The Burn with Jeff Ross (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Anthony Jeselnik/Natasha Leggero/Todd Glass - full transcript
Jeff roasts able-bodied people who park in handicapped spaces.
COME ON.
WE'RE ROASTING.
LOOK AT YOU.
STUPID, FAT, UGLY, DUMB, JEW.
COME ON.
I GOT IT DOWN!
STUPIDER, UGLY HAIR, LOOK LIKE
YOU HAVE **** ON YOUR
SWEATER.
OVER THERE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
HAVE **** IN YOUR HAIR.
EVERY **** ONE OF YOU.
IT'S A ROAST YOU ****ERS.
FEEL THE BURN.
TONIGHT, SNOOKI AND HER BABY.
TODD GLASS ANTHONY JESELNIK AND
JEFF ROSS!
ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE HERE.
THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO "THE BURN."
HOW DO I LOOK?
I HAD MY HAIR DONE BY
HURRICANE ISAAC.
LET'S START WITH SOME BIRTHDAY
SHOUT-OUTS.
HERE'S A BOOTY CALL I'D LIKE TO
GIVE 31 SPANKS TO.
HAPPY BURN, BABY.
I'M SURE BEYONCE'S WISH IS THAT
HER DAUGHTER DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
HER HUSBAND.
[LAUGHTER]
LISTEN, EVERYBODY KNOWS I LOVE
JAY Z BUT HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE
HE'S HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION
TO SHELL FOOD.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SEAN
WHITE.
A GUY BEST KNOWN AS THE SLIGHTLY
MORE ****ED UP ROCKY DENNIS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND THIS IS BETSY COOPER, THE
WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING PERSON.
THIS WEEK SHE CELEBRATES HER
116th BIRTHDAY.
[APPLAUSE]
DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVER 109.
ONE OF HER FAVORITE CHILDHOOD
MEMORIES IS TAKING A BOAT RIDE
WITH TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL.
SHE'S 116!
WHEN SHE WAS ASKED HOW SHE LIVED
TO BE SO OLD, SHE SAID COLD?
I'M NOT COLD.
[APPLAUSE]
HAPPY BURN DAY, BETSY!
[APPLAUSE]
EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT PUSSY
RIOT.
YOU HEARD ABOUT PUSSY RIOT?
THE ALL FEMALE BAND FROM RUSSIA
THAT HAS BEEN SENT TO PRISON
BECAUSE THEIR MUSIC CRITICIZED
THE GOVERNMENT.
EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS
THEIR NAME BUT NOBODY HAS HEARD
THEIR MUSIC.
SO LISTEN!
**
EVERYBODY!
[APPLAUSE]
THEY'RE TERRIBLE!
DID SOMEBODY PUT BATH SALTS IN
THEIR BORSCHT?
NOW IS PUTIN ON THEIR iPOD,
RIGHT?
I THINK EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
SHOULD HAVE A VOICE.
I JUST DON'T THINK IT SHOULD
SOUND LIKE TWO CATS **** IN A
DUMPSTER.
[LAUGHTER]
I HAVEN'T SEEN A BAND OF GIRLS
SING THAT BADLY SINCE THE JONAS
BROTHERS.
BUT I WILL SAY THIS.
PRESIDENT PUTIN, IF YOU'RE
WATCHING, AS AN ADVOCATE OF FREE
SPEECH, I'M APPALLED.
AS A HUMAN BEING WITH EAR DRUMS,
I THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
VERY EXCITING NEWS HERE AT "THE
BURN."
AFTER NINE MONTHS, SNOOKI'S
VODKA BROKE AND SHE GAVE BIRTH
TO AMERICA'S NEWEST REALITY
STAR, A HEALTHY BOUNCING SIX
POUNDS, THREE OUNCE MEATBALL
NAMED LORENZO.
I'VE HUNG OUT WITH SNOOKI.
BELIEVE SHE, SHE HAS A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOR.
THAT'S WHY SHE AND BABY LORENSO
ARE THE SUBJECT OF THIS WEEK'S
RAPID FIRE.
THIS IS SNOOKI'S FIRST BABY AND
FOURTH PREGNANCY.
THE BABY SHOULD BE NAME NEW
YEAR'S BALL.
HE WILL BE DROPPED ONCE A YEAR.
JUST TO MAKE HER FEEL
COMFORTABLE, THE DOCTOR GOT HER
DRUNK BEFORE HE SHOVED HIS HAND
IN HER ****.
THERE'S A PREGNANT LADY LAUGHING
AT THIS JOKE.
IT'S OKAY.
ARE YOU PREGNANT?
I HOPE SO.
SNOOKI, YOU'VE MADE HISTORY.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A BABY
HAS EVER COME OUT OF A DUMPSTER.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING BE, BE
LORENZO.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE ONE
MILLIONth GUY TO HANG OUT IN
YOUR MOM'S VAGINA?
THAT'S IT FOR RAPID FIRE.
CONGRATULATIONS, SNOOKI.
THE PARALYMPICS GAMES ARE TAKING
PLACE NOW IN LONDON.
