The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
All change, please.
Train terminates here.
All change.
Are you talking to me?
- Yeah. It's the last stop.
- Am I bothered?
- Pardon?
- Am I bothered, though?
- This is the last stop.
- Am I bothered?
I said you have to get off. Look,
Love, I'm not gonna argue with you.
What did you call me?
Did you call me love?
I ain't your Love, though.
Are you disrespecting me?
This is the last stop.
Do you understand?
- Get off or I'll call the police.
- Am I bothered? Do I look bothered?
- I'm not arguing with you.
- Does my face look bothered?
- This train's going nowhere.
- Is my face bothered?
- This is the last stop and you have to get off.
- I ain't bothered.
Oh, Mummy, how did
it go last night?
Oh, darling, aren't you
sweet to ask me that?
- Was it a triumph? Was it stellar?
- You know Mummy always tells the truth.
Of course. We have no secrets.
Because I want you to grow
up to be brave little
soldiers, I'm going
to be honest with you
and tell you that…
that last night,
Mummy almost ran out of
extra virgin olive oil.
Darling, tell all!
It was horrific. We were
having guests for supper.
I opened the cupboard and I was
down to the last four bottles.
- Mummy, you're shaking.
- I just could not cope.
The reality is so different
to anything you can imagine.
It just completely floored me.
- We had no idea.
- Are you OK talking about this?
Oh, yes, I'm fine, darling.
Really, I'm fine.
I got through it. I had
to get through it.
I had bruschetta in the
Aga, olives marinading
in the larder, sea
bass on the griddle.
I needed another litre
for drizzling alone.
What did you do?
I knew I had to get help,
and somewhere in the chaos
and the despair, I….
I suddenly felt this surge of
strength and calm rise within me.
- How amazing.
- It was, actually.
I had the presence of mind to phone Daddy,
and thank God I did. He was fantastic.
He said, "I can buy some from the
shop on my way home." And he did.
- Did he really?
- He did, yeah. He absolutely did.
Just like that. He came in like a knight
in shining armour and saved my life.
"Cometh the hour,
cometh the man."
He was fantastic. I shudder to think
what I'd have done without him.
What if he'd been driving through
a tunnel and lost his signal?
You'd have had to drive
to the shops yourself.
Shh. Come on. Don't
let's upset ourselves.
Gosh, it really does put everything
into perspective, doesn't it?
- (SLURPS)
- Agh!
- Ahem.
- Agh!
For goodness' sake!
- (SNORTS)
- Agh!
Michael, honestly!
I thought we moved to the country
for a bit of peace and quiet!
- What are you thinking, ma'am?
- I'm thinking, "How about this?"
Suppose, just for the sake of argument,
that the bullet didn't enter the body?
But it did, ma'am. He's
dead, and it's because
of the bullet going
straight through his heart.
I know that, but for
the sake of argument,
let's say the bullet did
not enter the body.
That would mean Stevens
was still alive.
Exactly.
If there was no bullet, Stevens
would still be very much alive.
But he's not, ma'am. He's dead.
I know that, Whittaker, but just suppose
there was no bullet. What would that mean?
Well, it would mean that
Stevens would still be alive
and we wouldn't be here
investigating his murder.
Exactly.
I'm not sure where you're
going with this, ma'am.
Shoot me with the
murder weapon, Whittaker.
What?
Take this and shoot
me in the heart.
- Um…
- Just do it. It'll be perfectly OK.
I just need to be
certain that a bullet
in the heart is enough
to kill someone.
I think… I'm sure it
will kill you, ma'am.
- Just squeeze the trigger.
- I really don't want to kill you, ma'am.
How do you know you'll kill me?
This is a .44 Magnum, and I'm
standing a foot away from you.
Oh, Whittaker, Whittaker! Just when
I thought you were making progress.
- Did you go to the cafe today?
- Yeah.
- Did you see Donna?
- I've not told you, have I?
- What?
- I didn't see her today.
- You didn't see Donna? Why not?
- She didn't turn up.
- She didn't turn up?
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
- She weren't there.
- Where was she?
- I dunno.
- What did you do?
- I've waited.
Yeah, you'd have to wait.
- I'm sitting there…
- Did she turn up?
- No.
- And you're waiting for her?
- I'm waiting for her. I'm sitting there.
- On your own?
- I'm on me own, ain't I?
- No!
- Yeah! That's what I'm telling ya.
- Stop it!
I am sitting there on
me own, waiting for her.
And she's still not turned up?
She's still not turned up,
and I'm sitting there waiting for
her on me own like a nutter.
Don't make me laugh!
- I can't believe it!
- Was Vicky working?
- She's seen me walk in.
- So she's been watching you.
Yeah, she's been clocking
me the whole time.
How funny!
- She's seen me look round for Donna.
- She knows Donna's not there.
- She knows Donna's not there.
- She's letting you look round.
- She has let me carry on.
- I bet she was laughing, weren't she?
- She was in fits.
- What did you look like?
I dunno.
- (LAUGHING)
- So what's happened?
- I've ordered me lunch.
- You'd have to, wouldn't ya?
