The Cleveland Show (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 1 - Harder, Better, Faster, Browner - full transcript
Kenny West is a single dad and struggling rapper whom Cleveland takes under his wing in attempt to prove his own prowess after receiving some surprising news about his childhood basketball camp nemesis. Together, Cleveland and Kenny write, record and perform a new hit single, "Be-Cleve in Yourself." The track burns up the charts and ignites Kenny's new rap career, but leaves Cleveland behind in the dust.
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
The Cleveland Show 2x01
Harder, Better, Faster, Browner
Original Air Date on September 26, 2010
Kobe's got the ball.
He's really having his way
with his opponents.
He is gonna take it
right at the hole
whether they
like it or not.
He sneaks to the back,
sees an opening,
and forces it in!
Oh, my face!
What you got?
You ain't got nothing.
Ow, that hurts!
Can't guard me.
Mr. Brown, please stop!
I could do this all day, son.
You're much bigger than me!
Boom!
Mm-hmm,
still got it.
Feels like I'm back in
my basketball camp days,
running a
three-man wave,
making reliable but not
flashy two-handed chest passes,
shootin' free throws underhand,
bringing out the ladder to get
the ball outta the peach basket,
throwin' it down on skinny
little Barry Obama's head.
Punk-ass Barry.
Wait. Cleveland, did
you just say Barry Obama?
That was his name.
Goofy, big-eared kid.
13 years old,
smoked like a chimney.
Barry Obama. Probably
sleepin' in a ditch somewhere.
We got any lemonade?
Cleveland, Barry Obama is the
President of the United States.
No. Barack Obama
is the President.
"Barry" Obama
is Barack Obama.
That kid Barry is
now the President.
Barry Hussein Obama is?
Mm-hmm.
This is-- well,
that-- it can't be.
I need to sit down.
Cleveland,
it's not that bad.
Not that bad?
Easy for you to say.
You're a woman.
You can't be President.
That's true.
But Barry and I are
almost the same age.
And yet some would say he's
accomplished much more than me.
Oh, Donna, what have I done
with my life?
You've done plenty!
You raised Cleveland Jr.
pretty much all by yourself.
And I'll always
be your first lady.
Not to brag, but you're
more like my sixth lady.
Hey, Rallo, may I
have your snack pack?
I saw Donna
put it in there.
No, you can't
have my snack pack!
Hmm. Well, I guess this is
God's way of keeping me skinny.
Bye, Daddy!
Touch the sky, baby!
Locally famous
rapper Kenny West?
What are
you doing here?
I'm just trying to get my
daughter a decent education.
So she doesn't grow up
to be in one of my videos.
Huh? Oh!
Where's Kandace's mom?
I want to talk to her now.
She's gone for six months,
doing Bret Michael's
Rock of Love Bus.
Congratulations!
Hey, you should bring
Kandace over for a playdate.
Hmm. That's actually
not a bad idea.
I got a gig this
afternoon anyway.
I'll treat her like
she's one of my own.
And I mean my own,
not one of my stepkids.
Sometimes I forget to feed them.
Man, I am starving!
I feel like I
haven't eaten in days!
That's prolly why
you look so fly, Ro.
My girl is mad 'rexy.
No! Bad! Bad!
My man.
Thanks again for
watching Kandace, Cleveland.
I wish more grown men
I barely knew would offer
to look after my four-year-old
daughter for a few hours.
No problem.
I'd like to see Barack Obama
look after two kids.
But he's probably
too busy dealing with
"Afghanistan,"
and "cleaning up the Gulf,"
and his "two kids."
Anyway, bye, sweetie.
Rollo, you got
a playdate!
Damn.
I thought we'd never meet again.
So, you want to watch
a Star Wars movie?
I'm ready for anything;
I'm a straight-up freak.
I love you.
ANIMATRONIC VANILLA ICE:
Ahh! Ahh!
You sure this is
where your dad's performing?
