The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
- I seen Jackie today.
- Did ya?
- Yeah.
- Has she seen Shelley?
- No.
- She ain't seen Shelley?
- She ain't seen her.
- How do you know?
- She told me.
- What did she say?
- She said, "I ain't seen her."
- She told you that?
- I said, "You seen Shelley?" She said no.
- She said no?
- She said she was on holiday.
- On holiday?
- She's gone on holiday.
- What for?
- I don't know.
- Where's she gone? Ibiza?
I said, "Where's she gone, Ibiza?"
She said, "No, Zimbabwe."
She's gone Zimbabwe?
She's gone Zimbabwe.
What's she gone Zimbabwe for?
- I dunno.
- I thought she was going Ibiza.
I said, "I thought she was going
Ibiza." She said, "No, Zimbabwe."
I said, "What's she go Zimbabwe
for?" She said, "I dunno."
It's funny, innit?
I couldn't believe it.
Where is Zimbabwe?
I dunno.
(LAUGHING)
(WOMAN) On the high
street's fine.
- How much will that be?
- (MAN) About 12 quid.
(MAN) No, no! It's washed!
- Just a quick wash.
- No! It's clean. Please.
They don't take no for
an answer, do they?
No. It's unbelievable. Every day they
do that. Every day I have to say no.
- You know what you could do?
- What's that?
Well, you could just get out of your car
and just say, "No! No! No! I said no!"
Then sling his water over his greasy,
flea-ridden head, and he'll be like,
"Ow! That's hot!"
And then just give him one
backhander, one swift backhander
right across his
steamy red face.
- Well…
- Hitler-worshipping pikey scum!
Actually, just round the corner's fine.
Was it £12?
No, just call it ten.
- Am I late?
- No, bang on time as usual, Geoff.
Have we got company?
No, it's two for one on
Theakston's tonight.
Shall I have that one and
get the next round in?
Er…
Well, I've nearly
finished this one, so…
Right. Right, I'll just… No, I won't
bother. I can't stop for long.
Bunty, do you want to
take your hat off?
Thing is, it's a new one. I'm trying
to break it in before the Nationals.
- Maybe just for this meeting.
- You're the boss.
We've got your presentation
to organise at some point.
I wanted to go
through a few details.
I told you. I don't want a fuss.
Come on. How many
people do you know
that have been a
majorette for 25 years?
Most kids have had enough
by the time they're 15.
What can I say, Geoff?
I love spinning a baton!
It's me life.
Aye. Now…
I wanted to tell you
the line-up for Leeds.
Fire away.
OK. Front row, I've
got Lauren, Ashleigh,
Danielle and little
Gemma Graham.
Right, can I stop
you there, Geoff?
Gemma Graham on the front row?
Shouldn't she be in Tiny Tots?
She was, but there aren't
awards in Tiny Tots.
Sorry, but Gemma should
be in Tiny Tots.
This could be the tip
of the ice cube.
I mean, if you put her in
the main team this year,
who knows what her demands
will be next year?
Bunty, she won't have any demands.
She's six.
I'm putting her in the
main team and that's that.
Come on, Geoff!
On the front row?
Gemma Graham? Isn't she
going to look a bit
foolish with one year's
twirling experience
standing next to me
on the front row?
You're not on the
front row this year.
Right.
Well, I suppose second row
is better than nothing.
You're not on the
second row either.
Oh.
I see.
Is there anything
else I should know?
Sorry, love. I didn't
mean to tell you
like that. It's just
that… you're 31.
Every year, we think
you're gonna call
it a day, but you
keep coming back.
I'm sorry, love, but
we all feel the time
is right now for you
to leave the Spinners.
Bunty, love… Are you all right?
Oh, Geoff,
you really don't
understand, do you?
It's not about
medals or trophies.
It's not about getting me
picture in the local paper.
Yes, I may be a legend
in some people's eyes,
but I have to step
into me catsuit
one leg at a time just
like everyone else.
It's about marching shoulder to
shoulder with your
fellow majorettes.
It's about watching each other's
back when a high throw goes up.
It's having that sixth
sense that tells you that,
even though you can't
hear the music properly,
you know you're more or less
in step with everybody else.
It's a feeling there are
no words to describe,
when 25 individual majorettes
become one living, breathing animal
With the instinct of a fox and
the grace of a soaring kestrel.
I'm a Doncaster Spinner.
And you'll never know how
proud I am to say that.
And if the Spinners asked
me to leave, well… I'd go,
and of course I'd carry on
living, but believe me, Geoff,
my heart would die.
I'm sorry, love.
It's over.
(MUSIC: "ALL BY MYSELF")
♪ All by myself
♪ Don't wanna be all by myself ♪
- You don't know what's happened today.
- What?
- I've not told you, have I?
- No.
- It was so funny! You won't believe it.
