The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Goat's cheese, me. No contest.
You've not even
looked at the others.
Deep-fried prawns
with sweet chilli.
Agh!
Oh, it's the wine list.
- How about a nice Rioja?
- Ooh, yeah.
You've been to
Cornwall, haven't you?
Yes, we went to Tintagel Castle.
It was lovely.
- We went this weekend. It's a long drive.
- Yeah.
190 miles!
- Really?
- Door to door.
AA said it would take
four and a half hours.
Did they?
It's single lane most of the way.
The A39.
Caravans. Stonehenge
rubberneckers.
- Four and a half hours. About right.
- I would think so.
Guess how long it took me.
Oh.
How long did it take
me to get to Cornwall?
Urn…
Four and a half hours.
That's the AA talking.
- How long did it take me?
- Look, I really need to…
Have a guess. 190 miles.
- Er, well…
- Come on.
- The A39 roadworks at Exeter. How long?
- I really don't know.
How long did it take me?
Have a guess.
- I don't even drive.
- Just guess.
- Two hours?
- Two hours?!
Two hours?!
- OK. I don't know.
- To Cornwall?
- Two and a half?
- I was in a car, not a jet.
- Three and a half hours.
- Do you know where Cornwall is?
- At the bottom.
- Four hours.
- Four hours?
- And ten minutes.
That's less than
they said at the AA.
Yes, it is (!)
It's 20 minutes less (!)
- Did you have a nice time?
- No, it was shit.
Elaine Wainwright is
34 and lives in York.
She recently travelled
over 4,000 miles
to marry a man she'd
never met before.
Jeremiah Wainwright III, a convicted
murderer and notorious cannibal
is currently on Death
Row awaiting execution.
Now back in York, Elaine has
been adapting to married life.
However, that is
about to change.
We've had a phone
call from Elaine.
After six false alarms,
this morning at 7 a.m.
Jerry is going to be administered with
the lethal infection that will kill him
for the crimes he has
committed against society.
How are you, Elaine?
It's been a bit of a rush. I had it all
planned the first time Jerry was leaving us,
but it's been called
off so many times,
I don't know whether he's
coming or going - literally.
But today's the day?
Yes. I checked his website
before I went to bed
as I always do, and
there's been an update.
It's definitely happening
at seven o'clock.
So we're minutes away.
Yeah. Not long now.
I've lit a candle
representing Jerry's life.
In a couple of minutes,
I shall put it out,
symbolising the shining light
that was Jeremiah Wainwright III
being extinguished by a society
that chose not to understand him.
(TANYA) Not understand why
he killed eight people?
Yes, I've just said that.
You've been a married
woman for five days,
in a few minutes,
you'll be a widow.
Yeah, it's been a
funny old week.
It's true to say being a married
woman has changed my life.
When I was at school,
I made a list of the
ten things I want
to do before I die.
Getting married was
at number one.
I've come a long way.
I've only got Disneyland to go.
It must feel strange. You've
been here so many times before.
Yeah, we have had a
few false starts.
When I heard it was
definitely going ahead,
I realised I'd run
out of candles.
I got these from the
shop on the corner.
They're very good. There's
not much they don't sell.
- (BEEPING)
- That's my one-minute warning.
I set the cooker timer. I didn't
want to unplug my alarm clock.
Jerry wouldn't want any fuss.
- Would you like us to stop filming?
- No, you're all right.
I'd like a moment of silence before I
blow the candle out, if that's OK.
(BEEPER CONTINUES)
(BEEPING)
It's all right. It will
go off in a minute.
(BEEPING)
Sorry, could one of you turn that off?
That's quite annoying.
If you just press
the red switch.
(BEEPING STOPS)
God bless, Jerry.
May all those who misunderstood
you and never gave you a chance
one day, somehow, see the
error of their ways.
Goodnight, angel.
D'you know, I've lived that
moment a thousand times.
Oh, my God! You saw
me blow that out.
That is a sign.
I think it…
Do you think the
injection didn't work?
He's a big lad.
I think it's one of
those magic candles.
Call it what you will,
that is a miracle.
No, they're candles you buy as a joke.
They don't blow out.
That's just silly, isn't it?
What use is that to anyone?
Sorry, could you just put that
under a tap for me, please?
(SHE SIGHS)
- How are you feeling, Elaine?
- Not too bad, actually.
It would be wrong to say
being a widow suits me,
but I do feel very
at one with myself.
I feel Jerry's at peace.
It's funny, because when I was
counting down the seconds,
I could actually feel it here.
It seems unusual to carry out
something like this at one o'clock.
- Was there a reason for that?
- One o'clock? I don't follow.
