The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
♪ Hell is gone and heaven's here
There's nothing left for us to fear
♪ Shake your arse, come over here
Now scream!
♪ I'm a burning effigy
of everything I used to be
♪ You're my rock of empathy, my dear
♪ So come on
BOTH: ♪ Let me entertain you ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend, pet?
- Oh, it was lovely, thank you.
Michaela had her school
diving competition.
Did she sink like a stone
to the bottom of the pool,
or is her childhood
obesity under control?
Actually, she won first prize.
Hey, I'm that pleased for you.
Can I borrow your nice
solar-powered calculator?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down
at the Jarrow Quaker jazz Club
- are doing a little sponsored event.
- Oh, what's this one for?
We're treading water through the
night in the Great North Canal
for all the little alcoholics in
Jarrow and its surrounding environs.
- Oh, that is a big problem, isn't it?
- Aye, it is.
Did you know that
every 38 minutes
an otherwise upstanding
member of the community
pops out to buy a newspaper,
and rolls back a week later
stark-bollock naked
and covered in tattoos?
Every 38 minutes?
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website,
/haveitoldyouifuckingloveyou.
- How much shall I put you down for?
- Let's say 20p an hour.
£2.40 to spend 12 hours bobbing up
and down in a freezing cold canal
full of dead fish,
condoms and shite?
In that case, I'll up
it to 30p an hour.
£3.60
for all those brave
little single mams
who cannae afford to
feed their family,
'cause they've spunked the
housekeeping on Diamond White?
Okay, 35p an hour.
I don't think I've got your
full attention, Martin.
Consider, if you will,
all those poor little dads
who turn up to parents'
evening completely twatted
and end up dancing
on the desk tops
shouting, "Oi, Mr Roberts,
look at my knob!"
I'm sorry, Georgie,
it's all I can afford.
£4.20 it is, then.
- It's just that I've…
- Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want
it to come between us.
It really makes you think
though, doesn't it?
(SNIFFING)
Have you been drinking, Martin?
Kramer, yeah. Jesus.
Okay, what time?
0800.
- David, what is it?
- They've hijacked the plane.
We got 20 minutes to inform
the Chiefs of Staff.
Chloe, can you get in here?
I'm gonna need you to
send out an urgent email.
This is too sensitive,
David, she's not code red.
Scratch that, Chloe,
I'll do this myself.
Thank you. It's good to
have the British with us.
Okay, to all the
Chiefs of Staff.
At 0400 hours this morning,
a Unified Union airliner
heading from Jakarta to Washington
was seized by terrorists.
They're demanding
that we start to release
all political prisoners
by 0800 hours,
by which time, the plane
will be over Houston.
If we do not acquiesce
to these demands,
they will explode the aircraft
over the city centre.
This is clearly a matter
of the utmost urgency.
- Oh.
- What is it?
- Oh, there's no "J" on this.
- What?
No… No "J".
Oh, no, there it is.
Jakarta.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Mother's in there, Tonia,
won't be two ticks.
Lock's wonky so I'm
keeping Dixie.
Wasn't it a lovely
wedding, Uncle Derek?
And as for Naomi's frock,
dear, a symphony in cream.
I wept when I saw
those page boys.
Not everyone can carry
off the Munchkin look,
but they did her proud.
Wonder who'll be married
next in the family.
Could be you, Tonia. You
still courting that Darren?
It'll be two years in June. No
signs of a ring yet, though.
Hey, it might be you
and Uncle Leonard.
I beg pardon.
You and Uncle Leonard, you can now,
one of those civil partnerships.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
I'm just saying that
you and Uncle Leonard
could have a gay wedding.
Gay wedding?
- Yes, I just thought it might…
- How very dare you!
- I've never heard the likes.
- I'm sorry.
Uncle Derek, are you not…
Gay, dear? Who, dear?
Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man
minds his p's and q's
and isn't all at sea
with a mascara wand,
you assume he travels up
the chocolate escalator.
- I didn't mean to upset you.
- Twenty-five years Mother and I
have been putting money in
a Christmas card for you,
and this is the thanks we get?
Marry a man?
Marry a man?
How very, very dare you!
And I'd avoid a calf-length skirt
in future if I were you, dear.
Your ankles are too puffy.
Mother, I'll be in the bar.
(YMCA PLAYING ON STEREO)
And I'd just like to remind you
that on Bank Holiday Monday
it's our annual ramble through
the local countryside.
The Orange Walk, as
we like to call it.
And, no, you don't
need to worry.
As usual, every
precaution has been taken
to ensure that we avoid
normal members of the public.
- Something wrong, Sandra?
- I'm sorry, Rita.
It's not that I'm not
grateful, 'cause I am.
But I can't live
like this any more.
I'm leaving Russet Lodge.
