The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 1 - Bring 'Em Back Alive - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

[imitating Julia Child] And now...

we slice the celery
ever so carefully...

taking it straight
down the line...

Daddy, do you know
where my red T-shirt is?

I sure do. It's
down in the dryer.

When are you
going to bring it up?

Why should I bring it up?

You put it in.



Really?

Well, the load is finished, and I
think you can go down and get it.

All right. All right.

And while you're down there, take
all the other clothes out and fold 'em.

I have to do everything.

Aw, it's a pitiful life.

It's going to be so
dynamic. Hey, Dad.

How are you doing?
Hey, Dr. Huxtable.

What's so dynamic?

My party.

Cockroach's parents
said he could have a party.

Yeah, it's gonna be me, Theo,

and 20 of the most
incredible women at school.

Twenty incredible women,
and just you and Theo?



That's right, and we're only
inviting the high-voltage women.

"High voltage"?

They have to be at least a
500-watt bulb to get inside the door.

[Cliff laughs]

Yeah, well, wait,
w-wait a minute.

I thought... Aren't you
and Tanya going steady?

Well, yeah, we are. But
she's gonna be out of town.

A-And you don't think
she's going to mind?

Dad, I'm just doing
this for Cockroach.

It's his party.

It could be all
guys, for all I care.

Now, look me
straight in the face,

and not smile,
and say that again.

It could be all
guys for... [laughing]

My son cannot tell a
lie without laughing.

Come on, Theo, let's get
started on these invitations.

[Rudy screaming]

What's the matter? Come on.

What's the matter? Snake, snake!

A what? Snake!

Where? Where? Down
there, in the basement.

No, no, no, now wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Get yourself together.

Now... No, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Is there really a
snake down there,

or is this a person who
does not want to fold clothes?

But, Daddy, there's
really a snake down there.

Okay, wait one second.

Fellas, go down and see if
there's a snake in the basement.

Sure, Dad. Okay?

Now. Now, now, now, wait.
Just settle yourself down.

Let's talk... But,
Daddy, I saw a snake.

Okay, if you saw
it, fine. [baby talk]

- But, Daddy, I really saw the snake.
- No, come on. We will talk about it.

We will talk about it, okay?

What's going on?

Well, Rudy says she saw
a snake in the basement.

Aw, come on, Dad. A snake?

But there is!

Rudy, it was
probably just a hose.

No, it was a snake.

It tried to bite me,
but I ran real fast.

All right, let me
ask you a question.

Would you recognize it

if you saw a picture
of it in a book?

Yes. All right.

Vanessa, would you
please get the reptile book?

Are you serious?

I am very, very serious

because... we have
to recognize the snake.

Oh, okay. I got you
now, Dad. Thank you.

Daddy, that snake
was scary. Yes.

Well, it's all right to
be afraid of a snake,

'cause some of 'em
are poisonous, you see?

But then, the
others are harmless.

I hate them all.

Why?

Because they stick
their tongue out like this...

Okay, here we go.
The Reptile Family.

Sort of a Who's Who of snakes.

[giggles] Yes. Okay.

Okay, here you are.
Let me show you.

Let's see. That's it!

That's it.

This is the snake?

That's an anaconda.

It lives in Brazil.

Rudy, it's 25 feet long
and weighs 200 pounds.

That's what I saw.

I don't think this snake
lives in the United States.

It could come for a visit.

We saw it! We saw the snake.

See? I told ya.

And it's about this long.

And it's kind of greenish-brown.

Well, is it poisonous?

Well, I didn't
ask it. [snickers]

Dad, we have to do something.
This thing could be poisonous.

Okay. Son, would you come
over here, please, and take a look

and tell me what
you saw downstairs.

Okay.

You know, I saw this movie once, where
this lady lived in a old creepy house,

and one stormy night, she
went and opened the closet,

and a snake jumped out of a hatbox
and wrapped itself around her head.

[groans]

You know, I saw that movie.

He was choking and gagging
and rolling around on the floor?

Vanessa, please.

Oh, but it didn't hurt her,
you know? It was just playing.

Here it is. Found it. Okay.

Is it poisonous?

Uh, no. It says here
it's non-venomous.

It's the common
garter snake. Yeah.

They're harmless.

It's harmless, dear.

But, Dad, this thing
is still in our house.

Well, what should we do?

Kill it.

Rudy, please.

Snap it in half.

We're not gonna kill it.
We're not gonna snap it in half.

