The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 11 - War Stories - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

No, no, no. You... you
guys come on over.

You're welcome.

Well, Clair has to teach a class
at the community center tonight,

so it's... Come on!

You're welcome.

All right, Dad.

Bye-bye.

[chuckles]



What?

My father, that's what.

My father says to me,

he and Homer Dobson
are coming over here,

and they want me to meet

one of their old Army buddies.

[chuckles]

Now, this wouldn't have
anything to do with pinochle?

Yes.

And my father didn't say
anything about pinochle,

did not mention
cards at all, but I know.

I know that he and Homer

are bringing this man over

to help them cheat me.



But, honey, why
would they do that?

Because I beat them the
last time they played here.

And I'll bet you that this man
has never been in the Army.

Number two, I'll bet you he's some
pinochle champion from out of state.

Well, I'm glad I
won't be here tonight.

When you and your dad
get together to play pinochle,

it is pathetic.

Mom, can I ask you something?

Yes.

But before she does,

I would just like
to say one thing.

I have been upstairs for an
hour putting this outfit together.

Now, I think I've
done very good work.

However, Vanessa
here is doubting me.

Vanessa, that is
a very smart outfit.

But do I look good?

You look stunning.

Oh, thank you, Mother.

Okay, Denise, I say
we go with this one.

[Cliff] Hey! Hey!

Ho. Ho.

What about me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.

What do you think?

I think you look,
uh... bold... yet subtle.

I think you look contemporary...

yet aromatic.

Thank you, Dad.

Now, where are you
going in that thing?

She's just going
to a skating party.

[Cliff] Oh, yeah?

Who you going with?

With a friend of hers.

- Which friend?
- Just a friend.

Well, what's the friend's name?

Tyrone. Rudy!

[Cliff] Tyrone... It's a boy?

Unless it's short
for... Tyronella?

Uh, no, Dad. It's a boy.

A-ha!

So, what time, uh, is this young
man coming over to pick you up?

You know, sooner or later...

he's got to come
here to pick you up.

And then he'll met me...

Mr. Charm.

♪♪ [humming]

♪ Tyrone ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

Hello, operator?

Hi, my name is
Theodore Huxtable.

I don't think my phone is
ringing when it's supposed to.

So, do you think you can
call me back and check it?

Thanks.

[ringing]

Yeah, I... I guess it is
working. Thanks, operator.

What's that all about?

Well, I was expecting this
phone call from a girl today,

and the phone never rang.

Well, why don't you call her up?

Well, I can't. It's
past the deadline.

Oh, you mean her parents
won't let a call come in at this hour.

No, it's not that
kind of deadline.

See, I asked Condola Burns
to go out with me tonight.

She said she was 99
percent sure she would,

and when she was 100
percent sure, she'd call.

- Mm-hmm.
- I didn't know what to do,

so Cockroach told me to use
the deadline delivery method.

The Cockroach...
Deadline delivery method.

You see, if you ask a
girl to go out with you...

Uh-huh.

And if she says she's not sure you tell
her that she has to give you an answer

by a certain time
or she can forget it.

And that's exactly what I did.

You might as well go to bed now.

[doorbell ringing]

[laughing]

Cockroach deadline delivery.

Woo.

Hello, son!

How are you?

- And look at you, look at you.
- Heathcliff! How you doing?

- Hello, sir.
- Hello.

Son, I'd like you to meet
a dear friend of mine.

Sergeant Major Boswell
Stokes, U.S. Army retired.

Ah hah. Well, how are you sir?

- Nice to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.

Come on in.

Your father tells me
you were in the navy.

Oh yes.

Well, I'll try not to
hold that against you.

Well, it's good to see you guys.

Thanks for having us over.

Well, thank you for coming over.

Well, I haven't seen you since
the last time we played cards.

- Yes.
- I missed you.

Same here.

You know, it's
quite a coincidence.

This morning I was talking to my
wife and what we were discussing

is how people don't just
stop by and visit anymore

like they use to
in the old days.

Isn't that the truth?

Yes, indeedy.

And that's why it's so important
that the three of you came by.

It's wonderful that you
came by to sit and chat

and be concerned
about me and my family.

Well, that's why we're here.

Yes, indeedy.

Well, wonderful.

Of course, we don't
have to just sit and chat.

We could engage in some
entertaining activity if we want.

Does anybody have any ideas?

Yeah.

I think we could put on our coats
and take a nice walk by the river.

Uh, we parked down by the
river. We already took that walk.

But there is something
we haven't done in a while.

What's that?

