The Cleveland Show (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 2 - Cleveland Live! - full transcript
In an animation first, the episode offers the audience a behind-the-scenes look at the "filming" of the episode. When Cleveland and Donna attempt to celebrate their anniversary, their unruly kids and disruptive friends, including Donna's ex-husband, Robert, get in their way.
ANNOUNCER:
December 17, 1989.
History is made.
America says hello
to the first
non-prehistoric family
in prime-time animation.
BART SIMPSON (echoing):
Ay caramba!
(audience laughing)
ANNOUNCER:
January 12, 1997.
History isn't done.
King of the Hill premieres,
taking America
by light drizzle.
HANK HILL (echoing):
I sell propane.
(audience laughing)
ANNOUNCER:
January 31, 1999.
Knock-knock. Who's there?
It's history again,
as Family Guy premieres.
STEWIE (echoing):
Ay, caramba!
(audience laughs, applauds)
ANNOUNCER:
And then, history makes
its first mistake in history--
it cancels Family Guy.
ANNOUNCER:
August 12, 2004.
Eric Hammel, a misogynistic,
pot-head loner from Cincinnati,
walks into a store
and buys a Family Guy DVD.
History is listening.
(quickly):
American Dad is also a show.
But tonight,
the biggest history
in the history of history
will be made.
Because,
for the first time ever,
prime-time animation
will be going... live!
From Fox Studios,
in Century City, California,
it's the first-ever live
telecast of an animated series.
This is...
The Cleveland Show Live!
With special guest star
Julia Roberts!
Brought to you by Circuit City!
Circuit City--
there's one left!
Come find us!
Featuring the Walter Murphy
Orchestra.
(audience applauds)
And now, an overweight,
bumbling, cartoon dad...
Cleveland Brown!
(applause)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back for season two ♪
♪ With my new family... ♪
(timpani roll)
Ladies and gentlemen, the
original Solid Gold Dancers!
(applause)
♪ There's old friends and
new friends and even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
where I don't take no jive ♪
♪ Screw The Amazing Race ♪
♪ You're watching
Cleveland Live! ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(chuckles)
Thank you!
CLEVELAND (amplified):
Thank you!
The Cleveland Show 2x02
Cleveland Live!
Original Air Date on October 3, 2010
(audience applauds)
Whoop, here I is!
That's gonna be my new
catchphrase for season two.
(audience laughs)
Mine's gonna be
"Teddy Bear Picnic."
(audience laughs)
You know what? Forget it.
Catchphrases are stupid.
Party over here!
(audience cheers and applauds)
Boys, I--
(applause continues)
Boys, I need--
(applause continues)
Boys, I need you to
go pack your things.
You'll be spending the night
at Robert's apartment.
Dad's place?!
All right!
I bet he takes me
to the outdoor mall,
so I can drum on
buckets for change!
(imitates drumbeat):
Ba-doo-doo-da!
Ba-doo-doo-doo-doo-ba,doo-doo,
doo-doo-do-do-ba-do-ba!
Now, that's funky.
Dad, are we being sent to
Robert's to scare us straight?
No, I paid Robert
to watch you
so Donna and I can have
the place to ourselves.
It's our first anniversary,
and I've planned
a big romantic dinner,
which could very well lead to
slow dancing,
the recitation of love poetry
and other things that are too
taboo to be discussed.
(titters)
If I were Bernie Mac, I'd be
sittin' in a chair right now
telling America
how stupid you are.
Miss you, Bernie.
(audience whistles, applauds)
MAN: Damn!
MAN 2: Ooh, yeah!
Hey, Roberta, are you staying
at your deadbeat dad's, too?
Please, if I wanted to breathe
toxic mold and get flea bites,
I'd date Zach Galifianakis.
It's gonna happen
one way or the other.
(laughter)
Roberta's staying at her
friend Tassie's house.
You know, the Iranian one.
Because Ayatollah her
to get lost!
(laughs)
Naw, but it's going
to work out great.
Donna is going
to be so surp--
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
You're fat!
You know what
else is fat?
Rudeness.
(audience cheers, applauds)
Hey, you kids
like games, right?
Well, I got
a fun one for you.
It's called "Open the Box,
Take Out the DVD Player,
Put a Brick Where It Was,
and Then Tape It Back Up."
And then we can build a wall
out of the DVD players! Yay!
(tires screeching outside)
Aw, no. They found me!
Quick! Move!
Out the back window!
Man, we're three stories up!
It's okay, the Dumpster
will break our fall.
But I'm scared, Daddy!
I'm not your daddy, fool!
