The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
(SIREN BLARING)
This must be her.
Afternoon. Angie Barker, the new DI.
This is DS Harris.
Ma'am, sir.
And these are?
Never seen a working mother before,
Constable? Right, what have we got?
Uh, body of a woman, late thirties, we
think she might be a local… prostitute.
Okay, let's take a look.
Come on.
Come on, let's see the dead lady with
Mummy. Right, do we know how she died?
Uh, several wounds to the
torso, looks like a knife.
Multiple entry wounds, looks
like quite a frenzied attack.
Jessica, no jumping on the body, please.
Any sign of a murder weapon?
- We've not found anything yet, ma'am.
- Do we know how long she's been dead?
Police surgeon reckons no
more than a couple of hours.
Give me that stick. So we
may have some witnesses?
A local lady says she might have seen
a white saloon car driving away at speed
sometime after midday.
Problem, Constable?
- Your little girl's hanging off my jacket, ma'am.
- Really.
You want to try taking an oral swab
from a 75-year-old rape victim
whilst changing a dirty nappy,
checking two sets of homework
and looking for Barbie's
cocktail handbag.
Now that's a tough shift.
Ma'am.
Right, Harris, I want a complete
house-to-house within a one-mile radius,
a cross-reference check on every convicted sex
attacker in this area in the last five years
and a flask of boiling water.
Ma'am?
Heat up the milk,
she's due a feed.
Unplait the victim's hair, would you?
Put it back the way it was.
And wipe off those
cat's whiskers.
- Congratulations on your new job.
- Oh, thanks. I know, I'm really excited.
- Well done.
- Ally!
- Hello. I've just heard about your good news.
- Yeah.
- It's Ally, isn't it?
- Yeah, hello.
- Steve, Carole's brother.
- Hello, how nice to meet you.
- At last.
- Oh, have you just got here?
Yeah, I had a nightmare
waiting for a taxi.
Ooh. Oh, that's left
a horrible mark.
Sorry?
Your hat, it's left a dreadful mark on your
head. Give it a rub, that looks dreadful.
It's a birthmark.
Hmm?
Right. Yeah, no, no, God, no, not that
long thing. That's not even long, is it?
It's just… No, I meant… No, I meant on this
side. Oh no, oh hold on a minute, it's gone.
There, no, it's gone. It
was just the light. Yeah.
It's just… Oh no, I'm sure it was a
shadow, just a shadow. Fucking shadows!
I hate shadows.
Hmm?
(EXHALING)
- So, do you know where the people are?
- There are some people in the other room.
I'll just go and… go
to see the people.
♪ I'm gonna see da people ♪
(EXCLAIMING)
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Married
couple Trudy and Ivan Dodd
work together in their highly
successful theatrical wig emporium
in the West End of London.
They have a hectic schedule, filling wigs
for film stars, television personalities
and personal clients.
It's hard work, but for the
Dodds, it's a labour of love.
I suppose to many people we have what
must seem a very glamorous life,
making wigs for international film
stars and television personalities,
but what you'll be seeing,
however glamorous it may appear,
is for my wife Trudy and I
just another working day.
Of course, our lives could
be very glamorous indeed.
Film premieres, showbiz parties,
but we're always so incredibly
busy here at Get Knotted,
it's often just not
possible to find the time.
Yesterday, for example, Ivan had
to personally hand-finish six wigs
for the new Harry
Potter in the morning,
and then he had Stephen
Gately in the afternoon.
And that was a quiet day.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to get
off here, my arse has gone to sleep.
- Morning, Carole-Anne.
- Morning, Trudy, morning, Ivan. What a day!
(GIGGLING)
This is Carole-Anne, she's
been with us since day one.
Obviously she's not
just a receptionist.
In this business you often have to
see everything and say nothing.
Luckily, discretion is
Carole-Anne's middle name.
Any messages, Carole-Anne?
Yes, Terry Wogan's people called.
He's having problems with his new…
Carole-Anne!
Apparently, it's…
(TUTTING)
No, no messages.
Carole-Anne, this afternoon
Trudy has a private client
and I'll be fitting Sir Michael West
for his new play at the National.
So neither of us are
to be disturbed, okay?
Understood, yes.
Is Bruno here yet?
Take a wild guess.
- Bruno is our assistant.
- Your assistant.
He's from Argentina. Not that much
experience, but very enthusiastic.
Not as enthusiastic as you.
Ah, morning, Bruno.
Very temperamental,
these Latin types.
- Terry Wogan…
- Oh, shut up!
Everything okay over there?
Are you talking to me?
- Just seeing if everything's all right.
- It's rubbish here.
You know, you might enjoy it a bit
more if you speed it up a bit.
- (SIGHING) Are you talking to me again?
- You're going at a snail's pace.
- What?
- I'm just saying, you're going at a snail's pace.
I ain't got a snail's face!
Why don't you just try running?
- Are you Kelly Holmes?
- What I mean is…
- But are you Kelly Holmes, though?
- Look, all I'm saying is…
- But is your name Kelly Holmes?
- Look…
- But is your name Kelly Holmes, though?
- If you just…
- On your passport, right?
- What?
- On the page marked "name" …
- Look…
Does it say Kelly Holmes? But is
your name Kelly Holmes, though?
No, my name is not Kelly Holmes.
Well, shut up, then.