I've ordered me tuna
Mayo baguette and
cappuccino. I wanted
a Rocky Road Crunch,
but I'd had some Snack-a-jacks.
I thought, "Don't
take liberties."
- Here we go (!)
- I know, but that ain't it.
I've looked down. What
have they given me?
What?
- What am I looking at?
- What have they done?
They have presented
me with a cheese and
sundried tomato panini
and a frappuccino.
Me sandwich is hot, me coffee's
cold, she still ain't turned up…
What is my life like?
(LAUGHING)
Who served ya?
- Gino. He's out of control!
- I'd love to have seen that.
I said to Vicky, "Paul
will love this!"
It's like a film sometimes,
your life, innit?
D'you know, that
is exactly right.
(LAUGHING)
- Right, that's Stella.
- That'll be yours.
- And a pint of Armstrong's.
- Oh! Perfection.
- Mmm.
- Oh!
There's only one thing better
- than a pint of real ale.
- Two pints.
Oral sex.
I was only joking.
Right, Bunty, love. We've
got your award here.
Before we send it to the engraver's, we
need you to approve the inscription.
"Presented to
commemorate 25 years of
unfailing service to the
Doncaster Spinners,"
"Bunty Carmichael, a
major majorette."
Oh, Geoff, it's beautiful.
It's more than beautiful.
- It's lovely.
- You've had a long run with the Spinners.
It's only fair you
bow out in style.
Bow out? What do
you mean, bow out?
Don't start. We've
spoken about this before.
We've spoken about whether I
want to go into the individuals,
and I've told you time
after time I don't.
I'm a team player,
Geoff, you know that.
I know, and we all
admire your enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm (?)
Is that what I've
got - enthusiasm?
You don't get those for
enthusiasm, Geoff.
Sheffield 1992 -
best original twirl.
Eastbourne 1981 - best
overall presentation.
Halifax 2001 - best
combination twirl.
Hull 1989 - endurance champion.
That's not a sash with
medals on it, Geoff.
Blood, sweat and tears,
that's what that is.
Blood, sweat and tears.
Nobody's questioning your ability.
You're the best we've got.
It's just that… without you, the
average age of the team is 12.
You'd be better suited
with a display team
that've got members
nearer your own age.
- What about drum corps?
- Drum corps? Are you serious?!
They're doing very
well in the regionals
and they're in dire
need of twirlers.
Yes, exactly - regionals. They're
doing very well in the regionals!
I'm national, Geoff.
You know I am.
I'm on the brink of European.
It's not just your age
we've got to consider.
- There are other things.
- Such as?
- Safety.
- Meaning?
- Your new display twirl…
- The big dipper!
- What about it?
- The big dipper.
Your baton's going up
25 foot in the air.
Geoff, you know when I catch that
throw, it brings the house down.
But when you don't catch it,
you're bringing children down.
You're lucky we've
not been sued.
25 years?
I don't know what to say.
All right. Look,
what about teaching?
Geoff, what I do,
you can't teach.
Bury St Edmunds1989,
when I broke the
400-twirls-per-minute barrier.
There was an official
enquiry to see if my
baton had been
electronically enhanced.
After the all
clear, MC Alan Amos
christened me "The
Twirlminator".
How am I gonna teach that?
- I don't know.
- And it's not just about ability.
What about dedication?
Do you remember Bradford
'94 when I broke
both wrists going for
the speed record?
The doctor told me
I wouldn't twirl
for six months. Next
Saturday, where was I?
I was there on the front
row with both arms in
plaster, blowing a whistle
and doing high kicks.
But if that's not good
enough for you, Geoff,
well, that's fine by me.
- Bunty, love, why don't we…?
- No, Geoff, don't. You've said enough.
Cheers.
♪ I get knocked down but I get up again
♪ You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down but I get up again… ♪
I'm like "Euw!" and he's like "Wow!"
I'm like "Dude!" and he's like "Cool!"
I'm like "So?" and he's like "Well?"
I'm like "Duh!" and he's like "What?"
I'm like "No!" and he's like "Yes!"
I'm like "Bye!" and he's like "Oh!"
- You must be Carole. How's it going?
- Oh, hello.
- I'm Bernie.
- Hi, Bernie.
You've just moved from
St Anne's, haven't you?
Yes.
- How are you doing?
- Great, thanks.
Not having any bother
with the porters?
No. Everyone's made
me feel really welcome.
Oh, grand. One or two of them can be a
little bit frisky, if you know what I mean.
Especially Malcolm in A & E.
You have to give him the
old green light, but
after that, he won't
take no for an answer.
He's got big hands, you
know what I'm saying?
I hear it's the busiest
A & E in the region.
I'd like a bit of
experience there.
Oh, you'll get experience there,
all right, know what I mean?
There's a lovely black guy - Colin.
Security. Works nights.
My God, he's one
big lump of a man.
When I said experience, I
was referring to nursing.
Oh, God! Will you listen to me?
(SNORTS)
You must think I'm
a right whore!
I just mean they're a decent bunch
of lads for the crack, you know.
I think that's my lunch,
so I'd better get on.
You going to the canteen?
I'll walk down with you. I was just
saying to big Karen on the desk,
we need a bit of
new blood in here.