- Cards.
- It's true.

Cards.

Well, I mean that sounds fine for me
but I don't know if Sergeant Stokes here...

Well, a game of cards?

Well, I think that
would be nice.

What particular... Pinochle.

So?

That looks good.

I don't know.

Vanessa, come on.

You have tried on
everything in your closet.

You've even tried on my clothes.

Just go with this. This
looks the best, honest.

It looks good now, but how is it
going to look when I put the skates on?

Now, that's the question.

Put on your skates.

You know, that's a great idea.

Vanessa, I love those shoes.

You know, they're
definitely you.

Lay off, Theo.

I'm trying to look my
best for tonight, okay?

What's the big deal? You're
going to a skating party.

You're going to spend most of
your time falling down anyway.

Yes, but she'll be
falling down with a date.

Which is more than we
can say for you tonight.

Everyone gets stood
up once in a while.

Oh, yeah, especially when they use
the Cockroach deadline delivery method.

Well, we're working
a few bugs out of it.

Don't worry, Theo.
You'll get a date someday.

Oooh.

Say, Homer, do you
happen to remember

an old singing group
called the Diamonds?

The Diamonds? Yeah, I
remember the Diamonds.

They sang a song I really liked.

Do you remember the name of it?

I don't know. The Diamonds
used to sing a lot of songs,

but the one I think you're
thinking of is "I Ain't Got None".

Partner, they're
trying to cheat us.

Well, I don't know
what you mean, partner.

All I hear is two gentlemen
discussing their love of music.

As a matter of fact,
I think a little later

we ought to go to some
clubs and listen to some music.

That's a good idea.

How many clubs
did you have in mind?

About two.

Hello, may I speak to Condola?

She's out?

On a date?

Oh, well, would you tell
her that Theo Huxtable called

and that I'm sorry and that
it was all Cockroach's idea?

Thanks, bye.

[doorbell rings]

Yes?

Hi, I'm Vanessa Huxtable and
I'm here to pick up Tyrone Baxter.

You sure about that?

Oh.

I mean, I'm Tyrone Baxter and I'm
here to pick up Vanessa Huxtable.

You going to be okay?

Yeah, I think so.

How you doing? I'm Theo.
I'm Vanessa's brother.

Come on in and
take off your coat.

Thanks. I appreciate
it. Really, I do.

[Cliff] Watch it!
Don't even try it!

[shouting from kitchen]

Is somebody having
a fight in there?

No, that was my dad and my
granddad with their friends playing cards.

Come on in.

Now, if you really want to get in good
with my dad, you have to play pinochle.

Either that or chess.

I play chess. I love chess.

And I can learn to play
pinochle. Really, I can.

It's okay, relax. I'm
not the important one.

- That's my dad.
- Yeah.

Now he's in there, but there are a couple
of things I need to know about you first.

What kind of music do you like?

All kinds, really.

My dad likes jazz.

I like jazz. Really I do.

Now me, I'm into rhythm
and blues, rock and rap.

I like all that.
I'm into all of it.

Vanessa likes funk.

Funk is my life, really.
I mean it. I love funk.

Tyrone, I think it's time
you should meet my dad.

Really? I mean,
what should I say?

How should I be?

Just be yourself.

How's that?

Tyrone, don't worry.

Dad treats all the guys
that come in here the same.

Like dirt.

Come on, let's go
and meet my dad.

Good luck.

Wait a second, Theo.

What?

Are you sure your father
really wants to meet me?

Tyrone, there's nothing
to be nervous about.

You're going to go in there, Dad's
going to say "nice to meet you,"

and you're going
to say "same here."

Come on.

Excuse me, Dad?

This young man is here to take
Vanessa to the skating party.

His name's Tyrone Baxter.

Tyrone, this is my
dad Dr. Huxtable.

Tyrone, how are you?

Same here, Dr. Huxtable.

Same here?

Me too. I really meant that.

Well, don't the rest of
us get an introduction?

- This is my father Mr. Huxtable.
- How do you do sir?

This is his closest
friend Homer Dobson.

How do you do sir?

And this is Sergeant
Major Stokes.

How do you do, sir?

He's a professional card shark.

Tyrone, you want
something cold to drink?

Sure.

You got 50 cents?

How about a soda?

Yeah, I like soda.

Make sure you get the 50 cents.

Uh, Tyrone?

So you're going to take
out my Vanessa, huh?

Vanessa is very very special
to me, you understand?

Mm-hmm.

And I've always thought a young
boy come to take out my daughter,

he would have
to be special also.