It's 7 a.m. here.
- With the time difference with Texas…
- They're ahead of us.
- They're six hours behind.
- They're behind?
Right. So…
Sorry, you've confused me now.
Is he dead or alive?
Well, if it was meant to be 7 a.m.
their time, he's still alive.
7 a.m. their time will be 1 p.m.
our time today.
One o'clock this afternoon?
Oh, isn't it silly?!
I wonder if Jackie will
swap her shift with me?
I'm sure she will,
she's good like that.
Right…
Well, I might just snaffle
a few more hours' sleep.
I've been up since four.
Erm… are you still all
right for one o'clock?
Yes, that's fine.
All right. Well,
I'll see you then.
Have you got those candles? I
might just take them back.
- What did you do last night?
- We went bowling.
- It was a good laugh.
- Didn't you go to the gym?
- No.
- Oh.
- I don't go to the gym.
- I thought you did.
No, I don't.
Don't you feel better
after a bit of exercise?
- Do you mind if I finish this?
- A bit stiff this morning, though.
I didn't have time for
a good warm down.
You know what it's
like after a run.
- I bet.
- You need a good warm down.
It's really important for the muscles.
Yeah, recovery rates.
James was saying.
You know how pushy
personal trainers can be.
You've got a personal trainer?
Yeah! He's making
all the difference.
Really spurring me on.
All that running.
- I bet.
- Guess how far I ran last night.
How far did I run last night?
I have no idea.
Anything's good, isn't it?
I don't think so. Have a guess.
- I really don't know.
- Think like an athlete. Just guess.
- I wouldn't have a clue.
- Doesn't even matter. Just have a guess.
- I can't.
- You'll be amazed. Have a guess.
- I'm not good at this.
- Come on. Guess.
50 miles.
50 miles?!
50 miles?! I said run not drive!
30 miles.
30 miles in one go?
Do I look Ethiopian?
Five. Five miles.
- Have you ever met me?
- Two.
- Eight…
- Wow!
Hundred metres.
- Well, that's still good.
- Yes (!)
It is (!)
Further than you'll ever run,
you knock-kneed old trollop.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Come in.
- (KNOCKING)
- Come in!
- (KNOCKING)
- Bernie, come in!
Sorry, did you say come in?
Yes, Bernie. Come in, sit down.
I'm sorry I'm late, Sister,
but I went out for a
curry with the lads last
night and it turned into
a bit of a late one.
You've had two written
warnings this month.
Can I take me coat off? I'm
sweating beef madras in here.
- Are you eating?
- I am. Sorry. You must think I'm so rude.
- Would you like a rhubarb and custard?
- No, thank you.
I'd appreciate it if you
didn't eat in this office.
I think you'd benefit from
an unofficial assessment.
Just answer the questions
as best you can.
Did you have a nice weekend?
How often do you
change your uniform?
- How often do I change my uniform?
- It's a simple question.
I sometimes put tinsel
in me hat at Christmas,
but besides that, I don't
really think it's up to me.
What is the difference
between a rectal reading
and an oral reading on
a digital thermometer?
It's, er… Well, it's, er…
About two feet.
You might want to
give it a wipe with a
damp cloth before you
do the second one.
The answer is one degree.
On your morning round, you
found a patient who's died.
What do you do?
In fairness, I haven't
started my shift yet.
Whoever it is, I don't
think you can blame me.
The question is hypothetical.
I do understand what
this is all about,
and I just want to say I didn't
kill him, I swear to you.
- Didn't kill who?
- Mr Thompson.
What makes you say that? Mr
Thompson died over a week ago.
If I thought a night out would finish
him off, I never would have taken him.
Taken him where?
Mr Thompson was a great
one for the crack.
I promised him, if
he felt up to it,
I'd take him out for his
birthday - my treat.
You took an 81-year-old critically
ill patient on a night out?
A night out where?
- "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
- Where?
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
Please tell me it's not true.
Well, it's about a flying
car, so I'd say probably not.
You do know this "treat"
may have contributed
to the heart attack that
killed Mr Thompson?
Yes.
I have no alternative but to
send you home immediately.
That's really sweet of you, but
it was over a week ago now.
I think I'm over
the worst of it.
Would you please
leave my office!
It was a present.
- Did you go out with Ryan last night?
- He blew me out. Can you believe that?
He was like "Don't give me grief,"
and I was like "Stop vexing me, then."
That is so dry. That
boy's taking liberties.
He must think I'm like some sort
of lackey waiting around for him.
- He needs to be told, man.
- He's coming. Shut up, shut up.
- All right?
- All right.
- I don't think we should go out no more.
- Fine. Whatever.
