The Burn with Jeff Ross (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Amy Schumer/Chelsea Peretti/Brody Stevens/Arianny Celeste - full transcript
Jeff roasts a ten-million dollar rock.
FEEL THE BURN!
TONIGHT, AMY SCHUMER, CHELSEA
PERETTI, BRODIE STEPHENS, AND
JEFF ROSS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
THIS IS IT.
TAKE IT EASY.
COME ON NOW.
IT'S OUR SEASON FINALE.
IT IS ALMOST THE BEGINNING OF
FALL SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS.
THE BIRDS IN MY HAIR ARE
FLYING SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.
LET'S START WITH SOME BIRTHDAY
SHUTOUTS.
HAPPY BURN-DAY TO THE ROYAL
****-UP PRINCE HARRY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR
HE WILL BE WEARING HIS
BIRTHDAY SUIT!
(LAUGHTER)
LANCE ARMSTRONG TURNS 41 THIS
WEEK.
HE WAS GIVEN SEVERAL BIRTHDAY
PRESENTS WHICH WERE THEN
PROMPTLY TAKEN AWAY FROM HIM
BY THE ANTI-DOPING AGENT
AGENCY.
THANK YOU.
(APPLAUSE)
FOR MY NEXT TRICK I'LL BE
WISHING A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY
FRIEND DAVID COPPERFIELD.
I THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING HIM A
CAR, I BUT I COULDN'T PICK A
CARD, ANY CARD.
THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE FOR
THE WHOLE SEASON.
THE MICKEY THAT KIDS ALL OVER
THE WORLD ARE AFRAID OF TURNS
60 THIS WEEK.
(LAUGHTER)
AND HIS FACE TURNS MY STOMACH.
HE TREATED HIMSELF TO A
FACE-LIFT LIFT.
AND HAPPY AND HEALTHY BURN-DAY
TO ANOTHER FAT GUY LIKE ME
FROM NEW JERSEY.
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE.
HE BLEW OUT THE CANDLES ON HIS
CAKE AND HE MADE ONE WISH.
FOR ANOTHER CAKE.
(LAUGHTER)
HIS DREAM JOB WOULD BE SPEAKER
OF THE HOUSE OF PANCAKES.
NO, I'M STILL NOT DONE!
HE IS PRO-CHOICE BUT ONLY AT
HOMETOWN BUFFET.
(LAUGHTER)
ANYWAY, I'M A GREAT BELIEVER
IN FREE SPEECH, BUT I WOULD
PAY GOOD MONEY TO SHUT THIS
GUY UP.
THIS IS THE REVEREND FRED
PHELPS.
HE IS THE **** OF THE
WESTBOROUGH BAPTIST CHURCH.
F PHELPS IS FAMOUS FOR SAYING
GOD HATES **** WHICH
QUALIFIES HIM TO BE A RAPPER,
MEL GIBSON OR MY UNCLE ALBIE.
(LAUGHTER)
I CAN'T TAKE A GUY SERIOUSLY
WHO LOOKS LIKE A COWBOY
SUPERMAN!
HEY, FRED, HERE IS A FUN FACT.
ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD IS GAY.
AND YOU HAVE 13 KIDS.
THAT MEANS AT LEAST TWO OF
THEM ENJOY SUCKING YOUR GAY
BABY-MAKING ****.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TAYLOR SWIFT'S NEW SONG IS
CALLED "WE ARE NEVER GETTING
BACK TOGETHER."
IT IS ABOUT HER FLING WITH
JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
HAVE YOU HEARD IT?
* I REMEMBER WHEN WE BROKE UP,
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
WE HADN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN A
MONTH, WHEN YOU SAID YOU
NEEDED SPACE *
OH.
(LAUGHTER)
SHE SHOULD BREAK UP WITH HER
GUITAR ALREADY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT SONG.
STOP THE WHINING ALREADY!
TAYLOR, IF A GUY EVER TREATED
YOU RIGHT, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A
CAREER.
SHE IS DATING ONE OF THE
KENNEDYS NOW.
THE KENNEDY CURSE CAN'T COME
SOON ENOUGH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I'M ASSUMING THAT MOST OF YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND SIGN
LANGUAGE.
BUT CHECK THIS OUT.
THE JEHOVAH WITNESSES PUT THIS
VIDEO OUT TO TELL DEAF PEOPLE
NOT TO MASTURBATE.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS
SAYING.
I GET THE JIZ OF IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WHY DID HE SPIT IN HIS HAND
FIRST?
THAT WAS WRONG!
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN
JEHOVAH'S UNWITNESS THAT?
DO THEY NEED TO MAKE THIS
VIDEO?
EVEN JEHOVAH KNOWS NO ONE
WANTS TO JERK OFF WHEN THERE
IS A BUNCH OF WITNESSES.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE OF
THE WHOLE SEASON RIGHT THERE.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN KEEPING UP
WITH THE DUGGARS?
NOBODY CAN.
BECAUSE THEY EVER 19 KIDS AND
THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT 20.
THAT IS WHY THE DUGGARS ARE
THE TARGET OF THIS WEEK'S
RAPID-FIRE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
19 KIDS AND COUNTING!
HEY, LADY, IT'S A VAGINA, NOT
A T-SHIRT CANON?
THE DADDY OF THE 19 KIDS IS
NAMED JIM-BOB.
LIKE THAT IS A SURPRISE.
