The Burn with Jeff Ross (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Rachael Harris/T.J. Miller/Hannibal Buress - full transcript
Jeff roasts the porn industry.
JUST A CATTLE PROUD.
AM I GOING ON HURT MYSELF?
>>
IT'S FINE.
[LAUGHTER].
TONIGHT ON THE BURN FEELS
MORE BURN THAN USUAL AND JOHNNY
KNOXVILLE, T.J. MILLER, HANNIBAL
BURESS, RACHAEL HARRIS.
WELCOME TO "THE BURN," HOW ARE
YOU DOING?
WOW, I LOVE YOU GUYS.
LET'S START WITH BIRTHDAY SHOUT
OUTS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 9/11.
TWO MORE YEARS IT WILL BE YOUR
BARMITZVAH.
9/11, NEVER FORGET.
IT'S HARD WHEN YOU SMOKE AS MUCH
WEED AS I DO.
THAT REMINDS ME, TURNING A
QUARTER OUNCE THIS WEEK IS RAP
SUPER STAR, WHIZ KALIFA.
HIS NAME IS SHORT FOR WISDOM.
THINK HOW BAD HIS BROTHER FEELS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YAO MING.
WHAT'S UP YAO MING?
LOVE THIS GUY.
BORN IN SHANGHAI AND THE
FIRST-EVER CHINESE GUY TO PLAY
BASKETBALL INSTEAD OF MAKING
THEM.
HE'S NOT IN THE BASKETBALL HALL
OF FAME, BUT HE DOES KEEP
LEAVING MENUS UNDER THEIR DOOR.
ACTUALLY SAW HIM PLAY LIVE ONCE
WHEN HE DROVE TO THE NET, HE
SOMEHOW HIT A FIRE HYDRANT AND
RAN OVER SEVEN KIDS.
HAPPY BURN DAY.
GREAT CROWD.
WHERE IS MY KOREAN HIP HOP FANS
AT?
OUT OF ALL THE SOUTH KOREAN
RAPPERS SPITTING RHYMES, THIS IS
TSAI AND STARTED THE INVISIBLE
HORSE DANCE.
GIDDY UP.
*
*
YEAH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE SHOULD RIDE THAT HORSE
SIDE SADDLE SO HE DOESN'T CATCH
IT.
THAT SONG IS MORE CATCHY THAN
BIRD FLU.
IT'S NOT JUST SOUTH KOREANS THAT
LOVE HIM.
NORTH KOREANS LOVE IT BECAUSE
IT'S GOT A GREAT BEAT AND YOU
CAN STARVE TO IT.
STAYING TRUE TO HIS HERITAGE,
HE'S GOING TO THROW KANYE AND
JAY-Z OUT OF HIS LIQUOR STORE.
TODAY MARKS THE 11TH ANNIVERSARY
OF THE DAY THAT PEARL HARBOR
BECAME COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.
ON 9/11, I WAS LIVING IN
MANHATTAN, SAW THE FIRETRUCKS
AND HELICOPTERS AND WAS
COMPLETELY NUMB IN DISBELIEF.
I LOOKED A MY CORN FLAKES
COVERED IN THE ASHES OF PEOPLE
AND THOUGHT, IS THIS STILL OKAY
TO EAT?
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS.
AFTER THE ATTACKS, EVERYONE HAD
THE SAME QUESTION PEOPLE HAVE
AFTER THEY SEE A TYLER PERRY
MOVIE, WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE
OKAY TO LAUGH AGAIN?
NEW YORK CITY LOOKS SO BAD THAT
DAY AFTER THE ATTACKS, THEY
SHOULD HAVE CHANGED THE NAME TO
DETROIT.
THE NEW YORK CITY LOOKS SO BAD
AFTER THE ATTACKS, THEY SHOULD
HAVE CHANGED THE NAME TO NEWARK.
[APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE OF THEIR BRAVERY,
FIREMEN BYPASSED STRIPPERS OF
MOST RESPECTED PEOPLE THAT WORK
ON THE POLE.
SEPTEMBER 11TH WAS THE ONLY DAY
BANKERS WEREN'T THE BIGGEST
**** ON FINANCIAL HILL.
BUT NOW, LIFE GOES ON.
