The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript
- Where to, gentlemen?
- Town square, por favor.
Take the scenic route, gracias.
- You on holidays?
- That's right, dear.
Want to soak up some
sights, you know.
- You and your friend?
- That's right.
Oh, look at the lights
glistening off the sea, Leonard.
Smashing.
So, what you get up to tonight?
Oh, you know, take
in some tapas.
Glass of vino tinto for me,
sparkling mineral for Leonard.
If you want, I can take
you to a good bar.
Muchas gracias, but
we're not big drinkers.
He's had bypass.
There is good bar for men like you.
Lots of boys in shorts, disco dance.
Homolulu it's called.
I beg your pardon, Señior?
I said it's called Homolulu.
Yes, I heard that bit.
All the boys, they
love Homolulu.
Homolulu. What on earth
are you insinuating?
Oh, you will love it.
Lots of pretty boys.
How very dare you! I've
never been so insulted.
Wait, you mean that
you are not a…
Who, dear? Me, dear?
Gay, dear? No, dear.
I just assume…
You assthume? You assthume?
Just because a man spends a
little too much on hand cream
and knows all the lines
to All About Eve,
you accuse him of being a
receiver of swollen goods.
I didn't mean anything by it.
How very, very dare you!
Twenty-five years mother and I
have been coming to this island
and I've never heard
anything like it.
Never in all me born.
I find you
impertinento.
- Look, my friend…
- Stop the car, we'll walk.
Homolulu.
How very dare you!
- This is gonna be fierce.
- Innit, though?
Ryan's gonna be well impressed
when he sees what I'm doing.
When he sees what
I'm doing, mate.
- But he'll be looking at me, though.
- But he'll be looking at me, though.
But he's only got
eyes for me, is it?
But I am well better
than you, mate.
- But you're dreaming.
- But I ain't, though.
- But you are, though.
- But I ain't, though.
Well, let's find
out then, is it?
- Liz.
- One, two, three, four.
♪ Oh, Ryan, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Ryan! Hey, Ryan!
♪ Oh, Ryan, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Ryan! Hey, Ryan!
♪ Oh, Ryan, what a pity
you don't understand
♪ You take me by the heart
when you take me by the hand
♪ Oh, Ryan, you're so pretty
Can't you understand?
♪ It's guys like you, Ryan!
♪ Oh, what you do, Ryan, do, Ryan
♪ Don't break my heart, Ryan
♪ Hey, Ryan! ♪
That was well good
cheer leading.
But she can't even cheer
lead like I can, is it?
- No way, mate. Your moves are fierce.
- Innit, though?
But whose moves
are better, mate?
You are so the best cheerleader
in Tunbridge Wells.
But she can't even
cheer lead, is it?
- What you chatting about?
- I ain't chatting about nothing.
- But I heard you chatting.
- Didn't hear me chatting.
- Did you hear her chatting?
- I heard her chatting.
- Did you hear me chatting?
- I didn't hear you chatting.
- I weren't even chatting.
- See, look you're chatting.
- Who told you I was chatting?
- I can hear you chatting.
Well, shut up, then.
You can't even cheer
lead, though.
But you can't throw
my shapes, mate.
- I so can.
- But you can't even freestyle.
- But I can, though.
- You can't, though.
- But I can, though.
- But you can't, though.
- But I can, though.
- But is it that you can do this?
Is it that you can do this?
But is it that you can do this?
That is well shameful.
- You are, you mean.
- But you look like a numpty.
Yeah? You're just jealous.
But you don't even know anything
about American football, though.
But I do, though.
But you don't even know what
position Ryan plays in.
- Yes, I do, though.
- No, you don't, though.
- Yes, I do, mate.
- No, you don't, mate.
You are so lame.
What position does
Ryan play, then?
Quarter pounder.
You what, mate?
Quarter pounder, is it?
- It's a quarterback, mate.
- What?
It's quarterback.
Quarter pounder,
that is well bad.
You thought he was a
burger, take the shame.
Quarter pounder! Do you
want some fries with that?
All right?
ALL: All right?
I is well good at that.
Let's chip.
Am not bovvered?
- But, mate.
- Am I bovvered, though?
- But listen…
- I ain't even bovvered.
- No.
- But I ain't even bovvered, though.
- Yeah…
- Do you think I'm bovvered?
- No…
- I ain't bovvered. Is my face bovvered?
- But did you…
- Is my face bovvered, though?
- Yeah, but…
- Is this the face of bovvered?
- Take the shame.
- No, 'cause I ain't even bovvered.
But he just walked in here…
Don't even care 'cause
I ain't bovvered.
- But he just walked in here…
- Who did, mate?
- Ryan just walked in here.