(ALL GASP)
You can't, Sandra.
Society's not ready.
- Well, I am.
- But, Sandra…
I am not creeping around the
countryside avoiding normal people.
I'm not sweeping myself under the
carpet like some kind of leper,
and I am not ending
up like that.
So, what happened, Linda?
Did you have to hack at it yourself
with an old pair of kitchen scissors
because the hairdressers
couldn't fit you in?
Yeah.
You've as much right to a
salon finish as anyone else.
I like your fringe, Jenny.
But what's under the hat?
Jenny's new, Sandra.
That's not fair.
Is this fair?
Enforced segregation,
hours of basket weaving,
with nothing to look forward
to but a self-esteem workshop
with Mick Hucknall.
Ask yourselves, is that fair?
Well, not for me.
I wanna go out there and hold my
red head up high, and I will.
I know what I am.
I am ginger.
Ask yourselves. What are you?
Right.
I am ginger.
I am ginger.
I am ginger.
MAN: I am ginger.
ALL: I am ginger. I am ginger.
ALL: I am ginger. I am ginger.
- Rita.
- I…
I can't.
Traffic came to a standstill
here in Central London
when a group of civil rights
protesters scaled up onto the roof
of a government building
to highlight the inequality
they believe they suffer at the
hands of an unfair society.
Gingers for justice!
Gingers for justice!
And in parliament today,
Prime Minister's question
time was interrupted
when a condom full of orange
powder was thrown at Tony Blair
during a discussion on the gingist
attacks in South East London.
It was later discovered that members of
the pressure group Gingers for justice
had infiltrated the House of Commons
dressed as ginger nut biscuits.
Come on, you reds!
ALL: Come on, you reds!
- Give me a "".G
- "G."
- Give me an 'I".
- "I."
- Sandra.
- What is it, Linda?
It's quite sunny up here,
I'm getting burnt.
We're fighting for liberation,
a few extra freckles
is a small price to pay.
Are you sure we're doing
the right thing, though?
Don't let yourselves down now.
Remember, be a ginger,
not a whinger.
Maybe Rita was right, maybe
we do belong in Russet Lodge.
Maybe that's all we
have a right to expect.
Don't desert me now.
We made our point.
Can we go back down?
Everyone stay right
where you are.
The ginger nut is here. This
fight has only just begun!
- Rita.
- Sandra.
- I knew you wouldn't let us down.
- Come on, everyone.
There's sandwiches and bottles
of sun block in the bag.
It's time to stand
and be counted.
- Gingers for justice!
- Gingers for justice!
Gingers for justice!
Sorry, I'm late.
- You came.
- Of course.
Gingers for justice!
ALL: Gingers for justice!
ALL: Gingers for justice!
And it looks like the
protesters are here to stay.
It could be a long night
for the police force.
This is Gargy Patel
in Central London
reporting for News London.
The communication has been
set up with the terrorists.
The code word we have
agreed upon is Afghan Cave.
It is imperative that any communication
with them is preceded by the words
Afghan Cave, otherwise
they will not respond.
Hmm.
How do you make it do that
thing where it goes back?
Morning, Neville. My
nerves are in bits.
- Tough morning?
- Oh, I'll say.
Who was it we had here
this morning, Vern?
You'd know them, Neville. Two
blonde, one dark, one mousy.
- Not the Chapman twins?
- No.
There's four of them.
Funny accents.
- Like a singsong.
- Can't think.
- Abba.
- Oh, right.
Four bigger chavs you never have met.
Tell him what they had, Vern.
Double jumbo sausage
with curry sauce.
- Big eaters, then?
- Oh, not much.
Agnetha shoved hers down in one.
So, what were they doing
around here, then?
Been to look at them show
homes on Orpington Crescent.
They wanna look at them new
apartments by the flyover.
Much more reasonable.
Couldn't be bothered pointing
it out to them, Neville.
I didn't take to them.
But then, I always preferred
Brotherhood of Man.
They made some lovely 45s.
What did Abba do? Song about
a bloody train station.
- Onions, my lover?
- Yes, please.
And then they all pile back into
their camper van and drive off.
- Good riddance.
- That's what Vern said.
But then Benny reverses right
back up to the counter
- and it all kicked off big stylie.
- Oh, yeah?
I've got Agnetha mooning
out of the window,
Frida waggling her sausage
in a most unsavoury fashion,
and Bjorn in the front licking
curry off his jumpsuit.
They wouldn't do that
on Top of The Pops.
- Any sauce?
- No, thanks.
- Can I settle up with you on Friday?
- Of course you can, Neville.
See you tomorrow.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
And he's coming here to the house?
No, that's fine.
I mean, actually here?
No, I'm fine.
Right, a bientôt.
I'm afraid I've got
some bad news.