- Got that CD for me, Lise?
- I should concentrate on football.
Am I bothered? I don't care
'cause I'm not bothered.
- I'm just busy. We can still have a laugh.
- No, we can't 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Does my face look bothered?
- You can still…
Is my face bothered? Is it bothered?
Bothered? Do I look bothered, though?
- No, you don't.
- I'm not.
- Just forget it, right?
- I will and don't tell me what to do.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
He is so lame. That was
such a rank thing to do.
- Shut up, right?
- You shouldn't let him…
Shut up. Why don't you shut up, though?
I asked you to shut up.
Shut up, though. Why don't you shut up?
Did I ask you to shut up?
You should shut up. I asked you
to shut up. Have you shut up yet?
Yeah.
- I was just thinking…
- I ain't bothered!
Can you call me back on the landline?
I don't like speaking on the mobile.
Yes, I'm at the office.
I'm at my desk now.
Right.
Oh, come on!
- (TELEPHONE RINGS)
- Agh!
Hello, Margaret speaking.
- Hiya, Geoff. Sorry I'm late.
- It's not a problem, Bunty. Take a seat.
- I'm just going to get a pint.
- Take a seat. This won't take long.
- I really would love a pint.
- Just let me say what I'm gonna say,
then you can have as
many pints as you like.
- How was your holiday?
- Fine, thank you.
It was spoilt when I
got back and heard
you'd been up to your
old tricks again.
Can I have a sip of your pint?
I made it quite clear your time
with the Doncaster Spinners was up.
Your leaving was well overdue.
I go on holiday. I think,
"That'll be that," but
oh, no, when I get back,
I'm greeted with this.
- What's that?
- This is last Thursday's "Echo".
"There were dramatic scenes yesterday
outside St Mary's junior School,"
"the rehearsal venue of majorette
display team the Doncaster Spinners,"
"when Bunty Carmichael,
32, held a one-woman
protest at her expulsion
from the group."
"Bunty, a majorette
since she was six,"
"chained herself to the school gates and
sang Bon Jovi's 'Living on a Prayer'…"
"repeatedly until she was let into
the Wednesday night rehearsal."
"Group organiser Geoff
Bird, on holiday
in Benidorm, was
unavailable for comment."
- Who told 'em I was 32?
- When are you gonna get it into your head?
I'm 31!
We can't have you marching
with a team of ten-year-olds.
You look ridiculous!
I look ridiculous?!
Gemma dropped her baton three times
during the "Star Wars" medley!
Who looked ridiculous then?
You shouldn't have
been involved in that.
You wait till I'm abroad then
you worm your way back in.
The Spinners need me, Geoff.
The Spinners need you
to leave them alone.
According to the rules,
the minimum age for a Doncaster
Spinner is six years old.
You tell me where it says
there's an upper age limit.
There isn't one.
Up until now, we've been
relying on self-respect.
Oh, I see.
So I'm being penalised 'cause
I've got the will to survive?
All you've got is the will
to be a bloody nuisance.
Eye of the tiger, Geoff.
I've got the eye of the tiger.
Have you? I'm very
pleased for you.
As well as the eye of the
tiger, you've also got that.
What's that?
A restraining order
preventing you from
going anywhere near the
Doncaster Spinners
whether it be in rehearsal
or performance.
I'm sorry, Bunty, love, but
you really left us no option.
I've been with the Doncaster
Spinners for 25 years.
That's nearly a
quarter of me life.
Don't let it end
like this, Geoff.
Remember when me mam
couldn't afford to let
me go on that trip to
France when I was 14?
You told me the Spinners had
a whip-round to pay for me.
I know it was you, Geoff.
I know it was you who
paid for me to go.
Bunty, don't do this.
You believed in me then.
Why don't you believe in me now?
It's not that I don't believe
in you, love, it's just that…
it's time to move on.
Let me come with you to Leeds,
and then I'll leave. I promise.
I'm sorry, love, I can't.
Do you remember what
you used to say
when I first joined
the Spinners?
I used to say, "Mr Bird,
I can't spin me baton"
and march at the same time."
Do you remember what
you used to say to me?
"There's no such
thing as can't."
If you feel you can give
me one more chance,
I'll be waiting at the
top of me street for
the minibus, nine o'clock
on Friday morning.
If you've not turned
up by quarter-past,
well, I'll know you can't.
♪ Do you really want to hurt me?
♪ Do you really want
to make me cry?
♪ Precious kisses,
words that burn me
♪ lovers never ask you why… ♪
Happy anniversary, darling!
We said we weren't doing presents.
You are naughty!
- Opening the champagne now, darling.
- OK.