- What happened?
You won't believe
what I've done.
- It was so funny!
- What have you done?
I can't believe it!
- Come on. What have you done this time?
- I can't tell ya!
- Why can't you tell me?
- You'll die!
When you know what I've
done, you will die.
- You've got to tell me.
- I nearly died. It's so funny!
- What have you done?
- I've not told you, have I?
You ain't said a word!
Eight o'clock this morning,
I've gone into work.
I've put the kettle on,
made a cup of tea.
I'm at me desk, sorting
through some stuff
and I can hear
something behind me.
- What's behind ya?
- I thought, "What's behind me?"
I turned around like
that to have a look,
- and it's only Shona, innit!
- What's she doing there?
She's standing by the
kettle and she's laughing.
What's she laughing for?
I said to her, "What
you laughing for?"
She said, "I thought you were
gonna make a cup of tea."
I said, "I am. I just
put the kettle on."
She said, "No, you ain't.
It ain't plugged in."
I said, "What do you mean?"
She said, "You've plugged
in the cafetiere instead."
(LAUGHING)
You didn't plug the kettle in?
I ain't plugged it in!
I've put the water in the
kettle, I've put the
tea in the pot, I've put
the pot on the side,
and I have plugged in
the cafetiere instead!
Why didn't you plug
the kettle in, babe?
I dunno!
Well, we have fell about.
She said, "You're going mad, ain't
you?" I said, "I am, ain't I?"
- You're going mad!
- I am going mad!
Well, then, it's dawned on me
what must have happened.
- What?
- You know what I've done, don't ya?
No.
I've suddenly realised.
I've got the leads mixed up.
- Is that what's happened?
- It must be.
- It make sense, don't it?
- I suppose it would.
I've told Shona and she's
looked at me like that.
She said, "I don't believe you. What
are you like?" It was so funny!
She told the other girls in the office,
and they have absolutely collapsed.
Mary, she's wet herself
she's laughing so much.
Pauline, she can't breathe
she thinks it's so funny,
and by this time, poor
Shona's nearly choking.
It was absolute bedlam!
She said, "You are a liability.
What are you like?"
I said, "Well, you know what I'm
like." She knows what I'm like.
(LAUGHING)
What's a cafetiere?
I dunno!
- Erm… do you mind if I sit here?
- No, not at all.
- It's busy in here, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Is it always busy?
- Yeah, it's very popular.
Anyone who's paid for vegetarian
lasagne, it's all gone,
but you can have aubergine bake
or butternut squash risotto
for the same price.
I don't believe it.
- Was that you? Oh, how annoying.
- Oh, well, never mind.
- You know what you could do?
- What?
You could just grab the
dirty little soap-dodger
by the scruff of his
hemp shirt and say,
"Listen, Moon Unit, why
don't you think as
much about how many veggie
lasagne's are left"
"as you do about
saving the whale,"
"or whatever it is you do when
you're not rolling around in shit,"
"you stinking, unicycle-riding,
tofu-eating hippy?"
Then get a big bloody steak, and he'll
be like, "No, no! I don't eat meat!"
and poke it right down this
throat so he can't breathe,
and then, just give
him a backhander,
just one swift backhander right
across his scabby vegetarian face!
I think I might just
get something else.
The aubergine bake is lovely.
In future, why don't you just
admit you can't read maps?
In future, why not tell
me that the squiggly blue
lines are different to
the squiggly green ones?
You have to have every painfully
obvious thing explained to you -
things that everybody
else takes for granted -
- just in case you balls it up.
- OK. I won't interfere next time.
- Can I have that in writing?
- Do it yourself. See how you get on.
- We'll get there sooner.
- Shut up.
(BABY CRIES)
♪ No one else can make me feel
♪ The colours that you bring
♪ Stay with me while we grow old
♪ And we will live each day in springtime ♪
I mean, why can't you just admit defeat
and say, "I think we may be lost?"
- Shut up! You're like an old woman.
- Instead of pretending for two hours!
Two hours! Jesus Christ!
All right, all right,
you've made your point…
- little man.
- What?
Little Man Syndrome.
That's what you've got.
Don't be stupid.
"I'm a short little man. I get all angry
about things because I want to be taller."
- You're pathetic.
- At least I can see above the dashboard.
Shame you can't fit in
the back seat, though.
What?
- Nothing.
- (BABY CRIES)
♪ 'Cause loving you
♪ Has made my life so beautiful
♪ And every day of my life
Is filled with loving you ♪
- Are you saying I'm fat?
- I didn't say that.
Maybe you're a
little bit sensitive
about still having
a jelly belly.
Excuse me?
You thought you'd be
back in jeans by now.
What has that got
to do with anything?
You're still wearing
maternity slacks.
Concentrate on the road,
you evil little dwarf!
