The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 12 - Cliff in Charge - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

Hey.

Cliff, I just got a letter
from Hillman College.

Hmm.

"Dear Clair, as you know, in
June Dr. Zachariah J. Haines,"

"president of Hillman
College, will be retiring

after 53 years of
service to the school."

Oh, you better watch it. That's
going to cost you some money.

I don't think so.
Listen to this.



"As a distinguished graduate,
we would like to invite you to serve"

"on the executive committee
to plan a celebration"

"in honor of Dr. Haines, to
be held graduation weekend."

Mm-hmm. Isn't that something?

Yeah.

Well, they want me down there a
week from Saturday for 10 days.

Yeah, Dr. Haines is a
very, very special person.

Mm-hmm.

What are you looking for?

Looking for my letter.

What letter?

My letter from Hillman.

You didn't get one.

Well, they probably meant
that letter for both of us then.



No, I don't think so, because here it
says, "Clair, give our regards to Cliff."

Well, read it again.

Read the letter again, please.

"Dear Clair, as a distinguished graduate,
we would like to invite you to serve

"on the executive committee to plan
a celebration in honor of Dr. Haines,"

"to be held graduation weekend."

Shall I go on?

I don't understand. I'm
a distinguished graduate.

Yeah, you were a
distinguished graduate.

I was a good student.

You know, your mother's been
talking about visiting Denise.

You think she'd
like to go with me?

Yeah, she'll enjoy that.

Well, I'll give her a call.

I don't understand
how they could leave out

one of the most
distinguished students

ever in the history
of the school.

You know what, they're probably
sending me a special delivery letter

asking me to give
the keynote address.

Well, I don't think so
because it says here

that the incoming
president will be doing that.

I don't understand
how they could leave out

probably the most distinguished
graduate in all of Hillman.

That's why they did it.

Because you were
the most distinguished

and the most loved,

and everybody would
be looking at you,

and they would just
forget all about Dr. Haines

and his little 53 years.

That's what it is.
That's what it is.

[suppressing laugh]

Clair? Mm-hmm?

Are you... Are you...
Are you laughing at me?

Uh-huh.

Okay, okay, now just relax.

There's no need to panic.

I know this is your first baby.

Now why don't you just sit
down, take a deep breath...

Good.

Okay.

Now, tell me how far apart

are your wife's
contractions, Mr. Roland?

Thirty-five minutes?

Well, it doesn't sound
like she's in labor.

Well, no, no, no,
don't be embarrassed.

Just call me when they're about
seven or eight minutes apart.

You're still nervous?

Okay, why don't you
now go to the hospital

and your wife will call you

when she's seven, eight
minutes apart, okay?

[laughing] All right,
talk to you later.

[doorbell chimes]

And who are you?

Your father. [guffaws]

Can't be; my father ran away
with the circus when I was born.

He's back.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, you don't smell like
you've been around elephants.

Hey, son.

Listen, what is
all this stuff for?

Well, since I'll be staying here
while Anna and Clair are at Hillman,

I went to the store and
picked up some things.

So, uh, you...

Dad, we have oatmeal. You
didn't have to buy oatmeal.

Yeah, but not that kind.

That's Norwegian oatmeal.

Havregryn.

Who... Havla who?

That's the oatmeal
the Vikings ate.

Okay, that's fine.

What is this soap? Mm-hmm.

What is this, Viking soap?

No, son.

[laughs] The Vikings
never had soap.

They just jumped off the
boats and swam in the fjords.

[laughing] Fw... what?

Fjords!

Fjords, okay. Fjords.

I have something I
want to discuss with you.

Yes, sir.

Now, I figure I'm going to be
staying with you for five days

and I want you to know that
I intend to pay my own way.

Uh, Dad... And don't talk back.

I've estimated how
much it's going to cost you

to have me here per day.

I made up a list.

Yeah, but, Dad... Hush.

I have it down on paper:
food, hot water, entertainment...

Entertainment?

Well, I watch the
news on television.

Our TV is paid for.

You don't have to put a quarter
in it anymore like the old days.

At least let me pay for
my share of the groceries.

Take your hands
out of your pocket.

Your money's no
good here. I mean that.

We'll talk about it later.

Yeah, and that's
another thing you do.

You say, "We'll talk about it later,"
and that's only used to wear me down.

We'll talk about that
later, too. [laughing]

[both] Granddad!

