The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
I think that just
about brings us up to
date with the Woods
and Payne contract.
Sandra, do you have
anything to add?
Not really. I'm meeting
Alistair Payne now, so
I'll pass on any further
information I get.
Of course, without your
initial lead, we wouldn't
be with Woods and Payne
in the first place.
Well, now that we've got
them, let's keep them.
Absolutely.
Last hit.
Thomas, did you want a Coca-Cola?
Do you want a Coca-Cola?
Let me know before I
close the cooler door.
Um…
It's too late. You'll have
to get it on your own.
- Chloe, do you want one?
- No, thanks.
Right. Darling, what
did Mummy tell you?
Not with a metal spoon.
You'll bruise the dough.
But it's only panini, Mummy.
Let's do it properly. Are you
putting olives in yours?
Yes.
That's fine but there's
only one olive fork.
Chloe's using it right now.
Actually, I'm still waiting
for my olives to temper.
(TRILLING PHONE)
Hello.
Hello, Jacques.
We're fine. How are you?
Yah. Yah. No, I don't want to sit down.
just tell me what's happened.
Right. Right.
Um…
Listen, Jacques, I'll
have to call you back.
Yes, they're here with me now.
They'll be fine.
Yes, thank you, I'm fine.
I'll get back to you this afternoon.
And, Jacques…
Thank you. I know this
wasn't an easy call to make.
Thomas… Chloe… I've got
something to tell you.
You know Daddy left for
Paris this morning?
That was Jacques,
Daddy's European P.A.
I've got bad news.
Daddy hasn't been able to
find any good Brie this trip.
But, Mummy, it's the
school picnic tomorrow!
I know, Thomas.
Thomas, I know.
- Has he tried I. Bon Marché?
- He'll have tried there first.
We have some Wensleydale left
over from Ginny's christening.
It's a Parisian picnic. Do you
want people to laugh at you?
- No.
- No, of course not. Come on. Think!
Roquefort eats well
with some good bread.
That's good. Pass
Mummy the phone book.
Quick sticks! Thomas, get me two
Nurofen and a glass of Pellegrino.
I'm getting one of my heads.
We certainly have enough here.
I need the data results
by Friday afternoon.
I trust you can do that?
Why don't we say 10
o'clock Friday morning?
No point in waiting till
Saturday to start the weekend.
Friday morning it is. You have
my numbers if you need me.
Last hit!
What we'll do now is have a short
informal test as per clown key stage two.
I'll be working with you one on
one, starting with, er… Jill.
Thanks.
Let's begin with a little test of
the basics from the first term.
It's just such a relief
to feel normal again!
OK. So let's push on and look at some
of the skills you've learnt so far.
- Do you remember the clown's walk?
- Yes.
Let's try that.
Good. And into the trip.
- Whoops!
- Excellent, Jill.
This is how they
found me, you know.
Slouched over the
steering wheel like this.
OK, Jill. What do we do
when we've done a trick?
How do we present ourselves?
- Yes, that's right.
- Yeah?
- Good. Give us some jazz hands, Jill.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, God!
- What's the matter?
It's the whiplash.
Don't worry. Just try and keep
your mind on the task in hand.
Now surprise yourself
by squeezing the horn.
I love this trick!
Let's see that, then.
(PARP! PARP!) Ooh!
(PARP!) Ooh!
If he'd had this, I
might have heard him.
Right. How about uniform?
- How's your wig?
- It's great.
It's big, it's curly,
it's very bright.
If he'd been wearing one of
these, I might have seen him.
What about your squirty flower?
I've been practising this.
Ooh! Gosh!
They're still there.
A bit withered, but…
What are?
The flowers tied to a tree.
OK. One last thing. Do you
remember the bucket trick?
Yes. That's my favourite!
Let's see that.
Good.
Good.
Oh! Excellent, Jill!
- Very funny.
- Oh, God!
- What now?
- It looks like shattered windscreen.
Sorry. Hello. Erm… I just wondered,
have you seen that at all? It's quite…
Last hit!
- Are you still hanging around here?
- Yeah.
You're never out of
this hospital, are you?
Not at the moment, no.
You was here all last
week, weren't you?
My mum's very ill, so I'm here
quite a lot at the moment.
- It's a worry, isn't it?
- Yeah.
I just had a few days off meself,
and by Christ I needed it!
It's difficult trying to
fill your time, though.
I watched "Ready Steady Cook"
for a few tips and I got one…
Don't watch it, it's shite!
Mind you, there was this great
hunk of a lad doing the cooking.
James something or other, his name was.
Cockney lad, I think.
I thought to myself, "By
Christ, I'd like to"
"baste his turkey for
him!" Know what I mean?
He reminded me of
Gerald - my Gerald.
He could cook. My
God, he could cook.
