The Burn with Jeff Ross (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Ralphie May/Amy Schumer/J.B. Smoove/Sarah Silverman - full transcript

- FEEL THE BURN.

TONIGHT,
SARAH SILVERMAN,

J.B. SMOOVE, AMY SCHUMER,
AND RALPHIE MAY.

IT'S THE BURN,
WITH JEFF ROSS.

- HELL YEAH!

WHAT'S UP, BALL BUSTERS?

AWESOME.
I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.

WELCOME TO THE BURN,
WHERE OUR MISSION IS

TO RIP THE WORLD A NEW
HOLE ONE CRACK AT A TIME.



LET'S BEGIN WITH A SHOUT-OUT--
BIG, BIG SHOUT-OUT TONIGHT.

HERE'S SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SAY 20 YEARS AGO--

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MAGIC JOHNSON!

MAGIC...
LOVE YOU, BUDDY.

MAGIC TURNED 52 YEARS OLD TODAY,
AND AIDS TURNED CONFUSED.

LOOK AT HIM.
NOT ONLY IS HE ALIVE,

THE GUY'S GETTING FATTER.

THE ONLY THING BIGGER
WITH HIV IS NIGERIA.

HEY, MAGIC, IN HONOR
OF YOUR BIG DAY,

I'M GONNA GO OUT AND HAVE
UNPROTECTED SEX.

HOPEFULLY WITH THIS CHICK,
MILA KUNIS... ONE OF MY FAVES.

THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE WORLD
TURNS 29 YEARS OLD TODAY.

MILA WAS IN BLACK SWAN,

AND HER BOYFRIEND,
ASHTON KUTCHER,



USED TO BE IN AN OLD GOAT.

HEY, MILA, IS IT TRUE DEMI MOORE
SENT YOU A BIRTHDAY CARD

WITH $5 IN IT?

ALL RIGHT, MILA...
HAPPY BURN DAY, DARLING.

HOPEFULLY YOUR BIRTHDAY IS
THE ONLY THING

YOU SHARE WITH MAGIC JOHNSON.

MOVING ON TO SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A POISONOUS MISSILE,

HERE'S NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR
KIM JONG-UN!

WHEN THE OFFICIAL NORTH KOREAN
NEWS AGENCY ANNOUNCED

THE OPENING
OF THE AMUSEMENT PARK,

EVERYONE IN NORTH KOREA SAID
THE SAME THING--

"WHAT'S AMUSEMENT?"

BY THE WAY, "FUN PARK"
IS ALSO THE NAME

OF THE GUY WHO OWNS THE PLACE.

NORTH KOREAN FUN PARK.
IT'S LIKE DISNEY WORLD,

EXCEPT AT DISNEY WORLD,
YOU DON'T END UP EATING

GOOFY AND PLUTO.

SORRY.

WOW, A GROANER.

THAT ONE WENT OVER
LIKE MITT ROMNEY

AT AN NAACP MEETING.

WOW.

LOOK AT HIM.

YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
HE JUST DID A JOKE

ABOUT THE AURORA SHOOTER.
AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?

MY BUDDY SNOOP DOGG--
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?

HE'S BECOME
A RASTAFARIAN NOW,

AND HE SAYS HE'S
CHANGING HIS NAME AGAIN

TO SNOOP LION.
IT'S A TRUE STORY.

WHEN I HEARD THAT SNOOP WAS
CHANGING HIS NAME TO LION,

I SAID, TIGGER, PLEASE!

HERE'S SOMEONE ELSE
WITH THE MUNCHIES.

LOOK AT THIS.
CHRISTINA...

WHAT HAPPENED, BABY?

LOOKS LIKE THOSE FISHNETS
CAUGHT A WHALE.

AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?

CHRISTINA, WHEN DID YOU GO
FROM GENIE IN A BOTTLE

TO PIG IN A BLANKET?

SHE'S MORE MARMALADE
THAN LADY NOW.

IS SECONDS, APPARENTLY.

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY
SHE'S BEEN NAMED

BY THE U.N.'S
WORLD FOOD PROGRAM

AS A HUNGER AMBASSADOR.

IT'S A BIG PROMOTION
FROM HER PREVIOUS U.N. TITLE,

COOKIE MONSTER.

AW, CHRISTINA WORKS
FOR MANY NON-PROFITS,

INCLUDING HER LAST
THREE ALBUMS.

