The Burn with Jeff Ross (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Gilbert Gottfried/Russell Peters/Marc Maron/John Stamos - full transcript
Jeff roasts the paparazzi.
FEEL THE BURN!
TONIGHT'S TARGETS INCLUDE, JOHN
STAMOS, THE PAPARAZZI, A
TWO-HEADED GIRL, RUSSELL PETERS
AND ME, GILBERT GOTTFRIED.
HERE HE IS, AN UNREGISTERED SEX
OFFENDER, JEFF ROSS!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, GILBERT.
DON'T GO TOO FAR.
[APPLAUSE]
WELCOME TO "THE BURN."
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
YES!
"THE BURN."
THIS IS A SHOW KANYE CALLED THE
PERFECT BITCH.
[LAUGHTER]
AS USUAL, I'D LIKE TO START OUT
WITH BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS.
THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE, USAIN
BOLT TURNS 26.173 YEARS OLD
TODAY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
HE'S A GREAT MAN.
SHOWS US WHAT ALL JAMAICANS
COULD DO IF THEY WEREN'T SO
LAZY.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE MOST JAMAICANS, HE ONLY
WORKS 10 SECONDS A DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU CAN CALL HIM THE FASTEST MAN
ON THE PLANET.
OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX
WITH ME.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USAIN BOLT.
NOW WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO
TALKING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS FOR
ANOTHER FOUR YEARS.
MY NEXT BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT GOES
TO ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED
FIGURES, MR. HILLARY CLINTON.
[LAUGHTER]
BUBBA TURNS 66 THIS WEEK.
HE MADE A WISH, BLEW OUT THE
CANDLES.
WHEN HE OPENED HIS EYES, HILLARY
WAS STILL BREATHING.
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S AT AN AGE NOW WHEN HE HAS
TO GET UP THREE TO FOUR TIMES IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE FLIGHT JUST TO
JERK OFF IN THE SINK.
[LAUGHTER]
I LOVE BILL.
HE'S VEGAN NOW.
HE AVOIDS DAIRY AFTER NEVER
PASSING UP A COW.
[LAUGHTER]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EVERYONE!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE HAVE
TATTOOS?
[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE
TATTOOS ON THEIR BUNG HOLE?
IT'S A NEW TREND.
CHECK OUT THE CLASSIEST CHICK IN
SOUTH FLORIDA GETTING INK ON HER
STING.
THIS FEELS SO **** GOOD.
SO GOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE HAS TWO NAMES ON IT.
I'M GUESSING THEIR NAMES ARE
DADDY AND STEP DADDY.
[LAUGHTER]
HALFWAY THROUGH GETTING THAT
TATTOO, SHE SAID HEY, THAT
NEEDLE FEELS THICK AND SWEATY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.
YOU PROBABLY KNOW HER.
MITT ROMNEY GOT A TATTOO ON HIS
BUTT HOLE.
IT'S OF PAUL RYAN'S NOSE.
[LAUGHTER]
TODAY MARKS THE RELEASE OF THE
SOUND TRACK ALBUM FOR THE BOOK,
"50 SHADES OF GRAY."
NORMALLY I'D TELL YOU SOUND
TRACK FOR A BOOK IS STUPID.
BUT ANYTHING TO MUFFLE THE SOUND
OF MY AUNT'S VIBRATOR IS COOL
WITH ME.
[LAUGHTER]
MY NEW FAVORITE ALBUM IS FROM MY
SECOND FAVORITE COUSIN, RICK
ROSS.
LOOK AT HIM.
ALL THAT GOLD, I FIGURE LIKE
MICHAEL PHELPS EXCEPT HE CAN
SWIM.
HIS NEW ALBUM IS -- I DON'T NEED
YOUR SYMPATHY APPLAUSE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WHAT AM I IN THE MAKE A WISH
FOUNDATION?
[LAUGHTER]
LAUGH AT THE ONES YOU LIKE.
CONGRATS, RICK.
YOU'RE A HIP HOP MOGUL AND AN
IHOP REGULAR.
LOOK AT HIM.
THE BIG THING ON THE ALBUM IS
"DICED PINEAPPLE" FEATURING
DRAKE.
NOT THE RAPPER, THE COFFEE CAKE.
HE'S A GIGANTIC GANGSTER.
LOOK AT HIM.
ONLY BARS HE WILL NEVER BE HAND
ARE SALAD BARS.
RICK, I HOPE YOU WIN A GRAMMY TO
GO WITH THE OSCAR YOU WON FOR
BEING IN THE MOVIE "PRECIOUS."
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?
TOO SOON?
ALL RIGHT.
BY A SHOW OF MONOS, HOW MANY
LATINOS IN LA CASA EL NOCHE?
NEXT SEASON'S SESAME STREET
PLANS TO CELEBRATE HISPANIC
CULTURE BY ADDING A LATINO
CHARACTER TO THE CAST.
I GUESS IT'S A NEW IDEA.
