The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
There you are, Mummy.
We were beginning to think
you didn't want your brioche.
Thomas, Chloe, Mummy has
something to tell you.
What is it, dear heart?
Tell all.
Alice can't come to work today,
so Mummy's had to arrange…
for an agency nanny
to come round.
Mummy, no!
We must all be very brave.
I don't feel very well.
Be strong, my darlings, because there's
something else you should know.
Something much worse.
This… person the
agency are sending us,
she's from the North.
Newcastle, I'm told, but could
be as far as Sunder-land.
I'm sorry.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(IN NORTHERN ACCENT)
Hiya, I'm Gina from the agency.
Are you Mrs Montgomery?
(SQUEAKS)
Hey, I tell you what, I thought I was going
to be late, the traffic was that bad.
Never mind, here I am, on
time, so no worries there.
You've got a lovely place, Mrs M. You
don't mind if I call you Mrs M, do you?
Only Mrs Montgomery's a
bit of a gobful. Hiya.
What do you call youse then?
I can see I'm gonna have me hand full
with you pair of tykes, aren't I?
Mummy, Mummy, what's she saying?
I don't know, Chloe, but she sounds awfully
angry, so don't provoke her in any way.
Avoid looking her in the eyes.
Is she going to kill us?
Shh, shh, Thomas, Mummy won't
let anything happen to you.
Right, I'll start with the breakfast things, but
first, why don't I make us all a nice milky brew?
And who fancies a couple
of bickies as well, eh?
Run for your lives children,
we're all going to die!
Is that air freshener
I can smell?
Yeah, it's supposed
to be vanilla.
It's very overpowering.
I can put it in the glove
compartment if it's bothering you.
Would you mind?
(SLOW POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
Sorry, do you mind if we
don't have the radio on?
Sure, no problem.
I've just got a bit
of a headache.
Look at that. Do you mind
winding up your window?
Yeah, sure.
Disgusting!
(FARTING)
It's very cold in here. Could
you put your heating on?
- I got a new top for tonight.
- Is it?
- I got a well good price for it.
- Did ya?
- It was £15.99, right?
- Yeah?
- But I didn't pay that.
- Did you haggle, though?
You should have seen me, though. This
is me, right. "How much is that top?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"So what we really saying?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"I don't think so."
And this is her, right. "What d'you mean?" And
this is me, right. "It's got a button missing."
- What did you pay for it, mate?
- £15.
- That is well good.
- Innit, though?
- I'm gonna wear it for the gig tonight.
- What gig, mate?
- Me and Ryan are going to a gig tonight.
- Is it?
I'm gonna look well hip-hop.
Awright.
BOTH: Awright.
- I'm well worked out.
- Did you win?
I smashed him in the
second with my dambuster.
Is it? Do you want some
of my Snickers Bar?
This gig's gonna be well all right.
I can't wait to see Naughty.
- Who, mate?
- Naughty Rascal.
- "Naughty Rascal"?
- He's a well big shout-out.
It's Dizzee Rascal.
- What?
- It's Dizzee Rascal, mate!
Naughty Rascal!
That is well bad.
Am I bothered?
- Can you believe that?
- Am I bothered, though?
- Take the shame.
- No, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Take the shame, though.
- I ain't even bothered, though.
- You've well embarrassed yourself.
- Do I look bothered?
- You're an embarrassment, though.
- Do I look bothered, though?
- You're well shameful.
- I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You brought shame on your family.
- I don't care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But you've shamed them, though.
- I don't even care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But they're your parents, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Yes, they are, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Well why do you live with them then?
- Are you disrespecting my family?
- Are you disrespecting my family, though?
- No, I ain't, though.
- You're disrespecting my family.
- I'm just saying.
- Are you calling my mum a prostitute?
- No, I'm just…
Are you calling my dad an alcoholic?
- But you said Naughty Rascal, mate.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- But it's Dizzee, though.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- Yeah, but…
- Do I look bothered?
- Yeah, but…
- Is my face bothered? Is my face bothered?
- Well…
- But is it bothered, though? Do I look bothered?
You think I'm bothered? Ask me if I'm
bothered. Ask me if I'm bothered.
- Ask me if I'm bothered!
- Are you bothered?
- No, I ain't even bothered.
- But you said…
Face. Look. Face. Bothered. Look. Face.
Bothered. Look. Face. Bothered.
- Look. Face. Bothered.
- Yes, but why…
Naughty. Face. Bastard. What? Face.
Bothered. I ain't bothered!
- Have you got your autograph book?
- Why?
Naughty Rascal's right
behind you, mate.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Moo Shepherd is 35 and
lives in Studey just outside Birmingham.
She's been a professional dog
trainer for more than 70 years.
Last year, after winning the Midlands
Six-Part Obedience Championship,
known locally as the Birmingham Six, her
dog and lifelong companion, Mr Tibbs,
died peacefully in his sleep.
Now Moo has only eight
weeks to train her new dog
and retain her title of Dog Obedience
Champion for the seventh year running.
So it's just a gentle
trot and stay close.
