The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript
- Bonjour, class.
- ALL: All right?
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Now, I will ask
you some questions individually,
and all you have to do is answer me
and I will mark you for the exam.
So let me begin with Lauren.
Ça va, Lauren?
You talking to me?
Oui, Lauren, il faut que
vous parliez en fraçais.
Is it?
Lauren, it's a French oral exam.
You have to try to speak in French.
Whatever.
Lauren, s'il vous plaît,
quel âge avez-vous?
I don't know. Ask me in English.
Lauren, it's a French oral test.
But I ain't a French oral.
What?
I'm an English oral. So if you want to
ask me a question, ask me in English.
Lauren, French is an
important language.
Not for me, it ain't.
And it can teach you a lot
about your own language.
Don't care.
Lauren, you have to try
to make an effort.
- No, I don't.
- It's a beautiful language.
- Miss, have you got hairy armpits?
- I beg your pardon?
- Are you scared of razors, miss?
- No, I'm not.
- Are they expensive in Frenchland?
- No, they're not.
- Then why don't you buy one, then?
- How dare you!
- Miss, were you in 'Allo 'Allo?
- No.
Miss, say "Good moaning".
No.
- Go on, just say "Good moaning".
- No.
- Go on, say "Good moaning".
- No, I'm not going to say that.
Please, miss, just say "Good moaning".
Say "Good moaning".
- Good morning.
- You were in 'Allo 'Allo, miss.
Right, Lauren, that's enough.
I'm not going to stand here and listen
to this kind of xenophobic abuse
from a stupid girl who is too
ignorant to even learn the language
let alone understand the people.
I will fail you for this test,
which means you will get an
F for the entire module.
Suis-je bovèred?
- What?
- Suis-je bovèred, though?
Lauren…
- Regardez mon visage.
- Comment?
- Regardez mon visage.
- Lauren…
Regardez mon visage. Est-ce
que mon visage bovèred?
- Non, mais…
- Non, parce que je ne suis pas bovèred.
Lauren, your behaviour,
it's absolutely appalling.
Do you behave like this at home?
Est-ce que vous
disrepectè ma famille?
Quoi?
Esf-ce que vous appelez
ma mère une pikey?
Non…
Est-ce que vous appelez
mon père un gypo?
Pas du tout!
Regarfez, visage. Regardez.
Est-ce que mon visage bovèred?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Regardez mon visage.
- Lauren…
- Je ne suis pas bovèred.
- Non.
- Pas bovèred. Pas bovèred.
Thierry Henry?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
- Pas bovèred. Pas bovèred.
- D'accord.
Regardez mon visage.
Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques.
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Non, je ne suis pas bovèred.
- Un kilo de pommes. Un kilo de pommes.
- Quoi?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Où est le syndicat d'intiative?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
'Allo 'Allo! René, René, René!
Regardez mon visage.
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
I ain't bovvered!
I'm proud to call myself French.
Our nation has produced
some of the finest examples
of culture and enlightenment
in European history.
Our philosophers, our
filmmakers, our artists
have made a profound contribution
to modern civilisation.
And you, young lady,
if you bothered to pay the
slightest attention in my lessons,
might benefit also.
Have you been eating garlic?
I can't believe it.
Our first home.
I know. I never thought
we'd exchange.
And you've got the panoramic
view you've always wanted.
Yeah, 18th floor.
Oh, I'm just going to
get a bag of Nik Naks.
Oh, you and your Nik Naks.
I'll see you up there.
- MAN: Mark it.
- 107, take 1.
- I can't do this any more.
- I don't like this any more than you do.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
No!
MAN: Cut there. Is
everything all right?
Yeah, fine. Is… Is
something wrong?
MAN: No… Let's just go
again straight away.
107, take 2.
- I can't do this any more.
- I don't like this any more than you.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
Oh, saucy.
Let's just do one more, and can
you maybe make it a little more
truthful this time?
Yeah, yes. Yeah, sure. Sorry.
I thought I was, actually. But, no,
cool, so let's do another one.
- Sorry.
- No, don't worry about it.
- Let's do one more.
- Okay.
107, take 3.
- I can't go on like this.
- I don't like this any more than you do.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
Oh, well, if you're going to
be like that about it, missus.
MAN: Hold it there.
- Is that any better?
- Okay, we're going again.
Oh, God.
Yeah, we seem to be losing it
a little at the end there.
Do you? Right, okay, sorry.
What do you mean?
- Um, well, it's your voice, actually.
- Oh.
- Well, that's odd. Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Yeah, it's just beginning
to slip into something else
that's not quite you.