NOW WHEN COOKIES ARE STOLEN,
COOKIE MONSTER WON'T BE THE
FIRST ONE THEY ACCUSE.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE BIG BIRD GETS KILLED IN A
COCKFIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
MAYBE THE NEW HISPANIC CHARACTER
WILL DO A SCENE WITH THE COUNT.
ONE, TWO, THREE BABY BEFORE
YOU'RE 18.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN NO DISRESPECT.
ONCE YOU SIGN UP FOR A REALITY
SHOW, YOU'RE FAIR GAME, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
THAT ALSO INCLUDES THE STARS OF
A NEW TLC SHOW COMING OUT.
THEY'RE CONJOINED TWINS FROM
MINNESOTA.
HELLO!
I'M ABBY.
I'M BRITNEY.
I CONTROL THE RIGHT SIDE.
AND I CONTROL THE LEFT SIDE.
EVERYWHERE THEY GO, THEY GET
THE STARES.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO THAT
EVERY DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, IT'S A MINNESOTA TWINS
DOUBLE-HEADER!
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEY'RE THE TARGET OF THIS
WEEK'S RAPID FIRE!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
THIS IS ONE REALITY SHOW I'M
GOING TO WATCH JUST TO FIND OUT
WHICH HEAD GETS VOTED OFF.
[LAUGHTER]
THE WORST PART ABOUT DATING HER
IS WHEN SHE'S BLOWING YOU, YOU
CAN STILL HAVE A BETTER DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
HOPEFULLY WITH THE MONEY THEY
GET FROM THIS NEW SHOW, THEY CAN
AFFORD TO MOVE OUT FROM UNDER
THE POWER LINES.
[LAUGHTER]
THE SHOW WILL FOLLOW ABBY AND
BRITNEY AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH
EUROPE CHASED BY MOBS OF
VILLAGERS WITH TORCHES.
HEW!
HEY, HEY, IT'S OKAY TO MAKE FUN
OF THEM.
THEY HAVE EACH OTHER'S BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY'RE THE ONLY GIRLS THAT TELL
GUYS, HELLO, OUR TITS ARE DOWN
HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, ON TO A DIFFERENT GROUP OF
PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED
NEAR A CAMERA.
THE PAPARAZZI.
THEY'RE ALWAYS COMING AFTER MY
FAMOUS FRIENDS, SO I DECIDED TO
BEAT THEM TO THE PUNCH.
THEY'RE THIS WEEK'S PUBLIC
ENEMY.
WATCH!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING.
BLOOD SUCKERS, BEWARE!
LOOK AT THIS TRASH ON THE
STREET!
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK AT YOU GUYS.
YOU PAPARAZZI, YOUR KARMA IS SO
BAD, YOUR NEXT LIVES, YOU'RE
GOING TO COME BACK AS
YOURSELVES.
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
YOU OKAY?
STOP TAKING PICTURES AND START
TAKING THE STAIRS, YOU FAT
****.
LOOK AT YOU!
WOW!
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS TELL YOUR
FRIENDS YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
YOU GUYS PUT THE DI IN PRINCESS
DI.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MAKE SURE
CHARIOT.
THIS IS THE ROASTER COASTER.
GET USED TO IT.
ARE YOU IN THE SPECIAL
OLYMPICS OR SOMETHING?
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK TOM SIZEMORE TOLD THE
PAPARAZZI.
I NEVER HEARD ANYBODY SLUR
AND STUTTER AT THE SAME TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TOUGHEST
PICTURE IS TO GET IN THE WORLD?
WHAT?
YOU GUYS WITH A DATE.
OH, LOOK, AN ASIAN PHOTOGRAPHER.
SHOCKER.
YOU PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR
MORE BAD PICTURES THAN TYLER
PERRY.
YOU SHOULD BE THE NEXT JUDGE
ON "AMERICAN IDOL."
YOU SHOULD BE THE NEXT GUY TO
TAKE A BATH.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS WITH THREE
WORDS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR IN YOUR
LIFE.
"I LOVE YOU"!
TAKE A PICTURE.
IT WILL LAST LONGER!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
TALK ABOUT WEBSITES.
LET US KNOW WHICH PUBLIC ENEMIES
YOU'D LIKE ME TO BURN.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH THREE
HILARIOUS PEOPLE AND JOHN
STAMOS.
HEY, BUDDY.
NICE SUNDAY MORNING.
BOB SAGET?
BOB SAGET IS HERE.
YOU'RE SHOOTING A PILOT, RIGHT?
YOU'RE SHOOTING YOUR **** ON
THAT iPHONE?
TAKE MY NUMBER OUT OF THAT
iPHONE.
[LAUGHTER]
EVERYBODY SAYS YOU'RE GAY.
SORT OF DEFLATE THOSE RUMORS.
YOU DO HAIR SPRAY, CHICAGO AND
GLEE?
I DO WHAT I CAN.
I LOVE WHEN YOU SING ON THE
SHOW.
WE COULD USE YOU ON GLEE BUT
WE ALREADY HAVE A HANDICAP
PERSON ON THERE.
SO FAR I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.
YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.
YOU WARM HANDS.
I LOVE YOU ON GLEE.
WHAT IS YOUR VOCAL RANGE?
NINE INCHES?
[LAUGHTER]
HERE.
YEAH.
PROTECTING YOU.
THE ORIGINAL SIGN FROM
DISNEYLAND.
THE D.
WAS THAT YOUR GRADE IN ACTING
CLASS?
[LAUGHTER]
I HAD NO IDEA.
I PUT IT BEHIND MY HOUSE.
YOU COULD SEE THIS BIG DID FOR
DICK HEAD.
YOU HANG IT OVER YOUR BED AND
TELL GIRLS IT'S A SMALL WORLD
AFTER ALL?
[LAUGHTER]
SO FAR ****.
A COUPLE GOOD SHOWS.
THE D ABOVE MY BED IS FUNNY.
NEVER WATCHED "FULL HOUSE"
BECAUSE I WAS MOLESTED BY MY
UNCLE JESSE.
THAT WASN'T FUNNY EITHER.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THANKS, JOHN.
YOU CAN SEE JOHN ON BROADWAY IN
A PLAY CALLED "THE BEST MAN."
I THINK HE PLAY AS BRIDESMAID.
I HAVE SOME AWESOME GUESTS THIS
WEEK.
YOU KNOW RUSSELL PETERS, GILBERT
GOTTFRIED.
LOOK AT THIS CREW HERE.
A SHEIK, A GEEK AND A FREAK.
I WOULD LIKE A DATE WITH ONE
OF THE TWO-HEADED GIRLS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LET'S GET STARTED WITH SOME
ELECTION NEWS, I TAKE IT.
MITT ROMNEY IS TRAILING IN
THE POLLS.
LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOCK UP THE
PORN VOTE.
HE GOT AN ENDORSEMENT FROM JENNA
JAMESON.
THAT'S BIG.
SHE SUCKS.
THIS IS HER CHANCE TO SCREW
THE COUNTRY AT ONCE.
MARK, IF YOU WERE A
CELEBRITY, WHO WOULD YOU
ENDORSE?
THAT'S VERY CLEVER.
[LAUGHTER]
LET ME ANSWER YOUR QUESTION.
ARE THEY GOING TO FINISH THE SET
SOON OR --
[LAUGHTER]
SERIOUSLY.
WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO FINISH
WHATEVER THE **** THIS IS?
[LAUGHTER]
WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT?
YOUR RECORD A PODCAST IN YOUR
**** GARAGE.
I KNOW.
APPARENTLY YOU MODELED YOUR SET
AFTER IT.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN IMPROVE
YOUR PODCAST IN YOUR GARAGE?
SHUT THE DOOR AND TURN THE
ENGINE OF YOUR CAR ON.
[LAUGHTER]
OH!
HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH JENNA
JAMESON?
I'D HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
THAT'S HOW --
[LAUGHTER]
SHE'S A TRUE AMERICAN.
HER HAIR IS RED, HER SKIN IS
WHITE AND HER VAGINA IS BLACK
AND BLUE.
[LAUGHTER]
SO GLAD YOU'RE COMING OUT OF
YOUR SHELL, GILBERT.
THAT'S GOOD.
SHE HAS A LOT OF PENISES.
THANKS FOR --
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
WHAT IS IT?
THE IMPACT?
THE IMPACT.
YEAH.
YOU MEAN LIKE THE BANGING?
THE BANGING.
THE BANGING --
SURE.
YEAH.
RUSSELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
JENNA JAMESON ENDORSING MITT
ROMNEY?
YOU'RE NOT AN AMERICAN, BUT WE
CAN STILL ASK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
DEPENDS ON HOW MANY OTHER
PORN STARS GET BEHIND HER.
[LAUGHTER]
JENNA JAMESON IS A MEMBER OF
THE GOPEE ALL OVER MY FACE.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, MAN.
GILBERT, ARE YOU SHRINKING?
[LAUGHTER]
GILBERT, YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE
A LESBIAN.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I WAS HOSTING THE JODY FOSTER
FILM FESTIVAL.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE
WORLD, ED?
SO YOU KNOW, SAUDI ARABIA
WOMEN ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HANG
OUT WITH MEN UNTIL THEY'RE
MARRIED.
NOW SAUDI ARABIA IS BUILDING A
WHOLE CITY FOR THEM TO GO WORK
IN JUST SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO
EVER SEE MEN.
WOW.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY WOMEN HERE
BUT MARK, YOU'RE A WHINEY BITCH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IS THAT FUNNY, GILBERT?
THIS IS AN ENTIRE TOWN THAT
WON'T **** ME.
YEAH.
AT LEAST YOU WON'T SEE THEIR
FACES.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M KIDDING!
NO TOWN WILL **** ME.
GILBERT, FIRST OF ALL, YOU
HAVE A WIFE AND BEAUTIFUL
[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.
WE'VE BEEN TALKING A LOT OF
SMACK UP HERE.