Let's split.
Here I gooooooooooo!
(crashing)
To infinity, and beyoooooond!
(crashing)
Guess it's my turn.
Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!
(crashing)
(audience laughs)
Anthony.
Ah...
Let's see, I'll sit here
and I guess
the most natural thing
would be for Donna
to sit next to me,
also facing in
that direction.
You can come in now, Donna!
(applause)
WOMAN:
You go, girl!
WOMAN 2: Mm-hmm!
Cleveland,
you made all this
and you're going to clean it
all up by yourself afterwards?
Whatever.
Now, let's get to work on
making those legs wobbly.
(audience whoops)
Look at me, I'm totally nude!
(audience laughs)
Looks like I've got some
catching up to do,
behind this pillar
we've always had.
(audience whoops)
MAN IN AUDIENCE:
Boobs!
Eeeek!
Robert!
There's some bad
stuff going down.
Real bad.
These people don't mess around.
I'm gonna have to lay low
here for a couple of days.
No, absolutely not!
It's our first
anniversary!
The paper anniversary.
I was gonna give her an index
card on which I'd written,
"I'd marry you all over again."
Wait a minute.
There's no reason
I still can't give it you.
Here you go.
(touched):
Awww...
(audience coos)
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:
You got a good one, girl!
(wailing)
Aw, please don't let my daddy
get killed, Cleveland!
You can't be
my only male role model!
I'll grow up to be
a overweight, gay loser!
(chuckles)
That's crazy talk, sugar.
(audience laughs)
Cleveland, he's in
a lot of trouble.
We don't have a choice.
(chortles)
Hey, look like C-Brown
just got C-blocked.
(audience laughs, applauds)
Time to get strapped, Doughboy.
Pardon me?
Get your gun ready.
I don't have a gun!
I used to live here.
We got guns everywhere.
Flip the couch.
I don't even
need to buy bullets,
'cause I'm sweating them!
Sheesh!
STAGE MANAGER:
And we're clear.
(buzzer sounds)
Okay, where's the guy
who said I was fat?
MAN (defiantly):
Right here.
(body thuds, audience gasps)
And apparently
the props department
has put real bullets
in our guns.
Sorry about that!
(upbeat theme music play
ANNOUNCER:
The Cleveland Show Live!
will be right back!
Robert and Rallo,
places for Act Two.
Robert and Rallo.
(all laughing)
(applause, theme music playing)
(car brakes squeak,
door opens)
Someone's coming! Get ready.
Honey, I'm--
Now!
My tibias!
Ahh! There's a sack
my head!
Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
I think it's Cleveland.
Or someone who sounds like
Cleveland sent here to fool us.
No, it's me!
My fibulas!
Donna, that man is--
(audience laughs,
Donna stifles a laugh)
Heh... heh...
Sure is windy in here.
(audience laughs)
Donna, that man is
a nuisance and a menace
and he's putting
our family in danger.
He has to go.
The only Robert I want to see
around here is Julia Roberts.
(audience whoops, applauds)
Look, Cleveland, Robert's
the father of my children,
so unless you can come up
with another safe place,
he's staying with us.
Aw, but I was going to do
a makeup anniversary
dinner tonight.
I got filet mignon!
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, I guess I'll have to
save that filet f'later.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Booo!
I-I mean, yay!
(audience applauding,
cheering)
Man, Cleveland, you skipped
fun drunk and sad drunk
and went straight
to angry drunk.
You'd be angry too,
if your wife's ex-husband
was sleeping on your couch.
(quiet squeak)
STAGE MANAGER (whispers):
Houseguest. Sinbad.
H-Housebad!
Thank you.
I just wish I could find
somewhere else
for Robert to go.
That guy living in my house
is more out of place
than I would be
as an aristocratic woman
in 18th-century France.
CLEVELAND:
Coming through...
Keep it clear, please!
(audience laughs)
(fancy accent): Warning--
don't go in the toilette.
After eating all those
heavy French pastries,
I've turned the
bidet into a bi-don't.
(laughter)
So, yeah, Robert
doesn't belong in my house.
Look, Cleveland, Robert has come
to you in his time of need,
and you have to be a good
Christian and help him.
I know it's hard, but you gotta
just, uh, suck it off.
Fine. If you're such
a good Christian, Tim,
why don't you take him in?
Me?!
It's, uh, not really a good
time for us, you know.
A couple of periods ago,
Arianna went crazy
and tore up the mattress
in the guest room.
Hi, Jesus,
it's me, Cleveland.
