The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
Three double cheeseburgers,
three large fries,
one special salad and three Diet Cokes.
And would you like a dessert with that?
- Um…
- You get a free dessert
'cause you spent
over £10, is it?
Actually, I think that's fine.
Thank you.
Have you got everything from
your server that you asked for?
- Sorry, everything that I…
- Asked for.
Is it that you got everything from
your server that you asked for?
Um, yeah, thank you.
But is this the best that you
ever been served in a burger bar?
I'm sorry?
Is it that that I am the best server
you have ever seen in a burger bar?
- Well, you're certainly very efficient.
- Employee of the month, though.
Well, that's a great achievement.
I'm gonna go now.
- Are you employee of the month, though?
- Uh, no, I'm not.
So, you've never been
employee of the month, then?
I'm afraid my firm of lawyers
don't have employee of the month.
Well, shut up, then.
(SMACKING LIPS)
Can I…
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What are you doing?
- What?
- You work in a burger bar.
- No, I don't.
- That is well bad.
- I don't work here, though.
- But you're standing behind the counter.
Yeah, well, I got bored
waiting for my order.
- So, why are you in that uniform?
- Right, this ain't a uniform.
- Why are you wearing it, then?
- I ain't wearing it.
- But it says your name on it.
- That ain't my name.
- It says, "Lauren."
- No, it don't.
"Welcome to Billy's Burger Bar.
My name is Lauren."
- Are you laughing at me?
- Yeah, man.
- Right. Do you think it's funny?
- Yeah, it's well funny.
- Do you wash cars for a living?
- What?
- Do you wash cars for 3.50 an hour?
- Shut up.
Are your best mates at
work all from Poland?
You are employee of
the month, though.
- No, I ain't, though.
- But that is your photograph, mate.
- Uh, no, it ain't.
- That is well bad.
You're gonna sell burgers
for the rest of your life.
- Are you saying I'm fat?
- No, I'm just saying…
- Are you saying I should be American?
- No, I'm not. I'm…
- Am I a big, fat Yank, though?
- No, you're not.
- Are you calling my mum a lardarse?
- No, I'm not.
Are you saying they need a crane
to get my dad out of bed?
Are you saying I've
got dinner-lady arms?
Lauren, it's 1:00.
Lauren, it's Billy Burger Hour.
Come on.
Billy Burger mask. That is sick.
Am I bovvered?
- Am I bovvered, though?
- No, but…
I ain't even bovvered.
- I ain't even bovvered, though.
- Yeah, but…
- Look at my face. Look at my face.
- GIRL: Just…
Look at my face.
- GIRL: Yeah, but…
- Does it look bovvered?
No, it looks like Billy Burger.
- Are you calling me Billy Burger?
- But you are Billy Burger.
- No, I ain't Billy Burger.
- But that is Billy Burger.
- That ain't Billy Burger.
- It is, though.
- It ain't, though.
- It is, though.
It ain't Billy Burger!
You do look like him, though.
Right, face, bovvered.
- Am I bovvered, though?
- No, I'm just saying…
I ain't bovvered. Look at my face.
Look at my face.
- Billy Burger, face.
- No, listen…
No, I ain't even bovvered.
Polish. Carwash. Lardarse.
Face, bovvered.
Can I have a double
cheeseburger, please?
Do you want fries with that?
Now, remember what Daddy
told you about sports day.
BOTH: That taking
part is everything.
To win with dignity
and lose with pride in the knowledge
that you did your absolute best.
Remember, whatever
happens here today,
Mummy and Daddy are
immensely proud of you.
Thank you, Mummy.
Okay, darlings, now,
it's nearly time.
(SPEAKING LATIN)
MAN ON PA: In lane one,
Chloe Taylor-Thomas.
In lane two, Thomas
Taylor-Thomas.
In lane three, Imogene
Fitzroy-Ferguson.
In lane four, Fergus
Fitzroy-Ferguson.
In lane five, Amelia
Harvey-Henry.
And in lane six,
Henry Harvey-Henry.
On your marks.
Get set.
Go!
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
No!
It's the eggs!
They're not organic!
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
ULSTER MUM: And I said to her,
"Don't think I don't know"
"about your Tommy's extended
sick leave, either."