- Stay close.
- ALL: Stay close. Stay close.
Come on, I can't hear you.
- ALL: Stay close. Stay close.
- What about the praise?
Don't forget the praise, you'll
get nowhere without the praise.
- ALL: Good boy. Good boy.
- Okay, everyone, that's our 90 minutes.
And as Will Young said in 2003,
"I think I'd better leave right now."
A lot of you have done really well
today, and if we keep up this standard,
in a few weeks I can see meself
letting some of you bring your dogs.
INTERVIEWER: It's been said your teaching
methods are somewhat unorthodox.
I've been called a maverick,
and I'll be honest with you,
it's not a title
I shy away from.
Legend has it during an obedience class in
2001 you made a woman eat a tin of dog food
for arriving 10 minutes late.
(CHUCKLING) Is that
what people are saying?
Is it true?
Yes. You can't train the dog unless
you've trained the owner. Fact.
Is it also true she tried to sue
you for actual bodily harm?
Yes, she did try to sue.
Unsuccessfully, I might add.
But that rather unfortunate
episode is behind me now.
In the words of the king of pop Michael
Jackson, "She's out of my life."
And how about your new dog,
Moo, how's he coming along?
She, it's a girl actually. Bit
of a break from tradition, yeah.
After 10 years of competing with
Mr Tibbs, I suddenly thought,
"Come on, Moo, you can't knock
what you've never tried,"
and next thing I know
I've entered a bitch.
Actually, could you cut
that last bit out?
Oh, I don't believe it!
I think me keys have dropped out of me
pocket again. I'm going to have to go back.
Will she be okay? It looks
quite stuffy in there.
No, no, she'll be fine.
The trick is to keep the window open about
half an inch, that's all they need. Yeah.
She must have closed it.
Won't be two ticks.
(WHIMPERS)
(THUDS)
Sorry I'm late, Mr Hicks,
but I've got a bit of a personal problem for
which I was told to apply live yoghurt.
Well, I could only find
a Muller Crunch Corner,
so you can imagine the chafing
I've had all morning.
So, Mr Hicks, I'll
just… Mr Hicks?
Mr Hicks? Not here.
Oh, my God, truffles!
Oh, my God, that's
better than sex.
Well, almost. Oh, God alive.
MAN ON TV: So basically, ask
yourself three questions:
Are you stressed out at work?
Do you feel undervalued?
Do you want to change the
pattern of failure in your life
and enjoy the sweet
smell of success?
Okay, don't think about
this, just do it.
Sit down and make yourself comfortable,
or even better, lie down if you can.
Okay Are you feeling comfortable?
Hang on.
First of all, I need you to close
your eyes and take a deep breath.
In and out. In and out
You're feeling
sleepy, very sleepy
Now repeat after me. My
name is… And say your name.
My name is and say your name.
I'm a strong, independent woman
and I will soon be smelling
the sweet scent of success.
I'm a strong, independent woman
and I will soon be smelling
the sweet scent of success.
My days of feeling
undervalued are over.
My days of feeling
undervalued are over.
From now on, I'm going to fulfil my potential
and walk the walk and talk the talk.
Here we are, Mr Hicks. Bernie!
Bernie, wake up!
- Oh, my God.
- What on earth is going on?
You're feeling
sleepy, very sleepy
What are you doing in a patient's bed?
Come on, explain yourself.
I'm a strong-smelling woman and I will
soon be sucking independent sweets.
I beg your pardon?
My days of feeling
overvalued are under.
Bernie, either you start
making sense immediately
or you will be out of this hospital so
fast your feet won't touch the ground.
From now on I'm going to feel potentially full
with a talkie-walkie and a walkie-talkie.
Right, that's it!
My office, now.
I'm sorry, Sister, I don't
know what came over me.
I've heard enough, just move yourself! I'm
sorry, Mr Hicks, we'll soon get you settled.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me, that's not a live yoghurt, is it?
Get out!
I'm sorry, I could have sworn
I booked it last week.
It's not a problem, this will be fine.
What is it? Burgers?
- Hi, guys!
- Oh, hello. Can we…
Welcome to BBJ's. I'm
your waitress for today.
My name's Amanda, but my
friends call me Zebedee.
I'm a fiery Taurean with my moon in Uranus.
Careful! I'll do the jokes.
Any birthdays or anniversaries
today for yourselves?
Look, we'd just like to eat, thank you.
Do you know what you want?
All birthday cocktails are
half price until 7:00,
except A Poke In The Eye
and the Screaming Fadge,
which are three for
two until 6:30.
Thank you, but we just want
to eat something quick.
I've also been asked to point out to our
more generously proportioned customers
that when we say the Hawaiian
buffet is all you can eat,
that is in fact an
offer, not a challenge.
Can we just order, please?
Thank you, sir, there's no need
to take it out on your server.
Right. I'd like a Plain
Jane burger, please.
Any freaky fries with
that today for yourself?
It says it comes
with freaky fries.
Yes, I know, but
would you like them?
- Yes.
