The Burn with Jeff Ross (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Jimmy Kimmel/Jim Norton/Bobby Lee/Mary Lynn Rajskub - full transcript
Jeff roasts bouncers.
[MUSIC].
FEEL THE BURN SNCHL TONIGHT
KIMMEL.
MARY LATE WRITE.
BOBBY LEE AND HONEY FO-FO.
PLEASE WELCOME!
WELCOME TO BURN.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT LET'S START WITH BURN
SHOUT OUTS.
MC CALLY CALKIN TURNS THAT THIS
WEEK, POUNDS.
OH, MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?
[APPLAUSE].
HE LOOKS LIKE FUNERAL HOME
ALONE.
[LAUGHTER].
HE IS MOST FAME US AS A CHILD
ACTOR FIGHTING OFF 2 INTRUDERS
MICHAEL JACKSON'S MIDDLE AND
INDEX FINGERS.
IT COME FROM LOVE.
PEOPLE.
OF COURSE A BIG HEY TO ABRIL
WHO GOT ENGAGED TO LEAD SINGER
OF NICKEL BACK.
I'D SAY THEY MAKE BEAUTIFUL
MUSIC BUT WHY SHOULD THEY START
NOW?
[LAUGHTER].
ALL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF UNTALENTED PEOPLE
TEAMING UP LAST WEEK THE
EXPENDABLES 2 OPENED HUGE.
I COULDN'T RESIST SWINGING BY
MY LOCAL MOVIE THEATRE 3
AFTERNOON TO BURN
UNEMPLOYABLES.
HOW STONED ARE YOU NOW?
BARELY.
LOOK AT YOU GUYS, WHAT ARE
YOU IN DAY CAMP.
SIR, I LOVED YOU IN THE
EXPENDABLES.
[LAUGHTER].
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
SAW AN AD THEY WILL HAVE THE
FIGHT OF THEIR LIFE AGAINST
WHAT, PROSTATE CANCER.
YOU ARE IN BETTER SHAPE THAN
THE OLD GUYS.
[LAUGHTER] HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE
GOING BACK TO SCHOOL SOON?
[APPLAUSE] PENN STATE
UNIVERSITY WAS NAMED THE
SEVENTH BIGGEST PARTY SCHOOL IN
THE NATION.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT
KIND MUCH CRAZY -- GOES ON IN
THE SCHOOLS 1-6.
[LAUGHTER].
[APPLAUSE] SHOUT OUT TO LESBIAN
BROTHERS AND SISTER WELL IS
NEWS ON THE EQUAL RIGHT'S
FRONT.
LAST WEEK TAMMY SMITH BECAME
THE FIRST OPENLY GAY GENERAL IN
THE U.S. ARMY.
GIVE HER LOVE.
[APPLAUSE].
HER PARTNER.
IN BASIC TRAINING, TAMMY WAS
COMMENDED FOR BEING ABLE TO
ASEMBLE HER STRAP ON IN UNDER
30 SECONDS WHILE BLINDFOLDED.
I LOVE HER HAIRCUT SHE TOLD THE
BAR BER TO GIVE HER THE DAVID
SPADE.
CONGRATULATIONS GENERAL SMITH
THE ARMY GOT A LITTLE STRONG
ARE.
SPEAKING OF WOMEN WHO CAN KICK
MY ASS MY COMEDY SISTER ROSY
OSHG DONNEL SUFFERED A HEART
ATTACK.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING
SHEATE.
AFTERNOON ATTEMPTS TO CALL 911
HER STUBBY IF ANYTHINGERS
HITTING 8'S AND 2'S.
SHE GOT THROUGH.
SHE WILL BE OKAY.
GET WELL SOON, ROSY.
SOMETIMES I THINK THE PEOPLE
WHO RUN THE LEARNING CHANNEL
MUST HAVE DROPPED OUT OF HIGH
SCHOOL.
FIRST DAY TODDLERS AND TIARAS.
THAT WAS TOO CLASSY.
NOW THERE IS A SPIN OFF CALLED,
HERE COME HONEY B. O.-B. O.
YES WE ALL RED NECKS.
NO WE ARE NOT RED NECKS.
YES, WE ARE.
WE ALL HAVE OUR TEETH,
DON'T WE?
LOOK IT IS KEEPING UP WITH
THE WHITE TRASHIANS.
[APPLAUSE] BY SIGNING UP FOR
REALITY SHOWS THE HICKS ARE
ASKING FOR IT THEY OTHER TARGET
OF RAPID FIRE!
[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT.
HONEY BO-BO ENROLL INDEED KIND
ARE GARTEN THE REST OF THE
FAMILY CALLS HER PROFESSOR THE
GUY PLAYING THE MOTHER IS GREAT
SHE HAS TYPE 2 DIABETES.
MORE EMBARRASSING SHE HAS 3
MORE KIDS LIVE NOTHING THAT
NECK.
[LAUGHTER].
WHY IS HONEY BO-BO GETTING
BEAUTY TIPS FROM SOMEONE WHO
LOOKS BIKE A BEAN BAG CHAIR
WITH EYES.