- No, he didn't.
Ryan just walked in here
and snogged her face off.
- I didn't even see him.
- But he come in here with his helmet on.
But that was a spaceman.
No, mate, that was Ryan.
He come in here with his helmet on,
stuck his tongue down her throat
and left you stood
here like a Muppet!
- Face, bovvered?
- Mate…
- Look, face. Am I bovvered?
- just, yeah…
- Lauren…
- Look at my face, I ain't even bovvered.
- Look, face, bovvered?
- Yeah, but…
Quarter pounder, I
ain't even bovvered.
Pom-pom, cheerleaders,
I ain't even bovvered.
Look, face, bovvered?
I ain't bovvered.
I ain't bovvered. Look, face.
Quarter pounders. Gherkins.
- I ain't even bovvered.
- You…
I don't even care.
I ain't even bovvered.
Look, mayonnaise. I
ain't even bovvered.
I ain't even bovvered. Tomato sauce.
I ain't even bovvered.
Don't care. I'm on the Atkins,
I don't want the bun.
- I ain't even bovvered.
- Please… Listen…
I ain't bovvered. Look, face, bovvered?
Face, look, bovvered? Give me a "B"
- What?
- Give me a "B".
- What?
- Give me a "B".
- Why?
- Just give me a "B".
Just give me a "B".
Just give me a "B".
- "B."
- Give me an "O".
- "O".
- Give me a "V".
- "V"
- Give me another "V".
- "V".
- Do you see where I'm going with this?
- Mate, I was just…
- Give me an "I".
- "I"
- Give me an "ain't".
- "Ain't."
- Give me a "bovvered".
What have you got?
I ain't bovvered!
I forgot my helmet.
- Morning, Neville.
- Morning, Irene.
Oh, I'm just about ready
for my bed, Neville.
It's been like Spaghetti
Junction here today.
- Double cheese burger, no chips?
- That's the ticket.
You will not believe who was stood there
stuffing her face with onion rings,
not two hours hence.
- Who was that, then?
- Black woman.
Big toothy grin. Done
all right for herself.
- American.
- Diana Ross?
What, here? No!
Vernon, what was her name?
Condoleezza Rice.
- The security advisor to President Bush?
- Yeah.
I could smell the booze
from here, she reeked.
- Been out on a bender, I suppose.
- That's it.
She'd been caning it big
stylie down Gossips.
Well, it was ladies'
night, wasn't it?
Rolled up here with the
munchies on the way home.
To America?
No, she's staying with her auntie
Betty at the Jackson Heights estate.
Dreading going back, she was, on
account of the lifts being out.
So she's from around
here originally?
Davenport Street. Her
dad ran the tyre shop.
Here, I cracked a joke.
I said, "Here, Condoleezza
Rice, I know your sister."
She goes, "What, our Lafecia?"
I goes, "No, Eggy Fried."
She nearly wet herself.
- Any sauce?
- No, thanks.
- Can I settle up with you on Friday?
- Of course you can, Neville.
Bye-bye, Neville.
Oh, don't start.
My name's Sam Speed,
Detective Sergeant Sam
Speed, Thames Valley Police.
In 2005, I was on a
routine enquiry,
when this happened.
I was hit by a car travelling
at 50 miles an hour.
When I woke up, it was 1957.
Am I dead, in a coma
or gone back in time?
You all right, guv'nor?
Looks like you come a right nasty
cropper there, so it does.
How about we help you
back on your bike?
Whatever's happened, it's like
I've landed on a different Planet
This is my house.
At least, it looks like my house.
Hello, son, I've
been expecting you.
I'm Mrs Willow, but
everyone calls me Ma.
Been expecting me?
Well, you're here for
the room, ain't you?
Now, listen up. House rules.
If you want any supper, you'll
be back indoors by 6:30.
It's liver on Monday,
suet on Tuesday.
Liver on Wednesday, suet on
Thursday, fish and chips on Friday.
On Saturday, it's a surprise and
it's a roast on the Sabbath.
You'll be in your bed by 10:00 and
sat down for your breakfast by 7:00.
You can have bread and dripping
during the week, porridge on Saturday
and a good Suffolk sausage
every second Sunday.
If you see my Jeannie knocking about
the place, you're to leave her alone.
She's of a ripe age, but
she's promised to a farmer.
Because I'll tell you this,
police fella or no police fella,
if you give me any trouble,
you'll be out of that door
quicker than you can
say doolally tap.
Well, don't stand there on the
doorstep dawdling like a dullard,
people will think I'm a
scarlet woman, so they will.
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Is everything all right?
No, my salsa partner has gone back to
South America to open a salsa school.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
No, who else am I
gonna dance with?
Isn't there anyone else
at your salsa class?