I know I haven't talked to you
since Donna's pregnancy scare,
but I need to tell you a little
something about my friend Tim,
who I thought
was a good Christian...
Aw, come on!
Don't bust me to Jesus!
Well...?
All right, I guess I should
papa what I preach.
If you're going to be
hiding out with us,
you must put on a shirt.
Nobody wants to see
your pumped-up muscles
and prison scars.
What's wrong,
you gettin' turned on?
You can't handle it?
Oh, please.
I wouldn't "handle it"
wearing the thickest of
my gardening gloves.
And put that out.
This is a smoke-free household.
Lady, you sure
got a lot of rules.
(growls)
Grr, yourself,
bear bitch.
(audience "oohs")
Call me a
bitch again.
(audience murmurs)
(sighing)
(moaning)
MAN:
Oh, yeah!
(whistling)
Brisk.
Whoa.
Whose funeral are you
all dressed up f?
Please say my dentist.
(laughter)
That was an ad lib.
I should be getting paid
to write this show, too.
And y'all never got back to me
about directing that episode.
I'm dressed up
because your mother and I
are finally having
our anniversary dinner.
Here, go see a movie.
Nothing with boobs.
(groans):
Aw.
And nothing with elves.
(groans):
Aw.
(applause, whistling)
Mm-mm!
This place is dark,
romantic and smells like fondue.
Just like my man.
Happy anniversa...
(loud thud)
Roberta.
What a surprise to see you here
at this particular time.
And not entering
through the door,
but through this fourth wall
of our house.
Well, I thought I'd stop
by, because apparently
I've been over at Tassie's
for three days now.
Uh... (clears throat)
you have?
Yeah, but I guess somebody
didn't think of that
when he cut my story
out of the show.
Remember?
Roberta takes the debate
team to regionals.
Yeah, that was a laugh riot.
Set your VCR.
Nobody uses VCRs
anymore, fool!
How do you play tapes?
(audience murmuring)
(clears throat)
I wonder who's
at the door.
Right now!
(doorbell rings)
Oh, it's Tim.
Tim, what are
you doing here?
Arianna, Robert--
I-I walked
in on them.
They were playing hide
the Salman Rushdie.
What?
First he did it regular style,
and then he did it
like an NBA guy.
Right on top of
our Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City.
Say, Tim, how much does that
Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City tend to
save you on your utility bills?
As much as $200 a year.
Not too shabby.
Anyway, Arianna said she
doesn't love me anymore.
She said Robert is
everything I'm not:
strong and virile, and, uh,
he-he doesn't cry after.
So, you know,
yay for Robert.
Cleveland, this is your fault.
You told him to tear up my wife?
No, sir. I wouldn't...
ROBERTA:
Don't mind me.
(audience murmuring)
I'm just gonna
start my own
after-party here.
You know, 'cause the
show's over for me.
Since my debate
story got cut.
Uh... (chuckles)
Roberta, I don't think
you should be drinking,
since you're only 15.
I play 15, jackass.
All right, ha, seems like
Roberta's not feeling well,
so maybe she should
go to the doctor and...
Maybe you should
go to hell!
Don't you touch me!
Okay, settle down.
I'm a survivor!
And you know why?
Live episode.
I can do it all.
Remember, this
affects all of us.
♪ I'm every woman. ♪
Studio execs are watching.
I was in Hustle
and Flow!
You want to be
in the upcoming movie,
you might want to play ball.
Back off, old man!
(gagging)
Go to commercial.
Go to commer...
(sustained beep)
(applause, theme music playing)
So, Roberta, you told me
you have something to say?
Yes.
I would like to apologize
for my behavior earlier.
Underage drinking is a major
problem in our society,
one that is in no way condoned
by Fox Broadcasting Corporation
or its affiliates.
As for the thing I said,
I have a logical explanation.
I ate some bad shrimp
and went crazy.
But the last thing you and Mom
needed was someone else
interrupting your anniversary
celebration, when my dad Robert
already ruined it once.
And who knows what will happen
now that Tim the Bear
has barged in to announce
that his wife Arianna
had sex with Robert.
Now back to my friend
Tassie's house.
Stay there as long as you want.
Boy, Tim,
this Arianna thing.
Rough, rough stuff.
(growls):
Rough stuff.
(sobbing)
Cleveland, can I talk
to you for a moment?
I'm worried
about Tim.
We've got to
talk to Arianna.
Man, it's all my fault
for bringing Robert
into their lives.
It sounds like he and Arianna
are getting freakier
than the time I was a masseuse
at the Playboy Mansion.