Well, there you go,
that's a lot better.
Now, why don't you try and maintain
that speed for about 10 minutes?
Don't tell me what to do.
I wouldn't go any quicker than
that, though, if I were you.
- You ain't me, though.
- No, no, seriously.
But you ain't me, though. Do
you think you're me, though?
- No, you're going too fast now.
- I ain't bothered.
- What?
- I ain't bothered, though.
- No, slow down.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Do I look bothered?
- I'm not joking.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- Please, stop.
- I ain't bothered.
- Please… No… You… No…
- Face! Look! Face! Bothered! Snail's! Face!
- You've got to… Look…
- Bothered. Kelly Holmes. Face.
I ain't bothered!
(THUDDING)
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
My laces came undone.
That's £20 exactly, please.
20 pound. 20 pound. 20 pound.
Yes, dear, there you are.
- 20 pound exactly, dear.
- Thanks.
Uh, I don't know if you're interested, but we
just got tickets for Gay Pride on sale today.
- I beg pardon?
- Tickets for Gay Pride.
They're £10 cheaper if
you get them in advance.
How very dare you? I've
never been so insulted.
- What do you mean?
- Well, what exactly is it you are insinuating?
I'm just saying, we've got Gay
Pride tickets on sale today.
And how do you know I'm not
married with a wife and kids?
Well, are you?
Who, dear? Me, dear? Married, dear?
No, dear.
But whether I've found the right girl
or not has got nothing to do with you,
and to be quite honest,
I find you impertinent.
No worries.
I mean, would you ask him if he
wants tickets to this gay party?
It's Gay Pride and
no, probably not.
And why's that?
He doesn't look gay.
Right. That's it. Just because a
man takes care of his appearance,
you don't expect him to be accused
of being a back-door Deirdre.
My mother and I have been coming
to this shop for 25 years
and I've never heard anything like it.
Honestly. Gay Pride?
How very dare you!
My bag.
Right, it's the David Beckham calendar
and The Best of Judy Garland, yeah?
Thank you very much.
Don't!
What have you done? You've
done something, haven't you?
Oh, my God, you are not going
to believe what I've just done!
What have you done?
- You are not going to believe it!
- What?
- I can't even tell you.
- Why not?
'Cause you ain't
gonna believe it.
Here we go.
This is classic me.
Tell me what you've done.
Last week, right, we went past that new
Chinese and you said to me, do you remember,
you said, "We should try that" and
I said, "How about Saturday?"
And you said, "Yeah, all
right, then." Do you remember?
And I said, "You know who loves
Chinese, don't you? Shelley and Tony."
And you said, do you remember, "Ask them.
See if they want to go Chinese Saturday."
And I said, "All right,
then, I'll ask them."
- So I'm ringing them to ask them.
- Yeah?
So I'm on the phone and this voice
at the other end says, "Hello?"
- And what did you say?
- I said, "Hello."
And then I said, "It's Sam. Do you and
Tony want to go Chinese Saturday?"
And she said, "Me and Tony?
Don't you mean me and Andy?"
"Me and Andy"? But Shelley
ain't married to Andy.
I know.
It's Nicky that's
married to Andy.
I said to her, "Shelley, you
ain't married to Andy."
"It's Nicky that's
married to Andy."
And she said to me,
"Sam, you silly mare",
"this is Nicky."
No. What, it ain't Shelley?
It ain't Shelley! Well,
we have collapsed.
That's when I've realised, that's why
she's speaking in a Scottish accent.
So what's happened?
You know what I've done, don't you?
I've rang Nicky by mistake!
You've rang Nicky by mistake?
She said to me, "You're a lunatic. You've
rang me by mistake. What are you like?"
I said, "You know
what I'm like."
She said, "I know what you're
like." She knows what I'm like.
I've looked at the
phone like that.
That's when it's dawned
on me what's happened.
What's happened?
I've pressed the wrong number.
No!
Straight. It's all on the memory, innit?
Shelley's number four and Nicky's number five.
And you've pressed number five?
I have pressed number five instead
of number four, like a nutter.
So now I'm speaking to Nicky
and I've asked her and Andy
to go Chinese Saturday
instead of Shelley and Tony.
So what did Nicky say?
Well, she said they can't
go Chinese Saturday,
'cause her and Andy got to
go up his mum's Saturday,
'cause his mum's just
got a satellite TV
and anyway they go
Chinese Fridays.
So what are we gonna do now?
Why don't I ring Shelley, see if her
and Tony want to go Chinese Saturday?
Genius.
- Wait till I tell Shelley what I've done.
- She will collapse.
She is gonna die.
What am I gonna do with you?
I don't know.
Hello, Shelley?
Lisa?
No!
Lisa, you are not going to
believe what I've just done!
- We haven't told you about Harrogate, have we?
- Listen to this.
Where do you start?
Last week we went up to
Harrogate for a half day out.
Only a half day.
- Anyway, we went into this cafe.
- Listen to this.
And every one of the sandwiches
they had was in French bread.
This is in Harrogate.
So anyway, we're starving hungry by this point,
so we says we'll have a cheese sandwich,
you know, in the French bread.
French bread, that's
all they had.
So we gets these two cheese sandwiches.
What sort of cheese did they say it was?
Brie. Don't ask.
So they bring us these sandwiches
and we bite into them.