Right. Oh, hold on.
I'm not doing my
Frankie Howerd, am I?
Yes, that's exactly it. It's
a bit like Frankie Howerd.
Oh, I've had that note before.
It's something I do with
my mouth, apparently.
I'm amazed that
you spotted that.
It's coming across
quite broad, actually.
Is it? Oh. Oh, I'm a bit
freaked out by that.
But that's the thing
about film, isn't it?
I mean, it just picks
up the slightest thing.
Yeah, right.
- So, ready to go again?
- Yes, yes, I…
No, I absolutely
know what you mean.
- Yeah.
- Okay, let's have it one last time.
107, take 4.
- I can't go on like this.
- I don't like this any more than you do.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
No!
Sorry, sorry, keep
rolling, keep rolling.
This is the one, this is the one.
Give me the cue line.
- You're all I think about.
- Don't say that.
I love you so much.
No, no, it's… What?
No, well, that's a big one. No!
Oh, no! What? Shut
your face, no.
♪ Down in the meadow
in a little bitty pool
♪ Swam three little fishies
and the mama fishy, too ♪
Do you mind? What? No. Shut your face.
What? No.
Oh, yes. No, missus. What?
Shut your face.
What? Shut your face. No. What?
Oh, no! What? Shh, shh.
No. Shush. Shush.
I think that was the one.
♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days
♪ Saturday
♪ What a day
♪ Rocking all week with you ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend, pet?
- It was lovely, thank you.
Michaela went to a
sleepover party.
Did she have a good night, or
did she wake up in the morning
with her pyjama bottoms sodden
and another mattress ruined?
No, it was fine.
Hey, that's champion news.
Can I borrow your nice,
non-slip hole puncture?
- Sure.
- I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down at
the Wearside Working Mothers' Club,
doing a little fundraiser.
Oh, another one. What are
you doing this time?
We're pulling a Boeing 747
from Whitley Bay to Tynemouth
using only the B roads
for all of the little folk
in the North-east area
who suffer from sex addiction.
Sex addiction? Is that a big
problem in the North-east?
Did you know
that one in four families settle down
to watch telly of a Saturday evening
knowing in their hearts they're going to
have to endure the distraction of dad
hunched up at the end of
the sofa knocking one out?
Surely not.
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website
/canitroubleyouforasoapytitwank.
How much shall I
put you down for?
Uh, let's say £3.
£3?
I'm not sure you quite understand
the scale of this epidemic, Martin.
Every 38 minutes,
one of these poor, little unfortunates,
through no fault of his own,
ducks in at the
nearest delicatessen,
sinks his old fella into a tub of
hummus and starts pumping away.
I'm sorry, Georgie, it's just
a bit hard at the moment.
No! Sorry, I didn't mean…
Aye, that's it. Laugh it up.
How would you like it
if every time someone rubbed
up against you in Homebase,
you had to sneak off into bathroom
fittings for a swift hand-shandy?
- I'm really sorry. £4.
- £4
for all those poor little lasses who
cannae even go to the post office
to buy a book of stamps without
sitting on the cashier's face?
- It's my absolute tops.
- £4 it is, then.
I've just had one of
those weeks, I can't…
Well, then let's say
no more about it,
because I wouldn't want it
to come between us.
Is that a new blouse, Georgie?
Only, I've not seen you wear it before.
It looks nice.
That'll cool you down,
you horny little beggar.
♪ Walk upon England's mountains green ♪
Oh, Mummy, I do enjoy
our visits to Guillaume.
He really is the greatest
anaraufierin London,
if not the Home Counties.
- Good God in heaven above.
- What is it?
I must have taken
a wrong turning.
We seem to have driven
into a place called
Tottenham.
- Mummy, look!
- What's that?
Shall we feed him?
No, if you do that, he
may follow us home.
Mummy, this is scary.
I'm looking, but no
one's wearing brogues.
Calm down.
We must remember the time we
were on safari in the Serengeti.
We keep the windows
and doors locked,
and don't let the locals see
the windscreen wipers moving
in case they try
to rip them off.
Mummy, look at this.
Yes, I've heard of that.
- I think they sell…
- Sell what, Mummy?
Frozen food.
Now, try not to panic,
but the traffic lights are red, and
there's a man standing next to them
with a bucket of dirty
water and a sponge.
Just smile and look out front.
Don't look him in the eyes.
He wants you to look him in
the eyes, but you mustn't.
He's going away. We did it.
I can't wait to tell them at school.
My day in Tottenham.
(ALL SCREAMING)
ALL: We're all going to die!
- So, we're on our way to Filey.
