The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
It's from Martin and Vicky.
Oh!
Oh. Typical - Paula.
Agh!
Ooh, it's from your mum.
Excuse me. I've lost my mum.
Oh, I'm really sorry
to hear that.
It just creeps up at you at the
most peculiar times, doesn't it?
Did she have a good innings?
She's not dead. I
just can't find her.
Oh. My God!
(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you meant…
It's OK. We just got
split up along the way.
Oh, I see.
Sorry. Is it possible to
make an announcement?
I don't see why not. What would
you like to say about it?
- No, I mean do you have a speaker system?
- A speaker system?
To make an announcement
about my mother.
A speaker system to make an
announcement about your mother?
That would be a waste of money unless
she gets lost here on a regular basis.
Do you have a meeting point?
I know some people meet out
the front near the bus stops,
but they're mainly kids.
No, I mean do you have a
meeting point for lost people?
Well, if they're lost, they
probably won't find it.
She'll be 83 at the weekend.
I… I don't know what to do.
I wouldn't have a
surprise party.
She doesn't want any sudden
shocks at that age, does she?
- Does she like muffins?
- What?
There are shops selling
muffins and cookies.
Is there one on this floor?
Oh, I'm not sure.
(SNIFFS)
You can usually smell
them, can't you?
What, the muffins?
No, old people.
(TANNOY) Will Judy Wallis please
go to the third-floor cafe
where your mother
is waiting for you?
Somebody must be lost.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- You wanted to see me, Sister?
- Yes, Bernie. Sit down.
I bought you a toffee-flavoured
choco-lite, Sister, on the off-chance.
Not for me, thank you, Bernie.
Should I give it to Mark?
Only I can't manage two...
unless this'll take a long time, in
which case I'll get a Snickers as well.
No. Put the drinks on
the desk and sit down.
One of these has got
three sugars in it.
- Do you know why you're here?
- Is it about last night?
- Yes, it is about last night.
- (SHE SIGHS)
Your birthday stunt may have gone unnoticed
had the Xerox machine not jammed.
You can imagine Dr Barker's surprise when,
trying to photocopy his memos this morning,
he was presented with 40 black-and-white
A3 enlargements of your bottom.
I can explain that, actually,
how that came about.
Not only that, it now seems the
copier has gone into shock
and can only print A3
enlargements of your bottom.
Sister O'Brien is copying out
the rotas by hand as we speak.
Right. I can explain that, Sister,
how that came about, like.
- Please, be my guest.
- Right…
What, now?
There was no harm done. You
know what us girls are like.
I bet you're a bit of a dark horse
yourself when you get going!
I didn't mean to upset anyone.
Look at it from my position.
What do I tell
Dr Barker when he asks
why several dozen copies of your backside
are circulating on various male wards?
- It was just for the crack.
- Is that supposed to be funny, Bernie?
No, Sister.
Oh, my God! The crack!
Oh, no, that's still too hot.
- A Mr Blackwood's complained about you.
- He's complained about me?
Something you said while
giving him a blanket bath.
Something about a boat.
"Sweet mother of Jesus! It's like
trying to raise the Titanic!"
I'm sorry, Sister.
I really feel you've let us all down
this time, Bernie, not just yourself.
I've no choice but to give
you a written warning.
♪ Raindrops on roses
and whiskers on kittens
♪ Bright copper kettles
and warm woollen mittens
♪ Brown paper packages tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things ♪
- Bernie!
- ♪ when the dog bites
- ♪ when the bee stings ♪
- What are you doing?
I was just trying to
lighten the situation.
Take these.
Make sure you read them.
Sign them both. Keep one, and hand
the other one in at the main office.
Now, if you'd like to
get back to your work…
Sorry.
Oh, God! This one's yours.
Get out!
Agh!
Julie, it's Margaret.
Did you want me?
(DOOR SLAMS)
- Is that you, darling?
- Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
- You all right?
- Yeah, lovely. You come up and see me?
- Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya?
- Yeah.
I noticed that. Oh,
you are a good boy.
You are a darling child.
Here, Nan. You seen Jean lately?
- Who?
- Jean.
- Jean?
- Yeah. Have you seen her?
- Jean who?
- Jean. Jean!
- Who's Jean?
- How many Jean's do you know?
I don't know no Jean's.
Jean from over the road.
Jean Baker.
- You went to school with her mother.
- Oh, yes.
Is she called Jean?
- You know she is.
- What about her?
- Have you seen her?
- No. What's happened to her?
- Nothing. I'm asking if you've seen her.
- I ain't seen her.
- You've not seen Jean?
- No.
- You've not seen Jean from over the road?
- No.
Are you sure?
Course I'm sure. What's
the matter with ya?
I ain't seen no one. I
ain't seen a living soul.
- I ain't been outside me door.
