The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
- Ally!
- Hello!
I didn't know you were back.
How was your holiday?
- Oh, it was fantastic.
- Ally's just come back from Greece.
- Oh, we were there at the beginning of June.
- No! Oh, it's gorgeous, isn't it?
Yeah, I've been loads, but it's
the first time I'd taken Nick.
- Oh, God, you went together?
- Yeah.
Do you know, I think
that is fantastic.
I'd never go on
holiday with my mum.
Polly's not my mum,
she's my girlfriend.
Hrnm?
Right.
Yeah, good, 'cause I didn't mean
you looked older than him, no, no,
I didn't… You look…
You look taller than him. Just, you
just seem a bit taller than him…
which is odd, isn't it, given
that you're shorter than him.
Odd in a good way. Hmm?
So…
You've got beautiful eyes.
God…
♪ Bright eyes
♪ Burning like fire ♪
(WHIMPERING)
- Well, you won't believe this one.
- This one is unbelievable.
- About three weeks ago we was in Leeds.
- We'd been to see her brother. Don't ask.
Anyhow, we were on our way back and
we thought we'd stop for a pub lunch.
- What was that pub called?
- No idea.
Anyhow, we gets in…
Listen to this.
And they were all from
Thailand, weren't they?
Not the customers, the
people doing the food.
All of them, from Thailand.
Chinese, basically.
You went mad, didn't you?
All I wanted, right, was
fish and chips, maybe a pie.
But all they did was
this Thai food.
Food from Thailand.
This is in Leeds.
So you asked if they
did chips, didn't you?
Now you tell me somewhere
that doesn't do chips.
No chips. Well, you
went mad, didn't you?
I'm only flesh and blood.
So the woman says, "Why
don't you try vegetable…"
What were it called?
Tempura.
So we've ordered two of 'em and
two lager shandies, didn't we?
Just a half each.
Well, this tempura stuff
arrived, didn't it?
This is unbelievable.
Well, he went absolutely
mad, didn't you?
Do you know what it is, eh? This… this
tempura, right, shall I tell you?
Battered veg.
We couldn't believe
it, could we?
Battered veg.
Nowt with it.
Veg battered.
Well, actually there was
summat with it, weren't there?
Oh, listen to this.
Spicy jam.
Seriously.
Little blob of jam, jam
like that, but spicy.
Battered veg with spicy jam.
The dirty bastards.
But that's not the best bit.
Oh, two plates of battered veg, right, blob
of spicy jam like that, two lager shandies.
- Halves.
- £11.40.
Not even pints.
£11.40 for battered veg.
The dirty, evil,
robbing bastards.
£5.00 and another five makes 10.
Thank you.
Morning. How are we today?
Morning, Derek. You know, can't complain.
Do you want to pay for your papers?
Yes, please, Vivienne.
And where were you yesterday?
- Mother and I had a little day out.
- Oh, lovely. That's £6, please, Derek.
And these as well?
- Er, yes.
- Er, £2.50 and £1.50.
- Right, that's £10.00 exactly, please, Derek.
- Thank you.
Derek, can I ask your
advice on something?
Who, dear? Me, dear? Advice, dear?
Yes, dear.
It's a bit delicate.
Well, you know me, dear, I'm
discretion personified.
It's Paul, our eldest. Well he's,
well… We think he might be gay.
Oh, I see.
In your experience,
do you think we should ask him, or do you
think we should wait for him to tell us?
What do you mean,
in my experience?
Well, did you tell your mother you
were gay, or did she know already?
I beg pardon?
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to be rude.
How very dare you?
How very dare you?
Mother and I have been coming
in this shop for 25 years,
and I have never
been so insulted.
Derek, I'm sorry, I've
just always assumed…
Just because a man wears a little bit of
foundation and takes care of his appearance,
you automatically accuse
him of hiding the sausage?
Well, I find you impertinent.
- I don't know what to say.
- "just always assumed"?
How very dare you?
I forgot Mother's magazines.
They're here. Wildlife
Countryside and… Hot Muscle?
She's been very ill.
(SIGHING)
You've been to
China, haven't you?
No.
I thought you had.
No, not me.
- I could have sworn it was you that went to China.
- No, I've never been to China.
Incredible language, Chinese.
Hmm.
(IMITATING CHINESE)
(CONTINUES IMITATING CHINESE)
Sounds a bit like
that, doesn't it?
Yeah. Listen, I've really got
to get on with this, so…
Do you know, there are no swear
words in the Chinese language.
Right.
We were having a conversation about
swearing in the workplace at lunch.
- Were you?
- Yeah, a really good conversation, actually.
I'm sure. Look, I'm not being rude,
but I've really got to finish this.
Guess which swear word
people find most offensive?
Oh.
Go on, guess which swear word people in
this office find the most offensive?
I really wouldn't know.
Of course you wouldn't, that's what
makes guessing such a brilliant game.
- Um…
- Come on.
- I don't swear very much.
- It doesn't matter, join in the game.
I suppose it depends
on the individual.
Come on, which swear word did everyone in this
office collectively find the most offensive?
