The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Car Party - full transcript
- (RUSTLE)
- Agh!
- (CLINK)
- Agh!
- (CRUNCH)
- Agh!
Jesus Christ!
It's like Piccadilly
Circus in here.
- (CRACKLING)
- Agh!
- (CRACKLING)
- Agh!
- (CRACKLING)
- Agh!
(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
Well…
Here we are, then.
- Well, thanks for a Lovely evening.
- No, thank YOU.
- Well, goodnight.
- "Night."
Claire!
Yes?
I don't really feel
like going home now.
Any chance of another drink?
Or a cup of coffee?
James, I know you
want to come in,
and I know you probably want more
than just a drink or a cup of coffee.
It's just that…
I'm not drunk enough.
- What's wrong, Claire? Don't you like me?
- Of course I like you.
I'm just not drunk enough
to find you attractive.
- Oh.
- I really want to be drunk enough.
- Why aren't you drunk now?
- I AM drunk now.
I can hardly stand up.
I'm just not drunk enough.
- Is there anything I can do?
- No…
because you're just
not attractive.
But I took you to the
Munich Beer Festival.
I know.
I thought that would
be it, and I tried.
I drank my own body-weight
in German beer.
I was completely out of my tree
the whole time we were there.
I got arrested.
Twice.
But it still wasn't enough.
- Maybe you'll never be drunk enough.
- Oh, James, I DO like you.
If only I could get so
spectacularly pissed I
just wasn't aware of
what you looked like.
There's an operation you can have which
allows more alcohol into your bloodstream.
James, no.
My liver's wrecked as it is.
I've drunk so much to try
and find you attractive,
the doctors say I may
be dead within a year.
Oh, Claire.
Goodnight, James.
Claire!
Give me a call.
(SIGHS)
- Did you see Beyoncé last night on TV?
- Yeah, man.
- She is well fit.
- That's a well nice song.
- Yeah. She's fit as well.
- She's better now she's left Destiny's.
- Much better, but the other two were fit, man.
- I love that tune.
Yeah, right. She's
well bing-bing.
- What?
- I said Beyoncé is well bing-bing.
- What is she, mate?
- She is bing-bing.
It's bling-bling, mate.
Bling-bling.
- What?
- Bling-bling!
- Bing-bing! That is bad!
- Am I bothered?
- That is funny. Take the shame, man.
- No. I ain't bothered.
- You've shown yourself up, innit?
- No, I ain't.
- That is funny.
- It ain't, actually.
- Just relax about it.
- Are you telling me what to do?
- Are you disrespecting me?
- No, I'm just…
You're disrespecting me.
- You're disrespecting me.
- I'm not disrespecting you. Just chill out, man.
- It WAS funny, though.
- Are you stupid?
- I'm just laughing.
- Are you stupid?
- I'm not laughing at you.
- Why don't you shut up, though?
- It's funny.
- I said shut up.
- Yeah, but…
- But I don't care, though.
- Come on, man.
- But I don't care.
- I'm not saying…
- I'm not bothered. I don't care, mate.
- That's not…
- I don't care. I ain't bothered.
I ain't bothered!
(TRILLING PHONE)
I think I can hear your
phone binging, mate.
- Are they gonna put Bobby on the stand?
- Hard to say. He's a kid.
It's a gamble.
Sometimes it pays off.
He's just a little boy.
He's the only eyewitness
the prosecution have.
- I don't want to put him through that.
- Then tell me the truth.
- I am telling you the truth.
- No, you're not.
You've never given me
a straight answer.
If you want your ass to
rot in jail, that's fine,
'cause that's just
where you're headed.
Until you start telling
me what really happened,
I can't defend you one
way or the other.
- Did you kill your husband?
- No!
But I tried to, and at
the time I meant it.
(MAN) That's a wrap.
Same set-up tomorrow.
(MAN) Scene 71, take one.
And action.
- Did you kill your husband?
- No!
But I tried to, and at
the time I meant it.
- Why?
- You know why.
- Don't say that.
- I can't live like this any more.
This wasn't the way to do this.
This is wrong.
- Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.
- Erin, don't.
Look at me and tell me
you don't feel it, too.
You know what? Is this working?
Is this right?
It seemed different yesterday.
Was yesterday different?
It felt different yesterday.
Is it just me? It's me.
It's fine. It's me.
OK, I'm sorry. Let's go again.
This wasn't the way to do this.
This is wrong.
- Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.
- Erin, don't.
Look at me and tell me
you don't feel it, too.
It's probably me.
Is this working?
Is anybody worried?
I'm not worried.
Is anybody worried?
(MAN) No.
Let's go for the kiss. And…
Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
- Are you all right?
- Come up and see me?
- Yeah.
Come up and see me, ain't ya? Yeah, I
noticed that. 'Ere, is it cold outside?
- Not very.
- I can tell it's cold outside
'cause it's cold in here, see?
It's gotta be cold outside if it's
cold in 'ere. It stands to reason.
It is cold in 'ere so it
must be cold outside.
Put a couple of bars on that
fire if you like, darling.
- I'm all right, actually, Nan.
- I don't mind. Go on.
Put a couple of bars on that fire.
Warm yourself up.
That's it.
(SIGHS)
Ain't it hot?
I'm roasting!
I can't breathe in
here, it's so warm.
I'll have to take a pair
of these tights off.
That's it.
'Ere… She was up 'ere
today, weren't she?
- Who's that?
- Home help.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah. Lacula something, innit?
- Elena.
- Who is it?
- Her name's Elena.
- Yeah.
She's from… She's from
somewhere, ain't she?
- Is she?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Definitely, yeah. What is it?
Czechoslovakia or something? Bulgaria?
It's one of them
oddmark countries.
- Poland.
- Who is it?
- She's from Poland.
- Yeah, well, I don't like her and that's it.
- Oh, God!
- I said to her, "Look, darling,"
"I'm not being funny, but I don't want you
coming 'ere no more if you don't mind."
Nan, you didn't!
She said to me, "Mrs
Taylor, you mustn't be"
so proud." I said, "What
you talking about?"
She said, "Do you not
want me coming no more"
"because you feel your
independence slipping away?"
I said, "No, I don't want you coming
'ere 'cause you're a fucking thief."
Nan, she's not
stealing from you.
What are you talking about?
Of course she is.
I watch her when she thinks I ain't
looking. Handfuls of gear she takes.
No, she doesn't.
"I'm just going to do
some ironing for you."
"All right, love," I say.
She was stuffing it in her bag.
It's a wonder I've got a stitch
of clothing to call me own!
- She's not taking your clothes.
- She's nicking me food an' all.
- I doubt it.
- She's nicking me food!
I wouldn't mind - I don't begrudge
'em having something to eat.
I always say to her,
"Would you like a nice
corned beef sandwich now
you're 'ere, love?"
"Oh, no, thank you," she says.
Then when me back's turned, she's
fucking shovelling it down her!
She's from Social Services.
Cunning little bastard!
- She'll probably make a complaint about you.
- Let her.
Dirty lowlife.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
- It's not funny, Nan.
- Oh, shut up.
You give me ear ache, you do.
You can't go around making complaints about
people when they've done nothing wrong.
It's me programme! Oh, it's on now.
I love this, I do.
Have you seen this? That
fat girl off "Emmerdale".
"Huge Big Frame."
- "You've Been Framed"?
- Yeah.
Have you seen it?
She goes round
with a cine camera
and she takes pictures
and then she shows it
to you on the telly.
It's comical, it is.
Mind you, she don't 'alf know
some fucking stupid people.
Have a look.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
Mummy, I dropped the egg
cleaver on the floor.
Thomas, you silly sausage.
Pop it on the side. Alice can put it
in the dishwasher when she gets home.
But, Mummy, you don't understand.
Chloe hasn't topped her egg yet.
Oh, crisis! Pass me the phone, Thomas.
Maybe we can catch her.
Come on. Quick sticks!
That silly girl never has
her mobile phone turned on.
Alice, what luck!
We're having a bit
of a situation here.
My egg can't breathe!
It's going to discolour.
Just calm down. Mummy's
taking care of it.
What is the shortest cycle on the
dishwasher? Six minutes? Oh, salvation!
- When can you get here?
- Tell her to take public transport.
Good thinking, Thomas. Take a taxi
and get here as soon as you can.
- Mummy, my egg!
- And call the school.
Tell them Thomas and Chloe won't be in
today. Calm down. We're going to be OK.
- Mummy, will Alice be OK?
- She's bound to worry about us.
She's only human, but there's
nothing we can do about that.
- No… Do you think we're cursed?
- Oh, my God! We're all going to die!
Now, I don't want
you girls to panic.
We're going to have to be
brave and sit this one out.
