The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 7, Episode 7 - Exposed - full transcript

[Upbeat theme music]

Andy, what have we got
pencilled for episode six?

The bogus therapy centre
or that bloke who's fobbing off

st Thomas' transplant
unit with buffalo parts.

Yeah, hold that space.

I've just been for a
dip at the sports centre

in whitbury
newtown, weird place!

Woman on reception looks
like she's been released

into the community and
the fella dishing out towels

looks like he's got some
flesh eating disease.

Yeah, well we've done
the health and safety piece



already this series.

Yes, but the public
have a right to know.

Besides it's just
round the corner

so it will be cheap to film!

That Nigerian trip has
blown the entire budget.

Speaking of which,
here is the secret filming

from inside that
millionaire's villa in Lagos.

You know, the white
slave trader who's been

claiming social security.

We had to panicky call
from the housekeeper

she wants to keep
her identity protected.

No way!

No, no, no.

No we have to see those
lash marks on her cheeks.



It took our make up girl an
hour and a half to do that.

Well the release could
always get lost in the post

couldn't it?

Yes, it happens all the time.

Hello whitbury
newtown leisure centre?

Yes can I speak to
a Mr. Britts please?

Well the woman on
reception told me it was britts.

Brittas all right
yeah, I'll hold.

I'll arrange the interview
for later this afternoon

and sneak round with
a secret camera earlier.

Hello, Mr. Brittas?

It's Roger Ferguson
here, crusader television.

[Chuckles] I was
wondering if we could pop

round and interview you for
a documentary we're doing?

You'd be delighted?

Excellent!

Yes, three o'clock
this afternoon?

Okay, look forward
to seeing you then.

Bye.

Right, brittas.

I'm gonna have
you for breakfast.

[Audience laughs]

Come on then what do
you want tea or coffee?

That's a very
interesting question, Julie

and one that must be
taken very seriously indeed

especially as the overall
well being of my staff

has to be taken into account.

Because you know...

At the end of the day it's...

At the end of the day it's their
commitment to the customer

here at whitbury
leisure centre that is

of Paramount importance.

You've lost me.

Julie you've just been handled.

You what?

I turned your question
into an opportunity

to make a policy statement
on behalf of whitbury

newtown leisure centre,
primary skill in media

and public relations Julie.

This afternoon we have a
company called crusader television

coming to make a
documentary about us.

Tell the staff, briefing
in one hour please.

Is that tea or coffee then?

Firstly, I think it's
important we put tea

and coffee in context.

-Can we open them?
-No

-why not?
-Dunno!

Morning, morning everyone!

Glad to see everyone in
such high spirits this morning.

Right, as you know this
afternoon a television company

is coming to the centre to
do a documentary about us.

Therefore, you'll
be sharing your lives

with six million others.

I told you we needed
a bigger duvet.

So it is vital that what we say

and how we present
ourselves comes across

as positively as possible.

Oakey dokey.

You can open your packs, now!

I haven't got a
pack Mr. Brittas.

What's this?

Those are your scripts.

But we don't know what
they are going to ask us yet!

Right, rule number one
Linda of handling the media

take the game to them,
dictate the agenda.

Mr. Brittas, I
haven't got a pack.

-Who's this?
-That is your wife

and children.

My what?

Essential for all seated
interview situations

vase of flowers on one
side, family photo behind.

-Calming, reassuring-
-but Mr. Brittas

Gavin I know you wouldn't
have chosen carnations

but we don't have a lot of time.

Also in your packs
you'll find your timetable

for your make over
and a list of sound bytes.

Mr. Brittas!

Platform heels were
only a suggestion, Linda.

We can always find you a
waste paper bin to stand on.

-Mr. Brittas!
-If it's about

-the cosmetic dentistry-
-my bottom Mr. Brittas

does not need tucking!

I haven't got a
pack Mr. Brittas.

This whole thing is
absolutely outrageous

why can't we be
our natural selves?

People pick up on the
slightest thing Linda.

Take me for example.

Now, to all of you here,
I'm in charge, I'm in control.

I oversee a vastly,
sophisticated operation

yet something is
letting me down,

something is sending out a
signal that I'm not in charge,

that I may well be making
a bit of a fool of myself.

Any guesses?

Mr. Brittas -exactly.

Tie and hanky not co-ordinated!

Television is merciless.

Mr. Brittas!

Right, go away and
learn those scripts please.

What is it Colin?

I haven't got a pack

no.

Please tell me
they're going to film

my new methane generator.

I'm sorry about that accident
the other day Mr. Brittas.

