The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
- You ready, Nan?
- Yeah, lovely.
- Oh, you come up and show me a video.
- Yeah.
- Come up and show me a video, ain't you?
- Yeah.
- Been on your holidays?
- I have.
Been on your holidays and you come
up and show me a video, ain't you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
How much longer this
shit go on for?
Nan, it's my travel
diary from India.
- Hey, that looks like you.
- It is.
Oh, don't it look like you!
It is me.
Oh, look at that.
You're on the telly.
(CACKLING)
Oh, you're on the telly, son.
Don't you look short.
Who's that stood next to you?
That's Tom. I met him
at the youth hostel.
Oh, God help us.
Look, Nan, that's
Varanasi and the Ganges.
Oh, yeah.
It's a holy bathing
place for Hindus.
Your mate Tom looks like
he's having a good time.
It was a very spiritual place.
Here, we used to have an Indian
woman live near us years ago.
Bombay Mary we used to call her.
Oh, she was an handsome woman.
Couldn't do enough for you.
We loved her.
She'd make big pots of curry and rice
and lay it all up on a trestle table
and sell it out of the
front of her house.
People would queue for miles.
And she'd make these great
big crisps and all.
- Popadoms.
- (CACKLING) Oh, that's it!
Oh, there was everything
you could think of.
Oh, it was rotten.
You'd be spewing your
guts up for days.
Of course, you couldn't
say anything, though,
in case she put a
fucking spell on you.
Nan.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Who's that then?
I don't know. I'll go find out.
(SIGHS)
Oh, have a look.
Little, fat Buddha.
Nan, this is Pam, she's
just moved in upstairs.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart.
Oh, how lovely of
you to drop in.
Yeah, I've heard the doorbell go
and I said to him, "I
wonder who that could be?"
But you moved upstairs,
have you, darling?
Yeah, old Lena used to live there.
God rest her soul.
Never mind. You'll like it up there,
darling, it's a beautiful flat.
This is my grandson, Jamie.
He's not gay.
Apparently, Tom's just a friend.
- I've just been backpacking.
- Now, she don't need to know that.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I went
backpacking, what a laugh.
I went everywhere. I just
didn't want to come home.
Oh, there's nothing like travelling
the world, making friends.
Anyway, I just popped down
to say hello, show my face.
Seeing as we're going
to be neighbours.
What's that lady saying?
I just thought I should
introduce myself,
seeing as how I'm
living upstairs.
Can't make it out.
I suppose she's one of them
illegal immigrants, is she?
Nan.
Oh, you come over
on a lorry, love?
You and your whole street. Oh.
Oh, I do feel for you,
sweetheart, never mind.
You're better off here.
That's it.
I bet there's fucking
mobs of them up there.
Nan, Pam's from Scotland.
Oh, Scotch, is it?
They like a shant.
Can I get you anything, darling?
Oh, no, thank you, I'm not stopping.
I've got the removal men downstairs.
She wants a bowl of porridge.
Another time maybe.
I've really got to dash.
Summat about kilts.
Right, okay, bye.
Oh, you going, darling? Oh, all
right then, you know. Brigadoon.
Thanks for dropping
by, sweetheart.
You know where I am now, love, eh?
Maybe see you tomorrow.
(DOOR CLOSING)
What a fucking liberty!
She was blind drunk the woman.
Nan, she wasn't drunk.
She was going to turn violent
and all, weren't she?
- You could see it in her eyes.
- No, she wasn't.
She was frothing at
the fucking mouth.
You would have had it on your toes,
wouldn't you, eh? A bit lively.
You'd have been down them
stairs and out of it
while I'm up here, on me own,
being wrestled to the ground
by fucking Braveheart.
Nan, come on, sit down.
Cor blimey, this ain't
still on, is it?
You don't have to watch it.
What you doing there?
That's me and Tom
practising Ashtanga Yoga.
You dirty fucking poofter.
WOMAN: After her husband of nine
days was electrocuted on death row
in his Texan penitentiary,
Elaine Figgis was conned out
Of £5,500 over the Internet
by a spice seller
from Luxor Temple.
Unlucky in love, Elaine has now
decided she wants to have a baby.
I think it's a drive with women.
In-built, the desire to
nurture, to give love.
And let's face it, Tanya, I'm
not getting any younger.
Some days I can hear my
biological clock ticking so loud
it scares me.
(CLOCK TICKING)
Oh, that's not me. That's…
TANYA: So who are you
going to have a baby with?
Well, I was hoping it would
be my last boyfriend, Donald.
He was great, Donald,
if a tad violent.
Man of very few words and
most of those were swears.
But sadly, he felt his time on
earth was better spent with Linda,
from the pie shop.
Oh, that's a nice one.
Oh, I wouldn't mind
one like that.
TANYA: So you're looking
for a black partner?
Unlike a lot of people on this
street, Tanya, I'm not a racist.
I'll have anyone.