IT'S SO INSPIRATIONAL WHEN
PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR HANDICAPS
TO DO GREAT THINGS.
WHAT ABOUT REGULAR HANDICAP
PEOPLE AT HOME THAT JUST WANT TO
PARK THEIR **** CARS.
DRIVES ME NUTS WHEN I SEE
ABLE-BODIED PEOPLE STEALING
THOSE SPOTS.
THAT'S WHY I SPENT A DAY BURNING
THE PUBLIC ENEMY.
THE DOUCHEBAGS I CALL SPOT
SNATCHERS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHERE IS A SPOT SNATCHER?
OH, ****.
HALT!
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY ILLITERATE.
IT SAYS NO PARKING UNLESS YOU'RE
HANDICAPPED.
I AM A HANDICAP.
REALLY?
BEING **** IS NOT A HANDICAP.
FEEL THE BURN, BITCH!
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, DUDE.
WHY DID YOU PARK HERE?
JUST RAN IN REAL QUICK.
RANCH DRESSING?
YEAH.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A
HURRY DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PARK
IN A HANDICAP SPOT.
BETTER TELL THE HANDICAPPED
PEOPLE YOU'RE SORRY.
SORRY, HANDICAPPED PEOPLE.
I'M KEEPING THE RANCH.
YOU'RE A SPOT SNATCHER.
DON'T COME BACK TO THIS PARKING
LOT AGAIN.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
I'M TIRED OF COMING HERE AND I
HAD TO PARK ACROSS THE STREET.
ALL RIGHT, MAN.
LET'S TAKE IT UP A NOTCH.
MIKE MY FRIENDS, MIKE AND ALVIN.
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
YO!
WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?
ONLY LIMP YOU HAVE IS IN YOUR
PANTS.
I GET IT, THIS IS PAY BACK
FOR ALL THE TIMES I CUT YOU IN
DISNEYLAND, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I USED TO SPEED UP YOUR
****.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE TOLD
YOUR FATHER.
PULL OUT!
BEAT IT, BUDDY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
BEING UGLY IS NOT A
DISABILITY.
YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?
SORRY.
NICE WHEELS, DUDE.
THANKS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
DANIEL.
JEFF.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
A NICE CHAIR.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
I MAKE A GOOD LIVING.
WANT TO RACE?
SURE.
READY?
SET?
GO!
NO HABLO ENGLISH?
NO HABLO.
MOVE THIS PIECE OF ****.
I DON'T SEE ANY CRUTCHES OR
ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW --
YOU WANT A LIFT?
CAN YOU LIFT ME UP?
I HAVE A PERMIT TO HAUL
TRASH.
I KNOW YOU JUST CAME OUT OF THE
WEED STORE AND PARKED IN A
HANDICAP SPOT.
I HAD CATARACT SURGERY.
LET'S SEE THE WEED.
RIGHT THERE.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
ALL RIGHT.
DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A WARNING.
FEEL THE BURN!
****, DUDE!
YES.
DANIEL, THANK YOU.
STAND UP AND TAKE A BOW.
COMING UP NEXT, THREE OF MY
FUNNIEST FRIENDS, TODD GLASS,
ANTHONY JESELNIK.
.
[APPLAUSE]
WOW!
WELCOME BACK.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND, THEIR
TOPS IN THEIR FIELD AND BOTTOMS
IN THEIR BEG, NATASHA LEGGERO,
TODD GLASS AND ANTHONY JESELNIK.
YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, SNOOKI, YOU
LOST THE BABY WEIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
THANKS.
ANTHONY, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW ANTHONY,
HE'S THE BAD GUY IN THE KARATE
KID MOVIES.
I'VE HAD A BAD DAY.
JUST GO LIGHT ON ME.
DON'T START YOUR ****.
I'M SENSITIVE.
YOU KNOW HOW I AM ON STAGE.
YOU GET IT.
NO ****.
HE KNOWS THE REAL TODD GLASS.
SAY **** NICE.
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
TAKE IT EASY, FLINTSTONE.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS THAT TATTOO?
THAT'S NO BIG DEAL.
JUST WHO I AM.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, IT'S NOT.
I JUST -- IT DOES MAKE YOU
LOOK --
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
PEOPLE DO NOTICE IT THOUGH.
MAYBE TODD IS COOLER THAN WE
THOUGHT.
NO.
DON'T CLAP FOR HIS PROPS.
[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU RIPPING UP YOUR JOKES
ALREADY?
I KNEW THAT MADE NO SENSE FOR
ME TO PICK SOMETHING UP BUT
COMEDICALLY IT WORKED.
WHAT IS FIRST ON OUR HIT LIST
TODAY?
OH, YEAH, AFTER YEARS OF DENYING
DOPING CHARGES, LANCE ARMSTRONG
HAS BEEN BANNED FROM CYCLING
ABOUT STRIPPED OF HIS SEVEN TOUR
DE FRANCE MEDALS.
HE'S SICK OF DEFENDING HIMSELF.
