The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
What's this thing we're going on again?
Theatre trip, innit.
It's gonna be well good.
- No, it ain't, it's gonna be boring.
- I reckon it might be all right, you know.
Yeah, it'll be a laugh, won't it?
Are we getting the Tube?
'Cause I ain't got my pass with me.
No, we're getting a coach, innit?
How embarrassing is that?
- No, a coach'll be a laugh, man.
- Yeah, it'll be all right, won't it?
I forgot to tell you. Do you
know who I saw yesterday?
Oh, my God, what is she wearing?
What is she wearing?
I ain't walking down the street
with her looking like that.
That is well shameful.
How are we all? Looking forward
to a slice of culture?
- Miss?
- We're all in for a treat today.
- Miss?
- I'm gonna give you your tickets now.
- Miss?
- I want you to look after them.
- Miss?
- And don't lose them. Yes, Lauren?
Miss, I'm not being funny or nothing,
but have you seen what you've got on?
Are you suggesting I don't
know what I'm wearing, Lauren?
I don't know, Miss, I thought maybe someone
had thrown it at you or something.
Well, I think it's nice to make
an effort once in a while.
No, I don't think it is, Miss.
- Now, the coach is parked by the main gates.
- You going out on the street like that, Miss?
Gather up all your belongings.
Are you going out on the street
looking like that, though?
Yes, Lauren.
Oh, my God, what have you got on your feet?
I'm too scared to look.
Look at them, now!
Jesus creepers.
That is well bad.
I think it's nice to
let your feet breathe.
Are you a Christian, miss?
- Lauren, get your things together.
- Are you a Christian, though?
- We don't have time for this.
- Right, but are you a Christian?
- Lauren!
- Is the Lord your shepherd, Miss?
Sorry?
- But is he your shepherd, though?
- I beg your pardon?
- Have you got Jesus in your heart, Miss?
- What?
- Is he in your heart, though?
- Lauren!
- Why do you wear clothes like that, then?
- Lauren!
- Do you like Cliff Richard, Miss?
- Lauren.
- Are you the Vicar of Dibley, Miss?
- Lauren!
- But are you the Vicar of Dibley, though?
- No, of course not!
- Are we your flock?
- What?
- Are we your flock, though?
- No.
- Is it that we are your flock?
- No, you're not my flock.
- Have you got a friend in Jesus, Miss?
- Oh, for goodness sake!
- Does he want you for a sunbeam?
- Look…
Does he want you for a sunbeam, though?
Lauren, enough.
You're just wasting time now, not to
mention being incredibly rude to me.
Now, get your things together, or I
shall suspend you from this trip.
Am I bothered?
- Lauren.
- Am I bothered, though?
- Look, don't make me do this.
- I ain't doing nothing, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You'll regret this.
- No, I won't, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- I mean what I say.
- Do I look bothered?
- I don't understand why you do this.
- I don't understand why you wear that!
- Lauren.
- I don't give, Miss.
- Come on.
- Don't give, mate.
- Now, come on. Lauren.
- Don't care, mate. Don't give, mate.
- Lauren.
- Don't give, mate.
- Stop it.
- Ask me if I give. Ask me if I give.
- Lauren, stop it!
- Don't give, mate.
- Lauren! Stop it!
- Don't give. Don't give.
- Come on. Stop it.
- Don't give. Ain't bothered.
- I don't… - Don't care.
- I'm not, I'm not…
- Am I bothered?
- No…
- Do I look bothered, though?
- No. No.
- Is my face bothered?
- No. Come on.
- I ain't bothered.
- Face. Look. Bothered. Face. Look.
- Lauren… No… You… Now… Cut…
- Sandals. Look. Bothered.
- You…
- Christian. Face. Bothered. Christian.
- You… Don't… You… Don't…
I ain't bothered!
Right!
Lauren, you are not
going on this trip.
You can sit there and get comfortable,
it's going to be a very long afternoon.
- Am I bothered, though?
- Not another word!
Right. Well, I don't think
that looks too bad.
I think a course of antibiotics should
clear that up within about a week.
Well, yes, you see I'm
very sensitive, Doctor.
I have to be very careful
what I put in my mouth.
Right.
How's your mother, Derek?
You still living at home?
She's very well, thank you,
Doctor, and yes, I'm still there.
Couldn't leave her on her
own, not at her age, dear.
Oh, Derek, I've saved you
one of these leaflets.
The surgery is starting a
new gay men's health clinic
on the first Monday
of every month.
I don't know if that's something
that would interest you?
I beg pardon?
It's a new health
clinic on Mondays.
Yes, I heard that bit.
For gay men.
I beg your pardon?
How very dare you?
I've never been so insulted!
Derek, everything said here
is completely confidential.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
I'm sorry, Derek, I didn't
mean to speak out of turn,
I just always assumed
you were gay.
Gay, dear? Who, dear?
Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because I live with my mother and
haven't found the right girl yet,
you assume I take
it up the 'arris?
How very dare you!
I apologise unreservedly.
Well, yes, I think you should.
25 years I've been coming here, and
then you suddenly come out with this?
Well, I find you impertinent.
"Gay men's health clinic"?
How very dare you!
Derek, your, um…
It's a gentleman's sponge bag.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Cup of tea?
Thank you.
Milk and sugar?
Okay, we've taken
a full statement,
and in the light of the
information you've given us,
I don't feel it's safe
for you to go back home.