(BABY CRIES)
♪ La-la-la-la-la… ♪
(THEY SING THE TUNE
TO "LOVIN' YOU")
Calm down. We'll soon be
at Dunkin' Doughnuts (!)
Midget!
(THEY SING THE TUNE)
It's been such a mental day today.
You wouldn't believe it!
Lunchtime, right, I tells
Hayley I fancy a jacket potato.
She says, "I'm going to
Pret A Manger," so I
walks down with her
'cause it's on the way.
In the end, we've ended
up sharing jacket
potato, cottage cheese
and a salade nigoise.
We've gone back to work,
we've got in the lift,
next thing I know, the
doors have opened,
she's walked out, I've followed her
out, I've taken one look around me…
I'm only on the fifth
floor, ain't I?!
I'm only on the fifth
floor in Human Resources!
- You don't work in Human Resources, babe.
- I know!
I'm on the fifth floor
in Human Resources.
I'm supposed to be on
the third in Personnel!
Well, we have gone off into
uncontrollable hysterics!
She said, "What you
doing up here?" I says,
"I've only followed
you out, ain't I?"
She said to me, "You're a lunatic!
What you gonna do now?"
I said, "I think I'll
just walk back down."
What's Human Resources?
I dunno!
(TRILLING PHONE)
Hello?
(SPEAKS FRENCH) Allo?
Oui, je sais c'est moi.
(SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK FRENCH)
Oui, je t'embrasse.
(GASPS) je t'embrasse. A tout a I'heure.
Oui, je sais.
(GASPS) Salut.
Who was that?
I dunno!
- You want kids, don't you?
- Yeah. One day. We have spoken about it.
It would be nice.
Jenny Topley's had another one.
I'm surprised she's got time.
- Not her first, then?
- Her first? You know Jenny Topley.
- Do I?
- Jenny Topley from the canteen.
- I've talked about her loads of times.
- Oh, yeah.
Guess how many kids
she's got now.
- How many kids has she got now?
- I haven't a clue.
- Have a guess. She's always pregnant.
- I really have no idea.
Yes, you do! Come on!
Jenny Kids R Us Topley.
How many? Just guess.
- I don't know.
- How many kids has she got now?
- Have a guess.
- 12?
12?
Who has 12 kids?
She's a woman, not a cat.
All right. Three?
Jenny Topley? Three?
She's been pregnant
all her adult life.
- Five.
- Am I speaking another language?
- No, she hasn't got five.
- Eight.
Seven.
- She's got seven kids.
- Seven? Wow! That's a lot of kids.
Yes, it is (!)
(QUIETLY) Seven more than you'll
ever have, you barren old crow.
I just don't see the
point of it myself.
This area has a long
history of street theatre.
Yeah, I've seen 'em here before.
I can't see what he's
supposed to be doing.
It does get on
your nerves a bit!
Makes you want to walk up to him,
get him in a headlock and say,
"What in the name of Christ
are you doing with your life,"
"mincing around like a big old Mary-Anne,
dressed like some sort of deviant?"
"You're nearly 50, for God's sake!
What do your children say?"
"'My daddy hangs around public places,
wearing make-up and scaring people"' (?)
Someone should just give him a
backhander, one swift backhander
right across his saggy-jowled,
painted old face.
That would bring him to
his senses, wouldn't it?
I like the man that does
the juggling, though.
Yes! He is wonderful.
- Hello, Lauren. How can I help you?
- I've got like this to give you, innit?
One second, Lauren.
This is a request to
be excused from games.
That's why I'm giving
it to you, is it.
You should give this
to Miss Harris.
I tried to find her, yeah,
but she weren't here.
Find Miss Harris and
give this to her.
I can't excuse you from a
subject that I don't teach.
- Am I bothered?
- I'm sorry?
- Am I bothered, though?
- I can't help you.
- I'm not bothered, though.
- You're not even listening to me.
- Am I bothered?
- Where do you get this attitude?
- Are you talking about my family?
- Pardon?
- Are you disrespecting my family, though?
- I never mentioned your family.
- Are you ignoring my family?
- Lauren…
- You're a bright girl…
- Do I care?
- You could do well.
- Do I care, though?
I don't care, mate.
Go and find Miss Harris
or you'll be marked absent.
Do I look bothered?
No, Lauren, you don't look
bothered, and neither do I.
But am I bothered?
- Have you had a holiday yet?
- Yeah, we went to Cornwall.
- Nice. I booked my holiday this morning.
- Good for you. You deserve a break.
Two weeks.
Brilliant. Do you mind
if I do this? Sorry.
Egypt.
Cairo. Land of the Pharaohs.
- The pyramids.
- Sounds amazing!
We get there by boat,
down the Nile.
- Boiling hot.
- Lovely.
- Tutankhamen.
- Do you mind if I just finish this?