They're all beginners.
It's very hard to find someone
who can really dance salsa.
- I can do that.
- You salsa?
Do I ever.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Hey, can you tell me when
you're gonna do that?
- You don't salsa at all, do you?
- Yes, I do.
Come on, let's do that thing
where you spin around!
Olé!
♪ Well
♪ You know you make me wanna shout
♪ Look, my heart is thumping
♪ Shout
♪ Look, my hands are jumping
♪ Shout
♪ Throw my head back
♪ Shout
♪ Come on now! ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend, pet?
- Lovely, thank you.
We took Michaela and her
friends out for a picnic.
Did her eczema put everyone
off their sausage rolls?
- No, that's all cleared up.
- Good.
'Cause watching someone scratch
themselves till they bleed
is not everyone's
idea of eating out.
She's fine now.
Can I borrow your nice
four-colour Biro?
Yeah, sure.
I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down
at the Gateshead Community Centre
are doing a little fundraiser
next Saturday afternoon.
Oh, what are you doing?
We're doing a round the
clock pancake flip
for all the little victims of
sexual harassment in the workplace.
That is a really worthy cause.
Aye, it is.
Did you know that
every 38 minutes
some unsuspecting a little
temp in a short skirt
bends over to file something
in the bottom drawer
and gets shagged up the arse?
Every 38 minutes?
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website,
www.bummedbytheboss
How much shall I
put you down for?
How about 15p an hour?
£3.40?
For all those poor little
secretaries in their vest tops,
who every time they open
their mouths to yawn
someone shoves a cock in it?
Put me down… Put me down for £4.
£4 for all those half-dressed
little dolly birds
whose only thanks for franking
the mail of a Friday afternoon
is a face full of jizz.
Just can't splash it about.
I mean… I didn't…
Aye, that's it.
Laugh it up.
Maybe you'd feel a little differently
if you got flashed on a regular basis
by the lads from Accounts.
- Really, it's all I can afford.
- £4 it is, then.
- I'd like to give you more but…
- Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want it
to come between us, pet.
Oi, Martin, get your laughing
gear round those, son.
Sit down and take
the weight off.
Make some space for
the young fella.
Or better still, get that backside
of yours back down the gasworks.
Look at the time. They've told you
once about your jiggery-pokery.
You'll be out on your ear,
and then see what you get.
I've make us nice pot
of Lipton's tea.
Piping hot, if you don't mind.
There are some cigarettes on the side.
Help yourself, why don't you?
Thanks, but I don't smoke.
What is the matter, lad? You
feeling a little elsewhere?
No, I don't smoke.
Stick one behind your ear for
later, when you're feeling better.
I bet your guts is
hanging out, ain't they?
Get that down you,
that will fill a hole.
- What's this?
- It's Saturday surprise.
I don't eat meat.
Stop talking gibberish
and eat your giblets.
No, I'm a vegetarian.
Well, blow me down.
I never met a real one.
And a police officer to boot.
They usually go into show
business, don't they?
Ma, you seen me stays?
Oh, pardon me, I didn't
know we had company.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
Detective Sergeant Sam
Speed, Thames Valley Police.
You keep your eyes out front
and your smiles for your mother.
Don't go putting any ideas
into my Jeannie's head.
She's a big enough
dreamer as it is.
I've told you before, she's
betrothed to the son of a farmer
and we need the onions.
- I can dream, Mum.
- You'll do no such thing.
Remember what your
grandmother used to say,
"Slow and steady wins the race"
"but no good will come
from a one-eyed sailor."
Now go into the pantry and help
your father organise his boots.
Get your hat off the table, son,
you're not at home any more, you know.
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
- Anyone home?
- Hello, Vi.
Vi, whatever is the matter?
You do look queer.
Here, I've had ever
such a fright.
I just seen the new family
moving in to number 47.
Yes?
Black as your hat, they are,
every last one of them.
Oh, Vi.
My Nelly came over all unnecessary
when she clapped eyes on them.
What a thing to happen!
Now, pull yourself together, getting
yourself all hot and bothered.
Come one, come all,
that's what I say.
As long as they are decent,
law-abiding citizens,
there's no reason why we
can't all live together
side by side in
peace and harmony.
However, if they think they
can start knocking on my door
with bones through their noses,
they're very much mistaken.
- You can't say that.
- Who's this?
Oh, take no notice of coppertop here.
He's had a knock on the head.
Why, look at the time.
It's 6:10 and we haven't
had a singsong yet.
- Oh!
- Come into the parlour, Vi.
Bit of cheering up
is what you need.