"Repetitive strain
injury, my eye."
"It's the drink that's
his problem, so it is,"
- "and don't think we don't know it."
- So it is.
She says to me, "Don't you dare
talk about my Tommy like that."
I said to her, "I'll talk about
your Tommy however I like",
"so help me God. The lazy, good
for nothing, lowlife, skiving drunk."
- Isn't that the truth?
- And then she had the audacity
- to call me a liar.
- Mummy.
Did you get any work today, son?
Aye, I picked up a bit of hod
carrying down at the quarry.
Good man. Me, a liar? I said to
her, "Who do you think you are,"
- "hurling insults around like that?"
- Mummy.
I've done you bacon and
potatoes for your tea.
I said to her, "There's
only one liar around here,"
"and that's you, and
that's no lie."
- You told her that?
- Indeed I did.
Mummy, I need to speak to you.
Have you been fighting with the
McVie brothers again, Johnny?
- Have you?
- No, it's not that.
Have you been joyriding
around this estate?
'Cause if you have, your feet
will not touch the ground.
No, Mummy.
Have you gotten Mary McCatherty's
daughter into trouble?
Mummy, please, if
you'd just listen…
Well, would you spit it out, son?
What's the matter with you?
I'm gay.
I'm a gay man.
You're a what?
I'm a gay man now, Mummy.
Are you sure?
Aye.
Great. I have a new
pencil skirt upstairs.
Come on and see if I've
got the hips for it.
A gay man now.
What a godsend!
(EXCLAIMS)
(SNIFFING)
Oh, God.
(DOOR CLOSING)
- Is that you, darling?
- Yeah.
- Did they get off all right?
- All packed up and ready to go.
Oh, I will miss them.
That's the last of
them now, innit?
Poor Lena died last year.
Don't see old Kate since she
went to live with her daughter.
And now they've carted poor Tommy
and Dolly off to the nut house.
Nan, it's not a nut house,
it's sheltered accommodation.
Call it what you like, love.
They'll still be splashing about
in their own piddle come teatime.
Well, at least they've
not split them up.
Well, you can't split
up twins, darling.
Tommy and Dolly Mostow lived
together for 60-odd years.
- Are they inseparable?
- No, they ain't Siamese.
I mean, that is dreadful,
that, though, innit, eh?
I mean, when they're joined at
the hip, they got half a chance,
but when it's one great, walloping
head and two bodies hanging off it…
You don't know where to look.
All right, Nan.
No, no, I see a programme
about it on the telly.
American pair, they are. One of
them rolls about on a trolley,
the other one's a country
and western singer.
I mean, fair's fair. I'm all
for the Special Olympics,
but they ain't gotta make
fucking records, have they?
Nan, I didn't mean that.
I meant, are they close?
They're stuck together at the head.
How close do you want them?
I meant Dolly and Tommy.
Oh, what? Oh, yeah. Oh, they're
devoted to each other, darling.
They never lived more than 10 minutes
apart, even when they were married.
Oh, we have had some laughs over the
years, though. I know that much.
During the war, we was all evacuated
together down to Wiltshire.
We ended up in a lovely old farmhouse
with a big dung heap out the back.
Oh, she was a beast, though,
the woman who looked after us.
She made us leave our
shoes at the door.
(SOBBING) I'll never
forget the first letter
Dolly and Tommy wrote home.
It said, "Mother, get us on
the first train out of here."
"She won't let us wear
shoes in the house,"
"and there's a big pile
of shit in the garden."
(FARTS)
Oh, that was one I didn't want.
Nan.
Oh, well, ta-Ra,
Tom, ta-Ra, Doll.
That's the end of an era, that is.
Oh, I'm all on me own now, ain't I?
Oh, Nan, I nearly forgot. They
asked me to give you this.
- What is it?
- A little present.
Oh, they didn't have to do that.
Oh, ain't that kind of them?
Oh, I weren't expecting that.
Oh, that's choked
me up, that has.
Well, look at that, eh. That's
cost a few quid, innit?
It's a wooden squirrel.
It's a wooden fucking squirrel.
Seventy years I've known them,
and they got a lump of wood and
made a squirrel out of it.
