The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Valerie Demands Dignity - full transcript

Charla, a little person from "The Amazing Race," has been given her own reality show called "The Littlest Assistant." In order to cross promote shows she is made Valerie's assistant on "The Comeback". But Charla starts pulling dirty stunts to try and make the show more exciting, something Valerie wants to avoid, so she fires her.

The Comeback - Saison 1- Episode 5
"Valerie Demands Dignity"

Esperanza, I thought
we'd talked about this.

I think you used clorox
on the tile again, dear.

Yeah, you know it's all gritty.

Yeah, if I touch that
and then touch my eye,

Then we've got a big problem.

No?! Oh no?!

Sorry, Jane, I wasn't ready for you.

I don't have my lips on yet.

I'll be right out.

You have the tape, right??

Gotta put a bell around your neck
so you can't sneak up on me.

So... yeah.

So today should be fun.

Gonna do some shopping

On montana avenue in Santa Monica.

It should be fun for the, you know,
middle america to see.

Might be... kind of good.



Did you get the tape??

Jane, did you get that??
Did you guys...

- Yeah.
- You did. Yeah, okay.

Well... busted?! We're human.

Sometimes I wear no lipstick and
sometimes mark enjoys that kind of tape.

But not often. No, not often.

He has just the one...

and it's really old, you know.

Look at it. The cover's
all worn, see that??

So... better yet, don't see it.

The box is all worn.


Jane, yeah, I'm not
comfortable filming this.

You don't have to worry about what we're
shooting, cause we're shooting everything.

Juste it takes a lot of footage to make
an interesting reality show.

Right yeah, sure.

Yeah, I understand.

You have to make it interesting
but just not that kind of interesting,

You know?? That's not what
our show is, you know??

Our show is about a woman's journey.

You know?? About her heartfelt
journey back to herself.

Has dignity.

You know??

So... how'd that sound??

That's what I'm gonna tell Mary Murphy
from "TV guide" when I have lunch with her.

- Sounds good.
- Good, yeah, isn't it??

Good description of
the show, yeah, I think so.

Uh... yeah.

Let's... Why don't we just rewind
then and tape back over it??

It's the master, I can't rewind it.

Yeah, that's right, all right.
I forgot, yeah, never mind.

Okay, so what can we do then??
You know, cause I don't want to see that.

So, jane, what can we do??

We can, uh...

mark the time code and flag it.

And flag it?? Good.
Yeah, let's do that then.

All right, so... everyone just
consider this whole scene flagged.

All right?? Good.

All right, well, good, I'm glad
we cleared all this up, good.

Yeah, cause you know, this show is not
about, you know, "ladies loving ladies. "

It's about, you know,
this lady loving this lady.

You know, so... good.

Well, here we are on Montana avenue.

And I think what I like most
about shopping here

is the architecture, you know,

- the stores are really...
- Valerie, Val?!

- Yeah.
- Your...

mic wire is hanging down.

Again?? Oh, that's attractive, huh??

Boy, I'll tell you.

They can put a man on the moon,
but they can't make a mic pack

that doesn't make me look like
I'm not passing linguini, huh??

You know??

Beautiful day, huh, fellas??

Yeah. Nice to be outside.

We're gonna get some
great stuff today.



Yeah, what are we...
What are we doing??

You wanted to return those linens.

That's right, yeah. Okay.

All right, let's go.
Go on ahead.

Go on ahead and then, let's go, yeah.

Mickey... can...

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot one thing.
Go on ahead, yeah.

Pay for this. I only have...

Hi, I need to return some sheets.

- Okay, do you have your receipt??
- Yeah, right here.

- Great.
- I always keep the receipts.

That's smart, yeah.

How have you been??

Um, good.

And you??

Great, yeah, thanks.

You ever find that apartment
in Venice beach??

Oh, that might have been Karen.

She doesn't work here anymore.

Okay, yeah.

All right.

Yeah... so where do you live??

Um... Echo Park.

Echo Park. Yeah, oh, that's terrific.


That's east, right??

Off the, um... Off the 101??

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to... find other sheets.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Here we go.

That's percale.

Egyptian cotton.

Wow, this is boring.

Just stop, Jane.

Just stop. Nothing is
happening, you know??

No one's gonna... wanna watch this.

Just keep going, maybe
something will happen.

Well what?? What's gonna happen, huh??

What do you think??

Salesgirl gonna burst into flames??

You know, nothing's happening,
Jane, nothing's gonna happen.

It's just...

No offense, you know??

Is there something wrong??

I think somebody
needs an iced latte.

There's a starbucks right
down the street. Let's go, red.

That's... Yeah, just take a break.

So what do I do with these sheets??

Did you see this, Mickey??