LET'S PROVE WE CAN SAY SOMETHING
NICE, OKAY?
THIS SEGMENT IS CALLED "ONE NICE
THING."
NOVEMBER'S PLAYBOY WILL FEATURE
THEIR FIRST EVER INDIAN
PLAYMATE.
HER NAME IS CHERYLIN CHOPRA.
SHE LOVES HUGH HEFNER BECAUSE
SHE'S USED TO KNEELING IN FRONT
OF ANCIENT GODS.
SHE'S SO HOT SHE GAVE MY
**** THE RUNS.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S HOW SHE GIVES BLOW JOBS,
BY THE WAY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
THIS LAST STORY IS ABOUT A MAN
IN PENNSYLVANIA WHO WAS ARRESTED
FOR PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A
FEMALE HORSE.
AND THAT'S THE SUBJECT OF THIS
WEEK'S SPEAKER'S CORNER.
GILBERT, TAKE IT AWAY.
[APPLAUSE]
SPEAK UP SO WE CAN HEAR YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
FIRST OF ALL, LET ME SAY I'M
JUST AS APPALLED AS ANYONE TO
THINK THAT A MAN WOULD PERFORM
ORAL SEX ON A HORSE.
WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
NOW EVERY SINGLE HORSE WILL
EXPECT THE SAME THING.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW HOW THEY TALK!
HORSE LINGUISH.
WILL THIS EVER END?
IS THIS REALLY SAYING, GO AHEAD,
TONGUE MY CAT'S BUTT!
I WILL SAY **** ON MY BACK!
IT'S JUST BETWEEN US!
I PROMISE, NO, REALLY, IT'S OUR
LITTLE SECRET!
[APPLAUSE]
NOW LET ME JUST SAY ONE THING
BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER.
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
HORSES.
I TOO HAVE VERY NICE TONGUE DEEP
IN A HORSE'S -- WHAT'S THAT
WORSE I'M LOOKING FOR?
****.
[LAUGHTER]
NOTHING BRINGS ME MORE PLEASURE
THAN BOROUGHING MY FACE INTO THE
SWEATY RECESSES OF EQUINE'S
NIZZY.
WATCHING THE BIG BROWN EYES ROLL
BACK IN HER HUGE HEAD AS I BLAST
HER SEA BISCUIT.
OVER AND OVER, LIKE OPRAH
SLURPING ON A BOWL OF CHILI.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THAT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED A
TREAT.
SAVED FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS LIKE
CHRISTMAS OR CASUAL FRIDAYS.
[LAUGHTER]
GILBERT, GILBERT, SPEAK UP.
YES.
[LAUGHTER]
IN CONCLUSION, OUT OF RESPECT TO
HORSE SLUTS AND THEIR ORAL
ADMIRERS EVERYWHERE, THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER
BEFORE ENGAGING IN HORSE
SLINGAGE IS THREE SIMPLE WORDS.
NAMING NAMES!
THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT WAS AWESOME.
KEEP IT GOING FOR GILBERT
GOTTFRIED.
AND OUR PANELIST, MARK, RUSSELL.
THANKS, GUYS.
GO SEE THEM LIVE.
THREE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS YOU
EVER WANT TO SEE.
OKAY.
FROM HORSE LINGUISTS TO HORSE
SHACK, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
TOO SOON?
YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M ASKING FOR IT.
UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER
HOSE!
[LAUGHTER]
ANYBODY SEE THE SITCOM
"WELCOME BACK COTTER" IN THEIR
LIFE?
[APPLAUSE]
IT STARRED JOHN TRAVOLTA AND A
GUYS CALLED THE SWEAT HOGS.
I'LL NEVER FORGET COTTER,
EPSTEIN AND HORSE SHACK.
HAD MORE AFROS THAN THE JIMI
HENDRIX EXPERIENCE.
IT WAS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE
SHOW.
I HAD THE LUNCH BOX.
SADLY, WE HAVE ONE OF THE STARS
AS THE SUBJECT OF TOO SOON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO
SOMEBODY AFTER THEY DIE?
OOH, OOH!
PERPETUAL GREAT STUDENT
ARNOLD HORSESHACK HAS FINALLY
PASSED.
THAT MEANS RIGHT NOW A MORTICIAN
IS GOING UP HIS NOSE WITH A
RUBBER HOSE.
RON LIVED WITH HIS MALE PARTNER
OF FOUR DECADES WHO DISCOVERED
HIM EXACTLY LIKE HE LEFT HIM.
FACE DOWN ON A PILLOW.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW THAT RON IS DEAD, JOHN
TRAVOLTA IS WEARING HIS TOWEL AT
HALF MAST.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S SAD.
[LAUGHTER]
I CAN'T IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT
RON.
UNLESS I THINK OF THE LAST 32
YEARS.
WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU, RON.
YOU LEFT BEHIND QUITE A LEGACY.
WHO WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER AND
ALWAYS LOVE ARNOLD HORSESHACK?
OOH, OOH!
OOH!