The Land Rover Voyager
has gone in for repair.
But, Mummy, how shall
we get to school?
- Try not to panic.
- But it's home economics today,
and I'm presenting my scallops
wrapped in Bavarian veal.
- I'm afraid the news gets worse.
- But how?
We're going to have
to have a hire car.
Hire car? You mean a car that
other people have been in?
It's being delivered by
a man from the garage.
- Do you mean a…
- Yes, darling.
A mechanic.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Morning, darling. I'm from the garage.
I got your courtesy car.
Mummy, what is he saying?
- We mean you no harm.
- Are you all right, love?
I'm sorry. I don't understand
what you're saying.
Please put the keys on the
floor and leave us in peace.
- You what?
- Have mercy on us!
- Do what, love?
- Please don't kill us!
Here, look, I'll leave them here.
You take it or leave it, all right?
There's no DVD in the back seat.
And there's no bull
bar on the front.
What if we have to go off-road
or to Highgate Village?
It's a death trap.
I'll call Daddy.
We'll have to cancel school for today.
Now run for your lives, children!
We're all going to die!
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
No deal, Noel. No deal.
Bernie, what are you doing?
Sorry, Sister. I was just having
a little bit of a breather.
- Are you eating crisps?
- Oh, where are my manners?
- Would you like a spring and onion?
- No, I wouldn't.
Well, that's just as well,
'cause these are prawn cocktail.
- Put them away and get back to work.
- Sorry, Sister.
- Bernie, did you write these notes?
- Yes, Sister.
- All up to date as requested.
- Why have you written,
"Her nu-nu has come up
like a grapefruit"?
Right, well, I can explain.
I spilt some tea on it.
See, I had a mad night on
the sauce Tuesday night.
Come Wednesday morning, I was still
a bit shaky on the tea round
and I scalded her nu-nu.
So, these are your
medical notes,
"Her nu-nu has come up
like a grapefruit"?
It's even bigger than that now.
You want to see it. It's like one
of those really big Easter eggs.
Plus, she's a nylon nightie, and
I think it's aggravated it.
But why have you
called it her nu-nu?
'Cause that's its name.
- Do you mean vagina, Bernie?
- No, see, no.
No, I hate that word, Sister. I
can't bring meself to say it.
See, me sister's called Virginia
and I often get the two confused.
I had a necklace made for her when
she was eight with her name on it,
but it wasn't her name,
it was the other thing.
And, well, you can imagine
it all got rather ugly, Sister.
I daren't tell you what
happened with our Clint.
So, instead you now say nu-nu?
As I say to the blokes down
the pub I don't fancy,
"Nu-nu says no-no."
Actually, I very
rarely say that.
I have said it to
Miss McFerry, though,
'cause she's the look of a
lezzer, don't you think?
Bernie, you're not going to get
very far in this profession
if you're unable to use
correct medical terminology.
Frankly, I'm amazed. Usually
you've got a mouth like a sewer.
And the morals of
a slut, I know.
I guess I'm just a quivering
mass of contradictions, Sister,
if you follow me mean.
Bernie, what does this mean?
"Slight blistering to spaniels."
That's my fault again, it
was the same tea round.
- I have apologised.
- Spaniels?
Spaniel's ears. You
know, babylonias.
She's a real hefty
set on her as well,
it's difficult not to
spill stuff on them.
Do you mean breasts, Bernie?
Jesus, Sister, the mouth on you.
What are you like?
These are medical terms, Bernie, and
you are a medical professional.
I know.
I expect you to use correct terminology
and to behave in a fitting manner.
After all, this is a
hospital, not a playground.
I will not tolerate any more
of this inappropriate slang.
I understand, Sister.
Thank you for giving me a second chance,
and I won't let you down again.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've to
go to the high-dependency ward
to check on Mr Chang's
swollen goolies.
What?
Honest to God, you should
see the size of them.
One is big and bloated, the other
one's small and shrivelled.
- They look like Laurel and Hardy.
- Bernie!
Frankly, though, that's
the least of his worries.
You should see the state
of his rancid little cock.
Jesus. We have only five
minutes till they blow it.
- Well, come on, then.
- Okay.
There are three other prisoners
that the kidnappers are
demanding that be released.
The first is a man called Ahmed
Farhan of Jordanian descent.
- The second, Faisal Alam.
- Now…
You know when the
NUM lock is on,
is it only numbers that you get?
So, in preparation for next week's exam,
I think it's best we do a little test
on the periodic
table of elements.
Lauren. Lauren.
Lauren!
ALL: All right?
- Just Lauren.
- All right.
What on earth do you
think you're doing?
(TSKS)
You were talking
to Ryan and Lis.
- They're my brethren, though, innit?
- Whilst I was speaking.
So?
