The Catherine Tate Show (2004–2009): Season 0, Episode 0 - Comic Relief Special - full transcript
The one and only…
Miss Catherine Tate!
[APPLAUSE]
I can't believe we've
got double English
[SIGH]
English is well dry!
I don't see what's so great
about readin anyways!
No, readin's for LOSERS!
Innit though??
[SUCKS TEETH]
At least we've got a
new teacher today.
Yeah right, that'll
be a laugh, won't it?
[DOOR OPENS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Morning!
Alright…
As I'm sure you're aware,
my name is Mr Logan,
I'm your new English teacher,
nice to meet you all.
I hope you're all ready to get to grips
with some Elizabethan literature!
Let's all turn to page 53
in our poetry textbooks
I think we'll dive straight
in with the Bard himself.
Sir?
Yeah?
Are you English, sir?
No, I'm Scottish.
So you ain't English, then?
No, I'm British.
So you ain't English, then?
No, I'm not, but as you can see…
I do speak English.
But I can't understand
what you're saying, sir.
Well, clearly you can.
Sorry, are you talking
Scottish now?
No, I'm talking English.
Right. Don't sound like it!
OK, whatever you want. Now!
Let's get on with Shakespeare.
I don't think you're qualified
to teach us English!
I am perfectly qualified
to teach English.
I don't think you are, though.
You don't have to BE
English to teach it.
Right, have we got double
English, or double Scottish?
Is your name Lauren
Cooper, by any chance?
Yeah.
Why?
Your reputation precedes you.
Innit though?!
So, Shakespeare's sonnets!
Sir?
A sonnet is a poem
Sir?
- written in 40 lines
- Sir?
- the last two of which
- Sir?
- must form a rhyming couplet
- Sir?
Sir?
Yes, Lauren?
Can I aks you a question?
Not just now.
Can I aks you a
question, though?
Just wait.
But can I just aks you a question? I only want to aks you a question.
Can't I aks you a question? I'm just aksing you a question.
Can't I aks you a question?
What is it?
Are you the Doctor?
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Doctor who?
Innit though?!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
I dunno what you're
talking about.
You look like
Doctor Who, though!
I'm not Doctor Who, I'm
your English teacher!
I don't think you are, though.
Lauren…
I think you're a
945-year-old Time Lord!
Listen…
Did you just pitch up from Mars?
Don't be ridiculous.
- You know your house, right?
- What?
- You know your house?
- Yeah?
Is it bigger on the inside?
Be quiet!
Have you parked the
TARDIS on a meter?
Can we please get
back to Shakespeare?
[SUCKS TEETH]
Thank you!
So…
Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?
Right.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
You are the most insolent child I have
ever had the misfortune to teach.
Thank you.
You are pointless, repetitious
and extremely dull.
Bit like Shakespeare.
You're not even worthy
to mention his name.
William Shake... William
Shakespeare was a genius.
You, little madam,
are definitely not.
Now just sit there,
keep your mouth shut,
or I will fail you in this
whole module right now.
[SUCKS TEETH]
[LAUGHTER]
Amest I bovver-ed?
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
What?
Amest I bovver-ed, forsooth?
Lauren…
Looketh at my face!
- I don't…
- Looketh at my face!
Stop it.
Ist this a bovver-ed face
thou seest before thee?
Right, I'm calling your parents.
Are you disrespecting
the house of Cooper?
Art though calling my
mother a pox-ridden wench?
No.
Art thou calling my father
a goodly rotten apple?
Lauren…
- But he ain't even a goodly rotten apple.
- Listen to me…
- But he aint even a goodly rotten apple, though.
- That's enough.
- Face-eth!
- Lauren…
- Bovver-ed?
- Lauren…
- Look at it! My liege!
- Stop! That's it!
- My liege! My liege! My liege!
- No! Stop!
- Face-eth! Bovver-ed! Face-eth!
- Now! Stop!
- You take the high road and I'll take the low road.
- That's it!
I ain't even bovvered!
I ain't even bovvered! Look!
Face! Bovvered! Face!
Bovver-ed, face, bovver-ed, I
ain't even bovver-ed, my liege!
I be not bovver-ed, forsooth, I be not bovver-ed,
face, bovvered, I ain't even bovvered.
Face, bovvered, Shakespeare,
sonnets, I ain't even bovvered.
My mistress' eyes are
nuffin' like the sun
Coral is far more red
than her lips red
If snow be white, why
then her breasts are dun
If hair be wires, black
wires grow on her head
I have seen roses
damask, red and white
But no such roses
see I in her cheeks
And in some perfume
is there more delight
Than in the breath that
from my mistress reeks
I love to hear her speak yet well I know
that music have a far more pleasing sound
I grant I never saw a goddess go. My
mistress when she walks treads on the ground
And yet, by Heaven, I
think my love as rare
As any she belies
with false compare.
[SLAMS DESK]
Bite me, alien boi!
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
[ELECTRONIC HUMMING]
[PULSING]
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
That's better!
A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet!