Pies, cakes, pastries, anything.
He'd just whip it up. Just whip it
right up, you know what I mean?
I shouldn't have
let him get away.
It's a bit tricky when they
leave you for a man, though.
- Do you go out much at all?
- Er… not recently, no.
I went out last night. I went out
with the girls. Karaoke. Great crack.
They all wanted a song so
I did me Bonnie Tyler,
'cause I'm holding out for a
hero as well, know what I mean?
God, I was ripe for it last night.
You could have just taken me.
I had all me Pamela
Anderson gear on.
Getting loads of male
attention as usual.
The girls all said to me, "God
Almighty, cover yourself up."
"You're fat and obnoxious
and you make us feel sick."
Yeah, sick with envy more like,
know what I mean? (SNORTS)
You should come out
with us tonight.
I get off at 7.30. You
could show me a good time.
- Have you any plans at all?
- No, I'm…
Well, then, that's set. Half-past
seven outside Casualty.
Come along for the ride.
The ride!
Er… no. I'm waiting for my mother to
come out of the operating theatre, so…
Oh, Jesus! I've a head like a sieve today.
It's bad news, I'm afraid.
Your mother passed
away ten minutes ago.
I'm very, very
sorry, Mr Wallace.
I'll send a nurse through and she'll
send you… she'll send you in.
- Wait, sorry… Wallace? My name's Willis.
- What? Your name's Willis?
- Not Wallace?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Willis, Willis…
Course, it'd kill 'em to put these
in alphabetical order, wouldn't it?
Oh, here you are.
No, yours is alive.
There you go. Close shave
there, wasn't it, eh?
Oh, no, hang on.
Hang on a minute.
- Willis. Is that with the I-S?
- Yeah.
Oh, God. She's dead, too…
I think.
Is that on the same line as that?
I don't know.
Oh, this is useless. Look,
we've got your number.
We'll ring you this afternoon.
Is that all right?
Don't forget what I said, though.
Half-past seven in Casualty.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Last hit!
No!
No!
Get off!
(SHE SCREAMS)
Last hit! Last hit!
Yeah, ambulance, please.
(MAN) Don't touch him till
the ambulance arrives.
Last hit!
Oh, you're here already.
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, I'm fine.
- A pint of Armstrong's?
- I don't think I'd keep it down, Geoff.
Best not, then.
So, how have you been?
How do you think I've been?
I won't keep you long.
As I said on the phone,
I've got a photocall
with the "Echo" at six.
Oh, yes. I've heard all
about your new majorette,
Melanie… what's-her-name.
Melanie Watkins.
I hear you've made
her captain already.
I get chucked out of the
Doncaster Spinners on a Monday,
and Melanie Watkins gets my majorette
captain title by the Friday.
My God, I bet she looks like
the cat that got the cream!
Bunty, she's nine.
Yeah. Does she realise
she'll be on the
majorette scrap heap
by the time she's 30?
We'll probably bring
it up nearer the time.
So, you asked me to come
here and here I am.
As usual, someone shouted "Shit!"
and I've jumped on the shovel.
I do appreciate your time.
If this is to talk me into teaching,
you're wasting your time.
This is nothing to do
with you teaching.
Good, because I haven't
got the time these days.
Since the Spinners dumped
me, I've not stopped.
I'm busy most nights, even
busier Saturday mornings.
- Yes, we know you are.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You've been seen.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Right. Saturday morning
marching practice,
you were seen watching
us from your car
wearing dark glasses, with
a blanket on your head.
At the NMA awards in Manchester,
you were seen on the front row
wearing a false nose
and a moustache.
Sunday morning, we were
a curtain raiser for
the rugby and somehow
you were a touch judge.
It's not fair what you're doing.
You're frightening the kids.
They're having nightmares.
I tried.
I tried to stay away, Geoff,
but I'm a majorette.
It's in me blood.
I know you are, and
you're a bloody good one,
but we can't have you
marching with ten-year-olds.
It looks like we've
had you on hormones.
I'm a Doncaster Spinner!
Do you know what it's like knowing
you'll never march ten abreast,
spinning a baton to "The Eye
of the Tiger" ever again?
Come on, Bunty. There's a
big wide world out there.
I mean, you're 31 years old.
Do you not want a family?
I had a family, Geoff.
I had a family.
And look what they did to me.
Well, I'll just get on with me life as
if the last 25 years never happened.
It can't be that difficult.
You're obviously doing it.
(MUSIC: ROCK GUITAR ANTHEM)
(DRAMATIC GUITAR)
You should be finishing up
now, so paints down, please.
Honker, let's have a
look at your little man.
- (HONKER) Mee-mee!
- Fantastic, Honker. Well done!
- Mee-mee!
- Cheer up, Boo. It's your turn.
Oh, Boo! Well done!