Oh, look, they're at the door.
- (CRIES)
- Turn the engine back on.
- What?
- Turn it on.
(STARTS CAR)
(C005)
Happy birthday!
Food's nearly ready.
- How about a drink?
- Great!
Do you want us to bring it out?
Um… Yeah.
It's just that she's only just this minute
gone off. We don't want to risk it.
Bring her inside. You can
put her in our room.
Are you mad? She's asleep. We
can't move her. That's insane.
Don't worry. It'll be
another few minutes.
- Trout dauphinoise.
- Thank God for Jamie Oliver.
Changed our lives!
I think I'll just pop
in and use their loo.
Shall I see you in there?
No. Do you remember that
baby I had six months ago?
Well, for the first time
in 36 hours, she appears
to be asleep, and if I
move her, she'll wake up,
and when she wakes up, I'm likely
to kill you and then kill myself,
so, no, I won't see you inside.
- Is that cake?
- Yeah, it's Sarah's birthday cake.
- I thought that was cake.
- It's lovely.
Is everyone having cake?
- Is it chocolate and buttercream?
- Chocolate fudge.
Chocolate fudge cake.
- I used to love that.
- Hm?
I said I used to love that.
Sorry, do you mind if I
just finish this email?
I'm not having any cake.
I'm cutting down.
- Sorry, do you want me to move it?
- No, it's fine.
I'm in the zone. And when I'm
in the zone I'm in the zone.
I haven't got any willpower.
- I'm being strict with myself.
- Well done.
It's dropping off. Guess
how much I've lost.
How much weight have I
lost since last Monday?
- I've no idea.
- Have a guess.
- I don't know.
- Come on. Look at me. Have a guess.
I didn't think you
needed to lose any weight.
Boring! How much? Just guess.
- It's difficult to say.
- Don't be annoying.
- Guess how much I've lost.
- I wouldn't like to.
A stone and a half?
A stone and a half?
A stone and a half in a week?
Oh, yeah, of course. Ten pounds?
Ten pounds?
I haven't got dysentery!
- Come on!
- Five pounds.
- Right. Forget it.
- Three?
Three pounds. You've
lost three pounds.
I've lost two pounds.
- That's a good start.
- Yes, it is.
Keep up the good work.
Happy now?!
- Michael!
- Yes?
- Are you all right?
- I can't find my mobile.
- Oh.
- I had it just a second ago.
It's like Beirut in here.
Can you call it from yours?
Yes.
- What are we gonna do with you, eh?
- Shh. Just let me listen.
- (TRILLING)
- Agh!
Gosh! It made me jump.
(SLURPING)
Stop slurping!
God!
Soup's so bloody noisy. They wouldn't make
soup if they had a baby of their own.
- It's Jamie Oliver.
- Well, it's too bloody noisy.
And it could do
with some pepper.
(NO SOUND)
(MOUTHS) That was lovely.
- We bought you a present.
- Oh, thank you.
Daddy, could you just take that?
Will you be joining
us for the main course?
Of your birthday lunch?
- Um…
- It depends. Is it going to be noisy?
- Sorry?
- The main course, is it very loud?
Well, it's trout, but it's dead.
Thank you.
I love Easter, don't you?
Hot cross buns.
- Easter eggs.
- I always eat too many.
- Biblical epics on the telly.
- They're a bit long for me.
That's the best bit. Lasts
the whole afternoon.
"Ben-Hur". I'll never
get enough of that.
Charlton Heston. All those extras. I saw
a documentary about the making of it.
Did you?
- Guess how many extras were in that film?
- Oh…
How many extras do you
reckon are in "Ben-Hur"?
- I've never seen it all the way through.
- Guess.
- No idea.
- You'll never guess.
Exactly! So, try!
Jesus Christ!
He was a speaking part.
How many extras?
- I don't have a clue.
- Come on.
- How many bloody extras?
- I don't know.
- Just guess.
- I can't think.
Guess!
A quarter of a million?
A quarter of a million?
In one film?
Half a million sandals?
- A thousand?
- I don't think so.
- 4,000.
- Right.
It broke the world record for
most extras in a film. How many?
- 30,000.
- Not that many.
- 10,000.
- Eight. 8,000.
8,000? Gosh, that's loads!
Yes, it is (!)
What about "Gladiator"?
Oh, get a life!
Did you speak to Lisa today?
Nah.
- You didn't speak to Lisa at work?
- No, I ain't seen her.
