The Cleveland Show (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - How Cleveland Got His Groove Back - full transcript

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪

♪ And I am proud to be ♪

♪ Right back in my hometown ♪

♪ With my new family ♪

♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear ♪

♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place ♪

♪ Where everyone will know ♪

♪ My happy mustached face ♪



♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

The Cleveland Show 2x03
How Cleveland Got His Groove Back
Original Air Date on October 10, 2010

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I was at that Joseph
Gordon-Levitt movie.

I wonder if I urinated
on the floor,

if it would make it
all the way down to the front.

Hey!

So, how's our new drag race
machine thing looking?

She's ready.

No thanks to you.

I'll fire her up!

All right!
Yeah!

Go, Greased
Lightning!



With me at the wheel,
we're gonna win that race

and raise thousands of dollars
for feline diabetes!

You at the wheel?

Oh-ho, you ain't driving;
I'm driving.

What do you know
about the sport of racing?

I'm pretty sure I can handle it,

seeing as I've been driving
since I was 29 years old.

This is drag racing.

Then I'll dress up
like a woman.

But I did
all the work.

Built this car with
parts from my yard.

Hell, the wheels are
off my mother's house.

Let's put it to a vote.

I vote me.

Uh, Cleveland.

I'd drive, but
I'm grounded.

Left a wet towel
on the carpet.

So Cleveland.

Hooray!
I'm the driver!

Damn it! A black guy
can't drive a race car.

Driving a race car requires...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
write it down,

and I'll tell you
if you can say it.

No, you can't say that.

So, it's the bottom of the
eighth, and I'm in a rundown.

I run toward third,
then home,

then third, then home,
third, home, third, home--

this happens 42 times.

Wow!
Unbe-freakin'- lievable.

Coach McFall called it
the greatest rundown

he'd ever seen
in his life.

You know, Cleveland,
I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog

than another one of
your baseball stories.

You're just jealous because
you never played a real sport.

Oh, uh, uh, smack!

Baseball ain't a sport.

Not a sport?!

You, sir, are
an ignoramus,

and you wouldn't
know a grand slam

from an admittedly
delicious

and horrifically salty
Denny's meal.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

You think so?

I know so!

Why, you rootin',
tootin'...

I'll bet I could
strike you out!

Wha...?
Strike me out?

You heard me!

Tomorrow at the field!

You're on!
I'll whiff you so bad,

they'll feel the breeze
in Cooper County!

That's very far away.

Or maybe I'll hit a home run
that lands in Cartwright County!

Wow, that's even farther.

Okay, guys, closing time.

Oh...

Oh, man.

This is going worse than
Paul Giamatti's last physical.

Yeah, you're gonna
want to get...

this replaced.

Well, Gordo, good thing we
woke up here this morning.

Otherwise we would have
missed this epic battle.

You said it, Angus.

Local bucktoothed disgrace
Lester Krinklesac has bet

he can strike out former
Stoolbend High School
baseball legend

and current nonunion cable
installer Cleveland Brown.

First Kendra, now this.

Thanks a lot, beer.

Well, here we go.

Brown steps in
and adjusts himself.

Crotch arrangement very
important in baseball.

You can't say that enough.

Both players today going
with the left pant leg.

And it looks
like Krinklesac's ready.

Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwonnnnnnnnnn!

Somebody call the cops!

This man's trying
to murder all the worms.

Oh...

Buuuuuuurrrrrrrooooooooooo!

Great throw.

Does your husband
also pitch?

Who am I, everybody?

He's Lester.

Here, I'll give
you this one.

Ow! Doo-doo balls!

Ba-thra!

Oh, three and 0 already?

I don't wanna go back
to work yet.

Tell you what,
I'll swing at anything.

Steerikkuhhh...!

You call that a pitch?

Here's a pitch:

It's I am Legend meets
Maid in Manhattan.

Put Ryan Reynolds in there
and call it a day.

All right, let's go!

Foul ball!

Damn!

Stee-two...!

Oh, no, strike two!

Hey, Lester, they should call
you Larry King's chair,

'cause you stink!

Lester stinks!

Lester stinks! Lester stinks!
Lester stinks!

Lester stinks!
Lester stinks!

Lester stinks!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Lester stinks!

Lester stinks!
Lester stinks!

Move it, pudge!

I'm taking over.

Kendra, what are you doing?

Lester, you can do this.

Remember the winter we had
to survive on skunks?

And we covered Ernie
with skunk urine

to attract skunks
which you'd kill

by throwing rocks
at the skunks?

And you killed those skunks
without hittin' Ernie,

because you knew
if he was hurt

we'd lose our skunk bait?

Vaguely.

What's your point, big 'un?

Well, the baseball is
the rock,

this mitt is the skunk
and Cleveland is Ernie.