What a fucking liberty!
Look, there's an inscription.
(CLEARING THROAT)
"Some people come into our
lives and go quickly."
"Others stay a while, leave
their footprints on our heart"
"and we are never,
ever the same."
Oh, they want shooting,
they really do.
Nan, Dolly and Tommy don't have much,
but they still wanted to buy you this.
It might not be a lot, but it's
a token of their gratitude
for all the years of friendship
and good times you had together.
It's a fucking squirrel!
Oi, Mostows.
Yeah, both of you.
Take your friendship,
take your good times,
take your fucking squirrel and
shove it up your twin arses!
(FARTS)
Oh, these shoes are tight.
No, it's okay. It's fine.
- Yeah, look, I'll speak to you Monday.
- Okay. Bye.
- Damn, that is so annoying.
- What's up?
Well, I'm supposed to be
playing tennis tomorrow
and my usual partner's
just let me down.
I've got a big
tournament next week,
and I need someone really
good to practise with.
- I can do that.
- Really? You play?
- Yeah.
- You free tomorrow?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Let's just have a quick knock up.
- Yeah, just a minute.
Play.
Play on.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I don't know what's
the matter with me today.
I shouldn't have eaten
all that mashed potato.
(GRUNTS)
So, what balls are
you playing with?
Tennis.
Yeah, I thought so.
(GRUNTS)
Out.
- Have you ever played tennis before?
- Yeah, all the time.
Come on, do one of those lobs,
and I'll do under the leg thing.
You're good. Do you know that?
You're really good.
- Thanks.
- Can I have a go at firing one now?
- Oh, you can't miss it from there.
- No way.
(MAN COMMENTATING ON TV)
John.
John.
- John.
- Aye.
He's nice, isn't he, John?
- Go on.
- Oh, come on. Come on.
Are you blind or what?
John.
John.
Oh, he is nice. Do
you like him, John?
That's enough, Mummy.
Did you hear about
our John, Kieran?
He's a gay man now.
Aye, I know.
- Fifteen million, he's worth.
- Aye, right.
John, would you look
at the buns on him.
For God's sake, Mummy.
I would.
Would you give over?
Just because I'm gay,
it doesn't mean I think
about sex all the time.
Now, would you calm down
and let us watch the match?
Ah, but, John.
I bet he's got a
really nice cock.
♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning
♪ Oh, what a beautiful day
♪ I've got a beautiful feeling
♪ Everything's going my way ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend?
- Oh, it was lovely.
Michaela had her school play.
How did she do? 'Cause I
was worried about her,
what with her being remedial
and borderline dyslexic.
She was great, and she looked so
cute in her little fairy costume.
I couldn't be happier for you.
- Can I borrow your nice, red Biro?
- Yeah, sure.
I'll tell you what it is. Me
and some of the other girls
down at the Union of Catholic Mothers
are doing a little fundraiser.
Oh, another one.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
I'm doing a fun run dressed
as a bottle of Cinzano.
For all the little battered
husbands of Gateshead.
Battered husbands? Is that a
serious problem in Gateshead?
Did you know that
every 38 minutes
some poor little fellow, who,
when his wife calls his name,
cowers in a corner
and shits his pants?
Wow. I didn't know that.
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website,
No, I do believe you. How
far are you running?
Forty-two miles.
- Forty-two miles?
- It's not far, pet.
Not when you think of all
those poor little chaps
whose only thanks for clearing
away the breakfast dishes
is a bottle in the face. How
much shall I put you down for?
Oh, God, yeah. Well, put
me down for 10p a mile.
10p a mile.
£4.20
to lug an eight-foot
fibreglass bottle of Cinzano
42 miles.
For all those poor, wee lads who
cannae stand up to their missus,
'cause they know, in their
heart, they're as soft as shite.
Right, yeah, I see what you mean.
Twenty pence, then.
£8.40.
- It's just that…
- No, £8.40 it is, pet.
- It's all I can afford.
- Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want
it to come between us.
Now you know what it feels like.
So I said to him, "Don't
think we don't know"
"what you been saying about
us behind our backs, either."
Right.
(BANGING)
- Well, Rosemary.
- Well, Kathleen.