ALL RIGHT,
AS THE SON OF A CATERER,

I LOVE WEDDINGS,
BUT I HATE DIVORCES,

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE HUSBAND
DOESN'T SEE IT COMING.

THAT'S RIGHT, STEVIE WONDER'S
MARRIAGE HAS ENDED...

AND THAT'S THE SUBJECT
OF THIS WEEK'S RAPID FIRE.

THIS DIVORCE COULD GET UGLY,

BUT NOT AS UGLY AS ONE
OF STEVIE WONDER'S SWEATERS.

AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?

IT'S BEEN 11 YEARS
SINCE THE TWO OF THEM

STUMBLED DOWN THE AISLE.

STEVIE BROKE DOWN
AND CRIED

WHEN HE FELT
HER GOOD-BYE LETTER.

HE THOUGHT HE SIGNED
A PRENUP.

TURNS OUT IT WAS
A MCDONALD'S RECEIPT.

THEY USED TO TRAVEL TOGETHER
A LOT.

YEARS AGO,
THEY SPENT A WEEK IN ROME

JUST WALKING AROUND
SIGHT-SMELLING.

NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT DONE.
I'M NOT DONE.

IT'S RAPID FIRE.
IT'S RAPID FIRE.

SINCE THIS IS CALIFORNIA,

THEIR PROPERTY WILL
BE SPLIT 50/50,

BUT I BET HE'D SETTLE
FOR 20/20.

DON'T WORRY, STEVIE,
WOMEN ARE LIKE BUSES.

ANOTHER ONE WILL COME ALONG
IN 15 MINUTES,

SO STAY OUT
OF THE STREET!

ALL RIGHT,
YOU GUYS ARE A GREAT CROWD,

AND SPEAKING
OF GETTING ROBBED BLIND,

THE CITY OF L.A. JUST
GAVE ME THIS PARKING TICKET.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE
HATE METER MAIDS

AS MUCH AS I DO?

UGH!

I NORMALLY ONLY ROAST
THE ONES I LOVE,

BUT FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE,
I MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

THIS IS A PART OF THE SHOW
I CALL PUBLIC ENEMIES.

I TOOK THE ROASTER COASTER
DOWNTOWN

TO TRY TO FIND THE METER MAID
WHO GAVE ME THIS TICKET.

WATCH.

YOU GUYS, THE PUBLIC ENEMY
NUMBER ONE...

COME OUT.
TAKE YOUR VERBAL BEATING.

IT'S THE BURN.

I'M DOING THIS ON BEHALF
OF EVERYBODY

WHO EVER GOT
A PARKING TICKET.

LEAVE PEOPLE BE.
NO, DON'T DO IT!

WRITE SOMETHING DOWN USEFUL,
LIKE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

YOU'RE CUTE.

YOU'RE A METER MAID?

I THINK YOU GAVE ME A--

DID YOU GIVE ME THIS TICKET
YESTERDAY?

MAYBE IF SOMEBODY
PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR SLOT,

YOU WOULDN'T
GIVE THEM TICKETS.

NO TIME TO DO YOUR HAIR TODAY?

I THINK YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU REALIZE YOUR SHIRT
DOESN'T MATCH YOUR PANTS, RIGHT?

YOU HAVE TWO DIFFERENT
UNIFORMS ON, RIGHT?

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY
TO THE METER MAIDS?

- MAN, THE METER MAIDS.
- YOU GUYS SUCK!

- THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO HEART.
- NOT REALLY.

- WHAT'S YOU'RE NAME, SIR?
- HECTOR.

- HECTOR, I'M JEFF.
- HEY. NICE MEETING YOU.

- I BET YOU WISH THEY'D LEFT
A GREEN CARD ON YOUR WINDSHIELD.

I CAN SLOWLY SNEAK UP
ON THIS GUY.

HEY, THE BIGGEST PARKING SPOT
HERE IS YOUR FOREHEAD.

WE'RE TAKING THE STREETS BACK,
BALDY.

WRITE SOMETHING USEFUL,
LIKE A SUICIDE NOTE.

HOW DO I BACK UP?

YOU'RE JUST DOING
YOUR JOB, RIGHT?

I'M JUST DOING MINE TOO.
FEEL THE BURN, BUDDY.