- Right, and I'd like a…
Table four getting
freaky with her fries!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
And I'll have the Oops
Upside Your Head burger…
(OOPS UPSIDE YOUR HEAD PLAYING)
♪ Oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
(SINGING LA BAMBA IN SPANISH)
Sorry, do you…
Do you mind…
Sorry, do you mind keeping
it down, 'cause I'm…
Sorry, was I doing
that out loud?
God.
I did my salsa class last night.
- I just can't get the music out of my head.
- Can you not?
- Never thought of myself as a dancer.
- Hmm.
But turns out I'm rather good.
Great.
Tonay says.
- Who?
- Tonay. My instructor.
Tony?
Yeah, but he's from Rio.
Oh, right.
- He's always praising me.
- Look, I've really got to get this finished.
Yeah. He said I moved
like a gazelle.
Did he?
He said I'm ready to do the
workshops in Barcelona.
He said I'm ready to do the
workshops in Barcelona.
Did he?
He's been really complimentary
about everything, actually.
Guess how old he thought I was?
How old did Tonay
think I looked?
Well, I really
wouldn't like to say.
Why not? Have a guess!
I have no idea.
Well, that's the point of guessing!
Come on!
- Please don't make me do this.
- It's just a bit of fun, have a guess!
- But I don't want to.
- It doesn't matter, just guess.
- Well…
- Come on. How old did he say I was?
- I can't think.
- Yes, you can, just guess!
16.
16? 16?
- 20.
- He's not blind!
- 25.
- Right, have you ever looked at me?
42.
What?
48?
48? Vanessa Feltz is 43!
- 37?
- Right, do you think I look 37?
- No.
- No, neither does Tonay.
- 28?
- Older than that.
- 35?
- Not that old.
- 33?
- I don't think so.
- 31?
- Right, forget it.
- 29?
- 30! He thought I looked 30.
Wow. That is flattering.
Yes, it is.
- I used to tap.
- Right, do you ever stop talking?
INTERVIEWER: Champion dog
trainer Moo Shepherd
has now been preparing her new protege
for seven weeks. It's not looking good.
So far Moo has only managed to stop
Lady Penelope urinating on her clothes.
Apart from this, despite being sure she
had a future champion on her hands,
they have achieved
absolutely nothing.
And with the Birmingham Obedience
Championships only one week away,
it looks like Moo's reputation of being
able to train any dog to do anything
is very much on the line.
(SCREAMS)
I don't understand it, we can't
even get past the basics.
I can honestly say I have
never known a dog like it.
Desperate situations call
for desperate measures.
Now, I've never been a big fan of these, but
at this stage we've got nothing to lose, so…
Lady Penelope is
wearing a collar that,
when I press this remote, gives
off a small electric charge.
Now, it's nothing to worry
about, it's completely harmless,
it's just guaranteed to give an unruly
canine a nudge in the right direction.
Now, watch this.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Now, with the gentle
electronic pulse.
Lady Penelope, sit.
(YELPS)
- Is she okay?
- Who?
Lady Penelope.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. No,
she's had a busy day.
She's just having a lie-down.
Actually, shall we… Shall we, um,
shall we turn that off now, shall we?
- Morning, Nev.
- Morning, Irene.
What did I say, Vern? As
soon as something happens,
you can guarantee 10 minutes later,
Neville arrives. Double cheese?
- Yes, please.
- Double cheese for Neville.
- So what happened then, Vern?
- Oh, it's been non-stop.
You'll never believe who was
here about an hour ago.
Go on.
Vernon, what's the name of that
man with the Calor Gas bottle?
Black fella, always on
the telly laughing.
- Always on the telly laughing? Um…
- Oh.
Desmond Tutu!
What, the bishop?
Yeah. Calor Gas bottle
had gone in his caravan
and he was trying
to find a Halfords.
Well, he's not going to change a
Calor Gas bottle at Halfords,
he wants a Homebase.
Well, that's what Vern said.
So where's he got a caravan?
Well, that's it, he hasn't.
He's done one of these holiday swaps
with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
- Has he?
- Well, he's absolutely livid.
Archbishop of Canterbury is sunning himself
on a 50-acre South African farmhouse
while Des arrives to find he's
swapped for a two-berth caravan
on Canvey Island
with no heating.
Did he not think to ask
what he was swapping for?
Well, obviously not,
judging by his language.
I said to Vern, they'll be taking
that Nobel Peace Prize off him
when they hear where he's going to stick
that Calor Gas bottle. Any sauce?
No, this is smashing.
Right, see you tomorrow.
All right, Neville, take care.
Kate Moorcroft?
Come through.
Here we are. Oh, here we go.
Oh, have a look who it is!
Hello, sweetheart. You're Lesley Jackson's
granddaughter, ain't you, yeah?
I used to go to school
with your grandmother.
Oh, isn't it lovely to see you? I haven't
seen you since you were that big.
Oh, I've heard your grandmother ain't too well.
She's had her hip done again, ain't she?
Will you give her my regards?
Tell her I've missed seeing her about.
It's beautiful to see you, sweetheart.