Something young
with a bit of life.
It's nigh on impossible to get anyone
to go on the pull with these days.
What do you say? A few
Bacardi Breezers,
a couple of big navvies down the
Archway Tavern, you
know what I mean?
I've got a partner,
so probably not.
Haven't we all, though?
Just 'cause you're on
a diet doesn't mean
you can't dribble over
the menu, does it?
Actually, I should
warn you, erm… there's
been a few problems on
Queen Elizabeth ward.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Old fella in for a
brain scan keeps
exposing himself to
the female staff.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
I know. Yeah.
Actually, he's not really
old - probably late
50s. Obviously taken quite
good care of himself!
- Bernie, this is very serious.
- I know.
- Who else knows about this?
- He doesn't do it all the time.
Thursday nights are the best.
I think there's
some sexy programme on
Channel 4 he likes.
It certainly puts the lead in
his pencil, know what I mean?
Bernie, I don't think you realise
how serious this matter is.
It sounds as though
you're encouraging him.
He doesn't need
any encouragement.
He's like a puppy in
a sausage factory.
Fair play to him, it's not the
biggest I've seen on the ward,
but you know what they say - if it's
more than a mouthful, it's a waste!
Since I started here on
Monday, I have tried
not to listen to the
rumours about you,
but it seems everything
they say is true.
Oh, thanks, Carole.
That's really sweet.
- That wasn't a compliment.
- No.
I've had to redo all
the beds you made.
Half of them hadn't even
had their sheets changed.
Oh, no, no, Carole.
Between you and me…
what I tend to do is
give 'em a good sniff.
If they're not too whiffy, I leave
'em on for another couple of days.
I didn't hear that!
- (SHOUTS) What I tend to do is…
- Bernie!
I'm going to get my
lunch, and then I'm going
to request a meeting
with Sister Hughes.
Yeah, Carole, no worries. Just
go and get your lunch, yeah.
I'm cutting down meself.
Got a right slut of a
dress for the summer.
I'm gonna get into
it if it kills me!
Yeah, you wish!
So I'm like so bored, and he's like
"Hey, there." And I'm like "Hey, you."
He's like "Wanna hang?"
and I'm like "OK."
He's like "Really?" and I'm like "Whatever."
He's like "Supremo!" I'm like "Oh-oh!"
He's like "Baby!" and
I'm like "Excuse me?"
He's like "You want me!"
I'm like "Seriously?"
I'm like "Nuh-uh!" and
he's like "Yuh-uh!"
I'm like "No way!" and he's like "You bet!"
I'm like "I don't think so!"
I'm like "Loser!" and
he's like "Slut!"
- Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
You come up and see me? You
come up and see me, ain't ya?
- Brought your Guinness.
- You are a good boy.
- Are you all right?
- No, I'm not.
I'm fucking raving!
- What's the matter now?
- They still ain't been to do me windows.
I waited in all day. They said they'd be
here by 12 but there's no sign of 'em.
I've sat here like a
poor unfortunate.
- Well, you know what the council are like.
- People are gonna think I'm lousy.
They'll see them windows and
think this is a doss-house.
If I could get up there, I'd do 'em
meself, but I can't climb, see?
- I'll do it for you.
- No, you won't!
I'm not having you breaking your neck.
Let that lot do it. No-good layabouts!
Three times I've rang
her, that Roberts woman.
Who's she?
District Housing Officer
or something, innit?
Great big office she's
got, and she's getting
paid for sitting there
scratching herself.
Oh, it makes me wild!
I wouldn't mind, but you can bet your
life they'll send some poor silly cod
who don't know shit from clay.
Last one they sent had no ladder so he
couldn't reach the tops of me windows.
- They don't want the work.
- Why don't I do it? I'll get on the chair.
Don't you dare! I'm not
having you risking your life.
No, no. Wouldn't
they like it, eh?
Oh, yes. That would suit
'em, wouldn't it, eh?
Everyone doing their own windows - people
falling out and killing 'emselves.
- It won't take two minutes.
- If you get on that chair,
I won't let you through
that door any more.
All right. I'm sorry.
That's it. See what
they do to me?
Fucking lowlifes!
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- I bet that's them now.
What's the time? Look at the time!
Half-past four.
12 o'clock they said they'd be here.
They make you sick!
I'll go, Nan. Stay here, please.
Waiting like that ain't right.
- It's these in here.
- Sorry to be so late, Mrs Taylor.
Oh, what's that? Is that
someone at the door?
- It's the window-cleaner from the council.
- Who is it?
I know you've been waiting.
I do apologise.
Was that today?
- I didn't realise that was today.
- Yeah, Wednesday.
Sorry. I'm two men down. I did the
whole nursing home on me own.
Don't worry about me. I
don't take no notice.
- It don't matter if it ain't done today.
- No, it's no trouble at all.
Don't worry about filling up your
bucket, son. Just wipe 'em over.
Would you like a cup of tea? Get the
fella a cup of tea. He's gasping.
I'm fine. The ladies at the
home kept me well supplied.
Did they? (LAUGHS)
- Poor dears. Have a sandwich, then.