- Well, it's a day at the coast, innit?
We're on our way to Filey
because I wanted to look round
the Museum of Victoriana
and Ray fancied a fish supper.
Best fish and chips in Europe.
Mind you, we didn't go
straight there, did we?
We stopped off in Castleford
to see our Valda.
Big mistake.
So, we get there, and she's only
having a charity coffee morning.
A coffee morning for charity.
This is in Castleford.
- So, we knock on the door.
- Listen to this.
- And it's 50p to get in.
- 50p to get into her house.
- Still, it's for the blind.
- It's not even a house, it's a bungalow.
So, we step in, and she asks
us to take our shoes off.
She's not even a Muslim.
So, I go through to the lounge and
the world and his wife were there.
At 50p a pop.
Except for the Ainsworths,
who'd all gone to Huddersfield
'cause their Jessica's got another
interview at Huddersfield University.
- She'll not get in.
- So, she brings us over a coffee, Valda.
Listen to this.
She says, "I hope you don't mind,
but I'm allergic to dairy."
She can't eat milk.
And you'll never guess what she's
made the coffee with instead.
This is unbelievable.
What did she call it?
Rice Lite.
Don't ask.
Rice Lite.
- Do you know what it is?
- Wait for it.
Milk made from rice.
Rice milk.
The dirty bastards.
They get a bit of rice
and they squeeze it,
and what comes out the end
they stick in a carton
and call it rice milk.
He went mad, didn't you?
Don't get me wrong, I'm as
broad-minded as the next man.
He once shook hands with a fella who
was definitely a little bit effeminate.
- But I'm not having that, no way.
- But that's not it.
- She gives us a bill for the coffee.
- Tell them how much.
£1.50.
- Each.
- £3 in all.
Two coffees, shit milk, £3.
Even Dick Turpin wore a mask.
And I came out with
the wrong shoes.
The dirty, evil,
lactose-intolerant bastards.
- So, he finally proposed.
- Yeah, he asked me last night.
- It was so romantic.
- That is fantastic.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I'm absolutely delighted.
That is so exciting. You're
going to get married.
Oh, hang on a minute. I'm just gonna
go and get a bag of Monster Munch.
Okay.
(CAR TYRES SCREECHING)
- Hi.
- Afternoon.
- Nice day.
- Smashing.
Beautiful on the Heath
this time of year.
The crisp, autumnal air, the
crackle of leaves underfoot,
knockout.
- I had a tall, skinny latte earlier.
- I know the feeling.
Can I help you, dear?
Well, I was wondering
if I could help you.
How do you mean?
Would you like to
join me in there?
In there? What for?
Well, some fun.
I beg pardon?
I was wondering if
you and I could
get together for some fun.
- Yes, I heard that bit.
- Come on, then, unleash the monster.
How very dare you!
Do you mean you're not…
Who, dear? Me, dear?
Gay, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man knows
the entire dance routine
to Making Your Mind Up,
skirt rip and all,
you accuse him of bowling
from the pavilion end?
Look, I'm sorry, I thought
you were cruising.
Cruising? I've never
been so insulted.
Well, what can I say?
I've made a mistake.
Twenty-five years my mother and I
have been coming on this heath,
and I've never in all that time been
accused of being a chutney ferret.
I am so sorry.
Cruising for fun?
Unleash the monster?
How very dare you!
Come on, Leonard. Walkies.
- Jellied eels.
- This is in London.
- The dirty, evil, Cockney bastards.
- The dirty, evil, Cockney bastards.
Morning, Neville.
How you diddling?
- Not so bad, Irene. Yourself?
- Rushed off my feet, Neville.
It's been like Piccadilly
Circus here today, innit, Vern?
- Double cheese?
- Please, Irene.
Double cheese for Neville, Vern.
- Anyone interesting been in today?
- No.
- Oh.
- Well, apart from that fella.
Who's that fella, Vern?
Big, fat bloke with a beard.
- Got an eye for the ladies.
- Got an eye for the ladies.
- Likes chicken.
- Geoff Capes.
No, he never leaves the house.
Oh, what's his name?
Henry VIII.
What, the Tudor King of England? I
didn't think he was around any more.
That's what I thought.
But it turns out he's been renting
a bungalow in Hemel Hempstead.
Oh, very nice.
I said to him, I said,
"Here, I better watch meself with
you, or you'll chop me head off."
Oh, he did laugh.
So, what was he doing
around here, then?
He was on a sponsored bike
ride with that Anne of Cleves.
She's got a face on her.
Yeah, they're raising money
for cystic fibrosis,
so Vern slipped him a fiver.