If you've got something to say, Lauren,
why don't you tell the whole class?
I ain't chatting to this crew.
Then perhaps you'd better complete
this little test on your own.
See if you like speaking to
the whole class after that.
Whatever.
Okay. Right, I'm gonna point out
some of these symbols on this table,
and you're gonna tell
me what they represent.
And if you don't complete this
test with 100% correct answers,
I'm gonna put you on detention.
- Is it?
- Yes, it is.
- What does "Zn" stand for?
- Zinc.
Correct. What about "Ca"?
Calcium.
What does "B" stand for?
- What?
- What is "B" for?
"B" is for Boron.
- Correct.
- Innit, though?
- "Mi."
- Am I bovvered?
- Lauren, "Mi".
- Am I bovvered, though?
- "Ru."
- Are you disrespecting me?
- "Ru", Lauren.
- Yes, I am.
- Are you a geek?
- Lauren, "".U
You is a geek, though.
I am warning you. "Ba."
- But are you a geek, though?
- No, Lauren.
- You are a geek, though.
- No, I'm not.
- You dress like one, though.
- No, I do not.
Do you buy your clothes
from a catalogue?
No.
- Do you pay for them in instalments?
- No.
Have your jeans got
an elasticated waist?
- No.
- You got a reversible fleece?
Right.
You got a reversible fleece, sir.
You are a geek.
No, I'm not a geek, okay?
I am a science teacher.
- Are you Stephen Hawkings?
- No.
- But are you Stephen Hawkings, though?
- No.
- Do you wish you were Stephen Hawkings?
- No.
When you're at home, right?
When you're at home, right?
- Yes.
- Right, when you're at home.
- Do you pretend to be Stephen Hawkings?
- No.
- Got a funny little voice box?
- No.
Do you bowl about
in a little wheelchair?
Now, that is unacceptable.
- Well, stop doing it, then.
- Right, now, that's…
That is enough, okay?
You're lucky I'm one of the more
reasonable teachers in this school,
otherwise you would be
in a lot of trouble.
As it is, I'm gonna give
you a second chance.
- "F." No.
- Face.
Bovvered? Face, look, bovvered?
- Ain't even bovvered, though.
- Come on.
Think I'm bovvered? Look at my face. I
ain't even bovvered. Look at my face.
Periodic table. I
ain't even bovvered.
Look at my face, though. Are
you looking at my face?
Face, bovvered? Boron, Bunsen burner.
Ain't even bovvered.
- I am trying…
- Socks with sandals.
Albert Einstein. Ain't even bovvered.
Stephen Hawkings.
(IMITATES ELECTRONIC VOICE)
I ain't bovvered.
Am I bovvered, though? Do
you think I'm bovvered?
Look, face, bovvered? Bunsen burner. Do
you go hiking? I ain't even bovvered.
- Stop.
- I ain't bovvered!
Right, that's it, young lady.
I cannot continue this
lesson with you in here.
I have given you
plenty of warning.
I would like you to collect
your things and leave.
And don't say another word!
I'm sorry about that, class.
Now, anyone else?
- "Mg."
- Magnesium, innit?
The organisation we're
dealing with is serious
and will carry out
these threats.
I advise you to consider Option Red.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Special Agent David Pratner.
Send it.
- I just hope we're not too late.
- Now, where would that have gone?
Maybe in that little bin thing.
Oh. It seems to have gone.
- You mean it's sent?
- No.
I mean it's gone.
- What?
- Oh, no, it's come back again.
Oh, it's gone all together now.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Yeah.
Did you know
you can use different fonts?
- Sandra?
- Don't say anything.
- I've bought you some clothes.
- Sorry.
- What for?
- You were right all along.
I should've listened
to you, but I didn't.
I had a dream. The dream's over.
I thought I could change the world.
What was I thinking?
Too much time on my pale, freckly
hands, that's my problem.
Sit down.
The dream's not over.
Things are changing.
Not from where I'm sitting.
Out there, right now,
people are quite literally
painting the town red.
- How do you mean?
- In response to the protest,
gingers everywhere are
coming out of their houses,
hatless and proud.
I can't believe it.
Restrictions have been
lifted in sandwich bars.
Sandra, we're
handling food again.
Finally people are beginning
to take us seriously.
And I've just spoken to Jenny,
she's in the hairdressers,
and someone has just asked
for auburn highlights.
- The fight's over.
- Oh, Rita.
The future's bright, Sandra.
The future's…
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You're free to leave, Sandra.
Well done.
- Come on, you. We're late.
- What for?
The people who made
Calendar Girls
are making a movie about
Gingers for justice.
There's talk of Rula Lenska playing me.
We're meeting her at 12:00.
- Oh, Rita, me head's spinning.
- We're on our way.
Rita, wait. Who's playing me?