But remember, it's 2006. Who
needs a man to have a baby?
Well, presumably you're not capable
of producing your own sperm.
Do you mind not saying that word?
It goes right through me.
No, admittedly, I will
have to have a donation
of some description.
I did ask my great pals,
Michael and Gordon,
the boys, as I like to call them,
if they'd ever fancied a baby,
but apparently they're getting a Shih
Tzu from a trolley dolly in Tring.
Plan B.
♪ Whether you're a mother
or whether you're a brother
♪ You're staying alive
Staying alive
♪ Feel the city breaking
and everybody shaking and
♪ We're staying alive
Staying alive
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah
♪ Staying alive
Staying alive
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah
♪ Staying alive ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
How was your weekend, pet?
Oh, it was lovely, thank you. We took
Michaela to see the new Disney film.
Did her asthma make it a dismal
night for all concerned?
Oh, no, that's cleared up now.
Oh, I'm delighted for you.
That's champion news.
'Cause there's nothing worse than
trying to concentrate on a film
and having the person next to
you selfishly gasping for air.
Can I borrow your nice stainless
steel pencil sharpener?
Sure, yeah.
I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down
at the Tyne and Wear Choral Society
are doing a sponsored
sing-a-thon.
Oh, right, another fundraiser.
We're singing the hits of
Andrew Lloyd Webber,
past and present, 24 hours a
day, for the next fortnight.
For all little folk
in the Northeast area
who suffer with
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I've never met anyone with
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
That's because they're locked
in the bathroom 14 hours a day.
Washing the shite
off their hands.
Really?
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website
What shall I put you down for?
Um, £3 a week.
£6.
£6?
To sing I Dinnae
Know How To Love Him
on a continual loop
for a fortnight?
Um, all right, £3.50 a week.
£7. I don't think you've quite grasped
the gravity of the situation, Martin.
Did you know that every 38 minutes
one of those poor little halfwits
who has flown off on the holiday
of a lifetime touches down
and then has to fly
straight home again
'cause he's got a niggling feeling he's
left the top off the Shake 'n' Vac?
£7 is all I can afford.
£7 it is then, pet.
I've had an expensive
month, Georgie.
Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want it
to come between us, pet.
Best of luck with
the sing-a-thon.
♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina ♪
The germs, Martin! The
germs, the germs!
So, we're in Pudsey.
We're in Pudsey 'cause our
Jackie has married a Spaniard.
- Don't ask.
- She's only known him three months
but she's pushing 42 and
beggars can't be choosers.
Especially our Jackie.
Any road, we're at the reception.
What did they call that place?
Laventana. This is in Pudsey.
Laventana.
So, we shake hands with
Jackie and Enrique.
Not a dickie bird about
the sombrero we sent him.
And we sat down on a table
next to the Scunthorpe lot.
- Again.
- Right next to the water feature,
so I'm nipping to the
ladies every five minutes
'cause my bladder
is not what it was.
- They don't need to know that.
- Any road…
- You get a choice for your first course.
- Listen to this.
Parma ham with melon balls.
Calamari.
And… What did they call it?
Gazpacho. Give me strength.
So I said I'd have the Parma
ham with melon balls,
but could they take out the Parma ham
'cause it makes the melon taste salty.
And Ray said he'd
have the gazpacho.
Famous last words.
So, anyways, first
course arrives.
Bear in mind all I've had
is a sausage roll and
a sticky bun on
the M6 toll road.
You'll never guess what it
was, this gazpacho business.
You couldn't make it up.
Cold tomato soup.
Tomato soup.
Cold.
Soup.
Tomato.
Cold.
They couldn't even be
arsed to warm it up.
Ray went ape.
The dirty bastards.
We couldn't believe
it, could we?
That's not all. Tell them
what was floating on top.
Croutons.
Stale bread, basically.
Just when you think
you've seen it all.
Tiny bits of stale bread.
On cold tomato soup.
This is in Pudsey.
The dirty, evil, lazy basiardos.
WOMAN: Continuing her
quest to have a baby,
Elaine is visiting a sperm bank.
Oh, he sounds interesting.
Oh, he's a jockey, they're tiny.
He's a discjockey.
Hmm, remember "Diddy"
David Hamilton.
Oh, look, he's 6'1".
Oh, glasses. I don't think so.
Have you got any nice
coffee-coloured ones?
We have black donors, yes.
OAX 3902.
Oh! Oh, now he sounds perfect.
BSc from Doncaster.
I've been to Doncaster.
The accent grates on me.
Your baby wouldn't necessarily
have a Doncaster accent.
Can I take that risk, Amelia?
♪ Don't blame it on the sunshine
♪ Don't blame it on the moonlight
♪ Don't blame it on the good times
♪ Blame it on the boogie ♪
Do you know what time
I'm going up to physio?
♪ I just can't
♪ I just can't
I just can't control my feet ♪
- It's a grand day today, Mr Anderson.
- Why is that, then?