THE PERHAPS WE'RE A STRONGER
NATION FOR THE EXPERIENCE.
WE AMERICANS STAND UNITED AND
LOOK FORWARD THE FUTURE WITH THE
EYE ON THE GUY WITH THE
BRIEFCASE.
ON THE MORNING OF
SEPTEMBER 12TH, I WALKED
DOWNTOWN TO GROUND ZERO AND I
STOOD IN DISBELIEF ASKING
MYSELF, WHY DO THEY HATE US?
COULD WE HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO
PREVENT THIS.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLY A JET
INTO A TOWER, WHY NOT TRUMP
TOWER.
NEVER FORGET WE'RE A COMEDY SHOW
AND WE LIVE IN A FREE COUNTRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THAT'S I HEADED OUT TO
THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY TO HONOR
ONE OF AMERICA'S GREATEST
EXPORTS.
PORNOGRAPHY.
ACTION.
OH!
SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA?
I'M HERE TO BURN THE PORN
INDUSTRY AND THAT DESK WHEN
YOU'RE DONE WITH IT.
THIS IS FUN, AVA AND RYAN.
IT'S LIKE MY BROWSER HISTORY
CAME TO LIFE.
TAKING MORE HEAVY LOADS THAT
ROSIE O'DONNELLS DISH WASHER.
I BET THIS ISN'T THE FIRST BLACK
FUZZY THING DANGLING IN THEIR
FACES.
MARK SPIEGLER.
AGENT TO THE STARS.
NO ONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS
IS MY PEDIATRICIAN.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF COMEDY
HAS ROASTED A VAGINA BEFORE.
WOW, IT'S A VAGINA ROAST.
THAT THING HAS ENTERED MORE THAN
PUBLISHERS CLEARING OUT.
DOES THIS BROTHER YOU THAT THE
ACTORS WOULD RATHER EAT THAT
BEEP THAN YOUR FOOD.
EVERY HAD AN RUMP ROAST?
KATIE, PUT A FRAME AROUND THAT
THING BECAUSE IT'S A PIECE.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST-EVER WIENER
ROAST.
IT'S OKAY.
WOW.
I'M TAKING A GAMBLE RIGHT NOW
GETTING CLOSE TO THAT THING.
OH, MY GOD.
I HATE TO SEE IT WHEN IT'S
ANGRY.
THAT THING IS SO UGLY, I FEEL
LIKE I'M LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.
THIS HAS BEEN A REAL TREAT.
YOU'RE THE FIRST-EVER RECIPIENT
OF A WIENER ROAST.
I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS.
GIVE ME A POUND.
TAKE A BOW.
TAKE A BOW.
THANK YOU KRISTINA.
YOU'RE **** WAS A GREAT
SPORT.
COMING UP NEXT, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
HEY BUDDY,
HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME COME
BACK.
YOUR NOW OFFICES, HAVE A SEAT.
I DON'T LIKE THE CAMERA ON ME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF
YOUR **** SHIRT.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHIRT?
SANDUSKY AND SONS?
THAT MEANS A LOT FROM A GUY
WHOSE FACE LOOKS LIKE BIG BIRD
**** A BRILO PAD.
YOU'RE A LOT LIKE MICHAEL
JACKSON.
YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH
PEOPLE WHILE YOU SLOWLY KILL
YOURSELF.
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONS
FOR JACKASS.
WE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAME
TO LARD ASS.
SO YOU HAVE A MOVIE COMING
OUT WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY MAKE
HIM LOOK LIKE A GOOD ACTOR.
I WOULD KICK YOU IN THE NUTS,
BUT YOU'D HAVE TO LIFT YOUR
STOMACH.
YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE AND THAT
SHAPE IS ROUND.
HOW MANY BONES HAVE YOU
BROKEN IN YOUR LIFE?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU BURNED CHRIS BROWN'S
DINNER YOU BROKE SO MANY BONES.
I'M AFRAID TO WALK AROUND HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S JUST A CATTLE PROD.
DID IT HURT REALLY BAD?
NO.
OH!
I CAN'T DO IT.
AM I ANYTHING TO ****
MYSELF?
NO, YOU'RE FINE.