Now, what we'll
do is we will catch it.

I will catch it.

Dr. Heathcliff "Bring
'Em Back Alive" Huxtable

will catch the snake.

Now all I need to do
is round up a posse.

Who'll help me? Not me.

Count me in. All right.

Count me out. All right.

I will be at Pamela's.

Walter, would you
please look after Rudy?

- Yeah, sure.
- This snake is outta here.

Well, wait. Now,
you don't have to...

Have to go down
there with an attitude.

You know, this is...
This is not Wild Kingdom.

Where'd you see it?
Over there by the dryer.

All right.

How big did you say it was?

About this big.

Okay, show me where you saw it.

Right over there.

[laughing]

- What?
- You're afraid.

No, I'm not afraid. I just
don't want the thing on me.

Aw, come on.

Now, get the gloves
so I can pick it up.

You say it's right here? Yeah.

Okay.

[imitating snake] Ah!

[Theo laughs] Boy!

[continues laughing]
That's not funny.

Don't fool around, now. Come on.

Dad, it's over there!

I saw the tail,
it's right there.

It's right there, Dad.
Dad, right there!

Don't push me! I saw the tail!

Don't push me. Don't push me.

Now stop foolin' around.

- You'll frighten the snake.
- It's under there.

Okay. Get the pillowcase.

Get the pillowcase, Theo.

Now, what we'll do
is, you get over here.

Okay.

I'll lift this back, and
when it runs that way,

you scoop it up
in the pillowcase.

Got it? Okay.

But, Dad? Huh?

What if it gets angry and
it jumps up in my face?

Okay. On the count of three.

One, two, three.

[Theo screams]

Dad, it went between
my legs. It's over there.

Well, we're gonna have
to get this thing out of here

before it climbs up the steps.

Dad, snakes can't climb stairs.

They can't? No.

How'd you know that?
It's a scientific fact.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Well, come
on. We have to catch it.

[sighs]

You know, it may not be easy.
A lot of places for it to hide.

Yeah.

I knew it was you.
You knew it was me?

I knew it was you. All the time.

Okay. I knew it was you.

Come on. Come on. Let's get it.

[hissing] [laughing]

[both] One, two, three.

Scissors cut paper. I win again.

Okay.

Uh-uh, no licking.

Okay. Ready? Mm-hmm.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it. [giggling]

Hey, Pete. How's it goin'?

Hi, Peter. Hi, Rudy.
You wanna play?

All right.

Guess what? What?

We have a snake. Where?

In the house.

[imitating truck engines]

I fell overboard and
I'll never come back!

[truck sounds continue]

[laughs] Hi, Walter.

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.

Denise. Hi.

Mommy! Guess what? What?

We have a snake in the house.

A snake?

You mean a toy snake, right?

No. I mean a for real snake.

- Hey.
- Did you catch it?

Well, we tried, but
we couldn't, hon.

We only saw it once,
and that thing is fast.

Cliff, what is going on?

Uh, we just have a little visitor
in the house, a little garter snake.

Ew, and it's alive?

Oh, but, Denise, I
don't want you to worry,

because I'm here for you.

Thanks.

Mommy, can you catch it?

Oh, honey, I'm sure your
father did everything he could.

Maybe the snake
left the house, huh?

Yeah.

See? Cliff, could I speak to
you in the kitchen for a minute?

Sure, sure.

I'll be right back. Okay.

Won't be gone but a minute.

And, Rudy, don't worry about
some little old, tired snake.

[tearfully] Cliff?

Uh-huh? I want it
out of my house.

Yeah, well...

I don't care how you do
it, but I want you to find it

and get it out of here now!

Well, see, we
are... No, Cliff. No!

This is my house too, you know?

Yes, I know that.

But aren't you the same
person who just told the baby

that the snake may have left?

I said that for Rudy's sake.

Okay, well, Theo and I
tried to find the snake.

Cliff, don't laugh at me.

No, I'm not... [laughing]

Cliff, if you love me, you are
gonna go down in that basement,

and you are going to find that snake
and you are going to get it out of here.

We're trying to find it, honest.

Well, you better, if you
want me to stick around.

Oh, I want you to... I
want you to stick around.

You know how I feel
about snakes, Cliff.

I do?

Oh, Cliff, don't play
innocent with me.

I was never afraid of snakes
until you did what you did.

I was 12 years old.

Sneakin' up behind me and
throwing that rubber snake

across my shoulders like that.