- Doing it right now.
- Yes, I heard you. That's fine.
- Cork's coming out now.
- Michael, honestly!
(POP!)
Agh!
Guess what I'm thinking.
One-thirty.
Yeah.
Freak.
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Is that you, darling?
- Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
- You all right?
- Come up and see me?
You come up and
see me, ain't ya?
Yeah, I noticed that. Did
you get me shoe polish?
Couldn't get it, could ya? I said
you wouldn't be able to get it.
I knew they wouldn't have it.
Couldn't get it, could you?
Oh! Did you get it?
Oh, you did get it, did ya?
I said you wouldn't get it, but you got it.
Look at that!
They did have it, did they?
Oh, you did get it.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
- I do me best.
It's the wrong one.
I knew you wouldn't get it!
Nan, that's the one
you always have.
- I see your sister today.
- Did you?
- She's had the baby.
- I know.
- She's had the baby.
- I know.
- Oh! A little girl.
- I know.
- She come and see me.
- Did she?
Oh! You seen it?
She's come up 'ere.
It's only a little
dinky thing like that.
No bigger than that.
She's let me hold her.
You seen it?
- Have you seen it?
- Yeah.
Ain't it ugly?
- Nan!
- Oh, come on!
I ain't never seen
such an ugly child.
It's frightened the
fucking life out of me!
And ain't it hairy?
Oh, I ain't never seen a child
with so much hair on it.
It's like a big hairy
elf looking up at you.
I nearly had a bilious
attack looking at it.
- They're calling it some funny name.
- No, they're not.
- It's some funny name.
- Francesca.
They're calling it Tesco's.
- They're calling her Francesca.
- They're calling the poor child Tesco's.
I said, "Don't call it
Tesco's whatever you do."
"It'll have enough fucking
problems looking like that."
It's got a funny-shaped
head an' all.
Come on. It was a forceps birth.
It was very traumatic for them.
I should think it was
traumatic when that came out.
I'd have run a mile if
that had been mine.
And it's got a wonky
eye, ain't it?
It's got a wonky eye, the child.
Mind you, it gets that from
that ugly get of a father.
He's got that, ain't he?
One eye looking at you, the
other one looking for you.
That's wrong, that is.
The pair of them together, they'll look
like they came off "Fraggle Rock".
Don't you say things like that.
No, no.
Not up my house, no, no. She's a
very good girl to me, she is.
She looks after me, your sister.
I said to her, "Take this tenner, go
and buy yourself a pair of tights."
She said, "I'm all right, Nan.
I don't want your money."
I said, "Take it." She
said, "I don't want it."
I said, "Take the money. You'd
bleed me dry if you could."
"Now take that ten-pound note,
buy that child a bonnet,"
"and tie it over
its fucking face!"
(LAUGHING)
Nan…
She said, "You're wicked, you are. You're
a nuisance. We'll put you in a home."
No, you don't!
Wouldn't you like it, eh?
Oh, what?
Up there, with all
the old girls,
playing ping-pong,
Sing-along Max Bygraves,
sitting in your own shit!
Not me, love. You ain't
slinging me up the nut house!
I shall have champagne with me
winkles, thank you very much,
and I don't like
crumble neither.
Ain't eating it. No, no. Filth!
Take it away. I don't
want it, and that's it.
In fact, you can take the crumble,
take the old girls, take Max Bygraves,
take your sister, take the
fella with the wonky eye,
take the fucking lot of you, shove 'em
up your arse and piss off out of it!
(CACKLING LAUGH)
You've got to stop this. You can't
keep talking about people like that.
It's not funny.
Ooh! "It's not funny" (!)
- (LAUGHS)
- Seriously. Stop it.
Oh, fucking chill out!
Nan, why are you like this?
(DRAMATIC PIANO INTRO)
♪ I…
♪ Am what I am
♪ I am my own special creation
♪ Oh… come take a look
♪ Give me the hook
♪ Or the ovation
♪ It's my world
♪ That I want to have
a little pride in
♪ My world
♪ And it's not a place
I have to hide in
♪ Your life, it's
not worth a damn
♪ Till you can say
♪ I am what… I am
♪ Here I go
♪ I am what I am
♪ I don't want praise
♪ Come on! I don't want pity
♪ Here we go!
♪ I'll bang me own drum
♪ Some think it's nice
♪ And think it's pretty
♪ And so what if I love each
sparkle and each spangle
♪ Why not
♪ Try to see things
from a different angle
♪ Your life is a sham
♪ Till you can shout out
♪ I am what…
♪ I am! ♪
(CACKLING LAUGH)
Nan, sit down!
Fuck off!