Will you be marching with
us on Sunday, Rosemary?
Aye, we'll show the bastards.
- How's your Martin?
- Fine.
- He'll be out soon, no doubt.
- Fifteen years.
Aye, well, he's a hard man,
but he's a principled man.
Aye, he is that.
Did you hear about our John?
He's a gay man now.
Is that so?
Pop round later, John. We've just had
new tongue and groove in our bathroom.
You will die.
- Mind if I join you?
- No, of course not.
You finally got out of
your meeting, then?
Yeah.
(MOBILE BEEPING)
- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What's wrong?
(SIGHING)
One of our curling team's just
dropped out of tonight's match.
Oh, no, it's a really
important game as well.
I can do that.
- You're a curler?
- Yeah.
- My friends are quite good.
- Great.
Okay, I'm only gonna play enough weight
just to tap it back to the 12 foot.
Two-eight be enough
weight, do you think?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
No!
- Well.
- Well.
- Well.
- Well.
Is it true your
john's a gay man now?
Aye.
What of it?
Right.
Do these turn-ups work
with these boots?
- So, who we visiting today?
- Teddy Morris, innit?
I've told you about
him a thousand times.
What a character.
Oh, we have had some
laughs over the years.
He'd have us in stitches.
What a mimic. He could
take anyone off.
It was like they were sitting
in the room next to you.
His Chairman Mao was uncanny.
He could have turned
professional, you know.
But, of course, he
didn't need to.
He was one of the finest
paedophiles in London.
What?
Oh, what he didn't know about
feet was no one's business.
Hello.
- There he is.
- Oh.
- There he is.
- Oh.
- Hello, Ted. You all right, darling?
- Yeah.
- I've come up to see you, ain't I?
- Oh, right.
(CACKLING)
Oh, isn't it lovely
to see… Oh, here.
Oh, dear.
(GROANING)
Oh, go on then, now. Oh, there he goes.
Oh, God.
Go and have a pony. That's it.
(CACKLING)
He don't care. He just don't care.
He's an absolute classic.
There he is. Oh!
Oh, come here, Ted. Come here, love.
God help us all.
(SIGHING)
There we go. Here, Ted.
My grandson, Jamie, go on,
show him your Chairman Mao.
(LAUGHING) Wait
till you see this.
Oh, he's spark out.
Oh, well. Oh, never mind,
let's come back tomorrow.
Poor sod's exhausted. Here,
give him the present.
Here, I won't wake you, Ted,
but I'll leave the present
there, sweetheart.
I'll see you soon. God
bless, sweetheart.
Excuse me, darling, Mr
Morris has fallen asleep,
but we left a lovely present there for him.
Would you make sure he gets it?
- Of course.
- Much obliged to you, sweetheart.
Lazy mare.
Nurse. Nurse. Do you know
where my visitors went?
Well, you feel asleep, Mr
Morris, so they've gone home.
- Oh.
- But they've left you a present.
Oh, really? Oh, a present.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, good. Yeah.
Oh.
"Some people come into our
lives and go quickly."
"Others stay a while,"
"leave their footprints on our heart
and we are never, ever the same."
What a fucking liberty.
Oh, no. Jesus.
You all right?
No, I'm having a bit of
a nightmare, actually.
What's the matter?
Well, I've got all the international
CEOs from around the world in this room.
In 10 minutes, the annual
summit's supposed to take place.
They've flown thousands
of miles to get here
and my translator
hasn't turned up.
I need to find someone who can translate
into seven different languages.
Well, I can do that.
- Really?
- Yeah, I did a TEFL in my gap year.
Welcome back to London,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is Helen Marsh, who'll
be our interpreter today.
So, without further ado, let's
address section one, point one,
multinational profiteering for
the financial year 2005-2006.
Helen.
(MIMICKING FRENCH)
(MIMICKING SPANISH)
(MIMICKING SWEDISH)
(MIMICKING HINDI)
(MIMICKING ITALIAN)
(MIMICKING CHINESE)
(MIMICKING AN AFRICAN LANGUAGE)
(IN AFRICAN ACCENT)
This is not my sandwich.
(IRISH MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
three large fries,
one special salad and three Diet Cokes.