♪ We got nachos with attitude
and onion blings ♪
♪ We got Drive-By Salad
If you're dieting ♪
This is funky fresh.
♪ Shut up, bitch,
we ain't finished ♪
Oh, you.
Tell 'em the
dessert special, yo.
♪ Fight the flour, fight the flour ♪
♪ Ugn ♪
♪ You gotta bite
the flourless cake ♪
♪ What he say! ♪
What are you doing here?
I told you I'd pick Kandace up.
Oh, yeah. That must be why
I have this string
tied around my finger
Say, how 'bout
Kandace and Rollo
have another
playdate tomorrow?
Any chance you can
watch them at your place
since apparently I plain old
forgot to go to work today?
It's just not
a good time.
Oh, cool, a Pop-a-Cop machine!
These are great!
Why did I buy these?
What the...?
Kenny! You--
you're homeless!
Shh, man!
Not in front of my kid.
I told her that cars were houses
and houses were cars,
so she just thinks
we're carless.
That's it. I'm finding
you a place to live.
Something Barack
Obama apparently
hasn't been able to do.
Actually, his Cash for Clunkers
program helped me buy--
Do you want my help or not?
Remember when I was upset
that I hadn't accomplished
as much as the President?
Well, guess who's helping a
young family get off the street!
Cleveland, what
are you talking about?
Here they are.
From the parking lot next
to the old muffler shop,
soon to be living in our garage,
Kenny and Kandace West!
Awesome!
Oops. Wrong show.
I got a whole mess of
snack packs out in my minivan.
Donna, don't worry.
Kenny won't be here long.
Today I'm going to take him
down to Waterman Cable
and get him a real job.
Not like whatever it is
you do at the hospital.
I work at the school.
Yep.
Hey, Cleve.
Hey, Ms. Tubbs.
I got you a little
thank-you gift
for letting me and Kandace
crash at your place.
Oh, my God.
Tyler Perry Presents WINE.
They say it's
rich and super-fruity
and not complex at all.
Kenny!
You shouldn't have.
How could
you afford it?
I sold all my
recording equipment.
I mean, I don't
need it anymore.
As Cleveland told me,
cable installers
are today's rap stars.
See, dum-dum?
Come on, Kenny.
Let's go to the hospital.
Cable company.
Yeah.
Oh, I am running away
from some problems tonight.
Love you.
Love you more.
That's impossible.
Can it be?
Has Rallo Tubbs
finally found the one?
Gentlemen, there comes
a time in every man's life
when he needs to
grow up and settle down.
I'm not five anymore.
I'm five-and-a-half.
I would kill to be
five-and-a-half again.
I'm just so tired all the time.
Well, look
who it is.
Who is that?
Gentlemen, I'd like
you to meet Kenny,
a kid off the streets
who I've been teaching
everything I know.
It's "whom," not "who."
I hope you're not
teaching him grammar.
Oh!
Damn.
You got
whomed!
Kenny West.
Caught you at
the county fair.
Yeah, I listen
to rap.
Got a De La Soul
CD in my car.
Do a little
beatboxing.
You probably don't
want to hear it.
Unless you do.
You probably do.
I'm really not
glad I heard that.
Oh, Kenny,
you're turrible.
No, you're turrible.
No, you're
turrible.
We're both turrible.
Nice playing,
Arthur Ass.
So we got a wonderful
plan for tomorrow.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe we
could go to the merry-go-round.
Ignore him.
We're going
to the library.
Oh, the library!
You'll love
that, Walt.
It's free.
So, what
do you think?
I think there's no
greater sign of maturity
than the mustache.
Yep!
It shows the world you put away
your childish dreams
and said to yourself,
"Self, this is it for you.
"You are going no farther
than this."
Well, I don't know about that.
Each mustache has its own story.
Have you ever eaten a
cheesesteak with a mustache?
Here, take my second one.
Whoops!
Don't worry about it.
Just grab a shirt
out of my closet.