(LAUGHTER)
JIM-BOP, YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA IS
LIKE ARKANSAS, YOU NEED TO GET
THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
HE IS GOTTEN SO OUT OF HAND,
SOME REPUBLICANS ARE STARTING
TO OPPOSE ABORTION EXCEPT IN
THE CASE OF RAPE, INCEST OR
JIM-BOB.
LADY, YOU ARE STILL HAVING
BABIES AT 46.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO DRY, YOUR
LAST KID CAME OUT WITH A
SKINNED KNEE.
NOW THEY ARE TRYING TO HAVE
ANOTHER KID!
WOW.
THEY HAVE PRODUCED MORE CRYING
NAKED KIDS THAN THE PENN STATE
LOCKER ROOM.
OH!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
DUGGAR, PLEASE!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRY ANAL!
(LAUGHTER)
THAT IS IT FOR RAPID-FIRE THIS
WEEK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW, IN THIS TOUGH
ECONOMY, PEOPLE ARE EMPTYING
OUT THEIR GARAGES AND SELLING
THEIR JUNK FOR EXTRA MONEY.
I WOULD LOVE TO EMPTY OUT MY
GARAGE, BUT MY COUSIN ED IS
SLEEPING IN IT.
IT'S GOT FREE WI-FI.
(LAUGHTER)
THIS WEEK I WENT DOWN TO
THE FLEA MARKET IN MY
NEIGHBORHOOD TO TALK TO PEOPLE
ABOUT THEIR JUNK IN A SEGMENT
WE CALL ANTIQUES ROAST SHOW.
I'M AT THE MELROSE FLEA
MARKET.
THERE IS EIGHT ACRES OF TRASH
HERE.
I'M GOING TO BURN MY WAY
THROUGH IT.
ALL RIGHT.
STEP RIGHT UP.
THE ANTIQUES ROAST SHOW.
SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
LOOK AT.
THIS A FOOTBALL FOAM.
YOU DON'T SEE THESE ANYMORE.
GOING TO LOOK GREAT NEXT TO
YOUR RACE-CAR BED.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS
PERFECT FOR?
DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.
GREAT FOR HAVING PHONE SEX
WITH JERRY SANDUSKY.
HOW YOU GOING TO FIT THESE
IN THE CAR YOU LIVE IN?
WHO TOLD YOU I LIVED IN A
CAR?
I JUST GUESSED IT.
LOVE THESE SKIS.
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN GOING
DOWNHILL FOR MANY YEARS NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH
THIS?
I'M GOING TO WEAR IT AND
HAVE THE RIGHT WOMAN YANK ON
IT WHEN IT IS TIME.
IT IS THE ONLY TAIL YOU ARE
EVER GOING TO GET.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SO BE IT.
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.
I DIDN'T KNOW THE
OOMPAS-LOOMPAS HAD A ROCK
BAND.
VERY BEAUTIFUL.
THAT IS PERFECT REPLACEMENT
FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE
CHILDREN.
PUT AN ICE PICK THERE SO HE
DOESN'T HAVE TO HEAR YOU CRY
YOURSELF THE SLEEP EVERY
NIGHT.
ARE YOU A TROM BONN PLAYER?
NO.
IT IS NOT HER FIRST RUSTY
TROMBONE, HUH?
BASICALLY, OBAMA WITH A HOLE
IN HIS HEAD.
YEAH.
MORE LIKE ABE LINCOLN THAN
EVER BEFORE.
YOU HAVEN'T PUT ANY MONEY IN
THIS THING IN FOUR YEARS.
YES.
EXACTLY.
I LIKE THIS THING.
WOW, AWESOME.
THE FIRST BILL OBAMA EVER
PASSED.
IF YOU PUT HIS PICTURE IN
THERE, THE FRAME WOULD BREAK.
IT WOULD BE LIKE TOM CRUISE IF
HE WAS MISSING A CHROMOSOME.
WHAT A FUN DAY AT THE FLEA
MARKET.
I PICKED UP A LITTLE SOMETHING
MYSELF.
HEPATITIS C.
LOOK AT THIS THING.
HOW YOU DOING, SIR?
HOW ARE YOU?
HOW MUCH FOR THIS NORTH
KOREAN IPAD?
NOT FOR SALE.
THANKS FOR WATCHING THE
ANTIQUES ROAST SHOW,
EVERYBODY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
COMING UP...
I USED TO HAVE SEX WITH
HISPANIC GUYS.
NOW I PREFER CONSENSUAL.
(LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT.
PLEASE WELCOME TWO-TIME
COIMMEDIATAN... COMEDIANS AND
THE LIMO DRIVER THAT BROUGHT
THEM.
AMY SCHUMER, CHELSEA PERETTI,
BRODIE STEPHENS.
YOU KNOW, JEFF, I DO MY OWN
MAKEUP WHEN I COME IN HERE?
I USE TINTED CLEARASIL AND A
BLACK SHARPY.
GIVE IT UP FOR BRODIE, THE
19th HIJACKER.
(LAUGHTER)
WOW.
LADIES, HOW THE HECK ARE YOU?
IT IS SO HARD HAVING
OVARIES.
WHY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T HAVE A FOLLOW-UP.
I JUST WANTED TO SAYMENT THAT.
I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT
ANATOMY.
BUT, LIKE, HOW FAR... ASK
AWAY.
HOW FAR INSIDE A WOMAN ARE
HER OVARIES?
YOU WILL NEVER GET THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU ARE SAFE.
YOU ARE SAFE.
YOU ARE SO SAFE.
NO.