HE SAYS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
THE ONLY TIMES FANS SPORT
CHEATING --
[LAUGHTER]
HOLD ON.
THE ONLY TIME SPORTS FANS
SUPPORT SOMEBODY CHEATING IN A
YELLOW JERSEY --
WANT ME TO HOLD IT UP?
SERIOUSLY.
THE ONLY TIME SPORTS FANS
SUPPORT SOMEBODY CHEATING IN A
YELLOW JERSEY IS WHEN THEY'RE
SUPPORTING KOBE BRYANT.
I DON'T BELIEVE A ****.
THANK YOU.
I'D HAVE TO BE ON A BRIEF
CASE FULL OF DRUGS TO ENJOY A
BICYCLE RACE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
ANYBODY WOULD WATCH A BICYCLE
RACE.
NO ONE DOES.
WHO WATCHES THEM?
NO ONE.
THAT'S WHY IT'S IN FRANCE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHAT IS NEXT?
WOMEN'S GROUP CODE PINK IS
PROTESTING OUTSIDE THE GOP
DRESSED AS GIANT VAGINAS.
THEY SAY IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE
WAR ON WOMEN.
I'M WEARING A BEAUTIFUL
ARTISTIC REPRESENTATION OF A
SACRED AND SPECIAL PART OF A
WOMAN'S BODY, THE VAGINA.
THANK YOU FLORIST THE
PATORIST.
THEY LOOK LIKE EXTRAS IN A
STAR TREK PORN PARODY.
CODE PINK, I'M ON YOUR SIDE
BUT THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU WIN
THE WAR ON WOMEN.
WHY WOULD ANYBODY DRESS UP IN A
CRAZY COSTUME TO GET ATTENTION?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WAIT.
WAS THAT FOR ATTENTION?
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY
JOKES.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, THE ONLY REASON I CAN DO
THAT IS BECAUSE I HAVE JOKES.
IF THEY WANTED TO SCARE THE
REPUBLICANS, THEY SHOULD HAVE
DRESSED AS MEXICAN VAGINAS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
MEN ARE TELLING US WE CAN'T
HAVE ABORTIONS.
MEN STARTED WARS.
THE WORST THING A WOMAN HAS EVER
DONE IS **** FLAV-A-FLAV.
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK, THESE WOMEN WITH THE
BIRTH CONTROL --
[LAUGHTER]
-- IT SHOULDN'T BE A CHOICE BUT
LOOKING AT THESE WOMEN.
IT SHOULD BE MANDATORY.
[LAUGHTER]
THE ONE GROUP THAT HASN'T
WEIGHED IN IS RAPE BABIES.
ANTHONY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU THINK I'M A RAPE BABY?
YEAH.
MY MOM WAS ASKING FOR IT.
[LAUGHTER]
NICE.
JUST TO BE CLEAR, MITT ROMNEY
DOES SAY IF YOU'RE RAPED BY A
HOMELESS PERSON WHO IS ALSO YOUR
BROTHER, YOU DO HAVE TO KEEP THE
BABY.
BUT ONLY IN THAT CASE.
I MEAN, JOKES ASIDE, WE SAID
UNDERSTAND WHAT?
WHERE THE **** ARE WE?
IT'S AN IMPORTANT ISSUE AS A
WOMAN.
I CARE ABOUT IT.
THAT'S THE NAME OF TODD'S ONE
MAN SHOW.
TAKE YOUR LITTLE ****,
ROSS.
THANKS, TODD.
HEY --
YOU MOTHER ****.
HE'S READING MY --
>>
[LAUGHTER]
.
GO AHEAD.
PLUS, AREN'T TALKING VAGINAS
WHAT MEN WANT ANYWAY?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS NEXT, ED?
[LAUGHTER]
THERE'S A WOMAN IN NEW JERSEY
SUFFERING FROM A RARE MEDICAL
CONDITION WHICH CAUSES HER TO
HAVE HUNDREDS OF UNWANTED
ORGASMS.
WOW!
PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S B-ROLL
FOOTAGE OF THIS.
[LAUGHTER]
HOW MANY ORGASMS HAVE YOU HAD
IN A DAY?
WHAT IS THE MOST YOU CAN HAVE?
SERIOUSLY.
LATELY?
YEAH.
PRETEND YOUR DAD IS NOT HERE.
DON'T WORRY.
HE THINKS HE'S AT THE SALLY
JESSIE RAFEAL SHOW.
[LAUGHTER]
ANTHONY, ARE YOU OKAY?
I THINK I'M DOING THE BEST
HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE RIGHT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU, I FEEL
LIKE I'M ABOUT TO GET
RICK-ROLLED.
**
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
COMING UP NEXT --
SWEAR TO GOD.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT.
WELCOME BACK.
ED, WHAT IS NEXT?
IT'S A FLORIDA MAN'S PET
MONKEY WAS SHOT AFTER HE
ATTACKED HIS HAND.
[LAUGHTER]
BY THE WAY, THIS IS THE BEST
HEADLINE EVERYBODY.
NEIGHBOR SHOTS McCOCK DEAD.