I haven't a clue.
Just take a bloody guess!
Look, there's one already.
- I'm really no good at this sort of thing.
- It's just a bit of fun, guess!
- Come on!
- Tit wank.
Tit wank? Tit wank?
When have you ever heard anyone
in this office say "tit wank"?
I said I didn't know.
Anyway, "tit wank" is two swear
words, not one, so try again.
- I think it might be hyphenated.
- Come on!
Willy.
Willy? Willy?
I said the most offensive swear word
in the office, not the playground.
- Twat.
- No, come on.
- Tosser.
- No.
- Toss pot.
- No.
- Tossed off.
- Stop tossing!
- Phallus.
- What?
- Minge.
- Right, forget it.
Frig...
- It's frig, isn't it?
- No.
Jiz...
(WHISPERING) Cunt.
The most offensive swear word
to people in this office…
(WHISPERING) …is "cunt".
That word is so offensive!
Yes, it is.
Are you sure people in this office use
that word? I've never heard them.
That's because they're usually
talking about you, not to you.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Thank you for
coming, Annie, take a seat.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) So, what's
the problem this time?
Annie, I think you know.
Your methods of late have
become somewhat unorthodox.
I get results, Robert,
and I save lives.
You overruled the decisions
of two senior doctors.
I saved the lives of three people
who would otherwise have died
had I been too
polite to intervene.
You're making enemies around here, Annie.
I'd be careful if I were you.
Funny, I thought I was
making a difference.
For what it's worth,
I think you're one of the most talented
doctors to come to this hospital
in a long time,
- but my advice, don't be a maverick.
- Of course, I know what all this is really about.
It's because I'm a woman!
DIRECTOR: Cut! Okay, guys, that's a wrap.
We'll pick it up on Monday.
Mark it. Action.
For what it's worth,
I think you're one of the most talented doctors
to come to this hospital in a long time,
but my advice, don't
be a maverick.
Of course, I know what all
this is really about.
It's because I'm a woman.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, come on, Robert.
If Jack Morgan had done this,
or any other junior doctor for that
matter, they'd have been applauded.
This isn't about hospital policy or protocol,
this is plain old-fashioned double standards.
For God's sakes, get a hold of yourself.
It's no such thing.
Open your eyes, Robert,
it happens all the time.
You're not seriously going to file a
complaint on the grounds of sexism?
DIRECTOR: Okay, let's hold it there. George,
George, we're losing your eye line.
Okay, let's pick it up. Action.
For God's sakes, get a hold of
yourself, it's no such thing.
Oh, open your eyes, Robert,
it happens all the time.
You're not seriously going to file a
complaint on the grounds of sexism?
You try and stop me.
I'm going to drag this hospital into the
21st century if it's the last thing I do.
What are you doing?
DIRECTOR: Hold it there.
George, George, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Okay, mark it. Action.
Frankly, the way you behaved, I think
you're getting off lightly with a warning.
Annie, Annie, a minute. I…
(MOANING)
Gross.
- DIRECTOR: Cut!
- Oh, gross.
Did you see that thing on last
night about plastic surgery?
Did you see it, though?
Oh, my God, that was well bad, I thought
I was going to be sick or summat.
Did you see that woman
having liposuction, though?
Did you see it, though?
Did you see when they ripped
open her stomach, though?
Did you see what her fat
looked like, though?
I nearly puked up, man. All that
white stuff mixed up with blood.
- Innit, though?
- Did you see how they get it out, though?
Oh, my God, did you
see it, though?
That big metal contraption thing, they stuck
it in her bum, innit, sucking out the blubber.
I can't eat no more.
Did you see how much
it cost, though?
Did you see it, though?
£3,000, can you believe it?
I'm definitely getting
that when I'm older.
You better start saving
now, then, innit?
- Hello, girls.
- Awright.
Why aren't you outside?
It's a nice day, you know.
It's boring outside, sir.
If you don't mind me joining you, I
need to prep for my next lesson.
That's fine.
- I like your trainers, sir.
- Thank you.
- Where did you get 'em?
- I bought them in New York.
Is it?
Have you got a lot
of shoes, sir?
A few pairs.
Are you gay, sir?
- What?
- Are you gay, sir?
- Lauren, please.
- Are you gay, though, sir?
No, of course I'm not gay.
Are you homophobic, sir?
- Am I what?
- Are you homophobic, sir?
- No, of course not.
- So you're gay, then?
- No, I'm not.
- Do your friends know you're gay?
Oh, for goodness sake…
- Are you their funny gay friend, sir?
- All right, that's enough.
Do you know Graham Norton, sir?
Are you Graham
Norton's bitch, sir?
Do you love him, sir?
- No, Lauren, I don't love Graham Norton.
- Did Graham Norton break your heart, sir?
- Lauren, I'm actually married with two children.
- Are you in the closet, sir?
For goodness sake…
- Come out of the closet, sir.
- Lauren…
- You should come out of the closet, though.
- Lauren, please.
It's only fair on your wife.
- I'm warning you.
- Is your wife a lesbian, sir?