If he ever did
anything to hurt her...

Take this.

Have a good time.

Is that all you want to
ask me, Doctor Hustable?

I mean, is there anything else?

Uh, what more did
you want me to say?

Oh, nothing. I'm fine.

Good.

Now get out.

- Um, nice meeting all of you.
- Okay.

Goodbye.

Dad, you were
pretty easy on him.

Were you okay?

I don't have time
to take prisoners.

I'm in the middle
of a war right now.

Listen, do me a favor.

Give him soda and tell
him everything is all right.

Okay.

And, come here.

Tell him my name is Hux-table.

You got it.

Cliff, you got it all wrong.

This is not a war.

A war is where you fight
battles and win a purple heart.

We know a few men who won
purple hearts, don't we, Homer?

Mm-hmm.

How many men do we
know who won purple hearts?

Oh, I'd say about three.

I only knew one, myself,
and he was a little bitty fella.

I'm serious, Tyrone.
Dad really liked you.

You really think so?

He talked to you,
didn't he? You're in.

Yeah, but I'm still nervous.

I mean, this is my first date.

Hi, are you Tyrone?

Yes.

I'm Rudy. And
Vanessa looks good.

When is she coming down?

Soon.

So, Tyrone, tell
me about yourself.

I'm in the 8th grade.

That's nice.

Are you going to
kiss Vanessa tonight?

Do I have to answer this?

I think you should.

Well, it's up to her.

Smart man.

Hi, Tyrone. Sorry
to keep you waiting.

It's all right.

I told you she looked good.

You do, Vanessa. Really you do.

Hi, I'm Denise. I'll be
driving you to the skating rink.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hello?

- Hi.
- Hi.

May I help you?

I'm Aaron Stokes,
Sergeant Stokes' grandson.

I'm Vanessa Huxtable.

My grandpa forgot his
glasses at my house.

Oh, well, he's in the
kitchen. I'll show you.

- Come in.
- Thanks, Vanessa.

Tyrone, I'll be right back.

It's this way.

So, Tyrone, what
grade are you in?

Eighth.

She's right. What
grade are you in?

Oh, I'm a freshman in college.

College. Oh, I like college.

I'm going to go. Really, I am.

That's nice.

- Denise?
- Yeah?

There's something I have to
give you and it's in my room.

Could you come with me now?

Vanessa, we're about to leave.

Yeah, but if I don't
give it to you now,

I'll probably forget and you'll
leave for school without it.

What is it?

Tyrone, Denise and
I will be right back.

- Just come on.
- Sure.

Tyrone, there's one thing
you need to know about girls.

They always need a little extra
time before going on a date.

You must know
a lot about dating.

Oh yeah.

In fact, I would be
on one right now

but I choose to stay home and
spend some time with the family.

[laughs]

Vanessa, what did
you need to give me?

Nothing.

That's not why I
brought you up here.

Denise, I'm confused.

- About what?
- Aaron.

Isn't he incredible?

He's okay.

Okay? Did you see his eyes?

The way he moved. The
way he wore his suspenders?

He's okay.

I would love to ask him
to go skating with us.

Vanessa!

Have you lost your mind?

What do you mean?

You can't do that.

You've already got a date.

What are you going
to do? Drop Tyrone?

No, I want him to go too.

You have lost your mind.

Vanessa, please, try and
concentrate on one guy at a time, okay?

But guys do this
to girls all the time.

Look at Theo and Cockroach.

They're pigs.

You do have a point.

But it's still not
fair to Tyrone.

Okay, okay.

I think the Lakers are
going to go all the way.

I like the Rockets.

Me, too. If you ask me,
they're going to take it.

You're a Rockets man?

- You better believe it.
- All right.

Sorry for the delay, everybody.

Oh, Aaron, you're still here.

Yeah, we were just
talking about basketball.

Vanessa, are you finally ready?

Because you've been keeping
my man Tyrone waiting a long time.

Oh it's all right. The skating
party will still be going.

You guys are going skating?

Yeah, you want to join us?

Sounds like fun.

I'll ask Granddad.

Are you crazy?

What's the matter?

You're letting another guy
come with you on your date?

So? I like Aaron.

Who cares?

Don't you see what's
happening here?

This guy may end
up going for Vanessa.

You have to tell
him he can't go.

No, I don't want to do that.

Why not?

I'm already nervous about
going on a date with Vanessa.

If Aaron is there, it will
take off the pressure.

Yeah, well, there won't be any
pressure when you're skating alone, pal.

Granddad said it's okay.

Oh great, let's go.