OK, Jill. Let's see
what you've got for us.
Here we go.
You should have been there.
- He's in very good hands. Don't worry.
- Excuse me, love.
- (GASPS) Last hit.
- Oh, no!
- No, no, please!
- Calm down. He'll be all right.
You don't understand! He's getting away.
Please. Move! Move!
- (SIREN WAILS)
- No…! Stop it!
(DIALS NUMBER)
Hi, Jane. It's Martin Webb. Can you put
me through to Mark Warriner, please?
Marky, you bastard! Martin Webb.
How goes it?
Oh, real good night. Got completely
hammered. Only had four hours' sleep.
I'm on the train now. I'm
gonna get me head down.
Catch a few zeds before you
bastards get your hands on me.
I thought you'd never ask. We, er… we won
Best Regional. Yeah, yeah, result, yeah.
I think I've still got a bit of blood
running through me alcohol vessels (!)
Well, free beer, weren't it?
Yeah, absolutely twatted.
Marky, are you on your own?
Yeah, listen… I
copped off as well.
Hey, shut it, gobshite! That's for
me to know and you to find out.
Yeah, yeah… Mental!
No, no, you go. I'm trying
to get me head down.
All right, mate. I'll
speak to you later.
Hey, Marky, we can… Oh.
Hi, Jane, it's Martin Webb. Can you
put me through to Richard Bolton?
Thank you, my darling. You're
a gentleman and a scholar.
It don't mean anything.
It just means thank you.
It's women like that that give you…
Dicky!
How goes it, you bastard? Martin Webb.
Oh, stormer, absolute stormer.
Yeah, we won two awards. Best
Regional and some other lot.
Probably shit, but I'll
take the glory, no probs.
I think the company card's
gone into meltdown.
We were on the old
champag-nee from seven.
Yeah, mental, yeah. Listen, I…
No, you're all right.
I've got to go as well.
I'm trying to get me
head down for a bit.
I'll ring you later if
I've still got a bit
of blood running through me alco…
Hello?
Signal!
♪ Re-redial when the
crowd say Bo Selecta! ♪
Hi, Jane, it's Martin Webb. Can you put
me through to Rob Mullett, please?
Chas Smith, then.
Kev Marv… Sorry, who
hasn't gone to lunch yet?
Richard who? Yeah, I
know who you mean.
He'll do, yeah. Thank you.
Ricardo, you fat bastard!
Martin Webb, how goes it?
Martin Webb.
Second floor. Do you
know Barry Cheeseman?
Exactly. I'm a big pal of his.
Can you get a message to
Perry Blenkinsop, please?
Can you tell him that
we won everything?
And can you ask him
not to ring me?
I'm trying to get me
head down for a…
Well, you can give him the mess…
Whoa, whoa, pal! Hang on!
Do you know who
you're talking to?
You're talking to a man
that spent yesterday
afternoon playing golf
with Ralph Harbin,
spent 200 quid on a new suit from
Oxford Street - that's in London,
slept with a prostitute…
Well, I didn't know
she was a prostitute.
I'd have probably spent that
amount of money on her anyway.
Have you got to go?
I've got to go first. Bye!
Yes!
(SIGHS)
Hiya. Are you all right?
What you doing?
Do you want anything from the thingy?
A sandwich or owt?
Listen, I might come and
sit in Smoking with you.
It's a bit dead in here.
All right. No, I've got me inhaler.
I'll be all right.
All right, Mam. I'll
see you in a minute.
Hey, Mam, this'll kill you…
I've got to go as well. All right.
See you later. Bye.
(JOLLY MUSIC)
OK.
Three… two… one… Stop twisting.
OK. Honker?
Mee-mee!
Hey hey!
OK, Boo.
Well done. Very good.
It's long, isn't it?
Like your face?
Jill, what have you got for us?
That's the fifth headless
body this month.
No fingerprints. Been
in the drink too long.
- There's obviously some psycho out there.
- Not necessarily.
The lady who did this may
be as sane as you or I.
Why do you think it's a lady?
Because statistically, there are
more ladies than chaps in London.
Logically, the perpetrator of these crimes
is more likely to be a lady than a chap.
It'll be a nightmare identifying the
bodies. No heads, no fingerprints.
I'd have thought that
would make it easier.
How's that, ma'am?
Think about it. How many people do you
know without heads or fingerprints?
Anyone like that would
stick out a mile.
But when they were alive, they would
have had heads and fingerprints.
The cause of death in these cases may
not necessarily be decapitation.
So…
You mean they were killed
before they were decapitated?
You know, technically, it is
possible to live without a head.
You know the phrase about
headless chickens running around.
They don't live for long.
They fall over after
a few seconds.
You couldn't live a normal life
as a chicken without a head.
I couldn't live a normal life
as a chicken without a head?
Don't be too sure.