- Right, I'm getting angry now.
- Are you a militant gay, sir?
- What?
- Do you go on marches?
Lauren, for goodness sake,
how many times… I'm not gay.
Are you homophobic, sir?
- You don't even know what homophobic means.
- I don't need to, I ain't gay.
All right, that's enough.
You two should be
ashamed of yourselves.
This sort of behaviour is
totally unacceptable, and you,
you, young lady, you are
skating on very thin ice,
and believe you me, you are this
far away from being expelled.
Am I bothered?
- Lauren…
- Am I bothered, though?
- Lauren, please.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- For goodness sake…
- Is my face bothered?
- Lauren…
- Is my face bothered?
- Listen to me.
- Look at my face.
- Lauren.
- Look at my face.
- Lauren…
- Are you looking at my face?
- Yes.
- Is any part of it bothered?
- You sound ridiculous.
- You sound gay.
What do you think your
friends really think of you?
- I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- For goodness sake.
- Face. Look. Face. Bothered.
- Lauren… Please…
- Face. Not bothered. Look. Face.
- Don't… Will you just…
- Bothered. "Shut that door. Shut that door."
- You… Lauren!
- Not bothered. Face. Look. Bothered. Face.
- Look… Can you just… No, don't…
- "I'm free! I'm free!"
- What?
- "Shut that door. Ooh, Betty, Ooh, Betty!" Face.
- This is… Can you…
- Look. Bothered. Face. I ain't bothered!
- Lauren… Can you…
Lauren! I am so
disappointed in you.
God, when everyone else in this
school had given up hope on you,
I was the only one prepared
to give you another chance.
Unlike you, I am bothered.
I feel let down, and well, to be
honest, I'm a little bit hurt.
You are gay, sir.
You are not going to believe
what's happened to me today.
- What have you done?
- I'm not joking,
- you are going to die when you hear what I did.
- What's happened?
- I can't tell you.
- Why not?
'Cause you're gonna die.
Tell me what you've done.
This morning, right, I've gone down the
shop by the bus stop to get some milk,
you know like I do sometimes
when we run out of milk,
and the man behind the counter
says, "That's 3.25, please."
And I thought, "Hold on, 3.25 for two pints
of milk, that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
Then I've looked down, I'm only holding a Marie
Claire Hair & Beauty and a caramel Wispa.
What are you like?
- I know. But that ain't it.
- That ain't it?
So, I give him a fiver, he
looks at me and he says…
- What's he say?
- He says,
- "I can't take this, love."
- He can't take it?
- He says, "This ain't a fiver."
- It ain't a fiver?
- It weren't a fiver!
- It weren't a fiver?
It weren't a fiver. You know
what I've done, don't ya?
What you done?
I've opened me purse to give him
the money, I've pulled out a note,
I've give him the note, he's taken the
note, I'm standing, waiting for me change,
he's give me one look,
he's staring at the note,
he said, "I can't take this." I said,
"What do you mean, you can't take this?"
He said, "This ain't a
fiver, this is five euros."
- What, you've given him five euros?
- I've give him five euros.
Yeah, well, it's an
easy mistake to make.
I ain't told you what else
happened to me today.
- What happened?
- You are gonna wet yourself when I tell you this.
What did you do?
Lunchtime, right, I've gone
down Gino's with Shelley
and that new girl who sits by the
machine, don't really like her
but she brought in panettone cake on her
first day, and everyone deserves a chance.
So we get to the counter,
and Shelley says,
"I think I'm gonna have one of them
buffalo mozzarella sandwiches."
And I said, "I think I
will, too, as it goes."
The new girl couldn't make up her
mind, so we just left her there.
I mean, I'm not Nelson Mandela.
- I get back to me desk…
- Yeah?
- I sit down, I open me bag…
- Yeah?
- You'll never guess what's in my sandwich.
- What?
- Egg and cress!
- No!
My life, I've picked up an egg and
cress instead of buffalo mozzarella!
Yeah, well you picked up the
wrong one, it can happen.
'Ere, Sam.
- You've been having me on!
- I've been having you on!
You've been having me on since
I walked through that door!
Since you walked
through that door!
I thought you thought
it weren't funny!
Not funny? "I've only
given him five euros!"
I've given him five euros!
- You thought it was a fiver.
- I know!
- And then the sandwich shop…
- Don't!
Egg and cress. You thought you
was getting buffalo mozzarella!
I know!
What is buffalo mozzarella?
I dunno!
One word.
"Escargot."
This is in Paris.
The dirty bastards!
Oh, thank you. I
bought it last week.
- Ally!
- Hello, I heard you were here.
- Yeah, do you know David?
- No, hello, I'm Ally.
Film.
How many words?
- No…
- Oh. Book?
- No, no…
- Slow down! Do the whole thing.
Psycho.
He's deaf.
My Left Foot
No, he's deaf.
Hrnm?
Right. Yeah, right, God, no, yeah,
God, no, yeah, I didn't mean… Can…
Sorry, can you tell
him, I didn't mean…
- You can tell him yourself.
- Right.
So…
Hello.
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to offend you.