YEAH.
THIS POOR MONKEY, NOT ONLY WAS
IT SHOT IN THE HEAD, IT'S MAN OF
THE DIRTY MEAL OF A FLORIDIAN.
MY COUSIN ED IS A DIRTY
FLORIDIAN.
LOOKS LIKE ONE.
I MISSED THE GOOD OLD DAYS
WHEN MONKEYS SMOKED CIGARETTES
AND TORE OFF WOMEN'S FACES.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
ALL SERIOUSNESS --
[LAUGHTER]
-- THEY DRESS THEM UP IN
DIAPERS.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN HEAR IS
IT'S YOUR TURN TO CHANGE THE
MONKEY.
SWEAR TO GOD.
[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU OKAY, TODD.
I WAS HOPING THERE WOULD BE A
P.A. THAT WOULD HAVE FIXED THAT
BY NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
I GOT IT, TODD.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S A JOKE IF I SAY IT AND I DO
IT MYSELF.
IF I DON'T DO IT MYSELF, PEOPLE
GO HMM.
TODD, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT.
NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT THIS
SHOW.
I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S FUN.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YOU, SHE HAS 100
ORGASMS A DAY AND SHE'S STILL
COMPLAINING.
THAT PROVES WOMEN ARE NEVER
HAPPY.
TODD, THAT'S IT.
WE LEFT THAT 20 MINUTES AGO.
I KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
WE DID THAT BIT ALREADY.
I KNOW.
A WRITER WROTE IT, TOLD HIS
FAMILY TO WATCH THE SHOW.
HE CAN SAY "I WROTE THAT ONE."
ANTHONY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
TODD'S LIVE ACT BEFORE?
I TRIED TO.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW.
I SEEM LIKE A BIG GUY, BUT DEEP
DOWN, I'M JUST A REGULAR ****
IDIOT LIKE YOU PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT.
TODD, YOU'RE SO **** FUNNY.
IT'S A MIRACLE YOU'RE NOT
FAMOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
NATASHA, IF YOU HAD TO PICK SEX
WITH EITHER ANTHONY OR TODD, YOU
WERE ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH THE
TWO OF THEM AND I KNOW THIS IS A
LITTLE RANDOM AND I REALIZE YOUR
DAD IS WATCHING AT THE SAME
TIME --
IS YOUR DAD HERE?
IS HE ONE OF THE CHOICES?
NO.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE YOU'RE
GOING TO HURT MY FEELINGS.
OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO PICK
YOU.
HONESTLY, THE FIRST TIME I
SAW TODD, WHO IS THAT
CHARISMATIC MAN.
WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND TIME?
[LAUGHTER]
THANKS FOR BEING SO NICE.
KEEP IT GOING FOR MY FRIENDS
TODD, ANTHONY, NATASHA.
GO SEE THEM LIVE.
THEY'RE THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN
THE WORLD.
GO TO THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN
SEE US SPEED ROASTING THE
AUDIENCE.
COMING UP NEXT -- SO SOON?
THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MAN
KIND.
LEGENDARY ASTRONAUT NEIL
ARMSTRONG HAS LEFT EARTH, THIS
TIME FOR GOOD.
HE WAS 82 YEARS OLD.
HE IS SURVIVED BY HIS SONS,
LOUIS, STRETCH AND LANCE.
THE ARMSTRONG'S MOST FAMOUS
WORDS WILL FOREVER BE UPSTAGED
BY HIS INFAMOUS LAST WORDS,
**** BUZZ ALDRIN.
SOMEBODY TURN IT ON JUDGE JUDY.
IS ANYBODY ELSE ON?
YOU KNOW, ARMSTRONG NEVER
EXPLOITED GOING TO MOON FOR
PROFIT.
HE LEFT THAT **** TO TOM
HANKS AND RON HOWARD.
NEIL'S LAST WISH WAS TO HAVE HIS
BODY CREMATED.
JUST LIKE THOSE ASTRONAUTS IN
THE 80s.
TOO SOON?
NEIL ARMSTRONG GUIDED HIS MOTION
TO THE MOON WITH LESS TECHNOLOGY
THAN WHAT IS IN YOUR iPHONES
RIGHT NOW.
THINK ABOUT THAT THE NEXT TIME
YOU ASK SIRI TO YOGURTLAND, YOU
****.
TO NEIL ARMSTRONG TO INFINITI
AND BEYOND.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
SEE YOU SOON, BUT NOT TOO SOON.
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
HOW IS IT GOING, BUDDY?
GREAT.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY COMING UP.
9-11?
[LAUGHTER]
TODD, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
GUY?
SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A SPEED ROAST, TODD.
DON'T YOU GET IT?
THAT GUY IS A ****
LUNATIC.
WHY THE **** WOULD YOU STAND
UP AND ASK TO BE ROASTED?
TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF!
WHAT ARE YOU **** SICK?
HAVE A LITTLE SELF-RESPECT!
HE LOOKS LIKE A NICE GUY.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN HE WALKS
AROUND.