Bonnie Langford.
There's nothing left for us to fear
♪ Shake your arse, come over here
Now scream!
♪ I'm a burning effigy
of everything I used to be
♪ You're my rock of empathy, my dear
♪ So come on
BOTH: ♪ Let me entertain you ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend, pet?
- Oh, it was lovely, thank you.
Michaela had her school
diving competition.
Did she sink like a stone
to the bottom of the pool,
or is her childhood
obesity under control?
Actually, she won first prize.
Hey, I'm that pleased for you.
Can I borrow your nice
solar-powered calculator?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down
at the Jarrow Quaker jazz Club
- are doing a little sponsored event.
- Oh, what's this one for?
We're treading water through the
night in the Great North Canal
for all the little alcoholics in
Jarrow and its surrounding environs.
- Oh, that is a big problem, isn't it?
- Aye, it is.
Did you know that
every 38 minutes
an otherwise upstanding
member of the community
pops out to buy a newspaper,
and rolls back a week later
stark-bollock naked
and covered in tattoos?
Every 38 minutes?
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website,
/haveitoldyouifuckingloveyou.
- How much shall I put you down for?
- Let's say 20p an hour.
£2.40 to spend 12 hours bobbing up
and down in a freezing cold canal
full of dead fish,
condoms and shite?
In that case, I'll up
it to 30p an hour.
£3.60
for all those brave
little single mams
who cannae afford to
feed their family,
'cause they've spunked the
housekeeping on Diamond White?
Okay, 35p an hour.
I don't think I've got your
full attention, Martin.
Consider, if you will,
all those poor little dads
who turn up to parents'
evening completely twatted
and end up dancing
on the desk tops
shouting, "Oi, Mr Roberts,
look at my knob!"
I'm sorry, Georgie,
it's all I can afford.
£4.20 it is, then.
- It's just that I've…
- Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want
it to come between us.
It really makes you think
though, doesn't it?
(SNIFFING)
Have you been drinking, Martin?
Kramer, yeah. Jesus.
Okay, what time?
0800.
- David, what is it?
- They've hijacked the plane.
We got 20 minutes to inform
the Chiefs of Staff.
Chloe, can you get in here?
I'm gonna need you to
send out an urgent email.
This is too sensitive,
David, she's not code red.
Scratch that, Chloe,
I'll do this myself.
Thank you. It's good to
have the British with us.
Okay, to all the
Chiefs of Staff.
At 0400 hours this morning,
a Unified Union airliner
heading from Jakarta to Washington
was seized by terrorists.
They're demanding
that we start to release
all political prisoners
by 0800 hours,
by which time, the plane
will be over Houston.
If we do not acquiesce
to these demands,
they will explode the aircraft
over the city centre.
This is clearly a matter
of the utmost urgency.
- Oh.
- What is it?
- Oh, there's no "J" on this.
- What?
No… No "J".
Oh, no, there it is.
Jakarta.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Mother's in there, Tonia,
won't be two ticks.
Lock's wonky so I'm
keeping Dixie.
Wasn't it a lovely
wedding, Uncle Derek?
And as for Naomi's frock,
dear, a symphony in cream.
I wept when I saw
those page boys.
Not everyone can carry
off the Munchkin look,
but they did her proud.
Wonder who'll be married
next in the family.
Could be you, Tonia. You
still courting that Darren?
It'll be two years in June. No
signs of a ring yet, though.
Hey, it might be you
and Uncle Leonard.
I beg pardon.
You and Uncle Leonard, you can now,
one of those civil partnerships.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
I'm just saying that
you and Uncle Leonard
could have a gay wedding.
Gay wedding?
- Yes, I just thought it might…
- How very dare you!
- I've never heard the likes.
- I'm sorry.
Uncle Derek, are you not…
Gay, dear? Who, dear?
Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man
minds his p's and q's
and isn't all at sea
with a mascara wand,
you assume he travels up
the chocolate escalator.
- I didn't mean to upset you.
- Twenty-five years Mother and I
have been putting money in
a Christmas card for you,
and this is the thanks we get?
Marry a man?
Marry a man?
How very, very dare you!
And I'd avoid a calf-length skirt
in future if I were you, dear.
Your ankles are too puffy.
Mother, I'll be in the bar.
(YMCA PLAYING ON STEREO)
And I'd just like to remind you
that on Bank Holiday Monday
it's our annual ramble through
the local countryside.
The Orange Walk, as
we like to call it.
And, no, you don't
need to worry.
As usual, every
precaution has been taken
to ensure that we avoid
normal members of the public.
- Something wrong, Sandra?
- I'm sorry, Rita.
It's not that I'm not
grateful, 'cause I am.
But I can't live
like this any more.
I'm leaving Russet Lodge.
(ALL GASP)
You can't, Sandra.