[SCREAMING]
HE GOT ME A LITTLE TOO.
I FEEL WOKEN UP.
THANKS FOR SUPPORTING ME FOR SO
LONG.
I REALLY LOVE YOU BUDDY.
I LOVE YOU MAN.
THANK YOU T.J.
AND PLEASE SAY HI TO THESE
FRIENDS.
THE CHICK FROM THE HANG OVER AND
TWO GUYS THAT ARE WELL HUNG.
HANNIBAL AND T.J.
SHOW THEM SOME LOVE THERE.
YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
I LOVE YOUR SUIT THERE T.J.
I WANT TO BE YOUR, YOU'RE THE
ROAST MASTER GENERAL, I WANT TO
BE THE FIRST CADET.
TOAST MASTER GENERAL.
I AM A PRETTY GOOD TOAST
MASTER.
I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.
IT'S MORE OF AN EULOGY, TO THE
BURN.
I ASKED HIM WHAT T.J. STOOD FOR
AND HE SAID BLOW JOB.
YOU SAID I WILL DO ANYTHING
IF YOU'LL BE ON THE SHOW AND
THAT WAS MY ANSWER.
YOU WERE WILLING TO DO IT,
BUT YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR OWN
HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE.
WE HAVE THE SAME HAIR STYLE, YOU
AND I, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
IF I GAVE UP RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TODAY.
TODAY IF I WENT ONLY AND I'M
JUST GIVING UP 20 YEARS FROM
NOW, THAT'S ME RIGHT THERE.
20?
COME ON RACHAEL.
YEAH, NO.
ARE YOU OKAY, HANNIBAL?
YOU KNOW THE SHOW STARTED.
I'M ALL GOOD, MAN.
UM, ED, WHAT ARE WE BACKING
FIRST.
AFTER THE SONG "THE PERFECT
BITCH".
KANYE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS
OKAY TO SAY ****.
WOW, THAT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO SAY
IT.
I WENT IN THEIR BATHROOM AND
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE HAND
TOWELS.
TORSE TORSE
ARE THESE WORDS OKAY TO USE?
YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T ****
CARE.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM AND
KANYE.
IT'S LIKE SHOULD I MOVE THIS
CHAIR OVER?
I DON'T CARE.
HANNIBAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK IT'S ALL ABOUT TONE.
IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT.
LIKE A LOT OF WORDS.
IF I SAY ****.
IF I SAY TOO SHORT, THAT'S
POLITE.
YEAH.
THAT'S SCARY.
SO WATCH YOUR TONE EVERYBODY.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HAVE
HIM.
HE'S A GENIOUS, BUT THEY ARE
ALSO ALL CRAZY AND THEY
SHOULDN'T HAVE A FORM.
I'M SURE EINSTEIN WAS CRAZY.
IF HE HAD A TWITTER, HE WOULD BE
LIKE MY **** IS RELATIVELY
THE BIGGEST.
EQUALS M C THESE NUTS.
WHAT WHAT'S NEXT?
WORLD'S RICHEST WOMAN.
GINA REINHART, INHERITED
$30 BILLION.
SHE SAYS POOR PEOPLE ARE LAZY.
THE GUY **** HER IS EARNING
EVERY PENNY.
MAN.
LOOKS LIKE SHE INHERITED A
HALLOWEEN COSTUME OF A GOAT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
SHE LOOKS LIKE YOU WITH THE
GOUT.
DOES SHE HAVE A HUSBAND OR
BOYFRIEND?
YEAH, SHE ATE HIM.
LOOK.
INSIDE HER.
IT'S LIKE A BLACK WIDOW.
YOU KNOW.
NOTHING IS WORKING HARDER THAN
THE ELASTIC ON HER SWEAT PANTS.
HANNIBAL, ARE YOU DRINKING
NIQUOL?
WHAT THE ****.
AFTER --
OH, I GET IT.
AFTER A WHILE, I REALIZED I
REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
THANK YOU.
NOW QUICKLY, ROAST MICHAEL.
THE NEW CLINT EASTWOOD MOVIE,
THE TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE OPENS
SOON.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOW
AND THE LAST TIME WE SAW HIM IS
HE WILL BE PERFORMING IN FRONT
OF A THEATER OF ENTIRELY EMPTY
CHAIRS.