Hmm. Are you tired?
I'm, I'm tired.
I'm going to go to bed now.
Downstairs.
My boyfriend got a pay rise.
37,500 a year, plus perks,
plus a company car.
Yeah.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
- Is that you, sweetheart?
- Hello, Nan.
Here he is. You
come up and see me?
You know I have.
(CACKLING)
- Oh, you are a good boy.
- You all right?
Yeah, lovely. Did you
bring me up me bits?
- Madeira cake.
- Oh, that's it, lovely.
Oh, I just fancied a bit of Madeira cake.
You don't mind, do you, love?
Course not.
Oh, that's it, look at that,
I'll have a go at that later.
(CACKLING)
- What are you laughing for?
- Oh, God knows!
Have you been drinking?
I might have had a livener or three,
what's it got to do with you?
Do you want a nice
bacon sandwich, son?
- I'll make you a nice bacon sandwich if you like.
- I'm all right thanks, Nan.
I don't mind, throw a couple of rashers
in the pan, bit of fat, crisp it up.
Butter a few slices, you can have it
with that nice red sauce you like.
- Nan, I don't want anything.
- What do you want then, a bit of coleslaw?
Wouldn't mind a cup of tea.
I can't be messing about
with cups of tea, love.
It ain't an hotel.
Here, here, I'll tell you who I saw,
oh, I'll tell you who I saw today.
Coming out of the post office, bumped right
into him, I ain't seen him in years,
what a smashing fellow.
- Who's that?
- Who's what?
- In the post office?
- I was in there this morning.
Yeah, you said. Who
did you see in there?
Here, I'll tell you who I saw
in there, young Tommy Upson.
- Who's Tommy Upson?
- Who?
- Tommy Upson?
- I saw him in the post office this morning.
Yeah, used to live down Ormande
Yard when we were kids.
Oh, we have had a laugh.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Who's that?
I just told you who it
is, Tommy fucking Upson!
What's the matter with you? May
God forgive me for swearing,
you'll make my nerves
bad, you will.
- Aye aye.
- Here he is.
Is that better, sweetheart?
Oh, I'm about a stone lighter now.
Flushed itself.
Oh. Yes?
I'll tell you something, it's good to see
you've got plenty of loo rolls in there.
- 36 I counted.
- Yeah, well they don't eat nothing, do they?
I can't understand it, you go
to someone's house for a pony
and you've got to
ration your wipes.
You never have to hold back up here,
Tom, and I mean that sincerely.
- Here you are, go on, sweetheart, sit back down.
- That's it, that's it.
There's a drink there. Here you are, Tom.
This is my Diane's boy, Jamie.
- Hello, son.
- Nice to meet you.
He's home early,
ain't he got a job?
- No, we tried everything, he ain't interested.
- I'm at university.
Oh, that's right. Your Nan said
something about you being gay.
I'm not gay, I've
got a girlfriend.
Very plain girl she is, but
then again, he is short.
- My brother, he had a gay dog.
- Who, your Billy?
- That's right. Cost him a fortune in vet's bills.
- A gay dog?
No, not gay, um, diabetic.
Some kind of disability.
Being gay isn't a disability.
Well, it ain't exactly helped
you in getting a job, has it?
You want to get out
and push, son.
When I was your age, I was up
to my eyeballs in the shit.
Three kids to feed and a
Welsh dresser to pay for.
I had no time for reading.
My wife, Lily…
- She was a grafter.
- Very hard-working woman she was.
Oh. I was blessed every
day that I was with her.
She used to model
herself on Coco Chanel.
She always wore a matching
hat, shoes, gloves, handbag.
Not a lot of people can pull off a look
like that in a motorised wheelchair.
- She had a lot of style, I'll say that about her.
- I can't believe she's gone.
She's with you, darling, she's
always there, in your heart.
- Oh, I know. I know she is.
- Yeah.
Now, don't get upset, sweetheart,
'cause you'll start me off.
♪ When you're weary, feeling small
Go on, love.
♪ When tears are in your eyes
♪ I will dry them all
That's it, sweetheart.
♪ I'm on your side
♪ Oh, when times get rough
Go on, love.
♪ And friends just can't be found
♪ Like a bridge over…
Help me! Help me!
♪ …troubled water
I will lay me down
♪ Like a bridge over troubled water
♪ I will lay me down ♪
Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset, darling.
She's looking down on you.
I know.
- She's looking down on you, don't you worry.
- I know she is.
She wouldn't want to see
you like this, would she?
No, she wouldn't want to
see me upset, though.
- That's it.
- I'm gonna go.
There's a feature-length Tagger!
on tonight.
(FARTS)
- Well, you know where I am, sweetheart.
- I know where you are. Ta-Ra.
- Ta-Ra, darling.
- Take care.
Look after her, gay boy.
Ta-Ra!
Ta-Ra, Tommy, sweetheart,
mind how you go, love.
What a fucking liberty!
He's used all me fucking
lavatory paper!
What was he fucking doing in there?
Making fucking flags?
And as for his old woman, Coco Chanel?
More like Coco the fucking Clown!
