The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 2, Episode 7 - Christmas Show - full transcript
(CACKLING)
Oh, wait, look, this is it, this
is me favourite. You've seen this?
Have a look. Del Boy, he's grown a
moustache and become a policeman.
Wears a little porkpie
hat and a mackintosh.
- Oh, he does look shite.
- A Touch of Frost
- Who is it?
- A Touch of Frost
Well, put the fire on,
then, you silly bastard.
(PLAYING ONE FROM A CHORUS LINE)
No, you see, what it is, Gavin, it's step,
kick. Step, kick. Hands, hands, hands, pose!
You see, it's all in
the wrists, dear.
Good evening, everybody. Sorry. I'm so
sorry I'm late. Can you settle down?
I'm afraid we've no time for a warm-up
tonight. We're going to crack straight on.
Based on your
improvisations last week,
I've cast the Christmas pantomime
in the following manner.
Julie Wishall, Cinderella.
Gavin Nelson, Prince Charming.
Yes!
Leonard Mincing, Baron Hardup.
Jeff and Wallace,
the ugly sisters.
Pat and Roz, the
comedy policemen.
And finally, Judy Warrington will be
prompt corner again. Sorry, Judy.
And everybody else will be magical
animals in the musical forest.
Can you see that
everybody gets a script?
- Excuse me, Ursula.
- Yes, Derek.
I think there seems to be
some sort of mistake, dear.
Being a senior member of
the Gilleshall Players,
I think you'll find I usually
take quite a large part,
if you follow my meaning.
Oh, I'm sorry, Derek, have I missed you out?
Yes, of course, you have a main character.
Yes, here you are. You're
playing the Christmas Fairy.
I beg pardon?
You're the Christmas Fairy.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
Derek, I'm not
insinuating anything.
Oh, my goodness!
You don't for a second think this has
anything to do with you being gay, do you?
You've been given the part purely on
your brilliant improvisation last week.
I beg your pardon?
I said, you were given the part
purely based on your improvisation.
Yes, I heard that bit.
And it has nothing to
do with you being gay.
How very dare you? I've
never been so insulted.
You mean you're not gay?
Who, dear? Me, dear? Gay, dear?
No, dear.
Just because a man shapes his eyebrows
and likes a bit of Shirley Bassey,
you accuse him of parking
his bike up the dirt track?
How very dare you?
I'm sorry, Derek. 1
don't know what to say.
- I thought you were gay, Derek.
- Yeah, I always thought you were gay.
What?
And to think I've bent over
backwards for you lot.
Hang on a minute. She thought you were gay.
You say you're not. What's the problem?
Who invited you to
the party, dear?
I'm just saying, I don't see
why you should be so offended
just because someone
thinks you're gay.
No? Well, it's not your name and reputation being
besmirched all over the place, is it, dear?
Well, I'm very proud
to be a gay man.
Who, dear? You, dear? Gay, dear? Yes, dear.
I can well believe it.
And what's wrong with that?
Look, dear, you may
choose to spend your time
waving your ding-dong to
other men in public toilets,
but we don't need it
shoved down our throats.
I think we've heard enough.
As director of this group…
Director? Don't make me laugh. You
couldn't direct piss into a bucket, dear.
Now I've had enough.
Always thought I was gay?
How very dare you?
And if you think he's playing Baron
Hard-on, you got another think coming.
Come on, Leonard, we're off!
- Ally!
- Hello, Mark!
- Fabulous party!
- Well, a party is only as good as its guests.
- Have you met Simon?
- No, hello, I'm Ally.
Hello, I'm Simon Green. I'm
Managing Director of Robson's.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm just on my way to the kitchen.
Can I get anyone a drink?
- I'll have a lager.
- Yeah, I'll have a Coke, thanks.
Okay, and would you like
me to take your hat?
I'm sorry?
Would you like me to hang your hat up?
It's getting quite warm in here.
I'm not wearing a hat.
Hrnm?
No, I didn't mean that!
That's not a hat.
That's your hair.
So that's one orange juice,
unjus 'orange,
one lager and one
hat, hair, wig, Coke!
(POP SONG PLAYING ON STEREO)
Love this song.
(EXCLAIMING)
- I'm well nervous.
- Is it?
- Ain't you nervous?
- Totally.
- Innit, though. Ain't you nervous?
- No, man. I'm sweet.
(RAPPING) ♪ You only get one shot
Do not miss your chance to blow
♪ 'Cause opportunity
comes once in a lifetime
♪ Yo! ♪
We are so gonna win this.
Million-pound recording
contract, can you believe it?
That is fierce.
- All right, just be cool, be cool, be cool, all right?
- Hello, everybody.
My name's Richard Park.
Delighted to see you all here.
I think without very much more ado, I'd like
to get on with the action if you don't mind.
First off is going
to be Lauren Cooper,
Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins.
Hi, guys...
ALL: Awright.
We are the Flygirl Collective
featuring MC Perkins.
Big it up, big it up, big it up.
Peace.
In your own time.
Thank you, God, for this opportunity
and for blessing us with this talent
- and for delivering us into the final. Amen.
- Amen.
Keep it real.
ALL: Is it?
(SHUT UP PLAYING ON STEREO)
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up
♪ Well, we try to take it slow
♪ But we're still losing control
♪ And we try to make it work
♪ But it still comes out the worst
♪ 'Cause I'm crazy
♪ Trying to be your lady
♪ I think I'm going crazy
♪ Girl, me and you were just fine.
♪ You know.
♪ We wine and dined. Did them things
that couples do when in love.
♪ You know.
♪ Walks on the beach and stuff.
♪ You know.
♪ Things that lovers say and do.
♪ I love you, boo.
♪ I love you, too.
♪ I miss you a lot.
♪ I miss you even more.
♪ That's why I flew you out
When we was on tour
♪ Shut up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ We try to take it slow
But we're still losing control
♪ And we try to make it work
♪ But we still come out the worst
♪ 'Cause I'm crazy
♪ For trying to be your lady
(MUSIC STOPS)
♪ I think I'm going crazy
♪ Shut up! ♪
That was extraordinary.
Ain't it, though?
I've worked with artists all over
the world for many, many years,
seen some really good ones, some great
ones and some bad ones as well.
However, that was simply the
worst thing I have ever seen.
No, you just need to hear it again 'cause
we were out a little bit in the middle.
- And you were losing the beats.
- I was bang on it, man.
No, I can't afford to
carry you no more.
Carry? You couldn't
carry a handbag.