We adults can change
clothes whenever we want.
And ride our bikes
in the street!
Cleveland, what have you done
to that poor boy?
Filled him
full of awesome.
You're turning
him into you!
And Cleveland,
I love you,
and I mean this
in the best possible way,
but any 19-year-old
who has your life
should kill himself.
Donna, you're
overreacting.
I'm not trying to turn Kenny
into me,
Hey, thanks for
the shirt, Cleveland.
You showed me the way.
All those years wasted
on some stupid dream
of being a rap star.
I just want to thank you
for taking the music
out of my life.
Both literally
and metaphorically.
Kenny, I've
made a mistake.
I've encouraged you
to abandon your dreams.
This life is
not your destiny.
Good, honest work is for the
downtrodden and the Polish.
Aw, come on, man.
My music wasn't
going anywhere.
That's because you didn't have
anyone to believe in you.
Or should I say,
"Be-Cleve" in you.
Registered trademark.
Feel like writing
a hit song?
My stuff!
I appreciate it,
Cleveland,
but I don't know
if I can do it.
I been out of the game
for six days!
Little Wayne's dropped
30 mix tapes since then.
You can do it, Kenny,
because I'm gonna help you.
We're not gonna sleep until
we've written
a hit hip-hop single.
♪ ♪
Done.
Wow, I can't
believe you wrote
an entire hit song
in 15 seconds!
And I still can't believe
Beyoncé didn't win.
Kenny.
Donna, wake up!
The house is on fire!
Rallo's dead!
What?!
Oh, my God, no!
My baby! My baby!
Ha, ha, ha. Just kidding.
But now that I have
your attention,
you should know that Kenny and
I have recorded a hit song,
and now I'm going to help him
make it big in the music biz,
so we're going on tour and
you're going to stay here
and watch his
and our children.
We cool?
Fine.
If this is what you need
to get you past
your whole midlife crisis
Barack Obama thing, then go.
Damn it, Donna!
You can't stop me!
I am leaving with Kenny West
to be a rap-guy manager.
It's my new
lifelong dream!
Cleveland, look at me.
I don't care.
If you can get
the time off work, then go.
Aw, work.
I keep forgetting
to go to that.
Well, it's been four days
and you're still not famous.
I don't get it.
We tried having
a rap battle like in 8 Mile.
We tried getting you addicted
to drugs like Walk The Line.
There's one movie
we haven't tried.
We haven't tried Ray.
Let me at 'em!
What are you doing?
You need to be blind!
Get the hell away from me!
Do you want to be famous or not?!
Stop that!
Oh, what's the use?
This won't work.
It's hopeless.
All we need is one break.
TV ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program with
a Dwayne Meighan News Flash.
Hi, I'm Dwayne Meighan.
News flash.
It had been in Goochland County.
Apparently, somebody a person
had been playing around
or standing too close
with a well.
A news flash indicate
it was a small girl.
Maybe perhaps playing
with her doll
or maybe wanted to see down
her reflection on well.
Uh-oh, fell in.
This had had been the news.
There's a girl
trapped in the well!
You know what that means!
Benefit concert!
Funeral concert!
Well, one or the other.
Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
first a little housekeeping.
Uh, for the time being, please
stop urinating down the well.
Thank you.
Second, these two guys showed up
and insisted on singing.
So, uh, put your hands together
for Kenny West featuring
Cleveland Brown.
I know what it's like
to feel down, little girl.
I hope someone lifts you up like
the big guy who lifted me up.
Praise the Lord!
No. I'm talking about the big
guy right here, Cleveland Brown.
Oh.