Give me regards to your grandmother.
Oh, be lucky, darling.
- Who's that?
- God knows.
There you are, look, what did I tell you?
It's packed out.
It's not that bad.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with
half these people, have a look.
Come on, Nan.
And look at this one
in a running suit!
Years ago you had to be spewing
up your guts to see a doctor,
and now they turn up
in running suits.
- Oh, they've got a cheek.
- Nan, come on.
- Have you got an appointment?
- Eh?
- Do you have an appointment?
- No, dear, I'm here to see Dr Bailey.
Is it an emergency?
- Who is it?
- Is it an emergency?
What's she talking about?
- What is it that's wrong with you?
- What's it got to do with you?
What is it that's
wrong with her?
Oi, oi, oi, I'll thank you to talk to
the organ grinder, not the monkey.
If it's not an emergency, you
won't see a doctor today.
The next appointment
is Thursday at 10:00.
We rang this morning and
the lady we spoke to said…
Excuse me, I'm talking.
Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is what?
- Yes, it is an emergency.
- What is it that's wrong with you?
- Me head's hanging off!
We rang this morning and
the lady we spoke to
said we could see a doctor
if we came in before 11.
"Is it an emergency?" she says.
I ain't never seen a room full
of such healthy-looking people.
- What name is it?
- Mrs Taylor.
- If you'd like to take a seat.
- Oh, well, only if you're sure.
I mean, I don't want to be pushing
in front of Daley Thompson here.
Come on, sit down, I'll
get you a magazine.
(SOFTLY) Keith Merryweather?
Keith Merryweather?
Keith Merryweather? Keith…
Keith Merryweather!
Come on, let's be having
you, next cab off the rank!
We're not all here
for a free day out.
I'm really sorry, but would you mind keeping
the noise down? I suffer from migraines.
You do what, darling?
I'm really sorry, but I
have terrible migraines.
Oh, I am sorry, sweetheart. I feel
terrible for you, truly I do.
I've had them for years, but
they've just really started…
No, no, my darling, don't feel you've
got to explain anything to me.
I feel dreadful, really I do. I wish there
was something I could do to help you.
Would you like a mint?
No, honestly, I'll be fine, thanks.
I just need to see the doctor.
- Julie Hedges?
- Oh, that's me.
Is that you, darling? Go on then,
go and see the doctor, sweetheart,
he'll sort you out. Oh. Oh.
What a fucking liberty!
She's got headache!
The woman's sat in a doctor's
surgery 'cause she's got headache!
- Oh, they want shooting, they really do.
- Nan.
Excuse me, would you mind being quiet?
You're upsetting the other patients.
Oh, take a fucking
chill pill, you!
Come on, you, I've had
enough of all this.
Mrs Taylor?
Oh, have you found a window in your diary?
Well, it's too late now, love.
(CACKLING)
Emergencies only? What
a load of old shit!
I went to Pizza
Express for lunch.
Four Seasons. No onions, no anchovies,
mixed salad and a Diet Coke.
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER: It's the day of the Birmingham
Six-Part Dog Obedience Championships
and Moo Shepherd is
with Lady Penelope.
No progress has been made,
and against all the advice of friends and family,
Moo, as one of Birmingham's leading dog trainers,
is risking professional suicide.
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome into the
arena our penultimate finalist,
Robert Freeman and Sinatra.
So, despite no improvement in Lady
Penelope's abilities, you're going ahead?
Yes. As last year's winner I get
an automatic place in the final,
so I'd be a fool to waste it.
Of course, last year you had Mr Tibbs.
Tell us about him.
MOO: Mr Tibbs, he was a one-off
He was to training and obedience
what Patrick Swayze was to
the power ballad, sublime.
There were times when I wondered if I'd
known Mr Tibbs in a previous life.
I'm a strong believer in reincarnation
and there were some uncanny similarities
between him and my late father.
The smell, mainly, but
also an uncanny ability
to carry an egg between his
teeth without breaking it
But more than that, it was a look
in his eyes, a look that said,
"Don't worry kid, I'll
always be here for you."
But now, with Lady Penelope,
aren't you worried that you're
going to lose your crown?
Moo Shepherd does not understand
the concept of losing.
Whatever you might think, this dog is
a champion and I'm about to prove it.
ANNOUNCER: Please
welcome into the arena
our last competitor, Moo
Shepherd with Lady Penelope.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Right, here we go.
Well, we came to do our best,
and that's exactly what we did.
How did she do?
She was rubbish,
absolutely shocking.
Basically ignored me all the way
through the six categories.
You don't seem very
bothered by that, Moo.
No, and I'm not. And
I'll tell you for why.
This dog has taught me the greatest
lesson I'm ever likely to learn.
Enjoy life! I told her
to sit, she ran around.
I asked her to fetch,
she peed on a judge.
This dog has the personality
to do the one thing Wham!,
the greatest pop duo of all time,
told us to do way back in 1984,
choose life!
(WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU
GO-GO BY WHAM! PLAYING)
We were beginning to think
you didn't want your brioche.