- Four stars. In the middle of Cairo.
- Brilliant.
En-suite bathrooms, camel rides…
- Waiters in local costume…
- You've done really well.
Packed lunches on
the excursions.
Wow!
- Guess how much I paid for all that?
- Oh…
- How much did I pay for all that?
- No idea.
- Have a guess.
- I don't have a clue.
Just have a guess.
En-suite bathrooms.
- I don't know.
- Take a wild guess. Camel rides.
- I wouldn't like to.
- Have a guess!
- Have a guess!
- I don't know.
- It won't kill you. Guess.
- I can't think.
- Say a number.
- £80.
£80?
£80?
I'm going to Egypt,
not phoning it.
- Sorry.
- You couldn't go to Croydon for that.
- £200.
- Were you listening?
- It's the holiday of a lifetime.
- £500.
- Have you ever been on a camel?
- £650.
- £700.
- £700?
And 11 pounds.
Did you say packed lunches
on the excursions?
That's really reasonable.
Yes, it is (!)
You'll have a lovely time.
Shove it up your arse!
- Hello, Nan!
- Here he is!
- You come up and see me?
- Yeah.
You come up and see me, ain't ya? You
are a good boy. Want something to eat?
- No, thanks.
- Do you want a sandwich?
- I've eaten.
- Have a sandwich.
- Nah, I don't want anything.
- Have something. A cup of tea at least.
- I'll have a coffee.
- What?
- A coffee.
- I ain't got time for coffees.
Come on. Clear that lot up.
- I'm expecting company.
- Who you expecting?
It's Thursday - Meals on Wheels!
- It's only Brenda.
- That's where you're wrong.
I got meself a new
chap, ain't I?
Got meself a new chap
bringing up me dinners!
What's happened to Brenda?
Don't talk to me about that
dirty, thieving bastard.
What have you done now?
I got rid of her. I
got meself a new chap.
Oh, you wanna see him. Lovely
head of hair he's got.
He's called Gavin. He's better than that
thieving shithouse that robbed me blind.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Who's that?
- That's him now.
- Have you given him a key?
Course I have. Who do you think
he is, Harry fucking Houdini?
♪ I won't dance, don't ask me
♪ I won't dance, don't ask me
♪ I won't dance, madam, with you
♪ My heart won't let my feet
do things they should do
♪ So if you hold me in
your arms I won't dance… ♪
What did I tell you, eh?
Have a look!
Oh, how are you keeping?
Lovely.
I got you something
special this week.
There was only one left
and I saved you it.
You are a good boy,
coming up all this way.
- I'm Jamie, Mrs Taylor's grandson.
- Yes, yes, I can see you are.
You're obviously a
family of lookers.
Yeah, he's very short.
I bet you've broken a few
hearts with those eyes.
I bet he's broken a few
hearts with those eyes.
He's got glasses but he won't wear 'em.
He'll be blind by the time he's 30.
While I remember,
here's your tights and…
- your change.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
I've got a nice bit of
salmon in that fridge.
Have it for your dinner.
That salmon's for you.
You asked for it.
Mind your own business. He gets on
my nerves, keep coming up here.
I can't make him out.
You'd think a boy of his age would
be interested in girls, but no.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I was the same at his age.
- I am interested in girls.
- (CACKLING LAUGH)
When Gavin's gone, I'd
like a word with you.
Make us a cup of tea.
- I can't stay.
- No!
Got a rehearsal tonight, so…
got to get over to Dulwich
after I've fed my girls.
Oh, you are a good boy, ain't
you, running about after people!
What a darling!
So I'll see you next week.
Not if I see you first!
(LAUGHING)
Ta-ta, sweetheart.
What did I tell ya? Oh!
What a smashing fella!
Oh, we do have a laugh.
He's brought me
tights up an' all.
What a darling. I don't know
what I'd do without him.
"American Tan"?
American fucking Tan?
Who does he think I am?
Carmen Miranda?
Come on. I thought he
was your new chap.
He can't even get me a simple pair of
tights, the lazy, fat, bug-eyed fairy!
What's he brought me up 'ere?
Not lamb! Not fucking
lamb, is it?
That's all I need. Oh,
don't turn me stomach.
Look at it. Not even a drop
of gravy on it either.
Nan, you like lamb.
This would never have
happened with Brenda.
That's you, that is,
making me get rid of her.
You got shot of
me lovely Brenda,
just so's you could make
eyes at that bow-legged,
'umpty-backed freak show!
Worrying the fucking life out of
me with song and dance routines!
They want shooting,
they really do.
Nan, you like lamb.
"Nan, you like
lamb" (!) Shut up.
Get me some mint sauce,
you useless poof.
Come on! It's getting cold.
This is from that
new sandwich shop.
Avocado, tomato on
wholemeal, mayonnaise.
£3.20.
Lesbian!