- That's very kind but I won't, thanks.
- I've got a lovely bit of boiled bacon.
- No, really. I'll just get me stepladder
- and do the top of the windows.
- Don't worry about that.
- No one's looking at my windows.
- It's no problem.
No! That's lovely what you done there.
That's all I want.
I'm very much obliged
to you, sweetheart.
- Truly I am.
- I'll be off, then.
All right, sweetheart. Take care.
Thank you very much!
Much obliged to you, I really am.
I mean that.
What a fucking liberty!
Look at the state
of them windows!
He ain't touched 'em!
He ain't touched 'em!
Ooh, I shall be on the
phone tomorrow morning.
He had to go and do
the nursing home?
What do they care, all that silly old lot?
Half of 'em are sitting in their own piss,
the rest of 'em are smearing
the walls with shit!
What do they care if their
windows are clean or not?
- Why didn't you let him…?
- Get up there and do them windows!
- People will be talking about me now.
- You said…
- Get on that chair, you no-good nonce pot!
- You said it was too dangerous.
Don't be such a fucking
old Mary-Anne!
- Hic!
- Agh!
- Hic!
- Agh!
- Hic!
- Agh!
(WOMAN) Elaine Figgis
is 34 and lives in York
She's travelled over 4,000
miles to Dallas, Texas
to marry a man she's never met
Jeremiah Wainwright III is a convicted
murderer and notorious cannibal
He is currently on Death
Row awaiting execution.
It's strange how fate can
bring two people together.
I was surfing on the internet
- that just means looking -
and I typed in "Midsomer Murders"
and up came "Midsummer Murderer".
I thought, "What's that?" I read his
little ad and dropped him a line,
and here we are!
I had no idea that in
less than two years we'd
go from simple pen pals
to husband and wife.
It's funny, isn't it?
I was only after a signed
picture of John Nettles.
(WOMAN) How was the journey?
Well, the taxi driver turned up
but wouldn't let me in his cab.
He'd read about me
in the local paper.
He's entitled to his opinion, but it's
not very nice being pushed out of a car
and being called a nutter on
the happiest day of your life.
I missed the direct flight,
so it was 19 hours
by Greyhound bus from
Atlanta to Georgia,
but I did sit next to a very nice
man from Louisiana called Buck.
He gave me his number, but I
shan't be ringing him, of course.
How did you feel when
you arrived in Texas?
It was very emotional, actually.
I felt as if I'd come home, which is odd
because I was actually born in Twickenham.
Mind you, Texas, Twickenham.
It's the same initial…
I hadn't thought of that before!
I suppose it was the realisation that I was
walking on the same ground as my beloved.
Not literally, obviously. He's
strapped to a board most of the day.
But, you know, breathing
in the same air.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime
feeling.
Is that a wedding present?
Yeah.
It's just a little love token.
A last-minute whizz around
duty free if truth be told.
I thought this might be fun,
and then I thought, no, get him
something he'd really like.
So I got him that.
He's a slave to shortbread.
What do your friends
think of this?
Oh, you can imagine what they say. "You're
doing the wrong thing. It'll never work."
"It's a ridiculous idea.
You're mad."
But that's always going
to be the case when a
woman marries someone
considerably younger.
- You think that's their concern?
- They're not concerned at all.
To be honest, it's just
jealousy, that's all it is.
- Could it be…?
- ♪ I'm falling in love with you, baby? ♪
Sorry. Me and my friend Jenny used
to do that all the time. Go on.
(BUZZER)
Oh!
All right. That'll be me, then.
Good luck.
I've had more than my
fair share of luck.
Down to me now.
(BUZZER)
(SIGHS)
- Was everything all right?
- Yeah.
All done and dusted.
Is that it?
Yeah. I knew it was going to
be a short service because…
Well, he's a big lad and it's difficult to
gauge the amount of sedative to give him.
They don't want to kill
him, nor do they want
him lashing out with
all the excitement.
So it was a quick "I do",
and that was it, really.
I can't stand it when weddings
drag on, though, can you?
- Will you see Jerry later today?
- No.
He hasn't got another visiting
order now for four weeks.
So it's back to
good old Blighty.
I might ask the pilot if he could tie some
tin cans round the back of the plane!
No, actually, that
would be dangerous.
I think we should go.
Shall we…? No, I
think we should go.
He comes over, and I'm thinking "Oh, my God!"
and he's like "Hi!" and I'm like "Hi!"
He's like "Are you alone?"
and I'm like "Yes."
He's like "I don't believe you!"
and I'm like "Come on!"
He's like "I'm serious!"
and I'm like "Cut it out! Can we stop?"
He's like "I saw you come in.
Can I get you a drink?"
I'm like "That'd be great. I'll have a soda."
And he's like "Is that all?"
I'm like "What do you mean?"
and he's like "On its own?"
He's like "Don't you drink?"
and I'm like "It's none of your business!"
He's like "I'm only asking. Calm down!"
I'm like "I'm sorry?"
He's like "Don't be. Back off!"
and I'm like "Fuck you!"
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
- ♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
- Agh!
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪
Ooh, I've won another bag.