There are my girls!

[chuckling] Hi!

That's right, just act like
he's the only one in the room.

Just leave me sitting
here. No, you don't...

Oh, now... Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy. What's in the bag?

Oh, some things that your
granddad brought home.

That's true.

But if I dig deep into this bag,

I might find something
you children would love.

[both girls] Chocolate
chip cookies!

No, no, no... Can we have one?

If it were up to me I'd give you
one, but you have to ask your father.

Can we please, please? Can we?

Now, now, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Okay, one. One. Please?

You can have one. Thank you.

You can have one.

May I have one please?

I don't think so, son. At
your age this turns right to fat.

[phone ringing]

Huxtable residence.

Oh, hi, Mom!

Oh, it's just a
chocolate chip cookie.

Well, Dad said I could.

Mom wants to talk to you.

[clears throat]

Hi, dear!

Huh?

Yeah, yeah, I know
it's close to dinner.

But... but... but... but...

Clair says Mom
wants to talk to you.

Hello, Anna.

Yeah, I miss you too.

Okay, I'll put him on again.

Cliff, your mother
wants to talk to you.

Hey, Mom.

I know it's close
to dinner, but...

Well, Dad brought
the cookies here.

Mom wants to talk to you.

Hi, Anna.

Yes, but... but...

What a shame. Mm, mm, mm.

What's wrong?

Listen to this.

Douglas B. Hoffer, 85,
passed away yesterday,

survived by his wife Eileen, and
his two sons Oliver and Walter.

It's a shame.

Was he a friend of yours?

No, I just read the obituaries.

Do you do this often, Dad?

Every day.

Mm, now here's a guy
who went, only 52 years old.

I got him beat.

He's survived by his wife,
his children, his father...

his mother, survived
by everybody.

Fifty-two? Mm-hmm.

Oh, listen to this.

It says he left the bulk
of his estate to his father.

Must have been a nice boy.

Yeah.

I bet he's in heaven.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, no, no. Theo
is not home yet.

He's at wrestling practice.

Uh...

Well, young lady,
may I take a message?

[chuckles]

A young lady called up for Theo.

I say, "Can I take a message?"

She just went... [giggling]

and hung up.

Well, when you were down in
your office a couple of ladies called.

Wouldn't leave their names.

One of the girls said,
um, "Tell Theo he's a doll."

[giggling]

Hey, Grandpa. Hey, Dad.

Theo, how was
wrestling practice?

Okay.

Grandfather took
some calls for you.

He has a message.

Really? What is it?

Theo, you're a doll.
Hee hee hee hee.

What?

That's what she said.

She? Who?

She wouldn't tell me.

Well, are you sure it was a she?

Definitely. I know my shes.

Yes, yes, you have been
getting quite a few calls,

and they've been girls
who've just been giggling,

tee-heeing, and then
hanging up the phone.

Are you guys teasing me?

Would we tease about
something as serious as this?

Yeah.

Well, we're not
doing it this time.

You know, this is strange

'cause all day today
girls were smiling at me

and giggling and waving
and giving me the eye.

And when I asked
them what was wrong,

they said, "I heard about you."

Something strange
is definitely going on.

Well, maybe not, Theo.

It could be you're finally
turning into a Huxtable man.

There you go.

The caterpillar turning
into the butterfly.

A miracle of nature.

What are you guys talking about?

See, what happens is Huxtable
men, all of a sudden they blossom

and they become irresistible

to the female of the species.

Well, how come you never told
me this was going to happen?

Because I didn't think
you could handle it.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Huxtable residence.

Speaking.

I am?

Well, who is this?

Okay, at least give
me your initials.

Well, can you tell me
what homeroom you're in?

203?

Hey, that's a great homeroom!

What row do you sit in?

Hello?

[chuckling]

Dad, you were wrong.

Hmm?

I can handle this.

You can?

Mm, mm, mm.

What's the matter? Such a shame.

Did somebody else die?

No.

It's these pencils.

Look at them.
They're all chewed up.

[clicks tongue] Clair.

I recognize these
teeth marks. [chuckles]

You've been doing this ever
since you were a first-grader.

Yeah, well, I can't help myself.

Son, this is a sign
of high anxiety.

This desk is just full
of chewed pencils.

Well, that's the spot
where I pay the bills.