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "Let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪
- Did ya?
- Yeah.
- Has she seen Shelley?
- No.
- She ain't seen Shelley?
- She ain't seen her.
- How do you know?
- She told me.
- What did she say?
- She said, "I ain't seen her."
- She told you that?
- I said, "You seen Shelley?" She said no.
- She said no?
- She said she was on holiday.
- On holiday?
- She's gone on holiday.
- What for?
- I don't know.
- Where's she gone? Ibiza?
I said, "Where's she gone, Ibiza?"
She said, "No, Zimbabwe."
She's gone Zimbabwe?
She's gone Zimbabwe.
What's she gone Zimbabwe for?
- I dunno.
- I thought she was going Ibiza.
I said, "I thought she was going
Ibiza." She said, "No, Zimbabwe."
I said, "What's she go Zimbabwe
for?" She said, "I dunno."
It's funny, innit?
I couldn't believe it.
Where is Zimbabwe?
I dunno.
(LAUGHING)
(WOMAN) On the high
street's fine.
- How much will that be?
- (MAN) About 12 quid.
(MAN) No, no! It's washed!
- Just a quick wash.
- No! It's clean. Please.
They don't take no for
an answer, do they?
No. It's unbelievable. Every day they
do that. Every day I have to say no.
- You know what you could do?
- What's that?
Well, you could just get out of your car
and just say, "No! No! No! I said no!"
Then sling his water over his greasy,
flea-ridden head, and he'll be like,
"Ow! That's hot!"
And then just give him one
backhander, one swift backhander
right across his
steamy red face.
- Well…
- Hitler-worshipping pikey scum!
Actually, just round the corner's fine.
Was it £12?
No, just call it ten.
- Am I late?
- No, bang on time as usual, Geoff.
Have we got company?
No, it's two for one on
Theakston's tonight.
Shall I have that one and
get the next round in?
Er…
Well, I've nearly
finished this one, so…
Right. Right, I'll just… No, I won't
bother. I can't stop for long.
Bunty, do you want to
take your hat off?
Thing is, it's a new one. I'm trying
to break it in before the Nationals.
- Maybe just for this meeting.
- You're the boss.
We've got your presentation
to organise at some point.
I wanted to go
through a few details.
I told you. I don't want a fuss.
Come on. How many
people do you know
that have been a
majorette for 25 years?
Most kids have had enough
by the time they're 15.
What can I say, Geoff?
I love spinning a baton!
It's me life.
Aye. Now…
I wanted to tell you
the line-up for Leeds.
Fire away.
OK. Front row, I've
got Lauren, Ashleigh,
Danielle and little
Gemma Graham.
Right, can I stop
you there, Geoff?
Gemma Graham on the front row?
Shouldn't she be in Tiny Tots?
She was, but there aren't
awards in Tiny Tots.
Sorry, but Gemma should
be in Tiny Tots.
This could be the tip
of the ice cube.
I mean, if you put her in
the main team this year,
who knows what her demands
will be next year?
Bunty, she won't have any demands.
She's six.
I'm putting her in the
main team and that's that.
Come on, Geoff!
On the front row?
Gemma Graham? Isn't she
going to look a bit
foolish with one year's
twirling experience
standing next to me
on the front row?
You're not on the
front row this year.
Right.
Well, I suppose second row
is better than nothing.
You're not on the
second row either.
Oh.
I see.
Is there anything
else I should know?
Sorry, love. I didn't
mean to tell you
like that. It's just
that… you're 31.
Every year, we think
you're gonna call
it a day, but you
keep coming back.
I'm sorry, love, but
we all feel the time
is right now for you
to leave the Spinners.
Bunty, love… Are you all right?
Oh, Geoff,
you really don't
understand, do you?
It's not about
medals or trophies.
It's not about getting me
picture in the local paper.
Yes, I may be a legend
in some people's eyes,
but I have to step
into me catsuit
one leg at a time just
like everyone else.
It's about marching shoulder to
shoulder with your
fellow majorettes.
It's about watching each other's
back when a high throw goes up.
It's having that sixth
sense that tells you that,
even though you can't
hear the music properly,
you know you're more or less
in step with everybody else.
It's a feeling there are
no words to describe,
when 25 individual majorettes
become one living, breathing animal
With the instinct of a fox and
the grace of a soaring kestrel.
I'm a Doncaster Spinner.
And you'll never know how
proud I am to say that.
And if the Spinners asked
me to leave, well… I'd go,
and of course I'd carry on
living, but believe me, Geoff,
my heart would die.
I'm sorry, love.
It's over.
(MUSIC: "ALL BY MYSELF")
♪ All by myself
♪ Don't wanna be all by myself ♪
- You don't know what's happened today.
- What?
- I've not told you, have I?
- No.
- It was so funny! You won't believe it.
- What happened?