RON, ROAST IN PEACE, BUDDY.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
SEE YOU SOON!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
BUT NOT TOO SOON.
**
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.
TONIGHT'S TARGETS INCLUDE, JOHN
STAMOS, THE PAPARAZZI, A
TWO-HEADED GIRL, RUSSELL PETERS
AND ME, GILBERT GOTTFRIED.
HERE HE IS, AN UNREGISTERED SEX
OFFENDER, JEFF ROSS!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, GILBERT.
DON'T GO TOO FAR.
[APPLAUSE]
WELCOME TO "THE BURN."
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
YES!
"THE BURN."
THIS IS A SHOW KANYE CALLED THE
PERFECT BITCH.
[LAUGHTER]
AS USUAL, I'D LIKE TO START OUT
WITH BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS.
THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE, USAIN
BOLT TURNS 26.173 YEARS OLD
TODAY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
HE'S A GREAT MAN.
SHOWS US WHAT ALL JAMAICANS
COULD DO IF THEY WEREN'T SO
LAZY.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE MOST JAMAICANS, HE ONLY
WORKS 10 SECONDS A DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU CAN CALL HIM THE FASTEST MAN
ON THE PLANET.
OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX
WITH ME.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USAIN BOLT.
NOW WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO
TALKING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS FOR
ANOTHER FOUR YEARS.
MY NEXT BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT GOES
TO ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED
FIGURES, MR. HILLARY CLINTON.
[LAUGHTER]
BUBBA TURNS 66 THIS WEEK.
HE MADE A WISH, BLEW OUT THE
CANDLES.
WHEN HE OPENED HIS EYES, HILLARY
WAS STILL BREATHING.
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S AT AN AGE NOW WHEN HE HAS
TO GET UP THREE TO FOUR TIMES IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE FLIGHT JUST TO
JERK OFF IN THE SINK.
[LAUGHTER]
I LOVE BILL.
HE'S VEGAN NOW.
HE AVOIDS DAIRY AFTER NEVER
PASSING UP A COW.
[LAUGHTER]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EVERYONE!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE HAVE
TATTOOS?
[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE
TATTOOS ON THEIR BUNG HOLE?
IT'S A NEW TREND.
CHECK OUT THE CLASSIEST CHICK IN
SOUTH FLORIDA GETTING INK ON HER
STING.
THIS FEELS SO **** GOOD.
SO GOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE HAS TWO NAMES ON IT.
I'M GUESSING THEIR NAMES ARE
DADDY AND STEP DADDY.
[LAUGHTER]
HALFWAY THROUGH GETTING THAT
TATTOO, SHE SAID HEY, THAT
NEEDLE FEELS THICK AND SWEATY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.
YOU PROBABLY KNOW HER.
MITT ROMNEY GOT A TATTOO ON HIS
BUTT HOLE.
IT'S OF PAUL RYAN'S NOSE.
[LAUGHTER]
TODAY MARKS THE RELEASE OF THE
SOUND TRACK ALBUM FOR THE BOOK,
"50 SHADES OF GRAY."
NORMALLY I'D TELL YOU SOUND
TRACK FOR A BOOK IS STUPID.
BUT ANYTHING TO MUFFLE THE SOUND
OF MY AUNT'S VIBRATOR IS COOL
WITH ME.
[LAUGHTER]
MY NEW FAVORITE ALBUM IS FROM MY
SECOND FAVORITE COUSIN, RICK
ROSS.
LOOK AT HIM.
ALL THAT GOLD, I FIGURE LIKE
MICHAEL PHELPS EXCEPT HE CAN
SWIM.
HIS NEW ALBUM IS -- I DON'T NEED
YOUR SYMPATHY APPLAUSE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WHAT AM I IN THE MAKE A WISH
FOUNDATION?
[LAUGHTER]
LAUGH AT THE ONES YOU LIKE.
CONGRATS, RICK.
YOU'RE A HIP HOP MOGUL AND AN
IHOP REGULAR.
LOOK AT HIM.
THE BIG THING ON THE ALBUM IS
"DICED PINEAPPLE" FEATURING
DRAKE.
NOT THE RAPPER, THE COFFEE CAKE.
HE'S A GIGANTIC GANGSTER.
LOOK AT HIM.
ONLY BARS HE WILL NEVER BE HAND
ARE SALAD BARS.
RICK, I HOPE YOU WIN A GRAMMY TO
GO WITH THE OSCAR YOU WON FOR
BEING IN THE MOVIE "PRECIOUS."
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT?
TOO SOON?
ALL RIGHT.
BY A SHOW OF MONOS, HOW MANY
LATINOS IN LA CASA EL NOCHE?
NEXT SEASON'S SESAME STREET
PLANS TO CELEBRATE HISPANIC
CULTURE BY ADDING A LATINO
CHARACTER TO THE CAST.
I GUESS IT'S A NEW IDEA.
NOW WHEN COOKIES ARE STOLEN,
COOKIE MONSTER WON'T BE THE
FIRST ONE THEY ACCUSE.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE BIG BIRD GETS KILLED IN A
COCKFIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
MAYBE THE NEW HISPANIC CHARACTER
WILL DO A SCENE WITH THE COUNT.