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
ALL: ♪ I dillied and dallied
Dallied and dillied
♪ Lost me way and don't
know where to roam
♪ You can't trust a special
like the old-time coppers
♪ When you can't
find your way home ♪
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
What's the matter, Sammy? Are
you not a singer of songs?
Not really. Well, I
mean, I know a few.
Oh, I should love
to hear you sing.
You keep your eyes out
front, young woman.
Budge up, Herbert.
Come on then, son. Let's
see what you're made of.
(PLAYING LET IT BE ON PIANO)
♪ When I find myself
in times of trouble
♪ Mother Mary comes to me
♪ Speaking words of wisdom
♪ Let it be ♪
What a bleeding racket!
You trying to deafen us all?
Oh, my lugholes!
Come on, look sharp, Herbert.
Go and stand over there, son.
You've embarrassed
yourself, so you have.
Oh, Vi, what a load
of bleeding rubbish.
(PLAYING PIANO)
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
♪ Have a banana
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
♪ Have a banana
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
♪ Have a banana
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
Have a banana ♪
JOOLS HOLLAND: No, it's a disaster.
The drummer's got food poisoning.
We're gonna start the
show in 10 minutes.
Course they can't do the show
without a drummer. It's ridiculous.
It's a disaster.
What's wrong?
Well, The Divine
Comedy, a great group,
they're on the show, and their
drummer's got food poisoning.
We're about to start in 10 minutes
and we don't have a drummer.
So we can't do the show.
I can do that.
- Drum?
- Yeah.
Well, come through this way.
That's great.
(PLAYING GENERATION SEX)
♪ Generation sex
♪ Respects the rights… ♪
Sorry, is your
guitar out of tune?
(DOOR CLOSING)
- Is that you, darling?
- All right, Nan?
Oh, thank God you're here.
I'm frightened out me life.
Oh, it's only a mouse, Nan.
Little bastard's been
getting at me all day.
Come on, Nan, get down.
I've been stood up here
since 7:00 this morning.
Are you sure you've
seen a mouse, Nan?
Course I'm sure, it's
been up me leg twice.
It's tore me tights to pieces.
Well, look, it's all right now.
I'm here.
And the attitude of it.
Oh, it's unbelievable.
Soon as I get into bed at night,
he stands outside my
door and laughs at me.
Nan, he's not laughing at you.
Not much he ain't. He gets all
his little mousy mates round,
and they come up here, and they slide
about on my lino until morning.
They think it's a
fucking country club.
- There he is.
- Where?
- There it is.
- I can't see it.
- There it is!
- Come on, Nan
I bet he's gone in me
kitchen, greedy little git.
It's already gnawed
through a box of Ritz.
Now, don't get me wrong,
they are very moreish,
but he ain't got
to eat them all.
Have you put anything
down for it?
Yeah, I put a little mattress
down by the sideboard.
What's the matter with you?
I mean poison.
There's a bucket load of it in there,
but he turns his nose up at it.
He ain't got any room, see,
'cause he's stuffed his mousy
guts full of crackers.
(CLANGING)
Oh, there it is!
No, it's all right, Nan,
it's just the post.
What, he's using my address now?
He'll be getting me to go and
cash his mousy Giro next.
What a fucking liberty!
- Look, there he is.
- Oh, where?
Next to the microwave.
He's eyeing up me mint
Viscounts, the bastard!
Now, get in there,
son, and sort him out.
I can't use this.
He's been terrorising
me for a fortnight.
Now, you'd get in there quick
enough if Stephen Gately asked you.
Go on, son. Get in there before
he tears the place apart.
- No, Nan.
- Now, it's making my nerves bad.
(CRASHING)
I've done it, Nan.
- Did you do it?
- Yeah.
- Finished?
- All done.
- Is it gone?
- Yeah, I killed it.
You what?
- I killed it.
- You did what?
- I killed the mouse.
- You fucking murdering bastard!
But you asked me to.
I only wanted you to shoo
it gently on its way.
Not pulverise its little
mousy brains out.
- I thought that's what you wanted.
- What, to kill me lovely little Mickey?
It was the only bit
of company I had.
Be round about this time we'd be
settling in to watch Countdown.
I'd throw him a lump of cheese,
you wouldn't hear a peep
out of him till Emmerdale.
Oh, I'll miss him.
I don't know what to say.
I used to put Radio 2
on in the afternoon,
and he'd run up and
down them curtains.
He was a born entertainer.
I'm sorry, Nan.
I'll never be able to look a
Ritz cracker in the face again.
- I said I'm sorry.
- No, it's all right, son.
You weren't to know.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Look, there's a rat!
- Where?
You fucking old Mary-Ann!
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey! Hey, Mickey!
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey! ♪
(MICKEY PLAYING)
- Town square, por favor.
Take the scenic route, gracias.