I don't know.

I just don't...

You do this, and I'll
let you suck my toes.

A wide miss, Kendra.

A wide miss.

Yech!

But I appreciate
the sentiment.

Now, I've got
a job to do.

Come on.
Right down the middle.

It's tater time!

♪ ♪

Stee-- three!

Outtadeh...!

And down goes Brown!

Down goes Brown!

I don't believe what I just saw!

Do you believe in miracles?!
Yes!

President Reagan has been shot!

Soylent Green is people!

Fahrvergn gen!

Kendra! Kendra!!

Lester!

And there is no joy
in Stoolbend.

Mighty Cleveland has struck out.

Stick with me, fellas.

You'll learn a lot.

Uh, Lester,
you're in my seat.

Not just about baseball,

but about politics,
home remedies,

the black experience in
the American South...

I would take this one,
but your feet are on it.

Mad TV sketches, rust,
living with obesity...

There were
no other chairs available,

so as long as no one wants
to play Pac-Man...

Well, lookin' forward to winning
that drag race for our team.

Yeah, me, too,
which is more relevant

since I'll be driving.

Yeah, Cleveland,
uh, we uh, decided

to, uh, make Lester
the driver, since,

uh, he, he, is, uh,
you know,

better than you
at a baseball.

What?! Is this all
just because I...?

Hey! I wanna play
Miss Pac-Man!

Oh!

Depressed.

Is something wrong,
Cleveland?

No.

Yes.

What is it, Cleveland?

You know Lester
and Tim and Holt?

Yes, I know them.

Ever since I struck out,
they don't think I'm cool.

Oh, poor baby.

Well, you don't need them.

Maybe it's time to find yourself
some new friends.

Fine.

I'll go out
and get drunk.

You make dinner and put
the kids to bed

and fold my laundry,

and then take
the bus to the bar

and drive me home.

Hear ye, hear ye.

We have a new friend
joining us tonight.

So let's all raise
our glasses.

I'm kidding!

Drinking glasses!

I'd like to propose
a toast.

Wish I had some butter.

Not that kind of toast!

To our new fourth Musketeer...

Toledo Blue!

Wait, wait,
that's not right!

Oh, here it is,
Cleveland Brown!

So, uh...

Uh, so, you guys watching
some football this weekend?

I do not own
a television.

However, I do rent one
every four years

for the Winter Olympics.

Oh.

Aw, they ordered a pizza
to the bar?

That's so cool.

Did somebody say "pizza"?

That's Italian!

♪ When the... ♪

♪ Moon hits your
eye like a big pizza pie ♪

♪ That's amore. ♪

Yeah, yeah, amore, yeah.

Oh, ho, ho.

This has been the worst 40
minutes of my life.

If you've come
for the urine jars,

they're under the bed.

No, Mom just wanted
to see if you're coming down

for dinner tonight.

Dinner?

What use is food for a man whose
life has no meaning?

So you're not coming
down to dinner.

Will you sign
my report card?

Well, let's see
how you did.

A, A-minus, A, A, A-minu...

Three tardies?!

No, I will not sign this!

If you're going downstairs,
take a urine jar...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
she's gone.

I got it, I got it!

Wee, wee, wee, wee,
all the way home!

Huh, that's just
the kind of thing

that usually cheers me up, too.

We now return to
Quinton "Rampage" Jackson

and Michael Cera in
Roots 2: Reparations.

Go, go, go!

Um, Kunta, is it?

Okay, Kunta, um,
it's no biggie,

but I made you a mix tape
for the ride, so...

Shut up, Quirky.

I'm taking my peopleack
to Africa.

Back to our roots.

My name is Kunta Kinte 9,000!

And you can Kunta kiss my ass!

Roots! That's it!

Donna!

No time for the stairs!

I'll take the dumbwaiter!

Donna! Donna!

At least the jackass is
out of bed.

Donna, are you
sitting down?

Cleveland, I'm standing
in front of you.

Good, you'll want
to be standing for this.

Oh, are we done acting
like a child?

Because I've figured out how
to get my mojo back!

I need to reconnect
to my roots...

by going to Africa!

Well, you know what?

I actually think
that's a great idea

for all of us.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, sure.

Everybody should come.

Even the kids?

I mean,
of course the kids.

We'll make it
a family trip.

Pack up
the urine jars!

The Browns are going
to Africa!

Yay!
All right!

It's always been a dream of mine
to go to Africa.

I can't thank you
enough, Brown.

I hope you find what
you're looking for, man.

Thank you.

Would you like to hear some
of my poetry?

Africa, Africa.

Bring me some
laugh-rica.

Gilded stone of yore,

bequeath unto me your
vast swaths of being.

I, like an Okapi,
run back to the womb.

Doom.

Gloom.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Silence.