My sisters are coming over from Ireland.
Brenda and Bridie.
They are the bollocks.
You've got sisters, have you?
Are they like you?
Oh, God, no, no. Our Brenda is a right
party animal and our Bridie is a whore.
I'm the quiet one.
Is there any chance of checking
what time I'm going up to physio?
♪ I'm in the mood for dancing
WOMAN: ♪ Romancing
♪ I'm giving it all tonight ♪
They're here!
SISTERS: Where are you?
In here, in Ward 9, with
a dirty great ride.
How's it going?
- What are Youse wearing?
- We found them in your locker.
What do you think?
You are the bollocks.
What did I tell
you, Mr Anderson?
Are they not the biggest pair
of bollocks Youse ever seen?
I suppose they are.
Have you any idea what time
I'm going up to physio?
Brenda, Bridie, this is Jack.
BOTH: How's it going?
I've got suspected DVT.
(ALL SNORTING)
God, you must put
it about a bit.
Actually, it's deep
vein thrombosis.
I got it on a long-haul
flight from Australia.
I get it on a short-haul flight to
Cork, but then I'm a very fast mover.
(SNORTING)
Australia, eh? So
what was it like
down under?
Yeah, it was a great experience.
I spent a lot of time in the bush.
Jack, you're outrageous. I can't
believe you just said that.
I really think it might be time
for me to go up to my physio.
Oh, will you calm yourself down?
It's not for ages yet.
Oh, well. In that case,
I'll just get my head down.
Me first.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Bernie, your left breast's playing
The Yellow Rose of Texas.
Is it? Good lord.
Oh, that will be Sister. Come on,
it's time to do the dinner round.
- Oh, can we tag along?
- Oh, God, yeah, it's a great craic.
Especially when you
do the anorexics,
'cause they have like just one pea and
then you can keep the rest for yourself.
That's brilliant. Have
you got enough for five?
Five? What are you
talking about?
We've got a surprise for you.
Tell me now, you whores.
Our Seamus and Paddy are here!
BOTH: How's it going?
ALL: How's it going?
WOMAN: It's been six months
since we last saw Elaine,
and there's been some good news.
It was the happiest
day of my life,
the morning I woke up and
realised I'd missed my monthlies.
TANYA: So who's the father?
A strawberry blond web
designer, whatever that is,
called Marcus. Very posh.
He's Taurus for
Sagittarius rising,
appreciates sculpture and can't get
enough of Desperate Housewives.
So. I've not actually
seen a photo of him,
but I like to think he
looks something like this.
TANYA: How far along are you?
Six months, thereabout.
You're not showing.
Not on the outside. No.
On the inside, I'm huge.
My mum was the same
with me, you know.
Flat as pancake right
through the pregnancy,
and then I popped out. I
was over a foot long.
My nickname was
Foot-Long Figgis.
My Auntie Pearl still calls me Footy,
which can be a little bit confusing,
you know, if I'm stood
next to a football.
Do you like my mobile?
TANYA: And the check-ups and scans,
they're all going okay, are they?
Don't really bother with all
that, to be honest with you.
You know, but baby's fine, you
know, I can feel it in my waters.
I can feel it in
my uterus, really.
Have you thought of any
names yet, Elaine?
I was thinking about Mandy for a girl.
You know, after Barry Manilow.
And if it's a boy, maybe
something royal, you know.
Possibly Fergie.
I see you've bought
a pram already.
Got it off eBay.
It's bit of a nightmare,
actually, because, you know,
it's got a tendency
to veer left.
It just won't go right,
so if I want to go right,
I've to come full circle
face the direction I want to go.
(GROANING)
I'm not sure if that
was a contraption.
Really? So soon?
No, you're right, it was
last night's pecora.
Sorry.
Good night, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Miss Langford, Miss Langford.
- Yes.
If you could just sign it,
"To Derek and Leonard,"
"with a great, big showbiz kiss.
Love, Bonnie." That would be great.
We thought the show tonight
was out of this world.
And what with you doing all
that skating week in, week out.
Thank you.
- We voted for you 38 times.
- Oh?
- Sorry, "To Derek and…"
- Leonard, dear.
I've got a lot of gay fans.
I beg pardon.
I said, I've got
lot of gay fans.
Have you? And what
exactly has that
got to do with the price
of mauve eggs, dear?
Well, you and Leonard, I…
What on earth are
you insinuating?
Gay fans?
Me and Leonard?
How very dare you!
(STAMMERING) I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to offend you.
Oh, just sign the book, ginger.
I just assumed that you were…
Gay, dear? Who, dear?
Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man is partial to
an evening of musical theatre
and doesn't shy away
from a chest wax,
you assume he likes his shopping
dropped off around the back.
There's nothing wrong
with being gay, you know.
Twenty-five years
my mother and I
have been following your career
and you come out with this?
Well, I find you and
your splits impertinent.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Gay fans.
How very dare you!
I'm so sorry, I just…
- Who shall I sign this to?