- Hello!
I didn't know you were back.
How was your holiday?
- Oh, it was fantastic.
- Ally's just come back from Greece.
- Oh, we were there at the beginning of June.
- No! Oh, it's gorgeous, isn't it?
Yeah, I've been loads, but it's
the first time I'd taken Nick.
- Oh, God, you went together?
- Yeah.
Do you know, I think
that is fantastic.
I'd never go on
holiday with my mum.
Polly's not my mum,
she's my girlfriend.
Hrnm?
Right.
Yeah, good, 'cause I didn't mean
you looked older than him, no, no,
I didn't… You look…
You look taller than him. Just, you
just seem a bit taller than him…
which is odd, isn't it, given
that you're shorter than him.
Odd in a good way. Hmm?
So…
You've got beautiful eyes.
God…
♪ Bright eyes
♪ Burning like fire ♪
(WHIMPERING)
- Well, you won't believe this one.
- This one is unbelievable.
- About three weeks ago we was in Leeds.
- We'd been to see her brother. Don't ask.
Anyhow, we were on our way back and
we thought we'd stop for a pub lunch.
- What was that pub called?
- No idea.
Anyhow, we gets in…
Listen to this.
And they were all from
Thailand, weren't they?
Not the customers, the
people doing the food.
All of them, from Thailand.
Chinese, basically.
You went mad, didn't you?
All I wanted, right, was
fish and chips, maybe a pie.
But all they did was
this Thai food.
Food from Thailand.
This is in Leeds.
So you asked if they
did chips, didn't you?
Now you tell me somewhere
that doesn't do chips.
No chips. Well, you
went mad, didn't you?
I'm only flesh and blood.
So the woman says, "Why
don't you try vegetable…"
What were it called?
Tempura.
So we've ordered two of 'em and
two lager shandies, didn't we?
Just a half each.
Well, this tempura stuff
arrived, didn't it?
This is unbelievable.
Well, he went absolutely
mad, didn't you?
Do you know what it is, eh? This… this
tempura, right, shall I tell you?
Battered veg.
We couldn't believe
it, could we?
Battered veg.
Nowt with it.
Veg battered.
Well, actually there was
summat with it, weren't there?
Oh, listen to this.
Spicy jam.
Seriously.
Little blob of jam, jam
like that, but spicy.
Battered veg with spicy jam.
The dirty bastards.
But that's not the best bit.
Oh, two plates of battered veg, right, blob
of spicy jam like that, two lager shandies.
- Halves.
- £11.40.
Not even pints.
£11.40 for battered veg.
The dirty, evil,
robbing bastards.
£5.00 and another five makes 10.
Thank you.
Morning. How are we today?
Morning, Derek. You know, can't complain.
Do you want to pay for your papers?
Yes, please, Vivienne.
And where were you yesterday?
- Mother and I had a little day out.
- Oh, lovely. That's £6, please, Derek.
And these as well?
- Er, yes.
- Er, £2.50 and £1.50.
- Right, that's £10.00 exactly, please, Derek.
- Thank you.
Derek, can I ask your
advice on something?
Who, dear? Me, dear? Advice, dear?
Yes, dear.
It's a bit delicate.
Well, you know me, dear, I'm
discretion personified.
It's Paul, our eldest. Well he's,
well… We think he might be gay.
Oh, I see.
In your experience,
do you think we should ask him, or do you
think we should wait for him to tell us?
What do you mean,
in my experience?
Well, did you tell your mother you
were gay, or did she know already?
I beg pardon?
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to be rude.
How very dare you?
How very dare you?
Mother and I have been coming
in this shop for 25 years,
and I have never
been so insulted.
Derek, I'm sorry, I've
just always assumed…
Just because a man wears a little bit of
foundation and takes care of his appearance,
you automatically accuse
him of hiding the sausage?
Well, I find you impertinent.
- I don't know what to say.
- "just always assumed"?
How very dare you?
I forgot Mother's magazines.
They're here. Wildlife
Countryside and… Hot Muscle?
She's been very ill.
(SIGHING)
You've been to
China, haven't you?
No.
I thought you had.
No, not me.
- I could have sworn it was you that went to China.
- No, I've never been to China.
Incredible language, Chinese.
Hmm.
(IMITATING CHINESE)
(CONTINUES IMITATING CHINESE)
Sounds a bit like
that, doesn't it?
Yeah. Listen, I've really got
to get on with this, so…
Do you know, there are no swear
words in the Chinese language.
Right.
We were having a conversation about
swearing in the workplace at lunch.
- Were you?
- Yeah, a really good conversation, actually.
I'm sure. Look, I'm not being rude,
but I've really got to finish this.
Guess which swear word
people find most offensive?
Oh.
Go on, guess which swear word people in
this office find the most offensive?
I really wouldn't know.
Of course you wouldn't, that's what
makes guessing such a brilliant game.
- Um…
- Come on.
- I don't swear very much.
- It doesn't matter, join in the game.
I suppose it depends
on the individual.
Come on, which swear word did everyone in this
office collectively find the most offensive?