(laughter)
♪ ♪
All right, which one of you
ladies should I lotion up...
(grunts)
(laughter)
(groaning)
(laughter)
No, no!
No funny!
That was really bad.
(groans)
Are you okay, Cleveland?
Mr. Brown.
Fine. Moving on!
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
(pants, groans)
Cracked it.
Oh, it's cracked.
(groans)
Donna, if you're looking
for Robert, he's sleeping.
We were up
till 4:00 in the morning.
Well, he was up.
That is innuendo.
And he was in my endo.
Be that as it may, Arianna,
you need to take Tim back.
Being without you
has wrecked him.
Speaking of rectum...
Wrecked him.
Tim's a wreck.
Arianna, what you're
doing is wrong.
It's adultery!
I mean, what if I told
your church friends?
That a self-righteous Christian
is actually a hypocrite?
Alert the media.
But how can
you throw away
this whole unremarkable
life you have with Tim?
It's easy.
Robert is amazing in bed.
He's wild and adventurous,
and his technique
is almost magical.
The way he kisses your ear and
brings you right up to the edge,
and then at exactly
the right moment...
He bites down, and
it's pain and pleasure,
and a thousand volts
of electricity
shoot through every
inch of your body!
He never helped
with the dishes, though.
Game, set and match.
(laughter, theme music plays)
Tim, if you want Arianna back,
you have to fight for her.
Oh, no, I'm not fighting Robert.
I-I got priors, man.
Tim, listen to me.
You don't have to fight him,
you just need
to stand up for yourself.
Arianna wants somebody
who's strong.
You have to be manly, like
a Latino man or an Italian man
or a German woman.
All right, then.
She wants manly,
I'll give her manly--
up the old wazoo!
Uh, why don't we take
the road less traveled?
(laughter)
They tracked me here!
You got to find a place
for me to hide.
Wait, Bob.
Take me with you.
I still have four nipples
you haven't touched.
Man, this bitch got
a lot of nipples.
(pounding on door)
Oh, no!
It's all over!
(cheering, applause)
Wait a minute,
who are you?
I'm his parole officer,
Julia Robertson.
(applause)
I may look like a pretty woman,
but I'm a steel magnolia.
And I eat, pray, love
being a parole officer,
even when I have to miss
my best friend's wedding
to track down a runaway bride.
I was also in The Pelican Brief.
Parole officer
This whole time you've
been running scared
from your
parole officer?
Resolved, bitches!
Oh, fluff me.
(audience murmuring)
I said,
"resolved!"
It's a debate term!
DIRECTOR:
Camera two.
Uh, so this whole time,
Robert, you've been...
Don't you cut away from me!
Judges of this debate final,
DIRECTOR:
Adjust left.
Title Nine legislation
Tighter. Tighter.
has given the girls
of this nation
confidence and self-esteem.
Get off her.
(Roberta belches)
As former
vice presidential candidate
Camera two.
Geraldine Ferraro said,
"Opportunity is not a privilege.
Screw it, just
let her talk.
It's a right."
And that is why
your story was cut.
Trying to keep me
out of the show.
I am the damn show!
(audience gasps)
DONNA:
Someone get the medic!
TIM:
Save America's
favorite smile!
There goes the Emmy.
Give us some room, people.
(audience murmuring)
Hey, now that Arianna's here,
it's your chance
to win her back.
DIRECTOR:
Uh, Cleveland, we've only
got 60 seconds left.
What?!
58 seconds.
We need to
wrap it up.
Damn Roberta,
wasting our time.
56 seconds.
Okay, okay.
Here's what happens.
Tim stands up to Robert, which
makes Arianna see him as a man.
Or a bear or whatever.
And Robert realizes his parole
officer just wanted to tell him
to spend more time with his son,
so he takes Rallo bowling,
and Cleveland Jr.
goes along, too,
'cause they have
cheese fries there.
Which means Donna and I
are finally free
to have our romantic dinner.
Romantic dinner, quick!
(R&B music plays)
Mmm.
Happy anniversary,
Donna.
You've brought a lot of
craziness into my life,
but I wouldn't have it
any other way.
Clear!
I love you,
Cleveland.
Clear!
I love you, Donna.
(moaning softly)
Call it.
8:58.
We did it!
(cheering)
We really did it!
We pulled it off live!
...off live!
(cheering)
(playing mellow jazz music)
All right,
that's all we got. Whew!
Ah, to my amazing crew, sorry
I've been stressed out this week
and yelled at
those P.A.'s earlier
and shot that guy
up in the audience.
You know it comes from
a good place.