- So you've definitely not seen Jean?
What are ya, a fucking
dunce or something?
I haven't seen no fucking Jean, OK? God
forgive me for swearing. You made me do that.
All right.
You're obsessed with
the woman, ain't ya?
Well… no, it's just that I saw her
today and usually she's very friendly,
but today she ignored me. You
sure you haven't seen her?
- Who?
- Jean!
- Oh, yes. I've seen her.
- I knew you had. What did you say to her?
Ain't she got fat!
- Nan.
- Oh, ain't she fat, that woman!
- Nan!
- Have you seen her lately?
Oh, she is a size.
Great big walloping article.
Oh! Have you seen it?
She looks like an elephant
walking along the street.
Great big fat arse
hanging off her.
What a liberty!
I shouldn't have
to look at that.
She's got a fat back
an' all, ain't she?
She's got a fat back, the woman.
Great, big, fat, dirty,
hairy, sweating back.
Terrible, innit? That is
very unfeminine on a woman.
Ah-ah-ah. Don't you say things
like that about people. Oh, no.
Not up my house, dear. No, no.
She has got an eating disorder.
Has she?
Course she has. She
can't fucking stop.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
- Nan, what did you say to her?
- I never said nothing to her.
- You didn't say anything?
- No.
- Nothing you might have forgotten?
- No, not me, dear.
- Nothing to upset her?
- No, no.
Are you sure?
It's like a mental
illness with you, innit?
How many more times?
On my first Holy Communion,
by all the saints in heaven,
as God is my judge,
I never said nothing to her.
Except what you said.
What?
I just told her what
you said, that's all.
What are you talking about?
You know, what you said about her husband.
That's all I said.
- I didn't say anything about her husband.
- Yes, you did.
You said her husband
looks like a murderer.
That's all I said.
What? No, I didn't.
Don't you lie to me, son. May I never move.
You sat there and you said,
"Her husband looks
like Charles Manson."
I said her husband looks
like Charles Bronson.
Oh.
I thought you said Manson. Only
I seen a programme about him.
That's what made me think of it, see?
You've seen what he's done, ain't ya?
Terrible, that is!
That is dreadful.
- Oh, my God!
- What? That's what I'm trying to tell ya.
Stop talking about people.
Mind your own business.
Keep that out of it
and keep that shut.
I mean, the poor man can't help
what he looks like, can he?
I mean, all right,
he's got a moustache.
It don't mean he's gonna
fucking kill no one!
I can't believe you, Nan.
Oh, she was terribly upset
when I told her that.
Well, it's not a nice
thing to hear, is it?
It was unexpected an' all.
That's what shocked her.
And to top it all, I don't think
she sees the resemblance herself.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
I brought this top back but
the shop's closed down.
Oh, bad luck.
What?
I hate that. That sort
of thing happens to me.
What do I do with it?
It's the wrong size.
You could wear it over your
shoulders with the sleeves knotted.
It's no good to me.
I don't want it.
Oh, that's very kind.
Erm… Ooh, I don't think
that would suit me.
I want to return it to the shop.
Do you know where they went?
- Who's that?
- The people that ran the shop.
Well, if the shop's closed down,
they've probably just… gone home.
- You won't believe what happened today.
- What?
- When I tell you, you'll leave me.
- I'll pack my bags, shall I?
- Yeah, you'll be right to.
- Let's hear it.
This is a classic.
What are you gonna say?
This morning I told you
my plans for the day.
- That's right.
- I said I'd go out early.
- I took your Bermudas back to Marks's.
- What's happened?
When I came back, I put the key in the
door and saw something on the floor.
- Our floor?
- Yeah. A note or something.
Well, it couldn't have been the post
'cause that came before I left.
- No, it was a letter thing.
- Not a love letter?
Shut up! Love letter!
- Who was it? George Clooney, I suppose?
- He wanted me to run away with him again!
- Done it before, have you?
- What?
- Eh?
- Shut up! Have I?
- Your face!
- I've gone all red now, ain't I?
- You look like a beetroot, you do.
- He won't want me now!
- Not looking like that!
- He'll send me home.
- Back to muggins here!
- You poor sod. It weren't really him.
- It was from the Post Office.
- What did they want?
It was one of them "We called today"
things, "but you weren't here".
- No!
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- We weren't expecting nothing, were we?
- I don't think so.
- Yeah, we were.
- Were we?
- Have a think.
- I dunno.
- You'll die when I tell you.
- I can't think!
What have I been waiting for? What's the one
thing I've been waiting to be delivered?
Not your catalogue?
Me catalogue!
(THEY LAUGH)
You ain't gone out the day they've
delivered your catalogue?
- Went out early, didn't I?
- Oh, you make me die!
I should be locked up!
- What did you do?
- I've had to ring 'em up, ain't I?