You know, Aaron, I'm
really glad you're going.

- Me too.
- Me too.

I can't believe
Vanessa has two dates.

Yeah, and she didn't even have to use
the Cockroach deadline delivery method.

During the war there was
one particular night I remember.

I was in a foxhole and the bombing
and the shooting had stopped.

I looked up at the sky and I saw hundreds
and hundreds of stars dancing on tree tops.

And I thought, when man stops
fighting, you can see God's work.

Yeah.

I never saw any stars.

Stars?

Is that another
word for diamonds?

No stars, stars.

Stars.

I'm serious. I was in a tank.

Well, we both were.

761st tank battalion.

That's right.

It was in those tanks that we saw our
greatest and our most humiliating moment.

You remember that?

What happened?

Well, we must have been the only
platoon to have captured the enemy

and the enemy made us feel
like they were doing us a favor.

What are you talking about?

Well, we had surrounded this
platoon of Nazis with our tanks.

And after a while they
came out of the woods,

waving the white flag,
their hands held up in the air.

Our commander
Captain Charlie Gates

told us to stay inside our tanks and
direct them back toward the infantry.

But you see, I'm from Chicago.

I started thinking, "Now, look,
I helped capture these guys.

"There's probably a
photographer out there.

I could get my picture
in the Stars and Stripes."

[laughing]

Well, wait a minute,
now. Wait a minute.

Some of the other guys must
have thought the same thing,

because a whole bunch of us sort
of popped up, just to take a look.

Okay.

When those Nazis saw
that they had been captured

by an all-black
American tank platoon...

Uh-oh.

The looks on their face seemed
to suggest, "No, no. Not you guys.

No, no. Anybody but you guys."

I can't go back to my hometown and
tell them that I surrendered to you guys.

You know, they turned around and
started walking back towards the woods.

No, they didn't.

Captain Gates gave us orders to
fire a few rounds over their heads.

I guess that's what made them decide
it wasn't so bad being captured by us.

So, they did come back?

Well, they had to didn't they?

[laughing]

Now let me tell you.

When I was in the navy,
we were on maneuvers, so...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

When was this?

This was 1958, see...

I don't think there
was a war on in 1958.

But you don't have to have a war
for things to be dangerous you know.

Now hold it, Cliff.

Where were these maneuvers?

We were in Bermuda.

Russell, would you
play a card please.

No, wait a minute. We were...

Uh, that's the wrong card.

Everything doesn't have to be...

Son, you said you
were only taking a five.

You've been here twenty minutes.

I don't want to play anymore.

Why not?

I listened to your war stories.

You won't listen
to my navy story.

We want to play cards.

I don't want to play cards.

You guys won't
listen to my story.

If we listen to your story will you
come back and finish the card game?

Okay.

Well, this had better be good.

Well, we're on maneuvers, see.

And this is serious maneuvers.

Hi.

How did it go?

Great, I didn't fall once.

It's kind of hard to fall when
you've got a boy on both arms.

Where's my grandson?

Oh, I dropped both
the boys off at home.

Times have changed.

In my day a girl only went on
a date with one boy at a time.

My day, too.

Well, you know, it
wasn't really a date.

It was more of a get together.

Oh, yeah. They're getting
together again next week.

[Russell] You don't say?

[Vanessa] Yeah.

We all had a great time, so
we're going bowling next Friday.

I better go up and find out
what I'm going to wear for that.

Denise, will you help me?

Okay, but I'm only picking
out one outfit for you.

Okay, and that's
the outfit I'll wear.

- Good.
- If I like it.

[everyone] Goodnight.

Russell, you have
lovely granddaughters.

Thank you.

Well, who am I?

You sir, are a bad card player.

Let's get back to
the game, all right?

No, no, no. Sit down.

I haven't finished my story.

I thought you were finished.

I'm not finished.

Now, I was in the navy.

We were on maneuvers,
serious maneuvers.

Off the coast of Bermuda.

Yes. The coast of Bermuda.

Now, I'm lying in my bunk

and I hear the sound
off, General Quarters.

Now, there's a fire
in compartment 1021.

Well, that can be dangerous.
A fire aboard your vessel.

Yes, but this was not a
real fire. This was a fire drill.

We had a fire drill.

It wasn't real?

No, it wasn't real,
but it's still dangerous.

Because it's in
this compartment...

Gentlemen, why don't we
take that walk down by the river?

I had to get up.

Now, the compartment is here
and over here... this is where I am.

I'm in my bunk.

Now, by the time I got
to the compartment...

[door closes]

Come in.

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