- You on holidays?
- That's right, dear.
Want to soak up some
sights, you know.
- You and your friend?
- That's right.
Oh, look at the lights
glistening off the sea, Leonard.
Smashing.
So, what you get up to tonight?
Oh, you know, take
in some tapas.
Glass of vino tinto for me,
sparkling mineral for Leonard.
If you want, I can take
you to a good bar.
Muchas gracias, but
we're not big drinkers.
He's had bypass.
There is good bar for men like you.
Lots of boys in shorts, disco dance.
Homolulu it's called.
I beg your pardon, Señior?
I said it's called Homolulu.
Yes, I heard that bit.
All the boys, they
love Homolulu.
Homolulu. What on earth
are you insinuating?
Oh, you will love it.
Lots of pretty boys.
How very dare you! I've
never been so insulted.
Wait, you mean that
you are not a…
Who, dear? Me, dear?
Gay, dear? No, dear.
I just assume…
You assthume? You assthume?
Just because a man spends a
little too much on hand cream
and knows all the lines
to All About Eve,
you accuse him of being a
receiver of swollen goods.
I didn't mean anything by it.
How very, very dare you!
Twenty-five years mother and I
have been coming to this island
and I've never heard
anything like it.
Never in all me born.
I find you
impertinento.
- Look, my friend…
- Stop the car, we'll walk.
Homolulu.
How very dare you!
- This is gonna be fierce.
- Innit, though?
Ryan's gonna be well impressed
when he sees what I'm doing.
When he sees what
I'm doing, mate.
- But he'll be looking at me, though.
- But he'll be looking at me, though.
But he's only got
eyes for me, is it?
But I am well better
than you, mate.
- But you're dreaming.
- But I ain't, though.
- But you are, though.
- But I ain't, though.
Well, let's find
out then, is it?
- Liz.
- One, two, three, four.
♪ Oh, Ryan, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Ryan! Hey, Ryan!
♪ Oh, Ryan, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Ryan! Hey, Ryan!
♪ Oh, Ryan, what a pity
you don't understand
♪ You take me by the heart
when you take me by the hand
♪ Oh, Ryan, you're so pretty
Can't you understand?
♪ It's guys like you, Ryan!
♪ Oh, what you do, Ryan, do, Ryan
♪ Don't break my heart, Ryan
♪ Hey, Ryan! ♪
That was well good
cheer leading.
But she can't even cheer
lead like I can, is it?
- No way, mate. Your moves are fierce.
- Innit, though?
But whose moves
are better, mate?
You are so the best cheerleader
in Tunbridge Wells.
But she can't even
cheer lead, is it?
- What you chatting about?
- I ain't chatting about nothing.
- But I heard you chatting.
- Didn't hear me chatting.
- Did you hear her chatting?
- I heard her chatting.
- Did you hear me chatting?
- I didn't hear you chatting.
- I weren't even chatting.
- See, look you're chatting.
- Who told you I was chatting?
- I can hear you chatting.
Well, shut up, then.
You can't even cheer
lead, though.
But you can't throw
my shapes, mate.
- I so can.
- But you can't even freestyle.
- But I can, though.
- You can't, though.
- But I can, though.
- But you can't, though.
- But I can, though.
- But is it that you can do this?
Is it that you can do this?
But is it that you can do this?
That is well shameful.
- You are, you mean.
- But you look like a numpty.
Yeah? You're just jealous.
But you don't even know anything
about American football, though.
But I do, though.
But you don't even know what
position Ryan plays in.
- Yes, I do, though.
- No, you don't, though.
- Yes, I do, mate.
- No, you don't, mate.
You are so lame.
What position does
Ryan play, then?
Quarter pounder.
You what, mate?
Quarter pounder, is it?
- It's a quarterback, mate.
- What?
It's quarterback.
Quarter pounder,
that is well bad.
You thought he was a
burger, take the shame.
Quarter pounder! Do you
want some fries with that?
All right?
ALL: All right?
I is well good at that.
Let's chip.
Am not bovvered?
- But, mate.
- Am I bovvered, though?
- But listen…
- I ain't even bovvered.
- No.
- But I ain't even bovvered, though.
- Yeah…
- Do you think I'm bovvered?
- No…
- I ain't bovvered. Is my face bovvered?
- But did you…
- Is my face bovvered, though?
- Yeah, but…
- Is this the face of bovvered?
- Take the shame.
- No, 'cause I ain't even bovvered.
But he just walked in here…
Don't even care 'cause
I ain't bovvered.
- But he just walked in here…
- Who did, mate?
- Ryan just walked in here.
- No, he didn't.
Ryan just walked in here
and snogged her face off.
- I didn't even see him.