- What must they think?
- They must think I'm a lunatic!
- What did you say?
- I was so embarrassed.
I said, "I'm sorry I weren't in when
you came to deliver me catalogue."
"I've been waiting for
it for ages, only I went"
out early and it completely
slipped me mind.
- "You must think I'm mental!"
- What did they say?
It was only a recorded
voice, weren't it?!
It weren't!
Yeah. I'm chatting away, then it said,
"Press two to speak to an operator"!
(LAUGHING)
What you talking to
recorded voices for, babe?
I dunno!
(LAUGHING)
When I've realised, I've gone off, ain't I?
I was laughing so much!
I wish I'd been there!
Oh, my God! When I got
through to someone,
I said, "Don't laugh, but
I've been talking to"
that recording, thinking
someone was there."
"You came to deliver something and I'd gone
out." She said, "We'll come back tomorrow."
I've got off the phone, I've had
to sit down, I was so worn out.
How are you not famous?
I genuinely do not know.
- Oh, this is nice.
- It is nice. It's very nice.
Thank you. We think it's nice.
(SLURS) Nice? It's
certainly nice.
It's very, very nice.
I've just been out in the garden and I tell
you something, they've made it very nice.
Thank you. It was overgrown when we bought
it, but Terry's very good with plants.
Terry your husband? Maa…
Well, fancy making an offer?
- Well, we haven't…
- It's on for…
- What's it on for?
- 250,000.
- Is it really?
- Yes.
- You valued it for us.
- Did I really?
Yes. It's very competitively
priced for the market.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
She'll take 240 for it,
because you're going
to have to spend a
couple of thousand on it
just to get rid of the
smell of… (SNIFFS)
Sex!
Could we, er… look round?
Oh, it's pretty standard.
Three bedrooms.
Well, two, and one cupboard you could stick
a kid in. Have you got any children?
- No.
- Really? I'm sorry.
Me and my big mouth!
No, it's all right.
We can have children,
it's just we decided against it.
Right.
- Why don't I show you the kitchen?
- OK. Thank you.
(GASPS) Oh, I love those units!
The chrome works so well in here.
I love it.
Thank you.
Jesus Christ! What the hell
have you done in here?
- Terry put them in.
- Terry your husband?
Before he left.
Aw!
"Silent Witness"!
I think they're great. I love a
bit of chrome in the kitchen.
That would explain the no
children policy, then!
I'm sorry?
You know what they say about a man
who likes chrome in his kitchen.
No, what do they say?
Likes a bit of cock up his arse.
You have a bad attitude
and a filthy mind.
I thank you.
Do you dream about it?
- Do you dream about it?
- Now look…
No kids, drives a big
black Cherokee Jeep,
likes chrome, not to mention the cheap
aftershave and the cropped hair.
You big old bender!
You are a disgrace
to your profession.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm an estate agent!
All right? What you
doing all dressed up for?
I'm going to that
party, ain't I?
You ain't got no business wearing that.
What party?
Darren's party, innit?
It's gonna be mash up.
I don't know about no party.
You thick or something? He told us about it
last week. Party tonight. Saturday, innit?
- All right?
- All right.
- You ready, Lise?
- Yeah. Listen.
- She didn't know there was a party at all.
- I know.
- What?
- She ain't invited.
- What?
- Am I bothered?
Don't worry about it. Just come along.
They won't mind.
- He will mind. He don't like you.
- Am I bothered, though?
- What will you do?
- Nothing. Do I look like I'm bothered?
Do I look like I'm bothered?
- Is my face bothered?
- Why don't you just…?
I ain't even bothered.
Ask me if I'm bothered.
- Ask me if I'm bothered.
- That's… Are you bothered?
- No. Who told you I was bothered?
- She don't care.
She does, though.
She don't give, mate.
We got to chip, mate.
- I want her to come!
- She can't pitch up in that.
- Are you calling me a pikey?
- What?
Are you disrespecting me? Are you disrespecting
my family? Are you calling my mum poor?
- Are you calling my dad a wino?
- Calm down.
My dad's not even a wino.
He ain't even a wino, though.
That was well out of order. I ain't
going now. You're disrespecting people.
- Innit, though?
- I don't need it, mate.
- But…
- She don't need it. She don't need it, mate.
She ain't going, though.
You're on your jack, mate.
- I'll go without you, then.
- She ain't bothered.
I think your dad's come
to pick you up, innit?
(WOMAN) Elaine Figgis is 34 and lives in
York. She works part-time in a local bakery.
She has been corresponding via the Internet
with people from all over the world.
She refers to them as her global family.
Her latest pen pal, however, has
proved to be something special.
Although they have never met, Elaine
is about to travel alone to America,
where they intend to marry.
(WOMAN) How long will you be away?