Society's not ready.
- Well, I am.
- But, Sandra…
I am not creeping around the
countryside avoiding normal people.
I'm not sweeping myself under the
carpet like some kind of leper,
and I am not ending
up like that.
So, what happened, Linda?
Did you have to hack at it yourself
with an old pair of kitchen scissors
because the hairdressers
couldn't fit you in?
Yeah.
You've as much right to a
salon finish as anyone else.
I like your fringe, Jenny.
But what's under the hat?
Jenny's new, Sandra.
That's not fair.
Is this fair?
Enforced segregation,
hours of basket weaving,
with nothing to look forward
to but a self-esteem workshop
with Mick Hucknall.
Ask yourselves, is that fair?
Well, not for me.
I wanna go out there and hold my
red head up high, and I will.
I know what I am.
I am ginger.
Ask yourselves. What are you?
Right.
I am ginger.
I am ginger.
I am ginger.
MAN: I am ginger.
ALL: I am ginger. I am ginger.
ALL: I am ginger. I am ginger.
- Rita.
- I…
I can't.
Traffic came to a standstill
here in Central London
when a group of civil rights
protesters scaled up onto the roof
of a government building
to highlight the inequality
they believe they suffer at the
hands of an unfair society.
Gingers for justice!
Gingers for justice!
And in parliament today,
Prime Minister's question
time was interrupted
when a condom full of orange
powder was thrown at Tony Blair
during a discussion on the gingist
attacks in South East London.
It was later discovered that members of
the pressure group Gingers for justice
had infiltrated the House of Commons
dressed as ginger nut biscuits.
Come on, you reds!
ALL: Come on, you reds!
- Give me a "".G
- "G."
- Give me an 'I".
- "I."
- Sandra.
- What is it, Linda?
It's quite sunny up here,
I'm getting burnt.
We're fighting for liberation,
a few extra freckles
is a small price to pay.
Are you sure we're doing
the right thing, though?
Don't let yourselves down now.
Remember, be a ginger,
not a whinger.
Maybe Rita was right, maybe
we do belong in Russet Lodge.
Maybe that's all we
have a right to expect.
Don't desert me now.
We made our point.
Can we go back down?
Everyone stay right
where you are.
The ginger nut is here. This
fight has only just begun!
- Rita.
- Sandra.
- I knew you wouldn't let us down.
- Come on, everyone.
There's sandwiches and bottles
of sun block in the bag.
It's time to stand
and be counted.
- Gingers for justice!
- Gingers for justice!
Gingers for justice!
Sorry, I'm late.
- You came.
- Of course.
Gingers for justice!
ALL: Gingers for justice!
ALL: Gingers for justice!
And it looks like the
protesters are here to stay.
It could be a long night
for the police force.
This is Gargy Patel
in Central London
reporting for News London.
The communication has been
set up with the terrorists.
The code word we have
agreed upon is Afghan Cave.
It is imperative that any communication
with them is preceded by the words
Afghan Cave, otherwise
they will not respond.
Hmm.
How do you make it do that
thing where it goes back?
Morning, Neville. My
nerves are in bits.
- Tough morning?
- Oh, I'll say.
Who was it we had here
this morning, Vern?
You'd know them, Neville. Two
blonde, one dark, one mousy.
- Not the Chapman twins?
- No.
There's four of them.
Funny accents.
- Like a singsong.
- Can't think.
- Abba.
- Oh, right.
Four bigger chavs you never have met.
Tell him what they had, Vern.
Double jumbo sausage
with curry sauce.
- Big eaters, then?
- Oh, not much.
Agnetha shoved hers down in one.
So, what were they doing
around here, then?
Been to look at them show
homes on Orpington Crescent.
They wanna look at them new
apartments by the flyover.
Much more reasonable.
Couldn't be bothered pointing
it out to them, Neville.
I didn't take to them.
But then, I always preferred
Brotherhood of Man.
They made some lovely 45s.
What did Abba do? Song about
a bloody train station.
- Onions, my lover?
- Yes, please.
And then they all pile back into
their camper van and drive off.
- Good riddance.
- That's what Vern said.
But then Benny reverses right
back up to the counter
- and it all kicked off big stylie.
- Oh, yeah?
I've got Agnetha mooning
out of the window,
Frida waggling her sausage
in a most unsavoury fashion,
and Bjorn in the front licking
curry off his jumpsuit.
They wouldn't do that
on Top of The Pops.
- Any sauce?
- No, thanks.
- Can I settle up with you on Friday?
- Of course you can, Neville.
See you tomorrow.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
And he's coming here to the house?
No, that's fine.
I mean, actually here?
No, I'm fine.
Right, a bientôt.
I'm afraid I've got
some bad news.
The Land Rover Voyager
has gone in for repair.