- Neil.
Right. Thank you.
Excuse me, dear. If you see Cilla,
would you get a scribble on that?
Thank you, dear.
WOMAN: Elaine is 70 days overdue and
there is still no sign of baby Figgis.
TANYA: How are you
feeling, Elaine?
If it doesn't come soon, I
think I'll drag it out myself.
No, I mean, I wouldn't.
I have to say, Elaine, you're still
remarkably small for nine months.
Is everything okay?
Is that a new haircut, Tanya?
Elaine, this is a
difficult question…
Oh, it's not long division, is it?
Because I'm hopeless at that.
Are you really pregnant?
Pregnant in what sense, Tanya?
Well, the biological sense.
No.
Do you want to talk
about it, Elaine?
I don't think so, thank you.
LAUREN: Can you believe it?
I asked him for a Chilly Chimmy
Chang Burger, extra gherkins,
- extra cheese, extra burger.
- What did he give you, mate?
Chilly Chimmy Chang Burger,
extra gherkin, extra cheese,
extra burger and a egg.
Muppet.
- All right?
- BOTH: All right.
Lauren, there's something
I need to ask you.
You know that, like, we've been, like,
you know, for about a year now?
- What, mate?
- Well, like going out.
- Oh, my God.
- Innit, though?
Well, the thing is, I been thinking,
and, like, you ain't all that,
but the thing is that I been
thinking, maybe we could like get…
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, though.
Oh, my God! Is he going
down on one knee, though?
Oh, my God! Is he going
down on one knee, though?
He's going down
one knee, though.
- Lauren.
- Is it?
You wanna get hitched up, mate?
He asked me! He asked me!
He only went and asked me!
He asked you! He asked you!
He really went and asked you!
So what you saying?
You asked me! You asked me!
You only went and asked me!
So what you saying, mate?
Yeah, yeah, I do, though.
Yeah, I do, though.
My God, this is like the
happiest day of my life.
Innit, though?
That is well funny.
- What, mate?
- You thought we was getting wed.
- No, but…
- Is it that you wanna get hitched up?
That is well bad.
Are you saying that you
didn't mean it, though?
- Of course I didn't mean it.
- But she thought you were…
- I can't get married.
- That is so dry, mate.
I did it for a bet, though.
Getting married!
I can't married, I got
to concentrate on my…
(BEAT BOXING)
Beat boxing and stuff.
Getting married.
Well bad.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Are you all right, though?
- Yeah, I'm sweet as, mate.
- But you thought he wanted to marry you.
- No, I didn't.
- But he was having a bet, mate.
- Yeah, so was I, mate.
Who with, mate?
Right, you saying I'll
never get married?
- No, I'm just…
- Are you saying I'll never get married?
- What?
- Are you saying I'm going to die alone?
- No.
- Are you saying I'm going to be
- miserable my whole life?
- No.
Are you calling me ugly?
- What?
- Are you saying I'm a ugly sister?
- No.
- Are you saying I'm a ugly sister?
- No.
- I don't even care.
- Yeah…
- No, I don't even care, mate.
But he proposed to you as
a joke and you said yes,
and you said it was the
happiest day of your life,
and then he left you stood
here like a numpty.
- Am I bovvered?
- Yeah, but he…
- Am I bovvered, though?
- But you…
- I ain't even bovvered, though.
- But you…
- I ain't even bovvered.
- But you were excited.
No, I wasn't, though.
- You got up and did a dance, though.
- I was going to do that anyway.
- No, you weren't, mate.
- I was, though.
- I was just busting some moves.
- Mate, come on.
- I was just busting some moves, though.
- Take the shame.
- No, I ain't even bovvered.
- Yes, you are, though.
I ain't even bovvered.
Do I look bovvered?
Look at my face, right. No,
you ain't looking at my face.
Look at my face, right?
No, just look at my face.
Look at my face, is there any
part of my face bovvered?
- Does my face look bovvered?
- Yeah.
- Right, are you blind?
- Mate…
- Are you a blind person?
- No.
- Is it that you can't see?
- What?
- Do you read with your fingers?
- What?
- Do you read with your fingers, though?
- Mate, come on.
- Do you listen to books?
- Mate…
- Is that David Blunkett your dad?
- What?
Is it that you can take your
dog into Marks & Spencer?
That's not what I mean.
I was just saying…
- Can you sing the blues?
- No.
- Face. Bovvered. Blunkett.
- Come on.
- Face. Bovvered. I ain't bovvered.
- Look, no…
- Face. Bovvered. Gherkins.
- No, come on.
Bovvered. Face. Bovvered.
David Blunkett.
I ain't bovvered.
Oi, Muppet!
Do you want to get wed?
♪ I've been around the world
And I, I, I
♪ I can't find my baby
♪ I don't know when
I don't know why
♪ Why he's gone away
And I don't know where he can be
♪ My baby
♪ But I'm going to find him ♪
- Yeah, lovely.