If I'd known there was gonna
be a wedding ceremony-

it's all right,
Colin it'll be in.

And the children's corner,
my snake breeding programme

has exceeded
wildest expectations.

Colin, please relax they are
a vital part of the programme.

However, I do have
to tell you that...

Well, television
prefers the bland,

the inoffensive,
the camera friendly.

And people like
yourself with distinctive

and characterful looks can
often be cruelly distorted.

And you wouldn't
like that would you?

I wouldn't Mr. Brittas, no.

Right, so as a special
favour I've hired a double

to stand in for you.

Thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Welcome to whitbury
newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

Steady with those arms, Carole.

Too many gestures distract.

Yes, yes.

Welcome to whitbury newtown
leisure centre how may I,

sorry, sorry.

Welcome to whitbury newtown
leisure centre how may I help,

I'm sorry.

Carole watch me.

Welcome to whitbury
newtown leisure centre,

how can I help you?

-Got it?
-Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Welcome to whitbury
newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

I'm sorry Mr. Brittas,

-I can't.
-Oh, Carole

there's only one thing for it.

-Turn round, please.
-Yes, Mr. Brittas.

-Right give me your arms.
-Yes, Mr. Brittas.

What are you doing Mr. Brittas?

There you go.

Right, again please.

Welcome to whitbury
newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

Perfect.

Yes but my hands...

Colin what are you doing?

He's just having a swim.

It's against all
the regulations.

He's nearly four.

He's a rat!

He is not a rat!

He is an agunati.

Good lad!

They spread disease.

He should never have
left children's corner.

We will have to
tell Mr. Brittas,

the water will have
to be changed.

Oh please don't do that Linda,

he lives for his morning swim.

He's cooped up
all day in his pen

dreaming of his
lake in the andes.

I'm sorry Colin,
if you don't I will.

Look, the only
way they can infect

the water is if they do their...

[Rat squeals]

Oh!

Must be the bit of black
pudding I gave him for breakfast.

I was just thinking how
lucky we are we've got

-good staff relationships,
-a subsidised canteen

with at least two daily
vegetarian options.

And uninterrupted views
of interesting parkland

and shrubbery.

Mr. Brittas I can't do
this, it's so contrived.

Nonsense.

It sounded fine.

Let's go from the
top again, please.

And Tim a little
bit more passion on

stacking the safety floats.

Mr. Brittas, I think it's
time we changed the water

in the pool.

No it's, I think it's time
we roped off the ducklings

and you've come
in far too early.

No, I really mean it!

Now what page are you on?

I'm nowhere Mr. Brittas, we
must change the pool water.

Linda as soon as
we start ad libbing

the whole thing falls apart.

I'm not ad libbing

I'm trying to--right,

let's take it again from the
top of scene three please.

Come on, out you go, come on!

Welcome to whitbury
newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

Hi I'm Colin.

Colin wetherby.

Yes and I'm Gloria estefan
and the Miami sound machine.

Well, actually
I'm Brett Daniels,

I'm standing in for him today.

Ah you must be the model.

Come with me.

-Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas!
-You're doing fine Carole.

Can I have my bag, please?

Yes of course.

Colin this is Brett, he's
gonna be your double today.

Hi.

I'll just have a quick dip and
a workout before I'm on call,

-all right?
-Of course.

That's what the
camera likes Colin.

[Water splashes]

This is shameful, Mr. Brittas!

You can't just
dump Colin like this.

No-one said anything
about dumping.

He's simply being enhanced
a bit when he's in vision.

And on sound.

Hi, I'm Colin.

I've just unblocked
cubicle three

and I've put alpine
fresh in the urinals.

Now if anybody wants me
I'll be outside in the car park

waiting for the chicken
droppings delivery.

Does he really
say things like that?

Oh yes, yes.

Brett, this is
Tim, this is Linda.

-Hi.
-Hi.

This is Gavin

hi!

Hi!

I'll just get myself
ready then Mr. Brittas.

If it's okay, I might catch ten
minutes on the tanning bed.

Yeah, that's fine b.

Mr. Brittas, I'm not
standing for this.

Nor am I.

Personally, I think Brett
should be given a chance!

Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder, Colin.

I don't understand it.

I win most beautiful baby

at the bishop
Auckland cattle show.

That's me at primary
school, teacher's pet

-three years running.
-What's that?

Ah, it was a game she had.

If we were good in class
we got to wear a paper

bag over our heads.

And at secondary school?