YOU'RE TOUGH ON PEOPLE, MAN.
- YEAH, I HAVE TO BE.

WE HAVE A QUOTA.

- A QUOTA?
- YEAH.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU GOTTA
GIVE SO MANY TICKETS

TO BLACK PEOPLE
AND MEXICANS AND JEWISH PEOPLE?

- OH, NO.

- DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
- NO.

- MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A METER MAID.

HOW DO I DO THIS?

YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE,
METER BOY.

ALL RIGHT,
STICK AROUND.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THREE
OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE I KNOW,

AND THAT'S JUST RALPHIE MAY.

- I CAME TO SAY HI
AND GET HIGH.

- THIS IS MY FRIEND SARAH.

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE
WE STARTED OUT TOGETHER.

SHE'S ONE OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE
I KNOW,

AND I JUST REALLY WANTED HER
TO BE ON MY SHOW.

SARAH WAS IN
SOMETHING ABOUT MARY.

SHE PLAYED THE
IN CAMERON DIAZ'S HAIR.

- JEFF, YOU KNOW I'VE HAD
A PROBLEM WITH DEPRESSION.

IT STARTED WHEN YOU
WALKED IN THE DOOR.

IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE
BEEN IN A WOMAN'S APARTMENT

WHERE YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DISABLE
THE ALARM SYSTEM?

- THE BONGO I GAVE YOU
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

- YEAH. IT'S RIPPED,
JUST LIKE NO

YOU'VE EVER--YOUR TINY PENIS
HAS EVER BEEN IN.

AH, I LOVE THAT YOU DRESSED
AS JOE PATERNO AT THE ROAST.

IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE
YOUR JOKES ARE 86 YEARS OLD,

SO IT WAS LIKE...

WHO ARE YOU ROASTING NEXT?
- I DON'T KNOW YET.

- HOW 'BOUT THAT ZIT
ON YOUR NECK?

- HELLO.

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO ROAST ICONS,

AND THAT ZIT ON YOUR NECK
IS AN ICON,

BECAUSE "ICON'T" BELIEVE
THAT I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT!

- "ICON'T" BELIEVE YOU JUST DID
THAT BAD JOKE.

- OH, JEFF, UM, THERE'S
SOMETHING YOU'D LOVE IN HERE.

UM, HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS?
IT'S SOAP.

- HOW MANY BABIES
HAVE YOU FLUSHED DOWN THERE?

- UM... WHAT'S TODAY?

- DUCK IS A BOMB-SNIFFING DOG.

YOU SHOULD SHOW HIM
YOUR ACT.

HOW OLD IS HE?
- 18.

- I WISH I COULD BE THERE
TO CONSOLE YOU WHEN HE DIES,

BUT I'M BUSY TOMORROW.

THANKS, SARAH.

YOU JUST KISSED MY ZIT.

- YEAH.

THANK YOU, SARAH.

THE ZIT IS ALMOST GONE.

ALL RIGHT...
- IT IS NOT.

- THE ZIT'S ALMOST GONE,

BUT I HAVE
THREE NEW GROWTHS HERE,

SHARING THE STAGE.

THESE ARE MY FRIENDS
AMY SCHUMER,

RALPHIE MAY, J.B. SMOOVE.
- HI, EVERYBODY.

- SOME OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE--

- IT'S US.

- I WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW
RIGHT OFF THE BAT,

THIS SHOW IS GONNA BE
A SAFE HAVEN

FOR COMEDIANS TO SAY
WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT,

SO LET IT RIP,
NEVER HOLD BACK, OKAY?

- JEFF, CAN WE GET
SMALLER PODIUMS?

ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY SHOW
ON THE FIRST EPISODE?

- NO, I'M NOT SAYING
THAT IT LOOKS LIKE

THE SET WAS DESIGNED
BY THE SAME GUY WHO DESIGNED

THE INSIDE OF THE OVENS
AT AUSCHWITZ.

I WOULD NOT--
WHY WOULD I SAY THAT?

YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

THIS IS A GREAT SHOW.

I WOULD NEVER--
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

RALPHIE'S HERE TO BUST BALLS

AND BREAK STOOLS.

- THIS ONE'S HOLDING!
THIS ONE'S HOLDING, THANK GOD!

I--I'M SO SHOCKED.

I LOVE HOW COMEDY CENTRAL
SPARED EVERY EXPENSE.