PEOPLE SAY **** AND HE KNOWS
IT.
HE HAS TO ASK FOR IT?
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.
WE'RE ROASTING.
LOOK AT YOU.
STUPID, FAT, UGLY, DUMB, JEW.
COME ON.
I GOT IT DOWN!
STUPIDER, UGLY HAIR, LOOK LIKE
YOU HAVE **** ON YOUR
SWEATER.
OVER THERE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
HAVE **** IN YOUR HAIR.
EVERY **** ONE OF YOU.
IT'S A ROAST YOU ****ERS.
FEEL THE BURN.
TONIGHT, SNOOKI AND HER BABY.
TODD GLASS ANTHONY JESELNIK AND
JEFF ROSS!
ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE HERE.
THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO "THE BURN."
HOW DO I LOOK?
I HAD MY HAIR DONE BY
HURRICANE ISAAC.
LET'S START WITH SOME BIRTHDAY
SHOUT-OUTS.
HERE'S A BOOTY CALL I'D LIKE TO
GIVE 31 SPANKS TO.
HAPPY BURN, BABY.
I'M SURE BEYONCE'S WISH IS THAT
HER DAUGHTER DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
HER HUSBAND.
[LAUGHTER]
LISTEN, EVERYBODY KNOWS I LOVE
JAY Z BUT HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE
HE'S HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION
TO SHELL FOOD.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SEAN
WHITE.
A GUY BEST KNOWN AS THE SLIGHTLY
MORE ****ED UP ROCKY DENNIS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND THIS IS BETSY COOPER, THE
WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING PERSON.
THIS WEEK SHE CELEBRATES HER
116th BIRTHDAY.
[APPLAUSE]
DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVER 109.
ONE OF HER FAVORITE CHILDHOOD
MEMORIES IS TAKING A BOAT RIDE
WITH TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL.
SHE'S 116!
WHEN SHE WAS ASKED HOW SHE LIVED
TO BE SO OLD, SHE SAID COLD?
I'M NOT COLD.
[APPLAUSE]
HAPPY BURN DAY, BETSY!
[APPLAUSE]
EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT PUSSY
RIOT.
YOU HEARD ABOUT PUSSY RIOT?
THE ALL FEMALE BAND FROM RUSSIA
THAT HAS BEEN SENT TO PRISON
BECAUSE THEIR MUSIC CRITICIZED
THE GOVERNMENT.
EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS
THEIR NAME BUT NOBODY HAS HEARD
THEIR MUSIC.
SO LISTEN!
**
EVERYBODY!
[APPLAUSE]
THEY'RE TERRIBLE!
DID SOMEBODY PUT BATH SALTS IN
THEIR BORSCHT?
NOW IS PUTIN ON THEIR iPOD,
RIGHT?
I THINK EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
SHOULD HAVE A VOICE.
I JUST DON'T THINK IT SHOULD
SOUND LIKE TWO CATS **** IN A
DUMPSTER.
[LAUGHTER]
I HAVEN'T SEEN A BAND OF GIRLS
SING THAT BADLY SINCE THE JONAS
BROTHERS.
BUT I WILL SAY THIS.
PRESIDENT PUTIN, IF YOU'RE
WATCHING, AS AN ADVOCATE OF FREE
SPEECH, I'M APPALLED.
AS A HUMAN BEING WITH EAR DRUMS,
I THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
VERY EXCITING NEWS HERE AT "THE
BURN."
AFTER NINE MONTHS, SNOOKI'S
VODKA BROKE AND SHE GAVE BIRTH
TO AMERICA'S NEWEST REALITY
STAR, A HEALTHY BOUNCING SIX
POUNDS, THREE OUNCE MEATBALL
NAMED LORENZO.
I'VE HUNG OUT WITH SNOOKI.
BELIEVE SHE, SHE HAS A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOR.
THAT'S WHY SHE AND BABY LORENSO
ARE THE SUBJECT OF THIS WEEK'S
RAPID FIRE.
THIS IS SNOOKI'S FIRST BABY AND
FOURTH PREGNANCY.
THE BABY SHOULD BE NAME NEW
YEAR'S BALL.
HE WILL BE DROPPED ONCE A YEAR.
JUST TO MAKE HER FEEL
COMFORTABLE, THE DOCTOR GOT HER
DRUNK BEFORE HE SHOVED HIS HAND
IN HER ****.
THERE'S A PREGNANT LADY LAUGHING
AT THIS JOKE.
IT'S OKAY.
ARE YOU PREGNANT?
I HOPE SO.
SNOOKI, YOU'VE MADE HISTORY.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A BABY
HAS EVER COME OUT OF A DUMPSTER.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING BE, BE
LORENZO.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE ONE
MILLIONth GUY TO HANG OUT IN
YOUR MOM'S VAGINA?
THAT'S IT FOR RAPID FIRE.
CONGRATULATIONS, SNOOKI.
THE PARALYMPICS GAMES ARE TAKING
PLACE NOW IN LONDON.
IT'S SO INSPIRATIONAL WHEN
PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR HANDICAPS
TO DO GREAT THINGS.