- You got to help the kiddies, Neville.
- Nice one, Vern.
Course, the minute
they cycle off,
they get a puncture going
into the slip road.
She weren't happy. She weren't
happy, was she, Vern?
Oh, dear.
Apparently, she didn't want to go
on a bike ride in the first place.
She wanted to go
shopping in Argos
and pick up one of them
snap-together shelving units.
You got to watch them. The
brackets can be a bit wobbly.
- Any sauce?
- No, thanks.
- Can I pay you tomorrow?
- You are so like Lord Lucan.
Take care, lover. Go
easy on them roads.
- Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
Oh, I never thought we'd get
away on a bank holiday.
I know. Can you believe an hour
ago we were stuck in traffic?
- Oh, it's great, isn't it?
- It's really refreshing.
- I feel so alive.
- Isn't it peaceful?
I'm just going to get a
bag of Mini Cheddars.
All right.
Right, now, our next guest has been
out on the town enjoying herself.
Now, we took her to see
a top West End show,
and then we treated her
to tea at the Ritz.
And here she is to tell us all about it.
Will you please welcome Joannie Taylor?
Let's hear it.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND APPLAUDING)
Hi, you all right?
Eh, have a look!
(CACKLING)
- Are you all right, love?
- Oh, here he is, here's me chap.
Hello, darling. Oh, innit
lovely to see you?
It's lovely to see you. Why don't you
go and sit down on the couch?
- Come on.
- Here, have look at it.
It's all right, eh?
(CACKLING)
Sit yourself there.
I've had a couple of
Guinness round the back.
(CACKLING)
Yeah, you been all right?
Oh, I'm a bit turped up, darling,
I'll tell you that much.
- You'll be okay.
- Oh, here we are.
Oh, have a look!
So, tell us, where
have you been?
- I've been to the theatre.
- Oh, have you?
We've been to see Billy
Elliot, if you don't mind.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Oh, and what a story, though.
- It's about the closure of the mines…
- Yeah.
…a community ripped apart,
but somehow they manage to soldier
on through the magic of dance.
(CACKLING)
Now, we did all this for you because
your grandson got in touch with us.
Yeah. Oh, beautiful boy, he is. I
don't know what I'd do without him.
'Cause he loves you,
you see, darling.
Oh, yeah, well, he
watches you all the time
'cause he ain't got a
job, see, you know?
Where is… Is he here? There he is.
Oh, have a look!
Have a look. He's sitting
next to all the old girls.
(CACKLING)
He thought you deserved a
little bit of a treat,
and he also told me that there's
something in your house
that you're not very fond of.
No, he died five years ago.
I think he was talking
more about your armchair.
Oh… Oh, that. Oh, it's
a rotten old thing.
Oh, I'm embarrassed when people
come up my house and see it.
I've tried to get rid of it, but
they won't do nothing about it.
I rang up the council.
I said, "Take it away."
They won't do nothing. They
don't want to work, see?
You have a look at that
screen over there.
- There you go, see it?
- Oh, it's me chair!
(CACKLING) It's my
chair in a field.
And here, now, here's
your chance now
to finally get your own
back on that chair.
- What are we going to do? Blow it up?
- Blow it up, that's right.
- Blow up my chair?
- Yeah.
- What, now?
- Yeah.
Just give it a good push, Mrs Taylor.
Can you manage it?
Yeah.
(CACKLING)
Oh, me chair's on
fire in a field!
Oh, that's marvellous,
that is, innit, eh?
Now, have a look at this. Have
a look at this over there.
- That's my flat!
- Yeah.
That's me flat!
And you've got a brand-new,
state-of-the-art armchair.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
GRADY: Yep.
You been in my flat?
- Yeah, I had to, so, you know…
- You been inside my fucking flat?
Well…
Listen, it's a fabulous chair. It's
got an electrically heated seat.
What are you trying to do?
Burn me fucking arse off?
Electrically heated seat? Me pension
book was down the side of it.
I bet you went right
down the post office
and cashed that, didn't you?
You no-good Scouse bastard.
What a fucking liberty!
And to cap it all,
you've sent me packing down to
watch that pile of old tat.
All the little fairy boys
dancing about in tutus.
I bet you've seen it, ain't you?
Singing songs about
fucking mines.
Oh, that's all I need.
That's it, I'm going now.
You fucking mob of…
Come on, you, come on down here.
Oh, I can smell the
piss from here.
Paul O'Grady? What a
load of old shit!
What's he doing here?
This is my baby, too.
Come on, stay with it.
(GROANING)
One more push and it's out.
No!
I've not done it again, have I?
- ALL: All right?