THIS IS AWESOME.

I, UH--IS THIS--
THAT'S TOSH'S TV, MAN!

- IT HAS TO GO BACK
TO HIS APARTMENT.

- WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON HERE, MAN? HILARIOUS.

- J.B., YOU'RE AWFUL QUIET.
THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU.

- THIS IS CRAZY, MAN.
SHE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THERE'S SOME CHEAP
AROUND HERE.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY PARKED THEIR
SEGWAY IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD

AND TOOK THE WHEELS OFF IT.
LOOK. LOOK AT THIS, MAN.

- HILARIOUS.

I'VE NEVER GOTTEN
A SEGWAY TO MOVE,

SO IT'S JUST LIKE
A REGULAR SEGWAY.

- RIGHT!
OH!

- BY THE WAY,
MEET MY COUSIN ED REAL QUICK.

HE'S OVER THERE.
HE'S OUR RESEARCHER.

- WHAT'S UP, GUYS?
HOW YOU DOING?

- ALL RIGHT, RELAX, RELAX,
RELAX, RELAX.

DON'T GIVE HIM A BIG HEAD.

HE ALREADY HAS BIG TITS.
LOOK AT HIM.

ARE YOU GUYS GLAD
THE OLYMPICS ARE FINALLY OVER?

THERE WERE
SO MANY INSPIRATIONAL STORIES.

YOU ALL SAW THAT BLADE RUNNER
GUY FROM SOUTH AFRICA.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME, ED?
- OSCAR PISTORIUS.

- WOW. RALPHIE,
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR FEET.

YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS IS LIKE THEN.

- I WAS JUST--I WAS JUST
OVER HERE THINKING, MAN,

A GUY WITH NO LEGS
OUTRUNS ME, MAN.

I MEAN--
THEN I WAS THINKING

A RECLINER COULD OUTRUN ME,
SO YOU KNOW--

IT IS WHAT IT IS, BABY.

- HE'S LIKE A CENTAUR.
YOU KNOW WHAT A CENTAUR IS?

- NO.
- YEAH.

- A CENTAUR IS, LIKE,
A BEAST WITH, LIKE--

WHAT KIND OF LEGS
ARE ON A CENTAUR?

- I DON'T KNOW.
TELL YOUR PSYCHIC TO STAND UP.

- HE'S LIKE THIS
RIGHT HERE IN THE CLUB.

"HEY, BABE, WHAT'S UP?"

CENTAUR!

- J.B., YOU WOULD BE
SO HILARIOUS

IF PEOPLE KNEW WHAT THE
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

- A CENTAUR, BABY!

- DO YOU THINK THIS GUY'S
EVER GIVEN

ACCIDENTAL ABORTIONS
WHILE RUNNING?

- WOW.

- OH, IS THIS SHOW NOT
THE BURN?

OH, I'M SORRY.

CAN I--

- WHO DID YOU BLOW
TO GET ON THIS SHOW?

- WHO DO I HAVE TO BLOW
TO GET OFF THIS SHOW?

I'M STAYING.

I'M GONNA STAY.
I'M GONNA STAY.

- IN OTHER OLYMPIC PENIS NEWS,
EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT

THE U.S. MEN'S ROWING TEAM,

AND NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT WAS
DANGLING FROM THEIR NECKS.

I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SAY THIS IN MY LIFE,

BUT ZOOM IN
ON THAT PENIS, PLEASE.

WOW, SUCCESS IS REALLY GOING
TO HIS HEAD.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
- I THINK HE GOT SHAFTED

ON THAT ONE.
- YOU SEE THAT KIND OF THING

EVERY DAY IN WOMEN'S
SHOT PUTTING.

AMY, ARE YOU TURNED ON
AT ALL?

- I THINK IT'S FINE.
SOME GUYS USE AN OAR,

SOME USE A ROD.

I DON'T SEE
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
IT'S NOT EVEN THAT BIG, MAN.

I MEAN, LOOK AT IT.

I MEAN, HE'S GOT
SOME GIRTH ON IT--GOOD FOR HIM.

I MEAN, HE'S--

HE'S BANGIN' THEM SIDES
ALL TO HELL,

BUT HE AIN'T KNOCKIN'
THE BOTTOM OUT OF IT.

LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT THAT!
YEAH.