THEY DECIDED TO GET TOGETHER
AND IRON OUT THEIR DIFFERENCES.
[LAUGHTER].
TINA LOHAN.
ROMAN PO LANSKI.
CASEY ANTHONY.
PEOPLE THAT ARE MORE SUITED
RAISE CHILDREN.
[APPLAUSE].
THE FATHER SUGAR BEER --
[LAUGHTER] ALWAYS LOOKS LAID
BACK I WOULD BE LAID BACK IF I
WAS MARRIED TO A WATERBED.
BITE WAY, WHY IS THE
PREGNANT GIRL THE SKINIEST ONE
ON THE SHOW?
SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT
JOHN BINAY BUT AT LEAST SHE WAS
SEXY.
[LAUGHTER].
THANK YOU.
MY LIFE I WAS AN OUTSIDE ARE
LOOKING IN.
THIS WEEK'S PUBLIC ENEMIES ARE
THE WORST SOUL CRUSH BEING GATE
KEEPERS OUT THERE.
BOUNCERS.
BOUNCERS HAVE BEEN
TORTURING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE.
IT IS TIME FOR PAY BACK.
BOUNCER BEWARE!
HOLY MACKEREL YOU LOOK
FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU.
I'M ROASTING BOUNCERS.
SPEAKING OF BOUNCERS LOOK AT
THESE BOUNCERS RIGHT HERE.
LET US IN.
COME ON LET US IN.
LET US IN.
HOW DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL
LIKE INJECTING YOU WITH
STEROIDS
LOOK AT YOU -- THAT'S YOUR
BEER?
OH, MY GOD.
REMINDS ME WHEN I HAD SEX WITH
BETTY WHITE ONE TIME.
FIGHTING WHILE YOU REBUILD A
MOTORCYCLE?
[LAUGHTER].
YOU ARE SCARY.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU RIPPED
YOUR OWN DICK OFF MASTER
MASTURBATING?
YOU LET PEOPLE IN THE BACKYARD
A LOT?
DON'T RUN AWAY.
I AIN'T RUNNING AWAY IS
THAT MICROPHONE REAL?
TALK INTO IT PRETEND IT IS A
PENIS
PENIS.
I'M CLEAN.
YOU ARE WATCHING THE BURN ONLY
ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
SEE, THERE IS YOUR PROEMMO PIECE.
THAT WAS A HOMO PIECE.
THANKS, MOM!
[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT LISTEN,
FOR THE RECORD ON MY SHOW
EVERYBODY IS RULED OUT
ESPECIALLY JIMMIE KI78EL AND
HIS CRAZY COUSIN SAUL THEY'RE
COMING UP SOON BUT NOT TOO
JIM NORTON, BOBBY LEE... I
LOVE IT.
YOU GUISE LOOK GREAT.
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SET.
THANK YOU.
LIKE WE ARE SHOOTING THE
MOVIE, SAW.
[LAUGHTER].
COMEDY CENTRAL'S BASEMENT
HERE.
[LAUGHTER].
BOBBY LEE I WANT TO THANK YOUR
MOM ANGELINA JOLIE FOR LETTING
YOU COME OUT HERE.
[LAUGHTER].
I HAVE JAUNDICED.
[LAUGHTER] YOU FEEL BAD WHEN
YOU BROKE UP THE BEETLES?
[LAUGHTER].
SORRY.
JEFF, I'M HAPPY TO HERE AND I
THINK YOU LOOK GOOD AND PRETTY
WITH YOUR LONG HAIR.
THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A 40 YEAR OLD
HONEY BO-BO.
[LAUGHTER].
THANK YOU.
HONEY BO-BO.
YOU LOOK LIKE MR. ROPER IN AN
ALSHARPTON WIG.
[LAUGHTER].
THANK YOU.
WHEN YOU GET THAT HAIRCUT
DO YOU HAVE TO GET THE TATTOO
ON THERE?
WHEN IS THERE TO TALK BCHL
WOMEN ARE ADMITTING THEY ARE
HAS HORNY AS DUDES.
50 SHADES OF GRAY AND BARNS
AND NOBLE ARE STAYING OUT OF
CHAPT ARE 11.
DO YOU MASTURBATE TO 50 SHADES
OF GRAY?
I'LL ADMIT I USED BOOK THE
ACTUAL BOOK I STOOD ON IT.
[LAUGHTER].
THE NAMES IN THESE THINGSAN
STASHIA MEETS WITH CHRISTIAN
THAT IS NOT MALE PORN.
IT IS LIKE LOOK AT MS. TITS
WITH THE LEUKEMIA BROTHERS.
[LAUGHTER] I LOVE IN THE BOOK
THEY MET FOR COFFEE TO TALK IT
OFFER.
PORN THE COFFEE IS USED IN AN
ENEMA.
[LAUGHTER].
I WANTED YOU TO SPEAK ON THIS
TOPIC OF WOMEN'S EROTICA
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE A FREAK.
I'M A PIECE OF GARBAGE, YEA.
YOU DON'T ARE THEED PORN YOU
WATCH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO READ
ABOUT T. WHY IS SHE BLOWING THE
5 SOCCER PLAYERS?
[LAUGHTER].