I'm recommending we take you to a refuge
where there's other people like yourself.
Other people like myself?
Is that your answer?
Put us all in the ghettos, make
sure all the freaks are together?
It's not fair. I'm the victim
here, not the criminal.
I know, Sandra, but we can't protect
you from these bigots 24 hours a day.
That's why we're offering
you a place at the refuge.
Thank you.
I'm just sick of the inbreds
in this stupid village
sniggering at me behind my back.
I thought about moving to London, you
know, where people are more accepting,
but then I thought no, why
should I run and hide?
I know it's a cliche,
but I am what I am.
Come on, Sandra, don't
upset yourself.
Don't upset myself?
The people in the
village spit at me,
the children throw dog muck
through the letterbox,
and you're saying
don't upset myself.
It's just not fair!
I know, Sandra, but at the end of
the day, there will always be those
who just can't bring themselves
to accept people who are…
You can say it, you know.
Ginger.
- So where is this refuge?
- It's just outside Long Risden,
about 20 miles from here. We
can take you there tonight.
We have got hair dye, if you don't
want people seeing you leave.
Do you not think I tried that?
I dyed my hair and my eyebrows black when
I was 15, but at the end of the day,
I've still got freckly arms.
So, shall we go, then?
What's it like? Is
everybody there ginger?
Oh, not all of them.
There are a few normal…
normal ginger people who
work there as well.
But there's nothing to worry about, they've
been trained to work with ginger people.
Some of them even have
ginger relatives themselves.
We're not saying it's right that you should
have to go there, but at the moment,
what with the current hate campaigns
against "geen…" Sorry, ginger people,
we think it's the safest
course of action right now.
(SOBBING)
Oh, come on, love. Now, come on.
Now, don't upset yourself.
Come on, let's go. Good girl.
Come on.
Come on, now. Come on,
it's gonna be all right.
There you go. Come on, now.
Now, get that chair
wiped down, will you?
And make sure someone's here to
burn my clothes when I get back.
Ally!
Hello. Oh, my goodness, I've just
been in your garden. It's gorgeous.
Thank you. Look, I don't
believe you've met Yvonne?
No, hello. I'm Ally.
Hello.
Hi. Oh, you've got something
on your face there.
- Just give it a rub off. Yeah.
- Is that all right?
No, I think it's a hair or something.
Hold on.
It's attached.
Um…
Just doesn't… I mean, it doesn't…
No, I mean, you can't see it.
I mean, I can see it, but
then I know it's there.
I mean, he didn't see it.
He doesn't know it's there.
Oh, Christ, there's more. Um…
Don't pluck them, two
will grow in one.
So…
My nan had a beard.
(EXHALING)
Ooooh.
(WHIMPERING)
Well, you might think you've heard
everything. Listen to this.
- Well, I don't know where to start.
- Well, where do you start?
- We was on our way to see our Valder.
- She'd just moved to Beverley.
- She used to live on Bransholme.
- Yeah, they don't need to know that.
So anyway, we're on our way to see our
Valder, and we have to keep stopping
because Ray hadn't brought
his driving glasses.
I'm usually all right, but they'd
just put in a new ring road, so…
So anyway, we stopped again
to ask for directions,
and we noticed we
were opposite a pub.
Listen to this.
So we thought we'd better have
something to eat before we get there,
because Valder's one
of these vegetarians.
They don't eat meat.
So we cross over to this pub. It looked
all right from the outside, didn't it?
(CHUCKLING) Oh,
famous last words.
So we gets in, and there's a sign
saying it was… What do they call it?
A gastropub. Don't ask.
So we sits down, and
we looks at the menu.
Listen to this.
Well, first thing on the
menu was mushroom soup.
Well, Ray liked the sound
of that, didn't you?
Yeah, not for long.
- Then he read what were in it.
- Listen to this.
When he read what sort
of mushrooms they were.
This is unbelievable.
What were they called?
Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You went mad, didn't you?
Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You don't want that
in soup, do you?
"Shit-ache" mushrooms, dried.
You don't want it in anything.
Now, I've eaten
everything, right?
From Whitby crab to gammon
with pineapple on it,
so I'm not squeamish.
But I am not eating anything
that has got "dried
shit" in the title.
No way.
This is in Beverley.
The dirty bastards!
I've not told you
about today, have I?
- What's been happening?
- I can't believe I ain't told you.
- Told me what?
- Have I told you already?
- Told me what, babe?
- No, I must have told you.
You ain't told me nothing.
There is absolutely no
way I could have got…
to 20 past 10 without telling you
what's happened to me today.
- What is it?
- You are gonna die.
Oh, come on.
I might as well ring the ambulance
now, because you are gonna die.
- Come on, you gotta tell me now.
- I ain't told you, have I?
- You ain't said nothing.
- This is quality.
Come on, what you
done this time?
Lunchtime, right, I'm out with Kerry and
gay Simon, and we're on our way to Gino's.
We get there, we're about to go in and
Kerry says she don't want nothing to eat,
'cause she's doing the Atkins, all she
wants is a packet of extra-strong mints.
So I said, well I'm not that fussed about
eating either, 'cause I'd gone mad
and had an M&S wheat-germ
tricolour for me breakfast.
Then, gay Simon says, in that case,
he don't want nothing either,
- 'cause he ain't eating on his own.