Just over a week, but even
that's caused a few disruptions.
I've asked my friend
Jackie to cover my line
dancing classes. She's
not qualified to teach,
but, erm… she and her husband Rex
were regional champions '98, '99,
plus she's got boots
with lights in the heel
which will give her some
status within the group.
Jeremiah Wainwright III.
That's his full title.
But the title the media
have given him is?
The Cleaver. That's right.
Unfortunately, a
few small-minded people
have called him that.
Jeremiah can't come
to England, can he?
He'll never be able to visit you in your
bakery because he's in Texas on death row.
- If you want to call it death row.
- What would you call it?
No. Yes, it's death row.
- So tell me about Jeremiah.
- What can I say?
He is a beautiful,
beautiful person.
(WOMAN) People call him
a cold-blooded serial killer.
I know, Tanya, and believe me,
there is hope for those people.
You say you've fallen in love with this
man, but how do you condone mass murder?
Life is a journey, and sometimes we make a
wrong turning - I know I have in the past.
Does that make me a bad person?
He abducted, tortured and
murdered eight people.
You don't know him like I know him.
Nobody does.
He also ate two of them.
Have you never done
anything you regret?
I've never eaten anyone.
So far.
Look, I do realise this isn't the typical
way that two people meet and fall in love,
but y'know, sometimes things happen
in life that nobody can explain.
I mean some people really can't
believe it's not butter!
Elaine, let's be honest.
The man's a criminal.
He's more than that, he's a cannibal.
He's a dangerous lunatic.
A serial killer who's been
put on trial, found guilty,
and is now incarcerated in a dirty, lonely
prison cell, waiting to be put to death.
You're making it all sound
a bit negative, Tanya.
There's always too
many ready to judge.
When people hear about Jerry's chosen path,
they can't wait to jump on the bandwagon.
"Oh, you're marrying a cannibal.
Oh, he ate two people!"
No, he didn't. He ate a bit of one
of them when he was a student,
which is a time when most of us are
experimenting with something new.
I know for a fact my
cousin once tried hashish.
And you honestly think
he's capable of love?
Not before.
That's because up until he had met
me, nobody had ever shown him love.
I taught Jerry how
to love himself.
As Danny Kaye once said, "You can't love the
world until you've settled for yourself."
Or as my dad used to say, "The man who
can give himself a hug every day"
"truly has the
arms of a gibbon."
But… yeah.
Today I am Elaine Figgis.
Tomorrow I shall be Mrs
Jeremiah Wainwright III.
It's been a long wait.
It hasn't always been easy, but
it's definitely been worth it.
True love will conquer all.
The question people will
be thinking is "Will you"
have any conjugal rights
during your visit?"
No. Penitentiary regulations don't
allow for that sort of thing,
but in a way, it
doesn't really matter.
Obviously, our relationship has never
been based on anything physical.
You could say it's been a meeting
of minds more than anything else,
plus for 24 hours a day, he
has to wear a muzzle, so… no.
I'm looking for a broken window service.
Someone reliable.
You won't find anyone reliable who
goes around breaking windows.
- I need someone to replace some windows.
- Oh, I don't know of anyone.
My cousin once got rid of an old
sofa for me but he lives in Leeds.
No, I need a professional.
Like a hit man?
A professional window
replacement service.
Oh, I am sorry!
- You mean like a glazier?
- Yeah. Exactly.
There's a company that does same-day
installations and repairs called Heart of Glass.
They're in this shopping centre?
They're in this shopping
centre… Are they?
- Sorry. I thought you just said they were.
- I don't think so.
They're based near
my cousin in Leeds.
I don't know of a glass company
in the shopping centre.
Is there anything else
I could help you with?
Yes, I also need a
blind specialist.
Somebody who fits and supplies blinds?
No, we don't have one.
Did you get my piccalilli? You
didn't bother, did you? Nah.
I asked you to get a little jar.
That's all I
wanted. I don't want a
bucketload of it, do I?
Just a little bit to have with me
boiled bacon 'cause it goes on lovely.
It's tangy, but, no, you didn't bother,
did you? Too much trouble, was it?
I didn't think it was too much to ask,
but no, too much trouble, innit, eh?
Too much trouble for
you, innit, eh?
Too much trouble for you!
- I'll get it now.
- What? I don't want it now!
Don't you bring it up here now.
Don't you bring it in this house.
You do, I'll tip it
in the fucking bin!
I'd choke on it!
No, no. It's too late now.
No, no.
Go on. Piss off out of it, you!
What do you keep
hanging round me for?
All right. I'll be off, then.
Are you going, then, darling?
- I'll see you tomorrow, though?
- Ta-ta.
Ta-ta, sweetheart See you tomorrow.
Yeah.
That's it - leave me on me own!
- (BEEPING)
- Agh!
