The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Valerie Saves the Show - full transcript

The Comeback - Season 1 Episode 6
"Valerie Saves the Show"

I'm ready, Jane.

Mickey, could you
clear or are you almost...

Finito?! I'm off like a prom dress.

I've never heard that before.

So tonight is the
premiere of "Room and Bored. "

- Yeah.
- No, I need you to say that.

Oh, sure. Of course you do.

So tonight is the premiere
of "Room and Bored. "

And can you tell me
how the reviews have been??

Well, I don't like to read reviews



'cause I don't want
to get caught up

in what the critics think, you know.

'Cause on the one hand you
have matt rouch from "tv guide"

who says?: "kitschy fun
to see Valerie Cherish

who shines at the end of the episode

in a very funny tag. "

And then you have
"people" magazine who says,

"Bottom line on'Room and Bored'...

was never bored, but there's
room for improvement. "

So...

I'm sorry, that's not
right. Wait a second.

That's not... I don't think
that... Mickey, do you have the...

reviews?? Yeah, good.
All right, thank you.

Um... yeah.



Oh no, that's "Entertainment Weekly. "

"Variety. " They didn't like it.

Here it is, yeah, "bottom
line on'Room and Bored'...

room for improvement,
but I was never bored. "

You know.

Legally I have to say
exactly what they wrote

Otherwise, you know,
we'll be screwed.

All right. If you guys
are gonna be living here,

there have to be
some ground rules.

Rule number 1?:

no sex.

Rule number 2?:

if either of us is horny,
disregard rule number 1.

Franchesca, honey,
you're in Juna's space, dear.

Oh, no. That's okay.
I don't mind at all.

- Rule number 3?: our panty drawers...
- Oh, you're sweet.

are strictly off limits.
This means you, mooner.

Yo, hold up?! That was
one time. I was cold.

- Oh, and my thong warmed you up??
- Damn S- Al EP#6 ID?!

Okay, rule number 4?: you guys
are responsible...

Where did you get these??

Um... my agent sent them.

Opening night gift basket.

Mark, you're making a lot of noise.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Hey, dylan, still bored??

Um, no.

Oh, my god, you guys.
I was so bad.

You were not. Oh, Juna
dear, you were wonderful.

You were just adorable and charming.

Everything good. All right,
quiet, everyone. Here's my tag.

Girls, I'm gonna unpack your groceries.

Condoms.

Oh, I hate when they do that.

That is so disrespectful.

Oh?!

What's that now??

What's that robot doing...

- I don't know.
- In my tag??

Well, all right,
no one saw the tag,

But everyone knows
when the pepsi 400 is?!

So...

unbelievable.

Well, it ruined it.

Now you don't know what
happened. Can't even tell.

- Could you tell what was in the bag??
- Yeah, there was...

- sex stuff in the bag.
- Yeah, at the end though.

What was in it at the end??
What was that??

You can't tell, can you??

Well you were there
at the taping.

You were all there
at the taping, so you know.

But what about
the rest of the world??

Franchesca, you weren't there.

Could you tell what was in
the bag at the very end, hmm??

It was a vibrator.
That's why it was vibrating.

Jane??

Probably shouldn't say vibrator
in front of a child, right?? Yeah.

Why are you so upset??

Mark, it was the premiere, all right.

and there's a lot riding on it.

The fact is no one in
america saw that tag, okay,

Which Matt Rouch would have had to
explain... to mention in his review.

- No one saw it.
- Honey, honey, the show is good.

- And you are good.
- Oh, thank you.

Come on. Oh, come on,
come on, come on.

Okay.

- All right??
- Yes.

Come on.

- I'm just gonna freshen up a bit.
- All right.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Sure.
- Oh, Mickey, I almost forgot.

- What is it, dear??
- I don't know if you're seeing anyone,

but there's this guy
in my building,

he's like 55 and so nice

and his lover just died.

Anyway, I think you guys
would totally hit it off.

So if you want his number or
something just let me know,

Okay??

I'll see you soon.

- Hey.
- There you are. You all set??

- Yup, I got everything.
- Good. There you are.

Thank you so much for
tonight, Val. It was great.

Juna, dear, it was my pleasure.

It really was.

- And you were so great, just phenomenal.
- Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

And your tag was really funny.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- It was...