No?
Not Lisa, no.
Oh.
Not Lisa.
Oh, yeah - Lisa.
Lisa who?
I don't know. I never
knew her surname.
What is Lisa's surname?
Lisa who?
I don't know.
- Give her a ring!
- Who? Lisa?
- Yeah!
- No. I don't like to.
She might not even
be called Lisa.
Yeah.
- I might get us a dog.
- What, now?
- No! Weekend.
- What do we want to get a dog for?
- They're good company, ain't they?
- Yeah, that's true.
What sort of dog
are we gonna get?
I thought one of them
ones with the ears.
They've all got ears, babe.
No! The ones with the
big floppy ears.
- Prince Charles spaniel.
- Oh, yeah!
- They're sweet, ain't they?
- Yeah.
- Here, I just thought…
- What?
- That's a bit much, innit?
- What?
Calling a spaniel Prince Charles
just 'cause it's got big ears.
- He's probably used to it by now.
- Yeah.
No!
I'll tell you what, it's not
Prince Charles, it's King Charles.
No, no, he's still
definitely only a prince.
No, the dog with the big ears is
called a King Charles spaniel,
not a Prince Charles spaniel!
(LAUGHING)
What are you like?
Don't! I'm gonna pass out.
What am I gonna do with you?
Oh, my God! Why does it
always happen to me?
- You are a one-off!
- That was classic me.
(LAUGHING)
- Pass me that phone before I die.
- who you ringing?
Shh!
You are mental!
Oh! Shelley?
- Here we go!
- Shelley, you are not gonna believe this!
(LAUGHING)
- You'd better open the present.
- Don't you dare! Just open the card.
- It's rude.
- Just open the card.
(TINNY MUSIC BLASTS OUT)
♪ Congratulations and celebrations ♪
We thought it would be
best if we joined you.
Oh, this is lovely!
- It's surprisingly easy to…
- Shh. Could you keep it down a bit?
- Oh. Don't mind us (!)
- (CORK POPS)
Are you doing this on purpose?
It's a bottle of wine.
What else can I do?
Maybe you could slap her in the
face and wake her up properly.
Did you like the card?
- Brilliant, isn't it?
- ♪ Congratulations
♪ And celebrations… ♪
(GARBLED TINNY MUSIC)
Well…
Thanks for a lovely evening.
Yeah. Thanks so much.
Next time you should
come over to our car.
- (DOORS SLAM)
- ♪ Celebrations ♪
(BABY CRIES)
- (TOAST POPS UP)
- Agh!
- They say death has many faces, Whittaker.
- Do they, ma'am?
Oh, yeah - facially, you know.
It's a thing.
- What's the name of this joker?
- Barry Wheatley, ma'am.
He used to work for
the Anderson Brothers.
How do you know
he still doesn't?
Because he's dead, ma'am.
Is he?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, but is he?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, but is he really?
Yes, ma'am. He's
definitely dead.
Let's look at this from
a different angle.
I don't quite know
what you mean, ma'am.
Suppose for one moment,
Whittaker, none of this exists.
You, me. We all could be figments
of someone's imagination.
Whose imagination, ma'am?
Could be yours, Whittaker,
it could be mine.
Could be old Mrs Dawkin's who runs a pie
and mash shop down the Old Kent Road.
I'm not exactly sure where
you're going with this, ma'am.
It took Adam and Eve one minute to
fall from grace in the Garden of Eden,
and yet growing out a layered
bob can take forever.
You haven't got a clue where
I'm going with this, have you?
Well…
♪ I'm gonna use my arms,
gonna use my legs
♪ Gonna use my style,
gonna use my senses
♪ Gonna use my fingers
♪ Gonna use my-my
imagination, whoa
♪ 'Cause I'm gonna make you see
♪ There's nobody else here
♪ No one like me
♪ I'm special… ♪
Whittaker.
♪ Special…
♪ So special
♪ Special
♪ I'm gonna have some
of your attention
♪ Give it to me
♪ Ooh, why do you look so sad? ♪
Whittaker!
- They just accepted our offer!
- What offer?
- On the flat we want.
- Oh, well done!
They were asking 165,000 for it.
Guess how much we got it for?
- I don't know.
- Just guess.
163,500?
Yeah.
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "Let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ ”Under the stars
on a big, hard rock”
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪
- Agh!
- (CLINK)
- Agh!
- (CRUNCH)
- Agh!
Jesus Christ!