NO.
I DON'T.
BOBBY LEE YOU MASTURBATE A LOT,
DON'T YOU?
YEA, HOW DID YOU KNOW.
I MASTURBATE A LOT I DIDN'T FOR
3 WEEK WHEN IS I DID IT YOU
KNOW WHAT CAME OUT?
AN MARSHMELLOW.
IT HURT SO BAD MY BEDROOMED
LIKE GHOST BUSTERS.
DRIPPING FROM THE CEILING!
[LAUGHTER].
AM I WILL OENT GUY HERE WITH AN
ERECTION?
[LAUGHTER] MY GOSH.
I LOVE YOU, BOBBY.
YOU OFFER A DIFFERENT SLANT.
[LAUGHTER].
WHAT IS NEXT, TED.
FACE BOOK STOCK IS WORTH HALF
OF WHAT IT USED TO BE PEOPLE
ARE CALLING FOR MARK
ZUKERBERG'S HEAD.
HE HAS BEEN UNFRIENDED FOR 8
BILLION DOLLARS.
HE IS A BILLIONAIRE AND HAS AN
ASIAN WIFE YOU CAN BUY ONE ON
THE INTERNET.
I HAVE THEE AT HOME.
1 COOKS WHAT CLEANS AND ONE IS
DEAD THEY ARE LAKE GOLDFISH.
[LAUGHTER].
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD MAKE
FUN OF MARK HE LOOKS LIKE
SCREECH WITH DOWNS SYNDROME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE SECRET
PHOTOS OF YOUR FRIEND'S
DAUGHTERS ANYMORE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU GUYS ARE SO FILTHY HOW
CAN I FOLLOW UP WITH MY FRIENDS
MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT
TAGGING MY PHOTO.
I WAS AT THE PARTY WITH YOU
HAVING A CONVERSATION.
DOESN'T WORK.
I KNOW I'M TRYING --
[APPLAUSE].
YOU ARE LIKE, AN OUTSTANDING
CITIZEN AND YOU SHOULD ARE
GENEROUS.
WHAT IS NEXT?
EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT MIXED
MARSHALL ART'S STAR RHONDA
ROUSY.
SHE WAS ON THE COVER OF ESPN'S
THE BODY ISSUE.
SHE IS RANKED NUMBER ONE IN THE
WORLD.
WOW SHE LOOKS GOOD.
THE ONLY ESPN MAGAZINE COVER
THAT GOT GLOSIER AFTER PEOPLE
BOUGHT IT.
I LOVE STRONG WOMEN.
RHONDA IN CASE YOU ARE WATCHING
MY SAFE WORD IS, OW.
I LIKE THEY ARE PHYSICALLY
GETTING THEIR ARGUMENTS OUT.
THEY ARE LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WORE THAT SAME LEOTARD AS
ME.
LET'S GO SHAPING AFTER THIS BUT
YOU BETTER DRIVE IN CASE I
BREAK YOUR LEGS FIRST.
I DON'T THINK SHE IS HOT
SHE IS WEARING MAKE UP.
SHE LOOK LIKE MICHAEL CHICK
WITH HAIR.
A BUFF VAGINA.
HAIR ON THE INSIDE AND IT
GROWLS.
I WILL NOT HEAR BAD MOUTHING OF
RHONDA SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND I
WOULD GLADLY SUCK HER --.
MAY BE BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE
AN UNCIRCUMSIZED PENIS.
THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU HUGD
AND KISSED ME WHEN YOU WALKED
IN.
[APPLAUSE].
ALL RIGHT!
WELL... YOU MADE IT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY.
ANSWER GOOD.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.
WOW YOU BROUGHT SAUL.
THEY HAVE WAITERS HERE YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING SAUL.
IT IS.
HAVE A SEAT, JEFF.
TRY A COUPLE OF ANGLES HERE.
OH, NO YOU DON'T WANT YOUR
FACE IN THIS.
DON'T WANT YOUR FACE IN THIS.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT.
YOU LOOK LIKE FRAN LEBO PUT ON
80 POUNDS.
[LAUGHTER].
DO YOU HAVE A MIRROR IN YOUR
HOUSE?
LAST YEAR DAVE HOSTED; RIGHT.
GET SOMEBODY WITH A SMALL ARE
DICK?
[LAUGHTER].
CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR OPENING
MONOLOGUE.
THANK YOU.
FIRST HOST TO GET THE WALK OFF
MUSIC.
[LAUGHTER].
YOU ARE ON THE FON, LADY WHAT
DO YOU WANT FROM US?
COME ON, JIMMIE.
DID THAT RASH CLEAR UP.
THIS IS JIMMIE KIMMEL, ANYWAY
INCOME TIME I'M OUT THERE I
WILL GLADLY PUT MY FINGER IN
YOUR --
THAT IS JIMMIE KIMMEL FOR
YOU.
[LAUGHTER].
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING
ENGAGED.
YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR FIANCE'S
BUT YOU BROUGHT YOUR -- THAT IS
GREAT.