Wish I weren't the
incredible shrinking woman

trying to fight off the terminator, right??

- We had fun though.
- Yes.

- That's the important thing.
- It was great. Thank you so much, you guys.

- I'll see you soon.
- Bye-Bye.

- So cute.
- Yeah.

Cute girl. Yeah.

I don't know. How many
people are there gonna be??

It's two cameras,
one sound guy and me.

Um, let me just ask my manager.

Okay.

Cafe Montana??

Get them.

I always forget we have
to ask permission

- before we go into one of these places.
- Val,

- I have to ask you a question.
- Yeah.

Did you tell Juna I was gay??

Did I... No, I didn't.

Last night she tried
to fix me up with a man.

and if you didn't tell her,
I don't know why

she would assume I'm gay.

Well...

I've got to check inside.

All I'm saying is my
personal life is personal.

I just don't want people wondering
behind my back if I'm gay.

Right, yeah, no. I know.

Uh, Jane, we're ready.

They don't want us
to shoot in here.

Really?? I used to come
in here all the time.

I'm a valued customer.

Are you in charge??

- Hi, I'm Valerie Cherish.
- Hi. Oh, hi.

Listen, we're just not
sure we want a reality crew

- in here during the breakfast rush.
- Uh-Huh, yeah.

Well, all right,
here's the deally, okay??

I used to be on a show
called, "I'm it?!"

and my friend...

Mickey and I used to have this
little tradition, you know,

after every show,
we'd come here,

dial a number to check
out the ratings.

So now I'm on this new show
"Room and Bored. "

And, uh...

yeah, so, you know, we just thought
it might be kind of neat to...

come here, and...
call that number

and check the ratings
like we used to.

- Cafe Montana.
- And it's for, you know, this reality show too.

So we're going to be saying,
"Cafe Montana, Cafe Montana",

- you know, all the time.
- J'adore Cafe Montana.

Yeah.

Sweetie, could I have
a cup of decaf

and a cinnamon bun, please??

- Oh what the hell, special occasion.
- That's right.

- Wanna check your ratings??
- Yeah, let's do that.

So for "I'm it?!"
we started at a nine

and then spent that
year building up to a 13.

So anything close to that.

Fast national ratings for tuesday.

"Hard knocks", 6.1, 10 share.

"Pray for Wayne",
5.4, nine share.

"Room and Bored",
3.5, six share.

For shows on competing
networks, press four.

What did he say??

3.5??

That's not good.

How many episodes
do you think they'll give us??

We should probably go, huh??

Mickey... start small, end big.

Right??

All right.

Miss?? Hi, can I get
one of those too??

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Comfort food.

They make it look so good.

- Is it hot??
- No.

Oh.

Do you want me
to have her heat it up??

No.

- Hi, everyone.
- Hey.

Aw, ratings blues??

- Huh??
- Mm-Hmm.

Got that??

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.
I was afraid of that.

Listen...

the writers are going to come
down, okay, to talk to us.

And here's what
they're going to say.

They're just going to say,
"look, the ratings...

yeah, not the
super bowl... not yet?!"

Right??

You know, but look, the thing is is that

it's important that we
stay positive, you know.

And we're a team.

So we've really got
to stay together,

be positive, keep our spirits up

- 'cause we still have a show to do.
- Attention, everyone?!

We suck.

Hey, 3.5... it's simple
math, people. We suck.

You suck and you
suck and you suck...

- and you, hey?!
- What about me??

- You suck balls.
- Ooh-Ooh-Ooh?!

Guys, guys, everybody ignore him?!

- It wasn't me.
- This guy yelled "you suck" at my wedding.

- Agh?!
- So you know...

listen, I just wanted to say the
network is okay with the numbers.

This was totally expected.
It's fine.

- It's... it's perfectly fine.
- Okay.

I just wanted to give
you guys a shout out.

Isn't that what
the kids are saying??

Kids are saying we suck balls.

No no, actually we do not
suck balls, all right??

But you know, what does
suck balls is our time slot.

That sucks balls. Kidding.

And also, you know,
another thing is that you

had this brilliantly
funny tag that you wrote

that I was lucky enough to
perform and the critics loved

and what do they do?? They
shove it over to the side

and then throw a robot in there

who's going, "bip-Bop-Boop,
must destroy comedy. "

Ugh, you know??