ONE, TWO, THREE BABY BEFORE
YOU'RE 18.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN NO DISRESPECT.
ONCE YOU SIGN UP FOR A REALITY
SHOW, YOU'RE FAIR GAME, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
THAT ALSO INCLUDES THE STARS OF
A NEW TLC SHOW COMING OUT.
THEY'RE CONJOINED TWINS FROM
MINNESOTA.
HELLO!
I'M ABBY.
I'M BRITNEY.
I CONTROL THE RIGHT SIDE.
AND I CONTROL THE LEFT SIDE.
EVERYWHERE THEY GO, THEY GET
THE STARES.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO THAT
EVERY DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, IT'S A MINNESOTA TWINS
DOUBLE-HEADER!
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEY'RE THE TARGET OF THIS
WEEK'S RAPID FIRE!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
THIS IS ONE REALITY SHOW I'M
GOING TO WATCH JUST TO FIND OUT
WHICH HEAD GETS VOTED OFF.
[LAUGHTER]
THE WORST PART ABOUT DATING HER
IS WHEN SHE'S BLOWING YOU, YOU
CAN STILL HAVE A BETTER DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
HOPEFULLY WITH THE MONEY THEY
GET FROM THIS NEW SHOW, THEY CAN
AFFORD TO MOVE OUT FROM UNDER
THE POWER LINES.
[LAUGHTER]
THE SHOW WILL FOLLOW ABBY AND
BRITNEY AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH
EUROPE CHASED BY MOBS OF
VILLAGERS WITH TORCHES.
HEW!
HEY, HEY, IT'S OKAY TO MAKE FUN
OF THEM.
THEY HAVE EACH OTHER'S BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY'RE THE ONLY GIRLS THAT TELL
GUYS, HELLO, OUR TITS ARE DOWN
HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, ON TO A DIFFERENT GROUP OF
PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED
NEAR A CAMERA.
THE PAPARAZZI.
THEY'RE ALWAYS COMING AFTER MY
FAMOUS FRIENDS, SO I DECIDED TO
BEAT THEM TO THE PUNCH.
THEY'RE THIS WEEK'S PUBLIC
ENEMY.
WATCH!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING.
BLOOD SUCKERS, BEWARE!
LOOK AT THIS TRASH ON THE
STREET!
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK AT YOU GUYS.
YOU PAPARAZZI, YOUR KARMA IS SO
BAD, YOUR NEXT LIVES, YOU'RE
GOING TO COME BACK AS
YOURSELVES.
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
YOU OKAY?
STOP TAKING PICTURES AND START
TAKING THE STAIRS, YOU FAT
****.
LOOK AT YOU!
WOW!
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS TELL YOUR
FRIENDS YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
YOU GUYS PUT THE DI IN PRINCESS
DI.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MAKE SURE
CHARIOT.
THIS IS THE ROASTER COASTER.
GET USED TO IT.
ARE YOU IN THE SPECIAL
OLYMPICS OR SOMETHING?
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK TOM SIZEMORE TOLD THE
PAPARAZZI.
I NEVER HEARD ANYBODY SLUR
AND STUTTER AT THE SAME TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TOUGHEST
PICTURE IS TO GET IN THE WORLD?
WHAT?
YOU GUYS WITH A DATE.
OH, LOOK, AN ASIAN PHOTOGRAPHER.
SHOCKER.
YOU PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR
MORE BAD PICTURES THAN TYLER
PERRY.
YOU SHOULD BE THE NEXT JUDGE
ON "AMERICAN IDOL."
YOU SHOULD BE THE NEXT GUY TO
TAKE A BATH.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS WITH THREE
WORDS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR IN YOUR
LIFE.
"I LOVE YOU"!
TAKE A PICTURE.
IT WILL LAST LONGER!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
TALK ABOUT WEBSITES.
LET US KNOW WHICH PUBLIC ENEMIES
YOU'D LIKE ME TO BURN.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH THREE
HILARIOUS PEOPLE AND JOHN
STAMOS.
HEY, BUDDY.
NICE SUNDAY MORNING.
BOB SAGET?
BOB SAGET IS HERE.
YOU'RE SHOOTING A PILOT, RIGHT?
YOU'RE SHOOTING YOUR **** ON
THAT iPHONE?
TAKE MY NUMBER OUT OF THAT
iPHONE.
[LAUGHTER]
EVERYBODY SAYS YOU'RE GAY.
SORT OF DEFLATE THOSE RUMORS.
YOU DO HAIR SPRAY, CHICAGO AND
GLEE?
I DO WHAT I CAN.
I LOVE WHEN YOU SING ON THE
SHOW.
WE COULD USE YOU ON GLEE BUT
WE ALREADY HAVE A HANDICAP
PERSON ON THERE.
SO FAR I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.
YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.
YOU WARM HANDS.
I LOVE YOU ON GLEE.