And would you like a dessert with that?
- Um…
- You get a free dessert
'cause you spent
over £10, is it?
Actually, I think that's fine.
Thank you.
Have you got everything from
your server that you asked for?
- Sorry, everything that I…
- Asked for.
Is it that you got everything from
your server that you asked for?
Um, yeah, thank you.
But is this the best that you
ever been served in a burger bar?
I'm sorry?
Is it that that I am the best server
you have ever seen in a burger bar?
- Well, you're certainly very efficient.
- Employee of the month, though.
Well, that's a great achievement.
I'm gonna go now.
- Are you employee of the month, though?
- Uh, no, I'm not.
So, you've never been
employee of the month, then?
I'm afraid my firm of lawyers
don't have employee of the month.
Well, shut up, then.
(SMACKING LIPS)
Can I…
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What are you doing?
- What?
- You work in a burger bar.
- No, I don't.
- That is well bad.
- I don't work here, though.
- But you're standing behind the counter.
Yeah, well, I got bored
waiting for my order.
- So, why are you in that uniform?
- Right, this ain't a uniform.
- Why are you wearing it, then?
- I ain't wearing it.
- But it says your name on it.
- That ain't my name.
- It says, "Lauren."
- No, it don't.
"Welcome to Billy's Burger Bar.
My name is Lauren."
- Are you laughing at me?
- Yeah, man.
- Right. Do you think it's funny?
- Yeah, it's well funny.
- Do you wash cars for a living?
- What?
- Do you wash cars for 3.50 an hour?
- Shut up.
Are your best mates at
work all from Poland?
You are employee of
the month, though.
- No, I ain't, though.
- But that is your photograph, mate.
- Uh, no, it ain't.
- That is well bad.
You're gonna sell burgers
for the rest of your life.
- Are you saying I'm fat?
- No, I'm just saying…
- Are you saying I should be American?
- No, I'm not. I'm…
- Am I a big, fat Yank, though?
- No, you're not.
- Are you calling my mum a lardarse?
- No, I'm not.
Are you saying they need a crane
to get my dad out of bed?
Are you saying I've
got dinner-lady arms?
Lauren, it's 1:00.
Lauren, it's Billy Burger Hour.
Come on.
Billy Burger mask. That is sick.
Am I bovvered?
- Am I bovvered, though?
- No, but…
I ain't even bovvered.
- I ain't even bovvered, though.
- Yeah, but…
- Look at my face. Look at my face.
- GIRL: Just…
Look at my face.
- GIRL: Yeah, but…
- Does it look bovvered?
No, it looks like Billy Burger.
- Are you calling me Billy Burger?
- But you are Billy Burger.
- No, I ain't Billy Burger.
- But that is Billy Burger.
- That ain't Billy Burger.
- It is, though.
- It ain't, though.
- It is, though.
It ain't Billy Burger!
You do look like him, though.
Right, face, bovvered.
- Am I bovvered, though?
- No, I'm just saying…
I ain't bovvered. Look at my face.
Look at my face.
- Billy Burger, face.
- No, listen…
No, I ain't even bovvered.
Polish. Carwash. Lardarse.
Face, bovvered.
Can I have a double
cheeseburger, please?
Do you want fries with that?
Now, remember what Daddy
told you about sports day.
BOTH: That taking
part is everything.
To win with dignity
and lose with pride in the knowledge
that you did your absolute best.
Remember, whatever
happens here today,
Mummy and Daddy are
immensely proud of you.
Thank you, Mummy.
Okay, darlings, now,
it's nearly time.
(SPEAKING LATIN)
MAN ON PA: In lane one,
Chloe Taylor-Thomas.
In lane two, Thomas
Taylor-Thomas.
In lane three, Imogene
Fitzroy-Ferguson.
In lane four, Fergus
Fitzroy-Ferguson.
In lane five, Amelia
Harvey-Henry.
And in lane six,
Henry Harvey-Henry.
On your marks.
Get set.
Go!
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
No!
It's the eggs!
They're not organic!
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
ULSTER MUM: And I said to her,
"Don't think I don't know"
"about your Tommy's extended
sick leave, either."
"Repetitive strain
injury, my eye."