♪ Not long ago, I was lower than
Lohan, no plan, a lost man ♪
♪ Raising my little girl
in a Cadillac, bro-ham ♪
♪ My quest: success,
but my life was a mess ♪
♪ Poor Kenny West, no zest,
anti-depressed ♪
♪ Not dressed to impress,
matter of fact more stressed ♪
♪ Than John Mayer
waiting on his AIDS test ♪
♪ Then I met a man who taught me
how to live large ♪
♪ Took me out of my car,
now I'm in his garage ♪
♪ Turns out, all I needed
was some inspiration ♪
♪ Like Mr. Miyagi
but a lot less Asian ♪
♪ My game was timid,
now my flow much bolder ♪
♪ Got a chubby brown angel
on my shoulder saying ♪
♪ You know it don't matter
what you do ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll always
be there for you ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Grow a mustache ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Slap your wife's ass ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Never smoke grass ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Freely pass gas. ♪
Be-Cleve in yourself, Goochland!
Good night!
Our hearts go out to all
the good people of Goochland.
We hope you stay strong
during the ongoing
rescue effort.
Barack Obama doesn't
care about black people.
What the
were you thinking?
I don't know.
The lights, the
camera-- I got nervous!
Plus, Obama's accomplished
so much!
You just destroyed Twitter.
It literally exploded
from people's tweets.
Your song is going to be the
number one downloaded song ever.
No doubt about it.
You put our music
on the Internet, right?
You can put music on the Web TV?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Man, look at that crowd.
What did I tell you, Kenny?
I knew we'd hit the big time.
Cleveland, you're fired.
What?!
I'm sorry,
but the book I read said
if you got bad news,
you should just come
right out and say it.
No, you're supposed to first
give them a fake compliment,
then the bad news.
Oh.
You've lost weight
and you're fired.
Well, at least
I've lost weight.
But why am I fired?!
Look, Cleveland,
I'm sorry,
but I've learned that to
make it as a rap star,
you have to make wildly
irrational decisions
without even
thinking about it.
Just look at
Flavor Flav.
That's not a name.
And that's
another thing.
Your rap knowledge begins
and ends with Kurtis Blow.
Yeah, Kurtis Blow.
And what's up with all
these stupid outfits?
I'm a rapper, not
the mayor of Detroit.
Good-bye, Cleveland.
♪ And I am telling you ♪
♪ I'm not going... ♪
Sir, you can't stand here.
I'm going, I'm going.
Mmm, this bruschetta
is amazing.
Yeah, $12 bread with
some tomatoes on it.
Yeah, that's great.
Enough.
Come on.
Let's go to ladies' room
before our entrées arrive.
This sucks.
I know, but we're stuck.
We could just leave.
What?
Just leave.
Can we do that?
Why not?
Do you know how many men
wish they could just leave
while their girlfriends
were in the bathroom?
One-hundred percent.
I'm out.
Attention, men!
If your ladies are in the
bathroom and you wish,
for just once
in your life,
you had the cajones to just
get up and leave, follow me.
I'm going to play skee-ball
at Cheesy Charlie's.
I'm going.
Me, too.
Yeah!
Great idea!
Let's go!
Don't worry.
I'm not going
anywhere.
Ooh, I gotta
get this.
This could
take forever.
Yello?
Donna, I'm home.
I realized that my place
is here with you--
Hey, cool wok.
Kenny fired
you, didn't he?
Yeah, but that's okay.
Where'd you get the wok?
Bed, Bath and Hospital?
Beyond.
Beg pardon?
Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Beyond what?
The hospital.
What you talking
about a hospital?
Chopper!
Barry.
They kick you out of
Washington already?
No, no, I'm still
your ruler.
I was just on my way back from
pulling a girl out of a well,
and I heard
what you said about me.
I can't help but think that had
a little something to do with
the fact that you never could
beat me on the court.
What?!
You-- I-- that's not...
How about right now?
You and me, one on one.
You're on.
Whoops.
There we go.
If there's one thing
politics has taught me,
it's to watch out
for attacks from...
the right!
First basket wins!
I better call my
Secretary of Education,
because you just
got schooled.
I could also call my
Secretary of the Treasury,
because that
shot was money.
Also, I could...
Sir, we really have to...
I've got one more.
