The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript
Lauren is about to get married however there is some trouble at the alter of this not-exactly-traditional wedding.
- You all right, bruv?
- Yeah, man. I is well up for this.
- Hello, there. Are you Ryan?
- Innit.
I'm the vicar, Reverend Willis. I'll
be conducting your wedding service.
Fierce.
Your processional
music is ready.
Now, did you bring the vows
that you and Lauren wrote?
Good. Thank you.
Well, then, I think we're
about ready to start.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
All right?
BOTH: All right?
We are all gathered here today
to celebrate the wedding
of Lauren and Ryan.
It's wonderful to see how many of you
are here to support this young couple
as they embark upon a
lifetime together.
Now, Lauren and Ryan have asked to say
their own specially written vows.
So, after the first
hymn, we shall…
Right, I don't want no God music.
Let's just get wed, innit?
Right. Okay, right. Well,
fine, you first, Ryan.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Do you, Ryan Kanye
Fiddy Cent Perkins,
take Lauren Alesha
Masheka Tanesha
Felicia Jane Cooper to be
your lawful wedded wife?
Is it.
And do you promise not to
disrespect her family,
or call her dad a lard
arse, or her mum an ASBO?
Innit, though.
Does that mean yes?
Right, good. Well, fine.
So, now your turn, Lauren.
Do you take Ryan to be your
lawful wedded husband?
Is it.
And do you promise
not to diss him
as long as he swears on his decks
that he won't call your dad a wino,
or refer to you or
your mum as a pikey?
- Innit, though.
- Good.
Well, now, Lauren and
Ryan, you have both…
Have I finished?
- Well…
- Have I finished, though?
- Have you finished?
- No, I ain't even finished.
Right.
♪ Every night in my dreams
♪ I see you, I feel you
♪ That is how I know you go on
Mate, what are you doing?
♪ Near, far
♪ Wherever you are
♪ I believe that the heart does go on
What you doing, mate?
♪ (SQUEALING) Once more
♪ You open the door
♪ And I know
♪ That the heart does go on ♪
That is well shameful.
What?
You've badly shown yourself
up there, though, innit?
Ain't you gonna sing She's
The One by Robbie Williams?
No, man.
- But I'm the one, though.
- Not any more you ain't.
What do you mean?
- I ain't marrying that.
- What?
What was I thinking?
I can't get married.
I got to concentrate
on me army and stuff.
Jamal, let's chip.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- But he just dumped you at the altar.
- I didn't wanna marry him anyway.
You did, though.
No, I didn't, though.
Marriage is for losers.
But you started singing, mate.
- No, I didn't.
- But you did though.
I was gonna do that anyway.
But you thought you
were Celine Dion.
- Are you calling me a moose?
- No.
But I ain't even
a moose, though.
Are you okay, Lauren?
- What you doing?
- I just wondered if you were okay.
- Who asked you, though?
- I was just…
Who asked you, though?
- Well, I…
- Did I ask your opinion, though?
- Well, no.
- Did I ask your opinion, though?
- Well, no…
- Well, shut up, then.
I beg your pardon.
- You ain't even a real vicar anyway.
- I most certainly am.
They don't let lesbians
become priests.
I beg your pardon.
Did they think you
were a bloke, Father?
I'm not a father,
I'm a reverend.
- Are you a pre-op transsexual?
- No.
- I am not.
- Well, you look like one.
Well, I can assure you I am not.
- Have you had the operation?
- I don't have to put up…
Did they take one off or
are they putting one on?
(STAMMERING) I
suggest you leave!
- Are you Arthur or Martha?
- What?
- Are you Arthur? Then you're Martha.
- No.
- Are you Arthur or Martha?
- No. What?
- Are you Arthur and Martha?
- That is enough!
I am a servant of God, and I believe
in the sacred union of marriage.
You have shown no respect
to me or my calling.
By offending me, you have
offended the Almighty.
God has witnessed this!
Am I bovvered?
- I'm sorry?
- Am I bovvered, though?
- What?
- I ain't bovvered.
- Well…
- Do I look bovvered?
- Well, no, but…
- No, that's 'cause I ain't bovvered.
- Deep down you are.
- (MIMICKING REVEREND) Deep down I ain't.
- Lauren, God sees…
- God, shmod.
- Lauren!
- He ain't bovvered.
- What?
- God ain't bovvered.
Do you think God's bovvered?
I ain't even bovvered.
Ask him if he's bovvered.
Ask God if he's bovvered.
- Ask the Almighty if he's bovvered.
- Look…
He ain't bovvered.
- Go on, ask him if he's bovvered.
- I… This…
- Just…
- Just ask him if he's bovvered!
Are you bovvered, Lord?
See, he ain't even bovvered.
You will go straight to hell.
As long as I don't see you,
I'll have a nice time.