RACHAEL, YOU KIND OF REMIND
ME OF A SCHOOL TEACHER WHO WOULD
**** HER STUDENTS.
I WOULD.
WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
WELL, YOU SAID WE COULD USE
THESE STOOLS FOR ANYTHING WE
WANTED.
T.J.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
BUT I'M SUDDENLY LIKE WHY IS
THIS HAPPENING?
QUICKLY, ROAST MY ****.
I CAN'T FIND IT.
AND THE MOVIE BUSINESS IS
HURTING, IS THAT RIGHT?
THE WORST BOX OFFICE SINCE WHEN?
1993.
T.J., YOU WERE IN THE "ROCK OF
AGES".
IT WAS THE BEST FILM OF THIS
YEAR.
THE MUSICAL WAS SO BAD, EVEN GAY
PEOPLE DIDN'T GO.
THAT WAS NOT TRUE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GO
DOESN'T MEAN ALL GAY PEOPLE.
NOT COOL.
[APPLAUSE]
.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WHY?
THAT'S BEING VERY DISPARAGING
TO GAY PEOPLE.
HANNIBAL, WHAT IS IT LIKE TO
NOT GIVE A ****.
YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE AT FIRST, WHEN
I WAS TRYING NOT TO GIVE A
****.
I WOULD GIVE A ****.
I SAID, I GOT TO KEEP NOT GIVING
A ****.
EVERYTHING WORKED OUT.
I THOUGHT "ROCK OF AGES" WAS
REALLY GOOD.
DID YOU SEE IT?
DID YOU SEE IT OR NOT
WHAT A FLOP THIS SUMMER.
THE OOGLY LOVES WAS THE BIG OF
THE FLOP IN HISTORY.
MAKING $103 PER THEATER.
THE CHARACTERED ARE NAMED GOOZY,
TOOTHY.
THOSE ARE HANNIBAL'S COUSINS.
POOR HANNIBAL IS TAKING MORE
SHOTS THAN THE PORN STORES.
IN THEATERS OOG-UST 29.
I'M NEVER SEEING THAT.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
INTERACTIVE.
KIDS OF DANCING.
I AM SHOCKED THAT NO ONE WANTED
TO GO PARTICIPATE IN THAT.
I MEAN, WHAT PARENT IS LIKE
BRINGING THEIR KID TO A MOVIE SO
THEY CAN BE RUNNING AROUND.
YOU'RE BRINGING YOUR KID TO THE
MOVIE BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE SHUT
THE **** UP.
JUST FOR AN HOUR.
AND WATCH OOGIE LOVE,
WHATEVER THE **** IT IS.
IF YOU LOOK WHAT'S IN IT.
TONY BRAXTON.
UN BREAK MY HEART.
SAY YOU'LL LOVE ME AGAIN.
*
*
LOVE, LOVE.
[DOG HOWLING]
WOW.
WE JUST GOT CANCELLED, THANK
YOU.
MORE PEOPLE JUST SAW THAT THAN
OOGIE LOVE.
KEEP IT GOING FOR MY FRIEND,
HANNIBAL BURESS, T.J. MILLER.
DON'T FORGET TO WATCH MASH UP.
STILL UP, WE'RE JUST A GREEN
MILE AWAY FROM THIS WEEK'S TOO
YES, OSCAR-NOMINATED ACTOR,
MICHAEL DUNCAN DROPPED DEAD.
MEASURED 3.3 ON THE RICTOR
SCALE.
FEE, FI, FOE, FUM.
THIS IS A HUGE LOST ESPECIALLY
FOR HIS TAILOR.
IRONICALLY, HE PASSED AWAY OF A
HEART ATTACK.
SOMETHING HE HAD GIVEN HUNDREDS
OF WHITE PEOPLE JUST GETTING ON
AN ELEVATOR WITH HIM.
I LOVE HIS FILMS BECAUSE HE
WAS A GO-TOO GUY WHEN VING
RAIMES WAS BUSY.
HIS BIGGEST COMPETITION IS ROSIE
O'DONNELL.
SO ROAST IN PEACE, BIG MAN
AND WATCH YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU GO
THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.