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Now, I will ask
you some questions individually,
and all you have to do is answer me
and I will mark you for the exam.
So let me begin with Lauren.
Ça va, Lauren?
You talking to me?
Oui, Lauren, il faut que
vous parliez en fraçais.
Is it?
Lauren, it's a French oral exam.
You have to try to speak in French.
Whatever.
Lauren, s'il vous plaît,
quel âge avez-vous?
I don't know. Ask me in English.
Lauren, it's a French oral test.
But I ain't a French oral.
What?
I'm an English oral. So if you want to
ask me a question, ask me in English.
Lauren, French is an
important language.
Not for me, it ain't.
And it can teach you a lot
about your own language.
Don't care.
Lauren, you have to try
to make an effort.
- No, I don't.
- It's a beautiful language.
- Miss, have you got hairy armpits?
- I beg your pardon?
- Are you scared of razors, miss?
- No, I'm not.
- Are they expensive in Frenchland?
- No, they're not.
- Then why don't you buy one, then?
- How dare you!
- Miss, were you in 'Allo 'Allo?
- No.
Miss, say "Good moaning".
No.
- Go on, just say "Good moaning".
- No.
- Go on, say "Good moaning".
- No, I'm not going to say that.
Please, miss, just say "Good moaning".
Say "Good moaning".
- Good morning.
- You were in 'Allo 'Allo, miss.
Right, Lauren, that's enough.
I'm not going to stand here and listen
to this kind of xenophobic abuse
from a stupid girl who is too
ignorant to even learn the language
let alone understand the people.
I will fail you for this test,
which means you will get an
F for the entire module.
Suis-je bovèred?
- What?
- Suis-je bovèred, though?
Lauren…
- Regardez mon visage.
- Comment?
- Regardez mon visage.
- Lauren…
Regardez mon visage. Est-ce
que mon visage bovèred?
- Non, mais…
- Non, parce que je ne suis pas bovèred.
Lauren, your behaviour,
it's absolutely appalling.
Do you behave like this at home?
Est-ce que vous
disrepectè ma famille?
Quoi?
Esf-ce que vous appelez
ma mère une pikey?
Non…
Est-ce que vous appelez
mon père un gypo?
Pas du tout!
Regarfez, visage. Regardez.
Est-ce que mon visage bovèred?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Regardez mon visage.
- Lauren…
- Je ne suis pas bovèred.
- Non.
- Pas bovèred. Pas bovèred.
Thierry Henry?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
- Pas bovèred. Pas bovèred.
- D'accord.
Regardez mon visage.
Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques.
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Non, je ne suis pas bovèred.
- Un kilo de pommes. Un kilo de pommes.
- Quoi?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Où est le syndicat d'intiative?
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
'Allo 'Allo! René, René, René!
Regardez mon visage.
Je ne suis pas bovèred.
I ain't bovvered!
I'm proud to call myself French.
Our nation has produced
some of the finest examples
of culture and enlightenment
in European history.
Our philosophers, our
filmmakers, our artists
have made a profound contribution
to modern civilisation.
And you, young lady,
if you bothered to pay the
slightest attention in my lessons,
might benefit also.
Have you been eating garlic?
I can't believe it.
Our first home.
I know. I never thought
we'd exchange.
And you've got the panoramic
view you've always wanted.
Yeah, 18th floor.
Oh, I'm just going to
get a bag of Nik Naks.
Oh, you and your Nik Naks.
I'll see you up there.
- MAN: Mark it.
- 107, take 1.
- I can't do this any more.
- I don't like this any more than you do.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
No!
MAN: Cut there. Is
everything all right?
Yeah, fine. Is… Is
something wrong?
MAN: No… Let's just go
again straight away.
107, take 2.
- I can't do this any more.
- I don't like this any more than you.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
Oh, saucy.
Let's just do one more, and can
you maybe make it a little more
truthful this time?
Yeah, yes. Yeah, sure. Sorry.
I thought I was, actually. But, no,
cool, so let's do another one.
- Sorry.
- No, don't worry about it.
- Let's do one more.
- Okay.
107, take 3.
- I can't go on like this.
- I don't like this any more than you do.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
Oh, well, if you're going to
be like that about it, missus.
MAN: Hold it there.
- Is that any better?
- Okay, we're going again.
Oh, God.
Yeah, we seem to be losing it
a little at the end there.
Do you? Right, okay, sorry.
What do you mean?
- Um, well, it's your voice, actually.
- Oh.
- Well, that's odd. Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Yeah, it's just beginning
to slip into something else
that's not quite you.
Right. Oh, hold on.