Look, this is absurd.
- Face, bovvered?
- What?
Bovvered, face?
I ain't even bovvered, though.
Face. Lesbian haircut.
I ain't even bovvered.
Look, bovvered, face? Comfortable shoes.
Ain't even bovvered.
- I can't…
- Look, God squad. Face, bovvered?
I ain't bovvered.
I ain't bovvered!
I have never been so
offended in my entire life.
May God forgive you. I certainly
can't, you little fuckwit.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Still ain't bovvered.
So, we've gone for a
run out to Keighley.
- Not the original plan.
- We were going to Bolton Abbey.
But it was shut.
So we thought we'd go
to Keighley instead.
There's nothing there,
but it's close.
- We finally arrive.
- Road works on the A42.
- And we're both starving hungry.
- Well, it's lunchtime by now.
So Ray sees one of these
new sandwich bars.
- What were it called?
- Summat French. Don't ask.
But I say, "How far wrong can
you go with a sandwich?"
Listen to this.
We go up to the counter,
look at the display.
This is unbelievable.
And you'll never guess
what they're selling.
This is off the radar.
What they've got the
cheek to ask money for.
Go on.
A no-bread sandwich.
A sandwich with no bread!
A prawn and avocado
no-bread sandwich.
Prawn and avocado, basically.
This is in Keighley.
The dirty bastards.
They've made a sandwich,
scraped the filling out,
put it in a plastic box, £3.50.
I kid you not.
The dirty, evil,
breadless bastards.
You've got a lot of tension
in your shoulders, there.
Tension, dear, yes, dear.
I think that might have
loosened things up a bit.
Oh, yes, dear, you've
certainly got the touch.
Okay.
I think I'm about done here,
unless there's anything else
I can do for you, Derek.
How do you mean, dear?
I beg pardon?
Yes, I heard that bit.
Well?
How very dare you!
Oh, it's just most of the
gentlemen who come in here
like to finish with a
little, um, relief.
A little relief?
How very, very double dare you!
I'm sorry, Derek, but most of
the gay men do expect extras.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
You mean you're not gay?
Who, dear? Me, dear?
Gay, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man
polishes his shoes
and can describe every hat that
Lesley Judd wore '73 through '78,
you assume he plays
Mamjinks on the man pipes.
I'm so sorry, Derek. I
don't know what to say.
This whole operation
reeks of impertinence.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Any extras? How very dare you!
♪ I tumble out of bed and
I stumble in the kitchen
♪ Pour myself a cup of ambition
♪ And yawn and stretch
and try to come alive
♪ Jump in the shower the
blood starts pumping
♪ Out in the street
the traffic is jumping
♪ With folks like me on
the job from 9:00 to 5:00
BOTH: ♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00
♪ What a way to make a living ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
How was your Michaela's
birthday party?
She had a fantastic time.
Did she ruin it for
everyone else,
or is her attention deficit
disorder under control?
It was a lovely party.
I'm made up for you.
Can I borrow your nice
lime-green highlighter?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls
down at the Gateshead
Softball and Racket Club
are doing a little fundraiser
next Thursday evening.
Another sponsored event.
What's it for this time?
We're scaling the Great North
Wall for all the little folks.
- Oh, right. Which ones?
- Dwarves.
Dwarves? Is that a big
problem in Gateshead?
Did you know that
every 40 minutes
an undersized person gets asked
where his other six mates are?
- I had no idea.
- If you don't believe me,
- How much shall I put you down for?
- Uh…
Actually, I'm a bit
short at the moment.
(STAMMERING) Sorry, look,
I didn't mean it to sound like that.
Aye, that's it. Laugh it up.
I'm really… I'm really sorry.
Here.
Look, uh, there you go.
(SIGHS)
50 pence, is it?
50 pence to scale a
100 foot rock face
for all those little tiddlers who
need steps to go to the toilet?
Dwarves don't really
need charity.
Well, maybe you'd see things differently
if you lived your life like this.
- Babe.
- I know.
Bet you was wondering
where I was, weren't you?
I've been pacing up and
down like a nutter.
- You know what I've done, don't you?
- What you done?
- Missed the bus.
- You never!
On my life, I missed
the first one,
second one was packed,
had to get the third one,
threw me whole schedule
out of kilter,
now I'm bowling up 10 minutes
late like a lunatic.
I tell you, they ought to
write a book about you.
Yeah, but who'd believe it?
You won't believe what's
happened to me today.
What happened, babe?
8:30 this morning, I'm
on me way to work.
- Oh, here we go.
- This is a blinder.
8:30 this morning, I'm
on me way to work…
Did you have something
to eat on the bus?
Always have something to
eat on the bus, don't I?
What'd you have today, babe?
I had a packet of those mini Ryvitas,
only 3% fat, but you wouldn't think it,
'cause they're a tasty
and satisfying snack.