WHAT ABOUT REGULAR HANDICAP
PEOPLE AT HOME THAT JUST WANT TO
PARK THEIR **** CARS.
DRIVES ME NUTS WHEN I SEE
ABLE-BODIED PEOPLE STEALING
THOSE SPOTS.
THAT'S WHY I SPENT A DAY BURNING
THE PUBLIC ENEMY.
THE DOUCHEBAGS I CALL SPOT
SNATCHERS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHERE IS A SPOT SNATCHER?
OH, ****.
HALT!
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY ILLITERATE.
IT SAYS NO PARKING UNLESS YOU'RE
HANDICAPPED.
I AM A HANDICAP.
REALLY?
BEING **** IS NOT A HANDICAP.
FEEL THE BURN, BITCH!
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, DUDE.
WHY DID YOU PARK HERE?
JUST RAN IN REAL QUICK.
RANCH DRESSING?
YEAH.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A
HURRY DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PARK
IN A HANDICAP SPOT.
BETTER TELL THE HANDICAPPED
PEOPLE YOU'RE SORRY.
SORRY, HANDICAPPED PEOPLE.
I'M KEEPING THE RANCH.
YOU'RE A SPOT SNATCHER.
DON'T COME BACK TO THIS PARKING
LOT AGAIN.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
I'M TIRED OF COMING HERE AND I
HAD TO PARK ACROSS THE STREET.
ALL RIGHT, MAN.
LET'S TAKE IT UP A NOTCH.
MIKE MY FRIENDS, MIKE AND ALVIN.
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
YO!
WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?
ONLY LIMP YOU HAVE IS IN YOUR
PANTS.
I GET IT, THIS IS PAY BACK
FOR ALL THE TIMES I CUT YOU IN
DISNEYLAND, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I USED TO SPEED UP YOUR
****.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE TOLD
YOUR FATHER.
PULL OUT!
BEAT IT, BUDDY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
BEING UGLY IS NOT A
DISABILITY.
YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?
SORRY.
NICE WHEELS, DUDE.
THANKS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
DANIEL.
JEFF.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
A NICE CHAIR.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
I MAKE A GOOD LIVING.
WANT TO RACE?
SURE.
READY?
SET?
GO!
NO HABLO ENGLISH?
NO HABLO.
MOVE THIS PIECE OF ****.
I DON'T SEE ANY CRUTCHES OR
ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW --
YOU WANT A LIFT?
CAN YOU LIFT ME UP?
I HAVE A PERMIT TO HAUL
TRASH.
I KNOW YOU JUST CAME OUT OF THE
WEED STORE AND PARKED IN A
HANDICAP SPOT.
I HAD CATARACT SURGERY.
LET'S SEE THE WEED.
RIGHT THERE.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
ALL RIGHT.
DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A WARNING.
FEEL THE BURN!
****, DUDE!
YES.
DANIEL, THANK YOU.
STAND UP AND TAKE A BOW.
COMING UP NEXT, THREE OF MY
FUNNIEST FRIENDS, TODD GLASS,
ANTHONY JESELNIK.
.
[APPLAUSE]
WOW!
WELCOME BACK.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND, THEIR
TOPS IN THEIR FIELD AND BOTTOMS
IN THEIR BEG, NATASHA LEGGERO,
TODD GLASS AND ANTHONY JESELNIK.
YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, SNOOKI, YOU
LOST THE BABY WEIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
THANKS.
ANTHONY, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW ANTHONY,
HE'S THE BAD GUY IN THE KARATE
KID MOVIES.
I'VE HAD A BAD DAY.
JUST GO LIGHT ON ME.
DON'T START YOUR ****.
I'M SENSITIVE.
YOU KNOW HOW I AM ON STAGE.
YOU GET IT.
NO ****.
HE KNOWS THE REAL TODD GLASS.
SAY **** NICE.
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
TAKE IT EASY, FLINTSTONE.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS THAT TATTOO?
THAT'S NO BIG DEAL.
JUST WHO I AM.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, IT'S NOT.
I JUST -- IT DOES MAKE YOU
LOOK --
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
PEOPLE DO NOTICE IT THOUGH.
MAYBE TODD IS COOLER THAN WE
THOUGHT.
NO.
DON'T CLAP FOR HIS PROPS.
[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU RIPPING UP YOUR JOKES
ALREADY?
I KNEW THAT MADE NO SENSE FOR
ME TO PICK SOMETHING UP BUT
COMEDICALLY IT WORKED.
WHAT IS FIRST ON OUR HIT LIST
TODAY?
OH, YEAH, AFTER YEARS OF DENYING
DOPING CHARGES, LANCE ARMSTRONG
HAS BEEN BANNED FROM CYCLING
ABOUT STRIPPED OF HIS SEVEN TOUR
DE FRANCE MEDALS.
HE'S SICK OF DEFENDING HIMSELF.
HE SAYS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
THE ONLY TIMES FANS SPORT
CHEATING --
[LAUGHTER]
HOLD ON.