This is unreal.
And you'll never guess what
they've put in a cheese sandwich.
Have a guess.
Grapes.
They've put grapes in
a cheese sandwich.
In French bread.
The dirty bastards.
I mean not that he's got anything
against the French, you know,
'cause he loves that
Inspector Clouseau.
Very funny man. Hey, but that's not it.
Listen to this.
So we pick the grapes out and we eat
the sandwiches and we get the bill.
This is unbelievable.
Two cheese sandwiches. We
didn't have a brew, did we?
- We had a flask in the van, didn't we?
- Two cheese sandwiches, in French bread,
- £5.60.
- £5.60.
£5.60 and we had to pick
the grapes out ourselves.
Honestly, they greed it off you.
Dirty, robbing bastards!
INTERVIEWER: So you've been with
Ivan and Trudy for over 20 years?
Yes, since the
Berwick Street days.
It seems like yesterday but we're all
a bit older, even if we're no wiser!
With many celebrities being private clients,
I suppose it's up to you to keep matters
as discreet as possible.
Oh, indeed, I mean, I could write a pretty
explosive expose of some of the more,
shall we say, follically
challenged stars of today.
Of course, I'd never dream
of doing such a thing.
So there are more bald
celebrities than we'd think?
Well, where do we start? Um…
Trevor McDonald, Lesley Garrett,
Delia Smith, all
completely bald.
Pierce Brosnan's got his
own hair, but no eyebrows.
And poor Helen Mirren, bless her, she
looks like a snooker ball with ears.
Of course, there's absolutely no way I can
say any of this when the camera's on.
Cut there.
Oh.
Unfortunately, you can't come into this
room with me, as it's a personal fitting.
Oh, right. So it's not
all films stars, then?
Well, as it happens, this is a
celebrity client who wears a wig
in his or her day-to-day life,
and as all our wigs, of course,
are totally undetectable,
we have to keep their
identities completely secret.
You can't give us a clue?
I'm sorry, confidentiality has been the
foundation on which we've built our business,
I couldn't even drop a hint.
All I can say is this
particular actor or actress
has been very shrewd indeed.
No Dolly Parton or Shirley
Bassey creations here.
The wig he or she wears
is very understated,
you'd never guess that she was, or
he, was actually bald as a coot.
- Yes?
- Dame Judi's coffee.
(LISPING) Oh, I'm so excited.
- Why is that?
- Because it's Christmas!
You know, we've
got Secret Santa,
mince pies, mistletoe.
I've brought me own.
Watch out, boys!
- Oh, God, she's off already.
- Ally!
Hello. You're all full of
festive fun, aren't you?
Hello, we've not met. I'm Ally.
Oh, hi, I'm Susan. I'm
in a really silly mood.
(ADOPTING LISP) Hello, Susan.
So am I.
Are you two in silly moods too?
She's got a cleft palate.
Hmm?
Yeah, yeah, God, yeah, no, yeah.
I mean, right, I mean I've got a…
You know that… I didn't mean…
I didn't, I mean,
I didn't… Pardon?
So…
(EXHALING)
♪ Ding dong merrily on high
In heaven the bells are ringing ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhh ♪
(SHRIEKS)
- Of course I'm going to leave her.
- You've been saying that for months.
It's just difficult
at the moment.
Hi, guys! Welcome to BBJ's.
I'm your waitress for today. My name's
Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee.
I'm a fiery Taurean with my moon in Uranus.
Careful, I'll do the jokes!
Can we have some menus, please?
Okay, guys, here's the
story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based error at head office,
we only have Braille menus for yourselves today.
But I'm delighted to inform you that table
six have a blind person in their party
and I'd be happy to ask
if you could borrow him.
Burger and fries will do me.
We haven't got a lot of time.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
What kind of burgers can I get
you guys for yourselves today?
- Well, we don't know what kind you've got.
- Okay, guys, here's the story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based
error at head office…
Yeah, yeah, we know about the menus. Um,
we just want regular burgers, I guess.
Just burgers for yourselves today, then?
Nothing else with that for yourselves today?
And fries.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
Do you have to do that song every
time someone mentions fries?
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
We're not forced to, but most servers
find it helps create a feeling of fun.
Okay, guys, here's the story
on the regular burgers.
I'm afraid we're out of
regular burgers today.
The only burgers we have is the Belly
Buster, three 72-ounce steak burgers
in a 12-inch dusted
sesame seed bun
with fried onion, corrugated gherkin and
various home-made sauces and pickles.
Look, I'm really sorry, but
we're running out of time.
Could we just have some
fries and a drink…
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
Okay, um, let's have this.
"Boogie Dogs. Frankfurter hot dogs
with onions and ranch sauce."
Table three going
for Boogie Dogs!
(I'M IN THE MOOD FOR
DANCING PLAYING)
Sir Michael! Are you
leaving us already?
Trudy. Ivan said you were
with a private client.
Yes, she, or he, left
through the back door.
How was your fitting
for the new play?
- Trudy…
- I'm talking, Carole-Anne.
Wonderful. I know you're
going to be away in June,
but I'm counting on Ivan to
be there on press night.
Oh, I'm sure you can count on him. When has
Ivan ever missed one of your openings?
Trudy, it's quite important.
Bon chance!
(CHUCKLING)
- Ivan!