It's like Piccadilly
Circus in here.
- (CRACKLING)
- Agh!
- (CRACKLING)
- Agh!
- (CRACKLING)
- Agh!
(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
Well…
Here we are, then.
- Well, thanks for a Lovely evening.
- No, thank YOU.
- Well, goodnight.
- "Night."
Claire!
Yes?
I don't really feel
like going home now.
Any chance of another drink?
Or a cup of coffee?
James, I know you
want to come in,
and I know you probably want more
than just a drink or a cup of coffee.
It's just that…
I'm not drunk enough.
- What's wrong, Claire? Don't you like me?
- Of course I like you.
I'm just not drunk enough
to find you attractive.
- Oh.
- I really want to be drunk enough.
- Why aren't you drunk now?
- I AM drunk now.
I can hardly stand up.
I'm just not drunk enough.
- Is there anything I can do?
- No…
because you're just
not attractive.
But I took you to the
Munich Beer Festival.
I know.
I thought that would
be it, and I tried.
I drank my own body-weight
in German beer.
I was completely out of my tree
the whole time we were there.
I got arrested.
Twice.
But it still wasn't enough.
- Maybe you'll never be drunk enough.
- Oh, James, I DO like you.
If only I could get so
spectacularly pissed I
just wasn't aware of
what you looked like.
There's an operation you can have which
allows more alcohol into your bloodstream.
James, no.
My liver's wrecked as it is.
I've drunk so much to try
and find you attractive,
the doctors say I may
be dead within a year.
Oh, Claire.
Goodnight, James.
Claire!
Give me a call.
(SIGHS)
- Did you see Beyoncé last night on TV?
- Yeah, man.
- She is well fit.
- That's a well nice song.
- Yeah. She's fit as well.
- She's better now she's left Destiny's.
- Much better, but the other two were fit, man.
- I love that tune.
Yeah, right. She's
well bing-bing.
- What?
- I said Beyoncé is well bing-bing.
- What is she, mate?
- She is bing-bing.
It's bling-bling, mate.
Bling-bling.
- What?
- Bling-bling!
- Bing-bing! That is bad!
- Am I bothered?
- That is funny. Take the shame, man.
- No. I ain't bothered.
- You've shown yourself up, innit?
- No, I ain't.
- That is funny.
- It ain't, actually.
- Just relax about it.
- Are you telling me what to do?
- Are you disrespecting me?
- No, I'm just…
You're disrespecting me.
- You're disrespecting me.
- I'm not disrespecting you. Just chill out, man.
- It WAS funny, though.
- Are you stupid?
- I'm just laughing.
- Are you stupid?
- I'm not laughing at you.
- Why don't you shut up, though?
- It's funny.
- I said shut up.
- Yeah, but…
- But I don't care, though.
- Come on, man.
- But I don't care.
- I'm not saying…
- I'm not bothered. I don't care, mate.
- That's not…
- I don't care. I ain't bothered.
I ain't bothered!
(TRILLING PHONE)
I think I can hear your
phone binging, mate.
- Are they gonna put Bobby on the stand?
- Hard to say. He's a kid.
It's a gamble.
Sometimes it pays off.
He's just a little boy.
He's the only eyewitness
the prosecution have.
- I don't want to put him through that.
- Then tell me the truth.
- I am telling you the truth.
- No, you're not.
You've never given me
a straight answer.
If you want your ass to
rot in jail, that's fine,
'cause that's just
where you're headed.
Until you start telling
me what really happened,
I can't defend you one
way or the other.
- Did you kill your husband?
- No!
But I tried to, and at
the time I meant it.
(MAN) That's a wrap.
Same set-up tomorrow.
(MAN) Scene 71, take one.
And action.
- Did you kill your husband?
- No!
But I tried to, and at
the time I meant it.
- Why?
- You know why.
- Don't say that.
- I can't live like this any more.
This wasn't the way to do this.
This is wrong.
- Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.
- Erin, don't.
Look at me and tell me
you don't feel it, too.
You know what? Is this working?
Is this right?
It seemed different yesterday.
Was yesterday different?
It felt different yesterday.
Is it just me? It's me.
It's fine. It's me.
OK, I'm sorry. Let's go again.
This wasn't the way to do this.
This is wrong.
- Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.
- Erin, don't.
Look at me and tell me
you don't feel it, too.
It's probably me.
Is this working?
Is anybody worried?
I'm not worried.