Thomas, Chloe, Mummy has
something to tell you.
What is it, dear heart?
Tell all.
Alice can't come to work today,
so Mummy's had to arrange…
for an agency nanny
to come round.
Mummy, no!
We must all be very brave.
I don't feel very well.
Be strong, my darlings, because there's
something else you should know.
Something much worse.
This… person the
agency are sending us,
she's from the North.
Newcastle, I'm told, but could
be as far as Sunder-land.
I'm sorry.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(IN NORTHERN ACCENT)
Hiya, I'm Gina from the agency.
Are you Mrs Montgomery?
(SQUEAKS)
Hey, I tell you what, I thought I was going
to be late, the traffic was that bad.
Never mind, here I am, on
time, so no worries there.
You've got a lovely place, Mrs M. You
don't mind if I call you Mrs M, do you?
Only Mrs Montgomery's a
bit of a gobful. Hiya.
What do you call youse then?
I can see I'm gonna have me hand full
with you pair of tykes, aren't I?
Mummy, Mummy, what's she saying?
I don't know, Chloe, but she sounds awfully
angry, so don't provoke her in any way.
Avoid looking her in the eyes.
Is she going to kill us?
Shh, shh, Thomas, Mummy won't
let anything happen to you.
Right, I'll start with the breakfast things, but
first, why don't I make us all a nice milky brew?
And who fancies a couple
of bickies as well, eh?
Run for your lives children,
we're all going to die!
Is that air freshener
I can smell?
Yeah, it's supposed
to be vanilla.
It's very overpowering.
I can put it in the glove
compartment if it's bothering you.
Would you mind?
(SLOW POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
Sorry, do you mind if we
don't have the radio on?
Sure, no problem.
I've just got a bit
of a headache.
Look at that. Do you mind
winding up your window?
Yeah, sure.
Disgusting!
(FARTING)
It's very cold in here. Could
you put your heating on?
- I got a new top for tonight.
- Is it?
- I got a well good price for it.
- Did ya?
- It was £15.99, right?
- Yeah?
- But I didn't pay that.
- Did you haggle, though?
You should have seen me, though. This
is me, right. "How much is that top?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"So what we really saying?"
And this is her, right. "£15.99."
And this is me, right.
"I don't think so."
And this is her, right. "What d'you mean?" And
this is me, right. "It's got a button missing."
- What did you pay for it, mate?
- £15.
- That is well good.
- Innit, though?
- I'm gonna wear it for the gig tonight.
- What gig, mate?
- Me and Ryan are going to a gig tonight.
- Is it?
I'm gonna look well hip-hop.
Awright.
BOTH: Awright.
- I'm well worked out.
- Did you win?
I smashed him in the
second with my dambuster.
Is it? Do you want some
of my Snickers Bar?
This gig's gonna be well all right.
I can't wait to see Naughty.
- Who, mate?
- Naughty Rascal.
- "Naughty Rascal"?
- He's a well big shout-out.
It's Dizzee Rascal.
- What?
- It's Dizzee Rascal, mate!
Naughty Rascal!
That is well bad.
Am I bothered?
- Can you believe that?
- Am I bothered, though?
- Take the shame.
- No, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Take the shame, though.
- I ain't even bothered, though.
- You've well embarrassed yourself.
- Do I look bothered?
- You're an embarrassment, though.
- Do I look bothered, though?
- You're well shameful.
- I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You brought shame on your family.
- I don't care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But you've shamed them, though.
- I don't even care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But they're your parents, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Yes, they are, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Well why do you live with them then?
- Are you disrespecting my family?
- Are you disrespecting my family, though?
- No, I ain't, though.
- You're disrespecting my family.
- I'm just saying.
- Are you calling my mum a prostitute?
- No, I'm just…
Are you calling my dad an alcoholic?
- But you said Naughty Rascal, mate.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- But it's Dizzee, though.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- Yeah, but…
- Do I look bothered?
- Yeah, but…
- Is my face bothered? Is my face bothered?
- Well…
- But is it bothered, though? Do I look bothered?
You think I'm bothered? Ask me if I'm
bothered. Ask me if I'm bothered.
- Ask me if I'm bothered!
- Are you bothered?
- No, I ain't even bothered.
- But you said…
Face. Look. Face. Bothered. Look. Face.
Bothered. Look. Face. Bothered.
- Look. Face. Bothered.
- Yes, but why…
Naughty. Face. Bastard. What? Face.
Bothered. I ain't bothered!
- Have you got your autograph book?
- Why?
Naughty Rascal's right
behind you, mate.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Moo Shepherd is 35 and
lives in Studey just outside Birmingham.
She's been a professional dog
trainer for more than 70 years.
Last year, after winning the Midlands
Six-Part Obedience Championship,
known locally as the Birmingham Six, her
dog and lifelong companion, Mr Tibbs,
died peacefully in his sleep.
Now Moo has only eight
weeks to train her new dog
and retain her title of Dog Obedience
Champion for the seventh year running.
So it's just a gentle
trot and stay close.