Yeah, well, I'll buy
you a strip of rawhide.

No, I will buy you an
ice-cold glass of papaya.

Ooh, I love papaya
juice. All right.

Did you know that it's very
high in vitamin A and C?

Yes, I knew that.

Did you know that the Inca Indians
used the papaya for medicinal purposes?

Yes, I knew that.

It also contains a very
effective digestive enzyme.

Do you know what the
name of the enzyme is?

Yes, I do.

Hepperpepsimeninpenomine.

The enzyme is papain.

Spell it like it
sounds: P-A-P-A-I-N.

A-ha.

So, why don't you come sit over here
and get a nice, cold glass of papain?

Son, it's not my place to tell
you how to run a household,

but you've got some
problems here in the cupboard.

What do you mean?

Your cereals, your
flour, and your sugar...

All these boxes should
be wrapped in plastic bags.

- Why?
- Keeps out the ants.

Dad, we don't have ants.

Not yet.

All it takes is
one: the scout ant.

[laughing] Yeah.

Come on, the scout ant? Yeah.

He's the one that the other
ants send out to find food.

And if he sees that,
before you know it,

you'll have a
house full of ants.

Well, I just want to tell you

that my wife and I have been
here for 20 years... no ants.

Well, that's the
way ants operate.

They lull you into complacency.

Hi, Daddy. Here come
the scout ants now!

Rudy! Who's this?

This is my friend Kenny.
His name used to be Bud.

[chuckling]

Nice to meet you, Kenny.

Thank you. I have a grandpa too.

- What's his name?
- Grandpa.

If you're going to go out and
play, I want you to put hats on

'cause it's cold out there.

I didn't bring a hat.

I'll get you one.

Come on.

That looks like a happy team.

Yeah, happy for about three minutes,
and then they'll be arguing again.

No, I don't believe
it. Not those two.

I hope you're
right, but you're not.

Here, wear this
hat. It's Theo's.

Okay, thanks.

Let's go.

Wait, I have to open
the door for you.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

I'm a man, you're a woman.

So?

A man is supposed to
open the door for a woman.

- Who says?
- My big brother.

He's 19 and he knows everything.

Well, Sondra says a
woman can do anything.

[chuckling] No.

A woman is supposed
to do what a man says.

Not me.

Then you'll never get married.

I will if I want to.

Okay, but you'll have to stay
home and cook and wash clothes.

Nuh-uh.

A woman can have
any job she wants.

No, she can't.

Give me back my hat, Bud.

My name's Kenny.

Bud. My name's Kenny!

Bud! My name's Kenny!

Stop it. Stop. Stop.

Now what's the matter?

He's not my friend anymore.

Uh-huh. Yes, I am.

No, you're not! Yes, I am!

No, no, don't... Stop, stop it.

Now what is the matter?

He tried to open
the door for me.

Okay, okay... I'm
supposed to; I'm a man!

Wait, wait just one second.

Now look, Alvin... Who?

No, no, no. That's
right, you're Kenny.

All right, Kenny.

If the two of you want to
act like a man and a woman,

then if you're going to discuss things,
you have differences, you do it politely.

You understand?

Yes. Yes.

All right, fine.

Now, I am going to open
the door for both of you.

Not because I'm a man,
but because I'm a tired adult

and I'm throwing you out.

Here's your hat, Kenny.

I must say, son,
you handled that well.

Well, thank you, Dad.
I had a good teacher.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Dad, you have to sign this.

Really? What is it?

A note from our principal.

Why do you have a
note from the principal?

Well, I found out why I've
been getting all the phone calls.

The girls at school picked me
as thoroughbred of the week.

[Cliff] All right.

Thoroughbred?

Yeah, you know, a winner?

You see, every week the girls
pick a guy in the junior class,

and they put his name
and phone number

on the wall of the
girls' washroom.

So why do I have a
note from the principal?

When I found out about
it, I waited until after school

and then I went into
the girls' washroom,

and I started scribbling
over my name and number.

That's when the principal Ms.
Walker came in and caught me.

She said you have to sign that
as proof that I told you about it.

[chuckles]

Well, you've told me
about it and I'm signing.

Thanks a lot, Dad.
You're welcome.

You know, son, it
seems like raising children

is a lot more difficult now
than when I was raising you.

Well, I wish you had thought about
that when you put the curse on me

and said, "I hope you have some children
who act exactly the same way that you act."