[LAUGHTER, GROANS]
[HIGH-PITCHED]
I still ain't bovvered!
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Miss Catherine Tate!
[APPLAUSE]
I can't believe we've
got double English
[SIGH]
English is well dry!
I don't see what's so great
about readin anyways!
No, readin's for LOSERS!
Innit though??
[SUCKS TEETH]
At least we've got a
new teacher today.
Yeah right, that'll
be a laugh, won't it?
[DOOR OPENS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Morning!
Alright…
As I'm sure you're aware,
my name is Mr Logan,
I'm your new English teacher,
nice to meet you all.
I hope you're all ready to get to grips
with some Elizabethan literature!
Let's all turn to page 53
in our poetry textbooks
I think we'll dive straight
in with the Bard himself.
Sir?
Yeah?
Are you English, sir?
No, I'm Scottish.
So you ain't English, then?
No, I'm British.
So you ain't English, then?
No, I'm not, but as you can see…
I do speak English.
But I can't understand
what you're saying, sir.
Well, clearly you can.
Sorry, are you talking
Scottish now?
No, I'm talking English.
Right. Don't sound like it!
OK, whatever you want. Now!
Let's get on with Shakespeare.
I don't think you're qualified
to teach us English!
I am perfectly qualified
to teach English.
I don't think you are, though.
You don't have to BE
English to teach it.
Right, have we got double
English, or double Scottish?
Is your name Lauren
Cooper, by any chance?
Yeah.
Why?
Your reputation precedes you.
Innit though?!
So, Shakespeare's sonnets!
Sir?
A sonnet is a poem
Sir?
- written in 40 lines
- Sir?
- the last two of which
- Sir?
- must form a rhyming couplet
- Sir?
Sir?
Yes, Lauren?
Can I aks you a question?
Not just now.
Can I aks you a
question, though?
Just wait.
But can I just aks you a question? I only want to aks you a question.
Can't I aks you a question? I'm just aksing you a question.
Can't I aks you a question?
What is it?
Are you the Doctor?
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Doctor who?
Innit though?!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
I dunno what you're
talking about.
You look like
Doctor Who, though!
I'm not Doctor Who, I'm
your English teacher!
I don't think you are, though.
Lauren…
I think you're a
945-year-old Time Lord!
Listen…
Did you just pitch up from Mars?
Don't be ridiculous.
- You know your house, right?
- What?
- You know your house?
- Yeah?
Is it bigger on the inside?
Be quiet!
Have you parked the
TARDIS on a meter?
Can we please get
back to Shakespeare?
[SUCKS TEETH]
Thank you!
So…
Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?
Right.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
You are the most insolent child I have
ever had the misfortune to teach.
Thank you.
You are pointless, repetitious
and extremely dull.
Bit like Shakespeare.
You're not even worthy
to mention his name.
William Shake... William
Shakespeare was a genius.
You, little madam,
are definitely not.
Now just sit there,
keep your mouth shut,
or I will fail you in this
whole module right now.
[SUCKS TEETH]
[LAUGHTER]
Amest I bovver-ed?
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
What?
Amest I bovver-ed, forsooth?
Lauren…
Looketh at my face!
- I don't…
- Looketh at my face!
Stop it.
Ist this a bovver-ed face
thou seest before thee?
Right, I'm calling your parents.
Are you disrespecting
the house of Cooper?
Art though calling my
mother a pox-ridden wench?
No.
Art thou calling my father
a goodly rotten apple?
Lauren…
- But he ain't even a goodly rotten apple.
- Listen to me…
- But he aint even a goodly rotten apple, though.
- That's enough.
- Face-eth!
- Lauren…
- Bovver-ed?
- Lauren…
- Look at it! My liege!
- Stop! That's it!
- My liege! My liege! My liege!
- No! Stop!
- Face-eth! Bovver-ed! Face-eth!
- Now! Stop!
- You take the high road and I'll take the low road.
- That's it!
I ain't even bovvered!
I ain't even bovvered! Look!
Face! Bovvered! Face!
Bovver-ed, face, bovver-ed, I
ain't even bovver-ed, my liege!
I be not bovver-ed, forsooth, I be not bovver-ed,
face, bovvered, I ain't even bovvered.
Face, bovvered, Shakespeare,
sonnets, I ain't even bovvered.
My mistress' eyes are
nuffin' like the sun
Coral is far more red
than her lips red
If snow be white, why
then her breasts are dun
If hair be wires, black
wires grow on her head
I have seen roses
damask, red and white
But no such roses
see I in her cheeks
And in some perfume
is there more delight
Than in the breath that
from my mistress reeks
I love to hear her speak yet well I know
that music have a far more pleasing sound
I grant I never saw a goddess go. My
mistress when she walks treads on the ground
And yet, by Heaven, I
think my love as rare
As any she belies
with false compare.
[SLAMS DESK]
Bite me, alien boi!
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
[ELECTRONIC HUMMING]
[PULSING]
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
That's better!
A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet!
[LAUGHTER, GROANS]
[HIGH-PITCHED]
I still ain't bovvered!
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]