ONE OF MY OVARIES FELL OUT.
WHAT IS THE OVARY UNDERY ON
THAT?
YES!
HOW IS IT GOING WITH YOU?
IT IS COOL.
TWO OF MOST POWERFUL NOSES IN
HOLLYWOOD.
GOOD ONE.
I GOT A BIG NOSE.
BRODIE, I LOVE YOU AS THE
EAGLE IN THE MUPPET SHOW.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU COULD PLAY THAT PART.
IT IS PERFECT FOR YOU.
YEAH.
I'M DECENT-LOOKING.
I HAVE DONE A LOT OF MODELING
IN SERBIA.
THERE IS THIS GUY WHO
PROTESTED THE TSA CHECKPOINT.
HE WENT THROUGH NAKED.
HE GOT ARRESTED.
A JUDGE RULED IT OKAY BECAUSE
IT WAS A SIGN OF FREE SPEECH.
ED, IS THAT YOU?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YES.
YOU KNOW.
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
THEY MADE HIM WHACK OFF
BECAUSE HE HAD MORE THAN FOUR
OUNCES OF LIQUID IN HIS BAG.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
WHEN YOU GO THROUGH NAKED,
WOULD YOU MAKE A POINT,
BRODIE?
JEFF, I AM THREE INCHES AND
CROOKED.
(LAUGHTER)
IF I WENT THROUGH SECURITY
NAKED TO MAKE A POINT, THE
ONLY POINT I WOULD BE MAKING
IS, S, LIKE, THAT I LOOK GREAT
NAKED.
YEAH.
CHELSEA LOOKS GREAT NAKED.
THERE IS A GLORY HOLE IN THE
DRESSING ROOM.
REALLY?
YEAH.
I DRILLED IT.
(LAUGHTER)
THIS GUY RESISTED ARREST.
THEY TOOK HIM TO THE GYM FOR
SIX HOURS TO PUNISH HIM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, AMY?
IT DEPENDS ON THE CITY YOU
ARE IN.
IF I WAS CUTTING IT CLOSE IN
TAMPA, I WOULD DO WHATEVER IT
TOOK TO GET THE **** OUT OF
THERE.
TAKE OFFENSE, TAMPA.
THIS GUY NEEDS TO WORK OUT.
HE NEEDS TO GET SOME KETTLE
BELLS.
START WITH SOME 25'S.
PROPER FORM.
IT'S SICKENING TO LOOK AT.
IT IS NOT GOOD FOR AMERICA.
THIS GUY NEEDS TO TIGHTEN IT
UP.
DO SOME PX-90.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU ARE IN GOOD SHAPE, BRODY.
I WORK OUT.
I BENCH-PRESS 250 POUNDS
TODAY.
I TOLD YOU I WEIGH 150.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP
SAYING THAT.
150.
THAT'S A ONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I LIKE TO REFUSE THE X-RAY
AND GET THE PAT-DOWN.
IT IS LIKE... THEY PUT A WOMAN
ON YOU.
IT IS ALWAYS LIKE A LESBIANISH
WOMAN.
I'LL JUST BE LIKE...
MAKES IT FUN.
I SNUCK POT THROUGH A TSA
CHECKPOINT.
YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION?
I'M ADMITTING THAT.
I PUT A ONE-HITTER IN MY
URETHRA.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THEY DON'T LOOK THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S A MALE CLITORIS.
I DON'T THINK IT IS THE
MALE CLITORIS.
IT IS NOT LIKE IF SOMEONE RUBS
YOUR URETHRA REALLY HARD, YOU
ARE GOING TO FEEL GOOD.
TURNS ME ON.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
McDONALD'S IS OPENING THEIR
VERY FIRST VEGETARIAN-ONLY
RESTAURANT IN INDIA NEXT WEEK.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT
ED'S DIARY SOUNDS LIKE.
(LAUGHTER)
THEY HAVE A SIGN ON THE
DOOR THAT SAYS "NO SHIRT NO,
SHOES, WANT TO WORK HERE?"
VEGETARIAN McDONALD'S IN
INDIA.
YOU ASK FOR A McRIB, AND THEY
PULL UP THEIR SHIRT.
(LAUGHTER)
I LOVE HAPPY MEALS.
I DO.
POSITIVE ENERGY!
POSITIVE ENERGY!
HAPPY MEALS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I EAT THE TOY BUT KEEP THE
FOOD AS A SOUVENIR.
(LAUGHTER)
VEGETARIAN McDONALD'S IN
INDIA.
WANT FLIES WITH THAT?
(LAUGHTER) NEWT GINGRICH
(LAUGHTER) NEWT GINGRICH
IF YOU HAD TO GO OUT THE
DINNER WITH ME, BRODIE, OR
ED...
I'M SORRY.
PREFERENCES CHANGE.
I USED TO HAVE SEX WITH
HISPANIC GUYS.
NOW I PREFER CONSENSUAL.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
STICK AROUND.
I'M GOING TO BURN SOME ART.
HEY, I LOVE ART.
BUT IT'S A RECESSION.
IT IS HARD TO JUSTIFY THE $10
MILLION BEING WASTED ON
LEVITATED MASS.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
IN TRUE AMERICAN FASHION, WE
WENT OUT TO ATTACK A ROCK.
THERE IT IS, EVERYBODY.
LEVITATED MASS.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY GOT IT HERE?
THEY USED THE SAME CREW THAT
GETS ADELE OUT OF HER BATHTUB
IN THE MORNING.