- What, nobody wanted anything to eat?
Nobody wanted anything to eat,
and we're stood outside Gino's
like a bunch of nutters!
No!
Well, we looks at
each other like that.
As usual, Kerry's the first to go.
She starts laughing.
I said, "I hope you ain't
laughing at me, Kerry Baxter."
Baxter ain't her real name, but she
don't talk to her dad no more,
so she thought she might
as well change it.
Meanwhile, gay Simon is laughing
so much he's collapsed.
No!
He has collapsed.
It's 1:00, the three of us
are standing outside Gino's,
no one's eating, and we
are racked with agony.
What are you lot like
when you get together?
- Oh, but that ain't it.
- That ain't it?
That… That is your
starter for 10.
Oh, this is unbelievable.
So, Kerry says she might as well
get her mints from the newsagent.
I said I'd go with her and gay
Simon said he'd come, too,
as long as he didn't
have to eat nothing.
So we get there, Kerry
buys her mints,
gay Simon gets a newspaper, and I
buy one of them scratch cards.
- Oh, here we go.
- I know!
- Millionaires now, are we?
- Shut up! Don't spoil it.
Shall I book the holiday now?
Stop it, I'm gonna wet meself!
- What are you like?
- You know what I'm like!
I know what you're like.
So, we're in the shop, I'm
doing me scratch card,
gay Simon's looking
at his newspaper,
and Kerry's asking the
man behind the counter
if there's any carbohydrate
in a strawberry Mini-Milk.
Then, I've looked down
at this scratch card,
I've only got three
pound symbols.
- No.
- I swear to God.
Well, you won?
Three pound symbols.
I've won me money back.
Oh. My God!
But that ain't it. I've give the
card to the man behind the counter,
he's looked at it like that, he
said to me, "You ain't won",
"'cause all the symbols have
gotta be in a straight line."
Were they not in a
straight line, babe?
No. One of them's in the corner,
the other one's next to it,
and I can't remember
where the other one is.
Well, we have gone off.
Gay Simon is doubled up,
I'm screaming like a
witch, and Kerry's got
strawberry Mini-Milk
coming out of her nose.
It was bedlam!
Why does it always
happen to you?
I don't know!
(MOBILE BEEPING)
It's a text from Kerry.
Oh, here we go. What's it say?
It says… It says,
"When are we gonna
spend your winnings?"
(SIREN BLARING)
Hello, Sandra, we've
been expecting you.
Don't worry, you're safe now.
Would you like to
bring Sandra through?
Um, through to the other room?
Yes.
Are there more people
through there?
Ginger people? Yes, there are.
This is a ginger refuge.
I brought Sandra here because
we're short-staffed, but I can't…
It's not the smell.
It's… It's just that I'm not qualified
to work with ginger people.
I'm sorry. We'll get your
stuff sent on to you, eh?
Sandra, the police are some of the
most ginger-phobic people in society.
But don't worry. As I said,
you're safe now. Come through.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Welcome to Russett Lodge.
Can we join you, Helen?
This is Sandra Kemp,
she's just arrived.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, she's beautiful. Does
her mum live at the refuge?
I'm her mum.
I don't understand. You're not…
The ginger gene can skip a generation.
Helen is what's known as a carrier.
Although carriers can blend into
society much more easily than gingers,
at some point
communities find out,
and people like Helen are
driven out of their homes, too.
So, I'm just like you.
I may not be ginger here,
but I'm ginger here.
Well, I'm glad you could come.
It's so nice to see you.
(STUTTERING) Well, to be honest,
I wasn't sure whether I was
going to m-m-make it tonight.
Ally!
Hello. Come on, you two,
get on the dance floor!
- Have you two met each other?
- No. Hello, I'm Ally.
Hi, I'm sh-sh-sh…
♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Chaka Khan ♪
No, I'm sh-sh-sh…
♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you
That's all I wanna do ♪
- No, I'm sh-sh…
- ♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you… ♪
Sean.
Hmm?
God, no, yeah, no, God.
No, I mean, I know… Yeah,
no, I was just rapping.
Yeah. No, 'cause I know you…
You… You're… Because
you're Sean with the… Hmm?
You know, it goes if you sing.
Don't do that!
(BELLS RINGING)
Beautiful service.
(ALL AGREEING)
98. You've gotta admit, the old
bugger had a good innings.
- Yeah.
- That's true.
I'm sorry, I find that
language very disrespectful.
I think you should
modify your tone.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Sorry, I thought I
switched it off.
Unbelievable!
(FARTING)
I'm sorry, would you mind moving down?
It's very cramped in here.
(DOOR CLOSING)
- Is that you, darling?
- Hiya, Nan.
Oh, sweetheart,
thank God for that.
Are you okay? I came as
soon as I got your message.
Oh, you are a good boy.
- How are you feeling?
- I'm all right, love. Yeah, I'll be all right.
- Just a bit of a shock, that's all.
- Yeah. When did it happen?
Just after 1:00.
Been sat in not knowing
what to do since then.
I got here as soon
as I could, Nan.
No, don't worry, darling,
you weren't to know something like this
was gonna happen. How could anybody know?
We all take these things for granted, and
then one day, bang, that's your lot.
Yeah.
Is it just ITV you can't get?
No, love, it's all of them.
I've been sat here in silence for
the last three-and-a-half hours.
Have you missed many
of your programmes?