I don't know.

Now things are working
out better than I expected.

[whispering] Dad?

Hmm?

Mrs. Gillis is ready
to have her baby.

I have to go over
to the hospital now.

What time is it?

2:15 a.m.

So why don't you come
on and sleep in my bed?

I'd like to, but I don't think I
can get up from under Rudy.

I'll show you how to do this.

[making goofy noises]

[chuckling] Thanks, son.

How'd you get in here anyway?

Rudy couldn't sleep,
so I told her the story

of Hugo the Bear
and the Lost Wolf.

Really?

I wish you'd told me
you were going to do that.

That's my favorite story. I'd
have come up and listened.

Well, I know, but you get so
excited every time I tell that story,

and I was afraid you'd make so
much noise you'd keep Rudy up.

I understand.

See you in the morning.

Night, son. Good night, Dad.

Hey, Dad.

Son, it's almost 11:00. Have
you been up all this time?

Yes, Mrs. Gillis finally
delivered the baby.

I'm telling you that child

came right there and stopped.

And stared at me like this.

How would you like a big,
steaming bowl of havregryn?

Dad, I don't think I
want any hominy grits.

I, uh... I'm just so tired,

I'm going to go in here
and take a little nap.

Thank you.

I think you should
go upstairs to bed.

No, I can't.

Mrs. Roland's ready to deliver.

Her labor pains are 15 minutes apart
and her husbands are 7 minutes apart.

[groans]

Just close your eyes
and get some rest.

Well, thank you.

We're back! Let's go, Dad!

Shh! Your father just got back from
the hospital and may have to go back.

He needs his rest.

But he promised he would
take us and buy some jeans.

Well, I think you're going
to have to forget that.

But, Granddad, we came all the
way back from the record store for this.

When I was your age, every
Saturday my father expected me

to go out into the backyard
and chop wood all day long

until there was enough to
heat the house the entire week.

Grandpa... Mm-hmm?

We don't understand
what you're trying to tell us.

I'm trying to tell you that children
should help their parents more.

But, Granddad, we only
have one tree in the backyard.

Mom planted it and she would
get real upset if we hit it with an axe.

Well, the kitchen floor could
use a good scrubbing and waxing,

or you can do your homework.

Which will it be?

Homework. Definitely.

Good choice.

Mm. Thank you. Thank you.

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

You know, I never realized how
much activity there is in this house.

- Mm.
- And you do a fine job with it.

Well, thank you.

I mean, I've told you
many times that I love you,

but I've never told
you I'm proud of you.

And I am. Mm.

You're all right.

Well, so are you. [chuckles]

Would you do me a favor?

You name it.

Would you tell me the
story about the bear?

Now, wouldn't you rather sleep?

No!

- Once upon a time...
- Yeah.

In the woods of a magic kingdom
there lived a bear named Hugo.

[laughs]

- He was a very sad bear.
- Yeah.

One day, after having
a picnic all by himself,

he was walking home to his cave

when he saw a wolf
who looked very confused.

Was the wolf lost?

Yes, he was.

And was the wolf's name Hans?

That's right, Cliffy.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello?

No, son. You rest.

Huxtable residence.

Uh-huh.

How far apart are they?

Son, it's Mrs. Roland.

Yeah.

Hello, Mrs. Roland.

Oh, they are, huh?

All right! This is it!

I'm on my way over.

Okay. Bye, bye.

Well, there you go.

You have to go to the hospital?

Yes, sir.

Now, isn't there something
I could do for you?

Yeah, you could go over
there and deliver the baby.

How about if I just
give you a ride?

Yes, that would be fine.

On the way I'll
finish the story.

Good, I'd love that.

Now where was I?

Well... the bear had just
finished having his picnic

and he saw Hans, and
Hans was confused.

Okay.

Anyway, the reason Hans the wolf
was confused was because he was lost.

Yes.

Which made him
feel very lonely, too.

Yes, and do you think that Hans
and Hugo will become friends?

Now, son, be patient.
I'm going to get to that.

Okay. Okay.

Anyway, Hugo went over to Hans

and he said, "What's
wrong my friend?"

"You look confused."

And Hans said...

"Oh, Mr. Bear, I'm so lost."

That's right, Cliffy. Yeah.

And Hugo said, "I have never seen
anybody walking down this slope..."

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