You won't believe
what I've done.
- It was so funny!
- What have you done?
I can't believe it!
- Come on. What have you done this time?
- I can't tell ya!
- Why can't you tell me?
- You'll die!
When you know what I've
done, you will die.
- You've got to tell me.
- I nearly died. It's so funny!
- What have you done?
- I've not told you, have I?
You ain't said a word!
Eight o'clock this morning,
I've gone into work.
I've put the kettle on,
made a cup of tea.
I'm at me desk, sorting
through some stuff
and I can hear
something behind me.
- What's behind ya?
- I thought, "What's behind me?"
I turned around like
that to have a look,
- and it's only Shona, innit!
- What's she doing there?
She's standing by the
kettle and she's laughing.
What's she laughing for?
I said to her, "What
you laughing for?"
She said, "I thought you were
gonna make a cup of tea."
I said, "I am. I just
put the kettle on."
She said, "No, you ain't.
It ain't plugged in."
I said, "What do you mean?"
She said, "You've plugged
in the cafetiere instead."
(LAUGHING)
You didn't plug the kettle in?
I ain't plugged it in!
I've put the water in the
kettle, I've put the
tea in the pot, I've put
the pot on the side,
and I have plugged in
the cafetiere instead!
Why didn't you plug
the kettle in, babe?
I dunno!
Well, we have fell about.
She said, "You're going mad, ain't
you?" I said, "I am, ain't I?"
- You're going mad!
- I am going mad!
Well, then, it's dawned on me
what must have happened.
- What?
- You know what I've done, don't ya?
No.
I've suddenly realised.
I've got the leads mixed up.
- Is that what's happened?
- It must be.
- It make sense, don't it?
- I suppose it would.
I've told Shona and she's
looked at me like that.
She said, "I don't believe you. What
are you like?" It was so funny!
She told the other girls in the office,
and they have absolutely collapsed.
Mary, she's wet herself
she's laughing so much.
Pauline, she can't breathe
she thinks it's so funny,
and by this time, poor
Shona's nearly choking.
It was absolute bedlam!
She said, "You are a liability.
What are you like?"
I said, "Well, you know what I'm
like." She knows what I'm like.
(LAUGHING)
What's a cafetiere?
I dunno!
- Erm… do you mind if I sit here?
- No, not at all.
- It's busy in here, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Is it always busy?
- Yeah, it's very popular.
Anyone who's paid for vegetarian
lasagne, it's all gone,
but you can have aubergine bake
or butternut squash risotto
for the same price.
I don't believe it.
- Was that you? Oh, how annoying.
- Oh, well, never mind.
- You know what you could do?
- What?
You could just grab the
dirty little soap-dodger
by the scruff of his
hemp shirt and say,
"Listen, Moon Unit, why
don't you think as
much about how many veggie
lasagne's are left"
"as you do about
saving the whale,"
"or whatever it is you do when
you're not rolling around in shit,"
"you stinking, unicycle-riding,
tofu-eating hippy?"
Then get a big bloody steak, and he'll
be like, "No, no! I don't eat meat!"
and poke it right down this
throat so he can't breathe,
and then, just give
him a backhander,
just one swift backhander right
across his scabby vegetarian face!
I think I might just
get something else.
The aubergine bake is lovely.
In future, why don't you just
admit you can't read maps?
In future, why not tell
me that the squiggly blue
lines are different to
the squiggly green ones?
You have to have every painfully
obvious thing explained to you -
things that everybody
else takes for granted -
- just in case you balls it up.
- OK. I won't interfere next time.
- Can I have that in writing?
- Do it yourself. See how you get on.
- We'll get there sooner.
- Shut up.
(BABY CRIES)
♪ No one else can make me feel
♪ The colours that you bring
♪ Stay with me while we grow old
♪ And we will live each day in springtime ♪
I mean, why can't you just admit defeat
and say, "I think we may be lost?"
- Shut up! You're like an old woman.
- Instead of pretending for two hours!
Two hours! Jesus Christ!
All right, all right,
you've made your point…
- little man.
- What?
Little Man Syndrome.
That's what you've got.
Don't be stupid.
"I'm a short little man. I get all angry
about things because I want to be taller."
- You're pathetic.
- At least I can see above the dashboard.
Shame you can't fit in
the back seat, though.
What?
- Nothing.
- (BABY CRIES)
♪ 'Cause loving you
♪ Has made my life so beautiful
♪ And every day of my life
Is filled with loving you ♪
- Are you saying I'm fat?
- I didn't say that.
Maybe you're a
little bit sensitive
about still having
a jelly belly.
Excuse me?
You thought you'd be
back in jeans by now.
What has that got
to do with anything?
You're still wearing
maternity slacks.
Concentrate on the road,
you evil little dwarf!