I would rather watch
my own feet burn,
sitting in my own faeces, being
force-fed my intestines,
rather than hear
that song again.
- Your name?
- MC Perkins.
MC Perkins, I thought, actually,
you handled the rap quite well.
- Lisa?
- Is it?
It is. Lisa, it was all right.
- And Lauren, is it?
- Flygirl Lauren from the Flygirl Collective.
You can't sing. You can't dance.
You've got no image. You
sound like a stabbed cat.
You're a disgrace to singing.
You're a disgrace to music.
Actually, you're a
disgrace to this school.
Am I bothered?
You should be bothered.
- Well, I ain't bothered
- You are… You must be... Why would you…
No, I ain't even bothered.
Do I look bothered?
- Well, why would you go…
- Are you Simon Cowell?
- What?
- You're not even Simon Cowell.
- Look… What's that got to do with…
- You're not even Simon Cowell.
Why should I be bothered if
you're not even Simon Cowell?
- I'm giving you advice…
- Do you love Patrick Kielty?
- I beg your pardon, I do not.
- Do you love Patrick Kielty, though?
Are you Patrick Kielty's bitch?
What? This is…
- "I'm a pop idol. I've got what it takes."
- No.
- You have not.
- Do you manage Will Young?
- Do you manage Will Young?
- You have not.
Who's Alex Parks? Do
you manage Will Young?
- Oh, Will Young?
- Look at me. I ain't even bothered
Yes, you are. You'd like to be here.
Rubbish. Look at my face. Is my face
bothered? I ain't even bothered.
- Look. "Faeces." I ain't even bothered.
- You are.
I'm not bothered.
Look. "You're a disgrace!"
Do I look bothered?
- Am I even bothered? Look. Face. Bothered.
- You've taken it…
Alex Parks. Fame Academy. Kielty.
"You're a disgrace." I ain't bothered!
I'm not bothered that
you're not bothered.
What I'd like you to do is take yourself
and your little friends off the stage.
I'm going to carry on here,
and I'm going to continue
the search for real talent.
X Factor!
There. I'm turning the lights
on now, then, Margaret.
Oh, lovely.
- You ready, then?
- Yes, yes.
Turning them on now, dear.
Michael, for goodness sake.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Just popping out.
(SCREAMING)
So we're doing a bit of
last-minute Christmas shopping.
Listen to this.
And generally when we're
in town at Christmas,
we'll have a Christmas dinner
at Darley's, won't we?
It's a pound more
than the Carvery,
but I mean, that time of year,
everybody goes a bit mad, don't they?
- So we get into Darley's.
- Listen to this.
And my sister Betty's in there
with her husband Laurie.
Well, you went mad, didn't you?
Their son is 23
and pees the bed.
I ain't got time for him.
So we thought we might as well try the food
court at the Prospect Centre, didn't we?
Famous last words.
So we get into the food court,
and they're not doing
Christmas dinner, are they?
17th of November, and they're
not doing Christmas dinner.
Sign's up saying the Council won't let
them sell Christmas dinner till December.
Well, I mean, it's political
correctness gone mad, ain't it?
So earlier,
we'd been given one of those "buy
one, get one free" vouchers,
you know, for the food court.
This is unbelievable.
So they said that's fine, but it's
only redeemable at one counter.
Taste of the Caribbean.
Don't ask.
Well, Ray said they only did that to see if he were
a racist, but he called their bluff, didn't you?
How can I be a racist?
My great-grandfather
was a midget.
So we get this Caribbean
food, don't we?
Listen to this.
Caribbean curry and… What were
the name of that thing with it?
Plantains.
And you'll never guess
what were in the curry,
what meat they'd used
to make the curry with.
Now, this is unbelievable.
Goat.
They've made curry with a goat.
Goat curry.
They've made curry
out of a goat.
The dirty bastards!
Oh, but that ain't it.
Tell them what them
plantains were.
Fried bananas.
This is in Cleethorpes.
Goat curry and fried bananas?
I was looking for Jeremy Beadle.
Fried bananas and
goat curry, £8.50.
And that was with the voucher.
The dirty, evil,
robbing bastards.
No more bets, please.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Mrs Jacobs!
Mrs Jacobs, can you hear me?
(GROANING)
Yeah, you seem to have pressed
the panic button by mistake.
I did. I did press.
Yeah, I know. To be honest with you, it's
only supposed to be used in emergencies.
So if you just let it
go, I'll put it back.
Let it go, love. That's it.
Let it go. Let it go.
(SCREAMING)
Right, now I think what we need
is a bit of fresh air, don't we?
That's it. Mind how you go, now.
Oh. My God!
Oh, my God! Mince pies.
Deep-filled.
Oh. Oh, hello!
Do you know where Mrs Jacobs is?
Oh, you just missed her.
Is it anything important?
Well, I was meant to give her
these pills, but I forgot.
- When was she supposed to take them?
- Tuesday.
Oh, it's only Thursday now.
I wouldn't worry.
Oh, I'm all over
the place today.
I got lost twice, I was
late for my rounds,
and I keep forgetting to
dispense the medication.
Something tells me you're new.
How did you know?
Oh, God, I've been a
nurse for a long time.
You know, you just sort of pick these
things up, you know what I mean?
Do you want to help
me make a bed?
I'm Arthur.
Oh, Arthur.
That's a bit of an unusual name.
It's not often you see a female nurse
with a man's name, you know what I mean?
- What's your name?
- Bernie.
Actually, Arthur's my surname.
I just prefer it.
Oh, you mad bitch!
You've probably seen me looking
at you in the canteen?
Oh, well, a lot of the nurses
look up to me. What can I say?
I suppose I'm a bit of a role
model to them, you know?
But if you've got it, flaunt it.
Oh, you've definitely
got it, Bernie.
Oh, thanks, Arthur.
That's sweet.
At first, I wasn't sure
whether you'd be up for…
- a bit of fun.
- Well, you've got to, haven't you?
I mean, you can get too bogged down in the
whole "saving lives" thing round here.
Actually, I was thinking
of going out tonight.
Fancied a bit of karaoke.
What do you say?
Oh, yeah! Oh, I love singing!
♪ When I'm stuck with a day
That's grey and lonely
♪ I just stick out my chin
And grin and say
- I was thinking…
- ♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow
♪ It's always a day away
- Nice one, Arth…
- ♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow
♪ It's always a day away ♪
Right. Well, I've got to be
going to the X-ray place.
I really fancy you, Bernie.
Oh, God, well, that's… What?
All my life I've been looking for a
flame-haired woman with a strong jaw
and a personality to match.