- KNOCKING THE BOTTOM.

- WHEN I COULD SEE MINE,
MINE WAS BIGGER THAN THAT.

YOU KNOW?
JESUS, THAT AIN'T--

J.B., I DEFER TO YOU.

- HEY.

ALL I GOT TO SAY IS
I GUESS THIS SPORT IS

A LOT HARDER
THAN YOU THINK IT IS.

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY.

- YOU THINK OBAMA HAS
A BIG PENIS?

- YES.
- OF COURSE HE DOES.

OF COURSE HE DOES.
- YES.

- YOU EVER SEE OBAMA
COME DOWN

OFF OF AIR FORCE ONE?

THIS IS HOW HE COMES DOWN.
HE GOTTA WALK LIKE THIS.

- KING-SIZE.

- THAT'S A BIG JOHNSON,
BABY!

YOU EVER SEE HIM?

THAT'S A COCKY MAN RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S COCKY, THAT'S COCKY.

- WE'RE GONNA TAKE A BREAK,

SO RALPHIE CAN GET
HIS INSULIN SHOT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- NICE.

- NBC WON A GOLD MEDAL
FOR RACISM.

AFTER BOB COSTAS PRAISED
GABBY DOUGLAS,

HE MADE THIS BEAUTIFUL,
HEARTFELT--WHAT DID HE SAY?

- SO BOB COSTAS WAS
PRAISING GABBY DOUGLAS

AS AN INSPIRATION
TO AFRICAN-AMERICAN GIRLS

ACROSS THE WHOLE NATION,

AND THEN NBC CUT
TO THIS COMMERCIAL.

- HIS ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN
LEADING TO THIS MOMENT.

ALL THE HARD WORK,
THE DEDICATION,

JUST TO ANSWER THE CALL...

THE CALL OF VICTORY.

- JESUS,
WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

- APPARENTLY--

- Y'ALL HONKIES ARE
ALL CRAZY TONIGHT!

- I KNOW, IT'S THE BURN,
NOT THE BURNING THE CROSS.

WHAT THE?
JESUS CHRIST!

- NBC APOLOGIZED.

I THINK IT WAS JUST
AN ACCIDENT.

I DON'T REALLY THINK
THEY WERE BEING RACIST.

IF ANYBODY SHOULD HAVE
BEEN OFFENDED,

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ITALIAN PEOPLE

BECAUSE THAT MONKEY IS HAIRY
AND WEARING A TRACK SUIT.

EVERYBODY'S JUST TOO SENSITIVE.
IT'S NOT RACIST.

- BUT WHY? WHY IS IT RACIST?
MONKEYS AREN'T BLACK PEOPLE.

MONKEYS DON'T LIKE
FAT WHITE GIRLS.

- WOW.

WAIT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
- AMY?

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M--I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY.

I'M GLAD THAT NBC STEPPED UP
AND DID THE RIGHT THING

AND APOLOGIZED
TO THAT MONKEY.

I DON'T THINK THAT
THAT'S COOL...

- THEY APOLOGIZED
TO BLACK PEOPLE, NOT TO MONKEYS.

- RACIST, RACIST, RACIST.
- OH, OKAY.

I'M NOT RACIST.
- NO, NO, NO.

THAT WAS RACIST.
COME ON, NOW, COME ON.

- NO, I JUST THINK--

- KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE THEY GOT DELAYS ON TV.

DELAYS! DELAYS ON RADIO,
DELAYS ON TV.

YOU CAN SAY...

LET'S GO TO THE COMMERCIAL
WHERE THE BEARS

WIPE THEIR ASS WITH CHARMIN.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU SEE THE COMMERCIAL?
ANYBODY SEE THE COMMERCIAL?

WHAT ARE THESE BEARS DOING--

THE BEARS GOT TISSUE
STUCK TO THEIR ASS!

THEY COULD'VE SAID,
"HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

"LET'S NOT PUT THAT ON
BECAUSE THERE ARE BEARS

RUBBIN' THEIR ASSES..."
- J.B., HOLD UP JUST A SECOND.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT, YOU SEEN THAT COMMERCIAL.

- AS A FAT AMERICAN,
I TAKE ISSUE WITH THE FAT BEARS

HAVING TOILET PAPER STUCK
TO THEIR ASSES.

- YOU AGREE.

- OKAY, THAT'S BULL,
ALL RIGHT?