I haven't a clue.
Just take a bloody guess!
Look, there's one already.
- I'm really no good at this sort of thing.
- It's just a bit of fun, guess!
- Come on!
- Tit wank.
Tit wank? Tit wank?
When have you ever heard anyone
in this office say "tit wank"?
I said I didn't know.
Anyway, "tit wank" is two swear
words, not one, so try again.
- I think it might be hyphenated.
- Come on!
Willy.
Willy? Willy?
I said the most offensive swear word
in the office, not the playground.
- Twat.
- No, come on.
- Tosser.
- No.
- Toss pot.
- No.
- Tossed off.
- Stop tossing!
- Phallus.
- What?
- Minge.
- Right, forget it.
Frig...
- It's frig, isn't it?
- No.
Jiz...
(WHISPERING) Cunt.
The most offensive swear word
to people in this office…
(WHISPERING) …is "cunt".
That word is so offensive!
Yes, it is.
Are you sure people in this office use
that word? I've never heard them.
That's because they're usually
talking about you, not to you.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Thank you for
coming, Annie, take a seat.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) So, what's
the problem this time?
Annie, I think you know.
Your methods of late have
become somewhat unorthodox.
I get results, Robert,
and I save lives.
You overruled the decisions
of two senior doctors.
I saved the lives of three people
who would otherwise have died
had I been too
polite to intervene.
You're making enemies around here, Annie.
I'd be careful if I were you.
Funny, I thought I was
making a difference.
For what it's worth,
I think you're one of the most talented
doctors to come to this hospital
in a long time,
- but my advice, don't be a maverick.
- Of course, I know what all this is really about.
It's because I'm a woman!
DIRECTOR: Cut! Okay, guys, that's a wrap.
We'll pick it up on Monday.
Mark it. Action.
For what it's worth,
I think you're one of the most talented doctors
to come to this hospital in a long time,
but my advice, don't
be a maverick.
Of course, I know what all
this is really about.
It's because I'm a woman.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, come on, Robert.
If Jack Morgan had done this,
or any other junior doctor for that
matter, they'd have been applauded.
This isn't about hospital policy or protocol,
this is plain old-fashioned double standards.
For God's sakes, get a hold of yourself.
It's no such thing.
Open your eyes, Robert,
it happens all the time.
You're not seriously going to file a
complaint on the grounds of sexism?
DIRECTOR: Okay, let's hold it there. George,
George, we're losing your eye line.
Okay, let's pick it up. Action.
For God's sakes, get a hold of
yourself, it's no such thing.
Oh, open your eyes, Robert,
it happens all the time.
You're not seriously going to file a
complaint on the grounds of sexism?
You try and stop me.
I'm going to drag this hospital into the
21st century if it's the last thing I do.
What are you doing?
DIRECTOR: Hold it there.
George, George, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Okay, mark it. Action.
Frankly, the way you behaved, I think
you're getting off lightly with a warning.
Annie, Annie, a minute. I…
(MOANING)
Gross.
- DIRECTOR: Cut!
- Oh, gross.
Did you see that thing on last
night about plastic surgery?
Did you see it, though?
Oh, my God, that was well bad, I thought
I was going to be sick or summat.
Did you see that woman
having liposuction, though?
Did you see it, though?
Did you see when they ripped
open her stomach, though?
Did you see what her fat
looked like, though?
I nearly puked up, man. All that
white stuff mixed up with blood.
- Innit, though?
- Did you see how they get it out, though?
Oh, my God, did you
see it, though?
That big metal contraption thing, they stuck
it in her bum, innit, sucking out the blubber.
I can't eat no more.
Did you see how much
it cost, though?
Did you see it, though?
£3,000, can you believe it?
I'm definitely getting
that when I'm older.
You better start saving
now, then, innit?
- Hello, girls.
- Awright.
Why aren't you outside?
It's a nice day, you know.
It's boring outside, sir.
If you don't mind me joining you, I
need to prep for my next lesson.
That's fine.
- I like your trainers, sir.
- Thank you.
- Where did you get 'em?
- I bought them in New York.
Is it?
Have you got a lot
of shoes, sir?
A few pairs.
Are you gay, sir?
- What?
- Are you gay, sir?
- Lauren, please.
- Are you gay, though, sir?
No, of course I'm not gay.
Are you homophobic, sir?
- Am I what?
- Are you homophobic, sir?
- No, of course not.
- So you're gay, then?
- No, I'm not.
- Do your friends know you're gay?
Oh, for goodness sake…
- Are you their funny gay friend, sir?
- All right, that's enough.
Do you know Graham Norton, sir?
Are you Graham
Norton's bitch, sir?
Do you love him, sir?
- No, Lauren, I don't love Graham Norton.
- Did Graham Norton break your heart, sir?
- Lauren, I'm actually married with two children.
- Are you in the closet, sir?
For goodness sake…
- Come out of the closet, sir.
- Lauren…
- You should come out of the closet, though.
- Lauren, please.
It's only fair on your wife.
- I'm warning you.
- Is your wife a lesbian, sir?
- Right, I'm getting angry now.