I know you feel the
same way, Bernie.
No, I think you've got me
wrong, actually, Arthur.
You know, I mean, I've got nothing
against the old muff-munchers but…
Oh, it's not really my sort of
thing, you know what I'm saying?
I mean I like a bit of Patsy Cline, but that's
about as far as I'm willing to take it.
Nurse Bernadette!
I thought I'd seen everything, but now
you're seducing the female staff.
No, Sister, I can
actually explain.
What's wrong? Have you finally gone
through all the men in this hospital?
Well, not all of them. There's a
couple of lads in A&E I would…
Shut up. Both of you
in my office, now.
- You can't sack us just because we're gay.
- That's right, so… What?
What you choose to get up to in the privacy
of your own homes is entirely up to you,
- but you can't waste…
- Now, wait a minute.
You're not lumping me in the same
category as this mad fanny basher.
Your sexuality is
not the issue here.
Oh, yes, it bloody is. For the love
of God, would you ever listen to me?
I like a bit of cock.
Here we go. This
looks like our man.
- Oh, no, ma'am, that's not him.
- And how do you know that?
Because that's not him.
That's not my informer.
- So what have you got for us?
- What?
Come on, I haven't got all day. Tony
Bonito, where is he? I need an address.
- Ma'am, this isn't…
- Whittaker, when I need your help,
I'll ask for it, okay?
I've been dealing with scum like
this since you were in nappies.
Bonito, where is he?
(STUTTERING) I'm sorry. I don't
know who you're talking about.
Well, perhaps this will help
you think more clearly.
- Ma'am, you've got…
- All I need is one address in North London.
So name your price.
Hmm? 200? 300?
Okay, this is my final offer.
400.
- Ma'am, this isn't…
- Yes, Whittaker, I know.
My methods are somewhat unorthodox.
What can I say? Sue me.
What do you say? All this for
one address in North London.
I think he lives in…Holloway.
Um, yeah, Flat 1, Holloway Road.
Flat 1, Holloway Road. I
think that's where he lives.
And I think we finally
understand each other.
Now move it. I don't want to see
your face round here again.
You see, Whittaker, the red ant can
lift eight times its own body weight,
yet it can take Eamonn Holmes 20 minutes
to get up out of an easy chair.
I'm sorry, but I have been working for
two months to corner Tony Bonito.
My informer has never
let me down before,
but thanks to you, he probably
saw all that going on,
did a runner, and now I'll
never hear from him again.
♪ Whatsa matter, you? Hey!
♪ Gotta no respect Hey!
♪ What-a you think you do?
Whittaker
♪ Hey!
♪ Why you look-a so sad?
♪ Hey!
♪ It's-a not so bad
♪ Hey!
♪ It's a nice-a place
♪ Ah, shut uppa your face ♪
Whittaker!
One word.
Haggis.
This is on New Year's Eve.
BOTH: The dirty bastards!
You won't believe this one.
Oh, here we go.
- This one is unbelievable.
- Come on, what's happened?
- I can't tell you.
- Oh, why not?
- 'Cause you ain't gonna believe it.
- Tell me what you've done, babe.
You are going to think I'm an
absolute, total, 100% nutter.
Well, I know that already, don't I?
Come on, spit it out.
Well, you know we always do a Secret
Santa in the office last day.
Secret Santa?
Yeah, you know, where we
all put our name in a hat,
and then we all draw out one name
and buy a present for that person,
except now we aren't allowed
to spend more than a fiver
since last year gay Simon's bought
Lisa a nice pair of gloves,
and that bloke in accounts
got the right hump
'cause he said that
makes him look tight,
and he didn't even know the person
he was supposed to buy for,
and he figures it's a
stupid game anyway.
Yeah, yeah, I remember. Yeah.
- This year, I've only pulled Shelley out the hat.
- No!
- Not Shelley!
- I know.
I thought that's all I need, isn't
it, after last year's fiasco.
What happened last year, babe?
Well, she got really excited 'cause
she wanted The Best of Jamie Cullum,
but she ended up with a
bumper pack of Immac,
which is a bit much as she's got a
5:00 shadow at the best of times.
Nightmare!
I know. We were treading
on eggshells all year.
So what did you do?
Well, I thought, "What
am I gonna do?"
But anyway it turns out all right
'cause last week she's turned to me
and she said, "Here, Sam, if Secret
Santa ain't sure what to get me",
"tell him I want a pair of big silver
hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera."
So I've bought her the earrings. I've wrapped up
the earrings. I put the earrings under the tree.
And then today, we're all
unwrapping our presents…
What's happened now?
Shelley's got her present. She's unwrapped it.
She's opened it. And she's giving me one look,
and she said, "Cheers,
babe, but I don't smoke."
Don't smoke? What's
she on about?
I thought, "What's
she on about?"
And I've looked over, and she's
only holding a packet of cigars.
- What's she doing with them?
- You know what I've done, don't you?
I've only mixed up her earrings with
those cigars I was gonna give to you.
- You don't mean…
- Yeah.
Somewhere under that tree, you've got a pair of
big silver hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera.
- How do you do it, babe?
- How do I do it?
Someone is going to
lock you up one day.
- Bang me right up, won't they?
- What are you like?
I'm a lunatic!
Who is Christina Aguilera?
I dunno!
(THUDDING)
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
You hear something?
Come on, then, we
know you're up there.
You won't believe
what's happened to me.
What's happened?
She is a nutter.
Go on, babe.
This is a classic.
Well, let us hear it.
I went to sleep. I woke up. I got out
of bed. I went to open the presents.
They weren't no presents.
But Father Christmas ain't been yet, babe.
It's only 10 past nine.
- I know. Guess what I've done?
- Guess what she's done.
BOTH: What have you done?
I've only woke up half an hour
after I've gone to sleep.
- What am I like?
- They know what you're like.
BOTH: We know what you're like.
- You know what I'm like.
- What did I tell you?
ALL: She's a lunatic!
Margaret!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Margaret, the film's starting.
Margaret!
(SCREAMING)
The, um,
the film's starting.
Right, well, I'm just
going to clean my teeth.
Oh, look at this. Oh,
ain't it beautiful, eh?
Oh, ain't they done
it up lovely, eh?
Oh, have a look who it is. Hello,
Sadie, darling, how are you?
You all right? They looking after you?
Aren't you… Look, it's Jimmy.
Jimmy, love, I didn't expect to see
you here today. Feeling better?
Fighting fit.