Is anybody worried?
(MAN) No.
Let's go for the kiss. And…
Hello, Nan.
- Here he is!
- Are you all right?
- Come up and see me?
- Yeah.
Come up and see me, ain't ya? Yeah, I
noticed that. 'Ere, is it cold outside?
- Not very.
- I can tell it's cold outside
'cause it's cold in here, see?
It's gotta be cold outside if it's
cold in 'ere. It stands to reason.
It is cold in 'ere so it
must be cold outside.
Put a couple of bars on that
fire if you like, darling.
- I'm all right, actually, Nan.
- I don't mind. Go on.
Put a couple of bars on that fire.
Warm yourself up.
That's it.
(SIGHS)
Ain't it hot?
I'm roasting!
I can't breathe in
here, it's so warm.
I'll have to take a pair
of these tights off.
That's it.
'Ere… She was up 'ere
today, weren't she?
- Who's that?
- Home help.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah. Lacula something, innit?
- Elena.
- Who is it?
- Her name's Elena.
- Yeah.
She's from… She's from
somewhere, ain't she?
- Is she?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Definitely, yeah. What is it?
Czechoslovakia or something? Bulgaria?
It's one of them
oddmark countries.
- Poland.
- Who is it?
- She's from Poland.
- Yeah, well, I don't like her and that's it.
- Oh, God!
- I said to her, "Look, darling,"
"I'm not being funny, but I don't want you
coming 'ere no more if you don't mind."
Nan, you didn't!
She said to me, "Mrs
Taylor, you mustn't be"
so proud." I said, "What
you talking about?"
She said, "Do you not
want me coming no more"
"because you feel your
independence slipping away?"
I said, "No, I don't want you coming
'ere 'cause you're a fucking thief."
Nan, she's not
stealing from you.
What are you talking about?
Of course she is.
I watch her when she thinks I ain't
looking. Handfuls of gear she takes.
No, she doesn't.
"I'm just going to do
some ironing for you."
"All right, love," I say.
She was stuffing it in her bag.
It's a wonder I've got a stitch
of clothing to call me own!
- She's not taking your clothes.
- She's nicking me food an' all.
- I doubt it.
- She's nicking me food!
I wouldn't mind - I don't begrudge
'em having something to eat.
I always say to her,
"Would you like a nice
corned beef sandwich now
you're 'ere, love?"
"Oh, no, thank you," she says.
Then when me back's turned, she's
fucking shovelling it down her!
She's from Social Services.
Cunning little bastard!
- She'll probably make a complaint about you.
- Let her.
Dirty lowlife.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
- It's not funny, Nan.
- Oh, shut up.
You give me ear ache, you do.
You can't go around making complaints about
people when they've done nothing wrong.
It's me programme! Oh, it's on now.
I love this, I do.
Have you seen this? That
fat girl off "Emmerdale".
"Huge Big Frame."
- "You've Been Framed"?
- Yeah.
Have you seen it?
She goes round
with a cine camera
and she takes pictures
and then she shows it
to you on the telly.
It's comical, it is.
Mind you, she don't 'alf know
some fucking stupid people.
Have a look.
(CACKLING LAUGH)
Mummy, I dropped the egg
cleaver on the floor.
Thomas, you silly sausage.
Pop it on the side. Alice can put it
in the dishwasher when she gets home.
But, Mummy, you don't understand.
Chloe hasn't topped her egg yet.
Oh, crisis! Pass me the phone, Thomas.
Maybe we can catch her.
Come on. Quick sticks!
That silly girl never has
her mobile phone turned on.
Alice, what luck!
We're having a bit
of a situation here.
My egg can't breathe!
It's going to discolour.
Just calm down. Mummy's
taking care of it.
What is the shortest cycle on the
dishwasher? Six minutes? Oh, salvation!
- When can you get here?
- Tell her to take public transport.
Good thinking, Thomas. Take a taxi
and get here as soon as you can.
- Mummy, my egg!
- And call the school.
Tell them Thomas and Chloe won't be in
today. Calm down. We're going to be OK.
- Mummy, will Alice be OK?
- She's bound to worry about us.
She's only human, but there's
nothing we can do about that.
- No… Do you think we're cursed?
- Oh, my God! We're all going to die!
Now, I don't want
you girls to panic.
We're going to have to be
brave and sit this one out.
Oh, look, they're at the door.
- (CRIES)
- Turn the engine back on.
- What?
- Turn it on.