Train terminates here.
All change.
Are you talking to me?
- Yeah. It's the last stop.
- Am I bothered?
- Pardon?
- Am I bothered, though?
- This is the last stop.
- Am I bothered?
I said you have to get off. Look,
Love, I'm not gonna argue with you.
What did you call me?
Did you call me love?
I ain't your Love, though.
Are you disrespecting me?
This is the last stop.
Do you understand?
- Get off or I'll call the police.
- Am I bothered? Do I look bothered?
- I'm not arguing with you.
- Does my face look bothered?
- This train's going nowhere.
- Is my face bothered?
- This is the last stop and you have to get off.
- I ain't bothered.
Oh, Mummy, how did
it go last night?
Oh, darling, aren't you
sweet to ask me that?
- Was it a triumph? Was it stellar?
- You know Mummy always tells the truth.
Of course. We have no secrets.
Because I want you to grow
up to be brave little
soldiers, I'm going
to be honest with you
and tell you that…
that last night,
Mummy almost ran out of
extra virgin olive oil.
Darling, tell all!
It was horrific. We were
having guests for supper.
I opened the cupboard and I was
down to the last four bottles.
- Mummy, you're shaking.
- I just could not cope.
The reality is so different
to anything you can imagine.
It just completely floored me.
- We had no idea.
- Are you OK talking about this?
Oh, yes, I'm fine, darling.
Really, I'm fine.
I got through it. I had
to get through it.
I had bruschetta in the
Aga, olives marinading
in the larder, sea
bass on the griddle.
I needed another litre
for drizzling alone.
What did you do?
I knew I had to get help,
and somewhere in the chaos
and the despair, I….
I suddenly felt this surge of
strength and calm rise within me.
- How amazing.
- It was, actually.
I had the presence of mind to phone Daddy,
and thank God I did. He was fantastic.
He said, "I can buy some from the
shop on my way home." And he did.
- Did he really?
- He did, yeah. He absolutely did.
Just like that. He came in like a knight
in shining armour and saved my life.
"Cometh the hour,
cometh the man."
He was fantastic. I shudder to think
what I'd have done without him.
What if he'd been driving through
a tunnel and lost his signal?
You'd have had to drive
to the shops yourself.
Shh. Come on. Don't
let's upset ourselves.
Gosh, it really does put everything
into perspective, doesn't it?
- (SLURPS)
- Agh!
- Ahem.
- Agh!
For goodness' sake!
- (SNORTS)
- Agh!
Michael, honestly!
I thought we moved to the country
for a bit of peace and quiet!
- What are you thinking, ma'am?
- I'm thinking, "How about this?"
Suppose, just for the sake of argument,
that the bullet didn't enter the body?
But it did, ma'am. He's
dead, and it's because
of the bullet going
straight through his heart.
I know that, but for
the sake of argument,
let's say the bullet did
not enter the body.
That would mean Stevens
was still alive.
Exactly.
If there was no bullet, Stevens
would still be very much alive.
But he's not, ma'am. He's dead.
I know that, Whittaker, but just suppose
there was no bullet. What would that mean?
Well, it would mean that
Stevens would still be alive
and we wouldn't be here
investigating his murder.
Exactly.
I'm not sure where you're
going with this, ma'am.
Shoot me with the
murder weapon, Whittaker.
What?
Take this and shoot
me in the heart.
- Um…
- Just do it. It'll be perfectly OK.
I just need to be
certain that a bullet
in the heart is enough
to kill someone.
I think… I'm sure it
will kill you, ma'am.
- Just squeeze the trigger.
- I really don't want to kill you, ma'am.
How do you know you'll kill me?
This is a .44 Magnum, and I'm
standing a foot away from you.
Oh, Whittaker, Whittaker! Just when
I thought you were making progress.
- Did you go to the cafe today?
- Yeah.
- Did you see Donna?
- I've not told you, have I?
- What?
- I didn't see her today.
- You didn't see Donna? Why not?
- She didn't turn up.
- She didn't turn up?
- No.
- What do you mean, no?
- She weren't there.
- Where was she?
- I dunno.
- What did you do?
- I've waited.
Yeah, you'd have to wait.
- I'm sitting there…
- Did she turn up?
- No.
- And you're waiting for her?
- I'm waiting for her. I'm sitting there.
- On your own?
- I'm on me own, ain't I?
- No!
- Yeah! That's what I'm telling ya.
- Stop it!
I am sitting there on
me own, waiting for her.
And she's still not turned up?
She's still not turned up,
and I'm sitting there waiting for
her on me own like a nutter.
Don't make me laugh!
- I can't believe it!
- Was Vicky working?
- She's seen me walk in.
- So she's been watching you.
Yeah, she's been clocking
me the whole time.
How funny!
- She's seen me look round for Donna.
- She knows Donna's not there.
- She knows Donna's not there.
- She's letting you look round.
- She has let me carry on.
- I bet she was laughing, weren't she?
- She was in fits.
- What did you look like?
I dunno.
- (LAUGHING)
- So what's happened?
- I've ordered me lunch.
- You'd have to, wouldn't ya?