I was in all the
school plays you know,

"phantom of the opera,"
"the man in the iron mask,"

"Moby dick!"

Front end.

Aah, Romeo and Juliet.

I played Romeo.

We did a modern
version set in the east end.

There I am Romeo the bank
robber with a sawn-off shotgun

and a stocking over my...

Head.

Oh my god!

All these years and I thought...

Loss of self-esteem, Colin?

Happens to us all sometimes.

Main thing is to keep your
dignity and rise above it.

It just happened to me.

I went on a revenge, reconciliation
and tenpin bowling week.

Hit it off with this man he
seemed like my soul mate,

same star sign, same
childhood trauma.

On the final night we went
back to his room for some...

Shiatsu.

And after we finished
shiatsu I went into

the bathroom and...

Found his wallet
lying open on the floor.

He wasn't who he
said he was at all.

He was a damn journalist
come to investigate

our guru he'd used me!

He had a secret camera
hidden in his briefcase.

Anyway...

I conquered my feelings,
put it all behind me

and now I can honestly
say I've completely

got...

Over...

Him...

[Audience laughs]

A spot!

Oh my god, I've got a spot!

What is going on here?

You know you're
not allowed to faint

in a place that might
cause an obstruction.

They've broken out
in spots, Mr. Brittas.

Look how they are sweating!

It's fever.

Mr. Brittas,
Mr. Brittas could you

come quick please, please!

Before you go--not now Carole.

-Come with me Linda.
-I really think

it we out to do something
about the water in the pool.

Now come on, Brett.

Come on, let Mr. Brittas
have a quick look at your face.

[Brett] Go away!

Oh come on let's just
have a little peep, go on.

Brett, show me your face.

There's a good model.

[All] Uuurrgghh!

That is ghastly!

Yep, it's a tragedy!

He's got a fever too!

We'll have to check
the whole centre.

I'd better call your agent,

they'll dock your fee for this.

[Brett exclaims]

[Machine whirs]

Oh my god!

Colin, what have you done?

Hello!

No, you're fine!

Marvellous.

Ah!

[Women scream]

It's okay ladies...

Just checking, yes fine.

Well, it's definitely
everyone who used the pool.

Right, have Tim
and Linda round up

everyone who's used it
today and quarantine them

in squash courts two and three.

Hadn't we better
close the centre down?

Why Gavin?

Well, we've clearly
got an outbreak

of some sort of highly
contagious disease.

No we don't!

It's just a minor incident
which we must contain

and manage in such a
way so as not to cause panic

and hence spoil the
enjoyment of other people.

Module 3, we did it after
coffee and doughnuts.

Right.

[Tim] In you go,
you've been great.

Come along now let's go.

-In you go.
-In you go.

What the hell is going on?

-Fire drill.
-Fire drill

yes, fire drill!

In there, let's
go okay, that's it.

So what do we say if people ask

about the pool being closed?

Operational reasons.

Why have the swimmers been
locked up in the squash courts?

Our monthly random
verruca check.

And the hysterical
banging on the doors?

They're rehearsing the
whitbury carnival while they wait.

Look as far as everyone
else is concerned

everything is normal
and it's business as usual.

Right, scabies, shingles
tropical viruses, hello...

Sudden rash of pustules
accompanied by fever,

tropical viral infection
transmitted only in water

usually prevalent
in swamp areas.

-Bobula fever.
-Bobula fever?

Usually originating in rodents.

Incubation period 24
hours to seven days,

outlook if treated in
time full recovery possible

if not, oh there's
a page missing!

Rodents?

We don't have any
rodents in the pool

unless we've
suddenly got very slack

in issuing leisure cards.

Nah, we can rule
out bobula fever.

Ah, Mr. Brittas.

Colin's got something to say.

Thyrotoxicosis, pardon?

There might have
been--yes, Colin?

One or two rodents
who might have got into

contact with the
pool a little bit.

It's just the agunati's
were getting so cooped up

in children's corner
and--how much contact

-exactly, Colin?
-Well...

Enough for them
to learn butterfly.

Colin wetherby,
I'm surprised at you!

You of all people.

Not only have you put the
lives of the entire population

of whitbury at risk but you've
also broken leisure centre

regulation number 38b
concerning amphibious

and semi-amphibious wildlife.

These things spread like crazy,

it'll be up the m3 round the m25

and on mainland
Europe by the weekend.

I don't think so Mr. Brittas,

the road works in the
surrey section are terrible.

I'll deal with you later Colin.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

I want those animals
disposed of now, please.

It's 'cause you're not
camera friendly, isn't it?