I'd like to thank Fox and
of course Seth and Julia Rob--
Sorry, the late
Julia Roberts.
There's one more star in heaven,
9/11 was an inside job.
Good night, everybody!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
December 17, 1989.
History is made.
America says hello
to the first
non-prehistoric family
in prime-time animation.
BART SIMPSON (echoing):
Ay caramba!
(audience laughing)
ANNOUNCER:
January 12, 1997.
History isn't done.
King of the Hill premieres,
taking America
by light drizzle.
HANK HILL (echoing):
I sell propane.
(audience laughing)
ANNOUNCER:
January 31, 1999.
Knock-knock. Who's there?
It's history again,
as Family Guy premieres.
STEWIE (echoing):
Ay, caramba!
(audience laughs, applauds)
ANNOUNCER:
And then, history makes
its first mistake in history--
it cancels Family Guy.
ANNOUNCER:
August 12, 2004.
Eric Hammel, a misogynistic,
pot-head loner from Cincinnati,
walks into a store
and buys a Family Guy DVD.
History is listening.
(quickly):
American Dad is also a show.
But tonight,
the biggest history
in the history of history
will be made.
Because,
for the first time ever,
prime-time animation
will be going... live!
From Fox Studios,
in Century City, California,
it's the first-ever live
telecast of an animated series.
This is...
The Cleveland Show Live!
With special guest star
Julia Roberts!
Brought to you by Circuit City!
Circuit City--
there's one left!
Come find us!
Featuring the Walter Murphy
Orchestra.
(audience applauds)
And now, an overweight,
bumbling, cartoon dad...
Cleveland Brown!
(applause)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back for season two ♪
♪ With my new family... ♪
(timpani roll)
Ladies and gentlemen, the
original Solid Gold Dancers!
(applause)
♪ There's old friends and
new friends and even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
where I don't take no jive ♪
♪ Screw The Amazing Race ♪
♪ You're watching
Cleveland Live! ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(chuckles)
Thank you!
CLEVELAND (amplified):
Thank you!
The Cleveland Show 2x02
Cleveland Live!
Original Air Date on October 3, 2010
(audience applauds)
Whoop, here I is!
That's gonna be my new
catchphrase for season two.
(audience laughs)
Mine's gonna be
"Teddy Bear Picnic."
(audience laughs)
You know what? Forget it.
Catchphrases are stupid.
Party over here!
(audience cheers and applauds)
Boys, I--
(applause continues)
Boys, I need--
(applause continues)
Boys, I need you to
go pack your things.
You'll be spending the night
at Robert's apartment.
Dad's place?!
All right!
I bet he takes me
to the outdoor mall,
so I can drum on
buckets for change!
(imitates drumbeat):
Ba-doo-doo-da!
Ba-doo-doo-doo-doo-ba,doo-doo,
doo-doo-do-do-ba-do-ba!
Now, that's funky.
Dad, are we being sent to
Robert's to scare us straight?
No, I paid Robert
to watch you
so Donna and I can have
the place to ourselves.
It's our first anniversary,
and I've planned
a big romantic dinner,
which could very well lead to
slow dancing,
the recitation of love poetry
and other things that are too
taboo to be discussed.
(titters)
If I were Bernie Mac, I'd be
sittin' in a chair right now
telling America
how stupid you are.
Miss you, Bernie.
(audience whistles, applauds)
MAN: Damn!
MAN 2: Ooh, yeah!
Hey, Roberta, are you staying
at your deadbeat dad's, too?
Please, if I wanted to breathe
toxic mold and get flea bites,
I'd date Zach Galifianakis.
It's gonna happen
one way or the other.
(laughter)
Roberta's staying at her
friend Tassie's house.
You know, the Iranian one.
Because Ayatollah her
to get lost!
(laughs)
Naw, but it's going
to work out great.
Donna is going
to be so surp--
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
You're fat!
You know what
else is fat?
Rudeness.
(audience cheers, applauds)
Hey, you kids
like games, right?
Well, I got
a fun one for you.
It's called "Open the Box,
Take Out the DVD Player,
Put a Brick Where It Was,
and Then Tape It Back Up."
And then we can build a wall
out of the DVD players! Yay!
(tires screeching outside)
Aw, no. They found me!
Quick! Move!
Out the back window!
Man, we're three stories up!
It's okay, the Dumpster
will break our fall.
But I'm scared, Daddy!
I'm not your daddy, fool!
Let's split.
Here I gooooooooooo!
(crashing)
To infinity, and beyoooooond!
(crashing)
Guess it's my turn.
Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!