[LAUGHTER].
TAKE IT BACK.
TAKE IT BACK.
STOP!
SERIOUSLY.
I TAKE IT BACK!
TAKE IT BACK!
DON'T STOP OR I WILL SQUIRT
LEMON IN HIS EYE.
[LAUGHTER].
OKAY.
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING
GOOD PALS.
SUPPORTING ME AND -- I KNOW
UNCLE FRANK SUP THERE NOW IN
HEAVEN LOOKING DOWN ON EARTH
AND WATCHING JAY LENO.
[LAUGHTER]
YEA!
ALL RIGHT.
KEEP IT GOING FOR JIMMIE
KIMMEL!
[APPLAUSE].
OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE TO HAVE A
GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR TO BE
PARKING LOT OF THIS SHOW WHO
WANTS TO BE SPEED ROASTED?
HOW IS IT GOING?
COME UP HERE, SIR.
YOU ARE FIRST.
BOBBY, LOOK AT THIS GUY.
WOW DISGUSTING!
[LAUGHTER].
YOU HAD YOUR HAND UP.
STAND UP.
HOW IS IT GOING, MAN.
LOVED YOU IN TWILIGHT!
THANK YOU.
GIVE IT UP FOR KRISTIN
STEWART, EVERYBODY.
[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT.
LADIES DISEE HANDS COME UP OVER
HERE.
THE SPICE GIRLS ARE HERE!
[LAUGHTER].
COME UP HERE.
WOW.
HOLY -- -- HOW IS IT GOING.
WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED FOR?
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS OUT
FIT.
BOBBY LEE?
ASIANS WEAR YELLOW MAKES IT
ELECTRIC LIKE SHE IS WEARING NO
SHIRT.
[LAUGHTER].
YOU DRESS LIKE DOG THE BOUNTY
HUNTER.
HOT ASIAN CHICK.
I WANTED TO -- YOU SINCE KILL
BILL.
[LAUGHTER].
THAT IS AWESOME.
BOBBY LEE ANY CLOSING THOUGHTS
LIKE YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
I DON'T DATE ASIANS.
IN THE DARK THEY LOOK LIKE
OTHER ASIAN PEOPLE.
THAT IS MY UNCLE HAN!
[LAUGHTER].
IT IS CONNY CHUNG!
I DON'T DATE ASIAN PEOPLE,
EITHER.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT IS SICK.
I WILL DO IT NOW -- --
[LAUGHTER] AM I THE ONLY GUY
HERE WITH AN ERECTION?
THIS WEEK THE WORLD LOST
TOP GUN DIRECTOR, TONY SCOTT.
THE MAN WHO LAUNCHED TOM
CRUISE'S CAREER MADE HIS
BIGGEST SPLASH IN HOLLYWOOD
WHEN HE LAUNCHED HIMSELF OFF A
BRIDGE INTO THE L.A. HARBOR.
[LAUGHTER].
TONY WILL BE REMEMBERED AS A
GREAT DIRECTOR AND REALLY LOUSY
STUNT MAN.
[LAUGHTER] HIS BROTHER RIDLEY
WAS SO DEVASTATED HE WENT TO A
BRIDGE EXCEPT HIS HAD A BIG ARE
BUDGET AND MORE CRITICALLY
ACLAIMED.
SML REMEMBER TONY FOR TOP GUN
OR TRUE ROMANCE AND FOR THOSE
WHO FOUND HIM BLEEDING IN THE
WATER TELL ALWAYS BE CRIMSON
TIDE.
TOAST TONY SCOTT WITH THE LAST
DRINK HE EVER HAD.
SALT WATER ON THE ROCKS
[APPLAUSE] I ALSO HAVE TO
MENTION THE PASSING OF MY
REASONED PHYLLIS DILLAR SHE WAS
A WONDERFUL LADY REPORTER OF
THE TRUTH AND TELLING JOKES
BEFORE THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE
ROAD.
PHYLLIS BROKE THE GLASS CEILING
FOR ALL FEMALE COMICS JUST BY
LOOKING AT IT.
HERE SHE IS BACK IN THE DAY
BEING HI LARIOUS BURNING A
FUTURE PRESIDENT.
ROLLED UP IN FRONT OF THE
STUDIO A WOMAN SCREAMED RONALD
HERE IS HERE THE GOVERNOR IS
HERE.
I THOUGHT NANCY WOULD NEVER
SHUT UP.
FUNNY LADY THAT'S OUR SHOW.
FUNNY LADY THAT'S OUR SHOW.
SEE YOU SOON!
SEE YOU SOON!
SEE YOU SOON!
NOT TOO SOON.
NOT TOO SOON.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]IOYOU BROUGHT YOUR WHOLE
DEMOGRAPHIC THAT IS TERRIFIC.
HE AND OBAMA HIGH 5ED.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YEA, YEA.
YOU LIKE THAT.
I ENJOYED IT.
CONNECTION.
YEA HONESTLY I NEVER TOUCHED
A BLACK PERSON BEFORE.
ARE YOU SERIOUS.
YOU BET YOU NEVER CUSSED
ONE EITHER, HUH?