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪
Oh!
Oh. Typical - Paula.
Agh!
Ooh, it's from your mum.
Excuse me. I've lost my mum.
Oh, I'm really sorry
to hear that.
It just creeps up at you at the
most peculiar times, doesn't it?
Did she have a good innings?
She's not dead. I
just can't find her.
Oh. My God!
(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you meant…
It's OK. We just got
split up along the way.
Oh, I see.
Sorry. Is it possible to
make an announcement?
I don't see why not. What would
you like to say about it?
- No, I mean do you have a speaker system?
- A speaker system?
To make an announcement
about my mother.
A speaker system to make an
announcement about your mother?
That would be a waste of money unless
she gets lost here on a regular basis.
Do you have a meeting point?
I know some people meet out
the front near the bus stops,
but they're mainly kids.
No, I mean do you have a
meeting point for lost people?
Well, if they're lost, they
probably won't find it.
She'll be 83 at the weekend.
I… I don't know what to do.
I wouldn't have a
surprise party.
She doesn't want any sudden
shocks at that age, does she?
- Does she like muffins?
- What?
There are shops selling
muffins and cookies.
Is there one on this floor?
Oh, I'm not sure.
(SNIFFS)
You can usually smell
them, can't you?
What, the muffins?
No, old people.
(TANNOY) Will Judy Wallis please
go to the third-floor cafe
where your mother
is waiting for you?
Somebody must be lost.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- You wanted to see me, Sister?
- Yes, Bernie. Sit down.
I bought you a toffee-flavoured
choco-lite, Sister, on the off-chance.
Not for me, thank you, Bernie.
Should I give it to Mark?
Only I can't manage two...
unless this'll take a long time, in
which case I'll get a Snickers as well.
No. Put the drinks on
the desk and sit down.
One of these has got
three sugars in it.
- Do you know why you're here?
- Is it about last night?
- Yes, it is about last night.
- (SHE SIGHS)
Your birthday stunt may have gone unnoticed
had the Xerox machine not jammed.
You can imagine Dr Barker's surprise when,
trying to photocopy his memos this morning,
he was presented with 40 black-and-white
A3 enlargements of your bottom.
I can explain that, actually,
how that came about.
Not only that, it now seems the
copier has gone into shock
and can only print A3
enlargements of your bottom.
Sister O'Brien is copying out
the rotas by hand as we speak.
Right. I can explain that, Sister,
how that came about, like.
- Please, be my guest.
- Right…
What, now?
There was no harm done. You
know what us girls are like.
I bet you're a bit of a dark horse
yourself when you get going!
I didn't mean to upset anyone.
Look at it from my position.
What do I tell
Dr Barker when he asks
why several dozen copies of your backside
are circulating on various male wards?
- It was just for the crack.
- Is that supposed to be funny, Bernie?
No, Sister.
Oh, my God! The crack!
Oh, no, that's still too hot.
- A Mr Blackwood's complained about you.
- He's complained about me?
Something you said while
giving him a blanket bath.
Something about a boat.
"Sweet mother of Jesus! It's like
trying to raise the Titanic!"
I'm sorry, Sister.
I really feel you've let us all down
this time, Bernie, not just yourself.
I've no choice but to give
you a written warning.
♪ Raindrops on roses
and whiskers on kittens
♪ Bright copper kettles
and warm woollen mittens
♪ Brown paper packages tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things ♪
- Bernie!
- ♪ when the dog bites
- ♪ when the bee stings ♪
- What are you doing?
I was just trying to
lighten the situation.
Take these.
Make sure you read them.
Sign them both. Keep one, and hand
the other one in at the main office.
Now, if you'd like to
get back to your work…
Sorry.
Oh, God! This one's yours.
Get out!
Agh!
Julie, it's Margaret.
Did you want me?
(DOOR SLAMS)
- Is that you, darling?
- Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
- You all right?
- Yeah, lovely. You come up and see me?
- Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya?
- Yeah.
I noticed that. Oh,
you are a good boy.
You are a darling child.
Here, Nan. You seen Jean lately?
- Who?
- Jean.
- Jean?
- Yeah. Have you seen her?
- Jean who?
- Jean. Jean!
- Who's Jean?
- How many Jean's do you know?
I don't know no Jean's.
Jean from over the road.
Jean Baker.
- You went to school with her mother.
- Oh, yes.
Is she called Jean?
- You know she is.
- What about her?
- Have you seen her?
- No. What's happened to her?
- Nothing. I'm asking if you've seen her.
- I ain't seen her.
- You've not seen Jean?
- No.
- You've not seen Jean from over the road?
- No.
Are you sure?
Course I'm sure. What's
the matter with ya?
I ain't seen no one. I
ain't seen a living soul.
- I ain't been outside me door.
- So you've definitely not seen Jean?