- But he come in here with his helmet on.
But that was a spaceman.
No, mate, that was Ryan.
He come in here with his helmet on,
stuck his tongue down her throat
and left you stood
here like a Muppet!
- Face, bovvered?
- Mate…
- Look, face. Am I bovvered?
- just, yeah…
- Lauren…
- Look at my face, I ain't even bovvered.
- Look, face, bovvered?
- Yeah, but…
Quarter pounder, I
ain't even bovvered.
Pom-pom, cheerleaders,
I ain't even bovvered.
Look, face, bovvered?
I ain't bovvered.
I ain't bovvered. Look, face.
Quarter pounders. Gherkins.
- I ain't even bovvered.
- You…
I don't even care.
I ain't even bovvered.
Look, mayonnaise. I
ain't even bovvered.
I ain't even bovvered. Tomato sauce.
I ain't even bovvered.
Don't care. I'm on the Atkins,
I don't want the bun.
- I ain't even bovvered.
- Please… Listen…
I ain't bovvered. Look, face, bovvered?
Face, look, bovvered? Give me a "B"
- What?
- Give me a "B".
- What?
- Give me a "B".
- Why?
- Just give me a "B".
Just give me a "B".
Just give me a "B".
- "B."
- Give me an "O".
- "O".
- Give me a "V".
- "V"
- Give me another "V".
- "V".
- Do you see where I'm going with this?
- Mate, I was just…
- Give me an "I".
- "I"
- Give me an "ain't".
- "Ain't."
- Give me a "bovvered".
What have you got?
I ain't bovvered!
I forgot my helmet.
- Morning, Neville.
- Morning, Irene.
Oh, I'm just about ready
for my bed, Neville.
It's been like Spaghetti
Junction here today.
- Double cheese burger, no chips?
- That's the ticket.
You will not believe who was stood there
stuffing her face with onion rings,
not two hours hence.
- Who was that, then?
- Black woman.
Big toothy grin. Done
all right for herself.
- American.
- Diana Ross?
What, here? No!
Vernon, what was her name?
Condoleezza Rice.
- The security advisor to President Bush?
- Yeah.
I could smell the booze
from here, she reeked.
- Been out on a bender, I suppose.
- That's it.
She'd been caning it big
stylie down Gossips.
Well, it was ladies'
night, wasn't it?
Rolled up here with the
munchies on the way home.
To America?
No, she's staying with her auntie
Betty at the Jackson Heights estate.
Dreading going back, she was, on
account of the lifts being out.
So she's from around
here originally?
Davenport Street. Her
dad ran the tyre shop.
Here, I cracked a joke.
I said, "Here, Condoleezza
Rice, I know your sister."
She goes, "What, our Lafecia?"
I goes, "No, Eggy Fried."
She nearly wet herself.
- Any sauce?
- No, thanks.
- Can I settle up with you on Friday?
- Of course you can, Neville.
Bye-bye, Neville.
Oh, don't start.
My name's Sam Speed,
Detective Sergeant Sam
Speed, Thames Valley Police.
In 2005, I was on a
routine enquiry,
when this happened.
I was hit by a car travelling
at 50 miles an hour.
When I woke up, it was 1957.
Am I dead, in a coma
or gone back in time?
You all right, guv'nor?
Looks like you come a right nasty
cropper there, so it does.
How about we help you
back on your bike?
Whatever's happened, it's like
I've landed on a different Planet
This is my house.
At least, it looks like my house.
Hello, son, I've
been expecting you.
I'm Mrs Willow, but
everyone calls me Ma.
Been expecting me?
Well, you're here for
the room, ain't you?
Now, listen up. House rules.
If you want any supper, you'll
be back indoors by 6:30.
It's liver on Monday,
suet on Tuesday.
Liver on Wednesday, suet on
Thursday, fish and chips on Friday.
On Saturday, it's a surprise and
it's a roast on the Sabbath.
You'll be in your bed by 10:00 and
sat down for your breakfast by 7:00.
You can have bread and dripping
during the week, porridge on Saturday
and a good Suffolk sausage
every second Sunday.
If you see my Jeannie knocking about
the place, you're to leave her alone.
She's of a ripe age, but
she's promised to a farmer.
Because I'll tell you this,
police fella or no police fella,
if you give me any trouble,
you'll be out of that door
quicker than you can
say doolally tap.
Well, don't stand there on the
doorstep dawdling like a dullard,
people will think I'm a
scarlet woman, so they will.
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Is everything all right?
No, my salsa partner has gone back to
South America to open a salsa school.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
No, who else am I
gonna dance with?
Isn't there anyone else
at your salsa class?
They're all beginners.
It's very hard to find someone
who can really dance salsa.