Oh, you know me, love, I don't
really take much notice.
It's just nice to have on in the
background for a bit of company,
- that's all, you know.
- Yeah.
Although, I suppose I'll never
know what happened to Tanisha.
Who's Tanisha?
Girl on that Trisha this
morning, did you see it?
- No.
- Oh, it's unbelievable.
She's getting the fat
sucked out of her thigh
and injected into her backside.
Only a young girl she was, I thought they'd
got it the wrong way round at first,
but no, she wants to have a bigger
arse than she's already got.
And if you ask me, it was a
fair size to start with.
You could show fucking
cartoons on it!
I've got someone coming over to have a
look at the telly. He should be here soon.
And I've missed me
lovely gay boy,
who takes you to an auction and sells all
your old shit you were gonna throw out.
Oh, he's clever.
It might just be the fuse.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Oh, that'll be Danny.
- Danny who?
Oh, Nan, don't start.
Danny Shaw.
I don't know no one called Shaw.
You do. You know his mother, Lou Shaw,
she's just come out of hospital.
Not Loopy Lou?
Don't you dare say that while
he's here, she's been very ill.
Not Loopy fucking Lou, love!
They've never let her
out again, have they?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Nan, I'm warning you. He's repairing the
telly for free, so don't upset him.
For free? No, thank you.
I don't want no charity.
You can tell him to piss off out of it.
I'd rather sit in the dark.
- Hello, Mrs Taylor, how you doing?
- Hello, sweetheart, how are you?
I'm not too bad, thanks. Now,
let's have a look at this.
Oh, you can take it away, darling.
I never really look at it.
- I'll put the kettle on.
- Did Jamie check the fuse?
Oh, don't bother asking him nothing,
darling. He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm not gonna charge you
for the repair, Mrs Taylor,
and I don't want
any arguing, okay?
Oh, you are a good boy.
How's your mum, darling? I ain't
seen her about for a while.
She's okay, thanks.
Oh. She still up the nuthouse?
Nan.
Mum went into hospital for a rest,
but she's much better now, thanks.
Oh, I am pleased, darling, 'cause
last time I saw your mother,
she was down on all fours in the
dry cleaners barking like a dog.
No, I think you must have her confused
with somebody else, Mrs Taylor.
No, Loopy Lou! Everyone
knows your mother.
I remember when she got
barred out of Tesco's
when they caught her
peeing in the deep freeze.
Off her fucking nut, she was!
Still, I'm very pleased to
hear she's feeling better.
There you go, Mrs Taylor. It was
just the fuse, so I'll be on my way.
No, you won't, son. Oh, no, no. You'll
take something for your trouble.
Now, we've been through this.
- Now, I won't take your money.
- Now, be a good boy.
- It's only a fuse.
- That's not the point. There's £50.
Look, I can't take it.
Now, you take it, and go and treat
your mother to a nice new hat.
Well, thank you, Mrs Taylor,
you look after yourself.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Very obliged to you coming at
such short notice. Truly, I am.
(EXCLAIMS)
What a fucking liberty!
£50? £50?
He weren't here five minutes!
Greedy little bastard!
- Nan, you offered it to him.
- He nearly took me fucking hand off!
- But he was gonna do it for free.
- Mugged in me own front room.
Oh, and he was such a
lovely little boy and all.
I remember he used to come up here
wearing his little cowboy outfit.
Should have fucking kept it on.
Nan!
And a lot of good
you were and all.
Stood there worried about
what side your hair's parted,
while I'm getting turned over by a
man whose mother eats her own shit!
Being ginger is who I am.
Why should I deny that?
You shouldn't. And
that's why we're here.
We have all sorts
of gingers here.
Gingers in denial,
confused gingers,
even militant gingers,
but they have one thing in common, they
don't need to fear the outside world.
They're all welcome to stay
here in peace and harmony.
I've had enough of you! I've had
enough, that's the last time!
Put the bottle down.
What's she doing here?
She's not even ginger.
She's strawberry blonde!
I've as much right
to be here as you.
Look at her face.
She's not even pale.
I'm as ginger as you are.
How come you're the only one who
uses the garden when it's sunny?
Oh, look, she's getting a tan.
All right, everyone, that's enough.
Look at us! Look at us.
From strawberry blondes to flame-haired
beauties, we are all ginger.
And if we can't get on with each other in here,
what chance do we have in the real world?
"Duracell,"
"ginger nut, carrot-top,
copper knob."
We're used to getting that kind
of abuse every day out there.
People asking us to move away from
areas where food is being prepared.
Total strangers assuming
we're Scottish!
Forever trawling the streets,
trying to find a hairdresser's
that isn't "fully booked".
Well, not in here.
This is a safe haven for
everyone and everything ginger.
Let's keep it that way!
ALL: ♪ I'd like to ♪
♪ build the world a home ♪
♪ And furnish it with love ♪
♪ Grow apple trees ♪
♪ and honey bees ♪
♪ And snow-white turtle doves ♪
♪ I'd like to teach ♪
♪ the world to sing ♪
♪ In perfect harmony ♪
♪ I'd like to hold it in my arms ♪
♪ And keep it company ♪
CROWD: Gingers out! Gingers out!
♪ I'd like to see the world for ♪
♪ once All standing hand in hand ♪
Theatre trip, innit.
It's gonna be well good.
- No, it ain't, it's gonna be boring.