(BABY CRIES)
♪ La-la-la-la-la… ♪
(THEY SING THE TUNE
TO "LOVIN' YOU")
Calm down. We'll soon be
at Dunkin' Doughnuts (!)
Midget!
(THEY SING THE TUNE)
It's been such a mental day today.
You wouldn't believe it!
Lunchtime, right, I tells
Hayley I fancy a jacket potato.
She says, "I'm going to
Pret A Manger," so I
walks down with her
'cause it's on the way.
In the end, we've ended
up sharing jacket
potato, cottage cheese
and a salade nigoise.
We've gone back to work,
we've got in the lift,
next thing I know, the
doors have opened,
she's walked out, I've followed her
out, I've taken one look around me…
I'm only on the fifth
floor, ain't I?!
I'm only on the fifth
floor in Human Resources!
- You don't work in Human Resources, babe.
- I know!
I'm on the fifth floor
in Human Resources.
I'm supposed to be on
the third in Personnel!
Well, we have gone off into
uncontrollable hysterics!
She said, "What you
doing up here?" I says,
"I've only followed
you out, ain't I?"
She said to me, "You're a lunatic!
What you gonna do now?"
I said, "I think I'll
just walk back down."
What's Human Resources?
I dunno!
(TRILLING PHONE)
Hello?
(SPEAKS FRENCH) Allo?
Oui, je sais c'est moi.
(SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK FRENCH)
Oui, je t'embrasse.
(GASPS) je t'embrasse. A tout a I'heure.
Oui, je sais.
(GASPS) Salut.
Who was that?
I dunno!
- You want kids, don't you?
- Yeah. One day. We have spoken about it.
It would be nice.
Jenny Topley's had another one.
I'm surprised she's got time.
- Not her first, then?
- Her first? You know Jenny Topley.
- Do I?
- Jenny Topley from the canteen.
- I've talked about her loads of times.
- Oh, yeah.
Guess how many kids
she's got now.
- How many kids has she got now?
- I haven't a clue.
- Have a guess. She's always pregnant.
- I really have no idea.
Yes, you do! Come on!
Jenny Kids R Us Topley.
How many? Just guess.
- I don't know.
- How many kids has she got now?
- Have a guess.
- 12?
12?
Who has 12 kids?
She's a woman, not a cat.
All right. Three?
Jenny Topley? Three?
She's been pregnant
all her adult life.
- Five.
- Am I speaking another language?
- No, she hasn't got five.
- Eight.
Seven.
- She's got seven kids.
- Seven? Wow! That's a lot of kids.
Yes, it is (!)
(QUIETLY) Seven more than you'll
ever have, you barren old crow.
I just don't see the
point of it myself.
This area has a long
history of street theatre.
Yeah, I've seen 'em here before.
I can't see what he's
supposed to be doing.
It does get on
your nerves a bit!
Makes you want to walk up to him,
get him in a headlock and say,
"What in the name of Christ
are you doing with your life,"
"mincing around like a big old Mary-Anne,
dressed like some sort of deviant?"
"You're nearly 50, for God's sake!
What do your children say?"
"'My daddy hangs around public places,
wearing make-up and scaring people"' (?)
Someone should just give him a
backhander, one swift backhander
right across his saggy-jowled,
painted old face.
That would bring him to
his senses, wouldn't it?
I like the man that does
the juggling, though.
Yes! He is wonderful.
- Hello, Lauren. How can I help you?
- I've got like this to give you, innit?
One second, Lauren.
This is a request to
be excused from games.
That's why I'm giving
it to you, is it.
You should give this
to Miss Harris.
I tried to find her, yeah,
but she weren't here.
Find Miss Harris and
give this to her.
I can't excuse you from a
subject that I don't teach.
- Am I bothered?
- I'm sorry?
- Am I bothered, though?
- I can't help you.
- I'm not bothered, though.
- You're not even listening to me.
- Am I bothered?
- Where do you get this attitude?
- Are you talking about my family?
- Pardon?
- Are you disrespecting my family, though?
- I never mentioned your family.
- Are you ignoring my family?
- Lauren…
- You're a bright girl…
- Do I care?
- You could do well.
- Do I care, though?
I don't care, mate.
Go and find Miss Harris
or you'll be marked absent.
Do I look bothered?
No, Lauren, you don't look
bothered, and neither do I.
But am I bothered?
- Have you had a holiday yet?
- Yeah, we went to Cornwall.
- Nice. I booked my holiday this morning.
- Good for you. You deserve a break.
Two weeks.
Brilliant. Do you mind
if I do this? Sorry.
Egypt.
Cairo. Land of the Pharaohs.
- The pyramids.
- Sounds amazing!
We get there by boat,
down the Nile.
- Boiling hot.
- Lovely.
- Tutankhamen.
- Do you mind if I just finish this?
- Four stars. In the middle of Cairo.