(CACKLING)
Maggie Johnson, there's
a surprise, eh?
How do you like this, then, Mag, eh?
Ain't it lovely, eh?
- Good luck to you. Benny!
- Yeah.
Benny's here, and
he's got his hat on.
Don't he look smart?
Oh, that's it.
Aye, aye, Morris. Here
we are again, eh?
Here, I should have a little drink
with you later, sweetheart. That's it.
Oh, ain't it lovely?
There you are, sweetheart. Ain't it
lovely to see all the old faces, eh?
Don't they fucking stink?
Whoo!
Oh! Cor, blimey.
I'm…
- I'm so glad you could make it, Mrs Taylor.
- Oh, hello, Father.
Oh, how lovely to
see you, though.
Nice to see you, Jamie. Can I
get you both a nice cup of tea?
Oh, no, don't get him nothing, darling. He
drinks it all day. Ain't got a job, see.
- Yes, please, two sugars for both of us.
- I'll take that.
Here.
Have you seen the state
of the people in here?
I don't know where they come from. Really,
I don't. I ain't never seen a mob like it.
I mean, have a look. That woman over
there, she's got a head the size of a pig.
- Nan, they're volunteers.
- Volunteers?
Have you seen them? Hello, love.
They look like the
fucking Munsters.
- Nan, please.
- Oh, I mean, come on… Have a look.
Here, have a look. That fellow over
there, he's got a hook for a hand.
(SHOUTING) The man has
got an hook for a hand!
Oh, cor, blimey! That… Oh, that's
all I need. I feel bilious now.
All right, Nan.
Here, you don't think it's that man they
tried to sling out the country, do you?
(SHOUTING) That fellow with
the turban and the hook!
They said they was gonna
have a celebrity here today.
Nan, don't be so rude. That's Malcolm.
You know him.
He usually wears a prosthetic hand.
He must be having a new one made.
Well, you'd think he'd have the decency
to stay at home till he had it done.
I shouldn't have
to look at that.
I mean, fair's fair. It's
Christmas, not fucking Halloween.
Hello, there. You ready
for your Chrissy dins?
She talking to me?
It's all piping hot.
Oh, no thanks, love. I
ate before I came out.
I ain't touching that muck.
Actually, it's a
Gordon Ramsay recipe.
- Who is it?
- Gordon Ramsay.
What, that fellow off the telly
who don't stop swearing?
- Nan.
- Oh, no, I can't watch him.
F-ing this and F-ing that.
No, no, that's
diabolical, that is.
£126 I pay...
£126 I pay for a television
licence to listen to that.
Nan, you're a pensioner. You
don't pay for your TV licence.
Yeah, I know that, but I still got
to listen to him swearing, ain't I?
Gordon F-ing Ramsay.
What a fucking liberty!
Jamie, would you mind helping
me with the sound system?
- Sure, you'll be all right, Nan?
- Yeah.
Malcolm, do you want to come and
sit with Mrs Taylor for a while?
Oh, no, I don't know
about that, love.
Malcolm's our administrator.
Ah, good to see you.
Do you know, we've got a real
mixed bag of people here today.
Yeah, ain't we just?
I think news of our celebrity guest
must've leaked out, you know.
I've never seen so
many people here.
Yeah, ain't it lovely?
Father Elliot asked me to
help with the PA system,
but I'm afraid at the moment, things like
that can be a bit fiddly for me, you know.
Oh, yeah? Why is that, son?
Well, this, really.
Oh, I can't say I noticed
that straight off.
Really?
Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit
old-fashioned like that, you know.
I tend not to judge people
by the way they look.
- Say, that was quick.
- Yeah, we're all up and running.
Nan, this is Charlotte. She's
going to be singing today.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello, darling.
Hello, Charlotte. I'm Malcolm.
We met before.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
He'll have your fingers off with that!
It's really nice to see you again, Charlotte.
I really do appreciate you coming.
We've all been
really so excited.
Mrs Taylor, I hope
you enjoy your day.
Yeah, well, we ain't
staying all day.
Nan, you know who
this is, don't you?
Charlotte Church.
Yeah, you said, yes. Oh,
lovely to meet you, Charlotte.
No, Nan, it's Charlotte
Church, remember?
Charlotte Church?
Of course I fucking remember.
You only told me a minute ago.
No, Nan, Charlotte's
the singer you like.
Singer?
Oh!
Oh, have a look! It's
Charlotte Church.
(CACKLING)
Yeah, I know.
Oh, don't you look
beautiful, darling?
Oh, and I remember when
you was a little girl,
and you used to sing all
them little opera songs.
Oh, I must say you look beautiful
in real life, sweetheart.
Thank you very much.
'Cause every time I see you in them
magazines, you're as pissed as arseholes.
I mean, everywhere you look, there's
photographs of you rolling around drunk.
Charlotte Church,
voice of an angel,
liver of a wino.
I'm surprised you found time
to come here tonight, darling,
'cause I thought you spend most of
your time falling out of clubs.
Well, actually, I spend
most of my time singing.
Oh, well, I expect
you do, sweetheart,
'cause my friend Jeannie,
she likes a shandy.
She usually gives everyone a
song when she gets bladdered.
Nan, the stuff in the magazines is just an
image the press has created for Charlotte.
No, your Nan is right.
I do like a drink.
Maybe once I've done my bit, we can
all have a bevvy together later?
That's it, lovely, sweetheart.
I tell you what, you go and sing
your song, and then after that,
you two lovebirds can have a nice little drink
on your own, no interruptions, that's it.
- Nan, please!
- I'm sorry. I've got a boyfriend.
Yeah, we think he
probably has as well.
Hello, would you all please welcome
to St Thomas' Community Centre
Miss Charlotte Church.
(CACKLING)
Go on, darling!
Why do you always do it? Why do you
always put me in embarrassing situations?
Embarrassing situations?
You wanna talk.
Running off with celebrities while I'm
sat here with Metal fucking Mickey?
♪ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
♪ Jack Frost nipping at your nose
♪ Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
♪ And folks dressed up like Eskimos… ♪
What a load of old shit!
Take it away, lads!
Hey, hey! One, two, three.
♪ I don't care, I don't care, I
don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here. Let
mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care I
don't care if he comes round here
♪ Got my beer in the sideboard here Let
mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care I
don't care if he comes round here
♪ Got my beer in the sideboard here Let
mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer, let
Mother sort it out 'cause I don't care
♪ I've got my beer, let Mother sort it out
I don't care if he comes round here ♪
Oh, wait, look, this is it, this
is me favourite. You've seen this?