I'm not doing my
Frankie Howerd, am I?
Yes, that's exactly it. It's
a bit like Frankie Howerd.
Oh, I've had that note before.
It's something I do with
my mouth, apparently.
I'm amazed that
you spotted that.
It's coming across
quite broad, actually.
Is it? Oh. Oh, I'm a bit
freaked out by that.
But that's the thing
about film, isn't it?
I mean, it just picks
up the slightest thing.
Yeah, right.
- So, ready to go again?
- Yes, yes, I…
No, I absolutely
know what you mean.
- Yeah.
- Okay, let's have it one last time.
107, take 4.
- I can't go on like this.
- I don't like this any more than you do.
- I shouldn't be here.
- You're all I think about.
No!
Sorry, sorry, keep
rolling, keep rolling.
This is the one, this is the one.
Give me the cue line.
- You're all I think about.
- Don't say that.
I love you so much.
No, no, it's… What?
No, well, that's a big one. No!
Oh, no! What? Shut
your face, no.
♪ Down in the meadow
in a little bitty pool
♪ Swam three little fishies
and the mama fishy, too ♪
Do you mind? What? No. Shut your face.
What? No.
Oh, yes. No, missus. What?
Shut your face.
What? Shut your face. No. What?
Oh, no! What? Shh, shh.
No. Shush. Shush.
I think that was the one.
♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days
♪ Saturday
♪ What a day
♪ Rocking all week with you ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend, pet?
- It was lovely, thank you.
Michaela went to a
sleepover party.
Did she have a good night, or
did she wake up in the morning
with her pyjama bottoms sodden
and another mattress ruined?
No, it was fine.
Hey, that's champion news.
Can I borrow your nice,
non-slip hole puncture?
- Sure.
- I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down at
the Wearside Working Mothers' Club,
doing a little fundraiser.
Oh, another one. What are
you doing this time?
We're pulling a Boeing 747
from Whitley Bay to Tynemouth
using only the B roads
for all of the little folk
in the North-east area
who suffer from sex addiction.
Sex addiction? Is that a big
problem in the North-east?
Did you know
that one in four families settle down
to watch telly of a Saturday evening
knowing in their hearts they're going to
have to endure the distraction of dad
hunched up at the end of
the sofa knocking one out?
Surely not.
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website
/canitroubleyouforasoapytitwank.
How much shall I
put you down for?
Uh, let's say £3.
£3?
I'm not sure you quite understand
the scale of this epidemic, Martin.
Every 38 minutes,
one of these poor, little unfortunates,
through no fault of his own,
ducks in at the
nearest delicatessen,
sinks his old fella into a tub of
hummus and starts pumping away.
I'm sorry, Georgie, it's just
a bit hard at the moment.
No! Sorry, I didn't mean…
Aye, that's it. Laugh it up.
How would you like it
if every time someone rubbed
up against you in Homebase,
you had to sneak off into bathroom
fittings for a swift hand-shandy?
- I'm really sorry. £4.
- £4
for all those poor little lasses who
cannae even go to the post office
to buy a book of stamps without
sitting on the cashier's face?
- It's my absolute tops.
- £4 it is, then.
I've just had one of
those weeks, I can't…
Well, then let's say
no more about it,
because I wouldn't want it
to come between us.
Is that a new blouse, Georgie?
Only, I've not seen you wear it before.
It looks nice.
That'll cool you down,
you horny little beggar.
♪ Walk upon England's mountains green ♪
Oh, Mummy, I do enjoy
our visits to Guillaume.
He really is the greatest
anaraufierin London,
if not the Home Counties.
- Good God in heaven above.
- What is it?
I must have taken
a wrong turning.
We seem to have driven
into a place called
Tottenham.
- Mummy, look!
- What's that?
Shall we feed him?
No, if you do that, he
may follow us home.
Mummy, this is scary.
I'm looking, but no
one's wearing brogues.
Calm down.
We must remember the time we
were on safari in the Serengeti.
We keep the windows
and doors locked,
and don't let the locals see
the windscreen wipers moving
in case they try
to rip them off.
Mummy, look at this.
Yes, I've heard of that.
- I think they sell…
- Sell what, Mummy?
Frozen food.
Now, try not to panic,
but the traffic lights are red, and
there's a man standing next to them
with a bucket of dirty
water and a sponge.
Just smile and look out front.
Don't look him in the eyes.
He wants you to look him in
the eyes, but you mustn't.
He's going away. We did it.
I can't wait to tell them at school.
My day in Tottenham.
(ALL SCREAMING)
ALL: We're all going to die!
- So, we're on our way to Filey.
