The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Valerie Gets a Very Special Episode - full transcript

Still desperate to get on the good side of the writers, Valerie stops by the writing room at 1AM to deliver cookies. She stumbles on the writers mocking her in a sexually offensive way. When they confront her about it, she says she doesn't care what they do as long as the writing is good, which they mistake as a blackmail threat. They write a full episode that revolves around Aunt Sassy getting a date; the studio hates it and the show is put on hiatus.

The Comeback - Season 1- Episode 7
"Valerie Gets a Very Special Episode"

I haven't been to the writers'
room in such a long time.

I just hope I don't get lost.

So much to do, you know, when
it's your own episode, you've got...

Ooh?! Ow?! Okay.

That's all right. I'm all right.

Probably a bad place for that.
Maybe someone should move it.

Oh, nope. Nobody there.

No one in there.

There's Gigi. Hi, Gigi. How are you??

- Okay. She's busy.
- You don't.

She's on the phone.

- Asshole?!
- You guys know where Tom's office is??

Someone got hurt.

We'll find it. It's fine.

- Here he is. Tom Peterman.
- Writers'office.

This is it. He's expecting me.

Come in?!

So fun.

Are we having a casting meeting

with the cameras in the room??

Well, yes. You know, Aunt
Sassy gets her own episode.

It doesn't happen every week.

You won't hear me complain
if it does either, okay??

- Sharon, doll, you look great.
- Hi.

- Thank you.
- That a new haircut??

- Uh... no.
- Something's different.

The color. Changed
the color. It's softer.

- Yeah, thought so.
- Okay, we're ready.

All right, yeah.

- Sharon, you wanna...
- Oh, sure.

Just... give Valerie a copy of the list.

It's a list of names to
play Big Dick Perkins.

Do we need to wait
for Paulie G and Jimmy??

Well, Paulie G had to go somewhere
and Jimmy's not directing this episode.

Newsflash for ya.

I thought he was directing
all the episodes.


he was, but... now he's not.

So we got Wagner Fisk.

Wagner, that's a wonderful
idea. That's great.

Wagner Fisk directed the
whole first season of "it. "

So Wagner's wonderful.

Uh, can they not do that??

I mean I don't want a bunch
of agents seeing this list

and yelling at me'cause
their clients weren't called.

Yeah. Right. Need to be discreet.

All right, gotcha.
Yeah, okay. So, Jane...

I just think we need to respect
all avenues of the industry,

You know, all the other avenues.

Don't shoot.

- Okay, so...
- I need to look at it.

I think the first name we should
consider is Roger Van Houtten.


He played the coach
in "somebody pinch me. "

He's... solid, and
I know he's available.

- What do you think, Val??
- It's a great list.

I've just never heard
of Roger Van "Hootin. "

No, it's Houtten.

Sorry, Mr. Houtten...

"Hou-ever" you are.

- Cute?!
- Cute.

I mean, I guess my point
is we need to get a name.


He's N. I. See after his name, "N. I."?

- Yeah, what does that mean??
- Not interested.

What about him??

Out of town,

and N. I.

Okay. Well, I guess we need
to find someone who's V. I. ?:

"Valerie interested. "
Let's get some of those.

Yeah, just to point you in
the right direction there,

You know... Harry Hamlin...

Tom Selleck. Jane,
how great would it be

to have Tom Selleck on "The Comeback"?

Okay, so, Sharon,
let's get Tom Selleck.

- Great.
- Yeah?!

Yeah, Val, I don't think
we can get Tom Selleck.

Well, of course we can't. Not without
a personal call, but I can handle that.

- Oh, you know Tom Selleck??
- Oh yeah, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, I did a "Magnum P. I."

Back when I was
just starting out...

Played his godchild.

- Long time ago.
- I know. Oh wait, I'm wrong.

My bad. That's wrong.

I played a teen hooker... on "Magnum P. I."

I played Remington Steele's godchild.

It was the same year, so...

Wait, you were on "Remington Steele"

and "Magnum P. I." the same year??

- Yeah.
- That is... That's crazy shit.

Well, thank you very much.

Anyway, so I still
keep in touch with Tom,

so maybe I could pull in
a favor, gi him a call.

- Okay.
- Yeah, why not??

- Great.
- Great, yeah.

And just put another list together.

- Right away.
- Mm-Hmm, great.

- Did you read the script??
- Yeah.

- And??
- Funny.

- It's kinda dirty.
- Uh-Huh.