I don't have my glasses, wait.

Well, apparently reality shows
are dying and nobody told me.

Unless I'm willing to have
drunk sex in a hot tub

Or eat a bowl full of cow testicles,

Nobody's gonna be watching.

It's sex and stunts,
sex and stunts, that's it?!

What do they know??

It's "Entertainment Weekly,"
Mickey, I think they know.

Believe me, nobody loves
reality shows more than me,

and you're already on my tivo list.


Want a sip of my chantico
drinking chocolate??

- No.
- Really?? It's delicious.

Listen to this, "television today
has a Coliseum mentality. "

Mickey, I don't do Coliseum.
I don't do it.

And you don't need to.

You have something those
other shows don't have...

Valerie Cherish, and you're enough.

You reading a book is enough.

You crossing the street is enough.

Trust me, sweetheart,

you have always been
and will always be enough.

Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right.

You're right, I don't
need sex and stunts.

My comeback will be
enough, of course, yeah.

So silly. Thank you, Mickey.

Oh, Victoria's Secret models are
getting their own reality show.

Are they?? I didn't see that.

- Yeah, mid-Season, like yours.
- Really??



You look great.

Thanks, Marky-Mark... love ball.

What you doin'?

- Oh, watching CNN.
- Hmm.

- Is this new??
- Mm-Hmm.

You watch your show.

Oh no, that's...
That's all right.

- It's all right.
- Yeah, it's okay.

No, I think I can do
something else, okay??

Mark, you have to stop.

The camera, the camera.

Honey, you have to stop.
You have to stop.

All right, help me out, Val.

Why did you dress like that
if you didn't want to...

Well that, ahem...
Can't I just give...

my sexy husband, a big-Girl
kiss goodnight, hmm??

'Cause I love him
so very very much??

All right, why are you
acting like this??


- There was an article in "Entertainment...
- What??

There was an article
in "Entertainment Weekly. "

- All right, what does "entertainment weekly"...
- That's our...

And it just talked about how
competitive reality shows are.

There's a lot of sex in them, so...

- Oh, I see.
- ... I thought I'd do something.

All right, then why stop??
Why not just go all the way??

'Cause I'm not that kind of show, Mark.

Oh, I understand. So you
gave me blue balls for ratings.

- Mark?!
- Nice.

Oh no, that's...

Now you're mad.

Don't be mad.

I'm gonna go into the bathroom, Mark.

- I'm gonna go into the bathroom.
- I'm tired of doing it in the bathroom, Val.

I just want to make love
to my wife in my bed

- and move around like we always do.
- We can talk about that later.

My knees are still fucked up
from kneeling on that tile floor.

I hit your head on the toilet last time
when I was trying to turn you over...

Okay, thank you for that.

Look, I think I've been
pretty accommodating,

running around, hiding
all my porno tapes...

Tape, one tape, just one.
That's all we have, Mark, okay??

'Cause that's not
who we are, you know.

It's fine, but...

We're... a very healthy...
healthy couple, you know,

with very... very loving...

Relationship based...
based on respect, you know.

That's who we are, you know??

And every time we are together,
it's like the first time every time.

And we're just... we're very lucky,
that's what we are. We are lucky to have...

All right, Jane.
Jane, just flag it.

Just flag the whole scene, all right??

'Cause... took care of it.

- Valerie?!
- I'll sit, yeah.

Actually I just wanted
to introduce you to someone.

Oh, okay.

Oh my god, it's Charla
from "the amazing race. "

Oh, I never saw it. Never.

Hi, I'm Charla.

Hello hello, I'm Valerie.

Hello, nice to...
This is Mickey.

It's an honor and a privilege.

You should've won. You played
with such dignity and grace.

Thank you.


We just wanted you to meet her.


Charla has her own
new reality show as well.

Oh, good for you.

I wanna show the world
that I can do anything

an average-sized person can do

and break all the stereotypes
about little people.

Wow, yeah, I can relate.

You know that's why I did
that hallmark movie

about the woman with
the awful headaches.

It's called "the littlest assistant"

and every week she is
a different person's assistant.


Check out this advertising campaign.

Cute hook. Looks like fun.

Much success to you.

So they were thinking that they
could cross promote both shows

and have her be your assistant.

Oh. Sounds fun.

I don't know, you know.

Val, I have seen this girl
round up a herd of camels,

descend into an egyptian tomb

and carry a 50-Lb.
slab of beef on her back.

Believe me, she can
pick up your dry cleaning.


Yeah, I just, you know,

don't want to waste
her skills, you know.

It's just... anyway, you know.

'Cause I think people are getting antsy here,
Jane. Crew needs to get back to their family.

- Sure, I'll let you go.
- Well...