(crashing)
(audience laughs)
Anthony.
Ah...
Let's see, I'll sit here
and I guess
the most natural thing
would be for Donna
to sit next to me,
also facing in
that direction.
You can come in now, Donna!
(applause)
WOMAN:
You go, girl!
WOMAN 2: Mm-hmm!
Cleveland,
you made all this
and you're going to clean it
all up by yourself afterwards?
Whatever.
Now, let's get to work on
making those legs wobbly.
(audience whoops)
Look at me, I'm totally nude!
(audience laughs)
Looks like I've got some
catching up to do,
behind this pillar
we've always had.
(audience whoops)
MAN IN AUDIENCE:
Boobs!
Eeeek!
Robert!
There's some bad
stuff going down.
Real bad.
These people don't mess around.
I'm gonna have to lay low
here for a couple of days.
No, absolutely not!
It's our first
anniversary!
The paper anniversary.
I was gonna give her an index
card on which I'd written,
"I'd marry you all over again."
Wait a minute.
There's no reason
I still can't give it you.
Here you go.
(touched):
Awww...
(audience coos)
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:
You got a good one, girl!
(wailing)
Aw, please don't let my daddy
get killed, Cleveland!
You can't be
my only male role model!
I'll grow up to be
a overweight, gay loser!
(chuckles)
That's crazy talk, sugar.
(audience laughs)
Cleveland, he's in
a lot of trouble.
We don't have a choice.
(chortles)
Hey, look like C-Brown
just got C-blocked.
(audience laughs, applauds)
Time to get strapped, Doughboy.
Pardon me?
Get your gun ready.
I don't have a gun!
I used to live here.
We got guns everywhere.
Flip the couch.
I don't even
need to buy bullets,
'cause I'm sweating them!
Sheesh!
STAGE MANAGER:
And we're clear.
(buzzer sounds)
Okay, where's the guy
who said I was fat?
MAN (defiantly):
Right here.
(body thuds, audience gasps)
And apparently
the props department
has put real bullets
in our guns.
Sorry about that!
(upbeat theme music play
ANNOUNCER:
The Cleveland Show Live!
will be right back!
Robert and Rallo,
places for Act Two.
Robert and Rallo.
(all laughing)
(applause, theme music playing)
(car brakes squeak,
door opens)
Someone's coming! Get ready.
Honey, I'm--
Now!
My tibias!
Ahh! There's a sack
my head!
Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
I think it's Cleveland.
Or someone who sounds like
Cleveland sent here to fool us.
No, it's me!
My fibulas!
Donna, that man is--
(audience laughs,
Donna stifles a laugh)
Heh... heh...
Sure is windy in here.
(audience laughs)
Donna, that man is
a nuisance and a menace
and he's putting
our family in danger.
He has to go.
The only Robert I want to see
around here is Julia Roberts.
(audience whoops, applauds)
Look, Cleveland, Robert's
the father of my children,
so unless you can come up
with another safe place,
he's staying with us.
Aw, but I was going to do
a makeup anniversary
dinner tonight.
I got filet mignon!
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, I guess I'll have to
save that filet f'later.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Booo!
I-I mean, yay!
(audience applauding,
cheering)
Man, Cleveland, you skipped
fun drunk and sad drunk
and went straight
to angry drunk.
You'd be angry too,
if your wife's ex-husband
was sleeping on your couch.
(quiet squeak)
STAGE MANAGER (whispers):
Houseguest. Sinbad.
H-Housebad!
Thank you.
I just wish I could find
somewhere else
for Robert to go.
That guy living in my house
is more out of place
than I would be
as an aristocratic woman
in 18th-century France.
CLEVELAND:
Coming through...
Keep it clear, please!
(audience laughs)
(fancy accent): Warning--
don't go in the toilette.
After eating all those
heavy French pastries,
I've turned the
bidet into a bi-don't.
(laughter)
So, yeah, Robert
doesn't belong in my house.
Look, Cleveland, Robert has come
to you in his time of need,
and you have to be a good
Christian and help him.
I know it's hard, but you gotta
just, uh, suck it off.
Fine. If you're such
a good Christian, Tim,
why don't you take him in?
Me?!
It's, uh, not really a good
time for us, you know.
A couple of periods ago,
Arianna went crazy
and tore up the mattress
in the guest room.
Hi, Jesus,
it's me, Cleveland.
I know I haven't talked to you
since Donna's pregnancy scare,
but I need to tell you a little
something about my friend Tim,
who I thought
was a good Christian...
Aw, come on!
Don't bust me to Jesus!
Well...?