I've ordered me tuna
Mayo baguette and
cappuccino. I wanted
a Rocky Road Crunch,
but I'd had some Snack-a-jacks.
I thought, "Don't
take liberties."
- Here we go (!)
- I know, but that ain't it.
I've looked down. What
have they given me?
What?
- What am I looking at?
- What have they done?
They have presented
me with a cheese and
sundried tomato panini
and a frappuccino.
Me sandwich is hot, me coffee's
cold, she still ain't turned up…
What is my life like?
(LAUGHING)
Who served ya?
- Gino. He's out of control!
- I'd love to have seen that.
I said to Vicky, "Paul
will love this!"
It's like a film sometimes,
your life, innit?
D'you know, that
is exactly right.
(LAUGHING)
- Right, that's Stella.
- That'll be yours.
- And a pint of Armstrong's.
- Oh! Perfection.
- Mmm.
- Oh!
There's only one thing better
- than a pint of real ale.
- Two pints.
Oral sex.
I was only joking.
Right, Bunty, love. We've
got your award here.
Before we send it to the engraver's, we
need you to approve the inscription.
"Presented to
commemorate 25 years of
unfailing service to the
Doncaster Spinners,"
"Bunty Carmichael, a
major majorette."
Oh, Geoff, it's beautiful.
It's more than beautiful.
- It's lovely.
- You've had a long run with the Spinners.
It's only fair you
bow out in style.
Bow out? What do
you mean, bow out?
Don't start. We've
spoken about this before.
We've spoken about whether I
want to go into the individuals,
and I've told you time
after time I don't.
I'm a team player,
Geoff, you know that.
I know, and we all
admire your enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm (?)
Is that what I've
got - enthusiasm?
You don't get those for
enthusiasm, Geoff.
Sheffield 1992 -
best original twirl.
Eastbourne 1981 - best
overall presentation.
Halifax 2001 - best
combination twirl.
Hull 1989 - endurance champion.
That's not a sash with
medals on it, Geoff.
Blood, sweat and tears,
that's what that is.
Blood, sweat and tears.
Nobody's questioning your ability.
You're the best we've got.
It's just that… without you, the
average age of the team is 12.
You'd be better suited
with a display team
that've got members
nearer your own age.
- What about drum corps?
- Drum corps? Are you serious?!
They're doing very
well in the regionals
and they're in dire
need of twirlers.
Yes, exactly - regionals. They're
doing very well in the regionals!
I'm national, Geoff.
You know I am.
I'm on the brink of European.
It's not just your age
we've got to consider.
- There are other things.
- Such as?
- Safety.
- Meaning?
- Your new display twirl…
- The big dipper!
- What about it?
- The big dipper.
Your baton's going up
25 foot in the air.
Geoff, you know when I catch that
throw, it brings the house down.
But when you don't catch it,
you're bringing children down.
You're lucky we've
not been sued.
25 years?
I don't know what to say.
All right. Look,
what about teaching?
Geoff, what I do,
you can't teach.
Bury St Edmunds1989,
when I broke the
400-twirls-per-minute barrier.
There was an official
enquiry to see if my
baton had been
electronically enhanced.
After the all
clear, MC Alan Amos
christened me "The
Twirlminator".
How am I gonna teach that?
- I don't know.
- And it's not just about ability.
What about dedication?
Do you remember Bradford
'94 when I broke
both wrists going for
the speed record?
The doctor told me
I wouldn't twirl
for six months. Next
Saturday, where was I?
I was there on the front
row with both arms in
plaster, blowing a whistle
and doing high kicks.
But if that's not good
enough for you, Geoff,
well, that's fine by me.
- Bunty, love, why don't we…?
- No, Geoff, don't. You've said enough.
Cheers.
♪ I get knocked down but I get up again
♪ You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down but I get up again… ♪
I'm like "Euw!" and he's like "Wow!"
I'm like "Dude!" and he's like "Cool!"
I'm like "So?" and he's like "Well?"
I'm like "Duh!" and he's like "What?"
I'm like "No!" and he's like "Yes!"
I'm like "Bye!" and he's like "Oh!"
- You must be Carole. How's it going?
- Oh, hello.
- I'm Bernie.
- Hi, Bernie.
You've just moved from
St Anne's, haven't you?
Yes.
- How are you doing?
- Great, thanks.
Not having any bother
with the porters?
No. Everyone's made
me feel really welcome.
Oh, grand. One or two of them can be a
little bit frisky, if you know what I mean.
Especially Malcolm in A & E.
You have to give him the
old green light, but
after that, he won't
take no for an answer.
He's got big hands, you
know what I'm saying?
I hear it's the busiest
A & E in the region.
I'd like a bit of
experience there.
Oh, you'll get experience there,
all right, know what I mean?
There's a lovely black guy - Colin.
Security. Works nights.
My God, he's one
big lump of a man.
When I said experience, I
was referring to nursing.
Oh, God! Will you listen to me?
(SNORTS)
You must think I'm
a right whore!
I just mean they're a decent bunch
of lads for the crack, you know.
I think that's my lunch,
so I'd better get on.
You going to the canteen?