- Stay close.
- ALL: Stay close. Stay close.
Come on, I can't hear you.
- ALL: Stay close. Stay close.
- What about the praise?
Don't forget the praise, you'll
get nowhere without the praise.
- ALL: Good boy. Good boy.
- Okay, everyone, that's our 90 minutes.
And as Will Young said in 2003,
"I think I'd better leave right now."
A lot of you have done really well
today, and if we keep up this standard,
in a few weeks I can see meself
letting some of you bring your dogs.
INTERVIEWER: It's been said your teaching
methods are somewhat unorthodox.
I've been called a maverick,
and I'll be honest with you,
it's not a title
I shy away from.
Legend has it during an obedience class in
2001 you made a woman eat a tin of dog food
for arriving 10 minutes late.
(CHUCKLING) Is that
what people are saying?
Is it true?
Yes. You can't train the dog unless
you've trained the owner. Fact.
Is it also true she tried to sue
you for actual bodily harm?
Yes, she did try to sue.
Unsuccessfully, I might add.
But that rather unfortunate
episode is behind me now.
In the words of the king of pop Michael
Jackson, "She's out of my life."
And how about your new dog,
Moo, how's he coming along?
She, it's a girl actually. Bit
of a break from tradition, yeah.
After 10 years of competing with
Mr Tibbs, I suddenly thought,
"Come on, Moo, you can't knock
what you've never tried,"
and next thing I know
I've entered a bitch.
Actually, could you cut
that last bit out?
Oh, I don't believe it!
I think me keys have dropped out of me
pocket again. I'm going to have to go back.
Will she be okay? It looks
quite stuffy in there.
No, no, she'll be fine.
The trick is to keep the window open about
half an inch, that's all they need. Yeah.
She must have closed it.
Won't be two ticks.
(WHIMPERS)
(THUDS)
Sorry I'm late, Mr Hicks,
but I've got a bit of a personal problem for
which I was told to apply live yoghurt.
Well, I could only find
a Muller Crunch Corner,
so you can imagine the chafing
I've had all morning.
So, Mr Hicks, I'll
just… Mr Hicks?
Mr Hicks? Not here.
Oh, my God, truffles!
Oh, my God, that's
better than sex.
Well, almost. Oh, God alive.
MAN ON TV: So basically, ask
yourself three questions:
Are you stressed out at work?
Do you feel undervalued?
Do you want to change the
pattern of failure in your life
and enjoy the sweet
smell of success?
Okay, don't think about
this, just do it.
Sit down and make yourself comfortable,
or even better, lie down if you can.
Okay Are you feeling comfortable?
Hang on.
First of all, I need you to close
your eyes and take a deep breath.
In and out. In and out
You're feeling
sleepy, very sleepy
Now repeat after me. My
name is… And say your name.
My name is and say your name.
I'm a strong, independent woman
and I will soon be smelling
the sweet scent of success.
I'm a strong, independent woman
and I will soon be smelling
the sweet scent of success.
My days of feeling
undervalued are over.
My days of feeling
undervalued are over.
From now on, I'm going to fulfil my potential
and walk the walk and talk the talk.
Here we are, Mr Hicks. Bernie!
Bernie, wake up!
- Oh, my God.
- What on earth is going on?
You're feeling
sleepy, very sleepy
What are you doing in a patient's bed?
Come on, explain yourself.
I'm a strong-smelling woman and I will
soon be sucking independent sweets.
I beg your pardon?
My days of feeling
overvalued are under.
Bernie, either you start
making sense immediately
or you will be out of this hospital so
fast your feet won't touch the ground.
From now on I'm going to feel potentially full
with a talkie-walkie and a walkie-talkie.
Right, that's it!
My office, now.
I'm sorry, Sister, I don't
know what came over me.
I've heard enough, just move yourself! I'm
sorry, Mr Hicks, we'll soon get you settled.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me, that's not a live yoghurt, is it?
Get out!
I'm sorry, I could have sworn
I booked it last week.
It's not a problem, this will be fine.
What is it? Burgers?
- Hi, guys!
- Oh, hello. Can we…
Welcome to BBJ's. I'm
your waitress for today.
My name's Amanda, but my
friends call me Zebedee.
I'm a fiery Taurean with my moon in Uranus.
Careful! I'll do the jokes.
Any birthdays or anniversaries
today for yourselves?
Look, we'd just like to eat, thank you.
Do you know what you want?
All birthday cocktails are
half price until 7:00,
except A Poke In The Eye
and the Screaming Fadge,
which are three for
two until 6:30.
Thank you, but we just want
to eat something quick.
I've also been asked to point out to our
more generously proportioned customers
that when we say the Hawaiian
buffet is all you can eat,
that is in fact an
offer, not a challenge.
Can we just order, please?
Thank you, sir, there's no need
to take it out on your server.
Right. I'd like a Plain
Jane burger, please.
Any freaky fries with
that today for yourself?
It says it comes
with freaky fries.
Yes, I know, but
would you like them?
- Yes.