You know, if anything,
if you wanna be proactive,

the one thing you can
do is, you know,

you have those very
funny moments at the end,

you put'em in the middle of the
show, where someone can see'em,

you know...

Yeah, maybe we'll try
that tonight, you know,

when we're here doing rewrites
till 4:00 in the morning.

Are you here that late??
Oh really?? Wow?!

Just hats off, you guys,
killing yourselves for this show.

On behalf of all the actors,
you know what?? Thank you.

Thank you, Tom, Paulie G.
Thank you, Gigi.

And thank you...

- I want to say Barry.
- Milo.

That's right, Milo.
That's right, yeah...

and you know, all the others.

Leave no one out, thank you.

- All right, we're gonna head out.
- Come on, "Barry...

- all the others... "
- Very disappointed.

"Very disappointed... "

That's short for what??

Doesn't that smell good??

You should get that one.
That one's real good.

I should say what we're doing.

It's about 1:00 in the morning

and Mickey and I decided to
make cookies for the writers.

Uh... sugar crash.

He had about 10 of these.

Anyway, I just thought
it would be fun

to do a surprise late-Night cookie run,

just as a thank you to the
writers for all their hard work.

'Cause anyone can
send a basket now,

but these are homemade with love.

So...

Now, I think the key to baking is...

you cut them real thick.

into globs... like that...

Hang on, hang on one second.

- Yeah??
- It's just an audio problem.

- Uh-Huh.
- Can you fix her mic??

Okay.

That was good too.

Did you miss the...

Who's this??

- I'm Sean.
- Uh-Huh, hi, Sean.

Hey.

- Sweat kills these things.
- Oh...

You tend to sweat a lot.

I don't think I do.
No, I don't, not really.

I think you probably
sweat too much.

- I'm gonna have to replace it.
- All right.

You know what, I'm sorry, that's...

actually, I think that's
a union thing, a rule...

it has to be a woman, you
know, 'cause I'm a woman.

This isn't a union crew.

Yeah, no...
no, that's right,

Jane, could you
change this out for me??

Jane, we'll... we're
just gonna go in there,

thank you for understanding.

- Uh, Jane...
- What?? Yeah.

What happened to our regular
sound guy?? What's his name??

- Al.
- Al, yeah...

He worked all day. We had to
get a whole new crew for this.

Uh-Huh, yeah...

I'm not so sure about
my new friend, Sean.

Kind of creeping me
out a little bit, you know.

What are those... what are
those scratches on his forehead??

It looks like... looks like someone
was trying to fight him off.

You know...

thanks for doing this.

I'd do it myself, but I have
cookie dough on my hands.

Just... yeah.

- Okay.
- It's on.

That's good.

- Oh, right...
- Okay.

Well, I'm sorry, you have to...

That's good. Yeah, that's fine.

Thank you, yeah, good.

Isn't this fun??
Like a secret mission.

I know.

It's always fun to reward
people for their hard work.

Show them you appreciate them and
then they in turn appreciate you,

and the wheel goes around... karma.

Oh, this is it, Jane. It's this
room with the lights on.

Yeah...

Oh, you should get this.
What are they up to??

Oh yeah?! Ah?! Oh my god?!

Oh dear...

- that supposed to be you??
- Yeah yeah?!

- I got it.
- Okay.

Wow, look at them go.

I do wanna feel it?!

Oh my god?! Oh my god?!

Dude, they're at the door.
They're at the door.

- What??
- Shit?! Shit?!

All right, guys,
guys, guys...

We've got a mission.

Hello hello hello?!

Hi, fresh cookies, homemade.

- A little late-Night treat.
- Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome, no, thank
you for all your hard work.

Yeah...

Tom and Milo, Paulie...

Zack, Gigi, Arthur...

All right, I'm gonna
sneak out, okay?? Let you...

get back to your work.

- Yeah.
- Plugging away.

All right.

Thank you.

Do you want to talk
about what you just saw...

in the writers'room??

Yeah, uh... Jane, that was
nothing. It really was just,

you know, writers blowing
off steam, you know.

So you don't take that personally??

Oh, please, no.

No, it's a comedy show, you know.

That's... you know, part of
the creative process.