- I reckon it might be all right, you know.
Yeah, it'll be a laugh, won't it?
Are we getting the Tube?
'Cause I ain't got my pass with me.
No, we're getting a coach, innit?
How embarrassing is that?
- No, a coach'll be a laugh, man.
- Yeah, it'll be all right, won't it?
I forgot to tell you. Do you
know who I saw yesterday?
Oh, my God, what is she wearing?
What is she wearing?
I ain't walking down the street
with her looking like that.
That is well shameful.
How are we all? Looking forward
to a slice of culture?
- Miss?
- We're all in for a treat today.
- Miss?
- I'm gonna give you your tickets now.
- Miss?
- I want you to look after them.
- Miss?
- And don't lose them. Yes, Lauren?
Miss, I'm not being funny or nothing,
but have you seen what you've got on?
Are you suggesting I don't
know what I'm wearing, Lauren?
I don't know, Miss, I thought maybe someone
had thrown it at you or something.
Well, I think it's nice to make
an effort once in a while.
No, I don't think it is, Miss.
- Now, the coach is parked by the main gates.
- You going out on the street like that, Miss?
Gather up all your belongings.
Are you going out on the street
looking like that, though?
Yes, Lauren.
Oh, my God, what have you got on your feet?
I'm too scared to look.
Look at them, now!
Jesus creepers.
That is well bad.
I think it's nice to
let your feet breathe.
Are you a Christian, miss?
- Lauren, get your things together.
- Are you a Christian, though?
- We don't have time for this.
- Right, but are you a Christian?
- Lauren!
- Is the Lord your shepherd, Miss?
Sorry?
- But is he your shepherd, though?
- I beg your pardon?
- Have you got Jesus in your heart, Miss?
- What?
- Is he in your heart, though?
- Lauren!
- Why do you wear clothes like that, then?
- Lauren!
- Do you like Cliff Richard, Miss?
- Lauren.
- Are you the Vicar of Dibley, Miss?
- Lauren!
- But are you the Vicar of Dibley, though?
- No, of course not!
- Are we your flock?
- What?
- Are we your flock, though?
- No.
- Is it that we are your flock?
- No, you're not my flock.
- Have you got a friend in Jesus, Miss?
- Oh, for goodness sake!
- Does he want you for a sunbeam?
- Look…
Does he want you for a sunbeam, though?
Lauren, enough.
You're just wasting time now, not to
mention being incredibly rude to me.
Now, get your things together, or I
shall suspend you from this trip.
Am I bothered?
- Lauren.
- Am I bothered, though?
- Look, don't make me do this.
- I ain't doing nothing, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You'll regret this.
- No, I won't, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- I mean what I say.
- Do I look bothered?
- I don't understand why you do this.
- I don't understand why you wear that!
- Lauren.
- I don't give, Miss.
- Come on.
- Don't give, mate.
- Now, come on. Lauren.
- Don't care, mate. Don't give, mate.
- Lauren.
- Don't give, mate.
- Stop it.
- Ask me if I give. Ask me if I give.
- Lauren, stop it!
- Don't give, mate.
- Lauren! Stop it!
- Don't give. Don't give.
- Come on. Stop it.
- Don't give. Ain't bothered.
- I don't… - Don't care.
- I'm not, I'm not…
- Am I bothered?
- No…
- Do I look bothered, though?
- No. No.
- Is my face bothered?
- No. Come on.
- I ain't bothered.
- Face. Look. Bothered. Face. Look.
- Lauren… No… You… Now… Cut…
- Sandals. Look. Bothered.
- You…
- Christian. Face. Bothered. Christian.
- You… Don't… You… Don't…
I ain't bothered!
Right!
Lauren, you are not
going on this trip.
You can sit there and get comfortable,
it's going to be a very long afternoon.
- Am I bothered, though?
- Not another word!
Right. Well, I don't think
that looks too bad.
I think a course of antibiotics should
clear that up within about a week.
Well, yes, you see I'm
very sensitive, Doctor.
I have to be very careful
what I put in my mouth.
Right.
How's your mother, Derek?
You still living at home?
She's very well, thank you,
Doctor, and yes, I'm still there.
Couldn't leave her on her
own, not at her age, dear.
Oh, Derek, I've saved you
one of these leaflets.
The surgery is starting a
new gay men's health clinic
on the first Monday
of every month.
I don't know if that's something
that would interest you?
I beg pardon?
It's a new health
clinic on Mondays.
Yes, I heard that bit.
For gay men.
I beg your pardon?
How very dare you?
I've never been so insulted!
Derek, everything said here
is completely confidential.
What on earth are
you insinuating?
I'm sorry, Derek, I didn't
mean to speak out of turn,
I just always assumed
you were gay.
Gay, dear? Who, dear?
Me, dear? No, dear.
Just because I live with my mother and
haven't found the right girl yet,
you assume I take
it up the 'arris?
How very dare you!
I apologise unreservedly.
Well, yes, I think you should.
25 years I've been coming here, and
then you suddenly come out with this?
Well, I find you impertinent.
"Gay men's health clinic"?
How very dare you!
Derek, your, um…
It's a gentleman's sponge bag.
Come on, Leonard, we're off.
Cup of tea?
Thank you.
Milk and sugar?
Okay, we've taken
a full statement,
and in the light of the
information you've given us,
I don't feel it's safe
for you to go back home.