- Are they actually gonna let you do that??
- Oh, sure, yeah,

because it's classy dirty, you know,

like "Benny Hill. "
It's not dirty dirty.

- And it's all about you.
- Uh-Huh. 29 pages.

Mmm, I'm in every scene but three.

- You deserve it.
- Uh-Huh.

Did you like that scene
when she's trying on

all the clothes for her date,
her old '70s, late '70s??


What about the scene
where she's at the bar

- waiting for Big Dick??
- Yeah.

- Did you like the scene...
- Yeah.

I didn't say anything yet.

Oh, come on, it's early.

All right.


Mark, you're trimming
your nose hairs on camera.

The whole world's gonna see.

Oh, is Mastro's good
for wednesday night??

- What's wednesday night??
- The dinner with the

partners from my new york office.

And we can't bring the cameras.

These are business people. They
might be all stiff and freak out.

Yeah well, that's all
"mute" anyway, Mark,

because I can't go anywhere
wednesday night.

No no no. You have to go.
You said you'd go last month.

That's before I got an episode.

Come on. It's going to
be so boring without you.

Mark, I can't...

Thursday morning, we have
camera blocking, okay??

That means I have to stay home
wednesday night and learn my lines

while Mickey hennas
my hair. That... I...

We do a light layer

to make it pop. You know.

I'm sorry, but let's do it next week.

They're only gonna
be in town this week.

This week. Shoot.

Well... you know,

it's my own episode.

You hate me??

- I'm a bad wife??
- Mm-Hmm.

Tracy and Hepburn.

We'll just use this for the
bar and then we'll go to...

I think there's gonna be
too many people in that area.

and I think we should
have at least Juna...

- Let's do it.
- Well, I think I know that guy right there.

Valerie, it's so good see you.

- Oh, Wagner. Oh?!
- Mickey, how are you??

Same as ever, Wagner...

Too tired to keep going
and too crazy to stop.

- Oh, great.
- You certainly have your work

cut out for you, Valerie.

Don't I know it?? Don't I know it??

I just... I hope I'm up to Tom and
Paulie G's magical words.

Is this a current script??

'Cause I don't have
Paulie G's name on it.

Well, that's weird.

Who is "Boyd... Duzshesuck"?

What is that??

"Boyd Duzshesuck"?

- Who's Boyd Duzshesuck??
- Oh, no no no.

That's just Paulie G
playing a dumb joke.

It was actually a
writers' room gag joke.

Actually, I can get
you the right script.

It wasn't anything the network saw,

- so... it was only among us...
- All right, well, that's good.

- ... nutty writers.
- All right, 'cause that would be

- embarrassing for you, if...
- Yeah.

- It's a fun group, though, here, Wagner.
- Really??

And these guys, they all went to
harvard, if you can believe that.


Yeah. Don't worry, I'm
gonna get Paulie back.

When he comes down here,
he'd better watch out.

Actually, he's not coming
to the run-through today. So...

- Yeah, well...
- Okay.

...then I guess he's not coming.

Yeah, Jane, here it is.

Wagner always brings
pictures of his kids in.

- Mickey, you remember that??
- Oh, do I ever.

Well, actually, these
are my son's kids.

I still like to keep the family around

- To remind me what I'm doing all this for.
- Real important.

- Keep your priorities straight.
- Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause your whole life could
get eaten up by show business, right?

- You know I took some time off recently.
- No, I didn't know.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
this is the first one of these jobs

I've taken in almost two years.

- It is??
- Yeah yeah.

Carol and I split up.

She started drinking, and
she started hitting me.

That's when I said, "enough. "


sounds like you're ready
to have a little fun.

- Right.
- Okay.

Okay, let's just dive
in and do the bar scene.

Well, I was kinda hoping we
could do the closet scene.

- Let's do the closet scene.
- 'Cause I was thinking with those bead

curtains there, it would be real fun if I
could get all tangled up and caught in them.

- Love it, love it.
- Wagner,

would you like to order
lunch before we start??

Oh, sure. You know what
I love is the salmon

that they do at this little
place around the corner.

- It's so light.
- I was gonna order pizza. But...

- Hey, pizza it is.
- Great.

Jane?? Jane, are you
framed up on the curtains??

'Cause you are not gonna
want to miss this shot.

- Yep.
- Okay, ready??

Vogue vogue vogue vogue vogue.

Valerie, that is looking good.

Aunt Sassy is definitely on the prowl.

I know. Mickey, look at this.
Aunt Sassy's got back.