- So yeah, okay...
- Okay.

So you don't see
that as a personal attack??

Jane, you really
have to lighten up, okay??

Attack of what??
Attack of the giggles??

Got me... no no no.

It's late. We should
all go home, I think.

Okay?? Everyone drive...
drive safe.

We're all going home,
so go back to your...

home.

He was supposed to be
fucking her, right??

- You're okay??
- Yeah.

Do you want breakfast??
I'm taking orders.

Sure, yeah.

Sorry. Hey, Val.

- Hey.
- Um, are you okay??

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Still only in the tag though...

Oh no, I meant...
I meant about last night

you and the writers...

Oh, the writers?!

Oh, they were just
horsing around.

That's, you know, that's
what they do, you know.

That's...
Who told you??

- Mickey told me.
- Told you what?? What happened??

Nothing, it's not even
worth talking about, it's

- no big deal...
- Val, yes it is. It's a huge...

Valerie went last night
to the writers' room at like

2:00 in the morning
to bring them cookies.

And when she showed up, Paulie
had Milo bent over the table

and Milo was pretending to be Valerie

and Paulie was pretending
to fuck Valerie up the butt.

Well, it's just...

Okay, what do I want
for breakfast??

- I don't wanna hear about this.
- I know, isn't it awful??

What do I want?? You know
what I want?? The fruit.

- Uh, the seasonal berries??
- Yeah.

- Or the melon salad??
- Yeah, all the fruit. That's good.

Val, you know, it's awful.
They shouldn't do that to you.

Well, okay, here is the thing
about writers, all right.

They have to simulate sex 'cause
they don't get any real sex.

Jane,

Jane, that's not true.

That's not true. Writers
get a lot of real sex.

Okay, that's enough, I don't have
to listen to this. I'm a christian.

Oh, shit?! Oh, god?!

- Is that for real??
- Yeah.

I totally forgot
that she's a christian.

I didn't even know.
I didn't know. I had...

It is a scorcher?!

Nice fan, Mickey.

Oh, thanks. $2, Chinatown.
I have a whole drawer full.

Hello??

Please hold for Jason Silver.

Oh, sure, yeah,
Jason Silver. That's...

you know, the big producer
of "The Comeback. " So...

Jane's boss, the big cheese.

- Valerie, Jason Silver.
- Hi, stranger.

Val, I'm getting on a plane in a
second, so we gotta to make this quick.

We have a problem
with the black Jesus freak.

You mean Shayne?? Yeah,
she's lovely. Lovely girl.

Uh... we're rolling,
right, Jane??

I'll go again.

We have a problem with the
African-American christian.

- Jane, is that enough time for an edit??
- Yeah, we're good.

Her lawyer faxed us a letter.

Okay, she's a christian.
There's too much talk about sex.

She will not appear
on "The Comeback" anymore.

Well, you know, she's a minor
character, so we don't need her.

Val, we don't know
what we need,

plus she's one of the hot
kids on "Room and Bored. "

How can we explain that
she's not on "The Comeback"?

Right, yeah.
You know, we could...

maybe like those
other reality shows,

say she got fired,
or voted off or...

look, frankly, Val, the christians,
that's like 40% of the viewing audience.

Are they that much?? Wow?!
God love'em.

Okay, I'm getting on a plane.
You've gotta fix this.

All right, yeah, no,
I'll fix it, I'll fix it.

Shayne, it's Valerie.

Can I come in??
I have cameras.

- Hi.
- But we'll

shoot over your shoulder.

You know, to protect
your religion and privacy.

- Okay.
- Okay, she said okay.

- Okay.
- Let's get on the other side.

Through there.

- Just here and here??
- Yeah.

Ready?? Okay.

Thank you so much for
meeting with me, you know.

I just thought maybe if you
could tell me what the problem is,

maybe we could work it out.

I do not want to be associated with a show
that does not promote christian values.

Uh-Huh, not to be difficult,
but "Room and Bored... "

That's a sitcom. My character on
"Room and Bored" isn't a christian,

but on "The Comeback," I'm me.

I see... that's the difference, yeah.

I see, yeah...

but you know, I think, you might
have the wrong impression of me.

I am a... very spiritual... being.

Are you a christian??