- What is it?
Hmm-hmm-hmm's people
are on the phone, his…
- was supposed to be with them by 5:00.
- who are you talking about?
Well, I didn't think I could
say because of the camera.
Just say his first name.
Well, his first name is more of
a give away than his surname.
Just write it down, you idiot.
Give me that phone.
Jesus Christ! Bruno!
Hello, Trudy Redfern here.
How can I help you?
I'm sure he's literally
minutes away.
Look, what part of the message
didn't you understand?
It's very straightforward. "Important.
Bruno, deliver by hand before 4 p.m."
Do you want me to pop it round?
I've never met… Hmm-hmm-hmm before.
Oh, for God's sake, one of
them's a deaf Brazilian mute,
the other one speaks in Morse code.
What chance do we have?
Carole-Anne, call Showtime Couriers
and get that on a bike now!
You, come with me! Oh, come on!
Is it a big-name client?
Look, there is absolutely no way I
can divulge the name of any client.
We went through all this a dozen
times before you started filming.
I cannot compromise our confidentiality.
It is as simple as that.
But, suffice to say, if that jiffy bag
doesn't get to Wembley Arena by 7:00,
it'll be the first time anyone's ever heard
Candle In The Wind sung in a crash helmet.
There he is.
Hello, Nan.
- You come up and see me?
- Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya?
- Here I am.
Oh, you are a good boy. Did
you bring me up me bits?
- 'Course I did.
- That's it, lovely.
How are you feeling?
Yeah, not too bad, thank you, sweetheart.
Now, did you remember me nightgown?
Yeah, it's all in there.
Oh, I can't be wearing this one
much longer. The collar's too high.
I feel very educated. I'll be able
to go home soon, won't I, love?
Not yet, Nan. You had a nasty fall. They're
going to keep you in for a few more days.
Oh, I can't be in here much longer, love.
I'll go off me nut.
Come on, it's not that bad.
Not much! Glory be, it's like
a fucking circus in here!
May God forgive me for swearing. I
ain't never seen a mob like it.
All right, Nan, don't be rude.
I mean, have you had it here?
Have a look. Have a look.
- I'm not ending up like that!
- Nan.
Oh, wait for it. Here, wait till
she tries putting it in her mouth.
Oh, it is choice, all
smothered round her face.
- Keep your voice down.
- She can't hear me.
She's got more hair in her
ears than she has on her chin.
(CACKLING)
Now, did you bring me tomatoes?
Everything you asked for
is in the bag, Nan.
Oh, that's it. Ah, yeah, I'll have a
couple of them tonight. That'll be lovely.
I've still got a slice of tongue under
there, so I'll have that an' all.
I'm not eating that muck they
bring round here. Oh, no fear.
Have you seen it?
Oh, oh it is rough.
Here, have a look. A
menu, if you don't mind.
Well, you should try it, Nan.
It all looks really nice.
Oh, what, tray of slop?
No thanks.
- It's sweet and sour chicken.
- Who is it?
It's Chinese. It's nice.
Just try a little bit.
Oh, no, I couldn't eat Chinese food, son.
Their faces make me feel sick.
Nan!
Here she is. Here's
me lovely Anita.
Here you are, what did I tell you, Anita?
Here's my grandson.
He's at a university.
Nice to meet you.
You too. Thanks for everything
you're doing, Nurse.
Her name's Anita.
All right, Nan.
Yeah, don't take no notice of him,
sweetheart. He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm very much obliged to you
for all your kindness, darling.
I'm going to give you a nice
drink when I leave here,
and you can buy yourself a new
pair of tights. That's it.
Well, that's very kind of you.
You have a comfortable night, Mrs Taylor,
and I'll see you in the morning.
- Nice meeting you.
- Oh, ta-ra, sweetheart.
Take care, I'll
see you tomorrow.
Thieving bastard!
Oh, no.
- She only comes over here so she can take sights.
- Come on, Nan, she's a nurse.
Waiting for me to turn me back so she
can have a rough dive down me handbag.
Don't talk rubbish.
As God is my judge, she's had the lot.
She's had the lot.
She's had the pension book, the
gift vouchers, all me loose change,
not to mention 80 pound in cash.
Gone, finished, done, in
cold blood, that's your lot.
If this is true, Nan, we'll have
to report it to the police.
Ah, well, now, that's
where she's cunning, see.
- What do you mean?
- She put it all back.
Did she, now?
Well, she knew I was on to her,
didn't she, so she's returned it all
before I can do anything about it.
It's a criminal mind, see.
And you know me. I don't
like to say nothing.
Anyway, I've got to keep her sweet
in case she gives me a sly dig
when no one's looking.
- Oh, here we go. That's all I need!
- Well that's Alf, you know him.
Oh, he's back, is he? Walks around
with his underclothes all undone.
Oh, it is pretty having to watch
his knife walloping around.
No wonder I ain't been able to keep
anything down since I've been here.
He's got senile dementia.
"Senile dementia".
Don't make me laugh!
Nan, that's enough.
Look around you. This ward is full of
vulnerable people suffering with dignity.
It's about time you started to
have a little consideration
for those less fortunate
than yourself.
Oh, fucking chill out!
(THE ROCKAFELLER SKANK
BY FATBOY SLIM PLAYING)
This must be her.