- Well, it's a day at the coast, innit?
We're on our way to Filey
because I wanted to look round
the Museum of Victoriana
and Ray fancied a fish supper.
Best fish and chips in Europe.
Mind you, we didn't go
straight there, did we?
We stopped off in Castleford
to see our Valda.
Big mistake.
So, we get there, and she's only
having a charity coffee morning.
A coffee morning for charity.
This is in Castleford.
- So, we knock on the door.
- Listen to this.
- And it's 50p to get in.
- 50p to get into her house.
- Still, it's for the blind.
- It's not even a house, it's a bungalow.
So, we step in, and she asks
us to take our shoes off.
She's not even a Muslim.
So, I go through to the lounge and
the world and his wife were there.
At 50p a pop.
Except for the Ainsworths,
who'd all gone to Huddersfield
'cause their Jessica's got another
interview at Huddersfield University.
- She'll not get in.
- So, she brings us over a coffee, Valda.
Listen to this.
She says, "I hope you don't mind,
but I'm allergic to dairy."
She can't eat milk.
And you'll never guess what she's
made the coffee with instead.
This is unbelievable.
What did she call it?
Rice Lite.
Don't ask.
Rice Lite.
- Do you know what it is?
- Wait for it.
Milk made from rice.
Rice milk.
The dirty bastards.
They get a bit of rice
and they squeeze it,
and what comes out the end
they stick in a carton
and call it rice milk.
He went mad, didn't you?
Don't get me wrong, I'm as
broad-minded as the next man.
He once shook hands with a fella who
was definitely a little bit effeminate.
- But I'm not having that, no way.
- But that's not it.
- She gives us a bill for the coffee.
- Tell them how much.
£1.50.
- Each.
- £3 in all.
Two coffees, shit milk, £3.
Even Dick Turpin wore a mask.
And I came out with
the wrong shoes.
The dirty, evil,
lactose-intolerant bastards.
- So, he finally proposed.
- Yeah, he asked me last night.
- It was so romantic.
- That is fantastic.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I'm absolutely delighted.
That is so exciting. You're
going to get married.
Oh, hang on a minute. I'm just gonna
go and get a bag of Monster Munch.
Okay.
(CAR TYRES SCREECHING)
- Hi.
- Afternoon.
- Nice day.
- Smashing.
Beautiful on the Heath
this time of year.
The crisp, autumnal air, the
crackle of leaves underfoot,
knockout.
- I had a tall, skinny latte earlier.
- I know the feeling.
Can I help you, dear?
Well, I was wondering
if I could help you.
How do you mean?
Would you like to
join me in there?
In there? What for?
Well, some fun.
I beg pardon?
I was wondering if
you and I could
get together for some fun.
- Yes, I heard that bit.
- Come on, then, unleash the monster.
How very dare you!
Do you mean you're not…
Who, dear? Me, dear?
Gay, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man knows
the entire dance routine
to Making Your Mind Up,
skirt rip and all,
you accuse him of bowling
from the pavilion end?
Look, I'm sorry, I thought
you were cruising.
Cruising? I've never
been so insulted.
Well, what can I say?
I've made a mistake.
Twenty-five years my mother and I
have been coming on this heath,
and I've never in all that time been
accused of being a chutney ferret.
I am so sorry.
Cruising for fun?
Unleash the monster?
How very dare you!
Come on, Leonard. Walkies.
- Jellied eels.
- This is in London.
- The dirty, evil, Cockney bastards.
- The dirty, evil, Cockney bastards.
Morning, Neville.
How you diddling?
- Not so bad, Irene. Yourself?
- Rushed off my feet, Neville.
It's been like Piccadilly
Circus here today, innit, Vern?
- Double cheese?
- Please, Irene.
Double cheese for Neville, Vern.
- Anyone interesting been in today?
- No.
- Oh.
- Well, apart from that fella.
Who's that fella, Vern?
Big, fat bloke with a beard.
- Got an eye for the ladies.
- Got an eye for the ladies.
- Likes chicken.
- Geoff Capes.
No, he never leaves the house.
Oh, what's his name?
Henry VIII.
What, the Tudor King of England? I
didn't think he was around any more.
That's what I thought.
But it turns out he's been renting
a bungalow in Hemel Hempstead.
Oh, very nice.
I said to him, I said,
"Here, I better watch meself with
you, or you'll chop me head off."
Oh, he did laugh.
So, what was he doing
around here, then?
He was on a sponsored bike
ride with that Anne of Cleves.
She's got a face on her.
Yeah, they're raising money
for cystic fibrosis,
so Vern slipped him a fiver.