That's why Mr. Brittas
wants you put down.

If you were peacocks or
tigers, glamorous animals

that would be quite
a different matter.

I just can't do it.

Right, well I've phoned
whitbury hospital

tropical disease unit
and they're sending round

a consultant with a batch
of anti-bobula serum.

Excellent Julie!

So what are you gonna do
if the press get hold of this?

You know how they made
a mountain out of a molehill

when the centre burned down.

All part of handling our
friends in the media Julie.

Nip it in the bud with
some swift positive action.

Hello, whitbury evening news?

News desk, please.

Hello, Gordon brittas, manager
of whitbury leisure centre.

I'd just like to
quell any rumours

you might have heard
about there being an outbreak

of contagious disease
here at the leisure centre.

Oh and by the way it's
definitely not bobula fever.

There you go, piece of cake!

I'm from the whitbury
evening news,

may I speak to Mr. Brittas?

Business as usual,
everything is normal!

[Phone rings]

Whitbury newtown leisure centre.

Everything's normal,
business as usual.

Excuse me I think I
left my wallet here.

Operational reasons,
everything's normal.

I was in earlier.

I think I left my wallet
in the changing room

or the swimming pool.

Swimming pool!

You were in the swimming pool?

Today?

We'll stick him in
court number three!

Everything's normal,
business as usual.

[Car tyres squeal]

Oh there's another
one turned up.

Yeah, it's a mystery to
me, Julie how it got out.

We've obviously got a leak.

Have all staff report for
fresh security clearance

first thing in the
morning, please.

Right, so what do we do now?

Well, there's only
one thing to do Julie.

We'll have a press conference.

That'll knock it on the head!

At 10:28 this morning, a
minor incident occurred

here at whitbury
newtown leisure centre.

Our staff, fully qualified
in such minor incidents

took appropriate steps to
deal with the minor incident.

Why is the pool closed?

Why have you cordoned
off areas of the building

and why have you lost an entire

swimming class
since this morning?

And why do you people
in the media always focus

on the negative side
of things when so much

of what happens in this
leisure centre is a success story.

Last year 600 people
visited this centre

and nearly 500 returned
home without any loss of life

or serious injury.

Right, end of conference please.

Out you go, come on, shoo.

Out you go.

Bye, bye.

I can't get in Angie,
they said it's closed

'til further notice.

Yeah, something very
fishy going on here.

Yeah, okay keep me posted.

Right, I think this is a
job for Brian Watkins,

whitbury area health authority!

If it does the trick.

Okay, let's fire her up!

Thank god for the Japanese!

Right, let's start with a
camera piece outside the centre.

Oh no, spots!

Sorry, we are closed today.

Oh, whitbury hospital?

You must be doctor Simpson.

Yes, yes, that's me.

Well, you've not come
a moment too soon,

bit of a crisis going on here.

-Really?
-You have got the

-serum haven't you?
-Serum, yes.

It's in the car.

I thought I'd have
a look round first.

Feel free.

The bulk of the casualties
are down that corridor there.

Casualties, right!

By the way, I'd prefer it
if you didn't say anything

to the media just at
the moment please.

Mum's the word!

Business as usual,
everything's normal.

If you need anything,
give me a shout.

No, no, I'll...

I'll be fine.

Carole, try and use
your arms a bit more

you're looking terribly wooden.

Hello Roger, I've found you now,

found where you
live, where you work,

where you park your car.

Before you turn on the
engine take a quick look

on the back seat, I've
found you a little present.

Does Colin know you've got this?

Oh, he's got another
sixteen of them Julie.

Julie, while I think about it

this afternoon's looking
a touch congested.

Better postpone
that Roger Ferguson.

Roger Ferguson, the
reporter he's coming here?

He's coming to the centre to
do a documentary my darling.

Well, it's a bit late
now he'll be on his way.

You can't let him in
here he's a muck raker,

he'll tear this place apart.

My darling what is
there to tear apart?

This place is a Jewel in the
crown of our nation's sports

and fitness heritage.

No, I met him on
my therapy week.

He goes round
impersonating people.

He's even got a secret
camera hidden in his briefcase.

Whoa.

Well that's a different matter.

Using false ID to enter
centre premises is a serious

breach of the regulations.

Carole, get Gavin, Tim and Linda

to be on the lookout for
someone with a false ID,

carrying a briefcase, -fortyish

fortyish -brown hair.

-Brown hair.
-Calvin klein underpants.

Calvin klein underpants.

Come in, -morning.

-We've been waiting for you.
-Hey!