IT TOOK TEN DAYS AND $10
MILLION TO GET THIS THING
HERE.
40 TONS.
THE ONLY THING BIGGER AND
HEAVIER THAN THIS ROCK ARE THE
ARTIST'S BALLS.
THAT THING IS SO BIG AND ROUND,
THEY BOUGHT AN ELECTION.
I SEE A BOULDER HOLDER RIGHT
THERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THE WORLD
WHO WASTED $10 MILLION ON
THIS?
IT IS A BIG ROCK.
BIGGER THAN THE ONE WHITNEY
WAS SMOKING WHEN SHE...
OH, OH.
YOU ARE AN ARTIST?
YEAH, YEAH.
IS THAT TRUE?
YEAH.
ARE YOU MEXICAN?
YEAH.
A LANDSCAPE ARTIST?
YEAH, YEAH.
EVERYWHERE.
AS AN ARTIST, WHAT BOWL YOU
CREATE WITH THAT MONEY?
I WOULD GIVE BACK TO THE
COMMUNITY.
THERE IS A LOT OF PEOPLE
STRUGGLING.
THEY NEED FOOD.
PEOPLE ARE GETTING KICKED OUT
OF THEIR HOMES AND STUFF.
ARE YOU HERE TO TAG IT?
NO, NO, NO.
IT IS 40 MILLION YEARS OLD.
THAT IS NOTHING FOR YOU,
RIGHT?
YOU WERE AROUND BACK THEN.
THAT THING IS CREATED BY
WIND AND TIME.
MUCH LIKE YOUR HAIR-STYLE.
(LAUGHTER)
HERE IS MY NEW ART
INSTALLATION.
HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
IT IS CALLED MONEY TO BURN.
TAKE THAT, AMERICAN ECONOMY!
WHO FEELS LIKE GETTING
SPEED-ROASTED?
RAISE YOUR HAND.
STAND UP.
HOW YOU DOING?
YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.
THIS IS ARIANNA CELESTE FROM
THE USC.
AN OCTAGON RING GIRL.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
CHECK OUT THOSE MM-8 CUPS.
WOW.
I WOULD LIKE TO GET IN THE
RING WITH YOU.
I'M TOO DISTRACTED.
YOU GUYS HAVE TO MAKE A JOKE.
SHE IS SO HOT I WANT TO
BEAT ME INTO SUBMISSION.
(LAUGHTER)
YOUR JOB IS MOSTLY JUST
LOOKING GOOD AND COUNTING TO
TEN.
RIGHT?
FIVE, ACTUALLY.
CAN COUNT TO TWO RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE A GOOD SPORT.
ARE THESE YOUR FRIENDS?
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
DEL TORRES.
WHAT IS YOUR WEIGHT CATEGORY?
BANTAM-WEIGHT.
WHAT IS YOUR RECORD?
45...
I MEAN CRIMINAL.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU LIKE TOUGH GUYS SNRX.
ABSOLUTELY.
I'LL **** ANYONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SMART.
SHE KEEPS YOU IN THAT MULLET
SO NOBODY ELSE **** YOU.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
MY FAVORITE JOKE OF THE SEASON
RIGHT THERE.
VERY GOOD.
THANK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD
SPORT, BUDDY.
APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ONE MORE HAND BACK THERE.
SHE HAD HER HAND FIRST.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU DOING, MAN?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
SHARON.
HOW IS IT GOING WITH YOU?
NOT SHARIN' YOUR FOOD!
(LAUGHTER)
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY
FAVORITE JOKE OF THE SEASON.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THANK YOU, ALL MY VOLUNTEERS
FOR BEING GOOD SPORTS.
THAT IS IT FOR SPEED-ROASTING.
ONE MORE HAND FOR BRODIE AND
CHELSEA.
AMY WILL BE AT THE RIVIERA IN
VEGAS THE LAST WEEKEND IN
SEPTEMBER.
COMING UP, BIG-FOOT!
THIS IS A SAD STORY.
MONTANA RESIDENT RANDY LEE GOT
HIT BY TWO CARS WHILE RUNNING
DOWN A HIGHWAY DRESSED AS
BIG-FOOT.
NOW HE IS DEAD.
(LAUGHTER)
WHAT A **** IDIOT.
AND THAT'S WHY HE IS THE
SUBJECT OF THIS WEEK'S... TOO
SOON?
SO IT'S A TRAGIC LOSS OF LIFE.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS
AUTHORITIES DIDN'T HAVE TO
NOTIFY A GIRLFRIEND OR
EMPLOYER.
(LAUGHTER)
HE WAS HIT BY TWO DIFFERENT
CARS.
HE WAS COMPLETELY SASQUATCHED.
(LAUGHTER)
THE DRIVERS WERE BOTH
TEENAGE GIRLS AND THEY WERE
THE ONLY TWO CHICKS WHO HAD
EVER HIT ON RANDY LEE.
(LAUGHTER)
THE NIGHT HE DIED NO, ONE
REPORTED A BIG-FOOT SIGHTING.
SEVERAL MOTORISTS TWEETED THEY
ALMOST HIT CHLOE KARDASHIAN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ROAST IN PEACE, BIG-FOOT.
EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER REALLY
EXISTED.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
WE HAVE HAD A BLAST.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
SEE YOU SOON.
NOT TOO SOON.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.
I SNUCK POT THROUGH A TSA
CHECKPOINT.
YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT?
I'M ADMITTING THAT.