I'll walk down with you. I was just
saying to big Karen on the desk,
we need a bit of
new blood in here.
Something young
with a bit of life.
It's nigh on impossible to get anyone
to go on the pull with these days.
What do you say? A few
Bacardi Breezers,
a couple of big navvies down the
Archway Tavern, you
know what I mean?
I've got a partner,
so probably not.
Haven't we all, though?
Just 'cause you're on
a diet doesn't mean
you can't dribble over
the menu, does it?
Actually, I should
warn you, erm… there's
been a few problems on
Queen Elizabeth ward.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Old fella in for a
brain scan keeps
exposing himself to
the female staff.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
I know. Yeah.
Actually, he's not really
old - probably late
50s. Obviously taken quite
good care of himself!
- Bernie, this is very serious.
- I know.
- Who else knows about this?
- He doesn't do it all the time.
Thursday nights are the best.
I think there's
some sexy programme on
Channel 4 he likes.
It certainly puts the lead in
his pencil, know what I mean?
Bernie, I don't think you realise
how serious this matter is.
It sounds as though
you're encouraging him.
He doesn't need
any encouragement.
He's like a puppy in
a sausage factory.
Fair play to him, it's not the
biggest I've seen on the ward,
but you know what they say - if it's
more than a mouthful, it's a waste!
Since I started here on
Monday, I have tried
not to listen to the
rumours about you,
but it seems everything
they say is true.
Oh, thanks, Carole.
That's really sweet.
- That wasn't a compliment.
- No.
I've had to redo all
the beds you made.
Half of them hadn't even
had their sheets changed.
Oh, no, no, Carole.
Between you and me…
what I tend to do is
give 'em a good sniff.
If they're not too whiffy, I leave
'em on for another couple of days.
I didn't hear that!
- (SHOUTS) What I tend to do is…
- Bernie!
I'm going to get my
lunch, and then I'm going
to request a meeting
with Sister Hughes.
Yeah, Carole, no worries. Just
go and get your lunch, yeah.
I'm cutting down meself.
Got a right slut of a
dress for the summer.
I'm gonna get into
it if it kills me!
Yeah, you wish!
So I'm like so bored, and he's like
"Hey, there." And I'm like "Hey, you."
He's like "Wanna hang?"
and I'm like "OK."
He's like "Really?" and I'm like "Whatever."
He's like "Supremo!" I'm like "Oh-oh!"
He's like "Baby!" and
I'm like "Excuse me?"
He's like "You want me!"
I'm like "Seriously?"
I'm like "Nuh-uh!" and
he's like "Yuh-uh!"
I'm like "No way!" and he's like "You bet!"
I'm like "I don't think so!"
I'm like "Loser!" and
he's like "Slut!"
- Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
You come up and see me? You
come up and see me, ain't ya?
- Brought your Guinness.
- You are a good boy.
- Are you all right?
- No, I'm not.
I'm fucking raving!
- What's the matter now?
- They still ain't been to do me windows.
I waited in all day. They said they'd be
here by 12 but there's no sign of 'em.
I've sat here like a
poor unfortunate.
- Well, you know what the council are like.
- People are gonna think I'm lousy.
They'll see them windows and
think this is a doss-house.
If I could get up there, I'd do 'em
meself, but I can't climb, see?
- I'll do it for you.
- No, you won't!
I'm not having you breaking your neck.
Let that lot do it. No-good layabouts!
Three times I've rang
her, that Roberts woman.
Who's she?
District Housing Officer
or something, innit?
Great big office she's
got, and she's getting
paid for sitting there
scratching herself.
Oh, it makes me wild!
I wouldn't mind, but you can bet your
life they'll send some poor silly cod
who don't know shit from clay.
Last one they sent had no ladder so he
couldn't reach the tops of me windows.
- They don't want the work.
- Why don't I do it? I'll get on the chair.
Don't you dare! I'm not
having you risking your life.
No, no. Wouldn't
they like it, eh?
Oh, yes. That would suit
'em, wouldn't it, eh?
Everyone doing their own windows - people
falling out and killing 'emselves.
- It won't take two minutes.
- If you get on that chair,
I won't let you through
that door any more.
All right. I'm sorry.
That's it. See what
they do to me?
Fucking lowlifes!
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- I bet that's them now.
What's the time? Look at the time!
Half-past four.
12 o'clock they said they'd be here.
They make you sick!
I'll go, Nan. Stay here, please.
Waiting like that ain't right.
- It's these in here.
- Sorry to be so late, Mrs Taylor.
Oh, what's that? Is that
someone at the door?
- It's the window-cleaner from the council.
- Who is it?
I know you've been waiting.
I do apologise.
Was that today?
- I didn't realise that was today.
- Yeah, Wednesday.
Sorry. I'm two men down. I did the
whole nursing home on me own.
Don't worry about me. I
don't take no notice.
- It don't matter if it ain't done today.
- No, it's no trouble at all.
Don't worry about filling up your
bucket, son. Just wipe 'em over.
Would you like a cup of tea? Get the
fella a cup of tea. He's gasping.
I'm fine. The ladies at the
home kept me well supplied.
Did they? (LAUGHS)
- Poor dears. Have a sandwich, then.