And them adverts Fern
Britton does are hilarious.
Oh, I'll tell you, they are.
They're very, very funny.
I mean, her head on a little
skinny body, that kills me.
She is game, isn't she? Eh?
Course, what I really wanted
was a caramel Magnum,
but they're 350 calories a pop. And
I thought, "Don't do it, Sam",
"'cause you'll only
regret it come Saturday"
"when you can't get into
your skinny jeans."
Good girl.
Having said that, when
I got off the bus,
I caved in and had a
Terry's Chocolate Orange.
Naughty, I know, but you're a
long time dead, ain't you?
Well, you only live the
once, don't you, babe?
So, anyway, I get to work, I get
in the lift, 1 press the button,
get out the lift, I
walk to me desk,
I put me bag on the desk,
put me coat on the desk,
put me Terry's Chocolate
Orange wrapper on the desk,
thought, "Me desk
looks crowded."
So I put me coat on the chair,
take me bag, put it on the floor,
take the Terry's Chocolate Orange
wrapper and put it in the bin.
- What, you've eaten it already?
- Oh, yeah, didn't touch the sides.
- You are a one-off.
- I know.
So, anyway, by this time, I'm
bursting for the toilet.
And I say, "I'm just
going for a wee."
And then Elaine, that new girl, she's
already got her head in a twist,
she pipes up with,
"You and your bladder, you
wanna get that seen to."
- She never!
- Straight up.
She ain't said two words to
anyone since she's been there,
and now she's announcing to the
world I've got a weak bladder.
That's a bit much, innit?
We don't take much notice
of her, to be honest.
She spits when she speaks.
So, anyway, I get to the door,
and then all of a sudden…
(IMITATES MOBILE RINGTONE #1)
And Elaine says, "Ain't
that your mobile?"
And I say, "No, my
mobile don't go…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1)
"My mobile goes…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #2)
And she says, "Well,
whose mobile goes…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1)
And I say, "That's Shona's."
And Shona says, "No,
my mobile don't go…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1 )
"My mobile goes…"
♪ Don't you wish your
girlfriend was hot like me? ♪
So, then Elaine goes,
"Well, whose phone goes…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1 )
And we all say, "I dunno!"
Babe, babe.
Your phone does go…
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1 )
No, it don't.
You are mental.
(MOBILE RINGTONE #1 PLAYING)
No!
Uh, Georgie, I'm doing a fundraiser at
Michaela's school to raise awareness…
I couldn't be less interested.
I'm having a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt.
Who wants a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
Chloe, would you like a
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?
Yes, please.
Imogen, Chloe and I are having
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurts.
Would you like a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
Oh, yes, please.
Fergus, Imogen, Chloe and I are going to
have gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.
Would you like a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
Yum-yum.
Thomas, Imogen, Fergus, Chloe and I are
having gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.
Would you like a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
What's the matter, Thomas?
Don't you like gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
I don't know, Mummy.
I've never tried gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt before.
Well, come on, quick sticks,
would you like to try a
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?
I think I'll pass, Mummy. I've only
just got my head round hummus.
Everybody, stop!
Put down your gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurts.
What is it, Mummy?
This yoghurt pot is
dated 9th of May.
But today's the 10th.
That can only mean…
These gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurts
have been out of date for 24 hours.
At least it's low-fat yoghurt.
It doesn't make any
difference, Chloe.
Out-of-date, low-fat yoghurt
can be just as dangerous
as ordinary yoghurt
that fat people eat.
- What can we do?
- We may need to evacuate.
Mrs Taylor-Thomas, I think
it may be too late.
Fergus, what do you mean?
I've already eaten some of the
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.
Fergus, no!
I'm afraid so. I slurped
some straight from the pot
before the dessert spoons had
even been passed around.
It serves me right for being such
an old greedy gobble gannet.
There must be
something we can do.
There's nothing you can do,
Immy, but save yourselves.
The infected dairy produce is
well into my system by now.
- Fergus!
- Immy, no!
Fergus is right.
We have to get as far away
from him as possible.
Now, come on, children.
Say goodbye to Fergus.
You poor brave
boy, I'm so sorry.
Don't blame yourself,
Mrs Taylor-Thomas.
Tinfoil lids are notoriously
difficult to read.
I'll never forget you, Fergus.
Take my house badge
to remember me by.
Don't touch it!
Perhaps we could sing something.
I'd like that.
♪ And did those feet
♪ In ancient times
♪ Walk upon England's
mountains green
♪ And was the holy lamb of God
♪ On England's
pleasant pastures seen
♪ And did the countenance divine
♪ Shine forth upon
our clouded hills ♪
(CHILDREN'S SHOW
PLAYING ON TELEVISION)
- Do you want a cup of tea, babe?
- Oh, yeah, lovely.