Have a look. Del Boy, he's grown a
moustache and become a policeman.
Wears a little porkpie
hat and a mackintosh.
- Oh, he does look shite.
- A Touch of Frost
- Who is it?
- A Touch of Frost
Well, put the fire on,
then, you silly bastard.
(PLAYING ONE FROM A CHORUS LINE)
No, you see, what it is, Gavin, it's step,
kick. Step, kick. Hands, hands, hands, pose!
You see, it's all in
the wrists, dear.
Good evening, everybody. Sorry. I'm so
sorry I'm late. Can you settle down?
I'm afraid we've no time for a warm-up
tonight. We're going to crack straight on.
Based on your
improvisations last week,
I've cast the Christmas pantomime
in the following manner.
Julie Wishall, Cinderella.
Gavin Nelson, Prince Charming.
Yes!
Leonard Mincing, Baron Hardup.
Jeff and Wallace,
the ugly sisters.
Pat and Roz, the
comedy policemen.
And finally, Judy Warrington will be
prompt corner again. Sorry, Judy.
And everybody else will be magical
animals in the musical forest.
Can you see that
everybody gets a script?
- Excuse me, Ursula.
- Yes, Derek.
I think there seems to be
some sort of mistake, dear.
Being a senior member of
the Gilleshall Players,
I think you'll find I usually
take quite a large part,
if you follow my meaning.
Oh, I'm sorry, Derek, have I missed you out?
Yes, of course, you have a main character.
Yes, here you are. You're
playing the Christmas Fairy.
I beg pardon?
You're the Christmas Fairy.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
Derek, I'm not
insinuating anything.
Oh, my goodness!
You don't for a second think this has
anything to do with you being gay, do you?
You've been given the part purely on
your brilliant improvisation last week.
I beg your pardon?
I said, you were given the part
purely based on your improvisation.
Yes, I heard that bit.
And it has nothing to
do with you being gay.
How very dare you? I've
never been so insulted.
You mean you're not gay?
Who, dear? Me, dear? Gay, dear?
No, dear.
Just because a man shapes his eyebrows
and likes a bit of Shirley Bassey,
you accuse him of parking
his bike up the dirt track?
How very dare you?
I'm sorry, Derek. 1
don't know what to say.
- I thought you were gay, Derek.
- Yeah, I always thought you were gay.
What?
And to think I've bent over
backwards for you lot.
Hang on a minute. She thought you were gay.
You say you're not. What's the problem?
Who invited you to
the party, dear?
I'm just saying, I don't see
why you should be so offended
just because someone
thinks you're gay.
No? Well, it's not your name and reputation being
besmirched all over the place, is it, dear?
Well, I'm very proud
to be a gay man.
Who, dear? You, dear? Gay, dear? Yes, dear.
I can well believe it.
And what's wrong with that?
Look, dear, you may
choose to spend your time
waving your ding-dong to
other men in public toilets,
but we don't need it
shoved down our throats.
I think we've heard enough.
As director of this group…
Director? Don't make me laugh. You
couldn't direct piss into a bucket, dear.
Now I've had enough.
Always thought I was gay?
How very dare you?
And if you think he's playing Baron
Hard-on, you got another think coming.
Come on, Leonard, we're off!
- Ally!
- Hello, Mark!
- Fabulous party!
- Well, a party is only as good as its guests.
- Have you met Simon?
- No, hello, I'm Ally.
Hello, I'm Simon Green. I'm
Managing Director of Robson's.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm just on my way to the kitchen.
Can I get anyone a drink?
- I'll have a lager.
- Yeah, I'll have a Coke, thanks.
Okay, and would you like
me to take your hat?
I'm sorry?
Would you like me to hang your hat up?
It's getting quite warm in here.
I'm not wearing a hat.
Hrnm?
No, I didn't mean that!
That's not a hat.
That's your hair.
So that's one orange juice,
unjus 'orange,
one lager and one
hat, hair, wig, Coke!
(POP SONG PLAYING ON STEREO)
Love this song.
(EXCLAIMING)
- I'm well nervous.
- Is it?
- Ain't you nervous?
- Totally.
- Innit, though. Ain't you nervous?
- No, man. I'm sweet.
(RAPPING) ♪ You only get one shot
Do not miss your chance to blow
♪ 'Cause opportunity
comes once in a lifetime
♪ Yo! ♪
We are so gonna win this.
Million-pound recording
contract, can you believe it?
That is fierce.
- All right, just be cool, be cool, be cool, all right?
- Hello, everybody.
My name's Richard Park.
Delighted to see you all here.
I think without very much more ado, I'd like
to get on with the action if you don't mind.
First off is going
to be Lauren Cooper,
Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins.
Hi, guys...
ALL: Awright.
We are the Flygirl Collective
featuring MC Perkins.
Big it up, big it up, big it up.
Peace.
In your own time.
Thank you, God, for this opportunity
and for blessing us with this talent
- and for delivering us into the final. Amen.
- Amen.
Keep it real.
ALL: Is it?
(SHUT UP PLAYING ON STEREO)
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut Up Just Shut Up
♪ Well, we try to take it slow
♪ But we're still losing control
♪ And we try to make it work
♪ But it still comes out the worst
♪ 'Cause I'm crazy
♪ Trying to be your lady
♪ I think I'm going crazy
♪ Girl, me and you were just fine.
♪ You know.
♪ We wine and dined. Did them things
that couples do when in love.
♪ You know.
♪ Walks on the beach and stuff.
♪ You know.
♪ Things that lovers say and do.
♪ I love you, boo.
♪ I love you, too.
♪ I miss you a lot.
♪ I miss you even more.
♪ That's why I flew you out
When we was on tour
♪ Shut up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ Shut up Just Shut Up, Shut Up
♪ We try to take it slow
But we're still losing control
♪ And we try to make it work
♪ But we still come out the worst
♪ 'Cause I'm crazy
♪ For trying to be your lady
(MUSIC STOPS)
♪ I think I'm going crazy
♪ Shut up! ♪
That was extraordinary.
Ain't it, though?
I've worked with artists all over
the world for many, many years,
seen some really good ones, some great
ones and some bad ones as well.
However, that was simply the
worst thing I have ever seen.
No, you just need to hear it again 'cause
we were out a little bit in the middle.
- And you were losing the beats.
- I was bang on it, man.
No, I can't afford to
carry you no more.
Carry? You couldn't
carry a handbag.
I would rather watch
my own feet burn,
sitting in my own faeces, being
force-fed my intestines,
rather than hear
that song again.