- Oh, you come up and show me a video.
- Yeah.
- Come up and show me a video, ain't you?
- Yeah.
- Been on your holidays?
- I have.
Been on your holidays and you come
up and show me a video, ain't you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
How much longer this
shit go on for?
Nan, it's my travel
diary from India.
- Hey, that looks like you.
- It is.
Oh, don't it look like you!
It is me.
Oh, look at that.
You're on the telly.
(CACKLING)
Oh, you're on the telly, son.
Don't you look short.
Who's that stood next to you?
That's Tom. I met him
at the youth hostel.
Oh, God help us.
Look, Nan, that's
Varanasi and the Ganges.
Oh, yeah.
It's a holy bathing
place for Hindus.
Your mate Tom looks like
he's having a good time.
It was a very spiritual place.
Here, we used to have an Indian
woman live near us years ago.
Bombay Mary we used to call her.
Oh, she was an handsome woman.
Couldn't do enough for you.
We loved her.
She'd make big pots of curry and rice
and lay it all up on a trestle table
and sell it out of the
front of her house.
People would queue for miles.
And she'd make these great
big crisps and all.
- Popadoms.
- (CACKLING) Oh, that's it!
Oh, there was everything
you could think of.
Oh, it was rotten.
You'd be spewing your
guts up for days.
Of course, you couldn't
say anything, though,
in case she put a
fucking spell on you.
Nan.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Who's that then?
I don't know. I'll go find out.
(SIGHS)
Oh, have a look.
Little, fat Buddha.
Nan, this is Pam, she's
just moved in upstairs.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart.
Oh, how lovely of
you to drop in.
Yeah, I've heard the doorbell go
and I said to him, "I
wonder who that could be?"
But you moved upstairs,
have you, darling?
Yeah, old Lena used to live there.
God rest her soul.
Never mind. You'll like it up there,
darling, it's a beautiful flat.
This is my grandson, Jamie.
He's not gay.
Apparently, Tom's just a friend.
- I've just been backpacking.
- Now, she don't need to know that.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I went
backpacking, what a laugh.
I went everywhere. I just
didn't want to come home.
Oh, there's nothing like travelling
the world, making friends.
Anyway, I just popped down
to say hello, show my face.
Seeing as we're going
to be neighbours.
What's that lady saying?
I just thought I should
introduce myself,
seeing as how I'm
living upstairs.
Can't make it out.
I suppose she's one of them
illegal immigrants, is she?
Nan.
Oh, you come over
on a lorry, love?
You and your whole street. Oh.
Oh, I do feel for you,
sweetheart, never mind.
You're better off here.
That's it.
I bet there's fucking
mobs of them up there.
Nan, Pam's from Scotland.
Oh, Scotch, is it?
They like a shant.
Can I get you anything, darling?
Oh, no, thank you, I'm not stopping.
I've got the removal men downstairs.
She wants a bowl of porridge.
Another time maybe.
I've really got to dash.
Summat about kilts.
Right, okay, bye.
Oh, you going, darling? Oh, all
right then, you know. Brigadoon.
Thanks for dropping
by, sweetheart.
You know where I am now, love, eh?
Maybe see you tomorrow.
(DOOR CLOSING)
What a fucking liberty!
She was blind drunk the woman.
Nan, she wasn't drunk.
She was going to turn violent
and all, weren't she?
- You could see it in her eyes.
- No, she wasn't.
She was frothing at
the fucking mouth.
You would have had it on your toes,
wouldn't you, eh? A bit lively.
You'd have been down them
stairs and out of it
while I'm up here, on me own,
being wrestled to the ground
by fucking Braveheart.
Nan, come on, sit down.
Cor blimey, this ain't
still on, is it?
You don't have to watch it.
What you doing there?
That's me and Tom
practising Ashtanga Yoga.
You dirty fucking poofter.
WOMAN: After her husband of nine
days was electrocuted on death row
in his Texan penitentiary,
Elaine Figgis was conned out
Of £5,500 over the Internet
by a spice seller
from Luxor Temple.
Unlucky in love, Elaine has now
decided she wants to have a baby.
I think it's a drive with women.
In-built, the desire to
nurture, to give love.
And let's face it, Tanya, I'm
not getting any younger.
Some days I can hear my
biological clock ticking so loud
it scares me.
(CLOCK TICKING)
Oh, that's not me. That's…
TANYA: So who are you
going to have a baby with?
Well, I was hoping it would
be my last boyfriend, Donald.
He was great, Donald,
if a tad violent.
Man of very few words and
most of those were swears.
But sadly, he felt his time on
earth was better spent with Linda,
from the pie shop.
Oh, that's a nice one.
Oh, I wouldn't mind
one like that.
TANYA: So you're looking
for a black partner?
Unlike a lot of people on this
street, Tanya, I'm not a racist.
I'll have anyone.
But remember, it's 2006. Who
needs a man to have a baby?