I could call my
Secretary of Defense,
because I am the bomb.
Wheels up!
Take me with you!
You know what, Donna?
He may live in
the White House,
but I'd rather live
in the Brown house.
I'd rather live
in the White House.
Yeah, me, too.
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
The Cleveland Show 2x01
Harder, Better, Faster, Browner
Original Air Date on September 26, 2010
Kobe's got the ball.
He's really having his way
with his opponents.
He is gonna take it
right at the hole
whether they
like it or not.
He sneaks to the back,
sees an opening,
and forces it in!
Oh, my face!
What you got?
You ain't got nothing.
Ow, that hurts!
Can't guard me.
Mr. Brown, please stop!
I could do this all day, son.
You're much bigger than me!
Boom!
Mm-hmm,
still got it.
Feels like I'm back in
my basketball camp days,
running a
three-man wave,
making reliable but not
flashy two-handed chest passes,
shootin' free throws underhand,
bringing out the ladder to get
the ball outta the peach basket,
throwin' it down on skinny
little Barry Obama's head.
Punk-ass Barry.
Wait. Cleveland, did
you just say Barry Obama?
That was his name.
Goofy, big-eared kid.
13 years old,
smoked like a chimney.
Barry Obama. Probably
sleepin' in a ditch somewhere.
We got any lemonade?
Cleveland, Barry Obama is the
President of the United States.
No. Barack Obama
is the President.
"Barry" Obama
is Barack Obama.
That kid Barry is
now the President.
Barry Hussein Obama is?
Mm-hmm.
This is-- well,
that-- it can't be.
I need to sit down.
Cleveland,
it's not that bad.
Not that bad?
Easy for you to say.
You're a woman.
You can't be President.
That's true.
But Barry and I are
almost the same age.
And yet some would say he's
accomplished much more than me.
Oh, Donna, what have I done
with my life?
You've done plenty!
You raised Cleveland Jr.
pretty much all by yourself.
And I'll always
be your first lady.
Not to brag, but you're
more like my sixth lady.
Hey, Rallo, may I
have your snack pack?
I saw Donna
put it in there.
No, you can't
have my snack pack!
Hmm. Well, I guess this is
God's way of keeping me skinny.
Bye, Daddy!
Touch the sky, baby!
Locally famous
rapper Kenny West?
What are
you doing here?
I'm just trying to get my
daughter a decent education.
So she doesn't grow up
to be in one of my videos.
Huh? Oh!
Where's Kandace's mom?
I want to talk to her now.
She's gone for six months,
doing Bret Michael's
Rock of Love Bus.
Congratulations!
Hey, you should bring
Kandace over for a playdate.
Hmm. That's actually
not a bad idea.
I got a gig this
afternoon anyway.
I'll treat her like
she's one of my own.
And I mean my own,
not one of my stepkids.
Sometimes I forget to feed them.
Man, I am starving!
I feel like I
haven't eaten in days!
That's prolly why
you look so fly, Ro.
My girl is mad 'rexy.
No! Bad! Bad!
My man.
Thanks again for
watching Kandace, Cleveland.
I wish more grown men
I barely knew would offer
to look after my four-year-old
daughter for a few hours.
No problem.
I'd like to see Barack Obama
look after two kids.
But he's probably
too busy dealing with
"Afghanistan,"
and "cleaning up the Gulf,"
and his "two kids."
Anyway, bye, sweetie.
Rollo, you got
a playdate!
Damn.
I thought we'd never meet again.
So, you want to watch
a Star Wars movie?
I'm ready for anything;
I'm a straight-up freak.
I love you.
ANIMATRONIC VANILLA ICE:
Ahh! Ahh!
You sure this is
where your dad's performing?
♪ We got nachos with attitude
and onion blings ♪
♪ We got Drive-By Salad
If you're dieting ♪
This is funky fresh.
♪ Shut up, bitch,
we ain't finished ♪
Oh, you.
Tell 'em the
dessert special, yo.