- I can do that.
- You salsa?
Do I ever.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Hey, can you tell me when
you're gonna do that?
- You don't salsa at all, do you?
- Yes, I do.
Come on, let's do that thing
where you spin around!
Olé!
♪ Well
♪ You know you make me wanna shout
♪ Look, my heart is thumping
♪ Shout
♪ Look, my hands are jumping
♪ Shout
♪ Throw my head back
♪ Shout
♪ Come on now! ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend, pet?
- Lovely, thank you.
We took Michaela and her
friends out for a picnic.
Did her eczema put everyone
off their sausage rolls?
- No, that's all cleared up.
- Good.
'Cause watching someone scratch
themselves till they bleed
is not everyone's
idea of eating out.
She's fine now.
Can I borrow your nice
four-colour Biro?
Yeah, sure.
I'll tell you what it is.
Me and some of the other girls down
at the Gateshead Community Centre
are doing a little fundraiser
next Saturday afternoon.
Oh, what are you doing?
We're doing a round the
clock pancake flip
for all the little victims of
sexual harassment in the workplace.
That is a really worthy cause.
Aye, it is.
Did you know that
every 38 minutes
some unsuspecting a little
temp in a short skirt
bends over to file something
in the bottom drawer
and gets shagged up the arse?
Every 38 minutes?
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website,
www.bummedbytheboss
How much shall I
put you down for?
How about 15p an hour?
£3.40?
For all those poor little
secretaries in their vest tops,
who every time they open
their mouths to yawn
someone shoves a cock in it?
Put me down… Put me down for £4.
£4 for all those half-dressed
little dolly birds
whose only thanks for franking
the mail of a Friday afternoon
is a face full of jizz.
Just can't splash it about.
I mean… I didn't…
Aye, that's it.
Laugh it up.
Maybe you'd feel a little differently
if you got flashed on a regular basis
by the lads from Accounts.
- Really, it's all I can afford.
- £4 it is, then.
- I'd like to give you more but…
- Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want it
to come between us, pet.
Oi, Martin, get your laughing
gear round those, son.
Sit down and take
the weight off.
Make some space for
the young fella.
Or better still, get that backside
of yours back down the gasworks.
Look at the time. They've told you
once about your jiggery-pokery.
You'll be out on your ear,
and then see what you get.
I've make us nice pot
of Lipton's tea.
Piping hot, if you don't mind.
There are some cigarettes on the side.
Help yourself, why don't you?
Thanks, but I don't smoke.
What is the matter, lad? You
feeling a little elsewhere?
No, I don't smoke.
Stick one behind your ear for
later, when you're feeling better.
I bet your guts is
hanging out, ain't they?
Get that down you,
that will fill a hole.
- What's this?
- It's Saturday surprise.
I don't eat meat.
Stop talking gibberish
and eat your giblets.
No, I'm a vegetarian.
Well, blow me down.
I never met a real one.
And a police officer to boot.
They usually go into show
business, don't they?
Ma, you seen me stays?
Oh, pardon me, I didn't
know we had company.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
Detective Sergeant Sam
Speed, Thames Valley Police.
You keep your eyes out front
and your smiles for your mother.
Don't go putting any ideas
into my Jeannie's head.
She's a big enough
dreamer as it is.
I've told you before, she's
betrothed to the son of a farmer
and we need the onions.
- I can dream, Mum.
- You'll do no such thing.
Remember what your
grandmother used to say,
"Slow and steady wins the race"
"but no good will come
from a one-eyed sailor."
Now go into the pantry and help
your father organise his boots.
Get your hat off the table, son,
you're not at home any more, you know.
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
- Anyone home?
- Hello, Vi.
Vi, whatever is the matter?
You do look queer.
Here, I've had ever
such a fright.
I just seen the new family
moving in to number 47.
Yes?
Black as your hat, they are,
every last one of them.
Oh, Vi.
My Nelly came over all unnecessary
when she clapped eyes on them.
What a thing to happen!
Now, pull yourself together, getting
yourself all hot and bothered.
Come one, come all,
that's what I say.
As long as they are decent,
law-abiding citizens,
there's no reason why we
can't all live together
side by side in
peace and harmony.
However, if they think they
can start knocking on my door
with bones through their noses,
they're very much mistaken.
- You can't say that.
- Who's this?
Oh, take no notice of coppertop here.
He's had a knock on the head.
Why, look at the time.
It's 6:10 and we haven't
had a singsong yet.
- Oh!
- Come into the parlour, Vi.
Bit of cheering up
is what you need.
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
ALL: ♪ I dillied and dallied
Dallied and dillied
♪ Lost me way and don't
know where to roam
♪ You can't trust a special
like the old-time coppers
♪ When you can't
find your way home ♪
(SHRILL LAUGHTER)
What's the matter, Sammy? Are
you not a singer of songs?