"It's the drink that's
his problem, so it is,"
- "and don't think we don't know it."
- So it is.
She says to me, "Don't you dare
talk about my Tommy like that."
I said to her, "I'll talk about
your Tommy however I like",
"so help me God. The lazy, good
for nothing, lowlife, skiving drunk."
- Isn't that the truth?
- And then she had the audacity
- to call me a liar.
- Mummy.
Did you get any work today, son?
Aye, I picked up a bit of hod
carrying down at the quarry.
Good man. Me, a liar? I said to
her, "Who do you think you are,"
- "hurling insults around like that?"
- Mummy.
I've done you bacon and
potatoes for your tea.
I said to her, "There's
only one liar around here,"
"and that's you, and
that's no lie."
- You told her that?
- Indeed I did.
Mummy, I need to speak to you.
Have you been fighting with the
McVie brothers again, Johnny?
- Have you?
- No, it's not that.
Have you been joyriding
around this estate?
'Cause if you have, your feet
will not touch the ground.
No, Mummy.
Have you gotten Mary McCatherty's
daughter into trouble?
Mummy, please, if
you'd just listen…
Well, would you spit it out, son?
What's the matter with you?
I'm gay.
I'm a gay man.
You're a what?
I'm a gay man now, Mummy.
Are you sure?
Aye.
Great. I have a new
pencil skirt upstairs.
Come on and see if I've
got the hips for it.
A gay man now.
What a godsend!
(EXCLAIMS)
(SNIFFING)
Oh, God.
(DOOR CLOSING)
- Is that you, darling?
- Yeah.
- Did they get off all right?
- All packed up and ready to go.
Oh, I will miss them.
That's the last of
them now, innit?
Poor Lena died last year.
Don't see old Kate since she
went to live with her daughter.
And now they've carted poor Tommy
and Dolly off to the nut house.
Nan, it's not a nut house,
it's sheltered accommodation.
Call it what you like, love.
They'll still be splashing about
in their own piddle come teatime.
Well, at least they've
not split them up.
Well, you can't split
up twins, darling.
Tommy and Dolly Mostow lived
together for 60-odd years.
- Are they inseparable?
- No, they ain't Siamese.
I mean, that is dreadful,
that, though, innit, eh?
I mean, when they're joined at
the hip, they got half a chance,
but when it's one great, walloping
head and two bodies hanging off it…
You don't know where to look.
All right, Nan.
No, no, I see a programme
about it on the telly.
American pair, they are. One of
them rolls about on a trolley,
the other one's a country
and western singer.
I mean, fair's fair. I'm all
for the Special Olympics,
but they ain't gotta make
fucking records, have they?
Nan, I didn't mean that.
I meant, are they close?
They're stuck together at the head.
How close do you want them?
I meant Dolly and Tommy.
Oh, what? Oh, yeah. Oh, they're
devoted to each other, darling.
They never lived more than 10 minutes
apart, even when they were married.
Oh, we have had some laughs over the
years, though. I know that much.
During the war, we was all evacuated
together down to Wiltshire.
We ended up in a lovely old farmhouse
with a big dung heap out the back.
Oh, she was a beast, though,
the woman who looked after us.
She made us leave our
shoes at the door.
(SOBBING) I'll never
forget the first letter
Dolly and Tommy wrote home.
It said, "Mother, get us on
the first train out of here."
"She won't let us wear
shoes in the house,"
"and there's a big pile
of shit in the garden."
(FARTS)
Oh, that was one I didn't want.
Nan.
Oh, well, ta-Ra,
Tom, ta-Ra, Doll.
That's the end of an era, that is.
Oh, I'm all on me own now, ain't I?
Oh, Nan, I nearly forgot. They
asked me to give you this.
- What is it?
- A little present.
Oh, they didn't have to do that.
Oh, ain't that kind of them?
Oh, I weren't expecting that.
Oh, that's choked
me up, that has.
Well, look at that, eh. That's
cost a few quid, innit?
It's a wooden squirrel.
It's a wooden fucking squirrel.
Seventy years I've known them,
and they got a lump of wood and
made a squirrel out of it.
What a fucking liberty!
Look, there's an inscription.