I PUT A ONE-HITTER IN MY
URETHRA.
(LAUGHTER)
TONIGHT, AMY SCHUMER, CHELSEA
PERETTI, BRODIE STEPHENS, AND
JEFF ROSS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
THIS IS IT.
TAKE IT EASY.
COME ON NOW.
IT'S OUR SEASON FINALE.
IT IS ALMOST THE BEGINNING OF
FALL SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS.
THE BIRDS IN MY HAIR ARE
FLYING SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.
LET'S START WITH SOME BIRTHDAY
SHUTOUTS.
HAPPY BURN-DAY TO THE ROYAL
****-UP PRINCE HARRY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR
HE WILL BE WEARING HIS
BIRTHDAY SUIT!
(LAUGHTER)
LANCE ARMSTRONG TURNS 41 THIS
WEEK.
HE WAS GIVEN SEVERAL BIRTHDAY
PRESENTS WHICH WERE THEN
PROMPTLY TAKEN AWAY FROM HIM
BY THE ANTI-DOPING AGENT
AGENCY.
THANK YOU.
(APPLAUSE)
FOR MY NEXT TRICK I'LL BE
WISHING A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY
FRIEND DAVID COPPERFIELD.
I THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING HIM A
CAR, I BUT I COULDN'T PICK A
CARD, ANY CARD.
THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE FOR
THE WHOLE SEASON.
THE MICKEY THAT KIDS ALL OVER
THE WORLD ARE AFRAID OF TURNS
60 THIS WEEK.
(LAUGHTER)
AND HIS FACE TURNS MY STOMACH.
HE TREATED HIMSELF TO A
FACE-LIFT LIFT.
AND HAPPY AND HEALTHY BURN-DAY
TO ANOTHER FAT GUY LIKE ME
FROM NEW JERSEY.
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE.
HE BLEW OUT THE CANDLES ON HIS
CAKE AND HE MADE ONE WISH.
FOR ANOTHER CAKE.
(LAUGHTER)
HIS DREAM JOB WOULD BE SPEAKER
OF THE HOUSE OF PANCAKES.
NO, I'M STILL NOT DONE!
HE IS PRO-CHOICE BUT ONLY AT
HOMETOWN BUFFET.
(LAUGHTER)
ANYWAY, I'M A GREAT BELIEVER
IN FREE SPEECH, BUT I WOULD
PAY GOOD MONEY TO SHUT THIS
GUY UP.
THIS IS THE REVEREND FRED
PHELPS.
HE IS THE **** OF THE
WESTBOROUGH BAPTIST CHURCH.
F PHELPS IS FAMOUS FOR SAYING
GOD HATES **** WHICH
QUALIFIES HIM TO BE A RAPPER,
MEL GIBSON OR MY UNCLE ALBIE.
(LAUGHTER)
I CAN'T TAKE A GUY SERIOUSLY
WHO LOOKS LIKE A COWBOY
SUPERMAN!
HEY, FRED, HERE IS A FUN FACT.
ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD IS GAY.
AND YOU HAVE 13 KIDS.
THAT MEANS AT LEAST TWO OF
THEM ENJOY SUCKING YOUR GAY
BABY-MAKING ****.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TAYLOR SWIFT'S NEW SONG IS
CALLED "WE ARE NEVER GETTING
BACK TOGETHER."
IT IS ABOUT HER FLING WITH
JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
HAVE YOU HEARD IT?
* I REMEMBER WHEN WE BROKE UP,
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
WE HADN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN A
MONTH, WHEN YOU SAID YOU
NEEDED SPACE *
OH.
(LAUGHTER)
SHE SHOULD BREAK UP WITH HER
GUITAR ALREADY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT SONG.
STOP THE WHINING ALREADY!
TAYLOR, IF A GUY EVER TREATED
YOU RIGHT, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A
CAREER.
SHE IS DATING ONE OF THE
KENNEDYS NOW.
THE KENNEDY CURSE CAN'T COME
SOON ENOUGH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I'M ASSUMING THAT MOST OF YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND SIGN
LANGUAGE.
BUT CHECK THIS OUT.
THE JEHOVAH WITNESSES PUT THIS
VIDEO OUT TO TELL DEAF PEOPLE
NOT TO MASTURBATE.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS
SAYING.
I GET THE JIZ OF IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WHY DID HE SPIT IN HIS HAND
FIRST?
THAT WAS WRONG!
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN
JEHOVAH'S UNWITNESS THAT?
DO THEY NEED TO MAKE THIS
VIDEO?
EVEN JEHOVAH KNOWS NO ONE
WANTS TO JERK OFF WHEN THERE
IS A BUNCH OF WITNESSES.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE OF
THE WHOLE SEASON RIGHT THERE.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN KEEPING UP
WITH THE DUGGARS?
NOBODY CAN.
BECAUSE THEY EVER 19 KIDS AND
THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT 20.
THAT IS WHY THE DUGGARS ARE
THE TARGET OF THIS WEEK'S
RAPID-FIRE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
19 KIDS AND COUNTING!
HEY, LADY, IT'S A VAGINA, NOT
A T-SHIRT CANON?
THE DADDY OF THE 19 KIDS IS
NAMED JIM-BOB.
LIKE THAT IS A SURPRISE.
(LAUGHTER)
JIM-BOP, YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA IS
LIKE ARKANSAS, YOU NEED TO GET
THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
HE IS GOTTEN SO OUT OF HAND,
SOME REPUBLICANS ARE STARTING
TO OPPOSE ABORTION EXCEPT IN
THE CASE OF RAPE, INCEST OR
JIM-BOB.