GOOD NIGHT.
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.
20 YEARS FROM NOW, THAT'S ME
AM I GOING ON HURT MYSELF?
>>
IT'S FINE.
[LAUGHTER].
TONIGHT ON THE BURN FEELS
MORE BURN THAN USUAL AND JOHNNY
KNOXVILLE, T.J. MILLER, HANNIBAL
BURESS, RACHAEL HARRIS.
WELCOME TO "THE BURN," HOW ARE
YOU DOING?
WOW, I LOVE YOU GUYS.
LET'S START WITH BIRTHDAY SHOUT
OUTS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 9/11.
TWO MORE YEARS IT WILL BE YOUR
BARMITZVAH.
9/11, NEVER FORGET.
IT'S HARD WHEN YOU SMOKE AS MUCH
WEED AS I DO.
THAT REMINDS ME, TURNING A
QUARTER OUNCE THIS WEEK IS RAP
SUPER STAR, WHIZ KALIFA.
HIS NAME IS SHORT FOR WISDOM.
THINK HOW BAD HIS BROTHER FEELS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YAO MING.
WHAT'S UP YAO MING?
LOVE THIS GUY.
BORN IN SHANGHAI AND THE
FIRST-EVER CHINESE GUY TO PLAY
BASKETBALL INSTEAD OF MAKING
THEM.
HE'S NOT IN THE BASKETBALL HALL
OF FAME, BUT HE DOES KEEP
LEAVING MENUS UNDER THEIR DOOR.
ACTUALLY SAW HIM PLAY LIVE ONCE
WHEN HE DROVE TO THE NET, HE
SOMEHOW HIT A FIRE HYDRANT AND
RAN OVER SEVEN KIDS.
HAPPY BURN DAY.
GREAT CROWD.
WHERE IS MY KOREAN HIP HOP FANS
AT?
OUT OF ALL THE SOUTH KOREAN
RAPPERS SPITTING RHYMES, THIS IS
TSAI AND STARTED THE INVISIBLE
HORSE DANCE.
GIDDY UP.
*
*
YEAH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE SHOULD RIDE THAT HORSE
SIDE SADDLE SO HE DOESN'T CATCH
IT.
THAT SONG IS MORE CATCHY THAN
BIRD FLU.
IT'S NOT JUST SOUTH KOREANS THAT
LOVE HIM.
NORTH KOREANS LOVE IT BECAUSE
IT'S GOT A GREAT BEAT AND YOU
CAN STARVE TO IT.
STAYING TRUE TO HIS HERITAGE,
HE'S GOING TO THROW KANYE AND
JAY-Z OUT OF HIS LIQUOR STORE.
TODAY MARKS THE 11TH ANNIVERSARY
OF THE DAY THAT PEARL HARBOR
BECAME COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.
ON 9/11, I WAS LIVING IN
MANHATTAN, SAW THE FIRETRUCKS
AND HELICOPTERS AND WAS
COMPLETELY NUMB IN DISBELIEF.
I LOOKED A MY CORN FLAKES
COVERED IN THE ASHES OF PEOPLE
AND THOUGHT, IS THIS STILL OKAY
TO EAT?
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS.
AFTER THE ATTACKS, EVERYONE HAD
THE SAME QUESTION PEOPLE HAVE
AFTER THEY SEE A TYLER PERRY
MOVIE, WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE
OKAY TO LAUGH AGAIN?
NEW YORK CITY LOOKS SO BAD THAT
DAY AFTER THE ATTACKS, THEY
SHOULD HAVE CHANGED THE NAME TO
DETROIT.
THE NEW YORK CITY LOOKS SO BAD
AFTER THE ATTACKS, THEY SHOULD
HAVE CHANGED THE NAME TO NEWARK.
[APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE OF THEIR BRAVERY,
FIREMEN BYPASSED STRIPPERS OF
MOST RESPECTED PEOPLE THAT WORK
ON THE POLE.
SEPTEMBER 11TH WAS THE ONLY DAY
BANKERS WEREN'T THE BIGGEST
**** ON FINANCIAL HILL.
BUT NOW, LIFE GOES ON.
THE PERHAPS WE'RE A STRONGER
NATION FOR THE EXPERIENCE.