No, not you, ma'am, a chicken.
Are you saying that a chicken's
life is a normal life?
What's normal about having
feathers and eating grain?
I'm not sure where
you're going with this.
You're still
learning, aren't you?
I like to think I do a
good professional job.
I went to embroidery classes
when I was a child.
I learnt more about
being a detective from
those embroidery classes
than I ever did at…
that place where I learned
to be a detective.
- I don't understand, ma'am.
- One day you will, Whittaker.
One day you will.
I'm sorry you've been waiting so long.
It really should only be family.
I just want a minute.
- One second, then you'll have to leave.
- Yes, of course.
Anthony, it's Sandra
Graham from Fullston's.
I don't know if you can hear me, but
I just want to say I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
If you can hear me, please give me a
sign, just to let me know you're…
(COUGHS)
You're all right!
You're all right!
Last hit!
- It's a lot of rubbish!
- It's a Pound Shop, Nan.
What a load of old shit!
Nan.
I wouldn't give you a
thank you for any of it!
Well, let's go.
Hang on. What's this?
It's a Bust-O-Matic. "Increases bust
size in only five minutes a day."
What a load of old shit!
How much is it?
- It's a pound.
- How much is this?
- A pound.
- I'm talking.
- Everything's a pound.
- Everything's a pound?
Well, that ain't bad, is it?
That's very reasonable.
I don't know where I'd put it all, but
I'd take it off your hands for a pound.
No, Nan, it's a pound per item.
What, each?
Yeah, every single thing is a pound.
It's a pound shop.
What, 20 shillings?
That's scandalous
money, that is.
- How much is that?
- It's a pound.
- What is it?
- It's a garden gnome.
- What's it do?
- Sits in your garden.
I'll take a couple of them. They
don't eat nothing, do they?
- Come on, Nan. We've got to go.
- What's this?
Jam jars. You don't want them.
- How much are they?
- A pound.
- For all three?
- Yeah. You get three for a pound.
What do you want them for?
We've got to go.
- 'Ere, I ain't told you!
- What?
- She's dead, then.
- Who?
- That Jackson woman. Flat above me. Dead.
- What?
Terrible, innit? It frightens
the life out of me.
- Mrs Jackson's dead?
- Yeah.
- Well, how did she die?
- She had… (MUMBLES) …didn't she?
- What are you talking about?
- She's dead.
- I know.
- Well, shut up, then.
- Oh, my God.
- That's what I'm trying to tell ya.
I can't talk about it,
it frightens me so much.
You don't know what to do to be right.
Those poor children.
- I can't believe it.
- Yeah, well, it's true. She's dead.
- I didn't even know she was ill.
- Well, she ain't no more!
That's it. Gone. Finished. Dead.
Obsolete. Ta-ta.
- Who told you she was dead?
- What?
- Who told you?
- Oh, leave off.
- Who told you?
- No one. I don't need telling. I know.
Oh, my God.
The woman's dead, so
let her rest in peace.
Little dog.
Mrs Jackson's not dead, is she?
- I'll have a couple of them, I think.
- Nan?
- Jam jars.
- Nan…
- Can't have too many, can you?
- Nan!
- What?
- Mrs Jackson's not dead, is she?
- Well, I ain't seen her for four days.
- For God's sake!
Are they all in threes?
All in threes, are they?
I could do with four.
- These are a pound, love.
- Do you need a bag?
- What?
- Do you need a carrier bag?
Course I do. Where do you think
I'm gonna carry 'em, on me head?
- That's a pound and a penny, please.
- What?
They charge for carriers
because everything's a pound.
A pound for a carrier?
The jam jars are a pound,
carriers are a penny.
- You've got to pay for the carriers?
- I've got some money.
Don't you dare! I've never
taken money off you!
Do you want the carrier?
Oh, fucking chill out!
Let's have a look at these.
There's a queue.
If you want to look at them, can
you stand over there, please?
I haven't got time to be standing anywhere!
I have an appointment.
People have better things to do
than sift through old tat in 'ere!
Come on, you! You're
making me late!
What a load of old shit!
Thank you for coming.
Not at all. If there's anything
at all the company can do?
Thank you. That means so much. I know
he was only with you for a year,
but Tony said he loved
working at Fullston's.
He had such a great future with us.
Such a tragic loss.
This is Sandra Graham, by the way.
She was Tony's manager.
You're Sandra Graham!
- He must have meant you.
- I'm sorry?
The last night at the hospital,
Tony managed to say a few words.
He had a message for you.
It didn't make much sense
to us, but it might to you.
What did he say?
He said to do this
and say, "Last hit".
Sandra, are you all right?
Yeah, um…
(SCREAMS) No!
No!
No, last hit!
Last hit! Last hit! Last hit!
Last hit!