But, Mummy, how shall
we get to school?
- Try not to panic.
- But it's home economics today,
and I'm presenting my scallops
wrapped in Bavarian veal.
- I'm afraid the news gets worse.
- But how?
We're going to have
to have a hire car.
Hire car? You mean a car that
other people have been in?
It's being delivered by
a man from the garage.
- Do you mean a…
- Yes, darling.
A mechanic.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Morning, darling. I'm from the garage.
I got your courtesy car.
Mummy, what is he saying?
- We mean you no harm.
- Are you all right, love?
I'm sorry. I don't understand
what you're saying.
Please put the keys on the
floor and leave us in peace.
- You what?
- Have mercy on us!
- Do what, love?
- Please don't kill us!
Here, look, I'll leave them here.
You take it or leave it, all right?
There's no DVD in the back seat.
And there's no bull
bar on the front.
What if we have to go off-road
or to Highgate Village?
It's a death trap.
I'll call Daddy.
We'll have to cancel school for today.
Now run for your lives, children!
We're all going to die!
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
No deal, Noel. No deal.
Bernie, what are you doing?
Sorry, Sister. I was just having
a little bit of a breather.
- Are you eating crisps?
- Oh, where are my manners?
- Would you like a spring and onion?
- No, I wouldn't.
Well, that's just as well,
'cause these are prawn cocktail.
- Put them away and get back to work.
- Sorry, Sister.
- Bernie, did you write these notes?
- Yes, Sister.
- All up to date as requested.
- Why have you written,
"Her nu-nu has come up
like a grapefruit"?
Right, well, I can explain.
I spilt some tea on it.
See, I had a mad night on
the sauce Tuesday night.
Come Wednesday morning, I was still
a bit shaky on the tea round
and I scalded her nu-nu.
So, these are your
medical notes,
"Her nu-nu has come up
like a grapefruit"?
It's even bigger than that now.
You want to see it. It's like one
of those really big Easter eggs.
Plus, she's a nylon nightie, and
I think it's aggravated it.
But why have you
called it her nu-nu?
'Cause that's its name.
- Do you mean vagina, Bernie?
- No, see, no.
No, I hate that word, Sister. I
can't bring meself to say it.
See, me sister's called Virginia
and I often get the two confused.
I had a necklace made for her when
she was eight with her name on it,
but it wasn't her name,
it was the other thing.
And, well, you can imagine
it all got rather ugly, Sister.
I daren't tell you what
happened with our Clint.
So, instead you now say nu-nu?
As I say to the blokes down
the pub I don't fancy,
"Nu-nu says no-no."
Actually, I very
rarely say that.
I have said it to
Miss McFerry, though,
'cause she's the look of a
lezzer, don't you think?
Bernie, you're not going to get
very far in this profession
if you're unable to use
correct medical terminology.
Frankly, I'm amazed. Usually
you've got a mouth like a sewer.
And the morals of
a slut, I know.
I guess I'm just a quivering
mass of contradictions, Sister,
if you follow me mean.
Bernie, what does this mean?
"Slight blistering to spaniels."
That's my fault again, it
was the same tea round.
- I have apologised.
- Spaniels?
Spaniel's ears. You
know, babylonias.
She's a real hefty
set on her as well,
it's difficult not to
spill stuff on them.
Do you mean breasts, Bernie?
Jesus, Sister, the mouth on you.
What are you like?
These are medical terms, Bernie, and
you are a medical professional.
I know.
I expect you to use correct terminology
and to behave in a fitting manner.
After all, this is a
hospital, not a playground.
I will not tolerate any more
of this inappropriate slang.
I understand, Sister.
Thank you for giving me a second chance,
and I won't let you down again.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've to
go to the high-dependency ward
to check on Mr Chang's
swollen goolies.
What?
Honest to God, you should
see the size of them.
One is big and bloated, the other
one's small and shrivelled.
- They look like Laurel and Hardy.
- Bernie!
Frankly, though, that's
the least of his worries.
You should see the state
of his rancid little cock.
Jesus. We have only five
minutes till they blow it.
- Well, come on, then.
- Okay.
There are three other prisoners
that the kidnappers are
demanding that be released.
The first is a man called Ahmed
Farhan of Jordanian descent.
- The second, Faisal Alam.
- Now…
You know when the
NUM lock is on,
is it only numbers that you get?
So, in preparation for next week's exam,
I think it's best we do a little test
on the periodic
table of elements.
Lauren. Lauren.
Lauren!
ALL: All right?
- Just Lauren.
- All right.
What on earth do you
think you're doing?
(TSKS)
You were talking
to Ryan and Lis.
- They're my brethren, though, innit?
- Whilst I was speaking.
So?
If you've got something to say, Lauren,
why don't you tell the whole class?