Afternoon. Angie Barker, the new DI.
This is DS Harris.
Ma'am, sir.
And these are?
Never seen a working mother before,
Constable? Right, what have we got?
Uh, body of a woman, late thirties, we
think she might be a local… prostitute.
Okay, let's take a look.
Come on.
Come on, let's see the dead lady with
Mummy. Right, do we know how she died?
Uh, several wounds to the
torso, looks like a knife.
Multiple entry wounds, looks
like quite a frenzied attack.
Jessica, no jumping on the body, please.
Any sign of a murder weapon?
- We've not found anything yet, ma'am.
- Do we know how long she's been dead?
Police surgeon reckons no
more than a couple of hours.
Give me that stick. So we
may have some witnesses?
A local lady says she might have seen
a white saloon car driving away at speed
sometime after midday.
Problem, Constable?
- Your little girl's hanging off my jacket, ma'am.
- Really.
You want to try taking an oral swab
from a 75-year-old rape victim
whilst changing a dirty nappy,
checking two sets of homework
and looking for Barbie's
cocktail handbag.
Now that's a tough shift.
Ma'am.
Right, Harris, I want a complete
house-to-house within a one-mile radius,
a cross-reference check on every convicted sex
attacker in this area in the last five years
and a flask of boiling water.
Ma'am?
Heat up the milk,
she's due a feed.
Unplait the victim's hair, would you?
Put it back the way it was.
And wipe off those
cat's whiskers.
- Congratulations on your new job.
- Oh, thanks. I know, I'm really excited.
- Well done.
- Ally!
- Hello. I've just heard about your good news.
- Yeah.
- It's Ally, isn't it?
- Yeah, hello.
- Steve, Carole's brother.
- Hello, how nice to meet you.
- At last.
- Oh, have you just got here?
Yeah, I had a nightmare
waiting for a taxi.
Ooh. Oh, that's left
a horrible mark.
Sorry?
Your hat, it's left a dreadful mark on your
head. Give it a rub, that looks dreadful.
It's a birthmark.
Hmm?
Right. Yeah, no, no, God, no, not that
long thing. That's not even long, is it?
It's just… No, I meant… No, I meant on this
side. Oh no, oh hold on a minute, it's gone.
There, no, it's gone. It
was just the light. Yeah.
It's just… Oh no, I'm sure it was a
shadow, just a shadow. Fucking shadows!
I hate shadows.
Hmm?
(EXHALING)
- So, do you know where the people are?
- There are some people in the other room.
I'll just go and… go
to see the people.
♪ I'm gonna see da people ♪
(EXCLAIMING)
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Married
couple Trudy and Ivan Dodd
work together in their highly
successful theatrical wig emporium
in the West End of London.
They have a hectic schedule, filling wigs
for film stars, television personalities
and personal clients.
It's hard work, but for the
Dodds, it's a labour of love.
I suppose to many people we have what
must seem a very glamorous life,
making wigs for international film
stars and television personalities,
but what you'll be seeing,
however glamorous it may appear,
is for my wife Trudy and I
just another working day.
Of course, our lives could
be very glamorous indeed.
Film premieres, showbiz parties,
but we're always so incredibly
busy here at Get Knotted,
it's often just not
possible to find the time.
Yesterday, for example, Ivan had
to personally hand-finish six wigs
for the new Harry
Potter in the morning,
and then he had Stephen
Gately in the afternoon.
And that was a quiet day.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to get
off here, my arse has gone to sleep.
- Morning, Carole-Anne.
- Morning, Trudy, morning, Ivan. What a day!
(GIGGLING)
This is Carole-Anne, she's
been with us since day one.
Obviously she's not
just a receptionist.
In this business you often have to
see everything and say nothing.
Luckily, discretion is
Carole-Anne's middle name.
Any messages, Carole-Anne?
Yes, Terry Wogan's people called.
He's having problems with his new…
Carole-Anne!
Apparently, it's…
(TUTTING)
No, no messages.
Carole-Anne, this afternoon
Trudy has a private client
and I'll be fitting Sir Michael West
for his new play at the National.
So neither of us are
to be disturbed, okay?
Understood, yes.
Is Bruno here yet?
Take a wild guess.
- Bruno is our assistant.
- Your assistant.
He's from Argentina. Not that much
experience, but very enthusiastic.
Not as enthusiastic as you.
Ah, morning, Bruno.
Very temperamental,
these Latin types.
- Terry Wogan…
- Oh, shut up!
Everything okay over there?
Are you talking to me?
- Just seeing if everything's all right.
- It's rubbish here.
You know, you might enjoy it a bit
more if you speed it up a bit.
- (SIGHING) Are you talking to me again?
- You're going at a snail's pace.
- What?
- I'm just saying, you're going at a snail's pace.
I ain't got a snail's face!
Why don't you just try running?
- Are you Kelly Holmes?
- What I mean is…
- But are you Kelly Holmes, though?
- Look, all I'm saying is…
- But is your name Kelly Holmes?
- Look…
- But is your name Kelly Holmes, though?
- If you just…
- On your passport, right?
- What?
- On the page marked "name" …
- Look…
Does it say Kelly Holmes? But is
your name Kelly Holmes, though?
No, my name is not Kelly Holmes.
Well, shut up, then.
Well, there you go,
that's a lot better.