- Thank you.
Goat's cheese, me. No contest.
You've not even
looked at the others.
Deep-fried prawns
with sweet chilli.
Agh!
Oh, it's the wine list.
- How about a nice Rioja?
- Ooh, yeah.
You've been to
Cornwall, haven't you?
Yes, we went to Tintagel Castle.
It was lovely.
- We went this weekend. It's a long drive.
- Yeah.
190 miles!
- Really?
- Door to door.
AA said it would take
four and a half hours.
Did they?
It's single lane most of the way.
The A39.
Caravans. Stonehenge
rubberneckers.
- Four and a half hours. About right.
- I would think so.
Guess how long it took me.
Oh.
How long did it take
me to get to Cornwall?
Urn…
Four and a half hours.
That's the AA talking.
- How long did it take me?
- Look, I really need to…
Have a guess. 190 miles.
- Er, well…
- Come on.
- The A39 roadworks at Exeter. How long?
- I really don't know.
How long did it take me?
Have a guess.
- I don't even drive.
- Just guess.
- Two hours?
- Two hours?!
Two hours?!
- OK. I don't know.
- To Cornwall?
- Two and a half?
- I was in a car, not a jet.
- Three and a half hours.
- Do you know where Cornwall is?
- At the bottom.
- Four hours.
- Four hours?
- And ten minutes.
That's less than
they said at the AA.
Yes, it is (!)
It's 20 minutes less (!)
- Did you have a nice time?
- No, it was shit.
Elaine Wainwright is
34 and lives in York.
She recently travelled
over 4,000 miles
to marry a man she'd
never met before.
Jeremiah Wainwright III, a convicted
murderer and notorious cannibal
is currently on Death
Row awaiting execution.
Now back in York, Elaine has
been adapting to married life.
However, that is
about to change.
We've had a phone
call from Elaine.
After six false alarms,
this morning at 7 a.m.
Jerry is going to be administered with
the lethal infection that will kill him
for the crimes he has
committed against society.
How are you, Elaine?
It's been a bit of a rush. I had it all
planned the first time Jerry was leaving us,
but it's been called
off so many times,
I don't know whether he's
coming or going - literally.
But today's the day?
Yes. I checked his website
before I went to bed
as I always do, and
there's been an update.
It's definitely happening
at seven o'clock.
So we're minutes away.
Yeah. Not long now.
I've lit a candle
representing Jerry's life.
In a couple of minutes,
I shall put it out,
symbolising the shining light
that was Jeremiah Wainwright III
being extinguished by a society
that chose not to understand him.
(TANYA) Not understand why
he killed eight people?
Yes, I've just said that.
You've been a married
woman for five days,
in a few minutes,
you'll be a widow.
Yeah, it's been a
funny old week.
It's true to say being a married
woman has changed my life.
When I was at school,
I made a list of the
ten things I want
to do before I die.
Getting married was
at number one.
I've come a long way.
I've only got Disneyland to go.
It must feel strange. You've
been here so many times before.
Yeah, we have had a
few false starts.
When I heard it was
definitely going ahead,
I realised I'd run
out of candles.
I got these from the
shop on the corner.
They're very good. There's
not much they don't sell.
- (BEEPING)
- That's my one-minute warning.
I set the cooker timer. I didn't
want to unplug my alarm clock.
Jerry wouldn't want any fuss.
- Would you like us to stop filming?
- No, you're all right.
I'd like a moment of silence before I
blow the candle out, if that's OK.
(BEEPER CONTINUES)
(BEEPING)
It's all right. It will
go off in a minute.
(BEEPING)
Sorry, could one of you turn that off?
That's quite annoying.
If you just press
the red switch.
(BEEPING STOPS)
God bless, Jerry.
May all those who misunderstood
you and never gave you a chance
one day, somehow, see the
error of their ways.
Goodnight, angel.
D'you know, I've lived that
moment a thousand times.
Oh, my God! You saw
me blow that out.
That is a sign.
I think it…
Do you think the
injection didn't work?
He's a big lad.
I think it's one of
those magic candles.
Call it what you will,
that is a miracle.
No, they're candles you buy as a joke.
They don't blow out.
That's just silly, isn't it?
What use is that to anyone?
Sorry, could you just put that
under a tap for me, please?
(SHE SIGHS)
- How are you feeling, Elaine?
- Not too bad, actually.
It would be wrong to say
being a widow suits me,
but I do feel very
at one with myself.
I feel Jerry's at peace.
It's funny, because when I was
counting down the seconds,
I could actually feel it here.
It seems unusual to carry out
something like this at one o'clock.
- Was there a reason for that?
- One o'clock? I don't follow.