Well, presumably you're not capable
of producing your own sperm.
Do you mind not saying that word?
It goes right through me.
No, admittedly, I will
have to have a donation
of some description.
I did ask my great pals,
Michael and Gordon,
the boys, as I like to call them,
if they'd ever fancied a baby,
but apparently they're getting a Shih
Tzu from a trolley dolly in Tring.
Plan B.
♪ Whether you're a mother
or whether you're a brother
♪ You're staying alive
Staying alive
♪ Feel the city breaking
and everybody shaking and
♪ We're staying alive
Staying alive
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah
♪ Staying alive
Staying alive
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah
♪ Staying alive ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
How was your weekend, pet?
Oh, it was lovely, thank you. We took
Michaela to see the new Disney film.
Did her asthma make it a dismal
night for all concerned?
Oh, no, that's cleared up now.
Oh, I'm delighted for you.
That's champion news.
'Cause there's nothing worse than
trying to concentrate on a film
and having the person next to
you selfishly gasping for air.
Can I borrow your nice stainless
steel pencil sharpener?
Sure, yeah.
I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down
at the Tyne and Wear Choral Society
are doing a sponsored
sing-a-thon.
Oh, right, another fundraiser.
We're singing the hits of
Andrew Lloyd Webber,
past and present, 24 hours a
day, for the next fortnight.
For all little folk
in the Northeast area
who suffer with
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I've never met anyone with
obsessive-compulsive disorder.
That's because they're locked
in the bathroom 14 hours a day.
Washing the shite
off their hands.
Really?
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website
What shall I put you down for?
Um, £3 a week.
£6.
£6?
To sing I Dinnae
Know How To Love Him
on a continual loop
for a fortnight?
Um, all right, £3.50 a week.
£7. I don't think you've quite grasped
the gravity of the situation, Martin.
Did you know that every 38 minutes
one of those poor little halfwits
who has flown off on the holiday
of a lifetime touches down
and then has to fly
straight home again
'cause he's got a niggling feeling he's
left the top off the Shake 'n' Vac?
£7 is all I can afford.
£7 it is then, pet.
I've had an expensive
month, Georgie.
Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want it
to come between us, pet.
Best of luck with
the sing-a-thon.
♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina ♪
The germs, Martin! The
germs, the germs!
So, we're in Pudsey.
We're in Pudsey 'cause our
Jackie has married a Spaniard.
- Don't ask.
- She's only known him three months
but she's pushing 42 and
beggars can't be choosers.
Especially our Jackie.
Any road, we're at the reception.
What did they call that place?
Laventana. This is in Pudsey.
Laventana.
So, we shake hands with
Jackie and Enrique.
Not a dickie bird about
the sombrero we sent him.
And we sat down on a table
next to the Scunthorpe lot.
- Again.
- Right next to the water feature,
so I'm nipping to the
ladies every five minutes
'cause my bladder
is not what it was.
- They don't need to know that.
- Any road…
- You get a choice for your first course.
- Listen to this.
Parma ham with melon balls.
Calamari.
And… What did they call it?
Gazpacho. Give me strength.
So I said I'd have the Parma
ham with melon balls,
but could they take out the Parma ham
'cause it makes the melon taste salty.
And Ray said he'd
have the gazpacho.
Famous last words.
So, anyways, first
course arrives.
Bear in mind all I've had
is a sausage roll and
a sticky bun on
the M6 toll road.
You'll never guess what it
was, this gazpacho business.
You couldn't make it up.
Cold tomato soup.
Tomato soup.
Cold.
Soup.
Tomato.
Cold.
They couldn't even be
arsed to warm it up.
Ray went ape.
The dirty bastards.
We couldn't believe
it, could we?
That's not all. Tell them
what was floating on top.
Croutons.
Stale bread, basically.
Just when you think
you've seen it all.
Tiny bits of stale bread.
On cold tomato soup.
This is in Pudsey.
The dirty, evil, lazy basiardos.
WOMAN: Continuing her
quest to have a baby,
Elaine is visiting a sperm bank.
Oh, he sounds interesting.
Oh, he's a jockey, they're tiny.
He's a discjockey.
Hmm, remember "Diddy"
David Hamilton.
Oh, look, he's 6'1".
Oh, glasses. I don't think so.
Have you got any nice
coffee-coloured ones?
We have black donors, yes.
OAX 3902.
Oh! Oh, now he sounds perfect.
BSc from Doncaster.
I've been to Doncaster.
The accent grates on me.
Your baby wouldn't necessarily
have a Doncaster accent.
Can I take that risk, Amelia?
♪ Don't blame it on the sunshine
♪ Don't blame it on the moonlight
♪ Don't blame it on the good times
♪ Blame it on the boogie ♪
Do you know what time
I'm going up to physio?
♪ I just can't
♪ I just can't
I just can't control my feet ♪
- It's a grand day today, Mr Anderson.
- Why is that, then?