(CRASHING)
Paul!
What, babe?
You won't believe
what's just happened.
- What's happened?
- Found that earring I was looking for.
- Where was it?
- I dunno!
One word.
Sushi
This is in Nagasaki.
The dirty, evil, raw
fish guzzling bastards.
(CACKLING)
- She here, then?
- Yeah.
- She arrived?
- Yeah.
- Plane on time?
- Yeah.
- Got in from the airport?
- Yeah.
- Where is she?
- Who?
- Auntie Junie.
- My sister.
- Yeah.
- From Spain?
- Yeah.
- She's here.
- I know.
- She arrived this morning.
- I know.
- She flew in on an aeroplane.
I know. Where is she?
She's in the fucking kitchen.
What's the matter with you?
(CACKLING)
Here he is.
- Hello, Auntie Junie.
- He's come up and see you.
- You've come up and see me.
- Yeah.
Oh, you are a good boy.
Oh, look you at
you, all grown up.
I remember when you was
just a dinky little thing.
Oh, ain't he handsome?
Oh, ain't he handsome?
I mean, he's gonna
break some hearts.
Have you got a job, darling?
No, I'm at university.
- You're at university?
- Yeah.
- You're at university?
- Yeah.
Fucking poof.
I told you.
(CACKLING)
- Here, June.
- What?
- Have a look at these old pictures.
- Oh!
Do you remember when
that one was taken?
That's Frankie and Nelly
Bassett's wedding.
They went to Great Yarmouth
for their honeymoon.
That's right, and then Frankie
turned over the guest house
and spent the next
four years inside.
(CACKLING)
What, he went to prison?
Oh, yeah. He was in and out
the nick all his life.
But then, they were the first people
in their street to get colour TV,
so you got to weigh
it all up, ain't you?
Look, that's Jimmy Longsocks.
Oh, good old Jim.
- Aw.
- Why was he called Longsocks?
Well, he was a very fastidious man.
He used to hitch his socks
right up over his knees,
and they had to be
exactly the same height
before he slit your throat.
- What?
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
I mean, they were the last
thing people saw before,
"Thank you very much,"
and… That's your lot.
Here. There's Mickey Wallopnuts.
He used to slice people's nuts
off while they was asleep.
Yeah, they wouldn't notice till
they woke up in the morning,
and they'd look down and they
wouldn't have any Charlie Hollocks.
- He was a master craftsman.
- Oh, wasn't he?
Oh, oh, oh! Look!
There's Eddie the Grass.
That must be one of the last
photos they took of him.
Why, what happened?
They chopped him
up piece by piece
and posted him to famous landmarks
in 15 different countries.
Still, he always said he
wanted to see the world.
Yeah, but not all at once.
(BOTH CACKLING)
- Who's that with you there, Junie?
- Oh, that's Johnny Clownface.
Ah, Clownface was a
criminal as well, was he?
No. He was a children's
entertainer.
Really?
No, he did kill people.
Nan, that's terrible.
Oh, look, it was different
years ago, son.
I mean, yes, they boiled people
alive in vats of burning oil.
Yes, they sent people to their
death in concrete slippers.
Yes, they'd cut your head off for
eating one of their biscuits.
But they were very
good to their mothers,
and you could leave your
back-door wide open.
Not that you'd want to with
that fucking mob running about.
Look, there's Tommy the Nostril.
- Very keen sense of smell.
- Yeah.
- There's Ronnie the Cardigan.
- Oh, he liked a nice bit of knitwear.
There's Dicky Bow, you
could take him anywhere.
- And Johnny One Leg.
- Always hopping.
- Junie!
- What?
- I can't believe this.
- What?
- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- What are you going on about?
Oh, I don't know what's the
matter with him. He never stops.
- He's not lost for a bunny, is he?
- Oh, he gives me ear ache.
It's just rabbit, rabbit,
rabbit all day fucking long.
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
♪ You got a beautiful chin
♪ You got beautiful skin
♪ You got a beautiful face
♪ You got taste
♪ You got beautiful eyes
♪ He's got beautiful thighs!
Now, I don't mind having a chat.
- No, you like it.
- I like that.
But you have to keep
giving it back!
♪ 'Cause you won't stop talking
♪ Why don't you give it a rest?
♪ Yeah, June
♪ You've got more
rabbit than Sainsbury's
♪ It's time you got
it off your chest
(WHOOPING)
Go on, love!
♪ Now, you were just the kind
of boy to break my heart in two
♪ I knew that right off when I
first clapped me eyes on you
♪ But how was I to know
you'd have me ear holes, too
♪ With your excessive talking?
♪ You're becoming a pest
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
♪ Yip-yap. Yip-yap, bunny, bunny,
bunny jabber, jabber, jabber
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
bunny, bunny, bunny
♪ jabber, jabber, jabber
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit ♪
- Yeah, man. I is well up for this.