WE AMERICANS STAND UNITED AND
LOOK FORWARD THE FUTURE WITH THE
EYE ON THE GUY WITH THE
BRIEFCASE.
ON THE MORNING OF
SEPTEMBER 12TH, I WALKED
DOWNTOWN TO GROUND ZERO AND I
STOOD IN DISBELIEF ASKING
MYSELF, WHY DO THEY HATE US?
COULD WE HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO
PREVENT THIS.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLY A JET
INTO A TOWER, WHY NOT TRUMP
TOWER.
NEVER FORGET WE'RE A COMEDY SHOW
AND WE LIVE IN A FREE COUNTRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THAT'S I HEADED OUT TO
THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY TO HONOR
ONE OF AMERICA'S GREATEST
EXPORTS.
PORNOGRAPHY.
ACTION.
OH!
SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA?
I'M HERE TO BURN THE PORN
INDUSTRY AND THAT DESK WHEN
YOU'RE DONE WITH IT.
THIS IS FUN, AVA AND RYAN.
IT'S LIKE MY BROWSER HISTORY
CAME TO LIFE.
TAKING MORE HEAVY LOADS THAT
ROSIE O'DONNELLS DISH WASHER.
I BET THIS ISN'T THE FIRST BLACK
FUZZY THING DANGLING IN THEIR
FACES.
MARK SPIEGLER.
AGENT TO THE STARS.
NO ONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS
IS MY PEDIATRICIAN.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF COMEDY
HAS ROASTED A VAGINA BEFORE.
WOW, IT'S A VAGINA ROAST.
THAT THING HAS ENTERED MORE THAN
PUBLISHERS CLEARING OUT.
DOES THIS BROTHER YOU THAT THE
ACTORS WOULD RATHER EAT THAT
BEEP THAN YOUR FOOD.
EVERY HAD AN RUMP ROAST?
KATIE, PUT A FRAME AROUND THAT
THING BECAUSE IT'S A PIECE.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST-EVER WIENER
ROAST.
IT'S OKAY.
WOW.
I'M TAKING A GAMBLE RIGHT NOW
GETTING CLOSE TO THAT THING.
OH, MY GOD.
I HATE TO SEE IT WHEN IT'S
ANGRY.
THAT THING IS SO UGLY, I FEEL
LIKE I'M LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.
THIS HAS BEEN A REAL TREAT.
YOU'RE THE FIRST-EVER RECIPIENT
OF A WIENER ROAST.
I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS.
GIVE ME A POUND.
TAKE A BOW.
TAKE A BOW.
THANK YOU KRISTINA.
YOU'RE **** WAS A GREAT
SPORT.
COMING UP NEXT, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
HEY BUDDY,
HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME COME
BACK.
YOUR NOW OFFICES, HAVE A SEAT.
I DON'T LIKE THE CAMERA ON ME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF
YOUR **** SHIRT.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHIRT?
SANDUSKY AND SONS?
THAT MEANS A LOT FROM A GUY
WHOSE FACE LOOKS LIKE BIG BIRD
**** A BRILO PAD.
YOU'RE A LOT LIKE MICHAEL
JACKSON.
YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH
PEOPLE WHILE YOU SLOWLY KILL
YOURSELF.
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONS
FOR JACKASS.
WE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAME
TO LARD ASS.
SO YOU HAVE A MOVIE COMING
OUT WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY MAKE
HIM LOOK LIKE A GOOD ACTOR.
I WOULD KICK YOU IN THE NUTS,
BUT YOU'D HAVE TO LIFT YOUR
STOMACH.
YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE AND THAT
SHAPE IS ROUND.
HOW MANY BONES HAVE YOU
BROKEN IN YOUR LIFE?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU BURNED CHRIS BROWN'S
DINNER YOU BROKE SO MANY BONES.
I'M AFRAID TO WALK AROUND HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S JUST A CATTLE PROD.
DID IT HURT REALLY BAD?
NO.
OH!
I CAN'T DO IT.
AM I ANYTHING TO ****
MYSELF?
NO, YOU'RE FINE.
[SCREAMING]
HE GOT ME A LITTLE TOO.
I FEEL WOKEN UP.