THE ONLY TIME SPORTS FANS
SUPPORT SOMEBODY CHEATING IN A
YELLOW JERSEY --
WANT ME TO HOLD IT UP?
SERIOUSLY.
THE ONLY TIME SPORTS FANS
SUPPORT SOMEBODY CHEATING IN A
YELLOW JERSEY IS WHEN THEY'RE
SUPPORTING KOBE BRYANT.
I DON'T BELIEVE A ****.
THANK YOU.
I'D HAVE TO BE ON A BRIEF
CASE FULL OF DRUGS TO ENJOY A
BICYCLE RACE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
ANYBODY WOULD WATCH A BICYCLE
RACE.
NO ONE DOES.
WHO WATCHES THEM?
NO ONE.
THAT'S WHY IT'S IN FRANCE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHAT IS NEXT?
WOMEN'S GROUP CODE PINK IS
PROTESTING OUTSIDE THE GOP
DRESSED AS GIANT VAGINAS.
THEY SAY IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE
WAR ON WOMEN.
I'M WEARING A BEAUTIFUL
ARTISTIC REPRESENTATION OF A
SACRED AND SPECIAL PART OF A
WOMAN'S BODY, THE VAGINA.
THANK YOU FLORIST THE
PATORIST.
THEY LOOK LIKE EXTRAS IN A
STAR TREK PORN PARODY.
CODE PINK, I'M ON YOUR SIDE
BUT THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU WIN
THE WAR ON WOMEN.
WHY WOULD ANYBODY DRESS UP IN A
CRAZY COSTUME TO GET ATTENTION?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WAIT.
WAS THAT FOR ATTENTION?
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY
JOKES.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, THE ONLY REASON I CAN DO
THAT IS BECAUSE I HAVE JOKES.
IF THEY WANTED TO SCARE THE
REPUBLICANS, THEY SHOULD HAVE
DRESSED AS MEXICAN VAGINAS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
MEN ARE TELLING US WE CAN'T
HAVE ABORTIONS.
MEN STARTED WARS.
THE WORST THING A WOMAN HAS EVER
DONE IS **** FLAV-A-FLAV.
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK, THESE WOMEN WITH THE
BIRTH CONTROL --
[LAUGHTER]
-- IT SHOULDN'T BE A CHOICE BUT
LOOKING AT THESE WOMEN.
IT SHOULD BE MANDATORY.
[LAUGHTER]
THE ONE GROUP THAT HASN'T
WEIGHED IN IS RAPE BABIES.
ANTHONY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU THINK I'M A RAPE BABY?
YEAH.
MY MOM WAS ASKING FOR IT.
[LAUGHTER]
NICE.
JUST TO BE CLEAR, MITT ROMNEY
DOES SAY IF YOU'RE RAPED BY A
HOMELESS PERSON WHO IS ALSO YOUR
BROTHER, YOU DO HAVE TO KEEP THE
BABY.
BUT ONLY IN THAT CASE.
I MEAN, JOKES ASIDE, WE SAID
UNDERSTAND WHAT?
WHERE THE **** ARE WE?
IT'S AN IMPORTANT ISSUE AS A
WOMAN.
I CARE ABOUT IT.
THAT'S THE NAME OF TODD'S ONE
MAN SHOW.
TAKE YOUR LITTLE ****,
ROSS.
THANKS, TODD.
HEY --
YOU MOTHER ****.
HE'S READING MY --
>>
[LAUGHTER]
.
GO AHEAD.
PLUS, AREN'T TALKING VAGINAS
WHAT MEN WANT ANYWAY?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS NEXT, ED?
[LAUGHTER]
THERE'S A WOMAN IN NEW JERSEY
SUFFERING FROM A RARE MEDICAL
CONDITION WHICH CAUSES HER TO
HAVE HUNDREDS OF UNWANTED
ORGASMS.
WOW!
PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S B-ROLL
FOOTAGE OF THIS.
[LAUGHTER]
HOW MANY ORGASMS HAVE YOU HAD
IN A DAY?
WHAT IS THE MOST YOU CAN HAVE?
SERIOUSLY.
LATELY?
YEAH.
PRETEND YOUR DAD IS NOT HERE.
DON'T WORRY.
HE THINKS HE'S AT THE SALLY
JESSIE RAFEAL SHOW.
[LAUGHTER]
ANTHONY, ARE YOU OKAY?
I THINK I'M DOING THE BEST
HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE RIGHT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU, I FEEL
LIKE I'M ABOUT TO GET
RICK-ROLLED.
**
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
COMING UP NEXT --
SWEAR TO GOD.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT.
WELCOME BACK.
ED, WHAT IS NEXT?
IT'S A FLORIDA MAN'S PET
MONKEY WAS SHOT AFTER HE
ATTACKED HIS HAND.
[LAUGHTER]
BY THE WAY, THIS IS THE BEST
HEADLINE EVERYBODY.
NEIGHBOR SHOTS McCOCK DEAD.
YEAH.
THIS POOR MONKEY, NOT ONLY WAS
IT SHOT IN THE HEAD, IT'S MAN OF
THE DIRTY MEAL OF A FLORIDIAN.