Now, why don't you try and maintain
that speed for about 10 minutes?
Don't tell me what to do.
I wouldn't go any quicker than
that, though, if I were you.
- You ain't me, though.
- No, no, seriously.
But you ain't me, though. Do
you think you're me, though?
- No, you're going too fast now.
- I ain't bothered.
- What?
- I ain't bothered, though.
- No, slow down.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Do I look bothered?
- I'm not joking.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- Please, stop.
- I ain't bothered.
- Please… No… You… No…
- Face! Look! Face! Bothered! Snail's! Face!
- You've got to… Look…
- Bothered. Kelly Holmes. Face.
I ain't bothered!
(THUDDING)
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
My laces came undone.
That's £20 exactly, please.
20 pound. 20 pound. 20 pound.
Yes, dear, there you are.
- 20 pound exactly, dear.
- Thanks.
Uh, I don't know if you're interested, but we
just got tickets for Gay Pride on sale today.
- I beg pardon?
- Tickets for Gay Pride.
They're £10 cheaper if
you get them in advance.
How very dare you? I've
never been so insulted.
- What do you mean?
- Well, what exactly is it you are insinuating?
I'm just saying, we've got Gay
Pride tickets on sale today.
And how do you know I'm not
married with a wife and kids?
Well, are you?
Who, dear? Me, dear? Married, dear?
No, dear.
But whether I've found the right girl
or not has got nothing to do with you,
and to be quite honest,
I find you impertinent.
No worries.
I mean, would you ask him if he
wants tickets to this gay party?
It's Gay Pride and
no, probably not.
And why's that?
He doesn't look gay.
Right. That's it. Just because a
man takes care of his appearance,
you don't expect him to be accused
of being a back-door Deirdre.
My mother and I have been coming
to this shop for 25 years
and I've never heard anything like it.
Honestly. Gay Pride?
How very dare you!
My bag.
Right, it's the David Beckham calendar
and The Best of Judy Garland, yeah?
Thank you very much.
Don't!
What have you done? You've
done something, haven't you?
Oh, my God, you are not going
to believe what I've just done!
What have you done?
- You are not going to believe it!
- What?
- I can't even tell you.
- Why not?
'Cause you ain't
gonna believe it.
Here we go.
This is classic me.
Tell me what you've done.
Last week, right, we went past that new
Chinese and you said to me, do you remember,
you said, "We should try that" and
I said, "How about Saturday?"
And you said, "Yeah, all
right, then." Do you remember?
And I said, "You know who loves
Chinese, don't you? Shelley and Tony."
And you said, do you remember, "Ask them.
See if they want to go Chinese Saturday."
And I said, "All right,
then, I'll ask them."
- So I'm ringing them to ask them.
- Yeah?
So I'm on the phone and this voice
at the other end says, "Hello?"
- And what did you say?
- I said, "Hello."
And then I said, "It's Sam. Do you and
Tony want to go Chinese Saturday?"
And she said, "Me and Tony?
Don't you mean me and Andy?"
"Me and Andy"? But Shelley
ain't married to Andy.
I know.
It's Nicky that's
married to Andy.
I said to her, "Shelley, you
ain't married to Andy."
"It's Nicky that's
married to Andy."
And she said to me,
"Sam, you silly mare",
"this is Nicky."
No. What, it ain't Shelley?
It ain't Shelley! Well,
we have collapsed.
That's when I've realised, that's why
she's speaking in a Scottish accent.
So what's happened?
You know what I've done, don't you?
I've rang Nicky by mistake!
You've rang Nicky by mistake?
She said to me, "You're a lunatic. You've
rang me by mistake. What are you like?"
I said, "You know
what I'm like."
She said, "I know what you're
like." She knows what I'm like.
I've looked at the
phone like that.
That's when it's dawned
on me what's happened.
What's happened?
I've pressed the wrong number.
No!
Straight. It's all on the memory, innit?
Shelley's number four and Nicky's number five.
And you've pressed number five?
I have pressed number five instead
of number four, like a nutter.
So now I'm speaking to Nicky
and I've asked her and Andy
to go Chinese Saturday
instead of Shelley and Tony.
So what did Nicky say?
Well, she said they can't
go Chinese Saturday,
'cause her and Andy got to
go up his mum's Saturday,
'cause his mum's just
got a satellite TV
and anyway they go
Chinese Fridays.
So what are we gonna do now?
Why don't I ring Shelley, see if her
and Tony want to go Chinese Saturday?
Genius.
- Wait till I tell Shelley what I've done.
- She will collapse.
She is gonna die.
What am I gonna do with you?
I don't know.
Hello, Shelley?
Lisa?
No!
Lisa, you are not going to
believe what I've just done!
- We haven't told you about Harrogate, have we?
- Listen to this.
Where do you start?
Last week we went up to
Harrogate for a half day out.
Only a half day.
- Anyway, we went into this cafe.
- Listen to this.
And every one of the sandwiches
they had was in French bread.
This is in Harrogate.
So anyway, we're starving hungry by this point,
so we says we'll have a cheese sandwich,
you know, in the French bread.
French bread, that's
all they had.
So we gets these two cheese sandwiches.
What sort of cheese did they say it was?
Brie. Don't ask.
So they bring us these sandwiches
and we bite into them.
This is unreal.
And you'll never guess what
they've put in a cheese sandwich.