- Your name?
- MC Perkins.
MC Perkins, I thought, actually,
you handled the rap quite well.
- Lisa?
- Is it?
It is. Lisa, it was all right.
- And Lauren, is it?
- Flygirl Lauren from the Flygirl Collective.
You can't sing. You can't dance.
You've got no image. You
sound like a stabbed cat.
You're a disgrace to singing.
You're a disgrace to music.
Actually, you're a
disgrace to this school.
Am I bothered?
You should be bothered.
- Well, I ain't bothered
- You are… You must be... Why would you…
No, I ain't even bothered.
Do I look bothered?
- Well, why would you go…
- Are you Simon Cowell?
- What?
- You're not even Simon Cowell.
- Look… What's that got to do with…
- You're not even Simon Cowell.
Why should I be bothered if
you're not even Simon Cowell?
- I'm giving you advice…
- Do you love Patrick Kielty?
- I beg your pardon, I do not.
- Do you love Patrick Kielty, though?
Are you Patrick Kielty's bitch?
What? This is…
- "I'm a pop idol. I've got what it takes."
- No.
- You have not.
- Do you manage Will Young?
- Do you manage Will Young?
- You have not.
Who's Alex Parks? Do
you manage Will Young?
- Oh, Will Young?
- Look at me. I ain't even bothered
Yes, you are. You'd like to be here.
Rubbish. Look at my face. Is my face
bothered? I ain't even bothered.
- Look. "Faeces." I ain't even bothered.
- You are.
I'm not bothered.
Look. "You're a disgrace!"
Do I look bothered?
- Am I even bothered? Look. Face. Bothered.
- You've taken it…
Alex Parks. Fame Academy. Kielty.
"You're a disgrace." I ain't bothered!
I'm not bothered that
you're not bothered.
What I'd like you to do is take yourself
and your little friends off the stage.
I'm going to carry on here,
and I'm going to continue
the search for real talent.
X Factor!
There. I'm turning the lights
on now, then, Margaret.
Oh, lovely.
- You ready, then?
- Yes, yes.
Turning them on now, dear.
Michael, for goodness sake.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Just popping out.
(SCREAMING)
So we're doing a bit of
last-minute Christmas shopping.
Listen to this.
And generally when we're
in town at Christmas,
we'll have a Christmas dinner
at Darley's, won't we?
It's a pound more
than the Carvery,
but I mean, that time of year,
everybody goes a bit mad, don't they?
- So we get into Darley's.
- Listen to this.
And my sister Betty's in there
with her husband Laurie.
Well, you went mad, didn't you?
Their son is 23
and pees the bed.
I ain't got time for him.
So we thought we might as well try the food
court at the Prospect Centre, didn't we?
Famous last words.
So we get into the food court,
and they're not doing
Christmas dinner, are they?
17th of November, and they're
not doing Christmas dinner.
Sign's up saying the Council won't let
them sell Christmas dinner till December.
Well, I mean, it's political
correctness gone mad, ain't it?
So earlier,
we'd been given one of those "buy
one, get one free" vouchers,
you know, for the food court.
This is unbelievable.
So they said that's fine, but it's
only redeemable at one counter.
Taste of the Caribbean.
Don't ask.
Well, Ray said they only did that to see if he were
a racist, but he called their bluff, didn't you?
How can I be a racist?
My great-grandfather
was a midget.
So we get this Caribbean
food, don't we?
Listen to this.
Caribbean curry and… What were
the name of that thing with it?
Plantains.
And you'll never guess
what were in the curry,
what meat they'd used
to make the curry with.
Now, this is unbelievable.
Goat.
They've made curry with a goat.
Goat curry.
They've made curry
out of a goat.
The dirty bastards!
Oh, but that ain't it.
Tell them what them
plantains were.
Fried bananas.
This is in Cleethorpes.
Goat curry and fried bananas?
I was looking for Jeremy Beadle.
Fried bananas and
goat curry, £8.50.
And that was with the voucher.
The dirty, evil,
robbing bastards.
No more bets, please.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Mrs Jacobs!
Mrs Jacobs, can you hear me?
(GROANING)
Yeah, you seem to have pressed
the panic button by mistake.
I did. I did press.
Yeah, I know. To be honest with you, it's
only supposed to be used in emergencies.
So if you just let it
go, I'll put it back.
Let it go, love. That's it.
Let it go. Let it go.
(SCREAMING)
Right, now I think what we need
is a bit of fresh air, don't we?
That's it. Mind how you go, now.
Oh. My God!
Oh, my God! Mince pies.
Deep-filled.
Oh. Oh, hello!
Do you know where Mrs Jacobs is?
Oh, you just missed her.
Is it anything important?
Well, I was meant to give her
these pills, but I forgot.
- When was she supposed to take them?
- Tuesday.
Oh, it's only Thursday now.
I wouldn't worry.
Oh, I'm all over
the place today.
I got lost twice, I was
late for my rounds,
and I keep forgetting to
dispense the medication.
Something tells me you're new.
How did you know?
Oh, God, I've been a
nurse for a long time.
You know, you just sort of pick these
things up, you know what I mean?
Do you want to help
me make a bed?
I'm Arthur.
Oh, Arthur.
That's a bit of an unusual name.
It's not often you see a female nurse
with a man's name, you know what I mean?
- What's your name?
- Bernie.
Actually, Arthur's my surname.
I just prefer it.
Oh, you mad bitch!
You've probably seen me looking
at you in the canteen?
Oh, well, a lot of the nurses
look up to me. What can I say?
I suppose I'm a bit of a role
model to them, you know?
But if you've got it, flaunt it.
Oh, you've definitely
got it, Bernie.
Oh, thanks, Arthur.
That's sweet.
At first, I wasn't sure
whether you'd be up for…
- a bit of fun.
- Well, you've got to, haven't you?
I mean, you can get too bogged down in the
whole "saving lives" thing round here.
Actually, I was thinking
of going out tonight.
Fancied a bit of karaoke.
What do you say?
Oh, yeah! Oh, I love singing!
♪ When I'm stuck with a day
That's grey and lonely
♪ I just stick out my chin
And grin and say
- I was thinking…
- ♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow
♪ It's always a day away
- Nice one, Arth…
- ♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow
♪ It's always a day away ♪
Right. Well, I've got to be
going to the X-ray place.
I really fancy you, Bernie.
Oh, God, well, that's… What?
All my life I've been looking for a
flame-haired woman with a strong jaw
and a personality to match.
I know you feel the
same way, Bernie.