Huh, a little junk in the trunk??

- "A little junk in the trunk. " Uh-Uh.
- Peter, doll,

I hope you don't mind, but I was
digging through my closet at home,

and look what I found.

I wore it on "Knight Rider. "

- Oh my god, it's fabulous.
- Uh-Huh, isn't it??

- Mickey, what do you think??
- I love a leather anything.

Yeah. Well, yeah.

So I thought this could be great

in that scene in Aunt Sassy's closet.

And we should just fill it up
with all kinds of fun stuff.

Val, there you are.

Oh my God?! Oh my god, Val.

All I can say is "wow?!"

- Aw, baby girl.
- I mean I thought I had big news,

but that leather jacket is the
only thing to talk about in here.

She wore it on "Knight Rider. "

And I just saw one like it on Melrose.

- Oh, really??
- Yeah.

Well, that's enough about
me, y'all. What's your news??


this might be a little
lame to be so excited about,

But look, my CD came out.

Ooh, girl child, now you
have to sign that one for me.

Then I'll slap it on, and we'll
get a little Juna in the air.

Oh, yeah, you got a pen??

- I do.
- Okay.

- Here you go.
- It's fabulous.

Thank you so much.

Oh, and it drops at the end
of the month, so we're...

I'm sorry??

It drops. It's available in the stores.

- Oh, got it, yeah.
- So to promo it,

We're doing a show at the
Viper room this wednesday night,

and I want you all
to come?: my guests.

- Get out your dancing shoes.
- Yes, honey?!

Well, Mickey, darling, no can do.

No, we're... You're hmm-Hmming
my hair that night,

and I'm going over my lines.

Oh, no, Val, you have to come.

We're opening for cake.

- I don't...
- It's a band.


Yeah, I mean, everyone's coming.

Jane, tell her she has to come.

It'll be great for the reality show.

I mean, Val at the Viper room??

- What could be better than that??
- It'd be great.

Yeah. All right, Mickey,
maybe we can hmm-Hmm earlier??

- Sure sure.
- Yes?!

- All right, going to the Viper room?!
- Viper room, honey.

This comeback's going to the viper room.

- Get ready to rock.
- I will.

Franchesca, baby, grab a bun.

Oh, that's okay, daddy. I don't
want the bun. I'm doing atkins.

- Oh my god.
- Mark??

I don't know.

You don't need to be doing atkins. Here.

Hello?? Thank you.

- Hi, Valerie. It's Sharon.
- Hi, doll.

Hi, what's up??

I have another list
of names as fallbacks

for Tom Selleck.

If we need a fallback.
I spoke with his assistant.

I'm still waiting for Tom
to call me back, but...


Okay, there's Jerry
Stiller, Wallace Shawn,

Robert loggia.

Honey, come on, we're trying to eat.

I'm having dinner, so
I'm just gonna hop off.

Okay, dear. Bye.

Well, they are way off track.

I thought you said "no
work calls during dinner. "

I had to take that one. Did you hear
that list she was putting together??

Well, it's your rule so we could spend
a little uninterrupted time together.

That's right, yes. You know what I
was thinking that might be really fun??

Juna's band is playing at the
viper room on wednesday night.

We should go. It could be so fun.

Oh, I see. So when it's your stuff,

You don't have to stay in.

Well... no.

Mark, not at all.

I wasn't planning on going at all.

Okay, it's just...
Everybody is gonna go,

and I need to show
some support, you know??

and I guess it's good
for "The Comeback"

'Cause Jane is practically
forcing me to go,

So I just thought that you'd...

Well, you are, Jane,

practically forcing... So...

anyway, I think it would
be fun, and you like music. So...

All right, well, we'll go to dinner
and then we'll go there.

Well, but see, I mean...
I still can't go to dinner.

You know, absolutely not, Mark.

I'm gonna be working right until
the last minute, okay, so...

But how about this?? I meet you
and your friends there at 10?:00.

Okay. Do they need some names?? I mean, is
there some sort of guest list or something??

- Probably, yeah. I should write them down.
- Okay.

Jake Benvenuti.

"Jake. " How do you spell the last name??

- B-E-N...
- "B-E-N."

V- E-N.

Sorry, I thought you said "B-E-N."

- I did.
- Okay, "B-E-N... "

V- E-N.

It may be quicker if you do it.

And action.

Wow, look?!

Sorry, Aunt Sassy.

That's okay, Cassie.

Think you may have just saved
me a fortune on a chemical peel.