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "Let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so" ♪
about brings us up to
date with the Woods
and Payne contract.
Sandra, do you have
anything to add?
Not really. I'm meeting
Alistair Payne now, so
I'll pass on any further
information I get.
Of course, without your
initial lead, we wouldn't
be with Woods and Payne
in the first place.
Well, now that we've got
them, let's keep them.
Absolutely.
Last hit.
Thomas, did you want a Coca-Cola?
Do you want a Coca-Cola?
Let me know before I
close the cooler door.
Um…
It's too late. You'll have
to get it on your own.
- Chloe, do you want one?
- No, thanks.
Right. Darling, what
did Mummy tell you?
Not with a metal spoon.
You'll bruise the dough.
But it's only panini, Mummy.
Let's do it properly. Are you
putting olives in yours?
Yes.
That's fine but there's
only one olive fork.
Chloe's using it right now.
Actually, I'm still waiting
for my olives to temper.
(TRILLING PHONE)
Hello.
Hello, Jacques.
We're fine. How are you?
Yah. Yah. No, I don't want to sit down.
just tell me what's happened.
Right. Right.
Um…
Listen, Jacques, I'll
have to call you back.
Yes, they're here with me now.
They'll be fine.
Yes, thank you, I'm fine.
I'll get back to you this afternoon.
And, Jacques…
Thank you. I know this
wasn't an easy call to make.
Thomas… Chloe… I've got
something to tell you.
You know Daddy left for
Paris this morning?
That was Jacques,
Daddy's European P.A.
I've got bad news.
Daddy hasn't been able to
find any good Brie this trip.
But, Mummy, it's the
school picnic tomorrow!
I know, Thomas.
Thomas, I know.
- Has he tried I. Bon Marché?
- He'll have tried there first.
We have some Wensleydale left
over from Ginny's christening.
It's a Parisian picnic. Do you
want people to laugh at you?
- No.
- No, of course not. Come on. Think!
Roquefort eats well
with some good bread.
That's good. Pass
Mummy the phone book.
Quick sticks! Thomas, get me two
Nurofen and a glass of Pellegrino.
I'm getting one of my heads.
We certainly have enough here.
I need the data results
by Friday afternoon.
I trust you can do that?
Why don't we say 10
o'clock Friday morning?
No point in waiting till
Saturday to start the weekend.
Friday morning it is. You have
my numbers if you need me.
Last hit!
What we'll do now is have a short
informal test as per clown key stage two.
I'll be working with you one on
one, starting with, er… Jill.
Thanks.
Let's begin with a little test of
the basics from the first term.
It's just such a relief
to feel normal again!
OK. So let's push on and look at some
of the skills you've learnt so far.
- Do you remember the clown's walk?
- Yes.
Let's try that.
Good. And into the trip.
- Whoops!
- Excellent, Jill.
This is how they
found me, you know.
Slouched over the
steering wheel like this.
OK, Jill. What do we do
when we've done a trick?
How do we present ourselves?
- Yes, that's right.
- Yeah?
- Good. Give us some jazz hands, Jill.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, God!
- What's the matter?
It's the whiplash.
Don't worry. Just try and keep
your mind on the task in hand.
Now surprise yourself
by squeezing the horn.
I love this trick!
Let's see that, then.
(PARP! PARP!) Ooh!
(PARP!) Ooh!
If he'd had this, I
might have heard him.
Right. How about uniform?
- How's your wig?
- It's great.
It's big, it's curly,
it's very bright.
If he'd been wearing one of
these, I might have seen him.
What about your squirty flower?
I've been practising this.
Ooh! Gosh!
They're still there.
A bit withered, but…
What are?
The flowers tied to a tree.
OK. One last thing. Do you
remember the bucket trick?
Yes. That's my favourite!
Let's see that.
Good.
Good.
Oh! Excellent, Jill!
- Very funny.
- Oh, God!
- What now?
- It looks like shattered windscreen.
Sorry. Hello. Erm… I just wondered,
have you seen that at all? It's quite…
Last hit!
- Are you still hanging around here?
- Yeah.
You're never out of
this hospital, are you?
Not at the moment, no.
You was here all last
week, weren't you?
My mum's very ill, so I'm here
quite a lot at the moment.
- It's a worry, isn't it?
- Yeah.
I just had a few days off meself,
and by Christ I needed it!
It's difficult trying to
fill your time, though.
I watched "Ready Steady Cook"
for a few tips and I got one…
Don't watch it, it's shite!
Mind you, there was this great
hunk of a lad doing the cooking.
James something or other, his name was.
Cockney lad, I think.
I thought to myself, "By
Christ, I'd like to"
"baste his turkey for
him!" Know what I mean?
He reminded me of
Gerald - my Gerald.
He could cook. My
God, he could cook.
Pies, cakes, pastries, anything.