LADY, YOU ARE STILL HAVING
BABIES AT 46.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO DRY, YOUR
LAST KID CAME OUT WITH A
SKINNED KNEE.
NOW THEY ARE TRYING TO HAVE
ANOTHER KID!
WOW.
THEY HAVE PRODUCED MORE CRYING
NAKED KIDS THAN THE PENN STATE
LOCKER ROOM.
OH!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
DUGGAR, PLEASE!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRY ANAL!
(LAUGHTER)
THAT IS IT FOR RAPID-FIRE THIS
WEEK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW, IN THIS TOUGH
ECONOMY, PEOPLE ARE EMPTYING
OUT THEIR GARAGES AND SELLING
THEIR JUNK FOR EXTRA MONEY.
I WOULD LOVE TO EMPTY OUT MY
GARAGE, BUT MY COUSIN ED IS
SLEEPING IN IT.
IT'S GOT FREE WI-FI.
(LAUGHTER)
THIS WEEK I WENT DOWN TO
THE FLEA MARKET IN MY
NEIGHBORHOOD TO TALK TO PEOPLE
ABOUT THEIR JUNK IN A SEGMENT
WE CALL ANTIQUES ROAST SHOW.
I'M AT THE MELROSE FLEA
MARKET.
THERE IS EIGHT ACRES OF TRASH
HERE.
I'M GOING TO BURN MY WAY
THROUGH IT.
ALL RIGHT.
STEP RIGHT UP.
THE ANTIQUES ROAST SHOW.
SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
LOOK AT.
THIS A FOOTBALL FOAM.
YOU DON'T SEE THESE ANYMORE.
GOING TO LOOK GREAT NEXT TO
YOUR RACE-CAR BED.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS
PERFECT FOR?
DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.
GREAT FOR HAVING PHONE SEX
WITH JERRY SANDUSKY.
HOW YOU GOING TO FIT THESE
IN THE CAR YOU LIVE IN?
WHO TOLD YOU I LIVED IN A
CAR?
I JUST GUESSED IT.
LOVE THESE SKIS.
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN GOING
DOWNHILL FOR MANY YEARS NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH
THIS?
I'M GOING TO WEAR IT AND
HAVE THE RIGHT WOMAN YANK ON
IT WHEN IT IS TIME.
IT IS THE ONLY TAIL YOU ARE
EVER GOING TO GET.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SO BE IT.
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.
I DIDN'T KNOW THE
OOMPAS-LOOMPAS HAD A ROCK
BAND.
VERY BEAUTIFUL.
THAT IS PERFECT REPLACEMENT
FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE
CHILDREN.
PUT AN ICE PICK THERE SO HE
DOESN'T HAVE TO HEAR YOU CRY
YOURSELF THE SLEEP EVERY
NIGHT.
ARE YOU A TROM BONN PLAYER?
NO.
IT IS NOT HER FIRST RUSTY
TROMBONE, HUH?
BASICALLY, OBAMA WITH A HOLE
IN HIS HEAD.
YEAH.
MORE LIKE ABE LINCOLN THAN
EVER BEFORE.
YOU HAVEN'T PUT ANY MONEY IN
THIS THING IN FOUR YEARS.
YES.
EXACTLY.
I LIKE THIS THING.
WOW, AWESOME.
THE FIRST BILL OBAMA EVER
PASSED.
IF YOU PUT HIS PICTURE IN
THERE, THE FRAME WOULD BREAK.
IT WOULD BE LIKE TOM CRUISE IF
HE WAS MISSING A CHROMOSOME.
WHAT A FUN DAY AT THE FLEA
MARKET.
I PICKED UP A LITTLE SOMETHING
MYSELF.
HEPATITIS C.
LOOK AT THIS THING.
HOW YOU DOING, SIR?
HOW ARE YOU?
HOW MUCH FOR THIS NORTH
KOREAN IPAD?
NOT FOR SALE.
THANKS FOR WATCHING THE
ANTIQUES ROAST SHOW,
EVERYBODY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
COMING UP...
I USED TO HAVE SEX WITH
HISPANIC GUYS.
NOW I PREFER CONSENSUAL.
(LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT.
PLEASE WELCOME TWO-TIME
COIMMEDIATAN... COMEDIANS AND
THE LIMO DRIVER THAT BROUGHT
THEM.
AMY SCHUMER, CHELSEA PERETTI,
BRODIE STEPHENS.
YOU KNOW, JEFF, I DO MY OWN
MAKEUP WHEN I COME IN HERE?
I USE TINTED CLEARASIL AND A
BLACK SHARPY.
GIVE IT UP FOR BRODIE, THE
19th HIJACKER.
(LAUGHTER)
WOW.
LADIES, HOW THE HECK ARE YOU?
IT IS SO HARD HAVING
OVARIES.
WHY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T HAVE A FOLLOW-UP.
I JUST WANTED TO SAYMENT THAT.
I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT
ANATOMY.
BUT, LIKE, HOW FAR... ASK
AWAY.
HOW FAR INSIDE A WOMAN ARE
HER OVARIES?
YOU WILL NEVER GET THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU ARE SAFE.
YOU ARE SAFE.
YOU ARE SO SAFE.
NO.
ONE OF MY OVARIES FELL OUT.
WHAT IS THE OVARY UNDERY ON
THAT?
YES!