- You got to help the kiddies, Neville.
- Nice one, Vern.
Course, the minute
they cycle off,
they get a puncture going
into the slip road.
She weren't happy. She weren't
happy, was she, Vern?
Oh, dear.
Apparently, she didn't want to go
on a bike ride in the first place.
She wanted to go
shopping in Argos
and pick up one of them
snap-together shelving units.
You got to watch them. The
brackets can be a bit wobbly.
- Any sauce?
- No, thanks.
- Can I pay you tomorrow?
- You are so like Lord Lucan.
Take care, lover. Go
easy on them roads.
- Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
Oh, I never thought we'd get
away on a bank holiday.
I know. Can you believe an hour
ago we were stuck in traffic?
- Oh, it's great, isn't it?
- It's really refreshing.
- I feel so alive.
- Isn't it peaceful?
I'm just going to get a
bag of Mini Cheddars.
All right.
Right, now, our next guest has been
out on the town enjoying herself.
Now, we took her to see
a top West End show,
and then we treated her
to tea at the Ritz.
And here she is to tell us all about it.
Will you please welcome Joannie Taylor?
Let's hear it.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND APPLAUDING)
Hi, you all right?
Eh, have a look!
(CACKLING)
- Are you all right, love?
- Oh, here he is, here's me chap.
Hello, darling. Oh, innit
lovely to see you?
It's lovely to see you. Why don't you
go and sit down on the couch?
- Come on.
- Here, have look at it.
It's all right, eh?
(CACKLING)
Sit yourself there.
I've had a couple of
Guinness round the back.
(CACKLING)
Yeah, you been all right?
Oh, I'm a bit turped up, darling,
I'll tell you that much.
- You'll be okay.
- Oh, here we are.
Oh, have a look!
So, tell us, where
have you been?
- I've been to the theatre.
- Oh, have you?
We've been to see Billy
Elliot, if you don't mind.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Oh, and what a story, though.
- It's about the closure of the mines…
- Yeah.
…a community ripped apart,
but somehow they manage to soldier
on through the magic of dance.
(CACKLING)
Now, we did all this for you because
your grandson got in touch with us.
Yeah. Oh, beautiful boy, he is. I
don't know what I'd do without him.
'Cause he loves you,
you see, darling.
Oh, yeah, well, he
watches you all the time
'cause he ain't got a
job, see, you know?
Where is… Is he here? There he is.
Oh, have a look!
Have a look. He's sitting
next to all the old girls.
(CACKLING)
He thought you deserved a
little bit of a treat,
and he also told me that there's
something in your house
that you're not very fond of.
No, he died five years ago.
I think he was talking
more about your armchair.
Oh… Oh, that. Oh, it's
a rotten old thing.
Oh, I'm embarrassed when people
come up my house and see it.
I've tried to get rid of it, but
they won't do nothing about it.
I rang up the council.
I said, "Take it away."
They won't do nothing. They
don't want to work, see?
You have a look at that
screen over there.
- There you go, see it?
- Oh, it's me chair!
(CACKLING) It's my
chair in a field.
And here, now, here's
your chance now
to finally get your own
back on that chair.
- What are we going to do? Blow it up?
- Blow it up, that's right.
- Blow up my chair?
- Yeah.
- What, now?
- Yeah.
Just give it a good push, Mrs Taylor.
Can you manage it?
Yeah.
(CACKLING)
Oh, me chair's on
fire in a field!
Oh, that's marvellous,
that is, innit, eh?
Now, have a look at this. Have
a look at this over there.
- That's my flat!
- Yeah.
That's me flat!
And you've got a brand-new,
state-of-the-art armchair.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
GRADY: Yep.
You been in my flat?
- Yeah, I had to, so, you know…
- You been inside my fucking flat?
Well…
Listen, it's a fabulous chair. It's
got an electrically heated seat.
What are you trying to do?
Burn me fucking arse off?
Electrically heated seat? Me pension
book was down the side of it.
I bet you went right
down the post office
and cashed that, didn't you?
You no-good Scouse bastard.
What a fucking liberty!
And to cap it all,
you've sent me packing down to
watch that pile of old tat.
All the little fairy boys
dancing about in tutus.
I bet you've seen it, ain't you?
Singing songs about
fucking mines.
Oh, that's all I need.
That's it, I'm going now.
You fucking mob of…
Come on, you, come on down here.
Oh, I can smell the
piss from here.
Paul O'Grady? What a
load of old shit!
What's he doing here?
This is my baby, too.
Come on, stay with it.
(GROANING)
One more push and it's out.
No!
I've not done it again, have I?