Looking forward to
working with you, though.

Well, we'll... see what we can...
You know, if we can make it work.

Bye. Don't trip over a cable.

- Mickey, would you walk her out??
- Sure. Charla.

Ah. Well... ahem,

Jane, I'll appreciate a little heads up

Next time you want to
surprise me with a... surprise.

They wanted me to get your
honest reaction on camera.

- Well, how was it??
- Great.

- Oh.
- So great.

- Oh really??
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- So good.

- Okay, good.
- So what do you think??

Oh, about the being
my assistant?? I don't know.

You know, I don't know.

I mean, this isn't really...
It's not really a show about,

you know, a little person carrying
meat on her back, you know??

It is about a woman's return to herself,

you know, with dignity.

Not that carrying meat isn't dignified,

you know... it is.

It's just I don't know if we want
to go down that road, you know.

Just... you know...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You know, I'm just gonna call
Jason Silver right now,

and tell him that we're not
comfortable with it.

- Uh-Huh. Was this his idea, yeah??
- Yeah.

Just cause she's so popular and
he thought that it would help the numbers.


Yeah, he thinks she would
help the numbers, huh?? Well...

Silver lining productions,
can you hold, please??

...then let's do it.

- It's great. Let's do it, yeah.
- Really??

Yeah, why not?? Sure, he knows
what he's doing, you know.

It'll help the numbers,
yeah, ahem, sure.

Eh, let's not bother him.
He's got five other reality shows.

Let's not be the problem show.

- Right, yeah.
- Yeah

Good, cause he really thought
it would help the show.

Oh, okay, good, well, me too.

Me too. Okay, good.

Jane, is it because of the linen store??

It's my assistant, Charla.

It's not polite to stare.

Not polite.

Oh, thank you, great.

- All right, that's good, let's...
- I got that.

No, it's, you know, it's long
and I didn't want it to...

- You know, it's all right.
- I got it, I got it.


you go, girl.

You know, one second. I think
I'm missing something, wait a minute.

Yeah, I don't have the skirt.
I need the skirt.

It's a black Armani.
It goes with the suit.

I need it for my... I have a lunch
meeting tomorrow and I gotta have it.

Well, this certainly isn't boring.

- I've done this before.
- Have you??

Yeah, she's...
She's something. Yeah.


I learned a lot today from
a little lady named Charla.

I learned that dignity
comes in all sizes.

Some struggles are more obvious

and some are more...


Some people see Charla
at a dry cleaner and think,

"How is she gonna reach that??"

Some people see Valerie
Cherish's dreams and think,

"How is she gonna reach that??"

Two huge mountains...

two huge people,

no matter the size.

Well, this is a treat.

Not only do you keep me
on schedule,

But you drive me to my meeting too.

"Driving Miss Cherish. "

Lordy, Miss Cherish,
how you do go on??

That's my "driving Miss Daisy. "

And I could do more.

Rotate your tires, paint your house...
You name it, anything.

Oh. Well, aren't you something, huh??

I'm good for now,
but I'll keep you posted, okay??

A little back story on my
lunch meeting today?:

Huh, Mary Murphy and I have
known each other since...

Wow. Is that me??

- Hello??
- First time caller,

- long time listener?!
- It's mickey.

Hi. We miss you. You miss us??

We gotta get Charla a bigger car.

Anyway, so... what's up, doll??

Just wondering how
it's working out with her.

Oh, great. Just great, yeah.

- Hi, charla.
- Hi, mickey?!

All right.

We should probably go now so...

Charla, could you please say
a quick hello to my friend David??

He doesn't believe I know you.

Sure. Put him on.

- Hello.
- Hello, David??

This is Charla from "the amazing race. "

And now "the littlest assistant. "

Oh my god?! I love you?!

All right, we gotta hop off now.

- Sorry, darling.
- Oh my god...

Oh no.


I better pull over.

What's the matter??

- We're slowing down.
- Yeah, we sure are.

- What do you think's the matter??
- I think we're out of gas.

Out of gas?? What... Huh.

I guess I forgot to fill up.

I was busy with your stuff today.


I have this meeting that I can't miss.

Jane, I think you're gonna
have to call someone

- and have them pick us up.
- I can't do that.

What do you mean??
Why can't you??

They can't get involved.

It's like the time when the guy
fell on the fire on "survivor"

- and no one was allowed to help because...
- Yeah, that's all right.

Charla, I'm not a big fan
of reality shows so...

Those... those reality shows.

You know, this one isn't a game.

It's my life, you know,
and I have a meeting I have to...

It's all right. You know
what, I'll call a cab.

- I'll just use my own phone.
- We can walk.

We're right near the exit.

Well, we don't have time to wait
for someone to pick us up.