I'm recommending we take you to a refuge
where there's other people like yourself.
Other people like myself?
Is that your answer?
Put us all in the ghettos, make
sure all the freaks are together?
It's not fair. I'm the victim
here, not the criminal.
I know, Sandra, but we can't protect
you from these bigots 24 hours a day.
That's why we're offering
you a place at the refuge.
Thank you.
I'm just sick of the inbreds
in this stupid village
sniggering at me behind my back.
I thought about moving to London, you
know, where people are more accepting,
but then I thought no, why
should I run and hide?
I know it's a cliche,
but I am what I am.
Come on, Sandra, don't
upset yourself.
Don't upset myself?
The people in the
village spit at me,
the children throw dog muck
through the letterbox,
and you're saying
don't upset myself.
It's just not fair!
I know, Sandra, but at the end of
the day, there will always be those
who just can't bring themselves
to accept people who are…
You can say it, you know.
Ginger.
- So where is this refuge?
- It's just outside Long Risden,
about 20 miles from here. We
can take you there tonight.
We have got hair dye, if you don't
want people seeing you leave.
Do you not think I tried that?
I dyed my hair and my eyebrows black when
I was 15, but at the end of the day,
I've still got freckly arms.
So, shall we go, then?
What's it like? Is
everybody there ginger?
Oh, not all of them.
There are a few normal…
normal ginger people who
work there as well.
But there's nothing to worry about, they've
been trained to work with ginger people.
Some of them even have
ginger relatives themselves.
We're not saying it's right that you should
have to go there, but at the moment,
what with the current hate campaigns
against "geen…" Sorry, ginger people,
we think it's the safest
course of action right now.
(SOBBING)
Oh, come on, love. Now, come on.
Now, don't upset yourself.
Come on, let's go. Good girl.
Come on.
Come on, now. Come on,
it's gonna be all right.
There you go. Come on, now.
Now, get that chair
wiped down, will you?
And make sure someone's here to
burn my clothes when I get back.
Ally!
Hello. Oh, my goodness, I've just
been in your garden. It's gorgeous.
Thank you. Look, I don't
believe you've met Yvonne?
No, hello. I'm Ally.
Hello.
Hi. Oh, you've got something
on your face there.
- Just give it a rub off. Yeah.
- Is that all right?
No, I think it's a hair or something.
Hold on.
It's attached.
Um…
Just doesn't… I mean, it doesn't…
No, I mean, you can't see it.
I mean, I can see it, but
then I know it's there.
I mean, he didn't see it.
He doesn't know it's there.
Oh, Christ, there's more. Um…
Don't pluck them, two
will grow in one.
So…
My nan had a beard.
(EXHALING)
Ooooh.
(WHIMPERING)
Well, you might think you've heard
everything. Listen to this.
- Well, I don't know where to start.
- Well, where do you start?
- We was on our way to see our Valder.
- She'd just moved to Beverley.
- She used to live on Bransholme.
- Yeah, they don't need to know that.
So anyway, we're on our way to see our
Valder, and we have to keep stopping
because Ray hadn't brought
his driving glasses.
I'm usually all right, but they'd
just put in a new ring road, so…
So anyway, we stopped again
to ask for directions,
and we noticed we
were opposite a pub.
Listen to this.
So we thought we'd better have
something to eat before we get there,
because Valder's one
of these vegetarians.
They don't eat meat.
So we cross over to this pub. It looked
all right from the outside, didn't it?
(CHUCKLING) Oh,
famous last words.
So we gets in, and there's a sign
saying it was… What do they call it?
A gastropub. Don't ask.
So we sits down, and
we looks at the menu.
Listen to this.
Well, first thing on the
menu was mushroom soup.
Well, Ray liked the sound
of that, didn't you?
Yeah, not for long.
- Then he read what were in it.
- Listen to this.
When he read what sort
of mushrooms they were.
This is unbelievable.
What were they called?
Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You went mad, didn't you?
Dried "shit-ache" mushrooms.
You don't want that
in soup, do you?
"Shit-ache" mushrooms, dried.
You don't want it in anything.
Now, I've eaten
everything, right?
From Whitby crab to gammon
with pineapple on it,
so I'm not squeamish.
But I am not eating anything
that has got "dried
shit" in the title.
No way.
This is in Beverley.
The dirty bastards!
I've not told you
about today, have I?
- What's been happening?
- I can't believe I ain't told you.
- Told me what?
- Have I told you already?
- Told me what, babe?
- No, I must have told you.
You ain't told me nothing.
There is absolutely no
way I could have got…
to 20 past 10 without telling you
what's happened to me today.
- What is it?
- You are gonna die.
Oh, come on.
I might as well ring the ambulance
now, because you are gonna die.
- Come on, you gotta tell me now.
- I ain't told you, have I?
- You ain't said nothing.
- This is quality.
Come on, what you
done this time?
Lunchtime, right, I'm out with Kerry and
gay Simon, and we're on our way to Gino's.
We get there, we're about to go in and
Kerry says she don't want nothing to eat,
'cause she's doing the Atkins, all she
wants is a packet of extra-strong mints.
So I said, well I'm not that fussed about
eating either, 'cause I'd gone mad
and had an M&S wheat-germ
tricolour for me breakfast.
Then, gay Simon says, in that case,
he don't want nothing either,
- 'cause he ain't eating on his own.