- That's very kind but I won't, thanks.
- I've got a lovely bit of boiled bacon.
- No, really. I'll just get me stepladder
- and do the top of the windows.
- Don't worry about that.
- No one's looking at my windows.
- It's no problem.
No! That's lovely what you done there.
That's all I want.
I'm very much obliged
to you, sweetheart.
- Truly I am.
- I'll be off, then.
All right, sweetheart. Take care.
Thank you very much!
Much obliged to you, I really am.
I mean that.
What a fucking liberty!
Look at the state
of them windows!
He ain't touched 'em!
He ain't touched 'em!
Ooh, I shall be on the
phone tomorrow morning.
He had to go and do
the nursing home?
What do they care, all that silly old lot?
Half of 'em are sitting in their own piss,
the rest of 'em are smearing
the walls with shit!
What do they care if their
windows are clean or not?
- Why didn't you let him…?
- Get up there and do them windows!
- People will be talking about me now.
- You said…
- Get on that chair, you no-good nonce pot!
- You said it was too dangerous.
Don't be such a fucking
old Mary-Anne!
- Hic!
- Agh!
- Hic!
- Agh!
- Hic!
- Agh!
(WOMAN) Elaine Figgis
is 34 and lives in York
She's travelled over 4,000
miles to Dallas, Texas
to marry a man she's never met
Jeremiah Wainwright III is a convicted
murderer and notorious cannibal
He is currently on Death
Row awaiting execution.
It's strange how fate can
bring two people together.
I was surfing on the internet
- that just means looking -
and I typed in "Midsomer Murders"
and up came "Midsummer Murderer".
I thought, "What's that?" I read his
little ad and dropped him a line,
and here we are!
I had no idea that in
less than two years we'd
go from simple pen pals
to husband and wife.
It's funny, isn't it?
I was only after a signed
picture of John Nettles.
(WOMAN) How was the journey?
Well, the taxi driver turned up
but wouldn't let me in his cab.
He'd read about me
in the local paper.
He's entitled to his opinion, but it's
not very nice being pushed out of a car
and being called a nutter on
the happiest day of your life.
I missed the direct flight,
so it was 19 hours
by Greyhound bus from
Atlanta to Georgia,
but I did sit next to a very nice
man from Louisiana called Buck.
He gave me his number, but I
shan't be ringing him, of course.
How did you feel when
you arrived in Texas?
It was very emotional, actually.
I felt as if I'd come home, which is odd
because I was actually born in Twickenham.
Mind you, Texas, Twickenham.
It's the same initial…
I hadn't thought of that before!
I suppose it was the realisation that I was
walking on the same ground as my beloved.
Not literally, obviously. He's
strapped to a board most of the day.
But, you know, breathing
in the same air.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime
feeling.
Is that a wedding present?
Yeah.
It's just a little love token.
A last-minute whizz around
duty free if truth be told.
I thought this might be fun,
and then I thought, no, get him
something he'd really like.
So I got him that.
He's a slave to shortbread.
What do your friends
think of this?
Oh, you can imagine what they say. "You're
doing the wrong thing. It'll never work."
"It's a ridiculous idea.
You're mad."
But that's always going
to be the case when a
woman marries someone
considerably younger.
- You think that's their concern?
- They're not concerned at all.
To be honest, it's just
jealousy, that's all it is.
- Could it be…?
- ♪ I'm falling in love with you, baby? ♪
Sorry. Me and my friend Jenny used
to do that all the time. Go on.
(BUZZER)
Oh!
All right. That'll be me, then.
Good luck.
I've had more than my
fair share of luck.
Down to me now.
(BUZZER)
(SIGHS)
- Was everything all right?
- Yeah.
All done and dusted.
Is that it?
Yeah. I knew it was going to
be a short service because…
Well, he's a big lad and it's difficult to
gauge the amount of sedative to give him.
They don't want to kill
him, nor do they want
him lashing out with
all the excitement.
So it was a quick "I do",
and that was it, really.
I can't stand it when weddings
drag on, though, can you?
- Will you see Jerry later today?
- No.
He hasn't got another visiting
order now for four weeks.
So it's back to
good old Blighty.
I might ask the pilot if he could tie some
tin cans round the back of the plane!
No, actually, that
would be dangerous.
I think we should go.
Shall we…? No, I
think we should go.
He comes over, and I'm thinking "Oh, my God!"
and he's like "Hi!" and I'm like "Hi!"
He's like "Are you alone?"
and I'm like "Yes."
He's like "I don't believe you!"
and I'm like "Come on!"
He's like "I'm serious!"
and I'm like "Cut it out! Can we stop?"
He's like "I saw you come in.
Can I get you a drink?"
I'm like "That'd be great. I'll have a soda."
And he's like "Is that all?"
I'm like "What do you mean?"
and he's like "On its own?"
He's like "Don't you drink?"
and I'm like "It's none of your business!"
He's like "I'm only asking. Calm down!"
I'm like "I'm sorry?"
He's like "Don't be. Back off!"
and I'm like "Fuck you!"
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
- ♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
- Agh!
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪
Ooh, I've won another bag.