All right, I guess I should
papa what I preach.
If you're going to be
hiding out with us,
you must put on a shirt.
Nobody wants to see
your pumped-up muscles
and prison scars.
What's wrong,
you gettin' turned on?
You can't handle it?
Oh, please.
I wouldn't "handle it"
wearing the thickest of
my gardening gloves.
And put that out.
This is a smoke-free household.
Lady, you sure
got a lot of rules.
(growls)
Grr, yourself,
bear bitch.
(audience "oohs")
Call me a
bitch again.
(audience murmurs)
(sighing)
(moaning)
MAN:
Oh, yeah!
(whistling)
Brisk.
Whoa.
Whose funeral are you
all dressed up f?
Please say my dentist.
(laughter)
That was an ad lib.
I should be getting paid
to write this show, too.
And y'all never got back to me
about directing that episode.
I'm dressed up
because your mother and I
are finally having
our anniversary dinner.
Here, go see a movie.
Nothing with boobs.
(groans):
Aw.
And nothing with elves.
(groans):
Aw.
(applause, whistling)
Mm-mm!
This place is dark,
romantic and smells like fondue.
Just like my man.
Happy anniversa...
(loud thud)
Roberta.
What a surprise to see you here
at this particular time.
And not entering
through the door,
but through this fourth wall
of our house.
Well, I thought I'd stop
by, because apparently
I've been over at Tassie's
for three days now.
Uh... (clears throat)
you have?
Yeah, but I guess somebody
didn't think of that
when he cut my story
out of the show.
Remember?
Roberta takes the debate
team to regionals.
Yeah, that was a laugh riot.
Set your VCR.
Nobody uses VCRs
anymore, fool!
How do you play tapes?
(audience murmuring)
(clears throat)
I wonder who's
at the door.
Right now!
(doorbell rings)
Oh, it's Tim.
Tim, what are
you doing here?
Arianna, Robert--
I-I walked
in on them.
They were playing hide
the Salman Rushdie.
What?
First he did it regular style,
and then he did it
like an NBA guy.
Right on top of
our Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City.
Say, Tim, how much does that
Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City tend to
save you on your utility bills?
As much as $200 a year.
Not too shabby.
Anyway, Arianna said she
doesn't love me anymore.
She said Robert is
everything I'm not:
strong and virile, and, uh,
he-he doesn't cry after.
So, you know,
yay for Robert.
Cleveland, this is your fault.
You told him to tear up my wife?
No, sir. I wouldn't...
ROBERTA:
Don't mind me.
(audience murmuring)
I'm just gonna
start my own
after-party here.
You know, 'cause the
show's over for me.
Since my debate
story got cut.
Uh... (chuckles)
Roberta, I don't think
you should be drinking,
since you're only 15.
I play 15, jackass.
All right, ha, seems like
Roberta's not feeling well,
so maybe she should
go to the doctor and...
Maybe you should
go to hell!
Don't you touch me!
Okay, settle down.
I'm a survivor!
And you know why?
Live episode.
I can do it all.
Remember, this
affects all of us.
♪ I'm every woman. ♪
Studio execs are watching.
I was in Hustle
and Flow!
You want to be
in the upcoming movie,
you might want to play ball.
Back off, old man!
(gagging)
Go to commercial.
Go to commer...
(sustained beep)
(applause, theme music playing)
So, Roberta, you told me
you have something to say?
Yes.
I would like to apologize
for my behavior earlier.
Underage drinking is a major
problem in our society,
one that is in no way condoned
by Fox Broadcasting Corporation
or its affiliates.
As for the thing I said,
I have a logical explanation.
I ate some bad shrimp
and went crazy.
But the last thing you and Mom
needed was someone else
interrupting your anniversary
celebration, when my dad Robert
already ruined it once.
And who knows what will happen
now that Tim the Bear
has barged in to announce
that his wife Arianna
had sex with Robert.
Now back to my friend
Tassie's house.
Stay there as long as you want.
Boy, Tim,
this Arianna thing.
Rough, rough stuff.
(growls):
Rough stuff.
(sobbing)
Cleveland, can I talk
to you for a moment?
I'm worried
about Tim.
We've got to
talk to Arianna.
Man, it's all my fault
for bringing Robert
into their lives.
It sounds like he and Arianna
are getting freakier
than the time I was a masseuse
at the Playboy Mansion.
(laughter)
♪ ♪
All right, which one of you
ladies should I lotion up...
(grunts)
(laughter)
(groaning)
(laughter)
No, no!
No funny!
That was really bad.