HOW IS IT GOING WITH YOU?
IT IS COOL.
TWO OF MOST POWERFUL NOSES IN
HOLLYWOOD.
GOOD ONE.
I GOT A BIG NOSE.
BRODIE, I LOVE YOU AS THE
EAGLE IN THE MUPPET SHOW.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU COULD PLAY THAT PART.
IT IS PERFECT FOR YOU.
YEAH.
I'M DECENT-LOOKING.
I HAVE DONE A LOT OF MODELING
IN SERBIA.
THERE IS THIS GUY WHO
PROTESTED THE TSA CHECKPOINT.
HE WENT THROUGH NAKED.
HE GOT ARRESTED.
A JUDGE RULED IT OKAY BECAUSE
IT WAS A SIGN OF FREE SPEECH.
ED, IS THAT YOU?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YES.
YOU KNOW.
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
THEY MADE HIM WHACK OFF
BECAUSE HE HAD MORE THAN FOUR
OUNCES OF LIQUID IN HIS BAG.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
WHEN YOU GO THROUGH NAKED,
WOULD YOU MAKE A POINT,
BRODIE?
JEFF, I AM THREE INCHES AND
CROOKED.
(LAUGHTER)
IF I WENT THROUGH SECURITY
NAKED TO MAKE A POINT, THE
ONLY POINT I WOULD BE MAKING
IS, S, LIKE, THAT I LOOK GREAT
NAKED.
YEAH.
CHELSEA LOOKS GREAT NAKED.
THERE IS A GLORY HOLE IN THE
DRESSING ROOM.
REALLY?
YEAH.
I DRILLED IT.
(LAUGHTER)
THIS GUY RESISTED ARREST.
THEY TOOK HIM TO THE GYM FOR
SIX HOURS TO PUNISH HIM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, AMY?
IT DEPENDS ON THE CITY YOU
ARE IN.
IF I WAS CUTTING IT CLOSE IN
TAMPA, I WOULD DO WHATEVER IT
TOOK TO GET THE **** OUT OF
THERE.
TAKE OFFENSE, TAMPA.
THIS GUY NEEDS TO WORK OUT.
HE NEEDS TO GET SOME KETTLE
BELLS.
START WITH SOME 25'S.
PROPER FORM.
IT'S SICKENING TO LOOK AT.
IT IS NOT GOOD FOR AMERICA.
THIS GUY NEEDS TO TIGHTEN IT
UP.
DO SOME PX-90.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU ARE IN GOOD SHAPE, BRODY.
I WORK OUT.
I BENCH-PRESS 250 POUNDS
TODAY.
I TOLD YOU I WEIGH 150.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP
SAYING THAT.
150.
THAT'S A ONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I LIKE TO REFUSE THE X-RAY
AND GET THE PAT-DOWN.
IT IS LIKE... THEY PUT A WOMAN
ON YOU.
IT IS ALWAYS LIKE A LESBIANISH
WOMAN.
I'LL JUST BE LIKE...
MAKES IT FUN.
I SNUCK POT THROUGH A TSA
CHECKPOINT.
YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION?
I'M ADMITTING THAT.
I PUT A ONE-HITTER IN MY
URETHRA.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THEY DON'T LOOK THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S A MALE CLITORIS.
I DON'T THINK IT IS THE
MALE CLITORIS.
IT IS NOT LIKE IF SOMEONE RUBS
YOUR URETHRA REALLY HARD, YOU
ARE GOING TO FEEL GOOD.
TURNS ME ON.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
McDONALD'S IS OPENING THEIR
VERY FIRST VEGETARIAN-ONLY
RESTAURANT IN INDIA NEXT WEEK.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT
ED'S DIARY SOUNDS LIKE.
(LAUGHTER)
THEY HAVE A SIGN ON THE
DOOR THAT SAYS "NO SHIRT NO,
SHOES, WANT TO WORK HERE?"
VEGETARIAN McDONALD'S IN
INDIA.
YOU ASK FOR A McRIB, AND THEY
PULL UP THEIR SHIRT.
(LAUGHTER)
I LOVE HAPPY MEALS.
I DO.
POSITIVE ENERGY!
POSITIVE ENERGY!
HAPPY MEALS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I EAT THE TOY BUT KEEP THE
FOOD AS A SOUVENIR.
(LAUGHTER)
VEGETARIAN McDONALD'S IN
INDIA.
WANT FLIES WITH THAT?
(LAUGHTER) NEWT GINGRICH
(LAUGHTER) NEWT GINGRICH
IF YOU HAD TO GO OUT THE
DINNER WITH ME, BRODIE, OR
ED...
I'M SORRY.
PREFERENCES CHANGE.
I USED TO HAVE SEX WITH
HISPANIC GUYS.
NOW I PREFER CONSENSUAL.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
STICK AROUND.
I'M GOING TO BURN SOME ART.
HEY, I LOVE ART.
BUT IT'S A RECESSION.
IT IS HARD TO JUSTIFY THE $10
MILLION BEING WASTED ON
LEVITATED MASS.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
IN TRUE AMERICAN FASHION, WE
WENT OUT TO ATTACK A ROCK.
THERE IT IS, EVERYBODY.
LEVITATED MASS.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY GOT IT HERE?
THEY USED THE SAME CREW THAT
GETS ADELE OUT OF HER BATHTUB
IN THE MORNING.
IT TOOK TEN DAYS AND $10
MILLION TO GET THIS THING
HERE.