That's true, that's true.

- This isn't... this isn't working.
- Come on?!

I'm coming?! It's not working out.

We can do this?! Come on?!

I got heels and a dress...
How can we walk??

The restaurant's at the beach?!

Stay on the shoulder, though?!


Yeah, I know, I need...
I need a taxi. It's an emergency.

Okay, I'm on the 10 freeway.

The 10?!

I don't know, I think
the lincoln off-ramp.

I'm, you know, near there.

I'm not at an address, so I can't...

I'm not...

Charla?! No?!

- No, don't try it?!
- I've done this before?!

No no no?! You can't cross the freeway?!

You can't?! I go down the off-ramp,
dear, and then we'll cross over?!

This'll save us 20 minutes?!

Well, I'm going down?!
I'm going down the off-ramp?!

Just... she's insane.

Come on, Val.
We're going to be late.

Let's go?!

You know, you may want
to rethink the title of your show.

You can keep the "little" part,
but you're a bad assistant.

Okay, if I were as bad an actress
as you are an assistant,

Then I wouldn't have the balls
to make a comeback.

Really, it's just poor planning?!

I think this is pretty good planning.

What does that mean, huh??

Wait, Charla. Stop.

Did you... You ran
outta gas on purpose.

You're welcome.

Jane, she did it on purpose?!

That is way outta line, all right??

Way... I have...
I have a meeting

with a television critic

That now I'm gonna be late
for because of a stunt??

Oh, that is really

Wake up, Val?! This is reality TV.

You have to make it happen?!

No one manipulates my show?!

You are a very dishonest little person.

All right, I'm done.
I'm done here, Jane.

She can walk all the way back
to Marrakech or whatever.

I don't care. Let's go.

Jane, you have to make
a decision now, dear.

What's it gonna be??

What show are you gonna do, huh??

The sex and stunts show
or the dignity show??

Because this road leads
to Mary Murphy and dignity.

That's a beach bus?!
It's a beach...

It's going to the beach?!

- We can make it?!
- Go?! Go?!

Come on, we can
make it?! Come on?!

Oh?! Oh?!


Shoot. Wait?!

Oh, it's open. Let's go?!

No?! No?!

You stop?! You have to...

You stop for me?!

Open up?!

Thank you. I...

My crew's coming.
How much is this??

- It's 75?.
- 75?.

All right, Jane, you're
gonna have to pay, dear.

And we're in a hurry.

So if you could just get us
to the beach as fast as you can.

All right.

Welcome back.

Take this. And, Jane, you're
gonna have to call Jason Silver

- and tell him what Charla did.
- I will.

- Well, he needs to know.
- She's a loose cannon.

Yeah, well, he needs to know,

'Cause that's not our show.
That's not what we're doing.

- There you are?!
- Oh?!

Please, my purse.

Mary Murphy. Oh, I'm so late.

I don't know, I don't deserve a hug.

I don't deserve it.

Oh, darling, I am so sorry.

- How are you??
- I'm good. How are you??

I'm great, I'm great. And thank you so much
for meeting me in person like this.

I really appreciate it, you know.

- Would you like something to drink??
- Yes, I would.

Iced tea, that'd be good, yeah.

- Mm.
- You're bleeding?!

Ooh, uh-Huh.

Yeah, I had a little
trouble getting here.

The car ran out of gas

and then I fell trying
to catch the bus.

I'll ask the waiter to bring me
a band-aid or something. It'll be fine.

Well, at least you've got
some footage for your show.

Well, actually no.

You know, I know that's
what everybody's doing,

but we're going to buck the trend.

- Can you??
- Well, I think so.

We're gonna do something new

by doing something old-fashioned.

We're going to do
a reality show with dignity.

Oh-Ho-Ho, that would be refreshing.

Wouldn't it?? That's what
the world needs now...

Dignity, sweet dignity.

- Can I quote you on that??
- Yeah, sure. Of course.

Oh... oh, yeah yeah.

Mmm. Oh, Val.

Oh, that feels so good.

Oh yeah, lick my balls.

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's so good.

Oh yeah.

Oh god.


- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- Okay??

Yeah, I'm okay.

All right.

Oh, wait wait wait.
Stop stop stop?!


Is that little bathroom camera on??

No, of course not. I turned it off.

Oh, Val, oh.

Oh, it feels so good.

Oh?! Ouch?!

- You okay??
- Yeah.

- Yeah??
- I'm okay.

- Yeah.
- Here, lift me up on the counter.

I want to watch
myself in the mirror.

- Like that??
- Oh yeah.

Oh, that's good.

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh, you're blocking me.
- Yeah, okay.

Oh, Val?!

Transcript?: Raceman
Synchro?: Seth Cohen

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