[laughs]

But I only did that to
show you that I liked you.

Cliff, you could
have thrown flowers.

If I had done that, then you'd
be afraid of gardens today.

What are you doing now?

I'm gonna get somebody
over here to catch it.

- Who?
- I don't know.

- The zoo.
- The zoo?

[laughing]

The zoo does not
want a garter snake.

Garter snakes go to the
zoo to see real snakes.

Well, then, I'll call
an exterminator.

For what? Cliff!

I am not gonna have a scaly,
wiggly, fork-tongued creature

crawling across
my kitchen table!

Okay, okay. But the thing
cannot come up the steps.

How do you know that?

Snakes cannot climb stairs!

Who told you that?

It is a scientific fact!

Then how do
snakes get into trees?

They fall off the cliff!

I'm calling the exterminator.

Okay, how does this
sound for the invitation?

"Party at Cockroach's
house, all night long."

"Be there." Can't say that.

See, 'cause my parents told me
the party has to be over at 10:30.

That's a drag! Yeah.

You know, I wouldn't have this
problem if I had my own apartment.

You know what?

You and I should get a place
together after high school.

Definitely! Picture it.

A big bachelor pad
overlooking the river.

And with dimmers
on all the lights.

And a bearskin rug on the floor.

In every room! [laughing]

Mm. [knocking on door]

Come in? Hey.

Dinner's almost ready.

Uh, Denise. [clears throat]

How would you like to come to a
party at my house next Saturday night?

Oh, Cockroach, I'm sorry, but I'm
leaving for college next Saturday.

That's all right. See,
because in a few years,

you can come to a party at our
apartment overlooking the river.

Oh, the river.

Yeah. And we're gonna fill the
place with things that women love,

like bearskin rugs.

Oh, yeah. We love those things.

[laughing]

You know what else we love?

Curtains that open and
close by remote control.

Remember that.

And I'm telling you
it is not that easy

to find a snake in the basement.

That man is professional,
Cliff. He knows what he's doing.

Ma, if the exterminator
catches the snake, will he kill it?

Well, I asked him not to. After
all, the snake is a living creature.

I believe that all
life is precious.

What about spiders?

Spiders, too.

What about sharks?

What about slugs?

Let's eat!

Thanks a lot for letting me
stay for dinner, Mrs. Huxtable.

- You're welcome.
- That's about it.

You caught the snake.

I didn't even see it.
And I looked everywhere.

In the rafters, in the storage
boxes, under the sink.

So, sir, would you
say as a professional,

it's tough to find a
snake in the basement?

It's darn near impossible.

- Ha!
- Especially in the basement.

People got something they don't
want, they stick it in the basement.

Something that don't work,
they stick it in the basement.

Lots of hiding
places... Snake heaven.

Well, maybe the
snake left the house.

Not likely. This time of year, snakes
start lookin' for a place to hibernate.

Hibernate? He's
gonna hibernate in here?

If it finds a warm place,
he'll be here till next spring.

You're kidding. Next spring?

Yeah. But don't
worry about that.

It won't be up here, because
snakes can't come up the stairs.

Where'd you hear
that? That's not true.

No, they can climb up stairs, up
water pipes, through air ducts...

You name it, they can climb it.

- Theo.
- I'm no expert, Dad.

Are you trying to say that we
have to live with this snake?

Bu-b-b-but wait.
It's not that bad.

They only get maybe a foot long.

[laughs] No, that's not true.

- They get longer than that.
- Okay, maybe they get a foot and a half.

That's not true.

They can get up
to three, four feet.

But that's not only if they're
out in the woods somewhere.

- That's true.
- Okay.

Unless they can find a nice,
damp place like your basement.

All right. Well, thank you very
much. How much do we owe you?

No charge. It's my pleasure.

Are you sure we can't
pay you something?

No, thanks. But please, don't tell
anybody I couldn't find the snake.

Take care. Bye, folks.

Did you hear him? This thing
could get to be four feet long.

Yeah, and it could be anywhere.

- It could even be in the air ducts.
- So, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to grandma's house.

Now, just wait a minute, now.
Nobody's gonna go anywhere.

We're not gonna let this
thing disrupt our household.

We're a family. We're a unit.

And life is going to proceed
at a very normal, orderly pace.

Am I understood?

[All] Yes. Fine.

Now, we're going to
sit quietly at this table,

and... and we're
gonna eat this dinner

that your father has
prepared for us with great love.

Now. Let's eat.