MY COUSIN ED IS A DIRTY
FLORIDIAN.
LOOKS LIKE ONE.
I MISSED THE GOOD OLD DAYS
WHEN MONKEYS SMOKED CIGARETTES
AND TORE OFF WOMEN'S FACES.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
ALL SERIOUSNESS --
[LAUGHTER]
-- THEY DRESS THEM UP IN
DIAPERS.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN HEAR IS
IT'S YOUR TURN TO CHANGE THE
MONKEY.
SWEAR TO GOD.
[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU OKAY, TODD.
I WAS HOPING THERE WOULD BE A
P.A. THAT WOULD HAVE FIXED THAT
BY NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
I GOT IT, TODD.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S A JOKE IF I SAY IT AND I DO
IT MYSELF.
IF I DON'T DO IT MYSELF, PEOPLE
GO HMM.
TODD, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT.
NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT THIS
SHOW.
I'M SERIOUS.
IT'S FUN.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YOU, SHE HAS 100
ORGASMS A DAY AND SHE'S STILL
COMPLAINING.
THAT PROVES WOMEN ARE NEVER
HAPPY.
TODD, THAT'S IT.
WE LEFT THAT 20 MINUTES AGO.
I KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
WE DID THAT BIT ALREADY.
I KNOW.
A WRITER WROTE IT, TOLD HIS
FAMILY TO WATCH THE SHOW.
HE CAN SAY "I WROTE THAT ONE."
ANTHONY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
TODD'S LIVE ACT BEFORE?
I TRIED TO.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW.
I SEEM LIKE A BIG GUY, BUT DEEP
DOWN, I'M JUST A REGULAR ****
IDIOT LIKE YOU PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT.
TODD, YOU'RE SO **** FUNNY.
IT'S A MIRACLE YOU'RE NOT
FAMOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
NATASHA, IF YOU HAD TO PICK SEX
WITH EITHER ANTHONY OR TODD, YOU
WERE ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH THE
TWO OF THEM AND I KNOW THIS IS A
LITTLE RANDOM AND I REALIZE YOUR
DAD IS WATCHING AT THE SAME
TIME --
IS YOUR DAD HERE?
IS HE ONE OF THE CHOICES?
NO.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE YOU'RE
GOING TO HURT MY FEELINGS.
OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO PICK
YOU.
HONESTLY, THE FIRST TIME I
SAW TODD, WHO IS THAT
CHARISMATIC MAN.
WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND TIME?
[LAUGHTER]
THANKS FOR BEING SO NICE.
KEEP IT GOING FOR MY FRIENDS
TODD, ANTHONY, NATASHA.
GO SEE THEM LIVE.
THEY'RE THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN
THE WORLD.
GO TO THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN
SEE US SPEED ROASTING THE
AUDIENCE.
COMING UP NEXT -- SO SOON?
THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MAN
KIND.
LEGENDARY ASTRONAUT NEIL
ARMSTRONG HAS LEFT EARTH, THIS
TIME FOR GOOD.
HE WAS 82 YEARS OLD.
HE IS SURVIVED BY HIS SONS,
LOUIS, STRETCH AND LANCE.
THE ARMSTRONG'S MOST FAMOUS
WORDS WILL FOREVER BE UPSTAGED
BY HIS INFAMOUS LAST WORDS,
**** BUZZ ALDRIN.
SOMEBODY TURN IT ON JUDGE JUDY.
IS ANYBODY ELSE ON?
YOU KNOW, ARMSTRONG NEVER
EXPLOITED GOING TO MOON FOR
PROFIT.
HE LEFT THAT **** TO TOM
HANKS AND RON HOWARD.
NEIL'S LAST WISH WAS TO HAVE HIS
BODY CREMATED.
JUST LIKE THOSE ASTRONAUTS IN
THE 80s.
TOO SOON?
NEIL ARMSTRONG GUIDED HIS MOTION
TO THE MOON WITH LESS TECHNOLOGY
THAN WHAT IS IN YOUR iPHONES
RIGHT NOW.
THINK ABOUT THAT THE NEXT TIME
YOU ASK SIRI TO YOGURTLAND, YOU
****.
TO NEIL ARMSTRONG TO INFINITI
AND BEYOND.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
SEE YOU SOON, BUT NOT TOO SOON.
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
HOW IS IT GOING, BUDDY?
GREAT.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY COMING UP.
9-11?
[LAUGHTER]
TODD, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
GUY?
SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A SPEED ROAST, TODD.
DON'T YOU GET IT?
THAT GUY IS A ****
LUNATIC.
WHY THE **** WOULD YOU STAND
UP AND ASK TO BE ROASTED?
TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF!
WHAT ARE YOU **** SICK?
HAVE A LITTLE SELF-RESPECT!
HE LOOKS LIKE A NICE GUY.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN HE WALKS
AROUND.
PEOPLE SAY **** AND HE KNOWS
IT.
HE HAS TO ASK FOR IT?
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.