And all is night.

May I have that?

My odes!

I'm gonna take a nap.

Junior, you're gonna
learn about your
heritage, too.

Did you know that our ancestors
came from Africa?

No, I thought
we were Scottish.

The hell's wrong
with you, Dad?

I'm 14.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is
your captain speaking.

"Captain." Sounds weird.

Last week I was
a baggage handler.

Anyway, please fasten
your seat belts as we begin

our initial descent
for our layover in Hawaii.

If anybody wants
to do peyote buttons,

meet me at baggage claim.

I'm going to see my guy.

♪ ♪

This place is beautiful!

Screw Africa.
Let's just stay here!

What about getting
in touch with our heritage?

Pork our heritage!

This place has mai tais!

Besides, Africa isn't going
anywhere.

And Hawaii's important, too.

The island provides
puka shell necklaces

for sunburned idiots
all over the world.

True.

But Rallo was so excited
to go to Africa.

What are we supposed
to tell him?

Welcome to Africa!

This is Africa?

Yup, this is Africa.

Let's go sightseeing!

♪ It's gonna take a lot
to drag me away from you ♪

♪ There's nothing that a hundred
men or more could ever do ♪

♪ I bless the rains down
in Africa ♪

♪ Gonna take some time to do
the things we never have. ♪

What a week, Donna.

Thank God
for credit cards.

Why did I care so much
about that stupid strikeout?

Remember that?

Lester struck me out?

We had that bet
and everything?

Funny umpire
and whatnot?

That stuff's
not important.

All it takes
to make me happy is

an oceanfront infinity pool
with a swim-up bar.

You know,
the simple things.

Well, uh...

You all right?

There's so much in my life
I was taking for granted.

My wife,
two great kids...

Three.

Yeah. This is what I needed.

No, wait.

There she is.

This is what I needed.

Oh, it's good
to see you back

to yourself again.

What's that?

I said, it's good

to see you back
to yourself again.

Oh, yeah.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And I love Africa.

Thought there'd be
more black people, though.

We're now landing at Stoolbend
International Airport.

We apologize ahead of time

if you had a pet in
the cargo bay-- they're frozen.

Here's a tip for next time:

don't bring your pet
on vacation.

They don't know the difference.

The local time is 2:44.

Oh, Donna, I feel
so much better,

but I bet
my former friends

didn't even notice
I was gone.

No way! Look!

What happened to our street?!

Hey, Cleveland.

What a cluster fudge, huh?

Cleveland, boy, are we glad
to see you.

C-Bro! Bad news.

Forgot to water
your plants.

Would somebody tell me
what the H happened?

Turns out years of inbreeding,
in this case,

did not make me
a good racecar driver.

I crashed and broke 95%
of my skellyton bones.

Yeah, uh, he couldn't pay
the medical bills,

so, uh, Holt
and I tried

to raise the money
with a car wash.

I tore open
the fire hydrant

so, eh, so we would have
enough water.

Dumbass didn't know how
to close it.

Katrina'ed my place.
Made a sinkhole.

House fell in.

Don't tell my mom.

Pulled the power lines with it,
and we lost all our power.

Meat was gonna spoil,

so all's we could do was throw
a big block-party barbecue.

I offered
to be grill master,

but, uh, because
of my big, clumsy bear hands,

I, uh, caught myself
on fire.

So, I, uh, stopped,
dropped and rolled

right into a pile
of dirty tires.

Anyway, while they were trying
to put me out,

uh, we forgot about the meat,
and, uh, now we got wolves.

I tell ya,
Cleveland,

none of this would
have happened

if we had let you drive
the car in the drag race.

See, Cleveland?

These guys do look
up to you.

They're lost without you.

You know what?

I guess they do and are,
respectively.

Hey, what about that blimp?

I honestly did not see
that until now.

Welcome, parents, second wives
and Central American nannies.

Today the kindergarten class
will present

their very first oral reports on
a subject matter

of their own choosing.

First up, an adorable
little pisher

with the cutest little punum,
Rallo Tubbs.

Welcome to my report,
"My Journey to Africa."

When did Rallo go
to Africa? Oh...

Africa, a tropical paradise

with white, sandy beaches
and PGA-rated golf courses.

Africa's major exports are
pineapples...

macadamia nuts...

and Jack Johnson.

Each morning when you wake up,
they leave a copy

of Africa's number-one
newspaper, "Oosa" Today.

And after several of what are
called "grown-up drinks,"

it is customary for the elders

to sleep half-naked until 3:00

and let you swim in
the ocean alone.

So, in conclusion, I would like
to say thank you.

Or as they say in Africa,
Mahalo,

for coming to
the Mauna Kea Four Seasons.

Hey, what a cool dad!

Took his kid to Hawaii!

Bye-bye.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==