I ain't chatting to this crew.
Then perhaps you'd better complete
this little test on your own.
See if you like speaking to
the whole class after that.
Whatever.
Okay. Right, I'm gonna point out
some of these symbols on this table,
and you're gonna tell
me what they represent.
And if you don't complete this
test with 100% correct answers,
I'm gonna put you on detention.
- Is it?
- Yes, it is.
- What does "Zn" stand for?
- Zinc.
Correct. What about "Ca"?
Calcium.
What does "B" stand for?
- What?
- What is "B" for?
"B" is for Boron.
- Correct.
- Innit, though?
- "Mi."
- Am I bovvered?
- Lauren, "Mi".
- Am I bovvered, though?
- "Ru."
- Are you disrespecting me?
- "Ru", Lauren.
- Yes, I am.
- Are you a geek?
- Lauren, "".U
You is a geek, though.
I am warning you. "Ba."
- But are you a geek, though?
- No, Lauren.
- You are a geek, though.
- No, I'm not.
- You dress like one, though.
- No, I do not.
Do you buy your clothes
from a catalogue?
No.
- Do you pay for them in instalments?
- No.
Have your jeans got
an elasticated waist?
- No.
- You got a reversible fleece?
Right.
You got a reversible fleece, sir.
You are a geek.
No, I'm not a geek, okay?
I am a science teacher.
- Are you Stephen Hawkings?
- No.
- But are you Stephen Hawkings, though?
- No.
- Do you wish you were Stephen Hawkings?
- No.
When you're at home, right?
When you're at home, right?
- Yes.
- Right, when you're at home.
- Do you pretend to be Stephen Hawkings?
- No.
- Got a funny little voice box?
- No.
Do you bowl about
in a little wheelchair?
Now, that is unacceptable.
- Well, stop doing it, then.
- Right, now, that's…
That is enough, okay?
You're lucky I'm one of the more
reasonable teachers in this school,
otherwise you would be
in a lot of trouble.
As it is, I'm gonna give
you a second chance.
- "F." No.
- Face.
Bovvered? Face, look, bovvered?
- Ain't even bovvered, though.
- Come on.
Think I'm bovvered? Look at my face. I
ain't even bovvered. Look at my face.
Periodic table. I
ain't even bovvered.
Look at my face, though. Are
you looking at my face?
Face, bovvered? Boron, Bunsen burner.
Ain't even bovvered.
- I am trying…
- Socks with sandals.
Albert Einstein. Ain't even bovvered.
Stephen Hawkings.
(IMITATES ELECTRONIC VOICE)
I ain't bovvered.
Am I bovvered, though? Do
you think I'm bovvered?
Look, face, bovvered? Bunsen burner. Do
you go hiking? I ain't even bovvered.
- Stop.
- I ain't bovvered!
Right, that's it, young lady.
I cannot continue this
lesson with you in here.
I have given you
plenty of warning.
I would like you to collect
your things and leave.
And don't say another word!
I'm sorry about that, class.
Now, anyone else?
- "Mg."
- Magnesium, innit?
The organisation we're
dealing with is serious
and will carry out
these threats.
I advise you to consider Option Red.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Special Agent David Pratner.
Send it.
- I just hope we're not too late.
- Now, where would that have gone?
Maybe in that little bin thing.
Oh. It seems to have gone.
- You mean it's sent?
- No.
I mean it's gone.
- What?
- Oh, no, it's come back again.
Oh, it's gone all together now.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Yeah.
Did you know
you can use different fonts?
- Sandra?
- Don't say anything.
- I've bought you some clothes.
- Sorry.
- What for?
- You were right all along.
I should've listened
to you, but I didn't.
I had a dream. The dream's over.
I thought I could change the world.
What was I thinking?
Too much time on my pale, freckly
hands, that's my problem.
Sit down.
The dream's not over.
Things are changing.
Not from where I'm sitting.
Out there, right now,
people are quite literally
painting the town red.
- How do you mean?
- In response to the protest,
gingers everywhere are
coming out of their houses,
hatless and proud.
I can't believe it.
Restrictions have been
lifted in sandwich bars.
Sandra, we're
handling food again.
Finally people are beginning
to take us seriously.
And I've just spoken to Jenny,
she's in the hairdressers,
and someone has just asked
for auburn highlights.
- The fight's over.
- Oh, Rita.
The future's bright, Sandra.
The future's…
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You're free to leave, Sandra.
Well done.
- Come on, you. We're late.
- What for?
The people who made
Calendar Girls
are making a movie about
Gingers for justice.
There's talk of Rula Lenska playing me.
We're meeting her at 12:00.
- Oh, Rita, me head's spinning.
- We're on our way.
Rita, wait. Who's playing me?
Bonnie Langford.