- Are you a militant gay, sir?
- What?
- Do you go on marches?
Lauren, for goodness sake,
how many times… I'm not gay.
Are you homophobic, sir?
- You don't even know what homophobic means.
- I don't need to, I ain't gay.
All right, that's enough.
You two should be
ashamed of yourselves.
This sort of behaviour is
totally unacceptable, and you,
you, young lady, you are
skating on very thin ice,
and believe you me, you are this
far away from being expelled.
Am I bothered?
- Lauren…
- Am I bothered, though?
- Lauren, please.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- For goodness sake…
- Is my face bothered?
- Lauren…
- Is my face bothered?
- Listen to me.
- Look at my face.
- Lauren.
- Look at my face.
- Lauren…
- Are you looking at my face?
- Yes.
- Is any part of it bothered?
- You sound ridiculous.
- You sound gay.
What do you think your
friends really think of you?
- I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- For goodness sake.
- Face. Look. Face. Bothered.
- Lauren… Please…
- Face. Not bothered. Look. Face.
- Don't… Will you just…
- Bothered. "Shut that door. Shut that door."
- You… Lauren!
- Not bothered. Face. Look. Bothered. Face.
- Look… Can you just… No, don't…
- "I'm free! I'm free!"
- What?
- "Shut that door. Ooh, Betty, Ooh, Betty!" Face.
- This is… Can you…
- Look. Bothered. Face. I ain't bothered!
- Lauren… Can you…
Lauren! I am so
disappointed in you.
God, when everyone else in this
school had given up hope on you,
I was the only one prepared
to give you another chance.
Unlike you, I am bothered.
I feel let down, and well, to be
honest, I'm a little bit hurt.
You are gay, sir.
You are not going to believe
what's happened to me today.
- What have you done?
- I'm not joking,
- you are going to die when you hear what I did.
- What's happened?
- I can't tell you.
- Why not?
'Cause you're gonna die.
Tell me what you've done.
This morning, right, I've gone down the
shop by the bus stop to get some milk,
you know like I do sometimes
when we run out of milk,
and the man behind the counter
says, "That's 3.25, please."
And I thought, "Hold on, 3.25 for two pints
of milk, that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
Then I've looked down, I'm only holding a Marie
Claire Hair & Beauty and a caramel Wispa.
What are you like?
- I know. But that ain't it.
- That ain't it?
So, I give him a fiver, he
looks at me and he says…
- What's he say?
- He says,
- "I can't take this, love."
- He can't take it?
- He says, "This ain't a fiver."
- It ain't a fiver?
- It weren't a fiver!
- It weren't a fiver?
It weren't a fiver. You know
what I've done, don't ya?
What you done?
I've opened me purse to give him
the money, I've pulled out a note,
I've give him the note, he's taken the
note, I'm standing, waiting for me change,
he's give me one look,
he's staring at the note,
he said, "I can't take this." I said,
"What do you mean, you can't take this?"
He said, "This ain't a
fiver, this is five euros."
- What, you've given him five euros?
- I've give him five euros.
Yeah, well, it's an
easy mistake to make.
I ain't told you what else
happened to me today.
- What happened?
- You are gonna wet yourself when I tell you this.
What did you do?
Lunchtime, right, I've gone
down Gino's with Shelley
and that new girl who sits by the
machine, don't really like her
but she brought in panettone cake on her
first day, and everyone deserves a chance.
So we get to the counter,
and Shelley says,
"I think I'm gonna have one of them
buffalo mozzarella sandwiches."
And I said, "I think I
will, too, as it goes."
The new girl couldn't make up her
mind, so we just left her there.
I mean, I'm not Nelson Mandela.
- I get back to me desk…
- Yeah?
- I sit down, I open me bag…
- Yeah?
- You'll never guess what's in my sandwich.
- What?
- Egg and cress!
- No!
My life, I've picked up an egg and
cress instead of buffalo mozzarella!
Yeah, well you picked up the
wrong one, it can happen.
'Ere, Sam.
- You've been having me on!
- I've been having you on!
You've been having me on since
I walked through that door!
Since you walked
through that door!
I thought you thought
it weren't funny!
Not funny? "I've only
given him five euros!"
I've given him five euros!
- You thought it was a fiver.
- I know!
- And then the sandwich shop…
- Don't!
Egg and cress. You thought you
was getting buffalo mozzarella!
I know!
What is buffalo mozzarella?
I dunno!
One word.
"Escargot."
This is in Paris.
The dirty bastards!
Oh, thank you. I
bought it last week.
- Ally!
- Hello, I heard you were here.
- Yeah, do you know David?
- No, hello, I'm Ally.
Film.
How many words?
- No…
- Oh. Book?
- No, no…
- Slow down! Do the whole thing.
Psycho.
He's deaf.
My Left Foot
No, he's deaf.
Hrnm?
Right. Yeah, right, God, no, yeah,
God, no, yeah, I didn't mean… Can…
Sorry, can you tell
him, I didn't mean…
- You can tell him yourself.
- Right.
So…
Hello.
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to offend you.