[LAUGHTER].
THAT I HAVE DONE.
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
FEEL THE BURN SNCHL TONIGHT
KIMMEL.
MARY LATE WRITE.
BOBBY LEE AND HONEY FO-FO.
PLEASE WELCOME!
WELCOME TO BURN.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT LET'S START WITH BURN
SHOUT OUTS.
MC CALLY CALKIN TURNS THAT THIS
WEEK, POUNDS.
OH, MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?
[APPLAUSE].
HE LOOKS LIKE FUNERAL HOME
ALONE.
[LAUGHTER].
HE IS MOST FAME US AS A CHILD
ACTOR FIGHTING OFF 2 INTRUDERS
MICHAEL JACKSON'S MIDDLE AND
INDEX FINGERS.
IT COME FROM LOVE.
PEOPLE.
OF COURSE A BIG HEY TO ABRIL
WHO GOT ENGAGED TO LEAD SINGER
OF NICKEL BACK.
I'D SAY THEY MAKE BEAUTIFUL
MUSIC BUT WHY SHOULD THEY START
NOW?
[LAUGHTER].
ALL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF UNTALENTED PEOPLE
TEAMING UP LAST WEEK THE
EXPENDABLES 2 OPENED HUGE.
I COULDN'T RESIST SWINGING BY
MY LOCAL MOVIE THEATRE 3
AFTERNOON TO BURN
UNEMPLOYABLES.
HOW STONED ARE YOU NOW?
BARELY.
LOOK AT YOU GUYS, WHAT ARE
YOU IN DAY CAMP.
SIR, I LOVED YOU IN THE
EXPENDABLES.
[LAUGHTER].
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
SAW AN AD THEY WILL HAVE THE
FIGHT OF THEIR LIFE AGAINST
WHAT, PROSTATE CANCER.
YOU ARE IN BETTER SHAPE THAN
THE OLD GUYS.
[LAUGHTER] HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE
GOING BACK TO SCHOOL SOON?
[APPLAUSE] PENN STATE
UNIVERSITY WAS NAMED THE
SEVENTH BIGGEST PARTY SCHOOL IN
THE NATION.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT
KIND MUCH CRAZY -- GOES ON IN
THE SCHOOLS 1-6.
[LAUGHTER].
[APPLAUSE] SHOUT OUT TO LESBIAN
BROTHERS AND SISTER WELL IS
NEWS ON THE EQUAL RIGHT'S
FRONT.
LAST WEEK TAMMY SMITH BECAME
THE FIRST OPENLY GAY GENERAL IN
THE U.S. ARMY.
GIVE HER LOVE.
[APPLAUSE].
HER PARTNER.
IN BASIC TRAINING, TAMMY WAS
COMMENDED FOR BEING ABLE TO
ASEMBLE HER STRAP ON IN UNDER
30 SECONDS WHILE BLINDFOLDED.
I LOVE HER HAIRCUT SHE TOLD THE
BAR BER TO GIVE HER THE DAVID
SPADE.
CONGRATULATIONS GENERAL SMITH
THE ARMY GOT A LITTLE STRONG
ARE.
SPEAKING OF WOMEN WHO CAN KICK
MY ASS MY COMEDY SISTER ROSY
OSHG DONNEL SUFFERED A HEART
ATTACK.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING
SHEATE.
AFTERNOON ATTEMPTS TO CALL 911
HER STUBBY IF ANYTHINGERS
HITTING 8'S AND 2'S.
SHE GOT THROUGH.
SHE WILL BE OKAY.
GET WELL SOON, ROSY.
SOMETIMES I THINK THE PEOPLE
WHO RUN THE LEARNING CHANNEL
MUST HAVE DROPPED OUT OF HIGH
SCHOOL.
FIRST DAY TODDLERS AND TIARAS.
THAT WAS TOO CLASSY.
NOW THERE IS A SPIN OFF CALLED,
HERE COME HONEY B. O.-B. O.
YES WE ALL RED NECKS.
NO WE ARE NOT RED NECKS.
YES, WE ARE.
WE ALL HAVE OUR TEETH,
DON'T WE?
LOOK IT IS KEEPING UP WITH
THE WHITE TRASHIANS.
[APPLAUSE] BY SIGNING UP FOR
REALITY SHOWS THE HICKS ARE
ASKING FOR IT THEY OTHER TARGET
OF RAPID FIRE!
[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT.
HONEY BO-BO ENROLL INDEED KIND
ARE GARTEN THE REST OF THE
FAMILY CALLS HER PROFESSOR THE
GUY PLAYING THE MOTHER IS GREAT
SHE HAS TYPE 2 DIABETES.
MORE EMBARRASSING SHE HAS 3
MORE KIDS LIVE NOTHING THAT
NECK.
[LAUGHTER].
WHY IS HONEY BO-BO GETTING
BEAUTY TIPS FROM SOMEONE WHO
LOOKS BIKE A BEAN BAG CHAIR
WITH EYES.
THEY DECIDED TO GET TOGETHER
AND IRON OUT THEIR DIFFERENCES.