THANKS FOR SUPPORTING ME FOR SO
LONG.
I REALLY LOVE YOU BUDDY.
I LOVE YOU MAN.
THANK YOU T.J.
AND PLEASE SAY HI TO THESE
FRIENDS.
THE CHICK FROM THE HANG OVER AND
TWO GUYS THAT ARE WELL HUNG.
HANNIBAL AND T.J.
SHOW THEM SOME LOVE THERE.
YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
I LOVE YOUR SUIT THERE T.J.
I WANT TO BE YOUR, YOU'RE THE
ROAST MASTER GENERAL, I WANT TO
BE THE FIRST CADET.
TOAST MASTER GENERAL.
I AM A PRETTY GOOD TOAST
MASTER.
I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.
IT'S MORE OF AN EULOGY, TO THE
BURN.
I ASKED HIM WHAT T.J. STOOD FOR
AND HE SAID BLOW JOB.
YOU SAID I WILL DO ANYTHING
IF YOU'LL BE ON THE SHOW AND
THAT WAS MY ANSWER.
YOU WERE WILLING TO DO IT,
BUT YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR OWN
HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE.
WE HAVE THE SAME HAIR STYLE, YOU
AND I, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
IF I GAVE UP RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TODAY.
TODAY IF I WENT ONLY AND I'M
JUST GIVING UP 20 YEARS FROM
NOW, THAT'S ME RIGHT THERE.
20?
COME ON RACHAEL.
YEAH, NO.
ARE YOU OKAY, HANNIBAL?
YOU KNOW THE SHOW STARTED.
I'M ALL GOOD, MAN.
UM, ED, WHAT ARE WE BACKING
FIRST.
AFTER THE SONG "THE PERFECT
BITCH".
KANYE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS
OKAY TO SAY ****.
WOW, THAT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO SAY
IT.
I WENT IN THEIR BATHROOM AND
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE HAND
TOWELS.
TORSE TORSE
ARE THESE WORDS OKAY TO USE?
YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T ****
CARE.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM AND
KANYE.
IT'S LIKE SHOULD I MOVE THIS
CHAIR OVER?
I DON'T CARE.
HANNIBAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK IT'S ALL ABOUT TONE.
IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT.
LIKE A LOT OF WORDS.
IF I SAY ****.
IF I SAY TOO SHORT, THAT'S
POLITE.
YEAH.
THAT'S SCARY.
SO WATCH YOUR TONE EVERYBODY.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HAVE
HIM.
HE'S A GENIOUS, BUT THEY ARE
ALSO ALL CRAZY AND THEY
SHOULDN'T HAVE A FORM.
I'M SURE EINSTEIN WAS CRAZY.
IF HE HAD A TWITTER, HE WOULD BE
LIKE MY **** IS RELATIVELY
THE BIGGEST.
EQUALS M C THESE NUTS.
WHAT WHAT'S NEXT?
WORLD'S RICHEST WOMAN.
GINA REINHART, INHERITED
$30 BILLION.
SHE SAYS POOR PEOPLE ARE LAZY.
THE GUY **** HER IS EARNING
EVERY PENNY.
MAN.
LOOKS LIKE SHE INHERITED A
HALLOWEEN COSTUME OF A GOAT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
SHE LOOKS LIKE YOU WITH THE
GOUT.
DOES SHE HAVE A HUSBAND OR
BOYFRIEND?
YEAH, SHE ATE HIM.
LOOK.
INSIDE HER.
IT'S LIKE A BLACK WIDOW.
YOU KNOW.
NOTHING IS WORKING HARDER THAN
THE ELASTIC ON HER SWEAT PANTS.
HANNIBAL, ARE YOU DRINKING
NIQUOL?
WHAT THE ****.
AFTER --
OH, I GET IT.
AFTER A WHILE, I REALIZED I
REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
THANK YOU.
NOW QUICKLY, ROAST MICHAEL.
THE NEW CLINT EASTWOOD MOVIE,
THE TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE OPENS
SOON.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOW
AND THE LAST TIME WE SAW HIM IS
HE WILL BE PERFORMING IN FRONT
OF A THEATER OF ENTIRELY EMPTY
CHAIRS.