40 TONS.
THE ONLY THING BIGGER AND
HEAVIER THAN THIS ROCK ARE THE
ARTIST'S BALLS.
THAT THING IS SO BIG AND ROUND,
THEY BOUGHT AN ELECTION.
I SEE A BOULDER HOLDER RIGHT
THERE.
WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THE WORLD
WHO WASTED $10 MILLION ON
THIS?
IT IS A BIG ROCK.
BIGGER THAN THE ONE WHITNEY
WAS SMOKING WHEN SHE...
OH, OH.
YOU ARE AN ARTIST?
YEAH, YEAH.
IS THAT TRUE?
YEAH.
ARE YOU MEXICAN?
YEAH.
A LANDSCAPE ARTIST?
YEAH, YEAH.
EVERYWHERE.
AS AN ARTIST, WHAT BOWL YOU
CREATE WITH THAT MONEY?
I WOULD GIVE BACK TO THE
COMMUNITY.
THERE IS A LOT OF PEOPLE
STRUGGLING.
THEY NEED FOOD.
PEOPLE ARE GETTING KICKED OUT
OF THEIR HOMES AND STUFF.
ARE YOU HERE TO TAG IT?
NO, NO, NO.
IT IS 40 MILLION YEARS OLD.
THAT IS NOTHING FOR YOU,
RIGHT?
YOU WERE AROUND BACK THEN.
THAT THING IS CREATED BY
WIND AND TIME.
MUCH LIKE YOUR HAIR-STYLE.
(LAUGHTER)
HERE IS MY NEW ART
INSTALLATION.
HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
IT IS CALLED MONEY TO BURN.
TAKE THAT, AMERICAN ECONOMY!
WHO FEELS LIKE GETTING
SPEED-ROASTED?
RAISE YOUR HAND.
STAND UP.
HOW YOU DOING?
YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.
THIS IS ARIANNA CELESTE FROM
THE USC.
AN OCTAGON RING GIRL.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
CHECK OUT THOSE MM-8 CUPS.
WOW.
I WOULD LIKE TO GET IN THE
RING WITH YOU.
I'M TOO DISTRACTED.
YOU GUYS HAVE TO MAKE A JOKE.
SHE IS SO HOT I WANT TO
BEAT ME INTO SUBMISSION.
(LAUGHTER)
YOUR JOB IS MOSTLY JUST
LOOKING GOOD AND COUNTING TO
TEN.
RIGHT?
FIVE, ACTUALLY.
CAN COUNT TO TWO RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE A GOOD SPORT.
ARE THESE YOUR FRIENDS?
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
DEL TORRES.
WHAT IS YOUR WEIGHT CATEGORY?
BANTAM-WEIGHT.
WHAT IS YOUR RECORD?
45...
I MEAN CRIMINAL.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU LIKE TOUGH GUYS SNRX.
ABSOLUTELY.
I'LL **** ANYONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SMART.
SHE KEEPS YOU IN THAT MULLET
SO NOBODY ELSE **** YOU.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
MY FAVORITE JOKE OF THE SEASON
RIGHT THERE.
VERY GOOD.
THANK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD
SPORT, BUDDY.
APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ONE MORE HAND BACK THERE.
SHE HAD HER HAND FIRST.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU DOING, MAN?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
SHARON.
HOW IS IT GOING WITH YOU?
NOT SHARIN' YOUR FOOD!
(LAUGHTER)
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY
FAVORITE JOKE OF THE SEASON.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THANK YOU, ALL MY VOLUNTEERS
FOR BEING GOOD SPORTS.
THAT IS IT FOR SPEED-ROASTING.
ONE MORE HAND FOR BRODIE AND
CHELSEA.
AMY WILL BE AT THE RIVIERA IN
VEGAS THE LAST WEEKEND IN
SEPTEMBER.
COMING UP, BIG-FOOT!
THIS IS A SAD STORY.
MONTANA RESIDENT RANDY LEE GOT
HIT BY TWO CARS WHILE RUNNING
DOWN A HIGHWAY DRESSED AS
BIG-FOOT.
NOW HE IS DEAD.
(LAUGHTER)
WHAT A **** IDIOT.
AND THAT'S WHY HE IS THE
SUBJECT OF THIS WEEK'S... TOO
SOON?
SO IT'S A TRAGIC LOSS OF LIFE.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS
AUTHORITIES DIDN'T HAVE TO
NOTIFY A GIRLFRIEND OR
EMPLOYER.
(LAUGHTER)
HE WAS HIT BY TWO DIFFERENT
CARS.
HE WAS COMPLETELY SASQUATCHED.
(LAUGHTER)
THE DRIVERS WERE BOTH
TEENAGE GIRLS AND THEY WERE
THE ONLY TWO CHICKS WHO HAD
EVER HIT ON RANDY LEE.
(LAUGHTER)
THE NIGHT HE DIED NO, ONE
REPORTED A BIG-FOOT SIGHTING.
SEVERAL MOTORISTS TWEETED THEY
ALMOST HIT CHLOE KARDASHIAN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ROAST IN PEACE, BIG-FOOT.
EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER REALLY
EXISTED.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
WE HAVE HAD A BLAST.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
SEE YOU SOON.
NOT TOO SOON.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ENOUGH WITH THE BREAD
ALREADY.
I SNUCK POT THROUGH A TSA
CHECKPOINT.
YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT?
I'M ADMITTING THAT.
I PUT A ONE-HITTER IN MY
URETHRA.
(LAUGHTER)