Have a guess.
Grapes.
They've put grapes in
a cheese sandwich.
In French bread.
The dirty bastards.
I mean not that he's got anything
against the French, you know,
'cause he loves that
Inspector Clouseau.
Very funny man. Hey, but that's not it.
Listen to this.
So we pick the grapes out and we eat
the sandwiches and we get the bill.
This is unbelievable.
Two cheese sandwiches. We
didn't have a brew, did we?
- We had a flask in the van, didn't we?
- Two cheese sandwiches, in French bread,
- £5.60.
- £5.60.
£5.60 and we had to pick
the grapes out ourselves.
Honestly, they greed it off you.
Dirty, robbing bastards!
INTERVIEWER: So you've been with
Ivan and Trudy for over 20 years?
Yes, since the
Berwick Street days.
It seems like yesterday but we're all
a bit older, even if we're no wiser!
With many celebrities being private clients,
I suppose it's up to you to keep matters
as discreet as possible.
Oh, indeed, I mean, I could write a pretty
explosive expose of some of the more,
shall we say, follically
challenged stars of today.
Of course, I'd never dream
of doing such a thing.
So there are more bald
celebrities than we'd think?
Well, where do we start? Um…
Trevor McDonald, Lesley Garrett,
Delia Smith, all
completely bald.
Pierce Brosnan's got his
own hair, but no eyebrows.
And poor Helen Mirren, bless her, she
looks like a snooker ball with ears.
Of course, there's absolutely no way I can
say any of this when the camera's on.
Cut there.
Oh.
Unfortunately, you can't come into this
room with me, as it's a personal fitting.
Oh, right. So it's not
all films stars, then?
Well, as it happens, this is a
celebrity client who wears a wig
in his or her day-to-day life,
and as all our wigs, of course,
are totally undetectable,
we have to keep their
identities completely secret.
You can't give us a clue?
I'm sorry, confidentiality has been the
foundation on which we've built our business,
I couldn't even drop a hint.
All I can say is this
particular actor or actress
has been very shrewd indeed.
No Dolly Parton or Shirley
Bassey creations here.
The wig he or she wears
is very understated,
you'd never guess that she was, or
he, was actually bald as a coot.
- Yes?
- Dame Judi's coffee.
(LISPING) Oh, I'm so excited.
- Why is that?
- Because it's Christmas!
You know, we've
got Secret Santa,
mince pies, mistletoe.
I've brought me own.
Watch out, boys!
- Oh, God, she's off already.
- Ally!
Hello. You're all full of
festive fun, aren't you?
Hello, we've not met. I'm Ally.
Oh, hi, I'm Susan. I'm
in a really silly mood.
(ADOPTING LISP) Hello, Susan.
So am I.
Are you two in silly moods too?
She's got a cleft palate.
Hmm?
Yeah, yeah, God, yeah, no, yeah.
I mean, right, I mean I've got a…
You know that… I didn't mean…
I didn't, I mean,
I didn't… Pardon?
So…
(EXHALING)
♪ Ding dong merrily on high
In heaven the bells are ringing ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhh ♪
(SHRIEKS)
- Of course I'm going to leave her.
- You've been saying that for months.
It's just difficult
at the moment.
Hi, guys! Welcome to BBJ's.
I'm your waitress for today. My name's
Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee.
I'm a fiery Taurean with my moon in Uranus.
Careful, I'll do the jokes!
Can we have some menus, please?
Okay, guys, here's the
story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based error at head office,
we only have Braille menus for yourselves today.
But I'm delighted to inform you that table
six have a blind person in their party
and I'd be happy to ask
if you could borrow him.
Burger and fries will do me.
We haven't got a lot of time.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
What kind of burgers can I get
you guys for yourselves today?
- Well, we don't know what kind you've got.
- Okay, guys, here's the story on the menus.
Due to a non-human-based
error at head office…
Yeah, yeah, we know about the menus. Um,
we just want regular burgers, I guess.
Just burgers for yourselves today, then?
Nothing else with that for yourselves today?
And fries.
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
Do you have to do that song every
time someone mentions fries?
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
We're not forced to, but most servers
find it helps create a feeling of fun.
Okay, guys, here's the story
on the regular burgers.
I'm afraid we're out of
regular burgers today.
The only burgers we have is the Belly
Buster, three 72-ounce steak burgers
in a 12-inch dusted
sesame seed bun
with fried onion, corrugated gherkin and
various home-made sauces and pickles.
Look, I'm really sorry, but
we're running out of time.
Could we just have some
fries and a drink…
A-one potato, two potato, three potato four,
five potato, six potato, seven potato more, hey!
Okay, um, let's have this.
"Boogie Dogs. Frankfurter hot dogs
with onions and ranch sauce."
Table three going
for Boogie Dogs!
(I'M IN THE MOOD FOR
DANCING PLAYING)
Sir Michael! Are you
leaving us already?
Trudy. Ivan said you were
with a private client.
Yes, she, or he, left
through the back door.
How was your fitting
for the new play?
- Trudy…
- I'm talking, Carole-Anne.
Wonderful. I know you're
going to be away in June,
but I'm counting on Ivan to
be there on press night.
Oh, I'm sure you can count on him. When has
Ivan ever missed one of your openings?
Trudy, it's quite important.
Bon chance!