[LAUGHTER].
TINA LOHAN.
ROMAN PO LANSKI.
CASEY ANTHONY.
PEOPLE THAT ARE MORE SUITED
RAISE CHILDREN.
[APPLAUSE].
THE FATHER SUGAR BEER --
[LAUGHTER] ALWAYS LOOKS LAID
BACK I WOULD BE LAID BACK IF I
WAS MARRIED TO A WATERBED.
BITE WAY, WHY IS THE
PREGNANT GIRL THE SKINIEST ONE
ON THE SHOW?
SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT
JOHN BINAY BUT AT LEAST SHE WAS
SEXY.
[LAUGHTER].
THANK YOU.
MY LIFE I WAS AN OUTSIDE ARE
LOOKING IN.
THIS WEEK'S PUBLIC ENEMIES ARE
THE WORST SOUL CRUSH BEING GATE
KEEPERS OUT THERE.
BOUNCERS.
BOUNCERS HAVE BEEN
TORTURING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE.
IT IS TIME FOR PAY BACK.
BOUNCER BEWARE!
HOLY MACKEREL YOU LOOK
FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU.
I'M ROASTING BOUNCERS.
SPEAKING OF BOUNCERS LOOK AT
THESE BOUNCERS RIGHT HERE.
LET US IN.
COME ON LET US IN.
LET US IN.
HOW DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND FEEL
LIKE INJECTING YOU WITH
STEROIDS
LOOK AT YOU -- THAT'S YOUR
BEER?
OH, MY GOD.
REMINDS ME WHEN I HAD SEX WITH
BETTY WHITE ONE TIME.
FIGHTING WHILE YOU REBUILD A
MOTORCYCLE?
[LAUGHTER].
YOU ARE SCARY.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU RIPPED
YOUR OWN DICK OFF MASTER
MASTURBATING?
YOU LET PEOPLE IN THE BACKYARD
A LOT?
DON'T RUN AWAY.
I AIN'T RUNNING AWAY IS
THAT MICROPHONE REAL?
TALK INTO IT PRETEND IT IS A
PENIS
PENIS.
I'M CLEAN.
YOU ARE WATCHING THE BURN ONLY
ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
SEE, THERE IS YOUR PROEMMO PIECE.
THAT WAS A HOMO PIECE.
THANKS, MOM!
[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT LISTEN,
FOR THE RECORD ON MY SHOW
EVERYBODY IS RULED OUT
ESPECIALLY JIMMIE KI78EL AND
HIS CRAZY COUSIN SAUL THEY'RE
COMING UP SOON BUT NOT TOO
JIM NORTON, BOBBY LEE... I
LOVE IT.
YOU GUISE LOOK GREAT.
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SET.
THANK YOU.
LIKE WE ARE SHOOTING THE
MOVIE, SAW.
[LAUGHTER].
COMEDY CENTRAL'S BASEMENT
HERE.
[LAUGHTER].
BOBBY LEE I WANT TO THANK YOUR
MOM ANGELINA JOLIE FOR LETTING
YOU COME OUT HERE.
[LAUGHTER].
I HAVE JAUNDICED.
[LAUGHTER] YOU FEEL BAD WHEN
YOU BROKE UP THE BEETLES?
[LAUGHTER].
SORRY.
JEFF, I'M HAPPY TO HERE AND I
THINK YOU LOOK GOOD AND PRETTY
WITH YOUR LONG HAIR.
THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A 40 YEAR OLD
HONEY BO-BO.
[LAUGHTER].
THANK YOU.
HONEY BO-BO.
YOU LOOK LIKE MR. ROPER IN AN
ALSHARPTON WIG.
[LAUGHTER].
THANK YOU.
WHEN YOU GET THAT HAIRCUT
DO YOU HAVE TO GET THE TATTOO
ON THERE?
WHEN IS THERE TO TALK BCHL
WOMEN ARE ADMITTING THEY ARE
HAS HORNY AS DUDES.
50 SHADES OF GRAY AND BARNS
AND NOBLE ARE STAYING OUT OF
CHAPT ARE 11.
DO YOU MASTURBATE TO 50 SHADES
OF GRAY?
I'LL ADMIT I USED BOOK THE
ACTUAL BOOK I STOOD ON IT.
[LAUGHTER].
THE NAMES IN THESE THINGSAN
STASHIA MEETS WITH CHRISTIAN
THAT IS NOT MALE PORN.
IT IS LIKE LOOK AT MS. TITS
WITH THE LEUKEMIA BROTHERS.
[LAUGHTER] I LOVE IN THE BOOK
THEY MET FOR COFFEE TO TALK IT
OFFER.
PORN THE COFFEE IS USED IN AN
ENEMA.
[LAUGHTER].
I WANTED YOU TO SPEAK ON THIS
TOPIC OF WOMEN'S EROTICA
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE A FREAK.
I'M A PIECE OF GARBAGE, YEA.
YOU DON'T ARE THEED PORN YOU
WATCH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO READ
ABOUT T. WHY IS SHE BLOWING THE
5 SOCCER PLAYERS?
[LAUGHTER].
NO.