What are ya, a fucking
dunce or something?
I haven't seen no fucking Jean, OK? God
forgive me for swearing. You made me do that.
All right.
You're obsessed with
the woman, ain't ya?
Well… no, it's just that I saw her
today and usually she's very friendly,
but today she ignored me. You
sure you haven't seen her?
- Who?
- Jean!
- Oh, yes. I've seen her.
- I knew you had. What did you say to her?
Ain't she got fat!
- Nan.
- Oh, ain't she fat, that woman!
- Nan!
- Have you seen her lately?
Oh, she is a size.
Great big walloping article.
Oh! Have you seen it?
She looks like an elephant
walking along the street.
Great big fat arse
hanging off her.
What a liberty!
I shouldn't have
to look at that.
She's got a fat back
an' all, ain't she?
She's got a fat back, the woman.
Great, big, fat, dirty,
hairy, sweating back.
Terrible, innit? That is
very unfeminine on a woman.
Ah-ah-ah. Don't you say things
like that about people. Oh, no.
Not up my house, dear. No, no.
She has got an eating disorder.
Has she?
Course she has. She
can't fucking stop.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
- Nan, what did you say to her?
- I never said nothing to her.
- You didn't say anything?
- No.
- Nothing you might have forgotten?
- No, not me, dear.
- Nothing to upset her?
- No, no.
Are you sure?
It's like a mental
illness with you, innit?
How many more times?
On my first Holy Communion,
by all the saints in heaven,
as God is my judge,
I never said nothing to her.
Except what you said.
What?
I just told her what
you said, that's all.
What are you talking about?
You know, what you said about her husband.
That's all I said.
- I didn't say anything about her husband.
- Yes, you did.
You said her husband
looks like a murderer.
That's all I said.
What? No, I didn't.
Don't you lie to me, son. May I never move.
You sat there and you said,
"Her husband looks
like Charles Manson."
I said her husband looks
like Charles Bronson.
Oh.
I thought you said Manson. Only
I seen a programme about him.
That's what made me think of it, see?
You've seen what he's done, ain't ya?
Terrible, that is!
That is dreadful.
- Oh, my God!
- What? That's what I'm trying to tell ya.
Stop talking about people.
Mind your own business.
Keep that out of it
and keep that shut.
I mean, the poor man can't help
what he looks like, can he?
I mean, all right,
he's got a moustache.
It don't mean he's gonna
fucking kill no one!
I can't believe you, Nan.
Oh, she was terribly upset
when I told her that.
Well, it's not a nice
thing to hear, is it?
It was unexpected an' all.
That's what shocked her.
And to top it all, I don't think
she sees the resemblance herself.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
I brought this top back but
the shop's closed down.
Oh, bad luck.
What?
I hate that. That sort
of thing happens to me.
What do I do with it?
It's the wrong size.
You could wear it over your
shoulders with the sleeves knotted.
It's no good to me.
I don't want it.
Oh, that's very kind.
Erm… Ooh, I don't think
that would suit me.
I want to return it to the shop.
Do you know where they went?
- Who's that?
- The people that ran the shop.
Well, if the shop's closed down,
they've probably just… gone home.
- You won't believe what happened today.
- What?
- When I tell you, you'll leave me.
- I'll pack my bags, shall I?
- Yeah, you'll be right to.
- Let's hear it.
This is a classic.
What are you gonna say?
This morning I told you
my plans for the day.
- That's right.
- I said I'd go out early.
- I took your Bermudas back to Marks's.
- What's happened?
When I came back, I put the key in the
door and saw something on the floor.
- Our floor?
- Yeah. A note or something.
Well, it couldn't have been the post
'cause that came before I left.
- No, it was a letter thing.
- Not a love letter?
Shut up! Love letter!
- Who was it? George Clooney, I suppose?
- He wanted me to run away with him again!
- Done it before, have you?
- What?
- Eh?
- Shut up! Have I?
- Your face!
- I've gone all red now, ain't I?
- You look like a beetroot, you do.
- He won't want me now!
- Not looking like that!
- He'll send me home.
- Back to muggins here!
- You poor sod. It weren't really him.
- It was from the Post Office.
- What did they want?
It was one of them "We called today"
things, "but you weren't here".
- No!
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- We weren't expecting nothing, were we?
- I don't think so.
- Yeah, we were.
- Were we?
- Have a think.
- I dunno.
- You'll die when I tell you.
- I can't think!
What have I been waiting for? What's the one
thing I've been waiting to be delivered?
Not your catalogue?
Me catalogue!
(THEY LAUGH)
You ain't gone out the day they've
delivered your catalogue?
- Went out early, didn't I?
- Oh, you make me die!
I should be locked up!
- What did you do?
- I've had to ring 'em up, ain't I?
- What must they think?