My sisters are coming over from Ireland.
Brenda and Bridie.
They are the bollocks.
You've got sisters, have you?
Are they like you?
Oh, God, no, no. Our Brenda is a right
party animal and our Bridie is a whore.
I'm the quiet one.
Is there any chance of checking
what time I'm going up to physio?
♪ I'm in the mood for dancing
WOMAN: ♪ Romancing
♪ I'm giving it all tonight ♪
They're here!
SISTERS: Where are you?
In here, in Ward 9, with
a dirty great ride.
How's it going?
- What are Youse wearing?
- We found them in your locker.
What do you think?
You are the bollocks.
What did I tell
you, Mr Anderson?
Are they not the biggest pair
of bollocks Youse ever seen?
I suppose they are.
Have you any idea what time
I'm going up to physio?
Brenda, Bridie, this is Jack.
BOTH: How's it going?
I've got suspected DVT.
(ALL SNORTING)
God, you must put
it about a bit.
Actually, it's deep
vein thrombosis.
I got it on a long-haul
flight from Australia.
I get it on a short-haul flight to
Cork, but then I'm a very fast mover.
(SNORTING)
Australia, eh? So
what was it like
down under?
Yeah, it was a great experience.
I spent a lot of time in the bush.
Jack, you're outrageous. I can't
believe you just said that.
I really think it might be time
for me to go up to my physio.
Oh, will you calm yourself down?
It's not for ages yet.
Oh, well. In that case,
I'll just get my head down.
Me first.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Bernie, your left breast's playing
The Yellow Rose of Texas.
Is it? Good lord.
Oh, that will be Sister. Come on,
it's time to do the dinner round.
- Oh, can we tag along?
- Oh, God, yeah, it's a great craic.
Especially when you
do the anorexics,
'cause they have like just one pea and
then you can keep the rest for yourself.
That's brilliant. Have
you got enough for five?
Five? What are you
talking about?
We've got a surprise for you.
Tell me now, you whores.
Our Seamus and Paddy are here!
BOTH: How's it going?
ALL: How's it going?
WOMAN: It's been six months
since we last saw Elaine,
and there's been some good news.
It was the happiest
day of my life,
the morning I woke up and
realised I'd missed my monthlies.
TANYA: So who's the father?
A strawberry blond web
designer, whatever that is,
called Marcus. Very posh.
He's Taurus for
Sagittarius rising,
appreciates sculpture and can't get
enough of Desperate Housewives.
So. I've not actually
seen a photo of him,
but I like to think he
looks something like this.
TANYA: How far along are you?
Six months, thereabout.
You're not showing.
Not on the outside. No.
On the inside, I'm huge.
My mum was the same
with me, you know.
Flat as pancake right
through the pregnancy,
and then I popped out. I
was over a foot long.
My nickname was
Foot-Long Figgis.
My Auntie Pearl still calls me Footy,
which can be a little bit confusing,
you know, if I'm stood
next to a football.
Do you like my mobile?
TANYA: And the check-ups and scans,
they're all going okay, are they?
Don't really bother with all
that, to be honest with you.
You know, but baby's fine, you
know, I can feel it in my waters.
I can feel it in
my uterus, really.
Have you thought of any
names yet, Elaine?
I was thinking about Mandy for a girl.
You know, after Barry Manilow.
And if it's a boy, maybe
something royal, you know.
Possibly Fergie.
I see you've bought
a pram already.
Got it off eBay.
It's bit of a nightmare,
actually, because, you know,
it's got a tendency
to veer left.
It just won't go right,
so if I want to go right,
I've to come full circle
face the direction I want to go.
(GROANING)
I'm not sure if that
was a contraption.
Really? So soon?
No, you're right, it was
last night's pecora.
Sorry.
Good night, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Miss Langford, Miss Langford.
- Yes.
If you could just sign it,
"To Derek and Leonard,"
"with a great, big showbiz kiss.
Love, Bonnie." That would be great.
We thought the show tonight
was out of this world.
And what with you doing all
that skating week in, week out.
Thank you.
- We voted for you 38 times.
- Oh?
- Sorry, "To Derek and…"
- Leonard, dear.
I've got a lot of gay fans.
I beg pardon.
I said, I've got
lot of gay fans.
Have you? And what
exactly has that
got to do with the price
of mauve eggs, dear?
Well, you and Leonard, I…
What on earth are
you insinuating?
Gay fans?
Me and Leonard?
How very dare you!
(STAMMERING) I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to offend you.
Oh, just sign the book, ginger.
I just assumed that you were…
Gay, dear? Who, dear?
Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because a man is partial to
an evening of musical theatre
and doesn't shy away
from a chest wax,
you assume he likes his shopping
dropped off around the back.
There's nothing wrong
with being gay, you know.
Twenty-five years
my mother and I
have been following your career
and you come out with this?
Well, I find you and
your splits impertinent.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Gay fans.
How very dare you!