(CLEARING THROAT)
"Some people come into our
lives and go quickly."
"Others stay a while, leave
their footprints on our heart"
"and we are never,
ever the same."
Oh, they want shooting,
they really do.
Nan, Dolly and Tommy don't have much,
but they still wanted to buy you this.
It might not be a lot, but it's
a token of their gratitude
for all the years of friendship
and good times you had together.
It's a fucking squirrel!
Oi, Mostows.
Yeah, both of you.
Take your friendship,
take your good times,
take your fucking squirrel and
shove it up your twin arses!
(FARTS)
Oh, these shoes are tight.
No, it's okay. It's fine.
- Yeah, look, I'll speak to you Monday.
- Okay. Bye.
- Damn, that is so annoying.
- What's up?
Well, I'm supposed to be
playing tennis tomorrow
and my usual partner's
just let me down.
I've got a big
tournament next week,
and I need someone really
good to practise with.
- I can do that.
- Really? You play?
- Yeah.
- You free tomorrow?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Let's just have a quick knock up.
- Yeah, just a minute.
Play.
Play on.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I don't know what's
the matter with me today.
I shouldn't have eaten
all that mashed potato.
(GRUNTS)
So, what balls are
you playing with?
Tennis.
Yeah, I thought so.
(GRUNTS)
Out.
- Have you ever played tennis before?
- Yeah, all the time.
Come on, do one of those lobs,
and I'll do under the leg thing.
You're good. Do you know that?
You're really good.
- Thanks.
- Can I have a go at firing one now?
- Oh, you can't miss it from there.
- No way.
(MAN COMMENTATING ON TV)
John.
John.
- John.
- Aye.
He's nice, isn't he, John?
- Go on.
- Oh, come on. Come on.
Are you blind or what?
John.
John.
Oh, he is nice. Do
you like him, John?
That's enough, Mummy.
Did you hear about
our John, Kieran?
He's a gay man now.
Aye, I know.
- Fifteen million, he's worth.
- Aye, right.
John, would you look
at the buns on him.
For God's sake, Mummy.
I would.
Would you give over?
Just because I'm gay,
it doesn't mean I think
about sex all the time.
Now, would you calm down
and let us watch the match?
Ah, but, John.
I bet he's got a
really nice cock.
♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning
♪ Oh, what a beautiful day
♪ I've got a beautiful feeling
♪ Everything's going my way ♪
- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Georgie.
- How was your weekend?
- Oh, it was lovely.
Michaela had her school play.
How did she do? 'Cause I
was worried about her,
what with her being remedial
and borderline dyslexic.
She was great, and she looked so
cute in her little fairy costume.
I couldn't be happier for you.
- Can I borrow your nice, red Biro?
- Yeah, sure.
I'll tell you what it is. Me
and some of the other girls
down at the Union of Catholic Mothers
are doing a little fundraiser.
Oh, another one.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
I'm doing a fun run dressed
as a bottle of Cinzano.
For all the little battered
husbands of Gateshead.
Battered husbands? Is that a
serious problem in Gateshead?
Did you know that
every 38 minutes
some poor little fellow, who,
when his wife calls his name,
cowers in a corner
and shits his pants?
Wow. I didn't know that.
If you don't believe me,
log on to the website,
No, I do believe you. How
far are you running?
Forty-two miles.
- Forty-two miles?
- It's not far, pet.
Not when you think of all
those poor little chaps
whose only thanks for clearing
away the breakfast dishes
is a bottle in the face. How
much shall I put you down for?
Oh, God, yeah. Well, put
me down for 10p a mile.
10p a mile.
£4.20
to lug an eight-foot
fibreglass bottle of Cinzano
42 miles.
For all those poor, wee lads who
cannae stand up to their missus,
'cause they know, in their
heart, they're as soft as shite.
Right, yeah, I see what you mean.
Twenty pence, then.
£8.40.
- It's just that…
- No, £8.40 it is, pet.
- It's all I can afford.
- Let's say no more about it,
'cause I wouldn't want
it to come between us.
Now you know what it feels like.
So I said to him, "Don't
think we don't know"
"what you been saying about
us behind our backs, either."
Right.
(BANGING)
- Well, Rosemary.