♪ Fight the flour, fight the flour ♪
♪ Ugn ♪
♪ You gotta bite
the flourless cake ♪
♪ What he say! ♪
What are you doing here?
I told you I'd pick Kandace up.
Oh, yeah. That must be why
I have this string
tied around my finger
Say, how 'bout
Kandace and Rollo
have another
playdate tomorrow?
Any chance you can
watch them at your place
since apparently I plain old
forgot to go to work today?
It's just not
a good time.
Oh, cool, a Pop-a-Cop machine!
These are great!
Why did I buy these?
What the...?
Kenny! You--
you're homeless!
Shh, man!
Not in front of my kid.
I told her that cars were houses
and houses were cars,
so she just thinks
we're carless.
That's it. I'm finding
you a place to live.
Something Barack
Obama apparently
hasn't been able to do.
Actually, his Cash for Clunkers
program helped me buy--
Do you want my help or not?
Remember when I was upset
that I hadn't accomplished
as much as the President?
Well, guess who's helping a
young family get off the street!
Cleveland, what
are you talking about?
Here they are.
From the parking lot next
to the old muffler shop,
soon to be living in our garage,
Kenny and Kandace West!
Awesome!
Oops. Wrong show.
I got a whole mess of
snack packs out in my minivan.
Donna, don't worry.
Kenny won't be here long.
Today I'm going to take him
down to Waterman Cable
and get him a real job.
Not like whatever it is
you do at the hospital.
I work at the school.
Yep.
Hey, Cleve.
Hey, Ms. Tubbs.
I got you a little
thank-you gift
for letting me and Kandace
crash at your place.
Oh, my God.
Tyler Perry Presents WINE.
They say it's
rich and super-fruity
and not complex at all.
Kenny!
You shouldn't have.
How could
you afford it?
I sold all my
recording equipment.
I mean, I don't
need it anymore.
As Cleveland told me,
cable installers
are today's rap stars.
See, dum-dum?
Come on, Kenny.
Let's go to the hospital.
Cable company.
Yeah.
Oh, I am running away
from some problems tonight.
Love you.
Love you more.
That's impossible.
Can it be?
Has Rallo Tubbs
finally found the one?
Gentlemen, there comes
a time in every man's life
when he needs to
grow up and settle down.
I'm not five anymore.
I'm five-and-a-half.
I would kill to be
five-and-a-half again.
I'm just so tired all the time.
Well, look
who it is.
Who is that?
Gentlemen, I'd like
you to meet Kenny,
a kid off the streets
who I've been teaching
everything I know.
It's "whom," not "who."
I hope you're not
teaching him grammar.
Oh!
Damn.
You got
whomed!
Kenny West.
Caught you at
the county fair.
Yeah, I listen
to rap.
Got a De La Soul
CD in my car.
Do a little
beatboxing.
You probably don't
want to hear it.
Unless you do.
You probably do.
I'm really not
glad I heard that.
Oh, Kenny,
you're turrible.
No, you're turrible.
No, you're
turrible.
We're both turrible.
Nice playing,
Arthur Ass.
So we got a wonderful
plan for tomorrow.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe we
could go to the merry-go-round.
Ignore him.
We're going
to the library.
Oh, the library!
You'll love
that, Walt.
It's free.
So, what
do you think?
I think there's no
greater sign of maturity
than the mustache.
Yep!
It shows the world you put away
your childish dreams
and said to yourself,
"Self, this is it for you.
"You are going no farther
than this."
Well, I don't know about that.
Each mustache has its own story.
Have you ever eaten a
cheesesteak with a mustache?
Here, take my second one.
Whoops!
Don't worry about it.
Just grab a shirt
out of my closet.
We adults can change
clothes whenever we want.
And ride our bikes
in the street!
Cleveland, what have you done
to that poor boy?
Filled him
full of awesome.
You're turning
him into you!
And Cleveland,
I love you,
and I mean this
in the best possible way,
but any 19-year-old
who has your life
should kill himself.