I'm so sorry, I just…
- Who shall I sign this to?
- Neil.
Right. Thank you.
Excuse me, dear. If you see Cilla,
would you get a scribble on that?
Thank you, dear.
WOMAN: Elaine is 70 days overdue and
there is still no sign of baby Figgis.
TANYA: How are you
feeling, Elaine?
If it doesn't come soon, I
think I'll drag it out myself.
No, I mean, I wouldn't.
I have to say, Elaine, you're still
remarkably small for nine months.
Is everything okay?
Is that a new haircut, Tanya?
Elaine, this is a
difficult question…
Oh, it's not long division, is it?
Because I'm hopeless at that.
Are you really pregnant?
Pregnant in what sense, Tanya?
Well, the biological sense.
No.
Do you want to talk
about it, Elaine?
I don't think so, thank you.
LAUREN: Can you believe it?
I asked him for a Chilly Chimmy
Chang Burger, extra gherkins,
- extra cheese, extra burger.
- What did he give you, mate?
Chilly Chimmy Chang Burger,
extra gherkin, extra cheese,
extra burger and a egg.
Muppet.
- All right?
- BOTH: All right.
Lauren, there's something
I need to ask you.
You know that, like, we've been, like,
you know, for about a year now?
- What, mate?
- Well, like going out.
- Oh, my God.
- Innit, though?
Well, the thing is, I been thinking,
and, like, you ain't all that,
but the thing is that I been
thinking, maybe we could like get…
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, though.
Oh, my God! Is he going
down on one knee, though?
Oh, my God! Is he going
down on one knee, though?
He's going down
one knee, though.
- Lauren.
- Is it?
You wanna get hitched up, mate?
He asked me! He asked me!
He only went and asked me!
He asked you! He asked you!
He really went and asked you!
So what you saying?
You asked me! You asked me!
You only went and asked me!
So what you saying, mate?
Yeah, yeah, I do, though.
Yeah, I do, though.
My God, this is like the
happiest day of my life.
Innit, though?
That is well funny.
- What, mate?
- You thought we was getting wed.
- No, but…
- Is it that you wanna get hitched up?
That is well bad.
Are you saying that you
didn't mean it, though?
- Of course I didn't mean it.
- But she thought you were…
- I can't get married.
- That is so dry, mate.
I did it for a bet, though.
Getting married!
I can't married, I got
to concentrate on my…
(BEAT BOXING)
Beat boxing and stuff.
Getting married.
Well bad.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Are you all right, though?
- Yeah, I'm sweet as, mate.
- But you thought he wanted to marry you.
- No, I didn't.
- But he was having a bet, mate.
- Yeah, so was I, mate.
Who with, mate?
Right, you saying I'll
never get married?
- No, I'm just…
- Are you saying I'll never get married?
- What?
- Are you saying I'm going to die alone?
- No.
- Are you saying I'm going to be
- miserable my whole life?
- No.
Are you calling me ugly?
- What?
- Are you saying I'm a ugly sister?
- No.
- Are you saying I'm a ugly sister?
- No.
- I don't even care.
- Yeah…
- No, I don't even care, mate.
But he proposed to you as
a joke and you said yes,
and you said it was the
happiest day of your life,
and then he left you stood
here like a numpty.
- Am I bovvered?
- Yeah, but he…
- Am I bovvered, though?
- But you…
- I ain't even bovvered, though.
- But you…
- I ain't even bovvered.
- But you were excited.
No, I wasn't, though.
- You got up and did a dance, though.
- I was going to do that anyway.
- No, you weren't, mate.
- I was, though.
- I was just busting some moves.
- Mate, come on.
- I was just busting some moves, though.
- Take the shame.
- No, I ain't even bovvered.
- Yes, you are, though.
I ain't even bovvered.
Do I look bovvered?
Look at my face, right. No,
you ain't looking at my face.
Look at my face, right?
No, just look at my face.
Look at my face, is there any
part of my face bovvered?
- Does my face look bovvered?
- Yeah.
- Right, are you blind?
- Mate…
- Are you a blind person?
- No.
- Is it that you can't see?
- What?
- Do you read with your fingers?
- What?
- Do you read with your fingers, though?
- Mate, come on.
- Do you listen to books?
- Mate…
- Is that David Blunkett your dad?
- What?
Is it that you can take your
dog into Marks & Spencer?
That's not what I mean.
I was just saying…
- Can you sing the blues?
- No.
- Face. Bovvered. Blunkett.
- Come on.
- Face. Bovvered. I ain't bovvered.
- Look, no…
- Face. Bovvered. Gherkins.
- No, come on.
Bovvered. Face. Bovvered.
David Blunkett.
I ain't bovvered.
Oi, Muppet!
Do you want to get wed?
♪ I've been around the world
And I, I, I
♪ I can't find my baby
♪ I don't know when
I don't know why
♪ Why he's gone away
And I don't know where he can be
♪ My baby
♪ But I'm going to find him ♪