I DON'T.
BOBBY LEE YOU MASTURBATE A LOT,
DON'T YOU?
YEA, HOW DID YOU KNOW.
I MASTURBATE A LOT I DIDN'T FOR
3 WEEK WHEN IS I DID IT YOU
KNOW WHAT CAME OUT?
AN MARSHMELLOW.
IT HURT SO BAD MY BEDROOMED
LIKE GHOST BUSTERS.
DRIPPING FROM THE CEILING!
[LAUGHTER].
AM I WILL OENT GUY HERE WITH AN
ERECTION?
[LAUGHTER] MY GOSH.
I LOVE YOU, BOBBY.
YOU OFFER A DIFFERENT SLANT.
[LAUGHTER].
WHAT IS NEXT, TED.
FACE BOOK STOCK IS WORTH HALF
OF WHAT IT USED TO BE PEOPLE
ARE CALLING FOR MARK
ZUKERBERG'S HEAD.
HE HAS BEEN UNFRIENDED FOR 8
BILLION DOLLARS.
HE IS A BILLIONAIRE AND HAS AN
ASIAN WIFE YOU CAN BUY ONE ON
THE INTERNET.
I HAVE THEE AT HOME.
1 COOKS WHAT CLEANS AND ONE IS
DEAD THEY ARE LAKE GOLDFISH.
[LAUGHTER].
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD MAKE
FUN OF MARK HE LOOKS LIKE
SCREECH WITH DOWNS SYNDROME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE SECRET
PHOTOS OF YOUR FRIEND'S
DAUGHTERS ANYMORE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU GUYS ARE SO FILTHY HOW
CAN I FOLLOW UP WITH MY FRIENDS
MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT
TAGGING MY PHOTO.
I WAS AT THE PARTY WITH YOU
HAVING A CONVERSATION.
DOESN'T WORK.
I KNOW I'M TRYING --
[APPLAUSE].
YOU ARE LIKE, AN OUTSTANDING
CITIZEN AND YOU SHOULD ARE
GENEROUS.
WHAT IS NEXT?
EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT MIXED
MARSHALL ART'S STAR RHONDA
ROUSY.
SHE WAS ON THE COVER OF ESPN'S
THE BODY ISSUE.
SHE IS RANKED NUMBER ONE IN THE
WORLD.
WOW SHE LOOKS GOOD.
THE ONLY ESPN MAGAZINE COVER
THAT GOT GLOSIER AFTER PEOPLE
BOUGHT IT.
I LOVE STRONG WOMEN.
RHONDA IN CASE YOU ARE WATCHING
MY SAFE WORD IS, OW.
I LIKE THEY ARE PHYSICALLY
GETTING THEIR ARGUMENTS OUT.
THEY ARE LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WORE THAT SAME LEOTARD AS
ME.
LET'S GO SHAPING AFTER THIS BUT
YOU BETTER DRIVE IN CASE I
BREAK YOUR LEGS FIRST.
I DON'T THINK SHE IS HOT
SHE IS WEARING MAKE UP.
SHE LOOK LIKE MICHAEL CHICK
WITH HAIR.
A BUFF VAGINA.
HAIR ON THE INSIDE AND IT
GROWLS.
I WILL NOT HEAR BAD MOUTHING OF
RHONDA SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND I
WOULD GLADLY SUCK HER --.
MAY BE BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE
AN UNCIRCUMSIZED PENIS.
THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU HUGD
AND KISSED ME WHEN YOU WALKED
IN.
[APPLAUSE].
ALL RIGHT!
WELL... YOU MADE IT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY.
ANSWER GOOD.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.
WOW YOU BROUGHT SAUL.
THEY HAVE WAITERS HERE YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING SAUL.
IT IS.
HAVE A SEAT, JEFF.
TRY A COUPLE OF ANGLES HERE.
OH, NO YOU DON'T WANT YOUR
FACE IN THIS.
DON'T WANT YOUR FACE IN THIS.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT.
YOU LOOK LIKE FRAN LEBO PUT ON
80 POUNDS.
[LAUGHTER].
DO YOU HAVE A MIRROR IN YOUR
HOUSE?
LAST YEAR DAVE HOSTED; RIGHT.
GET SOMEBODY WITH A SMALL ARE
DICK?
[LAUGHTER].
CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR OPENING
MONOLOGUE.
THANK YOU.
FIRST HOST TO GET THE WALK OFF
MUSIC.
[LAUGHTER].
YOU ARE ON THE FON, LADY WHAT
DO YOU WANT FROM US?
COME ON, JIMMIE.
DID THAT RASH CLEAR UP.
THIS IS JIMMIE KIMMEL, ANYWAY
INCOME TIME I'M OUT THERE I
WILL GLADLY PUT MY FINGER IN
YOUR --
THAT IS JIMMIE KIMMEL FOR
YOU.
[LAUGHTER].
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING
ENGAGED.
YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR FIANCE'S
BUT YOU BROUGHT YOUR -- THAT IS
GREAT.
[LAUGHTER].
TAKE IT BACK.
TAKE IT BACK.
STOP!