(groans)
Are you okay, Cleveland?
Mr. Brown.
Fine. Moving on!
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
(pants, groans)
Cracked it.
Oh, it's cracked.
(groans)
Donna, if you're looking
for Robert, he's sleeping.
We were up
till 4:00 in the morning.
Well, he was up.
That is innuendo.
And he was in my endo.
Be that as it may, Arianna,
you need to take Tim back.
Being without you
has wrecked him.
Speaking of rectum...
Wrecked him.
Tim's a wreck.
Arianna, what you're
doing is wrong.
It's adultery!
I mean, what if I told
your church friends?
That a self-righteous Christian
is actually a hypocrite?
Alert the media.
But how can
you throw away
this whole unremarkable
life you have with Tim?
It's easy.
Robert is amazing in bed.
He's wild and adventurous,
and his technique
is almost magical.
The way he kisses your ear and
brings you right up to the edge,
and then at exactly
the right moment...
He bites down, and
it's pain and pleasure,
and a thousand volts
of electricity
shoot through every
inch of your body!
He never helped
with the dishes, though.
Game, set and match.
(laughter, theme music plays)
Tim, if you want Arianna back,
you have to fight for her.
Oh, no, I'm not fighting Robert.
I-I got priors, man.
Tim, listen to me.
You don't have to fight him,
you just need
to stand up for yourself.
Arianna wants somebody
who's strong.
You have to be manly, like
a Latino man or an Italian man
or a German woman.
All right, then.
She wants manly,
I'll give her manly--
up the old wazoo!
Uh, why don't we take
the road less traveled?
(laughter)
They tracked me here!
You got to find a place
for me to hide.
Wait, Bob.
Take me with you.
I still have four nipples
you haven't touched.
Man, this bitch got
a lot of nipples.
(pounding on door)
Oh, no!
It's all over!
(cheering, applause)
Wait a minute,
who are you?
I'm his parole officer,
Julia Robertson.
(applause)
I may look like a pretty woman,
but I'm a steel magnolia.
And I eat, pray, love
being a parole officer,
even when I have to miss
my best friend's wedding
to track down a runaway bride.
I was also in The Pelican Brief.
Parole officer
This whole time you've
been running scared
from your
parole officer?
Resolved, bitches!
Oh, fluff me.
(audience murmuring)
I said,
"resolved!"
It's a debate term!
DIRECTOR:
Camera two.
Uh, so this whole time,
Robert, you've been...
Don't you cut away from me!
Judges of this debate final,
DIRECTOR:
Adjust left.
Title Nine legislation
Tighter. Tighter.
has given the girls
of this nation
confidence and self-esteem.
Get off her.
(Roberta belches)
As former
vice presidential candidate
Camera two.
Geraldine Ferraro said,
"Opportunity is not a privilege.
Screw it, just
let her talk.
It's a right."
And that is why
your story was cut.
Trying to keep me
out of the show.
I am the damn show!
(audience gasps)
DONNA:
Someone get the medic!
TIM:
Save America's
favorite smile!
There goes the Emmy.
Give us some room, people.
(audience murmuring)
Hey, now that Arianna's here,
it's your chance
to win her back.
DIRECTOR:
Uh, Cleveland, we've only
got 60 seconds left.
What?!
58 seconds.
We need to
wrap it up.
Damn Roberta,
wasting our time.
56 seconds.
Okay, okay.
Here's what happens.
Tim stands up to Robert, which
makes Arianna see him as a man.
Or a bear or whatever.
And Robert realizes his parole
officer just wanted to tell him
to spend more time with his son,
so he takes Rallo bowling,
and Cleveland Jr.
goes along, too,
'cause they have
cheese fries there.
Which means Donna and I
are finally free
to have our romantic dinner.
Romantic dinner, quick!
(R&B music plays)
Mmm.
Happy anniversary,
Donna.
You've brought a lot of
craziness into my life,
but I wouldn't have it
any other way.
Clear!
I love you,
Cleveland.
Clear!
I love you, Donna.
(moaning softly)
Call it.
8:58.
We did it!
(cheering)
We really did it!
We pulled it off live!
...off live!
(cheering)
(playing mellow jazz music)
All right,
that's all we got. Whew!
Ah, to my amazing crew, sorry
I've been stressed out this week
and yelled at
those P.A.'s earlier
and shot that guy
up in the audience.
You know it comes from
a good place.
I'd like to thank Fox and
of course Seth and Julia Rob--
Sorry, the late
Julia Roberts.
There's one more star in heaven,
9/11 was an inside job.
Good night, everybody!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==