Cliff? Mm-hmm?

This is good. [laughs]

Good. What'd you put in it?

Artichoke hearts.
Hearts of palm.

And for a little flavoring, eel.

Cliff? Mm-hmm?

Am I gaining weight?

No.

You can be honest. See,
I can see it in my face.

No. No, I don't
see it in your face.

Where do you see it?

[chuckling]

Well, I am gaining weight.

And if I get too
big, will you tell me?

No.

Why not?

Because then you'll get angry.

Oh, Cliff.

I tell you what.

Why don't you ask the children? They'll
tell you, and you can get angry with them.

[snickers] Rudy in the bed?

Yeah. She's sleeping
with Vanessa. Thank you.

She was so scared, she wouldn't get
into bed till I checked under the covers.

That is terrible, being afraid.

You know, when I was
young, I hated being scared.

You are kidding me! [laughs]

You... You used to make me
take you to see scary movies.

You would say, "I want to
see The Haunted House."

"I want to see The Vampire
That Ate Up Detroit."

Those old silly
movies didn't scare me.

You lie!

No, they didn't!

You used to sit next to
me and squeeze my hand,

and then you would jump,
and put your arms around me

and bury your head in my chest.

Well, now, why do you think I
wanted to see those movies?

Oh, The Haunted... House.

And here comes... Dracula.

Eeeh! I love it.

[both giggling]

And I will bite, bite, bite,
bite bite, bite, bite, bite, bite...

Whoo, hoo-hoo-hoo! [screams]

Cliff! What's wrong?

Oh, Cliff. Cliff, it's
the snake. Oh, Cliff!

Cliff, the snake is over there. He's
right over there by the fireplace. Look!

Cliff, look! Look, Cliff!

What? What is it?
Look, the snake.

Where?

The snake's by our
fireplace, Cliff. Look.

Look! Cliff? Okay.

There it is. All right.
I'm gonna scream.

You can't scream, you'll
wake up the children.

I have to scream. Well, here.

Put the pillow in your
mouth. Go ahead. [screams]

[continues screaming]

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay. I'll go get Theo. No!

Don't leave me by myself.

All right, then you go get Theo.

- I'm not getting out of this bed!
- All right.

Okay. Now, I've got
to have some help.

Now you've got
to help me. Cliff.

All right? So.
Cliff. Try to get...

[screams hysterically]
Okay. What's the matter?

- Cliff, it's coming this way!
- [strangled grunts]

Okay, it's coming
this way. Oh! Oh, Cliff.

You gotta calm down. [gasping]

You have to calm
down. There you go.

Calm down. [laughing, crying]

I'll go... I'll get the
snake for you, dear.

[catching breath] There you go.

Okay. Now, where is
it now? Where did it...

[softly] Okay.
Now, give me this.

Take this, go over on that side,

open this up, and
just put it down.

And I'll chase the
snake that way.

You just... and... Okay?

[speaking softly, indistinct]

Come on. Get ready.
When I count three,

I'll scare him that way. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

He's already over
there. [screams]

Okay. Stay right where you are.

He's over there.

Now.

He's here. He's here.

Now I'm gonna
frighten him that way.

You drop the pillowcase,

scoop him up, all right?

Okay? You got it.

All right, it's here.

Hi, little fella.

You climb up the
steps all by yourself?

Cliff, don't talk to him!

Here we go, on
the count of three.

One, two, three.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

[screaming] Oh, Cliff!

Oh! Whoo! Hey, did you get him?

I got it! You got it?

Yes, I got it! All right!

- I got the snake! I caught it!
- There you go.

- You caught it? All right, all right.
- I caught the snake!

Good. Yeah. Give it to me here.

[Clair] Yes! What's going on?

I caught the snake.

Yay! Way to go, Mom! Yay, yay!

Well, what are you
gonna do with it?

I'm going to get dressed and then
take it out to the country and set it free.

Daddy, can I see the snake?

- Do you really want to?
- Yes.

Okay. Stay there.

- Do you really want to see it?
- Yes.

Okay. Here.

There.

It's not very big. No.

It's kinda cute. For
a snake. Uh-huh.

Mom, do you want to see it?

I've already seen it.

All right. I'm
going to set it free.

[sighs] I'm so
glad that is over.

Me, too.

Let's get some sleep, huh?

Okay. Good night.
[Rudy] Okay. Good night.

- Good night.
- Just hope it didn't have any babies.

[door closes]
[muffled screaming]

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