It's 7 a.m. here.
- With the time difference with Texas…
- They're ahead of us.
- They're six hours behind.
- They're behind?
Right. So…
Sorry, you've confused me now.
Is he dead or alive?
Well, if it was meant to be 7 a.m.
their time, he's still alive.
7 a.m. their time will be 1 p.m.
our time today.
One o'clock this afternoon?
Oh, isn't it silly?!
I wonder if Jackie will
swap her shift with me?
I'm sure she will,
she's good like that.
Right…
Well, I might just snaffle
a few more hours' sleep.
I've been up since four.
Erm… are you still all
right for one o'clock?
Yes, that's fine.
All right. Well,
I'll see you then.
Have you got those candles? I
might just take them back.
- What did you do last night?
- We went bowling.
- It was a good laugh.
- Didn't you go to the gym?
- No.
- Oh.
- I don't go to the gym.
- I thought you did.
No, I don't.
Don't you feel better
after a bit of exercise?
- Do you mind if I finish this?
- A bit stiff this morning, though.
I didn't have time for
a good warm down.
You know what it's
like after a run.
- I bet.
- You need a good warm down.
It's really important for the muscles.
Yeah, recovery rates.
James was saying.
You know how pushy
personal trainers can be.
You've got a personal trainer?
Yeah! He's making
all the difference.
Really spurring me on.
All that running.
- I bet.
- Guess how far I ran last night.
How far did I run last night?
I have no idea.
Anything's good, isn't it?
I don't think so. Have a guess.
- I really don't know.
- Think like an athlete. Just guess.
- I wouldn't have a clue.
- Doesn't even matter. Just have a guess.
- I can't.
- You'll be amazed. Have a guess.
- I'm not good at this.
- Come on. Guess.
50 miles.
50 miles?!
50 miles?! I said run not drive!
30 miles.
30 miles in one go?
Do I look Ethiopian?
Five. Five miles.
- Have you ever met me?
- Two.
- Eight…
- Wow!
Hundred metres.
- Well, that's still good.
- Yes (!)
It is (!)
Further than you'll ever run,
you knock-kneed old trollop.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Come in.
- (KNOCKING)
- Come in!
- (KNOCKING)
- Bernie, come in!
Sorry, did you say come in?
Yes, Bernie. Come in, sit down.
I'm sorry I'm late, Sister,
but I went out for a
curry with the lads last
night and it turned into
a bit of a late one.
You've had two written
warnings this month.
Can I take me coat off? I'm
sweating beef madras in here.
- Are you eating?
- I am. Sorry. You must think I'm so rude.
- Would you like a rhubarb and custard?
- No, thank you.
I'd appreciate it if you
didn't eat in this office.
I think you'd benefit from
an unofficial assessment.
Just answer the questions
as best you can.
Did you have a nice weekend?
How often do you
change your uniform?
- How often do I change my uniform?
- It's a simple question.
I sometimes put tinsel
in me hat at Christmas,
but besides that, I don't
really think it's up to me.
What is the difference
between a rectal reading
and an oral reading on
a digital thermometer?
It's, er… Well, it's, er…
About two feet.
You might want to
give it a wipe with a
damp cloth before you
do the second one.
The answer is one degree.
On your morning round, you
found a patient who's died.
What do you do?
In fairness, I haven't
started my shift yet.
Whoever it is, I don't
think you can blame me.
The question is hypothetical.
I do understand what
this is all about,
and I just want to say I didn't
kill him, I swear to you.
- Didn't kill who?
- Mr Thompson.
What makes you say that? Mr
Thompson died over a week ago.
If I thought a night out would finish
him off, I never would have taken him.
Taken him where?
Mr Thompson was a great
one for the crack.
I promised him, if
he felt up to it,
I'd take him out for his
birthday - my treat.
You took an 81-year-old critically
ill patient on a night out?
A night out where?
- "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
- Where?
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang."
Please tell me it's not true.
Well, it's about a flying
car, so I'd say probably not.
You do know this "treat"
may have contributed
to the heart attack that
killed Mr Thompson?
Yes.
I have no alternative but to
send you home immediately.
That's really sweet of you, but
it was over a week ago now.
I think I'm over
the worst of it.
Would you please
leave my office!
It was a present.
- Did you go out with Ryan last night?
- He blew me out. Can you believe that?
He was like "Don't give me grief,"
and I was like "Stop vexing me, then."
That is so dry. That
boy's taking liberties.
He must think I'm like some sort
of lackey waiting around for him.
- He needs to be told, man.
- He's coming. Shut up, shut up.
- All right?
- All right.
- I don't think we should go out no more.