He'd just whip it up. Just whip it
right up, you know what I mean?
I shouldn't have
let him get away.
It's a bit tricky when they
leave you for a man, though.
- Do you go out much at all?
- Er… not recently, no.
I went out last night. I went out
with the girls. Karaoke. Great crack.
They all wanted a song so
I did me Bonnie Tyler,
'cause I'm holding out for a
hero as well, know what I mean?
God, I was ripe for it last night.
You could have just taken me.
I had all me Pamela
Anderson gear on.
Getting loads of male
attention as usual.
The girls all said to me, "God
Almighty, cover yourself up."
"You're fat and obnoxious
and you make us feel sick."
Yeah, sick with envy more like,
know what I mean? (SNORTS)
You should come out
with us tonight.
I get off at 7.30. You
could show me a good time.
- Have you any plans at all?
- No, I'm…
Well, then, that's set. Half-past
seven outside Casualty.
Come along for the ride.
The ride!
Er… no. I'm waiting for my mother to
come out of the operating theatre, so…
Oh, Jesus! I've a head like a sieve today.
It's bad news, I'm afraid.
Your mother passed
away ten minutes ago.
I'm very, very
sorry, Mr Wallace.
I'll send a nurse through and she'll
send you… she'll send you in.
- Wait, sorry… Wallace? My name's Willis.
- What? Your name's Willis?
- Not Wallace?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Willis, Willis…
Course, it'd kill 'em to put these
in alphabetical order, wouldn't it?
Oh, here you are.
No, yours is alive.
There you go. Close shave
there, wasn't it, eh?
Oh, no, hang on.
Hang on a minute.
- Willis. Is that with the I-S?
- Yeah.
Oh, God. She's dead, too…
I think.
Is that on the same line as that?
I don't know.
Oh, this is useless. Look,
we've got your number.
We'll ring you this afternoon.
Is that all right?
Don't forget what I said, though.
Half-past seven in Casualty.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Last hit!
No!
No!
Get off!
(SHE SCREAMS)
Last hit! Last hit!
Yeah, ambulance, please.
(MAN) Don't touch him till
the ambulance arrives.
Last hit!
Oh, you're here already.
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, I'm fine.
- A pint of Armstrong's?
- I don't think I'd keep it down, Geoff.
Best not, then.
So, how have you been?
How do you think I've been?
I won't keep you long.
As I said on the phone,
I've got a photocall
with the "Echo" at six.
Oh, yes. I've heard all
about your new majorette,
Melanie… what's-her-name.
Melanie Watkins.
I hear you've made
her captain already.
I get chucked out of the
Doncaster Spinners on a Monday,
and Melanie Watkins gets my majorette
captain title by the Friday.
My God, I bet she looks like
the cat that got the cream!
Bunty, she's nine.
Yeah. Does she realise
she'll be on the
majorette scrap heap
by the time she's 30?
We'll probably bring
it up nearer the time.
So, you asked me to come
here and here I am.
As usual, someone shouted "Shit!"
and I've jumped on the shovel.
I do appreciate your time.
If this is to talk me into teaching,
you're wasting your time.
This is nothing to do
with you teaching.
Good, because I haven't
got the time these days.
Since the Spinners dumped
me, I've not stopped.
I'm busy most nights, even
busier Saturday mornings.
- Yes, we know you are.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You've been seen.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Right. Saturday morning
marching practice,
you were seen watching
us from your car
wearing dark glasses, with
a blanket on your head.
At the NMA awards in Manchester,
you were seen on the front row
wearing a false nose
and a moustache.
Sunday morning, we were
a curtain raiser for
the rugby and somehow
you were a touch judge.
It's not fair what you're doing.
You're frightening the kids.
They're having nightmares.
I tried.
I tried to stay away, Geoff,
but I'm a majorette.
It's in me blood.
I know you are, and
you're a bloody good one,
but we can't have you
marching with ten-year-olds.
It looks like we've
had you on hormones.
I'm a Doncaster Spinner!
Do you know what it's like knowing
you'll never march ten abreast,
spinning a baton to "The Eye
of the Tiger" ever again?
Come on, Bunty. There's a
big wide world out there.
I mean, you're 31 years old.
Do you not want a family?
I had a family, Geoff.
I had a family.
And look what they did to me.
Well, I'll just get on with me life as
if the last 25 years never happened.
It can't be that difficult.
You're obviously doing it.
(MUSIC: ROCK GUITAR ANTHEM)
(DRAMATIC GUITAR)
You should be finishing up
now, so paints down, please.
Honker, let's have a
look at your little man.
- (HONKER) Mee-mee!
- Fantastic, Honker. Well done!
- Mee-mee!
- Cheer up, Boo. It's your turn.
Oh, Boo! Well done!