Hmm. Are you tired?
I'm, I'm tired.
I'm going to go to bed now.
Downstairs.
My boyfriend got a pay rise.
37,500 a year, plus perks,
plus a company car.
Yeah.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
- Is that you, sweetheart?
- Hello, Nan.
Here he is. You
come up and see me?
You know I have.
(CACKLING)
- Oh, you are a good boy.
- You all right?
Yeah, lovely. Did you
bring me up me bits?
- Madeira cake.
- Oh, that's it, lovely.
Oh, I just fancied a bit of Madeira cake.
You don't mind, do you, love?
Course not.
Oh, that's it, look at that,
I'll have a go at that later.
(CACKLING)
- What are you laughing for?
- Oh, God knows!
Have you been drinking?
I might have had a livener or three,
what's it got to do with you?
Do you want a nice
bacon sandwich, son?
- I'll make you a nice bacon sandwich if you like.
- I'm all right thanks, Nan.
I don't mind, throw a couple of rashers
in the pan, bit of fat, crisp it up.
Butter a few slices, you can have it
with that nice red sauce you like.
- Nan, I don't want anything.
- What do you want then, a bit of coleslaw?
Wouldn't mind a cup of tea.
I can't be messing about
with cups of tea, love.
It ain't an hotel.
Here, here, I'll tell you who I saw,
oh, I'll tell you who I saw today.
Coming out of the post office, bumped right
into him, I ain't seen him in years,
what a smashing fellow.
- Who's that?
- Who's what?
- In the post office?
- I was in there this morning.
Yeah, you said. Who
did you see in there?
Here, I'll tell you who I saw
in there, young Tommy Upson.
- Who's Tommy Upson?
- Who?
- Tommy Upson?
- I saw him in the post office this morning.
Yeah, used to live down Ormande
Yard when we were kids.
Oh, we have had a laugh.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Who's that?
I just told you who it
is, Tommy fucking Upson!
What's the matter with you? May
God forgive me for swearing,
you'll make my nerves
bad, you will.
- Aye aye.
- Here he is.
Is that better, sweetheart?
Oh, I'm about a stone lighter now.
Flushed itself.
Oh. Yes?
I'll tell you something, it's good to see
you've got plenty of loo rolls in there.
- 36 I counted.
- Yeah, well they don't eat nothing, do they?
I can't understand it, you go
to someone's house for a pony
and you've got to
ration your wipes.
You never have to hold back up here,
Tom, and I mean that sincerely.
- Here you are, go on, sweetheart, sit back down.
- That's it, that's it.
There's a drink there. Here you are, Tom.
This is my Diane's boy, Jamie.
- Hello, son.
- Nice to meet you.
He's home early,
ain't he got a job?
- No, we tried everything, he ain't interested.
- I'm at university.
Oh, that's right. Your Nan said
something about you being gay.
I'm not gay, I've
got a girlfriend.
Very plain girl she is, but
then again, he is short.
- My brother, he had a gay dog.
- Who, your Billy?
- That's right. Cost him a fortune in vet's bills.
- A gay dog?
No, not gay, um, diabetic.
Some kind of disability.
Being gay isn't a disability.
Well, it ain't exactly helped
you in getting a job, has it?
You want to get out
and push, son.
When I was your age, I was up
to my eyeballs in the shit.
Three kids to feed and a
Welsh dresser to pay for.
I had no time for reading.
My wife, Lily…
- She was a grafter.
- Very hard-working woman she was.
Oh. I was blessed every
day that I was with her.
She used to model
herself on Coco Chanel.
She always wore a matching
hat, shoes, gloves, handbag.
Not a lot of people can pull off a look
like that in a motorised wheelchair.
- She had a lot of style, I'll say that about her.
- I can't believe she's gone.
She's with you, darling, she's
always there, in your heart.
- Oh, I know. I know she is.
- Yeah.
Now, don't get upset, sweetheart,
'cause you'll start me off.
♪ When you're weary, feeling small
Go on, love.
♪ When tears are in your eyes
♪ I will dry them all
That's it, sweetheart.
♪ I'm on your side
♪ Oh, when times get rough
Go on, love.
♪ And friends just can't be found
♪ Like a bridge over…
Help me! Help me!
♪ …troubled water
I will lay me down
♪ Like a bridge over troubled water
♪ I will lay me down ♪
Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset, darling.
She's looking down on you.
I know.
- She's looking down on you, don't you worry.
- I know she is.
She wouldn't want to see
you like this, would she?
No, she wouldn't want to
see me upset, though.
- That's it.
- I'm gonna go.
There's a feature-length Tagger!
on tonight.
(FARTS)
- Well, you know where I am, sweetheart.
- I know where you are. Ta-Ra.
- Ta-Ra, darling.
- Take care.
Look after her, gay boy.
Ta-Ra!
Ta-Ra, Tommy, sweetheart,
mind how you go, love.
What a fucking liberty!
He's used all me fucking
lavatory paper!
What was he fucking doing in there?
Making fucking flags?
And as for his old woman, Coco Chanel?
More like Coco the fucking Clown!