- Fine. Whatever.
- Got that CD for me, Lise?
- I should concentrate on football.
Am I bothered? I don't care
'cause I'm not bothered.
- I'm just busy. We can still have a laugh.
- No, we can't 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Does my face look bothered?
- You can still…
Is my face bothered? Is it bothered?
Bothered? Do I look bothered, though?
- No, you don't.
- I'm not.
- Just forget it, right?
- I will and don't tell me what to do.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
He is so lame. That was
such a rank thing to do.
- Shut up, right?
- You shouldn't let him…
Shut up. Why don't you shut up, though?
I asked you to shut up.
Shut up, though. Why don't you shut up?
Did I ask you to shut up?
You should shut up. I asked you
to shut up. Have you shut up yet?
Yeah.
- I was just thinking…
- I ain't bothered!
Can you call me back on the landline?
I don't like speaking on the mobile.
Yes, I'm at the office.
I'm at my desk now.
Right.
Oh, come on!
- (TELEPHONE RINGS)
- Agh!
Hello, Margaret speaking.
- Hiya, Geoff. Sorry I'm late.
- It's not a problem, Bunty. Take a seat.
- I'm just going to get a pint.
- Take a seat. This won't take long.
- I really would love a pint.
- Just let me say what I'm gonna say,
then you can have as
many pints as you like.
- How was your holiday?
- Fine, thank you.
It was spoilt when I
got back and heard
you'd been up to your
old tricks again.
Can I have a sip of your pint?
I made it quite clear your time
with the Doncaster Spinners was up.
Your leaving was well overdue.
I go on holiday. I think,
"That'll be that," but
oh, no, when I get back,
I'm greeted with this.
- What's that?
- This is last Thursday's "Echo".
"There were dramatic scenes yesterday
outside St Mary's junior School,"
"the rehearsal venue of majorette
display team the Doncaster Spinners,"
"when Bunty Carmichael,
32, held a one-woman
protest at her expulsion
from the group."
"Bunty, a majorette
since she was six,"
"chained herself to the school gates and
sang Bon Jovi's 'Living on a Prayer'…"
"repeatedly until she was let into
the Wednesday night rehearsal."
"Group organiser Geoff
Bird, on holiday
in Benidorm, was
unavailable for comment."
- Who told 'em I was 32?
- When are you gonna get it into your head?
I'm 31!
We can't have you marching
with a team of ten-year-olds.
You look ridiculous!
I look ridiculous?!
Gemma dropped her baton three times
during the "Star Wars" medley!
Who looked ridiculous then?
You shouldn't have
been involved in that.
You wait till I'm abroad then
you worm your way back in.
The Spinners need me, Geoff.
The Spinners need you
to leave them alone.
According to the rules,
the minimum age for a Doncaster
Spinner is six years old.
You tell me where it says
there's an upper age limit.
There isn't one.
Up until now, we've been
relying on self-respect.
Oh, I see.
So I'm being penalised 'cause
I've got the will to survive?
All you've got is the will
to be a bloody nuisance.
Eye of the tiger, Geoff.
I've got the eye of the tiger.
Have you? I'm very
pleased for you.
As well as the eye of the
tiger, you've also got that.
What's that?
A restraining order
preventing you from
going anywhere near the
Doncaster Spinners
whether it be in rehearsal
or performance.
I'm sorry, Bunty, love, but
you really left us no option.
I've been with the Doncaster
Spinners for 25 years.
That's nearly a
quarter of me life.
Don't let it end
like this, Geoff.
Remember when me mam
couldn't afford to let
me go on that trip to
France when I was 14?
You told me the Spinners had
a whip-round to pay for me.
I know it was you, Geoff.
I know it was you who
paid for me to go.
Bunty, don't do this.
You believed in me then.
Why don't you believe in me now?
It's not that I don't believe
in you, love, it's just that…
it's time to move on.
Let me come with you to Leeds,
and then I'll leave. I promise.
I'm sorry, love, I can't.
Do you remember what
you used to say
when I first joined
the Spinners?
I used to say, "Mr Bird,
I can't spin me baton"
and march at the same time."
Do you remember what
you used to say to me?
"There's no such
thing as can't."
If you feel you can give
me one more chance,
I'll be waiting at the
top of me street for
the minibus, nine o'clock
on Friday morning.
If you've not turned
up by quarter-past,
well, I'll know you can't.
♪ Do you really want to hurt me?
♪ Do you really want
to make me cry?
♪ Precious kisses,
words that burn me
♪ lovers never ask you why… ♪
Happy anniversary, darling!
We said we weren't doing presents.
You are naughty!
- Opening the champagne now, darling.