I'm a doctor.

Get his briefcase.

Help!

There's no camera in there.

Right, strip him!

Help!

For the last time my
name is Geoffrey Simpson,

senior consultant at whitbury
hospital viral diseases unit.

What more do you want?

You've got my ID
card, my driving licence,

-my video club card-
-don't push it sunshine!

So far you've been
caught trespassing,

using our car park
without a prepaid ticket

and falsifying
identity documents.

I could have you
banned from this leisure

centre for the rest
of your living days.

-Leave me alone.
-Shut up!

British home
stores, Mr. Brittas.

Just wait until I let my
lawyers loose on this.

Gordon what on earth
is going on in here?

My darling we have
found your reporter friend

trying to pass
himself off as a doctor.

Oh that's not him!

Linda, off you get, off you get!

Sorry about that doctor Simpson.

We upped security
a bit this morning.

Had a couple of
bum bags go missing.

Right, we've got enough
serum for about forty.

It's fast acting, a mixture of
morphine, opium and trimoxyl,

that should keep the
fever down but before that

they'll have a high
and experience delirium

for about six hours.

Ooh, I think I'm coming
down with it too Gordon.

Any overflow I'll arrange
ambulance transfer

to whitbury hospital.

Right, well at
least we've located

the source of the outbreak.

I'm afraid we had a
touch of rodent infestation.

No, no, no, it
didn't start here.

The foreign office have been
trying to trace eight people

in the whitbury area who
stayed at the peanut hotel

in Lagos over the
last two weeks.

They've all got the disease
and one of them must have

used your pool.

Hang on a minute Mr. Brittas.

If this is the real
doctor Simpson,

who's the other chap roaming
the centre at the moment?

Roger Ferguson!

The journalist.

Crusader television?

-That's it.
-He's one of the eight

we're looking for.

He was filming in
Lagos last week,

flew back on Tuesday night.

Yes, I remember now he
said he was going to Nigeria.

I remember seeing his
hepatitis jab on his backside,

side, side, side, his back.

-Tim, yesterday!
-What?

Could it be that bulgy
guy with a bathing cap,

the one who kept asking
all those questions?

If he used the pool
he would be the one

who introduced the disease.

Then what are we waiting for?

Oh no, you don't.

-He's all mine!
-Oh my darling,

I'm glad you feel as
strongly about trespassers

as I do but I'm afraid
this is a job for...

Helen?

[Julie] I see you
got over him then.

Oh yes Julie.

Time's a great healer.

-I've got it Mr. Brittas.
-What?

The hidden camera tape.

I'll throw it in
the incinerator.

No, Gavin.

We're gonna have
a staff viewing.

I think it will be
very educational

for us see the centre
through someone else's eyes

for a change.

Come on!

Right, away we go.

On the outside this
looks like an ordinary

modern sports complex
that can be found

in any town across the
country, but on the inside

it's quite a different story.

This week on the Ferguson file

we go under cover at
whitbury newtown leisure centre.

Well I'm in the centre
now posing as a health

and safety inspector.

Ah staff room.

Let's see who's in here.

Just one man.

Hello.

Oh get out!

Get out!

A member of staff there
clearly showing signs

of mental stress or
even derangement.

Ah yes, coming to
the squash courts now.

Some very strange noises
coming from somewhere.

Oh, my god!

People clearly
being detained here

against their own free will.

Just look at them

they're all affected by
some appalling disease.

There's no doubt about it,
the Ferguson file has hit on

something major here.

People clambering
to be let free.

And much as I'd
like to help them

I have to carry on
and finish this report

in the best interests
of the general public.

This is great.

Out of order.

Obviously something
to hide in here.

Everything seems to be normal.

Apart from fruit and veg...

Not very hygienic.

Oh well.

[Mice squeak]

Oh!

Rats!

In a 1990's public
toilet and the place

is actually infested
with giant rats.

And this place is
open to the public.

It's a national scandal.

Ah come to some
sort of storeroom now.

After what I've seen this
place will probably leave

a lot to be desired.

[Roger screams]

I've only been
five minutes inside

whitbury newtown leisure centre

and I've witnessed
severe infestation,

a major outbreak
of a major disease,

fires raging...

Is there anything else that
can possibly happen now?

What the?

[Roger screams]

[Helen screams]

[Roger pants]

This is Roger Ferguson
whitbury newtown leisure centre,

unbelievably still alive.

[Snake hisses]

All right so he caught
us on an off day!

[Audience laughs and claps]

[Upbeat theme music]