- AND AS SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T
WIPE, I'M PISSED TOO.

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

ON THE PLUS SIDE,
UNLIKE GABBY DOUGLAS,

BOTH OF THE MONKEY'S PARENTS
WERE THERE TO SEE THE EVENT.

- I LOVE YOU, MAN.

SOMEBODY TOOK MY WALLET.
WHATEVER.

- IS YOUR WALLET
IN YOUR BRA?

- ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT UP
FOR MY FRIENDS

AMY, RALPHIE, AND J.B.
- RIGHT ON.

THANK YOU, GUYS.

- GO SEE THEM LIVE.

THEY ARE THE FUNNIEST COMEDIANS
IN THE WORLD.

FOLKS, SOMETIMES PEOPLE
ASK ME

HOW I GOT TO BE
THE ROASTMASTER, YOU KNOW.

I GREW UP IN NEW JERSEY,
WHERE EVERYBODY'S A BALL BUSTER.

WHEN I WAS A KID,
OUR UNCLE MURRAY,

HE TORTURED ME CONSTANTLY.

HE'D ALWAYS MAKE FUN
OF MY FRECKLES AND MY BUCKTEETH.

AND EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY
CALLS HIM "MEAN MURRAY,"

SO IN HONOR
OF HIS 90TH BIRTHDAY,

ME AND ED,
WE WENT BACK TO JERSEY

TO HONOR HIM PROPERLY.

- I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO THE ROASTMASTER.

ROUND OF APPLAUSE!

- THANK YOU ALL.

GIVE IT UP FOR OUR GHOST
OF HONOR, UNCLE MURRAY.

UNCLE MURRAY
ISN'T JUST MY UNCLE,

HE'S MY GREAT, GREAT UNCLE.

AS OPPOSED TO UNCLE ALBIE,
WHO'S MY WORST, WORST UNCLE.

HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT,
EVERYBODY, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW.

UNCLE MURRAY WAS
IN ONE OF THE UNITS

THAT LIBERATED A CONCENTRATION
CAMP IN WORLD WAR II.

BUT AFTER A HALF HOUR
OF MARCHING TO FREEDOM

ALONGSIDE MEAN MURRAY,
THE SURVIVORS TURNED AROUND

AND SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA TOUGH IT OUT HERE
FOR A COUPLE MORE DAYS."

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD,
UNCLE MURRAY'S GONNA BE

MAKING A BIG MOVE SOON

TO THAT VASE
ON TOP OF THE MANTLE.

I LOVE YOU, PAL.
WE ALL LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME
THICK SKIN

AND MAKING ME A MAN.

I APPRECIATE THAT.
- THANK YOU.

- HAPPY LAST BIRTHDAY,
UNCLE MURRAY.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH SOMEBODY

WHO WON'T BE RIGHT BACK.

STICK AROUND FOR
"TOO SOON?"

- DEATH IS A PART OF LIFE,

BUT FOR SOME,
THAT END COMES TOO SOON.

YOU GUYS KNOW
WHO SALLY RIDE WAS?

HI, SALLY.
SHE WAS AN ASTRONAUT

AND THE FIRST
AMERICAN WOMAN IN SPACE,

AND SHE JUST PASSED AWAY
AT THE AGE OF 61.

SALLY RIDE SPENT
OVER 343 HOURS IN SPACE.

MOSTLY BECAUSE SHE KEPT
PULLING THE SHUTTLE OVER

TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

HER CELL PHONE BILL
WAS $37 MILLION.

AND LIKE THE MARS ROVER,
SHE WAS UNMANNED.

THAT'S RIGHT,
SALLY MADE HISTORY

WHEN SHE BECAME
THE ONLY LESBIAN

WHO'S EVER BEEN WEIGHTLESS.

IT'S NOT FUNNY, FELLAS.

OUR NATION HAS LOST A LEADER,
EXPLORER, SCIENTIST,

AND LOYAL SUBARU CUSTOMER.

IN HONOR OF YOU,
SALLY RIDE,

I'M GONNA TOAST YOU
WITH THE FAVORITE THING

THAT YOU LIKED
TO PUT IN YOUR MOUTH...

TANG.

ROAST IN PEACE, SALLY.

SEE Y'ALL SOON,
BUT NOT TOO SOON.

- ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD ALREADY.