- They must think I'm a lunatic!
- What did you say?
- I was so embarrassed.
I said, "I'm sorry I weren't in when
you came to deliver me catalogue."
"I've been waiting for
it for ages, only I went"
out early and it completely
slipped me mind.
- "You must think I'm mental!"
- What did they say?
It was only a recorded
voice, weren't it?!
It weren't!
Yeah. I'm chatting away, then it said,
"Press two to speak to an operator"!
(LAUGHING)
What you talking to
recorded voices for, babe?
I dunno!
(LAUGHING)
When I've realised, I've gone off, ain't I?
I was laughing so much!
I wish I'd been there!
Oh, my God! When I got
through to someone,
I said, "Don't laugh, but
I've been talking to"
that recording, thinking
someone was there."
"You came to deliver something and I'd gone
out." She said, "We'll come back tomorrow."
I've got off the phone, I've had
to sit down, I was so worn out.
How are you not famous?
I genuinely do not know.
- Oh, this is nice.
- It is nice. It's very nice.
Thank you. We think it's nice.
(SLURS) Nice? It's
certainly nice.
It's very, very nice.
I've just been out in the garden and I tell
you something, they've made it very nice.
Thank you. It was overgrown when we bought
it, but Terry's very good with plants.
Terry your husband? Maa…
Well, fancy making an offer?
- Well, we haven't…
- It's on for…
- What's it on for?
- 250,000.
- Is it really?
- Yes.
- You valued it for us.
- Did I really?
Yes. It's very competitively
priced for the market.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
She'll take 240 for it,
because you're going
to have to spend a
couple of thousand on it
just to get rid of the
smell of… (SNIFFS)
Sex!
Could we, er… look round?
Oh, it's pretty standard.
Three bedrooms.
Well, two, and one cupboard you could stick
a kid in. Have you got any children?
- No.
- Really? I'm sorry.
Me and my big mouth!
No, it's all right.
We can have children,
it's just we decided against it.
Right.
- Why don't I show you the kitchen?
- OK. Thank you.
(GASPS) Oh, I love those units!
The chrome works so well in here.
I love it.
Thank you.
Jesus Christ! What the hell
have you done in here?
- Terry put them in.
- Terry your husband?
Before he left.
Aw!
"Silent Witness"!
I think they're great. I love a
bit of chrome in the kitchen.
That would explain the no
children policy, then!
I'm sorry?
You know what they say about a man
who likes chrome in his kitchen.
No, what do they say?
Likes a bit of cock up his arse.
You have a bad attitude
and a filthy mind.
I thank you.
Do you dream about it?
- Do you dream about it?
- Now look…
No kids, drives a big
black Cherokee Jeep,
likes chrome, not to mention the cheap
aftershave and the cropped hair.
You big old bender!
You are a disgrace
to your profession.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm an estate agent!
All right? What you
doing all dressed up for?
I'm going to that
party, ain't I?
You ain't got no business wearing that.
What party?
Darren's party, innit?
It's gonna be mash up.
I don't know about no party.
You thick or something? He told us about it
last week. Party tonight. Saturday, innit?
- All right?
- All right.
- You ready, Lise?
- Yeah. Listen.
- She didn't know there was a party at all.
- I know.
- What?
- She ain't invited.
- What?
- Am I bothered?
Don't worry about it. Just come along.
They won't mind.
- He will mind. He don't like you.
- Am I bothered, though?
- What will you do?
- Nothing. Do I look like I'm bothered?
Do I look like I'm bothered?
- Is my face bothered?
- Why don't you just…?
I ain't even bothered.
Ask me if I'm bothered.
- Ask me if I'm bothered.
- That's… Are you bothered?
- No. Who told you I was bothered?
- She don't care.
She does, though.
She don't give, mate.
We got to chip, mate.
- I want her to come!
- She can't pitch up in that.
- Are you calling me a pikey?
- What?
Are you disrespecting me? Are you disrespecting
my family? Are you calling my mum poor?
- Are you calling my dad a wino?
- Calm down.
My dad's not even a wino.
He ain't even a wino, though.
That was well out of order. I ain't
going now. You're disrespecting people.
- Innit, though?
- I don't need it, mate.
- But…
- She don't need it. She don't need it, mate.
She ain't going, though.
You're on your jack, mate.
- I'll go without you, then.
- She ain't bothered.
I think your dad's come
to pick you up, innit?
(WOMAN) Elaine Figgis is 34 and lives in
York. She works part-time in a local bakery.
She has been corresponding via the Internet
with people from all over the world.
She refers to them as her global family.
Her latest pen pal, however, has
proved to be something special.
Although they have never met, Elaine
is about to travel alone to America,
where they intend to marry.
(WOMAN) How long will you be away?
Just over a week, but even
that's caused a few disruptions.