RACHAEL, YOU KIND OF REMIND
ME OF A SCHOOL TEACHER WHO WOULD
**** HER STUDENTS.
I WOULD.
WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
WELL, YOU SAID WE COULD USE
THESE STOOLS FOR ANYTHING WE
WANTED.
T.J.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
BUT I'M SUDDENLY LIKE WHY IS
THIS HAPPENING?
QUICKLY, ROAST MY ****.
I CAN'T FIND IT.
AND THE MOVIE BUSINESS IS
HURTING, IS THAT RIGHT?
THE WORST BOX OFFICE SINCE WHEN?
1993.
T.J., YOU WERE IN THE "ROCK OF
AGES".
IT WAS THE BEST FILM OF THIS
YEAR.
THE MUSICAL WAS SO BAD, EVEN GAY
PEOPLE DIDN'T GO.
THAT WAS NOT TRUE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GO
DOESN'T MEAN ALL GAY PEOPLE.
NOT COOL.
[APPLAUSE]
.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WHY?
THAT'S BEING VERY DISPARAGING
TO GAY PEOPLE.
HANNIBAL, WHAT IS IT LIKE TO
NOT GIVE A ****.
YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE AT FIRST, WHEN
I WAS TRYING NOT TO GIVE A
****.
I WOULD GIVE A ****.
I SAID, I GOT TO KEEP NOT GIVING
A ****.
EVERYTHING WORKED OUT.
I THOUGHT "ROCK OF AGES" WAS
REALLY GOOD.
DID YOU SEE IT?
DID YOU SEE IT OR NOT
WHAT A FLOP THIS SUMMER.
THE OOGLY LOVES WAS THE BIG OF
THE FLOP IN HISTORY.
MAKING $103 PER THEATER.
THE CHARACTERED ARE NAMED GOOZY,
TOOTHY.
THOSE ARE HANNIBAL'S COUSINS.
POOR HANNIBAL IS TAKING MORE
SHOTS THAN THE PORN STORES.
IN THEATERS OOG-UST 29.
I'M NEVER SEEING THAT.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
INTERACTIVE.
KIDS OF DANCING.
I AM SHOCKED THAT NO ONE WANTED
TO GO PARTICIPATE IN THAT.
I MEAN, WHAT PARENT IS LIKE
BRINGING THEIR KID TO A MOVIE SO
THEY CAN BE RUNNING AROUND.
YOU'RE BRINGING YOUR KID TO THE
MOVIE BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE SHUT
THE **** UP.
JUST FOR AN HOUR.
AND WATCH OOGIE LOVE,
WHATEVER THE **** IT IS.
IF YOU LOOK WHAT'S IN IT.
TONY BRAXTON.
UN BREAK MY HEART.
SAY YOU'LL LOVE ME AGAIN.
*
*
LOVE, LOVE.
[DOG HOWLING]
WOW.
WE JUST GOT CANCELLED, THANK
YOU.
MORE PEOPLE JUST SAW THAT THAN
OOGIE LOVE.
KEEP IT GOING FOR MY FRIEND,
HANNIBAL BURESS, T.J. MILLER.
DON'T FORGET TO WATCH MASH UP.
STILL UP, WE'RE JUST A GREEN
MILE AWAY FROM THIS WEEK'S TOO
YES, OSCAR-NOMINATED ACTOR,
MICHAEL DUNCAN DROPPED DEAD.
MEASURED 3.3 ON THE RICTOR
SCALE.
FEE, FI, FOE, FUM.
THIS IS A HUGE LOST ESPECIALLY
FOR HIS TAILOR.
IRONICALLY, HE PASSED AWAY OF A
HEART ATTACK.
SOMETHING HE HAD GIVEN HUNDREDS
OF WHITE PEOPLE JUST GETTING ON
AN ELEVATOR WITH HIM.
I LOVE HIS FILMS BECAUSE HE
WAS A GO-TOO GUY WHEN VING
RAIMES WAS BUSY.
HIS BIGGEST COMPETITION IS ROSIE
O'DONNELL.
SO ROAST IN PEACE, BIG MAN
AND WATCH YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU GO
THROUGH THE PEARLY GATES.
GOOD NIGHT.
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.
20 YEARS FROM NOW, THAT'S ME