must have been terrible.

Well, yes and no.

Because, you see,
after it was all over,

after I showered,

and I came out with
the burn marks on...

strawberries on the cheekbones,

your mother was standing there.

And she... she
kissed this mark here

and she kissed that one.

And then she'd slide her... her
arms around my waist, you know,

and she'd say, "You're
still a winner to me."

So, listen, I was one of the happiest
losers anybody ever wanted to meet.

Did you two have little
nicknames for each other?

Yeah.

Did you call her anything?

[chuckling]

I called her "Lum-Lum."

Lum-Lum?

Lum-Lum.

Okay, what did she call you?

Cakes.

Cupcake? Beefcake?

Babycakes.

Eh.

See you later... Babycakes.

[Man] The Cosby Show was
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