Donna, you're
overreacting.
I'm not trying to turn Kenny
into me,
Hey, thanks for
the shirt, Cleveland.
You showed me the way.
All those years wasted
on some stupid dream
of being a rap star.
I just want to thank you
for taking the music
out of my life.
Both literally
and metaphorically.
Kenny, I've
made a mistake.
I've encouraged you
to abandon your dreams.
This life is
not your destiny.
Good, honest work is for the
downtrodden and the Polish.
Aw, come on, man.
My music wasn't
going anywhere.
That's because you didn't have
anyone to believe in you.
Or should I say,
"Be-Cleve" in you.
Registered trademark.
Feel like writing
a hit song?
My stuff!
I appreciate it,
Cleveland,
but I don't know
if I can do it.
I been out of the game
for six days!
Little Wayne's dropped
30 mix tapes since then.
You can do it, Kenny,
because I'm gonna help you.
We're not gonna sleep until
we've written
a hit hip-hop single.
♪ ♪
Done.
Wow, I can't
believe you wrote
an entire hit song
in 15 seconds!
And I still can't believe
Beyoncé didn't win.
Kenny.
Donna, wake up!
The house is on fire!
Rallo's dead!
What?!
Oh, my God, no!
My baby! My baby!
Ha, ha, ha. Just kidding.
But now that I have
your attention,
you should know that Kenny and
I have recorded a hit song,
and now I'm going to help him
make it big in the music biz,
so we're going on tour and
you're going to stay here
and watch his
and our children.
We cool?
Fine.
If this is what you need
to get you past
your whole midlife crisis
Barack Obama thing, then go.
Damn it, Donna!
You can't stop me!
I am leaving with Kenny West
to be a rap-guy manager.
It's my new
lifelong dream!
Cleveland, look at me.
I don't care.
If you can get
the time off work, then go.
Aw, work.
I keep forgetting
to go to that.
Well, it's been four days
and you're still not famous.
I don't get it.
We tried having
a rap battle like in 8 Mile.
We tried getting you addicted
to drugs like Walk The Line.
There's one movie
we haven't tried.
We haven't tried Ray.
Let me at 'em!
What are you doing?
You need to be blind!
Get the hell away from me!
Do you want to be famous or not?!
Stop that!
Oh, what's the use?
This won't work.
It's hopeless.
All we need is one break.
TV ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program with
a Dwayne Meighan News Flash.
Hi, I'm Dwayne Meighan.
News flash.
It had been in Goochland County.
Apparently, somebody a person
had been playing around
or standing too close
with a well.
A news flash indicate
it was a small girl.
Maybe perhaps playing
with her doll
or maybe wanted to see down
her reflection on well.
Uh-oh, fell in.
This had had been the news.
There's a girl
trapped in the well!
You know what that means!
Benefit concert!
Funeral concert!
Well, one or the other.
Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
first a little housekeeping.
Uh, for the time being, please
stop urinating down the well.
Thank you.
Second, these two guys showed up
and insisted on singing.
So, uh, put your hands together
for Kenny West featuring
Cleveland Brown.
I know what it's like
to feel down, little girl.
I hope someone lifts you up like
the big guy who lifted me up.
Praise the Lord!
No. I'm talking about the big
guy right here, Cleveland Brown.
Oh.
♪ Not long ago, I was lower than
Lohan, no plan, a lost man ♪
♪ Raising my little girl
in a Cadillac, bro-ham ♪
♪ My quest: success,
but my life was a mess ♪
♪ Poor Kenny West, no zest,
anti-depressed ♪
♪ Not dressed to impress,
matter of fact more stressed ♪
♪ Than John Mayer
waiting on his AIDS test ♪
♪ Then I met a man who taught me
how to live large ♪
♪ Took me out of my car,
now I'm in his garage ♪
♪ Turns out, all I needed
was some inspiration ♪
♪ Like Mr. Miyagi
but a lot less Asian ♪
♪ My game was timid,
now my flow much bolder ♪
♪ Got a chubby brown angel
on my shoulder saying ♪
♪ You know it don't matter
what you do ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll always
be there for you ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Grow a mustache ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Slap your wife's ass ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Never smoke grass ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪
♪ Freely pass gas. ♪
Be-Cleve in yourself, Goochland!