Not really. Well, I
mean, I know a few.
Oh, I should love
to hear you sing.
You keep your eyes out
front, young woman.
Budge up, Herbert.
Come on then, son. Let's
see what you're made of.
(PLAYING LET IT BE ON PIANO)
♪ When I find myself
in times of trouble
♪ Mother Mary comes to me
♪ Speaking words of wisdom
♪ Let it be ♪
What a bleeding racket!
You trying to deafen us all?
Oh, my lugholes!
Come on, look sharp, Herbert.
Go and stand over there, son.
You've embarrassed
yourself, so you have.
Oh, Vi, what a load
of bleeding rubbish.
(PLAYING PIANO)
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
♪ Have a banana
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
♪ Have a banana
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
♪ Have a banana
♪ Let's all go down the Strand
Have a banana ♪
JOOLS HOLLAND: No, it's a disaster.
The drummer's got food poisoning.
We're gonna start the
show in 10 minutes.
Course they can't do the show
without a drummer. It's ridiculous.
It's a disaster.
What's wrong?
Well, The Divine
Comedy, a great group,
they're on the show, and their
drummer's got food poisoning.
We're about to start in 10 minutes
and we don't have a drummer.
So we can't do the show.
I can do that.
- Drum?
- Yeah.
Well, come through this way.
That's great.
(PLAYING GENERATION SEX)
♪ Generation sex
♪ Respects the rights… ♪
Sorry, is your
guitar out of tune?
(DOOR CLOSING)
- Is that you, darling?
- All right, Nan?
Oh, thank God you're here.
I'm frightened out me life.
Oh, it's only a mouse, Nan.
Little bastard's been
getting at me all day.
Come on, Nan, get down.
I've been stood up here
since 7:00 this morning.
Are you sure you've
seen a mouse, Nan?
Course I'm sure, it's
been up me leg twice.
It's tore me tights to pieces.
Well, look, it's all right now.
I'm here.
And the attitude of it.
Oh, it's unbelievable.
Soon as I get into bed at night,
he stands outside my
door and laughs at me.
Nan, he's not laughing at you.
Not much he ain't. He gets all
his little mousy mates round,
and they come up here, and they slide
about on my lino until morning.
They think it's a
fucking country club.
- There he is.
- Where?
- There it is.
- I can't see it.
- There it is!
- Come on, Nan
I bet he's gone in me
kitchen, greedy little git.
It's already gnawed
through a box of Ritz.
Now, don't get me wrong,
they are very moreish,
but he ain't got
to eat them all.
Have you put anything
down for it?
Yeah, I put a little mattress
down by the sideboard.
What's the matter with you?
I mean poison.
There's a bucket load of it in there,
but he turns his nose up at it.
He ain't got any room, see,
'cause he's stuffed his mousy
guts full of crackers.
(CLANGING)
Oh, there it is!
No, it's all right, Nan,
it's just the post.
What, he's using my address now?
He'll be getting me to go and
cash his mousy Giro next.
What a fucking liberty!
- Look, there he is.
- Oh, where?
Next to the microwave.
He's eyeing up me mint
Viscounts, the bastard!
Now, get in there,
son, and sort him out.
I can't use this.
He's been terrorising
me for a fortnight.
Now, you'd get in there quick
enough if Stephen Gately asked you.
Go on, son. Get in there before
he tears the place apart.
- No, Nan.
- Now, it's making my nerves bad.
(CRASHING)
I've done it, Nan.
- Did you do it?
- Yeah.
- Finished?
- All done.
- Is it gone?
- Yeah, I killed it.
You what?
- I killed it.
- You did what?
- I killed the mouse.
- You fucking murdering bastard!
But you asked me to.
I only wanted you to shoo
it gently on its way.
Not pulverise its little
mousy brains out.
- I thought that's what you wanted.
- What, to kill me lovely little Mickey?
It was the only bit
of company I had.
Be round about this time we'd be
settling in to watch Countdown.
I'd throw him a lump of cheese,
you wouldn't hear a peep
out of him till Emmerdale.
Oh, I'll miss him.
I don't know what to say.
I used to put Radio 2
on in the afternoon,
and he'd run up and
down them curtains.
He was a born entertainer.
I'm sorry, Nan.
I'll never be able to look a
Ritz cracker in the face again.
- I said I'm sorry.
- No, it's all right, son.
You weren't to know.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Look, there's a rat!
- Where?
You fucking old Mary-Ann!
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey! Hey, Mickey!
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
♪ Hey, Mickey! ♪
(MICKEY PLAYING)