- What, nobody wanted anything to eat?
Nobody wanted anything to eat,
and we're stood outside Gino's
like a bunch of nutters!
No!
Well, we looks at
each other like that.
As usual, Kerry's the first to go.
She starts laughing.
I said, "I hope you ain't
laughing at me, Kerry Baxter."
Baxter ain't her real name, but she
don't talk to her dad no more,
so she thought she might
as well change it.
Meanwhile, gay Simon is laughing
so much he's collapsed.
No!
He has collapsed.
It's 1:00, the three of us
are standing outside Gino's,
no one's eating, and we
are racked with agony.
What are you lot like
when you get together?
- Oh, but that ain't it.
- That ain't it?
That… That is your
starter for 10.
Oh, this is unbelievable.
So, Kerry says she might as well
get her mints from the newsagent.
I said I'd go with her and gay
Simon said he'd come, too,
as long as he didn't
have to eat nothing.
So we get there, Kerry
buys her mints,
gay Simon gets a newspaper, and I
buy one of them scratch cards.
- Oh, here we go.
- I know!
- Millionaires now, are we?
- Shut up! Don't spoil it.
Shall I book the holiday now?
Stop it, I'm gonna wet meself!
- What are you like?
- You know what I'm like!
I know what you're like.
So, we're in the shop, I'm
doing me scratch card,
gay Simon's looking
at his newspaper,
and Kerry's asking the
man behind the counter
if there's any carbohydrate
in a strawberry Mini-Milk.
Then, I've looked down
at this scratch card,
I've only got three
pound symbols.
- No.
- I swear to God.
Well, you won?
Three pound symbols.
I've won me money back.
Oh. My God!
But that ain't it. I've give the
card to the man behind the counter,
he's looked at it like that, he
said to me, "You ain't won",
"'cause all the symbols have
gotta be in a straight line."
Were they not in a
straight line, babe?
No. One of them's in the corner,
the other one's next to it,
and I can't remember
where the other one is.
Well, we have gone off.
Gay Simon is doubled up,
I'm screaming like a
witch, and Kerry's got
strawberry Mini-Milk
coming out of her nose.
It was bedlam!
Why does it always
happen to you?
I don't know!
(MOBILE BEEPING)
It's a text from Kerry.
Oh, here we go. What's it say?
It says… It says,
"When are we gonna
spend your winnings?"
(SIREN BLARING)
Hello, Sandra, we've
been expecting you.
Don't worry, you're safe now.
Would you like to
bring Sandra through?
Um, through to the other room?
Yes.
Are there more people
through there?
Ginger people? Yes, there are.
This is a ginger refuge.
I brought Sandra here because
we're short-staffed, but I can't…
It's not the smell.
It's… It's just that I'm not qualified
to work with ginger people.
I'm sorry. We'll get your
stuff sent on to you, eh?
Sandra, the police are some of the
most ginger-phobic people in society.
But don't worry. As I said,
you're safe now. Come through.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Welcome to Russett Lodge.
Can we join you, Helen?
This is Sandra Kemp,
she's just arrived.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh, she's beautiful. Does
her mum live at the refuge?
I'm her mum.
I don't understand. You're not…
The ginger gene can skip a generation.
Helen is what's known as a carrier.
Although carriers can blend into
society much more easily than gingers,
at some point
communities find out,
and people like Helen are
driven out of their homes, too.
So, I'm just like you.
I may not be ginger here,
but I'm ginger here.
Well, I'm glad you could come.
It's so nice to see you.
(STUTTERING) Well, to be honest,
I wasn't sure whether I was
going to m-m-make it tonight.
Ally!
Hello. Come on, you two,
get on the dance floor!
- Have you two met each other?
- No. Hello, I'm Ally.
Hi, I'm sh-sh-sh…
♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Chaka Khan ♪
No, I'm sh-sh-sh…
♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you
That's all I wanna do ♪
- No, I'm sh-sh…
- ♪ Chaka Khan, let me rock you… ♪
Sean.
Hmm?
God, no, yeah, no, God.
No, I mean, I know… Yeah,
no, I was just rapping.
Yeah. No, 'cause I know you…
You… You're… Because
you're Sean with the… Hmm?
You know, it goes if you sing.
Don't do that!
(BELLS RINGING)
Beautiful service.
(ALL AGREEING)
98. You've gotta admit, the old
bugger had a good innings.
- Yeah.
- That's true.
I'm sorry, I find that
language very disrespectful.
I think you should
modify your tone.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Sorry, I thought I
switched it off.
Unbelievable!
(FARTING)
I'm sorry, would you mind moving down?
It's very cramped in here.
(DOOR CLOSING)
- Is that you, darling?
- Hiya, Nan.
Oh, sweetheart,
thank God for that.
Are you okay? I came as
soon as I got your message.
Oh, you are a good boy.
- How are you feeling?
- I'm all right, love. Yeah, I'll be all right.
- Just a bit of a shock, that's all.
- Yeah. When did it happen?
Just after 1:00.
Been sat in not knowing
what to do since then.
I got here as soon
as I could, Nan.
No, don't worry, darling,
you weren't to know something like this
was gonna happen. How could anybody know?
We all take these things for granted, and
then one day, bang, that's your lot.
Yeah.
Is it just ITV you can't get?
No, love, it's all of them.
I've been sat here in silence for
the last three-and-a-half hours.