WHAT IS YOUR VOCAL RANGE?
NINE INCHES?
[LAUGHTER]
HERE.
YEAH.
PROTECTING YOU.
THE ORIGINAL SIGN FROM
DISNEYLAND.
THE D.
WAS THAT YOUR GRADE IN ACTING
CLASS?
[LAUGHTER]
I HAD NO IDEA.
I PUT IT BEHIND MY HOUSE.
YOU COULD SEE THIS BIG DID FOR
DICK HEAD.
YOU HANG IT OVER YOUR BED AND
TELL GIRLS IT'S A SMALL WORLD
AFTER ALL?
[LAUGHTER]
SO FAR ****.
A COUPLE GOOD SHOWS.
THE D ABOVE MY BED IS FUNNY.
NEVER WATCHED "FULL HOUSE"
BECAUSE I WAS MOLESTED BY MY
UNCLE JESSE.
THAT WASN'T FUNNY EITHER.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THANKS, JOHN.
YOU CAN SEE JOHN ON BROADWAY IN
A PLAY CALLED "THE BEST MAN."
I THINK HE PLAY AS BRIDESMAID.
I HAVE SOME AWESOME GUESTS THIS
WEEK.
YOU KNOW RUSSELL PETERS, GILBERT
GOTTFRIED.
LOOK AT THIS CREW HERE.
A SHEIK, A GEEK AND A FREAK.
I WOULD LIKE A DATE WITH ONE
OF THE TWO-HEADED GIRLS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LET'S GET STARTED WITH SOME
ELECTION NEWS, I TAKE IT.
MITT ROMNEY IS TRAILING IN
THE POLLS.
LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOCK UP THE
PORN VOTE.
HE GOT AN ENDORSEMENT FROM JENNA
JAMESON.
THAT'S BIG.
SHE SUCKS.
THIS IS HER CHANCE TO SCREW
THE COUNTRY AT ONCE.
MARK, IF YOU WERE A
CELEBRITY, WHO WOULD YOU
ENDORSE?
THAT'S VERY CLEVER.
[LAUGHTER]
LET ME ANSWER YOUR QUESTION.
ARE THEY GOING TO FINISH THE SET
SOON OR --
[LAUGHTER]
SERIOUSLY.
WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO FINISH
WHATEVER THE **** THIS IS?
[LAUGHTER]
WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT?
YOUR RECORD A PODCAST IN YOUR
**** GARAGE.
I KNOW.
APPARENTLY YOU MODELED YOUR SET
AFTER IT.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN IMPROVE
YOUR PODCAST IN YOUR GARAGE?
SHUT THE DOOR AND TURN THE
ENGINE OF YOUR CAR ON.
[LAUGHTER]
OH!
HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH JENNA
JAMESON?
I'D HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
THAT'S HOW --
[LAUGHTER]
SHE'S A TRUE AMERICAN.
HER HAIR IS RED, HER SKIN IS
WHITE AND HER VAGINA IS BLACK
AND BLUE.
[LAUGHTER]
SO GLAD YOU'RE COMING OUT OF
YOUR SHELL, GILBERT.
THAT'S GOOD.
SHE HAS A LOT OF PENISES.
THANKS FOR --
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
WHAT IS IT?
THE IMPACT?
THE IMPACT.
YEAH.
YOU MEAN LIKE THE BANGING?
THE BANGING.
THE BANGING --
SURE.
YEAH.
RUSSELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
JENNA JAMESON ENDORSING MITT
ROMNEY?
YOU'RE NOT AN AMERICAN, BUT WE
CAN STILL ASK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
DEPENDS ON HOW MANY OTHER
PORN STARS GET BEHIND HER.
[LAUGHTER]
JENNA JAMESON IS A MEMBER OF
THE GOPEE ALL OVER MY FACE.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, MAN.
GILBERT, ARE YOU SHRINKING?
[LAUGHTER]
GILBERT, YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE
A LESBIAN.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I WAS HOSTING THE JODY FOSTER
FILM FESTIVAL.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE
WORLD, ED?
SO YOU KNOW, SAUDI ARABIA
WOMEN ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HANG
OUT WITH MEN UNTIL THEY'RE
MARRIED.
NOW SAUDI ARABIA IS BUILDING A
WHOLE CITY FOR THEM TO GO WORK
IN JUST SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO
EVER SEE MEN.
WOW.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY WOMEN HERE
BUT MARK, YOU'RE A WHINEY BITCH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IS THAT FUNNY, GILBERT?
THIS IS AN ENTIRE TOWN THAT
WON'T **** ME.
YEAH.
AT LEAST YOU WON'T SEE THEIR
FACES.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M KIDDING!
NO TOWN WILL **** ME.
GILBERT, FIRST OF ALL, YOU
HAVE A WIFE AND BEAUTIFUL
[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.
WE'VE BEEN TALKING A LOT OF
SMACK UP HERE.
LET'S PROVE WE CAN SAY SOMETHING
NICE, OKAY?
THIS SEGMENT IS CALLED "ONE NICE
THING."