OK, Jill. Let's see
what you've got for us.
Here we go.
You should have been there.
- He's in very good hands. Don't worry.
- Excuse me, love.
- (GASPS) Last hit.
- Oh, no!
- No, no, please!
- Calm down. He'll be all right.
You don't understand! He's getting away.
Please. Move! Move!
- (SIREN WAILS)
- No…! Stop it!
(DIALS NUMBER)
Hi, Jane. It's Martin Webb. Can you put
me through to Mark Warriner, please?
Marky, you bastard! Martin Webb.
How goes it?
Oh, real good night. Got completely
hammered. Only had four hours' sleep.
I'm on the train now. I'm
gonna get me head down.
Catch a few zeds before you
bastards get your hands on me.
I thought you'd never ask. We, er… we won
Best Regional. Yeah, yeah, result, yeah.
I think I've still got a bit of blood
running through me alcohol vessels (!)
Well, free beer, weren't it?
Yeah, absolutely twatted.
Marky, are you on your own?
Yeah, listen… I
copped off as well.
Hey, shut it, gobshite! That's for
me to know and you to find out.
Yeah, yeah… Mental!
No, no, you go. I'm trying
to get me head down.
All right, mate. I'll
speak to you later.
Hey, Marky, we can… Oh.
Hi, Jane, it's Martin Webb. Can you
put me through to Richard Bolton?
Thank you, my darling. You're
a gentleman and a scholar.
It don't mean anything.
It just means thank you.
It's women like that that give you…
Dicky!
How goes it, you bastard? Martin Webb.
Oh, stormer, absolute stormer.
Yeah, we won two awards. Best
Regional and some other lot.
Probably shit, but I'll
take the glory, no probs.
I think the company card's
gone into meltdown.
We were on the old
champag-nee from seven.
Yeah, mental, yeah. Listen, I…
No, you're all right.
I've got to go as well.
I'm trying to get me
head down for a bit.
I'll ring you later if
I've still got a bit
of blood running through me alco…
Hello?
Signal!
♪ Re-redial when the
crowd say Bo Selecta! ♪
Hi, Jane, it's Martin Webb. Can you put
me through to Rob Mullett, please?
Chas Smith, then.
Kev Marv… Sorry, who
hasn't gone to lunch yet?
Richard who? Yeah, I
know who you mean.
He'll do, yeah. Thank you.
Ricardo, you fat bastard!
Martin Webb, how goes it?
Martin Webb.
Second floor. Do you
know Barry Cheeseman?
Exactly. I'm a big pal of his.
Can you get a message to
Perry Blenkinsop, please?
Can you tell him that
we won everything?
And can you ask him
not to ring me?
I'm trying to get me
head down for a…
Well, you can give him the mess…
Whoa, whoa, pal! Hang on!
Do you know who
you're talking to?
You're talking to a man
that spent yesterday
afternoon playing golf
with Ralph Harbin,
spent 200 quid on a new suit from
Oxford Street - that's in London,
slept with a prostitute…
Well, I didn't know
she was a prostitute.
I'd have probably spent that
amount of money on her anyway.
Have you got to go?
I've got to go first. Bye!
Yes!
(SIGHS)
Hiya. Are you all right?
What you doing?
Do you want anything from the thingy?
A sandwich or owt?
Listen, I might come and
sit in Smoking with you.
It's a bit dead in here.
All right. No, I've got me inhaler.
I'll be all right.
All right, Mam. I'll
see you in a minute.
Hey, Mam, this'll kill you…
I've got to go as well. All right.
See you later. Bye.
(JOLLY MUSIC)
OK.
Three… two… one… Stop twisting.
OK. Honker?
Mee-mee!
Hey hey!
OK, Boo.
Well done. Very good.
It's long, isn't it?
Like your face?
Jill, what have you got for us?
That's the fifth headless
body this month.
No fingerprints. Been
in the drink too long.
- There's obviously some psycho out there.
- Not necessarily.
The lady who did this may
be as sane as you or I.
Why do you think it's a lady?
Because statistically, there are
more ladies than chaps in London.
Logically, the perpetrator of these crimes
is more likely to be a lady than a chap.
It'll be a nightmare identifying the
bodies. No heads, no fingerprints.
I'd have thought that
would make it easier.
How's that, ma'am?
Think about it. How many people do you
know without heads or fingerprints?
Anyone like that would
stick out a mile.
But when they were alive, they would
have had heads and fingerprints.
The cause of death in these cases may
not necessarily be decapitation.
So…
You mean they were killed
before they were decapitated?
You know, technically, it is
possible to live without a head.
You know the phrase about
headless chickens running around.
They don't live for long.
They fall over after
a few seconds.
You couldn't live a normal life
as a chicken without a head.
I couldn't live a normal life
as a chicken without a head?
Don't be too sure.
No, not you, ma'am, a chicken.
Are you saying that a chicken's
life is a normal life?
What's normal about having
feathers and eating grain?
I'm not sure where
you're going with this.
You're still
learning, aren't you?
I like to think I do a
good professional job.
I went to embroidery classes
when I was a child.
I learnt more about
being a detective from
those embroidery classes
than I ever did at…
that place where I learned
to be a detective.
- I don't understand, ma'am.
- One day you will, Whittaker.
One day you will.
I'm sorry you've been waiting so long.
It really should only be family.
I just want a minute.
- One second, then you'll have to leave.
- Yes, of course.
Anthony, it's Sandra
Graham from Fullston's.
I don't know if you can hear me, but
I just want to say I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
If you can hear me, please give me a
sign, just to let me know you're…
(COUGHS)
You're all right!
You're all right!
Last hit!
- It's a lot of rubbish!
- It's a Pound Shop, Nan.
What a load of old shit!
Nan.
I wouldn't give you a
thank you for any of it!
Well, let's go.
Hang on. What's this?
It's a Bust-O-Matic. "Increases bust
size in only five minutes a day."
What a load of old shit!
How much is it?
- It's a pound.
- How much is this?
- A pound.
- I'm talking.
- Everything's a pound.
- Everything's a pound?
Well, that ain't bad, is it?
That's very reasonable.
I don't know where I'd put it all, but
I'd take it off your hands for a pound.
No, Nan, it's a pound per item.
What, each?
Yeah, every single thing is a pound.
It's a pound shop.
What, 20 shillings?
That's scandalous
money, that is.
- How much is that?
- It's a pound.
- What is it?
- It's a garden gnome.
- What's it do?
- Sits in your garden.
I'll take a couple of them. They
don't eat nothing, do they?
- Come on, Nan. We've got to go.
- What's this?
Jam jars. You don't want them.
- How much are they?
- A pound.
- For all three?
- Yeah. You get three for a pound.
What do you want them for?
We've got to go.
- 'Ere, I ain't told you!
- What?
- She's dead, then.
- Who?
- That Jackson woman. Flat above me. Dead.
- What?
Terrible, innit? It frightens
the life out of me.
- Mrs Jackson's dead?
- Yeah.
- Well, how did she die?
- She had… (MUMBLES) …didn't she?
- What are you talking about?
- She's dead.
- I know.
- Well, shut up, then.
- Oh, my God.
- That's what I'm trying to tell ya.
I can't talk about it,
it frightens me so much.
You don't know what to do to be right.
Those poor children.
- I can't believe it.
- Yeah, well, it's true. She's dead.
- I didn't even know she was ill.
- Well, she ain't no more!
That's it. Gone. Finished. Dead.
Obsolete. Ta-ta.
- Who told you she was dead?
- What?
- Who told you?
- Oh, leave off.
- Who told you?
- No one. I don't need telling. I know.
Oh, my God.
The woman's dead, so
let her rest in peace.
Little dog.
Mrs Jackson's not dead, is she?
- I'll have a couple of them, I think.
- Nan?
- Jam jars.
- Nan…
- Can't have too many, can you?
- Nan!
- What?
- Mrs Jackson's not dead, is she?
- Well, I ain't seen her for four days.
- For God's sake!
Are they all in threes?
All in threes, are they?
I could do with four.
- These are a pound, love.
- Do you need a bag?
- What?
- Do you need a carrier bag?
Course I do. Where do you think
I'm gonna carry 'em, on me head?
- That's a pound and a penny, please.
- What?
They charge for carriers
because everything's a pound.
A pound for a carrier?
The jam jars are a pound,
carriers are a penny.
- You've got to pay for the carriers?
- I've got some money.
Don't you dare! I've never
taken money off you!
Do you want the carrier?
Oh, fucking chill out!
Let's have a look at these.
There's a queue.
If you want to look at them, can
you stand over there, please?
I haven't got time to be standing anywhere!
I have an appointment.
People have better things to do
than sift through old tat in 'ere!
Come on, you! You're
making me late!
What a load of old shit!
Thank you for coming.
Not at all. If there's anything
at all the company can do?
Thank you. That means so much. I know
he was only with you for a year,
but Tony said he loved
working at Fullston's.
He had such a great future with us.
Such a tragic loss.
This is Sandra Graham, by the way.
She was Tony's manager.
You're Sandra Graham!
- He must have meant you.
- I'm sorry?
The last night at the hospital,
Tony managed to say a few words.
He had a message for you.
It didn't make much sense
to us, but it might to you.
What did he say?
He said to do this
and say, "Last hit".
Sandra, are you all right?
Yeah, um…
(SCREAMS) No!
No!
No, last hit!
Last hit! Last hit! Last hit!
Last hit!
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "Let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so" ♪