Well, no, I respect
all religions, you know,

as being... important

and valid... holy, you know...

and as a celebrity
I don't think it's right

to endorse any specific religion.

You know, that's a very private
thing and each individual has...

Well, I'm a christian and I don't think
jesus would approve of reality shows.

Mm-Hmm, yeah,
well, I think he might.

I think he might
because you know...

first of all...

he allows them to happen.

You know...

and in... second of all,

he's put this one
in your path, didn't he??

I mean, you know, maybe you
could use my reality show

to show the reality
of christian life.

Well...

let me close my eyes
and pray on it.

Okay, I see it.
Yeah, I see what you mean.

- Oh, are you back in??
- Yeah, I'm in.

Oh, good, oh?!

Oh, good.
Oh, I'm so pleased.

Oh, I'm so pleased that you're
gonna partake of my show.

I really am. That's good.

Uh, can we shoot your side
of the conversation now

so we can edit it all together??

- Oh sure, sure.
- Okay, you remember what you said??

- Yeah, I just gonna put a little powder.
- Powder, yeah, sure.

Hey Paulie, you need a ride??

No, I'm all set, thanks.

- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Bye.

- Hey, Val, Val?!
- Tom, hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- That was such a good show tonight.
- Wasn't it fun?? Yeah.

That tag was so funny. It-It...

- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- It... oh...

Well, hopefully a big monster
truck won't roll through the screen.

You know...

You know... "screen".

- "through the screen... "
- Yeah.

Oh man, seriously.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize
to you about the other night.

Sometimes in the writers'room...

things kind of get
a little bit out of control.

- Yeah, no...
- You know??

Yeah, no apology necessary.

You know, I'm not one of those actors
who has no sense of humor, you know...

runs off to call a lawyer.

- Yeah.
- Yeah...

You know, I mean, we were
just blowing off some steam.

"Blowing off steam," that's what I've
been telling anyone who'll listen, yeah.

- Sure.
- Yeah, but it was just stupid.

It was... just really immature.

- No, it's really okay.
- So I... you know...

It's really okay.
You know, I get it.

When I was on "I'm it?!" I didn't
care what the writers did at night,

as long as there was a great script
waiting for me in the morning.

That's all that matters.

- All right.
- Right.

Okay, all right, so I'll see you.

Thanks for chasing me
down for... yeah.

Nice.

Jane, can you get this?? You
wanna zoom in on that, huh??

Can you see it??

"Aunt Sassy gets a boyfriend. "

Looks like I got
myself an episode.

Did you see that,
Jane, though??

Do you see when
you're nice to someone,

you bake them cookies and you
show them how much you care,

then you get rewarded??
It's karma.

Val, this is so great?!
I'm so excited?!

Okay, does everybody
have a script??

It's good?? Okay, all
right, let's get started.

Tom, I actually... sorry, I just...
I just want to say thank you,

Thank you to the writers for this...

funny, wonderful, great script.

Thank you so much,
Tom, Paulie, Milo, Gigi,

Zack, Arthur and Andrew.

Thank you so much for
your talent, thank you.

Oh and also, how about,
how about...

our amazing p. A. S??

Let's say thank you for
all their hard work too.

- Terry and Lauren.
- Thanks.

And now I know all of you.
You're all fantastic.

Thank you anyway, yeah.

Can I say something as well??

I'd like to say a quick
prayer before we start.

Lord, bless this reading
and bless our show.

I know the ratings
are gonna pick up.

Jesus has us in his pocket. Amen.

Amen...

Okay...

"Aunt Sassy gets a boyfriend. "

Written by Tom Peterman
and Paulie G.

"Act one, Juna and
Shayne sit on the couch. "

I'm bored.

Let's set Aunt Sassy up on a date.

Sure, let me get that list
of 60-Year-Old bachelors

I keep in my hope chest.

I was thinking, maybe
she'd like that southern guy

from the restaurant down the
street... Big Dick Perkins.

And Sassy has entered,

Looking a little more
dressy than usual.

Sounds good. I'll have one
order of Big Dick Perkins,

Hold the perkins.

Mooner and Stitch are
waxing their surfboards.

Aunt Sassy looks
at them longingly...

"Wow, you boys really
know how to wax your boards. "

Transcript?: Raceman

- Funny.
- So funny...

Synchro?: Seth Cohen

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