- OK.
- Doing it right now.
- Yes, I heard you. That's fine.
- Cork's coming out now.
- Michael, honestly!
(POP!)
Agh!
Guess what I'm thinking.
One-thirty.
Yeah.
Freak.
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Is that you, darling?
- Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
- You all right?
- Come up and see me?
You come up and
see me, ain't ya?
Yeah, I noticed that. Did
you get me shoe polish?
Couldn't get it, could ya? I said
you wouldn't be able to get it.
I knew they wouldn't have it.
Couldn't get it, could you?
Oh! Did you get it?
Oh, you did get it, did ya?
I said you wouldn't get it, but you got it.
Look at that!
They did have it, did they?
Oh, you did get it.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
- I do me best.
It's the wrong one.
I knew you wouldn't get it!
Nan, that's the one
you always have.
- I see your sister today.
- Did you?
- She's had the baby.
- I know.
- She's had the baby.
- I know.
- Oh! A little girl.
- I know.
- She come and see me.
- Did she?
Oh! You seen it?
She's come up 'ere.
It's only a little
dinky thing like that.
No bigger than that.
She's let me hold her.
You seen it?
- Have you seen it?
- Yeah.
Ain't it ugly?
- Nan!
- Oh, come on!
I ain't never seen
such an ugly child.
It's frightened the
fucking life out of me!
And ain't it hairy?
Oh, I ain't never seen a child
with so much hair on it.
It's like a big hairy
elf looking up at you.
I nearly had a bilious
attack looking at it.
- They're calling it some funny name.
- No, they're not.
- It's some funny name.
- Francesca.
They're calling it Tesco's.
- They're calling her Francesca.
- They're calling the poor child Tesco's.
I said, "Don't call it
Tesco's whatever you do."
"It'll have enough fucking
problems looking like that."
It's got a funny-shaped
head an' all.
Come on. It was a forceps birth.
It was very traumatic for them.
I should think it was
traumatic when that came out.
I'd have run a mile if
that had been mine.
And it's got a wonky
eye, ain't it?
It's got a wonky eye, the child.
Mind you, it gets that from
that ugly get of a father.
He's got that, ain't he?
One eye looking at you, the
other one looking for you.
That's wrong, that is.
The pair of them together, they'll look
like they came off "Fraggle Rock".
Don't you say things like that.
No, no.
Not up my house, no, no. She's a
very good girl to me, she is.
She looks after me, your sister.
I said to her, "Take this tenner, go
and buy yourself a pair of tights."
She said, "I'm all right, Nan.
I don't want your money."
I said, "Take it." She
said, "I don't want it."
I said, "Take the money. You'd
bleed me dry if you could."
"Now take that ten-pound note,
buy that child a bonnet,"
"and tie it over
its fucking face!"
(LAUGHING)
Nan…
She said, "You're wicked, you are. You're
a nuisance. We'll put you in a home."
No, you don't!
Wouldn't you like it, eh?
Oh, what?
Up there, with all
the old girls,
playing ping-pong,
Sing-along Max Bygraves,
sitting in your own shit!
Not me, love. You ain't
slinging me up the nut house!
I shall have champagne with me
winkles, thank you very much,
and I don't like
crumble neither.
Ain't eating it. No, no. Filth!
Take it away. I don't
want it, and that's it.
In fact, you can take the crumble,
take the old girls, take Max Bygraves,
take your sister, take the
fella with the wonky eye,
take the fucking lot of you, shove 'em
up your arse and piss off out of it!
(CACKLING LAUGH)
You've got to stop this. You can't
keep talking about people like that.
It's not funny.
Ooh! "It's not funny" (!)
- (LAUGHS)
- Seriously. Stop it.
Oh, fucking chill out!
Nan, why are you like this?
(DRAMATIC PIANO INTRO)
♪ I…
♪ Am what I am
♪ I am my own special creation
♪ Oh… come take a look
♪ Give me the hook
♪ Or the ovation
♪ It's my world
♪ That I want to have
a little pride in
♪ My world
♪ And it's not a place
I have to hide in
♪ Your life, it's
not worth a damn
♪ Till you can say
♪ I am what… I am
♪ Here I go
♪ I am what I am
♪ I don't want praise
♪ Come on! I don't want pity
♪ Here we go!
♪ I'll bang me own drum
♪ Some think it's nice
♪ And think it's pretty
♪ And so what if I love each
sparkle and each spangle
♪ Why not
♪ Try to see things
from a different angle
♪ Your life is a sham
♪ Till you can shout out
♪ I am what…
♪ I am! ♪
(CACKLING LAUGH)
Nan, sit down!
Fuck off!