- Right, and I'd like a…
Table four getting
freaky with her fries!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
And I'll have the Oops
Upside Your Head burger…
(OOPS UPSIDE YOUR HEAD PLAYING)
♪ Oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
♪ I said oops upside your head ♪
(SINGING LA BAMBA IN SPANISH)
Sorry, do you…
Do you mind…
Sorry, do you mind keeping
it down, 'cause I'm…
Sorry, was I doing
that out loud?
God.
I did my salsa class last night.
- I just can't get the music out of my head.
- Can you not?
- Never thought of myself as a dancer.
- Hmm.
But turns out I'm rather good.
Great.
Tonay says.
- Who?
- Tonay. My instructor.
Tony?
Yeah, but he's from Rio.
Oh, right.
- He's always praising me.
- Look, I've really got to get this finished.
Yeah. He said I moved
like a gazelle.
Did he?
He said I'm ready to do the
workshops in Barcelona.
He said I'm ready to do the
workshops in Barcelona.
Did he?
He's been really complimentary
about everything, actually.
Guess how old he thought I was?
How old did Tonay
think I looked?
Well, I really
wouldn't like to say.
Why not? Have a guess!
I have no idea.
Well, that's the point of guessing!
Come on!
- Please don't make me do this.
- It's just a bit of fun, have a guess!
- But I don't want to.
- It doesn't matter, just guess.
- Well…
- Come on. How old did he say I was?
- I can't think.
- Yes, you can, just guess!
16.
16? 16?
- 20.
- He's not blind!
- 25.
- Right, have you ever looked at me?
42.
What?
48?
48? Vanessa Feltz is 43!
- 37?
- Right, do you think I look 37?
- No.
- No, neither does Tonay.
- 28?
- Older than that.
- 35?
- Not that old.
- 33?
- I don't think so.
- 31?
- Right, forget it.
- 29?
- 30! He thought I looked 30.
Wow. That is flattering.
Yes, it is.
- I used to tap.
- Right, do you ever stop talking?
INTERVIEWER: Champion dog
trainer Moo Shepherd
has now been preparing her new protege
for seven weeks. It's not looking good.
So far Moo has only managed to stop
Lady Penelope urinating on her clothes.
Apart from this, despite being sure she
had a future champion on her hands,
they have achieved
absolutely nothing.
And with the Birmingham Obedience
Championships only one week away,
it looks like Moo's reputation of being
able to train any dog to do anything
is very much on the line.
(SCREAMS)
I don't understand it, we can't
even get past the basics.
I can honestly say I have
never known a dog like it.
Desperate situations call
for desperate measures.
Now, I've never been a big fan of these, but
at this stage we've got nothing to lose, so…
Lady Penelope is
wearing a collar that,
when I press this remote, gives
off a small electric charge.
Now, it's nothing to worry
about, it's completely harmless,
it's just guaranteed to give an unruly
canine a nudge in the right direction.
Now, watch this.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Now, with the gentle
electronic pulse.
Lady Penelope, sit.
(YELPS)
- Is she okay?
- Who?
Lady Penelope.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. No,
she's had a busy day.
She's just having a lie-down.
Actually, shall we… Shall we, um,
shall we turn that off now, shall we?
- Morning, Nev.
- Morning, Irene.
What did I say, Vern? As
soon as something happens,
you can guarantee 10 minutes later,
Neville arrives. Double cheese?
- Yes, please.
- Double cheese for Neville.
- So what happened then, Vern?
- Oh, it's been non-stop.
You'll never believe who was
here about an hour ago.
Go on.
Vernon, what's the name of that
man with the Calor Gas bottle?
Black fella, always on
the telly laughing.
- Always on the telly laughing? Um…
- Oh.
Desmond Tutu!
What, the bishop?
Yeah. Calor Gas bottle
had gone in his caravan
and he was trying
to find a Halfords.
Well, he's not going to change a
Calor Gas bottle at Halfords,
he wants a Homebase.
Well, that's what Vern said.
So where's he got a caravan?
Well, that's it, he hasn't.
He's done one of these holiday swaps
with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
- Has he?
- Well, he's absolutely livid.
Archbishop of Canterbury is sunning himself
on a 50-acre South African farmhouse
while Des arrives to find he's
swapped for a two-berth caravan
on Canvey Island
with no heating.
Did he not think to ask
what he was swapping for?
Well, obviously not,
judging by his language.
I said to Vern, they'll be taking
that Nobel Peace Prize off him
when they hear where he's going to stick
that Calor Gas bottle. Any sauce?
No, this is smashing.
Right, see you tomorrow.
All right, Neville, take care.
Kate Moorcroft?
Come through.
Here we are. Oh, here we go.
Oh, have a look who it is!
Hello, sweetheart. You're Lesley Jackson's
granddaughter, ain't you, yeah?
I used to go to school
with your grandmother.
Oh, isn't it lovely to see you? I haven't
seen you since you were that big.
Oh, I've heard your grandmother ain't too well.
She's had her hip done again, ain't she?
Will you give her my regards?
Tell her I've missed seeing her about.