- Hello, there. Are you Ryan?
- Innit.
I'm the vicar, Reverend Willis. I'll
be conducting your wedding service.
Fierce.
Your processional
music is ready.
Now, did you bring the vows
that you and Lauren wrote?
Good. Thank you.
Well, then, I think we're
about ready to start.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
All right?
BOTH: All right?
We are all gathered here today
to celebrate the wedding
of Lauren and Ryan.
It's wonderful to see how many of you
are here to support this young couple
as they embark upon a
lifetime together.
Now, Lauren and Ryan have asked to say
their own specially written vows.
So, after the first
hymn, we shall…
Right, I don't want no God music.
Let's just get wed, innit?
Right. Okay, right. Well,
fine, you first, Ryan.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Do you, Ryan Kanye
Fiddy Cent Perkins,
take Lauren Alesha
Masheka Tanesha
Felicia Jane Cooper to be
your lawful wedded wife?
Is it.
And do you promise not to
disrespect her family,
or call her dad a lard
arse, or her mum an ASBO?
Innit, though.
Does that mean yes?
Right, good. Well, fine.
So, now your turn, Lauren.
Do you take Ryan to be your
lawful wedded husband?
Is it.
And do you promise
not to diss him
as long as he swears on his decks
that he won't call your dad a wino,
or refer to you or
your mum as a pikey?
- Innit, though.
- Good.
Well, now, Lauren and
Ryan, you have both…
Have I finished?
- Well…
- Have I finished, though?
- Have you finished?
- No, I ain't even finished.
Right.
♪ Every night in my dreams
♪ I see you, I feel you
♪ That is how I know you go on
Mate, what are you doing?
♪ Near, far
♪ Wherever you are
♪ I believe that the heart does go on
What you doing, mate?
♪ (SQUEALING) Once more
♪ You open the door
♪ And I know
♪ That the heart does go on ♪
That is well shameful.
What?
You've badly shown yourself
up there, though, innit?
Ain't you gonna sing She's
The One by Robbie Williams?
No, man.
- But I'm the one, though.
- Not any more you ain't.
What do you mean?
- I ain't marrying that.
- What?
What was I thinking?
I can't get married.
I got to concentrate
on me army and stuff.
Jamal, let's chip.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- But he just dumped you at the altar.
- I didn't wanna marry him anyway.
You did, though.
No, I didn't, though.
Marriage is for losers.
But you started singing, mate.
- No, I didn't.
- But you did though.
I was gonna do that anyway.
But you thought you
were Celine Dion.
- Are you calling me a moose?
- No.
But I ain't even
a moose, though.
Are you okay, Lauren?
- What you doing?
- I just wondered if you were okay.
- Who asked you, though?
- I was just…
Who asked you, though?
- Well, I…
- Did I ask your opinion, though?
- Well, no.
- Did I ask your opinion, though?
- Well, no…
- Well, shut up, then.
I beg your pardon.
- You ain't even a real vicar anyway.
- I most certainly am.
They don't let lesbians
become priests.
I beg your pardon.
Did they think you
were a bloke, Father?
I'm not a father,
I'm a reverend.
- Are you a pre-op transsexual?
- No.
- I am not.
- Well, you look like one.
Well, I can assure you I am not.
- Have you had the operation?
- I don't have to put up…
Did they take one off or
are they putting one on?
(STAMMERING) I
suggest you leave!
- Are you Arthur or Martha?
- What?
- Are you Arthur? Then you're Martha.
- No.
- Are you Arthur or Martha?
- No. What?
- Are you Arthur and Martha?
- That is enough!
I am a servant of God, and I believe
in the sacred union of marriage.
You have shown no respect
to me or my calling.
By offending me, you have
offended the Almighty.
God has witnessed this!
Am I bovvered?
- I'm sorry?
- Am I bovvered, though?
- What?
- I ain't bovvered.
- Well…
- Do I look bovvered?
- Well, no, but…
- No, that's 'cause I ain't bovvered.
- Deep down you are.
- (MIMICKING REVEREND) Deep down I ain't.
- Lauren, God sees…
- God, shmod.
- Lauren!
- He ain't bovvered.
- What?
- God ain't bovvered.
Do you think God's bovvered?
I ain't even bovvered.
Ask him if he's bovvered.
Ask God if he's bovvered.
- Ask the Almighty if he's bovvered.
- Look…
He ain't bovvered.
- Go on, ask him if he's bovvered.
- I… This…
- Just…
- Just ask him if he's bovvered!
Are you bovvered, Lord?
See, he ain't even bovvered.
You will go straight to hell.
As long as I don't see you,
I'll have a nice time.
Look, this is absurd.
- Face, bovvered?
- What?
Bovvered, face?
I ain't even bovvered, though.