Good night!
Our hearts go out to all
the good people of Goochland.
We hope you stay strong
during the ongoing
rescue effort.
Barack Obama doesn't
care about black people.
What the
were you thinking?
I don't know.
The lights, the
camera-- I got nervous!
Plus, Obama's accomplished
so much!
You just destroyed Twitter.
It literally exploded
from people's tweets.
Your song is going to be the
number one downloaded song ever.
No doubt about it.
You put our music
on the Internet, right?
You can put music on the Web TV?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Man, look at that crowd.
What did I tell you, Kenny?
I knew we'd hit the big time.
Cleveland, you're fired.
What?!
I'm sorry,
but the book I read said
if you got bad news,
you should just come
right out and say it.
No, you're supposed to first
give them a fake compliment,
then the bad news.
Oh.
You've lost weight
and you're fired.
Well, at least
I've lost weight.
But why am I fired?!
Look, Cleveland,
I'm sorry,
but I've learned that to
make it as a rap star,
you have to make wildly
irrational decisions
without even
thinking about it.
Just look at
Flavor Flav.
That's not a name.
And that's
another thing.
Your rap knowledge begins
and ends with Kurtis Blow.
Yeah, Kurtis Blow.
And what's up with all
these stupid outfits?
I'm a rapper, not
the mayor of Detroit.
Good-bye, Cleveland.
♪ And I am telling you ♪
♪ I'm not going... ♪
Sir, you can't stand here.
I'm going, I'm going.
Mmm, this bruschetta
is amazing.
Yeah, $12 bread with
some tomatoes on it.
Yeah, that's great.
Enough.
Come on.
Let's go to ladies' room
before our entrées arrive.
This sucks.
I know, but we're stuck.
We could just leave.
What?
Just leave.
Can we do that?
Why not?
Do you know how many men
wish they could just leave
while their girlfriends
were in the bathroom?
One-hundred percent.
I'm out.
Attention, men!
If your ladies are in the
bathroom and you wish,
for just once
in your life,
you had the cajones to just
get up and leave, follow me.
I'm going to play skee-ball
at Cheesy Charlie's.
I'm going.
Me, too.
Yeah!
Great idea!
Let's go!
Don't worry.
I'm not going
anywhere.
Ooh, I gotta
get this.
This could
take forever.
Yello?
Donna, I'm home.
I realized that my place
is here with you--
Hey, cool wok.
Kenny fired
you, didn't he?
Yeah, but that's okay.
Where'd you get the wok?
Bed, Bath and Hospital?
Beyond.
Beg pardon?
Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Beyond what?
The hospital.
What you talking
about a hospital?
Chopper!
Barry.
They kick you out of
Washington already?
No, no, I'm still
your ruler.
I was just on my way back from
pulling a girl out of a well,
and I heard
what you said about me.
I can't help but think that had
a little something to do with
the fact that you never could
beat me on the court.
What?!
You-- I-- that's not...
How about right now?
You and me, one on one.
You're on.
Whoops.
There we go.
If there's one thing
politics has taught me,
it's to watch out
for attacks from...
the right!
First basket wins!
I better call my
Secretary of Education,
because you just
got schooled.
I could also call my
Secretary of the Treasury,
because that
shot was money.
Also, I could...
Sir, we really have to...
I've got one more.
I could call my
Secretary of Defense,
because I am the bomb.
Wheels up!
Take me with you!
You know what, Donna?
He may live in
the White House,
but I'd rather live
in the Brown house.
I'd rather live
in the White House.
Yeah, me, too.
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==