- Well, Kathleen.
Will you be marching with
us on Sunday, Rosemary?
Aye, we'll show the bastards.
- How's your Martin?
- Fine.
- He'll be out soon, no doubt.
- Fifteen years.
Aye, well, he's a hard man,
but he's a principled man.
Aye, he is that.
Did you hear about our John?
He's a gay man now.
Is that so?
Pop round later, John. We've just had
new tongue and groove in our bathroom.
You will die.
- Mind if I join you?
- No, of course not.
You finally got out of
your meeting, then?
Yeah.
(MOBILE BEEPING)
- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What's wrong?
(SIGHING)
One of our curling team's just
dropped out of tonight's match.
Oh, no, it's a really
important game as well.
I can do that.
- You're a curler?
- Yeah.
- My friends are quite good.
- Great.
Okay, I'm only gonna play enough weight
just to tap it back to the 12 foot.
Two-eight be enough
weight, do you think?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
No!
- Well.
- Well.
- Well.
- Well.
Is it true your
john's a gay man now?
Aye.
What of it?
Right.
Do these turn-ups work
with these boots?
- So, who we visiting today?
- Teddy Morris, innit?
I've told you about
him a thousand times.
What a character.
Oh, we have had some
laughs over the years.
He'd have us in stitches.
What a mimic. He could
take anyone off.
It was like they were sitting
in the room next to you.
His Chairman Mao was uncanny.
He could have turned
professional, you know.
But, of course, he
didn't need to.
He was one of the finest
paedophiles in London.
What?
Oh, what he didn't know about
feet was no one's business.
Hello.
- There he is.
- Oh.
- There he is.
- Oh.
- Hello, Ted. You all right, darling?
- Yeah.
- I've come up to see you, ain't I?
- Oh, right.
(CACKLING)
Oh, isn't it lovely
to see… Oh, here.
Oh, dear.
(GROANING)
Oh, go on then, now. Oh, there he goes.
Oh, God.
Go and have a pony. That's it.
(CACKLING)
He don't care. He just don't care.
He's an absolute classic.
There he is. Oh!
Oh, come here, Ted. Come here, love.
God help us all.
(SIGHING)
There we go. Here, Ted.
My grandson, Jamie, go on,
show him your Chairman Mao.
(LAUGHING) Wait
till you see this.
Oh, he's spark out.
Oh, well. Oh, never mind,
let's come back tomorrow.
Poor sod's exhausted. Here,
give him the present.
Here, I won't wake you, Ted,
but I'll leave the present
there, sweetheart.
I'll see you soon. God
bless, sweetheart.
Excuse me, darling, Mr
Morris has fallen asleep,
but we left a lovely present there for him.
Would you make sure he gets it?
- Of course.
- Much obliged to you, sweetheart.
Lazy mare.
Nurse. Nurse. Do you know
where my visitors went?
Well, you feel asleep, Mr
Morris, so they've gone home.
- Oh.
- But they've left you a present.
Oh, really? Oh, a present.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, good. Yeah.
Oh.
"Some people come into our
lives and go quickly."
"Others stay a while,"
"leave their footprints on our heart
and we are never, ever the same."
What a fucking liberty.
Oh, no. Jesus.
You all right?
No, I'm having a bit of
a nightmare, actually.
What's the matter?
Well, I've got all the international
CEOs from around the world in this room.
In 10 minutes, the annual
summit's supposed to take place.
They've flown thousands
of miles to get here
and my translator
hasn't turned up.
I need to find someone who can translate
into seven different languages.
Well, I can do that.
- Really?
- Yeah, I did a TEFL in my gap year.
Welcome back to London,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is Helen Marsh, who'll
be our interpreter today.
So, without further ado, let's
address section one, point one,
multinational profiteering for
the financial year 2005-2006.
Helen.
(MIMICKING FRENCH)
(MIMICKING SPANISH)
(MIMICKING SWEDISH)
(MIMICKING HINDI)
(MIMICKING ITALIAN)
(MIMICKING CHINESE)
(MIMICKING AN AFRICAN LANGUAGE)
(IN AFRICAN ACCENT)
This is not my sandwich.
(IRISH MARCHING BAND PLAYING)