(STARTS CAR)
(C005)
Happy birthday!
Food's nearly ready.
- How about a drink?
- Great!
Do you want us to bring it out?
Um… Yeah.
It's just that she's only just this minute
gone off. We don't want to risk it.
Bring her inside. You can
put her in our room.
Are you mad? She's asleep. We
can't move her. That's insane.
Don't worry. It'll be
another few minutes.
- Trout dauphinoise.
- Thank God for Jamie Oliver.
Changed our lives!
I think I'll just pop
in and use their loo.
Shall I see you in there?
No. Do you remember that
baby I had six months ago?
Well, for the first time
in 36 hours, she appears
to be asleep, and if I
move her, she'll wake up,
and when she wakes up, I'm likely
to kill you and then kill myself,
so, no, I won't see you inside.
- Is that cake?
- Yeah, it's Sarah's birthday cake.
- I thought that was cake.
- It's lovely.
Is everyone having cake?
- Is it chocolate and buttercream?
- Chocolate fudge.
Chocolate fudge cake.
- I used to love that.
- Hm?
I said I used to love that.
Sorry, do you mind if I
just finish this email?
I'm not having any cake.
I'm cutting down.
- Sorry, do you want me to move it?
- No, it's fine.
I'm in the zone. And when I'm
in the zone I'm in the zone.
I haven't got any willpower.
- I'm being strict with myself.
- Well done.
It's dropping off. Guess
how much I've lost.
How much weight have I
lost since last Monday?
- I've no idea.
- Have a guess.
- I don't know.
- Come on. Look at me. Have a guess.
I didn't think you
needed to lose any weight.
Boring! How much? Just guess.
- It's difficult to say.
- Don't be annoying.
- Guess how much I've lost.
- I wouldn't like to.
A stone and a half?
A stone and a half?
A stone and a half in a week?
Oh, yeah, of course. Ten pounds?
Ten pounds?
I haven't got dysentery!
- Come on!
- Five pounds.
- Right. Forget it.
- Three?
Three pounds. You've
lost three pounds.
I've lost two pounds.
- That's a good start.
- Yes, it is.
Keep up the good work.
Happy now?!
- Michael!
- Yes?
- Are you all right?
- I can't find my mobile.
- Oh.
- I had it just a second ago.
It's like Beirut in here.
Can you call it from yours?
Yes.
- What are we gonna do with you, eh?
- Shh. Just let me listen.
- (TRILLING)
- Agh!
Gosh! It made me jump.
(SLURPING)
Stop slurping!
God!
Soup's so bloody noisy. They wouldn't make
soup if they had a baby of their own.
- It's Jamie Oliver.
- Well, it's too bloody noisy.
And it could do
with some pepper.
(NO SOUND)
(MOUTHS) That was lovely.
- We bought you a present.
- Oh, thank you.
Daddy, could you just take that?
Will you be joining
us for the main course?
Of your birthday lunch?
- Um…
- It depends. Is it going to be noisy?
- Sorry?
- The main course, is it very loud?
Well, it's trout, but it's dead.
Thank you.
I love Easter, don't you?
Hot cross buns.
- Easter eggs.
- I always eat too many.
- Biblical epics on the telly.
- They're a bit long for me.
That's the best bit. Lasts
the whole afternoon.
"Ben-Hur". I'll never
get enough of that.
Charlton Heston. All those extras. I saw
a documentary about the making of it.
Did you?
- Guess how many extras were in that film?
- Oh…
How many extras do you
reckon are in "Ben-Hur"?
- I've never seen it all the way through.
- Guess.
- No idea.
- You'll never guess.
Exactly! So, try!
Jesus Christ!
He was a speaking part.
How many extras?
- I don't have a clue.
- Come on.
- How many bloody extras?
- I don't know.
- Just guess.
- I can't think.
Guess!
A quarter of a million?
A quarter of a million?
In one film?
Half a million sandals?
- A thousand?
- I don't think so.
- 4,000.
- Right.
It broke the world record for
most extras in a film. How many?
- 30,000.
- Not that many.
- 10,000.
- Eight. 8,000.
8,000? Gosh, that's loads!
Yes, it is (!)
What about "Gladiator"?
Oh, get a life!
Did you speak to Lisa today?
Nah.
- You didn't speak to Lisa at work?
- No, I ain't seen her.
No?
Not Lisa, no.
Oh.
Not Lisa.
Oh, yeah - Lisa.