Look at all this awesome stuff?!

It's like going back in time.

Really?? Then why are
my boobs still sagging??

Look, tight jeans.

They're perfect to get Big Dick.

Well... I haven't had anything
that tight below my belly

since I was half-swallowed
by that snake on safari.

Aren't safaris expensive??

Yep, and worth every penny.

What's this??

Oh, I forgot I even had
that. It's my beaver.

So big.

You have a big beaver.

Oh, I wish I had a big beaver.

Well, now hold on. Not
every man likes a big beaver.

Come on, Aunt Sassy,

What man doesn't like a big beaver??

My ex-husband.

He said my beaver scared him.

I think that Big Dick will
love your warm furry beaver.

Juna, don't start.

It's that face.

This one??

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

All right, baby girl, baby girl,

All right, tell me about
my big beaver again.

Blooper bonanza here.

- Tom.
- Lady beaver.

What's going on??

- So fun today.
- God, that was such a good job.

I defy anybody that can make fun
of their beaver better than you.

That is a compliment.

- Thank you.
- No, I mean it.

Great, so you're gonna tell Paulie G,

who's M. I. A. ?: Missing In Action.

Is he okay... physically??

Yeah, he's fine. He's...

No, he's just...

Just not here. Yeah, okay, yeah.

Good. All right, but you'll
tell him that it went well??

Just so... he doesn't think he
needs to rewrite anything.

No, he doesn't even care.

He's cool with whatever I say.

Great great. Good.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- No, we're golden.
- Golden. We're golden.

- All right. I'll see you at Juna's??
- Rock the house.

I have to be honest with you, Big Dick,

I haven't been on a date in awhile.

Well, how long has it been exactly??

Well, I'm not sure. I'd have
to check the cave drawing.

Well, Miss Sassy, as far as I can tell,

you haven't lost your touch.

Mickey, I don't think you should
do the accent. It's throwing me off.

Tom might do a different
accent, that's all.

What do you think?? Should I
call his assistant again or...

Nah, he'll call.

What's this??

Oh, that's your Robert??

Oh my gosh. I didn't even recognize him.

- How old is this picture??
- In case you don't get Selleck.


All these years, I've never asked, red.

Now I know. I think, you know,...

they really wanna get a name.

- Well... keep him in mind.
- Okay.

He's perfect for the role of Big Dick...

...if you get my drift.

You know that overhead camera??

It's probably on.

Excuse me, excuse me.
Pardon. Thank you so much.

Thanks, Jane. Thanks.

Just don't want anyone
to spill on this coat,

'cause it's in the show friday, right?

Paulie G, yo?!

Hey, stranger. Hello?!

Been missing you in the clubhouse.

So Mr. Tom Selleck is interested.

Personal favor. I know him.

- "Magnum P. I."
- That's right. That's right.

Yeah, real fun script. Bravo.

I didn't write it.


fun crowd, huh??

My husband's here.
He's getting us drinks.

- So wonder when Juna's band...
- Yo, man, what's up??

Valerie, Valerie?!

Is that Peter?? Peter.

Valerie, hey, girl.

Hey, Cathy?!

Someone's gonna spill. I just know it.

- Here ya go, babe.
- Thank you. What is this??

Red Bull and vodka.

I asked for white wine.

- Val, it's a rock club. Just go with the flow.
- Okay.

This guy looks like he's all business,

but you get him out of
the office and he's wild?!

- Is he??
- Yeah.

Val, you better drink
that. You'll need the kick.

The bartender told me that they
don't even begin until 11:30.

Hey, this is pretty good.

* everyone is out to get ya *

* don't give in, don't let go *

* face up to the wave that breaks you *

* be what you know, to-to be bold *

* don't know what's building up inside *

* but I can feel it in my veins *

* I need to fly away *

* free me *

* to be *

* anything I want, anything I feel... *

Mark, Mark. The camera.

- Oh, fuck the camera.
- Well, I'm working.

Jane, would you like to dance??

Mark, no, she would not like to dance.

She's working too.

Just give us a few minutes,
and then we'll play, all right??

* anything I want, anything I feel... *

Valerie Cherish, lookin' hot!

* free *

* free me *

* to be *

* anything I want, anything I feel. *

Fucking Red Bull?!

I gotta be up in like two hours.

- This is completely fucked?!
- Yeah, I know.

Listen, Mark, listen.

I know, I just wanna tell you,

okay, I know I haven't been
completely present this week or at all,

but, you know, I'm an actress.