It's beautiful to see you, sweetheart.
Give me regards to your grandmother.
Oh, be lucky, darling.
- Who's that?
- God knows.
There you are, look, what did I tell you?
It's packed out.
It's not that bad.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with
half these people, have a look.
Come on, Nan.
And look at this one
in a running suit!
Years ago you had to be spewing
up your guts to see a doctor,
and now they turn up
in running suits.
- Oh, they've got a cheek.
- Nan, come on.
- Have you got an appointment?
- Eh?
- Do you have an appointment?
- No, dear, I'm here to see Dr Bailey.
Is it an emergency?
- Who is it?
- Is it an emergency?
What's she talking about?
- What is it that's wrong with you?
- What's it got to do with you?
What is it that's
wrong with her?
Oi, oi, oi, I'll thank you to talk to
the organ grinder, not the monkey.
If it's not an emergency, you
won't see a doctor today.
The next appointment
is Thursday at 10:00.
We rang this morning and
the lady we spoke to said…
Excuse me, I'm talking.
Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is what?
- Yes, it is an emergency.
- What is it that's wrong with you?
- Me head's hanging off!
We rang this morning and
the lady we spoke to
said we could see a doctor
if we came in before 11.
"Is it an emergency?" she says.
I ain't never seen a room full
of such healthy-looking people.
- What name is it?
- Mrs Taylor.
- If you'd like to take a seat.
- Oh, well, only if you're sure.
I mean, I don't want to be pushing
in front of Daley Thompson here.
Come on, sit down, I'll
get you a magazine.
(SOFTLY) Keith Merryweather?
Keith Merryweather?
Keith Merryweather? Keith…
Keith Merryweather!
Come on, let's be having
you, next cab off the rank!
We're not all here
for a free day out.
I'm really sorry, but would you mind keeping
the noise down? I suffer from migraines.
You do what, darling?
I'm really sorry, but I
have terrible migraines.
Oh, I am sorry, sweetheart. I feel
terrible for you, truly I do.
I've had them for years, but
they've just really started…
No, no, my darling, don't feel you've
got to explain anything to me.
I feel dreadful, really I do. I wish there
was something I could do to help you.
Would you like a mint?
No, honestly, I'll be fine, thanks.
I just need to see the doctor.
- Julie Hedges?
- Oh, that's me.
Is that you, darling? Go on then,
go and see the doctor, sweetheart,
he'll sort you out. Oh. Oh.
What a fucking liberty!
She's got headache!
The woman's sat in a doctor's
surgery 'cause she's got headache!
- Oh, they want shooting, they really do.
- Nan.
Excuse me, would you mind being quiet?
You're upsetting the other patients.
Oh, take a fucking
chill pill, you!
Come on, you, I've had
enough of all this.
Mrs Taylor?
Oh, have you found a window in your diary?
Well, it's too late now, love.
(CACKLING)
Emergencies only? What
a load of old shit!
I went to Pizza
Express for lunch.
Four Seasons. No onions, no anchovies,
mixed salad and a Diet Coke.
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER: It's the day of the Birmingham
Six-Part Dog Obedience Championships
and Moo Shepherd is
with Lady Penelope.
No progress has been made,
and against all the advice of friends and family,
Moo, as one of Birmingham's leading dog trainers,
is risking professional suicide.
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome into the
arena our penultimate finalist,
Robert Freeman and Sinatra.
So, despite no improvement in Lady
Penelope's abilities, you're going ahead?
Yes. As last year's winner I get
an automatic place in the final,
so I'd be a fool to waste it.
Of course, last year you had Mr Tibbs.
Tell us about him.
MOO: Mr Tibbs, he was a one-off
He was to training and obedience
what Patrick Swayze was to
the power ballad, sublime.
There were times when I wondered if I'd
known Mr Tibbs in a previous life.
I'm a strong believer in reincarnation
and there were some uncanny similarities
between him and my late father.
The smell, mainly, but
also an uncanny ability
to carry an egg between his
teeth without breaking it
But more than that, it was a look
in his eyes, a look that said,
"Don't worry kid, I'll
always be here for you."
But now, with Lady Penelope,
aren't you worried that you're
going to lose your crown?
Moo Shepherd does not understand
the concept of losing.
Whatever you might think, this dog is
a champion and I'm about to prove it.
ANNOUNCER: Please
welcome into the arena
our last competitor, Moo
Shepherd with Lady Penelope.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Right, here we go.
Well, we came to do our best,
and that's exactly what we did.
How did she do?
She was rubbish,
absolutely shocking.
Basically ignored me all the way
through the six categories.
You don't seem very
bothered by that, Moo.
No, and I'm not. And
I'll tell you for why.
This dog has taught me the greatest
lesson I'm ever likely to learn.
Enjoy life! I told her
to sit, she ran around.
I asked her to fetch,
she peed on a judge.
This dog has the personality
to do the one thing Wham!,
the greatest pop duo of all time,
told us to do way back in 1984,
choose life!
(WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU
GO-GO BY WHAM! PLAYING)