Lisa who?
I don't know. I never
knew her surname.
What is Lisa's surname?
Lisa who?
I don't know.
- Give her a ring!
- Who? Lisa?
- Yeah!
- No. I don't like to.
She might not even
be called Lisa.
Yeah.
- I might get us a dog.
- What, now?
- No! Weekend.
- What do we want to get a dog for?
- They're good company, ain't they?
- Yeah, that's true.
What sort of dog
are we gonna get?
I thought one of them
ones with the ears.
They've all got ears, babe.
No! The ones with the
big floppy ears.
- Prince Charles spaniel.
- Oh, yeah!
- They're sweet, ain't they?
- Yeah.
- Here, I just thought…
- What?
- That's a bit much, innit?
- What?
Calling a spaniel Prince Charles
just 'cause it's got big ears.
- He's probably used to it by now.
- Yeah.
No!
I'll tell you what, it's not
Prince Charles, it's King Charles.
No, no, he's still
definitely only a prince.
No, the dog with the big ears is
called a King Charles spaniel,
not a Prince Charles spaniel!
(LAUGHING)
What are you like?
Don't! I'm gonna pass out.
What am I gonna do with you?
Oh, my God! Why does it
always happen to me?
- You are a one-off!
- That was classic me.
(LAUGHING)
- Pass me that phone before I die.
- who you ringing?
Shh!
You are mental!
Oh! Shelley?
- Here we go!
- Shelley, you are not gonna believe this!
(LAUGHING)
- You'd better open the present.
- Don't you dare! Just open the card.
- It's rude.
- Just open the card.
(TINNY MUSIC BLASTS OUT)
♪ Congratulations and celebrations ♪
We thought it would be
best if we joined you.
Oh, this is lovely!
- It's surprisingly easy to…
- Shh. Could you keep it down a bit?
- Oh. Don't mind us (!)
- (CORK POPS)
Are you doing this on purpose?
It's a bottle of wine.
What else can I do?
Maybe you could slap her in the
face and wake her up properly.
Did you like the card?
- Brilliant, isn't it?
- ♪ Congratulations
♪ And celebrations… ♪
(GARBLED TINNY MUSIC)
Well…
Thanks for a lovely evening.
Yeah. Thanks so much.
Next time you should
come over to our car.
- (DOORS SLAM)
- ♪ Celebrations ♪
(BABY CRIES)
- (TOAST POPS UP)
- Agh!
- They say death has many faces, Whittaker.
- Do they, ma'am?
Oh, yeah - facially, you know.
It's a thing.
- What's the name of this joker?
- Barry Wheatley, ma'am.
He used to work for
the Anderson Brothers.
How do you know
he still doesn't?
Because he's dead, ma'am.
Is he?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, but is he?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, but is he really?
Yes, ma'am. He's
definitely dead.
Let's look at this from
a different angle.
I don't quite know
what you mean, ma'am.
Suppose for one moment,
Whittaker, none of this exists.
You, me. We all could be figments
of someone's imagination.
Whose imagination, ma'am?
Could be yours, Whittaker,
it could be mine.
Could be old Mrs Dawkin's who runs a pie
and mash shop down the Old Kent Road.
I'm not exactly sure where
you're going with this, ma'am.
It took Adam and Eve one minute to
fall from grace in the Garden of Eden,
and yet growing out a layered
bob can take forever.
You haven't got a clue where
I'm going with this, have you?
Well…
♪ I'm gonna use my arms,
gonna use my legs
♪ Gonna use my style,
gonna use my senses
♪ Gonna use my fingers
♪ Gonna use my-my
imagination, whoa
♪ 'Cause I'm gonna make you see
♪ There's nobody else here
♪ No one like me
♪ I'm special… ♪
Whittaker.
♪ Special…
♪ So special
♪ Special
♪ I'm gonna have some
of your attention
♪ Give it to me
♪ Ooh, why do you look so sad? ♪
Whittaker!
- They just accepted our offer!
- What offer?
- On the flat we want.
- Oh, well done!
They were asking 165,000 for it.
Guess how much we got it for?
- I don't know.
- Just guess.
163,500?
Yeah.
♪ I once met a man with
a sense of adventure
♪ He was dressed to
thrill wherever he went
♪ He said, "Let's make
love on a mountain top"
♪ ”Under the stars
on a big, hard rock”
♪ I said, "In these shoes?"
♪ "I don't think so!" ♪