No, I think you've got me
wrong, actually, Arthur.
You know, I mean, I've got nothing
against the old muff-munchers but…
Oh, it's not really my sort of
thing, you know what I'm saying?
I mean I like a bit of Patsy Cline, but that's
about as far as I'm willing to take it.
Nurse Bernadette!
I thought I'd seen everything, but now
you're seducing the female staff.
No, Sister, I can
actually explain.
What's wrong? Have you finally gone
through all the men in this hospital?
Well, not all of them. There's a
couple of lads in A&E I would…
Shut up. Both of you
in my office, now.
- You can't sack us just because we're gay.
- That's right, so… What?
What you choose to get up to in the privacy
of your own homes is entirely up to you,
- but you can't waste…
- Now, wait a minute.
You're not lumping me in the same
category as this mad fanny basher.
Your sexuality is
not the issue here.
Oh, yes, it bloody is. For the love
of God, would you ever listen to me?
I like a bit of cock.
Here we go. This
looks like our man.
- Oh, no, ma'am, that's not him.
- And how do you know that?
Because that's not him.
That's not my informer.
- So what have you got for us?
- What?
Come on, I haven't got all day. Tony
Bonito, where is he? I need an address.
- Ma'am, this isn't…
- Whittaker, when I need your help,
I'll ask for it, okay?
I've been dealing with scum like
this since you were in nappies.
Bonito, where is he?
(STUTTERING) I'm sorry. I don't
know who you're talking about.
Well, perhaps this will help
you think more clearly.
- Ma'am, you've got…
- All I need is one address in North London.
So name your price.
Hmm? 200? 300?
Okay, this is my final offer.
400.
- Ma'am, this isn't…
- Yes, Whittaker, I know.
My methods are somewhat unorthodox.
What can I say? Sue me.
What do you say? All this for
one address in North London.
I think he lives in…Holloway.
Um, yeah, Flat 1, Holloway Road.
Flat 1, Holloway Road. I
think that's where he lives.
And I think we finally
understand each other.
Now move it. I don't want to see
your face round here again.
You see, Whittaker, the red ant can
lift eight times its own body weight,
yet it can take Eamonn Holmes 20 minutes
to get up out of an easy chair.
I'm sorry, but I have been working for
two months to corner Tony Bonito.
My informer has never
let me down before,
but thanks to you, he probably
saw all that going on,
did a runner, and now I'll
never hear from him again.
♪ Whatsa matter, you? Hey!
♪ Gotta no respect Hey!
♪ What-a you think you do?
Whittaker
♪ Hey!
♪ Why you look-a so sad?
♪ Hey!
♪ It's-a not so bad
♪ Hey!
♪ It's a nice-a place
♪ Ah, shut uppa your face ♪
Whittaker!
One word.
Haggis.
This is on New Year's Eve.
BOTH: The dirty bastards!
You won't believe this one.
Oh, here we go.
- This one is unbelievable.
- Come on, what's happened?
- I can't tell you.
- Oh, why not?
- 'Cause you ain't gonna believe it.
- Tell me what you've done, babe.
You are going to think I'm an
absolute, total, 100% nutter.
Well, I know that already, don't I?
Come on, spit it out.
Well, you know we always do a Secret
Santa in the office last day.
Secret Santa?
Yeah, you know, where we
all put our name in a hat,
and then we all draw out one name
and buy a present for that person,
except now we aren't allowed
to spend more than a fiver
since last year gay Simon's bought
Lisa a nice pair of gloves,
and that bloke in accounts
got the right hump
'cause he said that
makes him look tight,
and he didn't even know the person
he was supposed to buy for,
and he figures it's a
stupid game anyway.
Yeah, yeah, I remember. Yeah.
- This year, I've only pulled Shelley out the hat.
- No!
- Not Shelley!
- I know.
I thought that's all I need, isn't
it, after last year's fiasco.
What happened last year, babe?
Well, she got really excited 'cause
she wanted The Best of Jamie Cullum,
but she ended up with a
bumper pack of Immac,
which is a bit much as she's got a
5:00 shadow at the best of times.
Nightmare!
I know. We were treading
on eggshells all year.
So what did you do?
Well, I thought, "What
am I gonna do?"
But anyway it turns out all right
'cause last week she's turned to me
and she said, "Here, Sam, if Secret
Santa ain't sure what to get me",
"tell him I want a pair of big silver
hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera."
So I've bought her the earrings. I've wrapped up
the earrings. I put the earrings under the tree.
And then today, we're all
unwrapping our presents…
What's happened now?
Shelley's got her present. She's unwrapped it.
She's opened it. And she's giving me one look,
and she said, "Cheers,
babe, but I don't smoke."
Don't smoke? What's
she on about?
I thought, "What's
she on about?"
And I've looked over, and she's
only holding a packet of cigars.
- What's she doing with them?
- You know what I've done, don't you?
I've only mixed up her earrings with
those cigars I was gonna give to you.
- You don't mean…
- Yeah.
Somewhere under that tree, you've got a pair of
big silver hoop earrings like Christina Aguilera.
- How do you do it, babe?
- How do I do it?
Someone is going to
lock you up one day.
- Bang me right up, won't they?
- What are you like?
I'm a lunatic!
Who is Christina Aguilera?
I dunno!
(THUDDING)
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
You hear something?
Come on, then, we
know you're up there.
You won't believe
what's happened to me.
What's happened?
She is a nutter.
Go on, babe.
This is a classic.
Well, let us hear it.
I went to sleep. I woke up. I got out
of bed. I went to open the presents.
They weren't no presents.
But Father Christmas ain't been yet, babe.
It's only 10 past nine.
- I know. Guess what I've done?
- Guess what she's done.
BOTH: What have you done?
I've only woke up half an hour
after I've gone to sleep.
- What am I like?
- They know what you're like.
BOTH: We know what you're like.
- You know what I'm like.
- What did I tell you?
ALL: She's a lunatic!
Margaret!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Margaret, the film's starting.
Margaret!
(SCREAMING)
The, um,
the film's starting.
Right, well, I'm just
going to clean my teeth.
Oh, look at this. Oh,
ain't it beautiful, eh?
Oh, ain't they done
it up lovely, eh?
Oh, have a look who it is. Hello,
Sadie, darling, how are you?
You all right? They looking after you?
Aren't you… Look, it's Jimmy.
Jimmy, love, I didn't expect to see
you here today. Feeling better?
Fighting fit.
(CACKLING)
Maggie Johnson, there's
a surprise, eh?