People think that it's all just
glamour and premieres and glamour.

They don't know that there's
a lot more to it than that.

Not to say that you're one of those
people, 'cause I know you're not.

What I mean to say, if
you can follow at all

what I'm trying to say, is
that it's just a lot of pressure

and responsibility for the show.

And when it's your show, 29 pages
of it, every scene but three,

Then I don't know where
that leaves us exactly.

I'm sorry. I don't. I just know
that I haven't been present,

And I drove you into the arms
of another woman tonight.

Oh, come on. No.

- I was just dancing with her.
- Dirty dancing.

And I know you think she's attractive.

- 'Cause she is. She's an attractive woman.
- With a flat ass.

- And you felt her ass.
- Oh god, come on...

All right, all right, all
right, I give up, okay??

If you're gonna leave me, there's
nothing I can do about that.

- Just not this week. Not this week.
- Val, Val.

Come on.

All right, you're not leaving.

All right. Good god.

Probably just the Red
Bull talking, right??

What is in that stuff??
I can't even blink.

My head's buzzing. It's just buzzing.

I know. It reminds me
of the time we did coke.

Great. All right. Jane?? No.

Absolutely not. No.

- Does that even work??
- Well...


- What are you doing??
- What do you think I'm doing??

- You can't.
- I can't have that thing.

- I said about us doing coke on tape.
- You just said it again.

- You said it just now.
- Jesus, now I gotta break it.

Oh, Mark, no, look,
that's an expensive camera.

I'll write them a check.

Ready for a long day??

In almost every scene.

Where is everybody??

Eddie, where's everybody??

Oh, hey, Valerie.

Hey, what's going on??

Did someone die??

No, no.


I've got some...

not-so-great news.

The network is shutting us down.

They feel the show is going
in the wrong direction,

So they're just gonna give us
another couple of weeks to retool.

- Okay
- Yeah

Tom Selleck is gonna call any minute.

Were they informed of that??

Okay, all right.

So when we come back, we'll
do the "Sassy" episode then??

Actually, the network,

they didn't really respond so
well to the "Sassy" episode.

so we're actually just
not gonna do it at all.


Told ya.

That was helpful.

So... okay. What...

What was their problem
with the episode??

Yeah, it's not important.

It was... so funny, you know??

I can't imagine what their
problem would be with it. So...

I'm a big girl. You can tell me

Exactly what they said.

Well, they said it was like

" 'Sex and the city' meets 'cocoon. ' "

- You asked.
- Yes yes, I did.

Sure did. Okay. All right, well,

then I guess it's back
to the drawing board.


The "room and bored" drawing board.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll see you soon.

Okay, good.


Poor guy, you know??

Tough road ahead of him.

That's tv for ya.

You know. If it ain't broke,
then break it, and then fix it.

You know??

It's happened so many times.
Some of the classic shows too,

where they shut them down
and then retooled, so...

Which ones??

You know, I gotta...
Put a pin in that.

I just wanna get my jacket 'cause Mickey
brought it to the set earlier today...

The kind of thing if you
leave it here... it's gone.


Oh, hi, Tom.

Oh, yeah. So you read it?? Yeah.

Oh, glad you liked it.

Yeah, no, well...

TV's dirty now, Tom. So, yeah.

Yeah... listen, before you say yes,

you should know that
they shut the show down.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, it's too bad. I know.

Well, yeah, maybe some other time, yeah.


Yeah, no. Listen, if they
resurrect my big beaver,

I'll give you a call, okay??

Yeah, no. Yeah, I'm okay.

All right, so you take care.

All right. And thanks so much
for calling me back, darlin'.

Appreciate it. Okay.

Bye bye.

That was Mr. Tom Selleck.

Should have put it on speaker.

Transcript?: Raceman

Synchro?: Seth Cohen



- We're not shut down...
- No.

- ... are we??
- No, I don't think so.

Okay, 'cause I got a cute story

we can do O. T. F. ?: On The Fly.

It's a Tom Selleck story, so it fits.

So when I was doing my "magnum P. I.,"

he had this big, beautiful, colorful
macaw sitting on his shoulder,

And it was meant to stay there,

so of course, it wouldn't.
And it flew right at me,

right into my head,
got caught in my hair,

and I freaked out. I was 17 at the time.

I think it was 17 takes.
Kept bringing in other birds.

It's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

That's the story.

- It's good.
- Yeah.

Are you coming, or
are you gonna meet me??

That's all right, we can meet up later.

www. forom. com