Face. Lesbian haircut.
I ain't even bovvered.
Look, bovvered, face? Comfortable shoes.
Ain't even bovvered.
- I can't…
- Look, God squad. Face, bovvered?
I ain't bovvered.
I ain't bovvered!
I have never been so
offended in my entire life.
May God forgive you. I certainly
can't, you little fuckwit.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Still ain't bovvered.
So, we've gone for a
run out to Keighley.
- Not the original plan.
- We were going to Bolton Abbey.
But it was shut.
So we thought we'd go
to Keighley instead.
There's nothing there,
but it's close.
- We finally arrive.
- Road works on the A42.
- And we're both starving hungry.
- Well, it's lunchtime by now.
So Ray sees one of these
new sandwich bars.
- What were it called?
- Summat French. Don't ask.
But I say, "How far wrong can
you go with a sandwich?"
Listen to this.
We go up to the counter,
look at the display.
This is unbelievable.
And you'll never guess
what they're selling.
This is off the radar.
What they've got the
cheek to ask money for.
Go on.
A no-bread sandwich.
A sandwich with no bread!
A prawn and avocado
no-bread sandwich.
Prawn and avocado, basically.
This is in Keighley.
The dirty bastards.
They've made a sandwich,
scraped the filling out,
put it in a plastic box, £3.50.
I kid you not.
The dirty, evil,
breadless bastards.
You've got a lot of tension
in your shoulders, there.
Tension, dear, yes, dear.
I think that might have
loosened things up a bit.
Oh, yes, dear, you've
certainly got the touch.
Okay.
I think I'm about done here,
unless there's anything else
I can do for you, Derek.
How do you mean, dear?
I beg pardon?
Yes, I heard that bit.
Well?
How very dare you!
Oh, it's just most of the
gentlemen who come in here
like to finish with a
little, um, relief.
A little relief?
How very, very double dare you!
I'm sorry, Derek, but most of
the gay men do expect extras.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
You mean you're not gay?
Who, dear? Me, dear?
Gay, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man
polishes his shoes
and can describe every hat that
Lesley Judd wore '73 through '78,
you assume he plays
Mamjinks on the man pipes.
I'm so sorry, Derek. I
don't know what to say.
This whole operation
reeks of impertinence.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Any extras? How very dare you!
♪ I tumble out of bed and
I stumble in the kitchen
♪ Pour myself a cup of ambition
♪ And yawn and stretch
and try to come alive
♪ Jump in the shower the
blood starts pumping
♪ Out in the street
the traffic is jumping
♪ With folks like me on
the job from 9:00 to 5:00
BOTH: ♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00
♪ What a way to make a living ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
How was your Michaela's
birthday party?
She had a fantastic time.
Did she ruin it for
everyone else,
or is her attention deficit
disorder under control?
It was a lovely party.
I'm made up for you.
Can I borrow your nice
lime-green highlighter?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls
down at the Gateshead
Softball and Racket Club
are doing a little fundraiser
next Thursday evening.
Another sponsored event.
What's it for this time?
We're scaling the Great North
Wall for all the little folks.
- Oh, right. Which ones?
- Dwarves.
Dwarves? Is that a big
problem in Gateshead?
Did you know that
every 40 minutes
an undersized person gets asked
where his other six mates are?
- I had no idea.
- If you don't believe me,
- How much shall I put you down for?
- Uh…
Actually, I'm a bit
short at the moment.
(STAMMERING) Sorry, look,
I didn't mean it to sound like that.
Aye, that's it. Laugh it up.
I'm really… I'm really sorry.
Here.
Look, uh, there you go.
(SIGHS)
50 pence, is it?
50 pence to scale a
100 foot rock face
for all those little tiddlers who
need steps to go to the toilet?
Dwarves don't really
need charity.
Well, maybe you'd see things differently
if you lived your life like this.
- Babe.
- I know.
Bet you was wondering
where I was, weren't you?
I've been pacing up and
down like a nutter.
- You know what I've done, don't you?
- What you done?
- Missed the bus.
- You never!
On my life, I missed
the first one,
second one was packed,
had to get the third one,
threw me whole schedule
out of kilter,
now I'm bowling up 10 minutes
late like a lunatic.
I tell you, they ought to
write a book about you.
Yeah, but who'd believe it?
You won't believe what's
happened to me today.
What happened, babe?
8:30 this morning, I'm
on me way to work.
- Oh, here we go.
- This is a blinder.
8:30 this morning, I'm
on me way to work…
Did you have something
to eat on the bus?
Always have something to
eat on the bus, don't I?
What'd you have today, babe?
I had a packet of those mini Ryvitas,
only 3% fat, but you wouldn't think it,
'cause they're a tasty
and satisfying snack.
And them adverts Fern
Britton does are hilarious.
Oh, I'll tell you, they are.