(CHUCKLING)
- Ivan!
- What is it?
Hmm-hmm-hmm's people
are on the phone, his…
- was supposed to be with them by 5:00.
- who are you talking about?
Well, I didn't think I could
say because of the camera.
Just say his first name.
Well, his first name is more of
a give away than his surname.
Just write it down, you idiot.
Give me that phone.
Jesus Christ! Bruno!
Hello, Trudy Redfern here.
How can I help you?
I'm sure he's literally
minutes away.
Look, what part of the message
didn't you understand?
It's very straightforward. "Important.
Bruno, deliver by hand before 4 p.m."
Do you want me to pop it round?
I've never met… Hmm-hmm-hmm before.
Oh, for God's sake, one of
them's a deaf Brazilian mute,
the other one speaks in Morse code.
What chance do we have?
Carole-Anne, call Showtime Couriers
and get that on a bike now!
You, come with me! Oh, come on!
Is it a big-name client?
Look, there is absolutely no way I
can divulge the name of any client.
We went through all this a dozen
times before you started filming.
I cannot compromise our confidentiality.
It is as simple as that.
But, suffice to say, if that jiffy bag
doesn't get to Wembley Arena by 7:00,
it'll be the first time anyone's ever heard
Candle In The Wind sung in a crash helmet.
There he is.
Hello, Nan.
- You come up and see me?
- Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya?
- Here I am.
Oh, you are a good boy. Did
you bring me up me bits?
- 'Course I did.
- That's it, lovely.
How are you feeling?
Yeah, not too bad, thank you, sweetheart.
Now, did you remember me nightgown?
Yeah, it's all in there.
Oh, I can't be wearing this one
much longer. The collar's too high.
I feel very educated. I'll be able
to go home soon, won't I, love?
Not yet, Nan. You had a nasty fall. They're
going to keep you in for a few more days.
Oh, I can't be in here much longer, love.
I'll go off me nut.
Come on, it's not that bad.
Not much! Glory be, it's like
a fucking circus in here!
May God forgive me for swearing. I
ain't never seen a mob like it.
All right, Nan, don't be rude.
I mean, have you had it here?
Have a look. Have a look.
- I'm not ending up like that!
- Nan.
Oh, wait for it. Here, wait till
she tries putting it in her mouth.
Oh, it is choice, all
smothered round her face.
- Keep your voice down.
- She can't hear me.
She's got more hair in her
ears than she has on her chin.
(CACKLING)
Now, did you bring me tomatoes?
Everything you asked for
is in the bag, Nan.
Oh, that's it. Ah, yeah, I'll have a
couple of them tonight. That'll be lovely.
I've still got a slice of tongue under
there, so I'll have that an' all.
I'm not eating that muck they
bring round here. Oh, no fear.
Have you seen it?
Oh, oh it is rough.
Here, have a look. A
menu, if you don't mind.
Well, you should try it, Nan.
It all looks really nice.
Oh, what, tray of slop?
No thanks.
- It's sweet and sour chicken.
- Who is it?
It's Chinese. It's nice.
Just try a little bit.
Oh, no, I couldn't eat Chinese food, son.
Their faces make me feel sick.
Nan!
Here she is. Here's
me lovely Anita.
Here you are, what did I tell you, Anita?
Here's my grandson.
He's at a university.
Nice to meet you.
You too. Thanks for everything
you're doing, Nurse.
Her name's Anita.
All right, Nan.
Yeah, don't take no notice of him,
sweetheart. He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm very much obliged to you
for all your kindness, darling.
I'm going to give you a nice
drink when I leave here,
and you can buy yourself a new
pair of tights. That's it.
Well, that's very kind of you.
You have a comfortable night, Mrs Taylor,
and I'll see you in the morning.
- Nice meeting you.
- Oh, ta-ra, sweetheart.
Take care, I'll
see you tomorrow.
Thieving bastard!
Oh, no.
- She only comes over here so she can take sights.
- Come on, Nan, she's a nurse.
Waiting for me to turn me back so she
can have a rough dive down me handbag.
Don't talk rubbish.
As God is my judge, she's had the lot.
She's had the lot.
She's had the pension book, the
gift vouchers, all me loose change,
not to mention 80 pound in cash.
Gone, finished, done, in
cold blood, that's your lot.
If this is true, Nan, we'll have
to report it to the police.
Ah, well, now, that's
where she's cunning, see.
- What do you mean?
- She put it all back.
Did she, now?
Well, she knew I was on to her,
didn't she, so she's returned it all
before I can do anything about it.
It's a criminal mind, see.
And you know me. I don't
like to say nothing.
Anyway, I've got to keep her sweet
in case she gives me a sly dig
when no one's looking.
- Oh, here we go. That's all I need!
- Well that's Alf, you know him.
Oh, he's back, is he? Walks around
with his underclothes all undone.
Oh, it is pretty having to watch
his knife walloping around.
No wonder I ain't been able to keep
anything down since I've been here.
He's got senile dementia.
"Senile dementia".
Don't make me laugh!
Nan, that's enough.
Look around you. This ward is full of
vulnerable people suffering with dignity.
It's about time you started to
have a little consideration
for those less fortunate
than yourself.
Oh, fucking chill out!
(THE ROCKAFELLER SKANK
BY FATBOY SLIM PLAYING)