NOVEMBER'S PLAYBOY WILL FEATURE
THEIR FIRST EVER INDIAN
PLAYMATE.
HER NAME IS CHERYLIN CHOPRA.
SHE LOVES HUGH HEFNER BECAUSE
SHE'S USED TO KNEELING IN FRONT
OF ANCIENT GODS.
SHE'S SO HOT SHE GAVE MY
**** THE RUNS.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S HOW SHE GIVES BLOW JOBS,
BY THE WAY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
THIS LAST STORY IS ABOUT A MAN
IN PENNSYLVANIA WHO WAS ARRESTED
FOR PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A
FEMALE HORSE.
AND THAT'S THE SUBJECT OF THIS
WEEK'S SPEAKER'S CORNER.
GILBERT, TAKE IT AWAY.
[APPLAUSE]
SPEAK UP SO WE CAN HEAR YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
FIRST OF ALL, LET ME SAY I'M
JUST AS APPALLED AS ANYONE TO
THINK THAT A MAN WOULD PERFORM
ORAL SEX ON A HORSE.
WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
NOW EVERY SINGLE HORSE WILL
EXPECT THE SAME THING.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW HOW THEY TALK!
HORSE LINGUISH.
WILL THIS EVER END?
IS THIS REALLY SAYING, GO AHEAD,
TONGUE MY CAT'S BUTT!
I WILL SAY **** ON MY BACK!
IT'S JUST BETWEEN US!
I PROMISE, NO, REALLY, IT'S OUR
LITTLE SECRET!
[APPLAUSE]
NOW LET ME JUST SAY ONE THING
BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER.
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
HORSES.
I TOO HAVE VERY NICE TONGUE DEEP
IN A HORSE'S -- WHAT'S THAT
WORSE I'M LOOKING FOR?
****.
[LAUGHTER]
NOTHING BRINGS ME MORE PLEASURE
THAN BOROUGHING MY FACE INTO THE
SWEATY RECESSES OF EQUINE'S
NIZZY.
WATCHING THE BIG BROWN EYES ROLL
BACK IN HER HUGE HEAD AS I BLAST
HER SEA BISCUIT.
OVER AND OVER, LIKE OPRAH
SLURPING ON A BOWL OF CHILI.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THAT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED A
TREAT.
SAVED FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS LIKE
CHRISTMAS OR CASUAL FRIDAYS.
[LAUGHTER]
GILBERT, GILBERT, SPEAK UP.
YES.
[LAUGHTER]
IN CONCLUSION, OUT OF RESPECT TO
HORSE SLUTS AND THEIR ORAL
ADMIRERS EVERYWHERE, THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER
BEFORE ENGAGING IN HORSE
SLINGAGE IS THREE SIMPLE WORDS.
NAMING NAMES!
THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT WAS AWESOME.
KEEP IT GOING FOR GILBERT
GOTTFRIED.
AND OUR PANELIST, MARK, RUSSELL.
THANKS, GUYS.
GO SEE THEM LIVE.
THREE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS YOU
EVER WANT TO SEE.
OKAY.
FROM HORSE LINGUISTS TO HORSE
SHACK, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
TOO SOON?
YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M ASKING FOR IT.
UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER
HOSE!
[LAUGHTER]
ANYBODY SEE THE SITCOM
"WELCOME BACK COTTER" IN THEIR
LIFE?
[APPLAUSE]
IT STARRED JOHN TRAVOLTA AND A
GUYS CALLED THE SWEAT HOGS.
I'LL NEVER FORGET COTTER,
EPSTEIN AND HORSE SHACK.
HAD MORE AFROS THAN THE JIMI
HENDRIX EXPERIENCE.
IT WAS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE
SHOW.
I HAD THE LUNCH BOX.
SADLY, WE HAVE ONE OF THE STARS
AS THE SUBJECT OF TOO SOON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO
SOMEBODY AFTER THEY DIE?
OOH, OOH!
PERPETUAL GREAT STUDENT
ARNOLD HORSESHACK HAS FINALLY
PASSED.
THAT MEANS RIGHT NOW A MORTICIAN
IS GOING UP HIS NOSE WITH A
RUBBER HOSE.
RON LIVED WITH HIS MALE PARTNER
OF FOUR DECADES WHO DISCOVERED
HIM EXACTLY LIKE HE LEFT HIM.
FACE DOWN ON A PILLOW.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW THAT RON IS DEAD, JOHN
TRAVOLTA IS WEARING HIS TOWEL AT
HALF MAST.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S SAD.
[LAUGHTER]
I CAN'T IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT
RON.
UNLESS I THINK OF THE LAST 32
YEARS.
WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU, RON.
YOU LEFT BEHIND QUITE A LEGACY.
WHO WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER AND
ALWAYS LOVE ARNOLD HORSESHACK?
OOH, OOH!
OOH!
RON, ROAST IN PEACE, BUDDY.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
SEE YOU SOON!
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
BUT NOT TOO SOON.
**
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.