They're very, very funny.
I mean, her head on a little
skinny body, that kills me.
She is game, isn't she? Eh?
Course, what I really wanted
was a caramel Magnum,
but they're 350 calories a pop. And
I thought, "Don't do it, Sam",
"'cause you'll only
regret it come Saturday"
"when you can't get into
your skinny jeans."
Good girl.
Having said that, when
I got off the bus,
I caved in and had a
Terry's Chocolate Orange.
Naughty, I know, but you're a
long time dead, ain't you?
Well, you only live the
once, don't you, babe?
So, anyway, I get to work, I get
in the lift, 1 press the button,
get out the lift, I
walk to me desk,
I put me bag on the desk,
put me coat on the desk,
put me Terry's Chocolate
Orange wrapper on the desk,
thought, "Me desk
looks crowded."
So I put me coat on the chair,
take me bag, put it on the floor,
take the Terry's Chocolate Orange
wrapper and put it in the bin.
- What, you've eaten it already?
- Oh, yeah, didn't touch the sides.
- You are a one-off.
- I know.
So, anyway, by this time, I'm
bursting for the toilet.
And I say, "I'm just
going for a wee."
And then Elaine, that new girl, she's
already got her head in a twist,
she pipes up with,
"You and your bladder, you
wanna get that seen to."
- She never!
- Straight up.
She ain't said two words to
anyone since she's been there,
and now she's announcing to the
world I've got a weak bladder.
That's a bit much, innit?
We don't take much notice
of her, to be honest.
She spits when she speaks.
So, anyway, I get to the door,
and then all of a sudden…
(IMITATES MOBILE RINGTONE #1)
And Elaine says, "Ain't
that your mobile?"
And I say, "No, my
mobile don't go…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1)
"My mobile goes…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #2)
And she says, "Well,
whose mobile goes…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1)
And I say, "That's Shona's."
And Shona says, "No,
my mobile don't go…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1 )
"My mobile goes…"
♪ Don't you wish your
girlfriend was hot like me? ♪
So, then Elaine goes,
"Well, whose phone goes…"
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1 )
And we all say, "I dunno!"
Babe, babe.
Your phone does go…
(IMITATES RINGTONE #1 )
No, it don't.
You are mental.
(MOBILE RINGTONE #1 PLAYING)
No!
Uh, Georgie, I'm doing a fundraiser at
Michaela's school to raise awareness…
I couldn't be less interested.
I'm having a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt.
Who wants a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
Chloe, would you like a
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?
Yes, please.
Imogen, Chloe and I are having
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurts.
Would you like a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
Oh, yes, please.
Fergus, Imogen, Chloe and I are going to
have gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.
Would you like a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
Yum-yum.
Thomas, Imogen, Fergus, Chloe and I are
having gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.
Would you like a gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
What's the matter, Thomas?
Don't you like gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt?
I don't know, Mummy.
I've never tried gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurt before.
Well, come on, quick sticks,
would you like to try a
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt?
I think I'll pass, Mummy. I've only
just got my head round hummus.
Everybody, stop!
Put down your gooseberry
and cinnamon yoghurts.
What is it, Mummy?
This yoghurt pot is
dated 9th of May.
But today's the 10th.
That can only mean…
These gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurts
have been out of date for 24 hours.
At least it's low-fat yoghurt.
It doesn't make any
difference, Chloe.
Out-of-date, low-fat yoghurt
can be just as dangerous
as ordinary yoghurt
that fat people eat.
- What can we do?
- We may need to evacuate.
Mrs Taylor-Thomas, I think
it may be too late.
Fergus, what do you mean?
I've already eaten some of the
gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.
Fergus, no!
I'm afraid so. I slurped
some straight from the pot
before the dessert spoons had
even been passed around.
It serves me right for being such
an old greedy gobble gannet.
There must be
something we can do.
There's nothing you can do,
Immy, but save yourselves.
The infected dairy produce is
well into my system by now.
- Fergus!
- Immy, no!
Fergus is right.
We have to get as far away
from him as possible.
Now, come on, children.
Say goodbye to Fergus.
You poor brave
boy, I'm so sorry.
Don't blame yourself,
Mrs Taylor-Thomas.
Tinfoil lids are notoriously
difficult to read.
I'll never forget you, Fergus.
Take my house badge
to remember me by.
Don't touch it!
Perhaps we could sing something.
I'd like that.
♪ And did those feet
♪ In ancient times
♪ Walk upon England's
mountains green
♪ And was the holy lamb of God
♪ On England's
pleasant pastures seen
♪ And did the countenance divine
♪ Shine forth upon
our clouded hills ♪
(CHILDREN'S SHOW
PLAYING ON TELEVISION)
- Do you want a cup of tea, babe?
- Oh, yeah, lovely.
(CRASHING)
Paul!
What, babe?
You won't believe
what's just happened.
- What's happened?
- Found that earring I was looking for.
- Where was it?
- I dunno!
One word.
Sushi
This is in Nagasaki.
The dirty, evil, raw
fish guzzling bastards.
(CACKLING)
- She here, then?
- Yeah.
- She arrived?
- Yeah.
- Plane on time?
- Yeah.
- Got in from the airport?
- Yeah.
- Where is she?
- Who?
- Auntie Junie.
- My sister.
- Yeah.
- From Spain?
- Yeah.
- She's here.
- I know.
- She arrived this morning.
- I know.
- She flew in on an aeroplane.
I know. Where is she?
She's in the fucking kitchen.
What's the matter with you?
(CACKLING)
Here he is.
- Hello, Auntie Junie.
- He's come up and see you.
- You've come up and see me.
- Yeah.
Oh, you are a good boy.
Oh, look you at
you, all grown up.
I remember when you was
just a dinky little thing.
Oh, ain't he handsome?
Oh, ain't he handsome?
I mean, he's gonna
break some hearts.
Have you got a job, darling?
No, I'm at university.
- You're at university?
- Yeah.
- You're at university?
- Yeah.
Fucking poof.
I told you.
(CACKLING)
- Here, June.
- What?
- Have a look at these old pictures.
- Oh!
Do you remember when
that one was taken?
That's Frankie and Nelly
Bassett's wedding.
They went to Great Yarmouth
for their honeymoon.
That's right, and then Frankie
turned over the guest house
and spent the next
four years inside.
(CACKLING)
What, he went to prison?
Oh, yeah. He was in and out
the nick all his life.
But then, they were the first people
in their street to get colour TV,
so you got to weigh
it all up, ain't you?
Look, that's Jimmy Longsocks.
Oh, good old Jim.
- Aw.
- Why was he called Longsocks?
Well, he was a very fastidious man.
He used to hitch his socks
right up over his knees,
and they had to be
exactly the same height
before he slit your throat.
- What?
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
I mean, they were the last
thing people saw before,
"Thank you very much,"
and… That's your lot.
Here. There's Mickey Wallopnuts.
He used to slice people's nuts
off while they was asleep.
Yeah, they wouldn't notice till
they woke up in the morning,
and they'd look down and they
wouldn't have any Charlie Hollocks.
- He was a master craftsman.
- Oh, wasn't he?
Oh, oh, oh! Look!
There's Eddie the Grass.
That must be one of the last
photos they took of him.
Why, what happened?
They chopped him
up piece by piece
and posted him to famous landmarks
in 15 different countries.
Still, he always said he
wanted to see the world.
Yeah, but not all at once.
(BOTH CACKLING)
- Who's that with you there, Junie?
- Oh, that's Johnny Clownface.
Ah, Clownface was a
criminal as well, was he?
No. He was a children's
entertainer.
Really?
No, he did kill people.
Nan, that's terrible.
Oh, look, it was different
years ago, son.
I mean, yes, they boiled people
alive in vats of burning oil.
Yes, they sent people to their
death in concrete slippers.
Yes, they'd cut your head off for
eating one of their biscuits.
But they were very
good to their mothers,
and you could leave your
back-door wide open.
Not that you'd want to with
that fucking mob running about.
Look, there's Tommy the Nostril.
- Very keen sense of smell.
- Yeah.
- There's Ronnie the Cardigan.
- Oh, he liked a nice bit of knitwear.
There's Dicky Bow, you
could take him anywhere.
- And Johnny One Leg.
- Always hopping.
- Junie!
- What?
- I can't believe this.
- What?
- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- What are you going on about?
Oh, I don't know what's the
matter with him. He never stops.
- He's not lost for a bunny, is he?
- Oh, he gives me ear ache.
It's just rabbit, rabbit,
rabbit all day fucking long.
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
♪ You got a beautiful chin
♪ You got beautiful skin
♪ You got a beautiful face
♪ You got taste
♪ You got beautiful eyes
♪ He's got beautiful thighs!
Now, I don't mind having a chat.
- No, you like it.
- I like that.
But you have to keep
giving it back!
♪ 'Cause you won't stop talking
♪ Why don't you give it a rest?
♪ Yeah, June
♪ You've got more
rabbit than Sainsbury's
♪ It's time you got
it off your chest
(WHOOPING)
Go on, love!
♪ Now, you were just the kind
of boy to break my heart in two
♪ I knew that right off when I
first clapped me eyes on you
♪ But how was I to know
you'd have me ear holes, too
♪ With your excessive talking?
♪ You're becoming a pest
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
♪ Yip-yap. Yip-yap, bunny, bunny,
bunny jabber, jabber, jabber
♪ Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
bunny, bunny, bunny
♪ jabber, jabber, jabber
rabbit, rabbit, rabbit ♪