How do you like this, then, Mag, eh?
Ain't it lovely, eh?
- Good luck to you. Benny!
- Yeah.
Benny's here, and
he's got his hat on.
Don't he look smart?
Oh, that's it.
Aye, aye, Morris. Here
we are again, eh?
Here, I should have a little drink
with you later, sweetheart. That's it.
Oh, ain't it lovely?
There you are, sweetheart. Ain't it
lovely to see all the old faces, eh?
Don't they fucking stink?
Whoo!
Oh! Cor, blimey.
I'm…
- I'm so glad you could make it, Mrs Taylor.
- Oh, hello, Father.
Oh, how lovely to
see you, though.
Nice to see you, Jamie. Can I
get you both a nice cup of tea?
Oh, no, don't get him nothing, darling. He
drinks it all day. Ain't got a job, see.
- Yes, please, two sugars for both of us.
- I'll take that.
Here.
Have you seen the state
of the people in here?
I don't know where they come from. Really,
I don't. I ain't never seen a mob like it.
I mean, have a look. That woman over
there, she's got a head the size of a pig.
- Nan, they're volunteers.
- Volunteers?
Have you seen them? Hello, love.
They look like the
fucking Munsters.
- Nan, please.
- Oh, I mean, come on… Have a look.
Here, have a look. That fellow over
there, he's got a hook for a hand.
(SHOUTING) The man has
got an hook for a hand!
Oh, cor, blimey! That… Oh, that's
all I need. I feel bilious now.
All right, Nan.
Here, you don't think it's that man they
tried to sling out the country, do you?
(SHOUTING) That fellow with
the turban and the hook!
They said they was gonna
have a celebrity here today.
Nan, don't be so rude. That's Malcolm.
You know him.
He usually wears a prosthetic hand.
He must be having a new one made.
Well, you'd think he'd have the decency
to stay at home till he had it done.
I shouldn't have
to look at that.
I mean, fair's fair. It's
Christmas, not fucking Halloween.
Hello, there. You ready
for your Chrissy dins?
She talking to me?
It's all piping hot.
Oh, no thanks, love. I
ate before I came out.
I ain't touching that muck.
Actually, it's a
Gordon Ramsay recipe.
- Who is it?
- Gordon Ramsay.
What, that fellow off the telly
who don't stop swearing?
- Nan.
- Oh, no, I can't watch him.
F-ing this and F-ing that.
No, no, that's
diabolical, that is.
£126 I pay...
£126 I pay for a television
licence to listen to that.
Nan, you're a pensioner. You
don't pay for your TV licence.
Yeah, I know that, but I still got
to listen to him swearing, ain't I?
Gordon F-ing Ramsay.
What a fucking liberty!
Jamie, would you mind helping
me with the sound system?
- Sure, you'll be all right, Nan?
- Yeah.
Malcolm, do you want to come and
sit with Mrs Taylor for a while?
Oh, no, I don't know
about that, love.
Malcolm's our administrator.
Ah, good to see you.
Do you know, we've got a real
mixed bag of people here today.
Yeah, ain't we just?
I think news of our celebrity guest
must've leaked out, you know.
I've never seen so
many people here.
Yeah, ain't it lovely?
Father Elliot asked me to
help with the PA system,
but I'm afraid at the moment, things like
that can be a bit fiddly for me, you know.
Oh, yeah? Why is that, son?
Well, this, really.
Oh, I can't say I noticed
that straight off.
Really?
Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit
old-fashioned like that, you know.
I tend not to judge people
by the way they look.
- Say, that was quick.
- Yeah, we're all up and running.
Nan, this is Charlotte. She's
going to be singing today.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello, darling.
Hello, Charlotte. I'm Malcolm.
We met before.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
He'll have your fingers off with that!
It's really nice to see you again, Charlotte.
I really do appreciate you coming.
We've all been
really so excited.
Mrs Taylor, I hope
you enjoy your day.
Yeah, well, we ain't
staying all day.
Nan, you know who
this is, don't you?
Charlotte Church.
Yeah, you said, yes. Oh,
lovely to meet you, Charlotte.
No, Nan, it's Charlotte
Church, remember?
Charlotte Church?
Of course I fucking remember.
You only told me a minute ago.
No, Nan, Charlotte's
the singer you like.
Singer?
Oh!
Oh, have a look! It's
Charlotte Church.
(CACKLING)
Yeah, I know.
Oh, don't you look
beautiful, darling?
Oh, and I remember when
you was a little girl,
and you used to sing all
them little opera songs.
Oh, I must say you look beautiful
in real life, sweetheart.
Thank you very much.
'Cause every time I see you in them
magazines, you're as pissed as arseholes.
I mean, everywhere you look, there's
photographs of you rolling around drunk.
Charlotte Church,
voice of an angel,
liver of a wino.
I'm surprised you found time
to come here tonight, darling,
'cause I thought you spend most of
your time falling out of clubs.
Well, actually, I spend
most of my time singing.
Oh, well, I expect
you do, sweetheart,
'cause my friend Jeannie,
she likes a shandy.
She usually gives everyone a
song when she gets bladdered.
Nan, the stuff in the magazines is just an
image the press has created for Charlotte.
No, your Nan is right.
I do like a drink.
Maybe once I've done my bit, we can
all have a bevvy together later?
That's it, lovely, sweetheart.
I tell you what, you go and sing
your song, and then after that,
you two lovebirds can have a nice little drink
on your own, no interruptions, that's it.
- Nan, please!
- I'm sorry. I've got a boyfriend.
Yeah, we think he
probably has as well.
Hello, would you all please welcome
to St Thomas' Community Centre
Miss Charlotte Church.
(CACKLING)
Go on, darling!
Why do you always do it? Why do you
always put me in embarrassing situations?
Embarrassing situations?
You wanna talk.
Running off with celebrities while I'm
sat here with Metal fucking Mickey?
♪ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
♪ Jack Frost nipping at your nose
♪ Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
♪ And folks dressed up like Eskimos… ♪
What a load of old shit!
Take it away, lads!
Hey, hey! One, two, three.
♪ I don't care, I don't care, I
don't care if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer in the sideboard here. Let
mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care I
don't care if he comes round here
♪ Got my beer in the sideboard here Let
mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I don't care, I don't care I
don't care if he comes round here
♪ Got my beer in the sideboard here Let
mother sort it out if he comes round here
♪ I've got my beer, let
Mother sort it out 'cause I don't care
♪ I've got my beer, let Mother sort it out
I don't care if he comes round here ♪