- Brilliant.
En-suite bathrooms, camel rides…
- Waiters in local costume…
- You've done really well.
Packed lunches on
the excursions.
Wow!
- Guess how much I paid for all that?
- Oh…
- How much did I pay for all that?
- No idea.
- Have a guess.
- I don't have a clue.
Just have a guess.
En-suite bathrooms.
- I don't know.
- Take a wild guess. Camel rides.
- I wouldn't like to.
- Have a guess!
- Have a guess!
- I don't know.
- It won't kill you. Guess.
- I can't think.
- Say a number.
- £80.
£80?
£80?
I'm going to Egypt,
not phoning it.
- Sorry.
- You couldn't go to Croydon for that.
- £200.
- Were you listening?
- It's the holiday of a lifetime.
- £500.
- Have you ever been on a camel?
- £650.
- £700.
- £700?
And 11 pounds.
Did you say packed lunches
on the excursions?
That's really reasonable.
Yes, it is (!)
You'll have a lovely time.
Shove it up your arse!
- Hello, Nan!
- Here he is!
- You come up and see me?
- Yeah.
You come up and see me, ain't ya? You
are a good boy. Want something to eat?
- No, thanks.
- Do you want a sandwich?
- I've eaten.
- Have a sandwich.
- Nah, I don't want anything.
- Have something. A cup of tea at least.
- I'll have a coffee.
- What?
- A coffee.
- I ain't got time for coffees.
Come on. Clear that lot up.
- I'm expecting company.
- Who you expecting?
It's Thursday - Meals on Wheels!
- It's only Brenda.
- That's where you're wrong.
I got meself a new
chap, ain't I?
Got meself a new chap
bringing up me dinners!
What's happened to Brenda?
Don't talk to me about that
dirty, thieving bastard.
What have you done now?
I got rid of her. I
got meself a new chap.
Oh, you wanna see him. Lovely
head of hair he's got.
He's called Gavin. He's better than that
thieving shithouse that robbed me blind.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Who's that?
- That's him now.
- Have you given him a key?
Course I have. Who do you think
he is, Harry fucking Houdini?
♪ I won't dance, don't ask me
♪ I won't dance, don't ask me
♪ I won't dance, madam, with you
♪ My heart won't let my feet
do things they should do
♪ So if you hold me in
your arms I won't dance… ♪
What did I tell you, eh?
Have a look!
Oh, how are you keeping?
Lovely.
I got you something
special this week.
There was only one left
and I saved you it.
You are a good boy,
coming up all this way.
- I'm Jamie, Mrs Taylor's grandson.
- Yes, yes, I can see you are.
You're obviously a
family of lookers.
Yeah, he's very short.
I bet you've broken a few
hearts with those eyes.
I bet he's broken a few
hearts with those eyes.
He's got glasses but he won't wear 'em.
He'll be blind by the time he's 30.
While I remember,
here's your tights and…
- your change.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
I've got a nice bit of
salmon in that fridge.
Have it for your dinner.
That salmon's for you.
You asked for it.
Mind your own business. He gets on
my nerves, keep coming up here.
I can't make him out.
You'd think a boy of his age would
be interested in girls, but no.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I was the same at his age.
- I am interested in girls.
- (CACKLING LAUGH)
When Gavin's gone, I'd
like a word with you.
Make us a cup of tea.
- I can't stay.
- No!
Got a rehearsal tonight, so…
got to get over to Dulwich
after I've fed my girls.
Oh, you are a good boy, ain't
you, running about after people!
What a darling!
So I'll see you next week.
Not if I see you first!
(LAUGHING)
Ta-ta, sweetheart.
What did I tell ya? Oh!
What a smashing fella!
Oh, we do have a laugh.
He's brought me
tights up an' all.
What a darling. I don't know
what I'd do without him.
"American Tan"?
American fucking Tan?
Who does he think I am?
Carmen Miranda?
Come on. I thought he
was your new chap.
He can't even get me a simple pair of
tights, the lazy, fat, bug-eyed fairy!
What's he brought me up 'ere?
Not lamb! Not fucking
lamb, is it?
That's all I need. Oh,
don't turn me stomach.
Look at it. Not even a drop
of gravy on it either.
Nan, you like lamb.
This would never have
happened with Brenda.
That's you, that is,
making me get rid of her.
You got shot of
me lovely Brenda,
just so's you could make
eyes at that bow-legged,
'umpty-backed freak show!
Worrying the fucking life out of
me with song and dance routines!
They want shooting,
they really do.
Nan, you like lamb.
"Nan, you like
lamb" (!) Shut up.
Get me some mint sauce,
you useless poof.
Come on! It's getting cold.
This is from that
new sandwich shop.
Avocado, tomato on
wholemeal, mayonnaise.
£3.20.
Lesbian!
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "Let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