Have you missed many
of your programmes?
Oh, you know me, love, I don't
really take much notice.
It's just nice to have on in the
background for a bit of company,
- that's all, you know.
- Yeah.
Although, I suppose I'll never
know what happened to Tanisha.
Who's Tanisha?
Girl on that Trisha this
morning, did you see it?
- No.
- Oh, it's unbelievable.
She's getting the fat
sucked out of her thigh
and injected into her backside.
Only a young girl she was, I thought they'd
got it the wrong way round at first,
but no, she wants to have a bigger
arse than she's already got.
And if you ask me, it was a
fair size to start with.
You could show fucking
cartoons on it!
I've got someone coming over to have a
look at the telly. He should be here soon.
And I've missed me
lovely gay boy,
who takes you to an auction and sells all
your old shit you were gonna throw out.
Oh, he's clever.
It might just be the fuse.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Oh, that'll be Danny.
- Danny who?
Oh, Nan, don't start.
Danny Shaw.
I don't know no one called Shaw.
You do. You know his mother, Lou Shaw,
she's just come out of hospital.
Not Loopy Lou?
Don't you dare say that while
he's here, she's been very ill.
Not Loopy fucking Lou, love!
They've never let her
out again, have they?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Nan, I'm warning you. He's repairing the
telly for free, so don't upset him.
For free? No, thank you.
I don't want no charity.
You can tell him to piss off out of it.
I'd rather sit in the dark.
- Hello, Mrs Taylor, how you doing?
- Hello, sweetheart, how are you?
I'm not too bad, thanks. Now,
let's have a look at this.
Oh, you can take it away, darling.
I never really look at it.
- I'll put the kettle on.
- Did Jamie check the fuse?
Oh, don't bother asking him nothing,
darling. He ain't got a job.
Now, I'm not gonna charge you
for the repair, Mrs Taylor,
and I don't want
any arguing, okay?
Oh, you are a good boy.
How's your mum, darling? I ain't
seen her about for a while.
She's okay, thanks.
Oh. She still up the nuthouse?
Nan.
Mum went into hospital for a rest,
but she's much better now, thanks.
Oh, I am pleased, darling, 'cause
last time I saw your mother,
she was down on all fours in the
dry cleaners barking like a dog.
No, I think you must have her confused
with somebody else, Mrs Taylor.
No, Loopy Lou! Everyone
knows your mother.
I remember when she got
barred out of Tesco's
when they caught her
peeing in the deep freeze.
Off her fucking nut, she was!
Still, I'm very pleased to
hear she's feeling better.
There you go, Mrs Taylor. It was
just the fuse, so I'll be on my way.
No, you won't, son. Oh, no, no. You'll
take something for your trouble.
Now, we've been through this.
- Now, I won't take your money.
- Now, be a good boy.
- It's only a fuse.
- That's not the point. There's £50.
Look, I can't take it.
Now, you take it, and go and treat
your mother to a nice new hat.
Well, thank you, Mrs Taylor,
you look after yourself.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Very obliged to you coming at
such short notice. Truly, I am.
(EXCLAIMS)
What a fucking liberty!
£50? £50?
He weren't here five minutes!
Greedy little bastard!
- Nan, you offered it to him.
- He nearly took me fucking hand off!
- But he was gonna do it for free.
- Mugged in me own front room.
Oh, and he was such a
lovely little boy and all.
I remember he used to come up here
wearing his little cowboy outfit.
Should have fucking kept it on.
Nan!
And a lot of good
you were and all.
Stood there worried about
what side your hair's parted,
while I'm getting turned over by a
man whose mother eats her own shit!
Being ginger is who I am.
Why should I deny that?
You shouldn't. And
that's why we're here.
We have all sorts
of gingers here.
Gingers in denial,
confused gingers,
even militant gingers,
but they have one thing in common, they
don't need to fear the outside world.
They're all welcome to stay
here in peace and harmony.
I've had enough of you! I've had
enough, that's the last time!
Put the bottle down.
What's she doing here?
She's not even ginger.
She's strawberry blonde!
I've as much right
to be here as you.
Look at her face.
She's not even pale.
I'm as ginger as you are.
How come you're the only one who
uses the garden when it's sunny?
Oh, look, she's getting a tan.
All right, everyone, that's enough.
Look at us! Look at us.
From strawberry blondes to flame-haired
beauties, we are all ginger.
And if we can't get on with each other in here,
what chance do we have in the real world?
"Duracell,"
"ginger nut, carrot-top,
copper knob."
We're used to getting that kind
of abuse every day out there.
People asking us to move away from
areas where food is being prepared.
Total strangers assuming
we're Scottish!
Forever trawling the streets,
trying to find a hairdresser's
that isn't "fully booked".
Well, not in here.
This is a safe haven for
everyone and everything ginger.
Let's keep it that way!
ALL: ♪ I'd like to ♪
♪ build the world a home ♪
♪ And furnish it with love ♪
♪ Grow apple trees ♪
♪ and honey bees ♪
♪ And snow-white turtle doves ♪
♪ I'd like to teach ♪
♪ the world to sing ♪
♪ In perfect harmony ♪
♪ I'd like to hold it in my arms ♪
♪ And keep it company ♪
CROWD: Gingers out! Gingers out!
♪ I'd like to see the world for ♪
♪ once All standing hand in hand ♪