I've asked my friend
Jackie to cover my line
dancing classes. She's
not qualified to teach,
but, erm… she and her husband Rex
were regional champions '98, '99,
plus she's got boots
with lights in the heel
which will give her some
status within the group.
Jeremiah Wainwright III.
That's his full title.
But the title the media
have given him is?
The Cleaver. That's right.
Unfortunately, a
few small-minded people
have called him that.
Jeremiah can't come
to England, can he?
He'll never be able to visit you in your
bakery because he's in Texas on death row.
- If you want to call it death row.
- What would you call it?
No. Yes, it's death row.
- So tell me about Jeremiah.
- What can I say?
He is a beautiful,
beautiful person.
(WOMAN) People call him
a cold-blooded serial killer.
I know, Tanya, and believe me,
there is hope for those people.
You say you've fallen in love with this
man, but how do you condone mass murder?
Life is a journey, and sometimes we make a
wrong turning - I know I have in the past.
Does that make me a bad person?
He abducted, tortured and
murdered eight people.
You don't know him like I know him.
Nobody does.
He also ate two of them.
Have you never done
anything you regret?
I've never eaten anyone.
So far.
Look, I do realise this isn't the typical
way that two people meet and fall in love,
but y'know, sometimes things happen
in life that nobody can explain.
I mean some people really can't
believe it's not butter!
Elaine, let's be honest.
The man's a criminal.
He's more than that, he's a cannibal.
He's a dangerous lunatic.
A serial killer who's been
put on trial, found guilty,
and is now incarcerated in a dirty, lonely
prison cell, waiting to be put to death.
You're making it all sound
a bit negative, Tanya.
There's always too
many ready to judge.
When people hear about Jerry's chosen path,
they can't wait to jump on the bandwagon.
"Oh, you're marrying a cannibal.
Oh, he ate two people!"
No, he didn't. He ate a bit of one
of them when he was a student,
which is a time when most of us are
experimenting with something new.
I know for a fact my
cousin once tried hashish.
And you honestly think
he's capable of love?
Not before.
That's because up until he had met
me, nobody had ever shown him love.
I taught Jerry how
to love himself.
As Danny Kaye once said, "You can't love the
world until you've settled for yourself."
Or as my dad used to say, "The man who
can give himself a hug every day"
"truly has the
arms of a gibbon."
But… yeah.
Today I am Elaine Figgis.
Tomorrow I shall be Mrs
Jeremiah Wainwright III.
It's been a long wait.
It hasn't always been easy, but
it's definitely been worth it.
True love will conquer all.
The question people will
be thinking is "Will you"
have any conjugal rights
during your visit?"
No. Penitentiary regulations don't
allow for that sort of thing,
but in a way, it
doesn't really matter.
Obviously, our relationship has never
been based on anything physical.
You could say it's been a meeting
of minds more than anything else,
plus for 24 hours a day, he
has to wear a muzzle, so… no.
I'm looking for a broken window service.
Someone reliable.
You won't find anyone reliable who
goes around breaking windows.
- I need someone to replace some windows.
- Oh, I don't know of anyone.
My cousin once got rid of an old
sofa for me but he lives in Leeds.
No, I need a professional.
Like a hit man?
A professional window
replacement service.
Oh, I am sorry!
- You mean like a glazier?
- Yeah. Exactly.
There's a company that does same-day
installations and repairs called Heart of Glass.
They're in this shopping centre?
They're in this shopping
centre… Are they?
- Sorry. I thought you just said they were.
- I don't think so.
They're based near
my cousin in Leeds.
I don't know of a glass company
in the shopping centre.
Is there anything else
I could help you with?
Yes, I also need a
blind specialist.
Somebody who fits and supplies blinds?
No, we don't have one.
Did you get my piccalilli? You
didn't bother, did you? Nah.
I asked you to get a little jar.
That's all I
wanted. I don't want a
bucketload of it, do I?
Just a little bit to have with me
boiled bacon 'cause it goes on lovely.
It's tangy, but, no, you didn't bother,
did you? Too much trouble, was it?
I didn't think it was too much to ask,
but no, too much trouble, innit, eh?
Too much trouble for
you, innit, eh?
Too much trouble for you!
- I'll get it now.
- What? I don't want it now!
Don't you bring it up here now.
Don't you bring it in this house.
You do, I'll tip it
in the fucking bin!
I'd choke on it!
No, no. It's too late now.
No, no.
Go on. Piss off out of it, you!
What do you keep
hanging round me for?
All right. I'll be off, then.
Are you going, then, darling?
- I'll see you tomorrow, though?
- Ta-ta.
Ta-ta, sweetheart See you tomorrow.
Yeah.
That's it - leave me on me own!
- (BEEPING)
- Agh!
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ "Under the stars
on a big, hard rock"
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