SERIOUSLY.
I TAKE IT BACK!
TAKE IT BACK!
DON'T STOP OR I WILL SQUIRT
LEMON IN HIS EYE.
[LAUGHTER].
OKAY.
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING
GOOD PALS.
SUPPORTING ME AND -- I KNOW
UNCLE FRANK SUP THERE NOW IN
HEAVEN LOOKING DOWN ON EARTH
AND WATCHING JAY LENO.
[LAUGHTER]
YEA!
ALL RIGHT.
KEEP IT GOING FOR JIMMIE
KIMMEL!
[APPLAUSE].
OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE TO HAVE A
GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR TO BE
PARKING LOT OF THIS SHOW WHO
WANTS TO BE SPEED ROASTED?
HOW IS IT GOING?
COME UP HERE, SIR.
YOU ARE FIRST.
BOBBY, LOOK AT THIS GUY.
WOW DISGUSTING!
[LAUGHTER].
YOU HAD YOUR HAND UP.
STAND UP.
HOW IS IT GOING, MAN.
LOVED YOU IN TWILIGHT!
THANK YOU.
GIVE IT UP FOR KRISTIN
STEWART, EVERYBODY.
[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT.
LADIES DISEE HANDS COME UP OVER
HERE.
THE SPICE GIRLS ARE HERE!
[LAUGHTER].
COME UP HERE.
WOW.
HOLY -- -- HOW IS IT GOING.
WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED FOR?
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS OUT
FIT.
BOBBY LEE?
ASIANS WEAR YELLOW MAKES IT
ELECTRIC LIKE SHE IS WEARING NO
SHIRT.
[LAUGHTER].
YOU DRESS LIKE DOG THE BOUNTY
HUNTER.
HOT ASIAN CHICK.
I WANTED TO -- YOU SINCE KILL
BILL.
[LAUGHTER].
THAT IS AWESOME.
BOBBY LEE ANY CLOSING THOUGHTS
LIKE YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
I DON'T DATE ASIANS.
IN THE DARK THEY LOOK LIKE
OTHER ASIAN PEOPLE.
THAT IS MY UNCLE HAN!
[LAUGHTER].
IT IS CONNY CHUNG!
I DON'T DATE ASIAN PEOPLE,
EITHER.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT IS SICK.
I WILL DO IT NOW -- --
[LAUGHTER] AM I THE ONLY GUY
HERE WITH AN ERECTION?
THIS WEEK THE WORLD LOST
TOP GUN DIRECTOR, TONY SCOTT.
THE MAN WHO LAUNCHED TOM
CRUISE'S CAREER MADE HIS
BIGGEST SPLASH IN HOLLYWOOD
WHEN HE LAUNCHED HIMSELF OFF A
BRIDGE INTO THE L.A. HARBOR.
[LAUGHTER].
TONY WILL BE REMEMBERED AS A
GREAT DIRECTOR AND REALLY LOUSY
STUNT MAN.
[LAUGHTER] HIS BROTHER RIDLEY
WAS SO DEVASTATED HE WENT TO A
BRIDGE EXCEPT HIS HAD A BIG ARE
BUDGET AND MORE CRITICALLY
ACLAIMED.
SML REMEMBER TONY FOR TOP GUN
OR TRUE ROMANCE AND FOR THOSE
WHO FOUND HIM BLEEDING IN THE
WATER TELL ALWAYS BE CRIMSON
TIDE.
TOAST TONY SCOTT WITH THE LAST
DRINK HE EVER HAD.
SALT WATER ON THE ROCKS
[APPLAUSE] I ALSO HAVE TO
MENTION THE PASSING OF MY
REASONED PHYLLIS DILLAR SHE WAS
A WONDERFUL LADY REPORTER OF
THE TRUTH AND TELLING JOKES
BEFORE THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE
ROAD.
PHYLLIS BROKE THE GLASS CEILING
FOR ALL FEMALE COMICS JUST BY
LOOKING AT IT.
HERE SHE IS BACK IN THE DAY
BEING HI LARIOUS BURNING A
FUTURE PRESIDENT.
ROLLED UP IN FRONT OF THE
STUDIO A WOMAN SCREAMED RONALD
HERE IS HERE THE GOVERNOR IS
HERE.
I THOUGHT NANCY WOULD NEVER
SHUT UP.
FUNNY LADY THAT'S OUR SHOW.
FUNNY LADY THAT'S OUR SHOW.
SEE YOU SOON!
SEE YOU SOON!
SEE YOU SOON!
NOT TOO SOON.
NOT TOO SOON.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]IOYOU BROUGHT YOUR WHOLE
DEMOGRAPHIC THAT IS TERRIFIC.
HE AND OBAMA HIGH 5ED.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YEA, YEA.
YOU LIKE THAT.
I ENJOYED IT.
CONNECTION.
YEA HONESTLY I NEVER TOUCHED
A BLACK PERSON BEFORE.
ARE YOU SERIOUS.
YOU BET YOU NEVER CUSSED
ONE EITHER, HUH?
[LAUGHTER].
THAT I HAVE DONE.
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD